


Build me a happy ending

by DoneWithIt



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alpha Clarke Griffin, Alpha Lexa (The 100), Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Childbirth, Children, F/F, Injured Lexa (The 100), Omega Octavia Blake, Omega Raven, Political Marriage
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-02-27 23:05:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 216,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13258497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoneWithIt/pseuds/DoneWithIt
Summary: Green eyes opened to look up at Raven with a blank expression, Raven pressed the knife harder, drops of black blood spilling down the Commander’s neck, the alpha still didn’t react, she wasn’t afraid.“Why are you not doing anything?” Raven said, her voice clouded with anger.“Because I am not really the person you are angry at, and my death won't matter because with the child’s birth the union between Trikru and Skaikru will be sealed.” The Commander said.“Of course I am angry at you, I hate you because you killed him!” Raven said, pressing the knife even harder.“No, you are angry because the man you loved became a monster, a murderer for another woman, because he died for her because he gave up his life to make sure she would be okay. You are angry because he did all of that for someone that isn’t you.” The Commander said, “I just enforced the law and I’d do the same for anyone that committed the same crimes as him, but if you think me unfair, go ahead, kill me."or,The one where Raven, as the highest ranking omega of her clan, marries Commander Lexa to ensure peace between their people, not knowing that the Commander and Clarke were in love with each other.





	1. We are one

**Author's Note:**

> This an A/B/0 work, if you do not like it, or are offended by it please do not read this. I am not using this dynamic as a way to write sex scenes, I am using it because I think it is a game changer in terms of plot and following that line this work won't have as many sex scenes as it would be expected of an A/B/O work.
> 
> In this universe Alpha females only develop male genitals during their ruts or their mates' heats, which means that during the rest of the time they will have the regular female genitalia.
> 
> EDITED: There will be sex scenes between Lexa and Raven, if you can't stand that, please do not read this work and in terms of endgame this will be Clexaven.
> 
> Other things regarding the A/B/O universe will be further explained as the story goes because I have noticed that everyone does it a little different.
> 
> If you are here for the sex scenes there is actually one in the first chapter, but there won't be any more soon, so if that's your sole interest I do not think this story is for you.
> 
> There are interactions between Clarke and Lexa, but they are short and few in the beginning, even if it is established that they are in love with each other, so if you are here for Clexa, this may not be the work for you unless you are patient.
> 
> Trigger warnings for this chapter: explicit sex scene between Lexa and Raven, violence, poisoning.

Clarke had been gone for 2 months when the Commander came to Arkadia for the first time.

Raven watched from her place by the fence as Marcus walked outside to greet her. She sensed the flare of pheromones in the air, distrustful alphas filled with anger, feeling threatened by a being that was so obviously above them. Omegas that had presented so recently with the lack of suppressants moved around whispering among each other, the Commander’s scent was carried subtly by the cold wind, just enough to tickle Raven’s nose. It was earthy and clean, the smell of smooth leather, freshly cut wood and dew covered grass came with it and it made the tiny hairs at the back of her neck stand on end.

Raven knew the Commander was different, she had known from the very moment she had met her, everything that came with her, her scent, the way she carried herself, the way other alphas reacted to her. They submitted to her, and the Commander hardly needed to try. She was an alpha, but a different kind, maybe the radiation had changed her, maybe it was the reason why she was so strong, why her scent was so exhilarating and compelling.

Raven knew most omegas, even most betas would let the Commander take them, wouldn’t even attempt to resist her call, they would let the Commander use them, force them to submission in bed and any other place. The Commander was just that powerful, and that she was so effortlessly good looking didn’t help. 

Raven would probably feel the same way if she didn’t hate her so much.

She watched the Commander enter Arkadia’s walls with a few of her most trusted soldiers, and instead of waiting Raven moved to the council room on her own.

Abby, and Lincoln were there, the Commander had moved to the head of the table, but hadn’t sat yet. Raven moved to sit next to Abby.

The tension could have probably been cut with a knife, after the betrayal the people of Arkadia held nothing but hostility towards the grounders.

“Commander, to what do we owe the visit?” Kane started, and Lexa moved her gaze towards him.

“It is necessary that we talk about our political state, after all, your people are still living on my land.”

“After what we did for you, you still come here asking about land?” Abby said, visibly angry. The Commander moved her eyes to her.

“You did nothing for me, my deal with the mountain men saved my people, not you. You only saved your own, and do not delude yourself into thinking otherwise.”

Abby was about to say something else when Marcus touched her arm, telling her with the gesture to be quiet.

“If the Commander really wanted us out of here she would have gathered her army and taken us out, which makes me believe that that is not what you want, am I wrong?” Marcus said.

The Commander gave Marcus an appreciative nod, obviously feeling like he was the only person with a brain in the room.

“I understand your people’s lack of trust and hostility towards me, it is justified after my decision at the mountain. However, that decision saved hundreds of my people, people that I could not sacrifice in an attempt to save yours, that would have gone against my duty. What I come to offer here today is a permanent place for Skaikru within my Coalition, with it would come the land you are staying on and the help of the other clans in your survival during the winter. In exchange you would give us your knowledge in medicine and other fields, knowledge that I’m sure is valuable enough for the other clans to be willing to help you freely. You would also be granted safe passage through the lands of the Coalition, you would be able to hunt and plant freely on the lands recognized as yours and if any other Clan dared to attack you, the other 12 would back you as it is the law.” The Commander said and Raven briefly glanced at Marcus, she knew it would be stupid to turn down the deal and she knew the grounders would come for their land if they refused.

“What would happen if we denied?” Marcus asked.

“I would give you the chance to move your people somewhere else peacefully, even though the available land is far and dead, or I would gather my army to force you out if you refused to go on your own.”

“So we either enter the Coalition or we leave.” Raven said and it wasn’t a question, but still the Commander answered her with a court nod.

“The clans won’t accept you just taking their land-”

“How do we know you won’t betray us again?”

“Our laws would prevent me from doing so, being a part of the Coalition would mean that you would become my people too, if I betrayed you I would face execution, being Commander doesn’t absolve me from the law.” The Commander said, and Marcus nodded, looking pensive.

“Coalitions break, you can’t ensure they won’t, by becoming a part of it, you would just be putting us in the middle of a bigger war once it falls apart.”

“That is true,” the Commander said, agreeing with Abby and leaving everyone shocked. “Hopefully that won’t happen, and if it does, by then you will have stronger ties with some of the clans and with them you would have higher possibilities of coming out of the fight alive than if you were on your own, if the Coalition were to fall and the Clans started fighting each other you'd caught in the crossfire anyway.”

“We aren’t willing to risk it, the only way we accept it is through an unbreakable alliance, a tie we have even if the Coalition falls, we are hundreds against thousands, and you can’t ensure that we won’t be taken out of the picture first once the Coalition falls apart. We need the permanent support of at least one of the clans, if that isn’t something you see as a possibility then we will take our chances fighting for this land. We have enough bullets to kill hundreds without going out of our camp, hopefully the rest of your people will have the good sense of leaving us alone.” Abby said, her pheromones flaring strongly.

“Abby…” Marcus started, trying to keep the woman calm, but she would have none of it. A hushed argument started between them and Raven could do nothing but stare at the Commander, whose own pheromones stayed within normal levels even after Abby’s outburst. Odd.

“There is a way.” Lincoln said, and the Commander’s eyes snapped to meet his. That was why he was in the room to begin with, to act as their advisor. Marcus and Abby’s little argument came to an end as they both turned to look at him. “An Union between the highest ranking members of two clans, through the birth of a child that poses Skaikru blood and Trikru blood for example, a permanent and unbreakable union would take place. Even if the Coalition fell, you would forever be tied to the Trikru. It would mean that you would act as one kru, sharing everything and fighting together against everything.”

“It has been a long time since an union like this has been made.” the Commander said. “The last one was made between the Blue people and the Cliff people, they came together through an union and formed the Bluecliff Clan. This union is sacred, it is old and well respected amongst the clans, it has too much meaning to be taken lightly.”

“What does it mean?” Marcus asked.

“It means compromise, reaching an agreement, working together for a greater goal, leaving the bad blood behind; it means moving forward, the start of a new beginning through blood, it means everlasting peace.” Lincoln said. “That is why it happens rarely, the clans are unable to forgive and to give each other the possibility of a new start, they prefer to stay separated and fight only for themselves. Now with the Coalition they have started to work together, it is a great improvement, but they will surely pull back and turn their back on it, if it ever stops being convenient.”

“If you were willing to do this, you will have to agree to some of the laws of Trikru, some laws that we will be open to negotiate, others that will change with time, others that for the moment will be unchangeable, if this is what you want you would have to accept it for the time being, until your people are better accepted and your leaders try to convince the leaders of Trikru to change some of their ways.”

“So we would have to take your ways as our own, that doesn’t sound much as reaching and understanding and a compromise.” Abby said and the Commander shook her head slightly.

“If we performed this union I, as leader of Trikru, would offer the following compromise: if a crime is committed between sky people, the crime will be judged under skaikru law, the opposite for Trikru, but if a crime is committed by a sky person to a tree person, the crime will be judged under Trikru law. If the crime is committed from a Tree person to a sky person, the sky people decide the punishment.”

“So, to make it short, the punishment is decided by the people the crime is committed against, so if a sky person steals from a trikru village the trikru decides the punishment, and if a tri person kills a sky person we decide the punishment. While any other crimes that do not involve both clans will be handled internally without meddling from the other clan.”

“Yes, basically, if you hurt me I decide your punishment and if I hurt you, you decide.” The Commander said.

“What about crimes committed between clans?”

“Those are handled under the coalition’s law, and those laws can’t be changed at least that the majority of the clan leaders agree, it works similarly to your democracy.”

Abby and Kane looked at each other, they knew their people wouldn’t survive the winter on their own, that they had no real training in how to survive on the lands they wer eliving in, they really didn’t know the danger they would find. They knew that it was a good deal. Most of all, they knew that if they didn’t accept, they would die fighting for the land, or trying to relocate, and they had already lost so many…

“We accept.” Marcus said, before either he or the Commander could change their minds. He offered the Commander his arm and she took it, sealing the deal with the usual grounder handshake. Proper procedures would be taken later.

“Now,” Abby said, letting out a heavy breath. “Who will marry who?”

“Marry?” The Commander asked, not following.

“It is something similar to the union, only it can be done between any member of their clan.” Lincoln explained, “we only bond with our mates, the marriage is to make it official, like a legal procedure.” The Commander nodded at the explanation, though Raven could see on the slight tilt of her head that to her it didn’t make much sense.

“I am the highest ranking member of Trikru, so the highest ranking Omega would seal the union with me.” the Commander said. “It has to be the highest ranking Omega, so either one of your leaders, the offspring of one of them, or a person who is equally important to the sustenance of your clan.”

Marcus didn’t have children.

Abby’s daughter, Clarke, was an Alpha.

And the other member of the council was Raven, who had being given that position because of her knowledge, because she fixed things within Arkadia, because she kept the place going. And she was an Omega.

Raven knew everyone had reached the same conclusions when she felt Lincoln, Kane and Abby’s eyes on the side of her face.

She could only think about how the Commander had ordered her torture, had ordered Finn’s death. How much suffering and agony she had endured because of her, and now she had to decide between marrying the person she hated the most, or putting her people through another war.

She deluded herself into thinking it was a decision, it wasn’t. 

And she would have to carry the Commander’s children.

Raven saw red, and in seconds she was out of the council room. 

……………

Clarke was bare, laid out on Nylah’s bed, when said woman moved inside the room, staying by the door frame instead of moving all the way in. Her scent was messy, Clarke couldn’t really pinpoint what exactly the Omega felt, she frowned slightly and turned to look at her. Nylah gave her a hesitant smile, before she sat next to Clarke on the mattress.

“What is it?” Clarke asked, and the expression on Nylah’s face told her everything she needed to know. “You know I don’t want to talk about that.”

“This is different, something has been going on, I kept myself from telling you because you always react this way, but now, now I think this is something that you need to know.” 

“Talk.” Clarke said with a growl and Nylah grimaced.

“People have been coming and going, whispering about a permanent alliance between Skaikru and Trikru. For the past 10 days your leaders and ours have been talking about the terms of this union, apparently our people will be joined as one under the banner of Trikru, but your people will keep independence over their internal affairs and laws. We will share resources and knowledge, my army will be your army and your weapons will be my weapons, we are joined as one and through that union we will have peace. By being a part of Trikru, Skaikru is now part of the coalition too.”

Clarke’s jaw tensed, her eyes hardening until they looked like metal.

“How did this happen?”

Niylah didn’t get to explain what an Union like this meant, when Clarke was already throwing her clothes on and out the door.

………….

Raven tried to stop herself from crying out of anger while the Commander’s handmaidens helped her dress for the union. Her hair had been braided beautifully and she was wearing the most beautiful dress she had ever worn in her life. She didn’t think she had worn a dress before, actually.

She heard someone come into the tent and the handmaidens quickly moved outside. The scent that met Raven’s nose told her exactly who was at the door.

“If there was a way to stop this, I would do it.”

“You could leave us be and get the hell away from us.” Raven snapped, angry.

“I can’t do that and you know it Raven, you are an intelligent woman. My people would think me weak from not defending our land, they would rise against me and they would kill me.” Lexa said, her tone flat, like her death didn’t really matter.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to that.” Raven said, fixing her glare at the Commander and seeing the woman take a step closer to her.

“I am not opposed to that either.” She said, and Raven tried and failed to hide her surprise. “However, I am opposed to war, I joined the 12 clans, I keep them together. It is likely that they will fall into chaos after my passing and your people would be in the middle of it. They would either come for you for your weapons or because you are simply in the way.” Raven watched the Commander take a deep breath and her expression softened as she let it out. “I apologize for bringing you into this, for taking your life and forcing you to do something you do not want. If there was any other way, I assure you, I would take it.”

Raven nodded, her chest feeling tight. None of her people had apologized for throwing her into this mess.

“I promise that after the conception we will never have to be intimate with each other again, I won’t expect or ask anything of the like from you. I will do my best to ensure you are comfortable once we move to the capitol, and once our child is born you will be able to come to your people as often as you like. I promise I will give you as much freedom as it is possible and that this union won’t trap you.” The Commander said her voice sure and strong, her eyes reassuring.

Raven chuckled and nodded.

“What?” The Commander said, confused.

“It is said that the couple who is to be married shouldn’t see each other before the ceremony.” Raven said, watching intently as the Commander’s eyes widened, taking a step back.

“I apologize, this custom was not mentioned to me before. There is only one more thing I need from you before leaving.” The Commander said. Raven nodded, motioning with her hand for the Commander to go on.

“I need your consent, I need your permission to be intimate with you and to impregnate you now that both our minds are clear, free from rut and heat.” The Commander said, her voice completely serious.

“What would you do if I said no? we both know there is no other way.” Raven said, watching as the Commander’s jaw clenched.

“Your people would have to accept becoming a part of the Coalition without being united to one clan directly, we would risk war. However, your life is your own Raven, your body is your own and I won’t violate that. Maybe if you denied your leaders would see reason, take back their demands and join the Coalition. You still have a choice.” Lexa said and Raven looked away.

She couldn’t risk another war, she had to make sure her people made it and with Trikru’s entire support and resources they would.

“I choose to marry you, I choose to be in an union with you, I choose to be intimate with you and to carry your children. You won’t be violating me or my body. I give you my consent.” Raven said, watching the Commander let out a heavy breath, it didn’t look like relief and Raven wondered if maybe she was the one violating the Commander by marrying her.

The Commander didn’t say anything else, she gave Raven a court nod and left the tent.

……………..

A few hours later Raven was standing right across from the Commander, holding her hands and looking into her eyes as an elder from Polis said who knows what in trigedasleng. After a while he switched to english, reaching for a knife at his belt and giving it to the Commander.

The alpha reached for Raven’s hand, expertly making a shallow cut in her palm as the man continued to talk in the background.

“Through this union, more than two souls come together, two clans, two peoples, two ways of life and two cultures become one and the same. Through this union a bridge is forged, built, leading to what we wish for every single day, peace…” Raven took the knife taking the blade to the Commander’s palm. The fright of seeing a black substance bubble out made her drag the blade with more force than necessary, making the cut deeper, blood coating the Commander’s hand in a couple of seconds.  
The alpha didn’t react, letting the elder put their hands together, letting their bloodied palms touch as a cloth was woven around them tying them together.

“With the conception of a child of the sky and the ground this union of blood will come to life and both clans will be joined forever.” the elder said nodding to the both of them.

They had included some of the skaikru traditions into the ceremony and because of that they would have to exchange vows.

“I vow to care for you and respect you, to provide for you, I vow to make sure all your needs are met and to give you all I can to ensure you are content and comfortable. I vow to take your needs as my own and your people as my people until I draw my last breath, until my fight ends.” The Commander said, looking into Raven’s eyes, her jaw quivering just slightly.

Raven didn’t know what to say, so she just repeated the Commander’s exact words, not meaning any of it.

The cloth keeping their hands tied together were undone and a handmaiden quickly bandaged their palms. The elder was about to say something else when the Commander stepped in.

“As a show of my respect to my partner’s culture and traditions I offer her this ring as they are usually exchanged during Skaikru’s union ceremonies.” The Commander said, as one of her handmaidens stood besides them, holding two rings over a piece of soft fabric.

The Commander took one of them, it seemed to be made of some kind of metal, intricately designed to look as two twisted vines, one of them showered with clear rocks as a bigger, dark blue one rested right on top in the center of the ring. Raven marveled in the delicacy of it as the Commander slipped it onto her finger.

Raven snapped out of it when the Commander cleared her throat quietly, tilting her head towards the ring the handmaiden was still holding, it was just a simple band, nothing special. The mechanic took it and slipped it on the Commander’s finger.

The elder nodded taking a step back.

“You may seal the union with a kiss.” He said and slowly the Commander leaned in, stopping inches away from Raven’s face waiting for some kind of approval and only moving further when Raven nodded her head.

The Commander barely pressed their lips together before pulling back. 

In matter of minutes Raven had given her life to someone she didn’t love, to the same person that had ordered her partner’s execution and that same night she would have to give that person her body as well.

………..

They were sitting on the Commander’s tent, exchanging tattoos, as it was trikru’s tradition, when someone barged into their tent.

“Heda, forgive me, she refused to wait to be announced.” the guard said and Lexa dismissed him with a wave of her hand, her eyes focused on the form of the alpha standing before them.

“Clarke!” Raven gasped, surprised, but the blonde didn’t look at her she was glaring at the Commander, pure fury and hatred shining in her eyes.

The Commander told the tattoo artists to wait outside and stood up.

“What the hell were you thinking?” Clarke snapped, stinking the whole tent with her scent, her fury and the tone of her voice making Raven flinch.

“Your people demanded this union, Clarke, it was something I could not deny. Raven was the only available candidate, the highest ranking omega in your clan.”

“Before the battle of mount weather you kissed me,” Clarke said, and Raven’s heart dropped to her stomach, “you said you cared for me and now I come back to find out you forced one of my best friends to marry you, betraying my people wasn’t enough for you, you had to betray me too, you had to ruin Raven’s life.”

“I do care about you, Clarke.” Lexa said, and Raven thought she saw her eyes glisten with moisture. “And because of that I had to make sure I would never be forced to choose between my people and yours ever again.”

She was answered with hard slap to the face, the strength of it making the Commander’s head snap to the side.

“Don’t you dare say you did this because of me, I am done with you and your fucked up lies, you are disgusting.” Clarke said, her face twisted with distaste and anger as she walked out of the tent.

Raven watched silently as the Commander walked back to her chair, wiping away the trail of blood dripping from her lip before sitting down and calling the tattoo artists back in.

…………

A few hours later Raven was sitting behind the Commander in a horse, a couple of her most trusted soldiers following them into a secluded cabin in the woods. Supposedly no one knew the location of the cabin, in there they would conceive a child, staying for as long as Raven’s heat and Lexa’s rut lasted, both would be induced by a tea made by the grounders. The guards, most of them betas had to make sure no one interrupted the coupling.  
When they made it to their destination the sun was already hiding over the horizon. The Commander held their bags in one hand and the door with the other, letting Raven pass before entering herself. She dropped both bags on the floor and proceeded to inspect the cabin, making sure it was properly stacked before walking back towards Raven, offering her the tea in a water skin.

“Try to be careful with my leg,” Raven said, looking down at her brace, “I probably won’t feel it during heat, but I will surely feel it after.” Raven knew the commander would have little to no self control when she entered rut, but still she would try to save herself as much pain as possible.

“I will do my best.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, taking the water skin to her lips and dawning all of its contents in one go before taking off her clothes and laying on the bed in only her underwear. The Commander did the same a few minutes later, laying down right besides her without touching her.

Raven fell asleep at some point and when she woke up everything was burning. She gasped in pain, feeling hollow and empty as she squeezed her legs, beads of sweat rolling down her neck and chest as she gasped, breathing in deeply as her senses were drowned by alpha. Raven’s eyes snapped open, her eyes staring at the body laying besides her own. Lexa was as sweaty as her, breathing harshly, her fists clenched around the furs below them as her pheromones clouded Raven’s senses. Her eyes trailed down the Commander’s toned body, watching muscles rippling under skin, watching her perfect abdominal muscles clench and unclench with every hard breath until her gaze locked on the visible tent that had formed between the Commander’s legs. Raven’s mouth watered at the sight, feeling her lower lips drip, her gut clench with emptiness as her hands reached to take the Commander’s shaft.

Raven shuddered as soon as she touched it, her fingers could barely close around it and more wetness coated the inside of her thighs as she imagined how it would feel inside of her. She pulled the Commander’s underwear down, a whine falling past her lips as soon as she saw the length of the Commander’s cock, she couldn’t resist, she needed it inside of her, she needed to be fucked. She clenched her hand around the hard shaft, rubbing up and down slowly as she moved her head to whisper in the Commander’s ear.

“Fuck me, please” Raven begged, she felt so empty, so hollow, she needed to be filled. “Please Commander, I need you inside, please.”

The next time she opened her eyes the strong body of the alpha was hovering over her and Raven understood all at once why everyone was so willing to lie at Lexa’s feet, her scent was intoxicating, her eyes seemed to glow with the brightness of her green iris, her bronzed skin was coated with a thin layer of sweat that Raven was dying to taste. Raven clenched her legs tightly to try and relieve the pain burning in her core, but the feel of the Commander’s harsh breaths hitting her parted mouth was too much to bear, she trailed a hand up Lexa’s hard back muscles, holding onto the back of her neck and then pulling down until their lips met.  
White exploded behind Raven’s eyes and she thought she would come by the taste of the Commander’s mouth alone. Lexa’s kiss was dominant and possessive, her tongue pushing past Raven’s lips, groaning at the taste of the omega, as she rubbed her center against Raven’s, letting her covered cock brush over Raven’s soaked underwear.

Raven’s moans were muffled on Lexa’s mouth as she parted her legs and curled them around the Commander’s waist, forcing her to push against hers harder, her cock pushing against Raven’s stiff clit.

The Commander pulled away for a moment and a second later she had ripped away the fabric covering Raven’s chest, moving back down to suck at Raven’s pulse point as one of her hands covered one of her breasts, rubbing her palm over one dark nipple, rolling it between long fingers until Raven was left as a squirming mess. Raven threw her head back, a strangled moan escaping her mouth as the Commander started thrusting harder and faster against her clothed center, driving Raven mad with pleasure and pushing her over the edge once the Commander sank her teeth on Raven’s bottom lip tugging at it as her hips drove hard into Raven’s.

The aftershocks of Raven’s climax hadn’t gotten to pass when the mechanic felt the Commander’s hand trail between their bodies and push under her ruined underwear, long fingers brushed over her pulsing clit, drawing tight circles on it and making Raven’s eyes roll to the back of her head. A few seconds later those same fingers trailed down towards her slit, teasing her entrance as they dipped inside only to pull away a second later. Raven groaned in agony, desperate to be filled as she pulled at the alpha’s hair, forcing her down into a bruising kiss as she begged to be filled.

The alpha finally relented and thrusted her fingers hard into the omega’s chanel, making sure to brush the tips of her fingers against that special spot on the omega’s front wall. The Commander thrusted her fingers fast and hard, collecting wetness and smearing it on Raven’s clit, brushing her fingers harshly against it, pressing down on it until the omega was coming once again, cursing at the skies, nails leaving red lines down Lexa’s back as her body convulsed in pleasure, wetness coating the Commander’s hand.

Finally the Commander deemed the omega ready to take her shaft, the next thing Raven felt were the Commander’s strong arms roll her onto her front, sure hands pulling down her underwear and leaving her core exposed to the air, making the omega shiver as the head of the alpha’s cock pushed against her entrance.

“Yes, yes, yes….” Raven chanted slowly, dying to feel the Commander’s cock tear her apart, spread her walls, dying to feel her seed splash against her insides, the haze of her heat making her crave to be bred and taken by the alpha. 

Raven knew the Commander was trying to be gentle, was trying not to hurt her because even if the omega was more than ready, having the Commander’s cock inside of her all at once was meant to hurt just by the size of it. Thinking about it only made the omega wetter, whimpering and trying to push her hips back so she could take the Commander’s cock, but the alpha wasn’t having it, her hold strong on Raven’s hips as she pushed her shaft inside little by little, groaning deeply at the feel of the omega’s tight, hot walls enveloping her cock, drowning it in warmth.

A long stream of moans and groans escaped the omega’s mouth once the Commander pushed all the way in, she had never felt so full, so much so that she was sure her body would break apart, her walls clenched around the hardness inside of her and she clutched her eyes shut begging the alpha to move, tearing to the ground the last threads of self control keeping the alpha together until the Commander was pounding into her, driving her hips hard and fast against Raven, her cock pushing as deep as it could go inside the omega’s chanel, reducing the omega to a squirming, whimpering mess.

As her hips slapped Raven’s backside the Commander changed the angle of her thrusts, driving her hips upwards, making the curve of her cock brush against Raven’s front wall with every thrust and pushing the omega into the strongest orgasm she had ever experienced in her life. Raven cried out, slumping against the mattress bonelessly as she tried to get some air inside her lungs. She couldn’t help but notice that the Commander was still hard, still inside of her helping her ride her climax as her walls fluttered and clenched around her shaft. Slowly, the Commander pulled out, rolling Raven onto her back and spreading her legs, stepping between them, letting Raven see her thick cock standing proudly against the air, spilling wetness from the very tip, the knot having already formed at the base. The sight made the mechanic’s mouth water, her insides ache with need and she knew the Commander wasn’t much better, she was trembling, breathing hard as she pumped her cock with her hand, staring at Raven with hunger in her eyes, but still refusing to move.

Raven knew the Commander was once again asking for consent, even though she knew that while in heat Raven wouldn’t deny. The mechanic nodded furiously, pulling the Commander down so her body was draped over the omega’s and reaching down between their bodies to hold her shaft and line it with her entrance.

“Knot me.” Raven whispered, moving her hands towards the Commander’s behind, grabbing each butt cheek and pulling the Commander’s hips down towards her, sighing with pleasure as she felt the Commander’s shaft fill her once more, wetness dripping down her lower lips as she felt the Commander’s knot nudge her entrance.

The Commander nodded and started moving her hips, her body shaking as she held herself from rutting into Raven like a mindless beast, knowing that she would hurt her.

Raven threw her head back in pleasure, clutching her eyes shut and sinking her nails into the Commander’s behind, her entrance burning with the stretch as the knot slowly pushed inside. With one final thrust of the Commander’s hips her knot buried completely in Raven’s cunt, tying them together and throwing them both over the edge. Raven released a shout, her sight going completely black as she felt the Commander’s hot cum splash her walls.

The alpha continued to rock her hips against the omega’s, riding their shared peaks with the little movement their union allowed.  
Raven was finally calm, her body sated, her heat relieved for the moment as the alpha’s knot rested inside of her, a gentle curve forming on her belly as the alpha’s seed settled inside, Raven hummed in content, her instincts to carry pups flaring as she settled her fingertips on her belly, she knew it was almost impossible for her not to get pregnant during a heat.

Gently the Commander rolled them so she was laying against the mattress with Raven’s body atop her own, they would be tied for a few hours.

Raven settled her head against the Commander’s shoulder, the haze her heat put her in clearing just slightly as she saw drops of black trailing down the Commander’s cheek, coming from her lips.

“You didn’t bite me.” Raven said, a statement filled with wonder. The Commander’s eyes remained closed, having obviously bitten her lip.

“No.” She said simply.

“Why?” Raven asked, her eyelids dropping with exhaustion.

“I promised you you’d be free, you are your own, Raven.” The alpha said, her breathing evening out as she fell asleep.

Her words echoed in Raven’s head.

The rest of the week was spent in a similar fashion, having sex until Raven’s heat was over. At the beginning the omega didn’t care much, sex was natural, a craving of their bodies, a necessity for the reproduction of the species, a form of enjoyment, too. She hadn’t cared, just as she hadn’t cared with Bellamy and with Wick, they were just there for her pleasure, to calm the ache in her body. Lexa, the Commander, had done the exact same and at the same time it had been different, even if all of Raven’s previous experiences had been with alpha’s too, being with the Commander had represented a game changer. Bellamy, Wick, even Finn, they were takers, they cared only about their own pleasure, they wanted to take and posses and dominate, and the Commander, being and alpha too, was a giver, was careful, was controlled even when deep into her own rut, only letting herself go when Raven had asked her to. And ever after the coupling, when most alphas would just go, the Commander would stay, draw her a bath, apply salve in the bruises and scratches she couldn’t stop herself from leaving in Raven’s body. Raven had never felt as satisfied sexually, had never come so hard, had never being cared for in such a way. And still, once the haze of her heat left and her body no longer craved to be taken and bred, the Commander stopped being the object, the body that gave her pleasure and became the person that had executed her previous partner, her best friend, Finn.

In the darkness Raven lay awake, breathing deeply as she reached for the knife the Commander always left under her pillow. And once again she saw herself behind Arkadia’s walls, watching the person she loved the most die right in front of her eyes. In a matter of seconds she was straddling the Commander, pressing her own knife against her throat. Green eyes opened to look up at her and the alpha didn’t move, she just looked up at Raven with a blank expression on her face, Raven pressed the knife harder, drops of black blood spilling down the Commander’s neck, the alpha still didn’t react, she wasn’t afraid.

“Why are you not doing anything?” Raven said, her voice clouded with anger.

“Because I am not really the person you are angry at, and you are probably already carrying my child, my death wouldn’t matter because with the child’s birth the union between Trikru and Skaikru will be sealed.” The Commander said.

“Of course I am angry at you, I hate you because you killed him!” Raven said, pressing the knife even harder, black drops continuing to drop down the Commander’s neck.

“No, he sealed his fate the moment he shot 18 innocent people, and you are angry because he did all of that for someone else, for someone who isn’t you. You are angry because the man you loved became a monster, a murderer for another woman, because he died for her because he gave up his life to make sure she would be okay. You are angry because he did all of that for someone who isn’t you.” The Commander said, watching tears fall down the omega’s cheeks. “I just enforced the law and I’d do the same for anyone that committed the same crimes as him, that is what I must do, my job, and you know you cannot blame me for that.”

Raven looked down at the Commander’s eyes, watching how light and clear, how calm they were as they stared up at her. And she knew right then and there that she was right.

“You are angry at him because he is gone, because he left you, and because he ended up like that because of his own decisions. I didn’t take him away from you, he knew what he was getting into when he decided to shoot at those people, he was an honorable man that knew and accepted he would have to pay for his mistakes.” the Commander said, tentatively reaching up to wipe away the tears falling down Raven’s cheeks. “It is okay to be angry, to miss him. It is okay, I understand, and if you feel like I deserve to die, to pay for ordering his execution then do it, kill me.” The Commander said, looking straight into Raven’s eyes. “Do it, kill me.” She said once again her clear eyes looking into Raven’s bloodshot ones, until the omega could only look away to escape her gaze, dropping the knife and falling into bed, giving her back to the Commander as she clutched the furs closer to her body, sobbing quietly into her pillow. The Commander didn’t say anything else.

Not an hour had passed when they both heard something outside, a second later the Commander was the one straddling Raven covering her mouth as she slowly reached a hand to the bag placed on the floor besides the bed taking two shirts out and a pair of pants, shrugging on the shirt and giving the rest to Raven. The mechanic put the clothes on quickly and went to stand up but the Commander pushed her back down, laying her body over Raven’s as she closed her eyes. The mechanic got the hint and closed her own eyes, trying to pretend she was asleep as she reached her own hand inside the bag next to the bed, taking a gun and hiding it under the furs.

Raven tried to breathe through the thundering beat of her heart as she felt a rush of cold air enter the cabin, meaning the door must have been opened. She couldn’t hear anything but her own breathing until a poorly placed step made the wooden floor creak loudly and the Commander sprung into action, throwing her knife at a man standing by the door, it sunk with a tud in his eye socket and he dropped dead to the ground, two more rushed inside and towards the Commander, they were huge, easily a head taller than the Commander and covered in hard armor.

Raven watched the fight from the bed, the Commander was weaponless as the two men attacked her with long knives, they were all too close to each other and Raven knew that if shot at them and they moved she could hit the Commander, her musings where suddenly stopped when a third asaliant came from behind her and pulled her off the bed, throwing her to the ground, Raven blindly pointed to the figure hovering above her and shot, a splash of blood hitting her in the face as the man fell backwards with bloody hole in his cheek.

The sound of the gunshot was enough to distract the men fighting Lexa, giving her enough time to grab the arm of one of her opponents and sink his own knife in his neck, the other one rushed to attack her but she pulled the body of his companion in front of her, using his body as shield and then pushing him against the one still standing. The man stumbled with the weight of his dying companion, and by the time he pushed him away Lexa was ready blocking his next attack with her arms and punching him hard in the face, feeling his jaw give away under her knuckles as he stumbled back dazed. Raven watched as Lexa kicked at his knees, making the man fall to the ground and allowing Lexa to wrap her arms around his neck and snap it.

The Commander walked up to Raven, looking her up and down quickly to make sure she was okay. Raven did the same, finding a wet spot on the Commander’s shirt. One of the attackers had gotten to cut her, leaving back a slash over the Commander’s lower right side, close to her belly button.

“You are hurt.” Raven said, reaching to inspect the wound more closely when the Commander moved her hands away.

“It is just a flesh wound, we must go, this men weren’t here looking for a fight, they are assassins and they planned to kill is in our sleep, there might be more waiting outside and if they took out all of my guards we are in grave danger. Go get the bags, put on my armor and reach Arkadia through your radio, tell them to send back up.” Raven did as she was told while the Commander tried to look out the window without being noticed, tying her sword around her hips and putting on her pants and boots, later taking her knife and putting it inside one of them.

“I can’t see anything outside.” the Commander said, walking back towards Raven.

“I spoke to Kane, he is sending the rover, they will be here as fast as they can.” Raven said, taking a peek out the window herself. “Maybe they didn’t send anyone else.”

“It would be unwise not to have a backup plan. This cabin is surrounded by trees, I’m worried about archers, they could try to shoot at us when we try to go for the horse, we need a distraction. I’ll go run north, you take the horse and ride towards Arkadia as fast as you can, do not take the path, it is too open, stay close to it but inside the cover of the trees.” Lexa said, walking towards the door when Raven pulled at her arm.

“You are not running to your death right now, if I didn’t kill you, they are not allowed to do it either. Is the front the only way out of the cabin?” Raven asked.

“No, but they think it is. There is a tunnel in the back that leads to the barn, the problem is that they would be able to see us as soon as we leave, we need them to be looking the other way. That assuming that they don’t have people in the barn already-” Lexa was cut off by the entrance of another attacker, Raven shot them before they could come closer to them, it was a woman and with a few changes she could probably pass as the Commander herself.

“Give me your sash and your coat.” Raven said as she pointed at the woman with her gun. “Now, you, how many of you assholes are still outside?”

The woman didn’t say a word and Raven nudged her wounded shoulder with her gun. 

“Tell me or I will put another hole in your head.” Raven said.

“You are going to kill me anyways.” The woman said.

“I’ll swear on my life that I will let you live if you tell us.”

“There are three archers with their eyes on the front door, three more with eyes on the barn, there is no way out, they will shoot you on sight.”

“You will uncover the path for us.” the Commander said, catching up to Raven’s plan and forcing the woman to put on her clothes. “My houmon will keep her word and let you live, but you must run south as fast as you can, you will make it if you run fast enough.” Lexa said, pulling the woman to a standing position and then pushing her out the door. As soon as the archers saw the black coat and the red sash they started shooting, a second later Lexa took Raven’s hand and pulled her into a run on the opposite direction.

“Lexa!” Raven snapped, “my leg!”

The Commander threw Raven over her shoulder and kept on running, letting out a loud whistle a second later. Arrows instantly started coming their way and Raven instantly covered her face, she could see the archers atop their horses following after them cocking their arrows and the shooting. Thankfully it was dark and in the mass of trees they couldn’t get a clear shot.

After a few minutes of arrows flying over their heads Raven understood why Lexa had whistled, why she had drawn attention to them, a horse was coming their way, the Commander’s horse. The animal slowed down just enough to keep up with them, but Lexa couldn’t get Raven on it with the arrows flying towards them, her continuous zig zagging among the trees was the only reason why they hadn’t gotten shot already, they needed another distraction.

“I’m going to blow them up!” Raven said over Lexa’s harsh breathing, reaching a hand to the bag hanging from the Commander’s shoulder and pulling out a grenade, a second later she was throwing it as hard as she could towards the three horses following them. 

Shouts and screams flooded the air as the attackers were thrown off their horses, getting hurt by shrapnel and the splintering wood of trees that had fallen during the explosion. Lexa stopped in the middle of the commotion to throw Raven on the horse’s back and then climb on herself, they knew there were still other 3 attackers that hadn’t gotten caught in the explosion and that would soon catch up to them. Raven righted herself on the saddle just as the Commander put the horse into a fast gallop. 

Raven allowed herself to breathe for a moment, thinking that they would make it, when the Commander suddenly yelped in pain, Raven turned to see an arrow protruding from the alpha’s shoulder, its tip soaked in black blood. She looked over that same shoulder to see the 3 remaining attackers riding towards them, all of them getting ready to shoot, the Commander prompted the horse to go faster, guiding it left and right to try and avoid the arrows flying at them. Raven knew that they wouldn't make it if she didn’t do something.

“I can try to shoot them, but I can’t aim right if you are making the horse move like that.” Raven said, taking the gun and pointing at the attackers from over Lexa’s injured shoulder. “When I tell you to you slow down, I will shoot and right after you will move out of the way in case some of them take aim at us, okay?” The Commander nodded and Raven aimed.

“Hit the rider or the horse, the animal will throw them off if you hit it, don’t aim for a perfect shot.” Lexa said and Raven nodded.

“Now!” Raven said, Lexa slowed down and kept the horse steady as Raven fired three shots in quick succession.

Two bullets hit one of the attackers, making him fall off his horse, the other missed it’s intended target but hit the front of the horse instead, the animal collapsed and threw the rider off as Lexa had predicted. The Commander instantly moved their horse out of the way but it was too late and an arrow sank on their horse’s back side. The horse stood on its hind legs, neighing in pain and throwing them both off its back. Raven felt the Commander’s arms curl protectively around her body right before they crashed against the ground.

The remaining attacker caught up to them, having run out of arrows and raising his sword. The Commander barely got to duck just as the man slashed at her head while passing right beside them, he pulled the horse reins into a sharp turn, charging at them with a scream just as the Commander threw her knife, it sunk in his chest and he fell off the horse, lifeless.

Both Raven and the Commander sat on the floor breathing for a few moments. The mechanic knew the Commander had broken her fall with her body so she slowly crawled up to her.

“Are you okay?” Raven asked, watching as the Commander broke the shaft of the arrow on her shoulder, pulling it out and throwing it to the ground, blood quickly started bubbling out.

“Yes.” The Commander said, even if she was obviously hurt. Raven ripped at her shirt and quickly put pressure on the wound, asking Lexa to hold the fabric in place over the exit wound as she ripped more of her shirt and held another piece over the bleeding entrance wound on Lexa’s back. She then curled another long piece of fabric under Lexa’s armpit and tying the knot over her shoulder to be able to keep the pieces of cloth covering the entrance and exit wounds in place.

Raven checked the Commander over, noticing the blood stain in her shirt from earlier had gotten bigger, she pulled the shirt up and stared at the slash there. It wasn’t a flesh wound and it probably needed stitches.

The Commander felt Raven’s heated glare and tilted her head slightly to the side, shrugging her good shoulder.

“It isn’t bleeding too much.” 

Raven rolled her eyes at the response and crawled towards the closest fallen assassin, looking through his stuff until she found the grounder version of a first aid kid. She cleaned the Commander’s wound to the best of her ability and then covered it up, keeping the gauze in place with a bandage she tied around the Commander’s waist.

Raven then stood up, wincing and groaning, her leg burning with pain, falling of a horse had obviously made worse her already bummed leg. Lexa was instantly at her side, holding her upright, Raven ignored her and looked around. Where the fuck were they?

“We are far away from the path, we have to get close to it fast for your people to find us.” Lexa said, taking the reins of one of their attackers’ horses and helping Raven climb up before climbing on herself, she then gave Raven a blanket she found in one of the saddlebags. “Winter is close, the night is cold.” Lexa said, taking a water skin out of the same bags and sniffing at it, she took a sip confirming that it was only water before giving it to Raven. “Take some water, calm yourself, you are safe.”

……..

They had been riding for what felt like an hour, trying to find the path towards Arkadia, and the sky was getting lighter, when Raven felt the Commander suddenly shudder against her back. The mechanic turned to look at the alpha, swallowing her concern when she found her sweaty, lips deadly pale, eyes hazy. Raven reached a hand up, touching the Commander’s cheek with hesitance and finding the skin under her palm scorching hot.  
“Assassins often coat their blades and their arrows with poison.” The Commander said, another painful shudder wracking her body. She then pulled the horse to a stop and reached around it to empty the contents of her stomach, once she was done she looked back up at Raven, looking already dead. “I’m going to fall unconscious soon enough so I’m going to tie myself to you, make sure my body is returned to Polis and don’t worry about your people you are carrying my child, once it is born the union will solidify, you just have to keep them safe, okay?” the Commander didn’t wait for Raven’s response she just took some thick ropes from one of the saddle bags and and tied herself to Raven’s body. “You need to take the horse reins, just keep going as we are, we are close to the path already, it will be easy for your people to find you. Don’t be afraid, everything is going to be okay.” The alpha reassured and Raven was completely baffled.

The Commander was dying and she didn’t even care.

“You are about to die and you don’t care.” Raven said and the Commander slowly lolled her head to look at her, a second later she was vomiting over the horse’s flank again, looking even paler than before. “You are about to lose your life and you don’t care.”

“I can’t mourn over something I never really had, I never had a life. I’am just a vessel for the Commander’s spirit to achieve its purpose, when I die it will move on and someone will take my place.”

“But what about your child? don’t you want to know them?” Raven asked. The Commander stayed silent for a few seconds and Raven’s neck was aching for being turned the way it was for so long.

“They will be better off like this.” Lexa said, her body shuddering almost violently against Raven’s once again.

The mechanic swallowed hard, looking forwards, her brain fighting to catch up with the fact that the woman behind her was dying.

“Is there something you want me to tell them when they are born?” Raven asked, figuring that she should keep the Commander talking for as long as possible, keep her alive for as long as possible.

“Tell them that I wanted to be a horse trainer and breeder when I was young, or a house builder, and in my dreams my pups always had a house, up in the trees…” the Commander said, trailing off, her head slumping against Raven’s shoulder. The mechanic didn’t have the heart to shrug her off.

“What else?” Raven said, trying to keep her voice from shaking.

“Tell them that I would want them to listen to you, always. I always listened to my nomon, she was gentle with me.”

“Maybe I could take our child to see her, would you like me to do that?” Raven asked, feeling Lexa shuddering more violently as a choked up yes fell from her lips.

“I don’t know if she is still alive, but we used to- used to .... live in a little village near the border with the Glowing forest clan. There is a house by the lake surrounded by flowers, it has beautiful carvings on the front, I helped nontu make them. You should take our pup there during the winter, the lake freezes and one can slide on the ice, it is fun.” Lexa said, her voice shaking. She reached over the horse to vomit again, but then she couldn’t straighten herself, she remained slumped to the side pulling Raven with her.

The mechanic pulled at one of her arms, bringing the Commander back into position amd making Lexa wrap her arms around her waist.

“What else?” Raven asked once she felt the Commander rest her head back on her shoulder, this time she could feel the burning skin of her forehead pressed right against her neck.

“Tell them to be careful and to not go out alone after sundown. Tell them that in my dreams my pups were always nice people, were always loyal, strong and kind hearted. Tell them that I would have liked to teach them how to swim and ride horses and climb trees because I like doing that, I would have liked to play with them, to chase after them. I would have liked to hold them.” Lexa said her voice getting weak towards the end, her body completely slumped against Raven, her breathing getting laboured, a wheeze following every breath.

“What else?” Raven asked and the Commander didn’t answer, fear closed up the mechanic’s throat until she heard the Commander mumble close to her ear.

“Tell them I would have liked to take them to the ocean… I would have liked to hold their hand and walk with them…” Lexa moved one of her hands and placed it gently over Raven’s belly. “Tell them I am sorry for leaving them and that I love them very much.”

Right then Raven heard a familiar sound, the rover, and she kicked at the horses sides, making it break into a sprint towards the sound, just as Raven got to see the vehicle it accelerated, the engine roaring and scaring the horse, which started trying to run away wildly, only held back by Raven who pulled forcefully at the reins. The horse then started to jump, trying to throw them off as Raven held on for dear life, but Lexa’s dead weight fell backwards, pulling Raven with it. The Commander’s body crashed hard against the ground and Raven’s body crashed against her front, knocking the air out of her lungs.

Raven, flat on her back on top of the Commander scrambled to get off her, fighting to untie the rope and moving off of the Commander as soon as she made it. Raven then knelt by her side, Lexa was completely unconscious. Raven was trying to wake her up when people from Arkadia ran to her side.

Lincoln, Bellamy, Octavia, Clarke.

“Heda!” Lincoln gasped.

“What the hell happened?” Clarke asked reaching her hand to touch Lexa’s neck, checking her pulse.

“She got poisoned, the assassins had their blades and arrows covered with poison and she got hurt.” Raven said.

“What about you? are you okay?” Octavia asked, putting her hand on Raven’s arm.

“Yeah, I just can’t believe I’m going to be a widow so soon.”

“When was the last time she was conscious?” Clarke asked.

“Just now, until we fell off the horse, she fell on her back, maybe she hit her head.” Raven said, and Clarke reached to feel Lexa’s head, when she pulled her hand back there was a smear of black blood on it. Right then all of Lexa’s limbs were pulled tight towards her body.

“She is going to have a seizure, help me roll her onto her side!” Clarke said, hands reached to grab at Lexa and managed to roll her right before her body started to seize, limbs pushing and pulling in all directions. Black blood and spit started sputtering out of her mouth and trailing down her cheeks she had probably bitten her tongue.

“Lincoln, where can we find the antidote?” Clarke asked, desperation clouding her tone as she looked at them man over Lexa’s seizing body, she knew that the Commander would die soon if they didn’t find a way to fight the poison.

“Assassins usually carry the antidote on them in case they hurt each other by accident, or incase they want to take someone back as prisoner instead of killing them.”

Raven looked up, pointing the way Lexa and her had come from, a second later Lincoln broke into a sprint towards the forest.

“Bellamy, Miller, set camp here, those clouds aren’t looking good and we need to stay close for when Lincoln comes back. O, keep an eye out for trouble and radio back to Arkadia, tell Kane we need back up and my mother.” Everyone left to do as told and Raven and Clarke stayed kneeling by Lexa’s side, it had been at least 3 minutes, if it didn’t stop soon the Commander would have irreparable brain damage from the seizure.

At last it stopped and both Clarke and Raven looked down at the Commander expectantly, she wasn’t breathing.

“Come on, come on, come on.” Clarke murmured under her breath, cursing when the Commander’s breathing didn’t restart itself. The blonde pushed Lexa onto her back, tilting her head back and parting her mouth before reaching down and pressing her lips against hers, breathing air into her lungs before pulling back and starting chest compressions.

“28. 29. 30.” Clarke counted out loud as she moved back down to blow air into Lexa’s lungs. “Breathe, damn it!” she screamed as she pressed her hands harder against the Commander’s chest.

Raven stayed on her knees, eyes wide, her hands on her belly as she thought about her child growing up alone with only one parent, not getting to experience everything Lexa wanted to do with them. She thought about them asking about their other parent, not being old enough to understand what death means, she thought about explaining to a little kid that their mother had died trying to protect them and keep them safe. Would her child feel guilty for the rest of their life? Raven didn’t notice she was crying as she stared at Clarke’s hands incessantly pressing down on the Commander’s chest, Clarke would either bring the Commander back, or kill her by breaking apart her chest.

After a few seconds Raven noticed Clarke was crying too, and she knew then why the blonde had been so hurt by the betrayal, why she had taken it so personal. She was in love with Lexa.

After what seemed like an eternity Clarke brought her fist up in the air, bringing it down as hard as she could towards the Commander’s chest. Lexa’s back arched up and she gasped, her eyes opening just a crack as she coughed.

“Lexa?” Clarke asked gently, placing a hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Clarke?” The Commander responded, a drop of wetness hit her face and Clarke looked up, the sky was completely dark and rain was starting to form.

Clarke, reached under the Commander and gently picked her up, laying her down inside the tent Bellamy and Miller had just put up, it wasn’t too comfortable but at least she would remain dry.

“Clarke,” Lexa gasped, reaching for the blonde’s hand, “You have to take care of Raven, make sure the child is safe, please.” Lexa said, shaking.

“It’s fine, you are going to be fine.”

“Clarke, please.” Lexa said, her eyes widening as her limbs tensed, painful spasms wracking her body.

“Okay, okay I will, I promise.” Clarke said and the Commander seemed to calm down. When Clarke looked up her eyes met Raven’s.

“Do you think she will make it?”

Clarke thought about the high fever, the seizure, she thought about the rain and how Lincoln hadn’t come back, she thought about how her heart had already stopped once.

“I don’t know.”

……….

Clarke was carefully stitching the deep slash wound on the Commander’s abdomen, the bandages that had been covering it were soaked through with blood and the Commander’s shirt was completely ruined, same as the top part of her pants.

“She could have bled out from this wound.” Clarke said, finishing the long line of stitches, if the wound had been just a little bit deeper Lexa would be dead already.

“She said it was just a flesh wound, wouldn’t let me help with it.”

“Of course she said that.” Clarke said, cutting up the rest of the bloodied and torn shirt and taking care of the arrow wound on Lexa’s shoulder.

The Commander’s chest was heaving with her labored breathing, drops of sweat dripping between the deep lines of her abs, and down the valley between her breasts. If she hadn’t been dying Raven probably would have found the sight very hot, she noticed how Clarke starred a little, too.

There was bruising already developing over the Commander’s ribs and chest, the former could have been because of the times they had fallen off the horse, both times the Commander had broken Raven’s fall with her body.

Clarke moved her hands over the Commander’s ribs, touching gently, checking for broken bones.

“Nothing seems broken,” Clarke said and Raven stared at the bruising that had started to develop over the Commander’s sternum, the one Clarke had caused in her desperate try to bring the Commander back to life.

“You love her.” Raven stated, and Clarke looked up at her. The blonde clenched her jaw and looked down at Lexa, her face softening.

“Yes.”

“You hate her, too.”

“No.” Clarke denied, trailing her fingers down Lexa’s cheek. Lexa’s eyes were open, glazed, looking up at nothing, she had been talking in trigedasleng for some time, muttering things, names, she was hallucinating and her fever continued to escalate, another seizure would come soon enough. “I hate the decision she made, I do not hate the person that made it, I don’t think I could if I tried. I understand her and she is the only person that understands me.” 

“In the tent, you said things… you hit her.” Raven said and Clarke turned to look at her with a bitter smile on her lips.

“I came back to find the woman I’m in love with married to someone else, what else was I supposed to do?” Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders.

“You know you can still be with her, this is a political marriage, we didn’t mate or anything and I don’t have feelings for her, so I wouldn’t care.” Raven said.

“You are carrying her child, Raven, and you will fall for her eventually.” Clarke said, her gaze lost on Lexa’s face.

“I would never.”

“You will, mark my words.” Clarke said and the look in her eyes gave no room for discussion.

They cleaned Lexa up with some wet rags and together dressed her in a clean shirt, covering her up with warm blankets against Clarke’s better judgement, Lexa’s skin was burning, but she kept muttering about being cold, her body shaking.

A couple of hours passed when they heard the rumble of a second rover and a few minutes later Abby Griffin was entering the tent with bags of medical supplies in her hands.

“Mom!” Clarke said, relieved. “She was poisoned, she has a slash wound on her lower abdomen and an arrow wound on her left shoulder. She has a very high fever, she has been hallucinating for the last couple of hours, she had a seizure too and her heart stopped, she also has a head wound and a lot of bruising around her spine and ribs.” Clarke recited as Abby moved to examine the Commander herself.

“She vomited three times too, and she was having some kind of spasms.” Raven provided.

“There is also the blood loss.” Clarke said and Abby nodded, hooking the Commander up with an IV that would provide her with fluids and the like, checking her pulse and her pupillary response.

“Seems like all we can do for her is keep her stable as everything else is being caused by the poison and won’t get better until we get the antidote, by her state I would say she only has a few more hours left. I will give her something to help her replenish the blood she lost and I brought some cold compresses to try and keep her fever down, we must try to avoid another seizure at all costs.” Abby said, and both Raven and Clarke responded with nods.

The rain continued to fall upon them when the Commander started to cough and splutter.

“She is going to be sick” Clarke said, curling her arms under Lexa’s back and pulling her into a sitting position as her mother moved closer to them with small surgical container. Clarke only hoped that would be enough.

It ended up being just fine, as Lexa didn’t have anything in her stomach and so she didn’t have much to expulse, she just ended up dry heaving painfully and coughing.

Abby helped Clarke lay her down carefully and reached out to feel her pulse, she was keeping track of the beats by looking at her watch when the Commander suddenly grabbed her hand, looking up at Abby with wide and wet green eyes.

“Nomon…” She whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks, “em laksen, nomon.” Lexa whispered. “Sis au.”

Clarke gasped, her eyes wide, filling with tears. After a few months living with the grounders she had managed to grasp some of their language, just enough to understand what the Commander was saying.

Abby went to pull away and a sob escaped pass the Commander’s lips.

“Nomon, nou ban ai au, em laksen” Lexa said, looking up at Abby with tears on her cheeks.

“What is she saying?” Abby asked, knowing by Clarke’s reaction that she had understood what the Commander was saying.

“She thinks you are her mother, she’s telling you she is in pain and she is asking for help. She is telling you not to leave her.” Clarke said watching her mother’s eyes soften.

The Commander of the 12 Clans, the alpha of all alphas, was crying and asking for her mother in her deathbed. Abby knew there and then that the mighty Heda was deep down just a girl, like her daughter.

“What can I say to comfort her?” Abby said, moving closer to the Commander and brushing her hair away from her forehead gently.

Clarke moved closer to her mother and started whispering in her ear.

“Chil au, ai yongon, ai yu gada in. Yu gaf in chil au, ste yuj.” (Calm down, my child, I’ve got you. You need to relax, be strong.) Abby said, repeating the words and watching as the agony on the Commander’s face eased slightly.

“Ai gonplei ste odon. Ai hod yu in, Nomon.” Lexa whispered, squeezing Abby’s arm on more time before her eyes rolled back in her head. Clarke cursed, rushing to push the Commander onto her side as her limbs started pushing and pulling in all directions, her body seizing uncontrollably.

Abby moved towards her bag, taking something she hoped would stop the seizure and then injecting it into the Commander. It didn’t work and once again they were forced to wait the seizure to end on its own, rolling the Commander onto her back once it was over. Abby hovered over her, putting her cheek close to Lexa’s mouth to feel her breathing, there was none.

“Clarke, start chest compressions.” Abby said. The blonde rushed to do as she was told as Abby kept her eyes on the watch, her fingers pressed to the Commander’s wrist.

After three sessions of 30 compressions and 2 breaths the Commander remained completely lifeless, green eyes open and staring at the roof of the tent, body limp and weightless, face completely devoid of color.

“She is gone, Clarke. It is time to stop.” Abby said and Raven froze in place, hands curled protectively around her belly, eyes stuck on Lexa’s blank face. 

“No!” Clarke snapped, baring her teeth in a growl as someone pushed inside of the tent. It was Lincoln, completely soaked and holding a clear flask in his hand, his face falling at the sight in front of him.

“He’s got the antidote, Lexa. You are going to be okay, just wake. the fuck. up!” Clarke said, knowing there was still time, accenting each word with a forceful hit against the Commander’s chest.

“Clarke!” Abby snapped, “that’s enough!” she said, pulling at Clarke’s shoulders.

“NO!” Clarke screamed, bringing both fists down against the Commander’s chest, feeling her heart fall apart inside her own ribcage. 

Lexa gasped a second later and Clarke fell back on her behind, feeling completely exhausted.

Abby moved towards the Commander checking her over and pouring the antidote down her throat, making sure the Commander managed to get it all down.

“She will need more doses, I got as many as I could from the gona I found in the forest, it should be enough to save Heda.” Lincoln said, the doctor nodded, asking him to tell the rest to bring the stretcher inside as she set Lexa up with an oxygen mask.

Moments later they were all back in the rovers making their way to Arkadia in the pouring rain, followed by the gona that had come to protect their Commander.

When they got to Arkadia they found Indra pacing outside the gates. A camp of grounders already waiting outside. 

Clarke jumped outside the rover, going straight at Indra and not letting her get a word out.

“We need to get something to cover her up, keep her dry!”

Indra nodded, ordering her gona around, watching as they cut up a tent and held the fabric it was made with on both sides, holding it up over their heads as Bellamy and Miller carried the stretcher out of the rover, they then moved quickly to Arkdia’s gates.

Abby shut the doors on Raven and Clarke’s faces, telling them to let her do their jobs and to go.

Clarke and Raven looked at each other briefly, not knowing what to say.

“I am going to talk to Indra, give her an update.” Clarke said.

“Okay.” Raven said watching the blonde walk away and staying by the med bay’s door for a while before going back to her room.

……….

Hours later Raven was startled into awareness by a knock on her door. She had fallen asleep after cleaning herself up and changing into fresh and clean clothes, she moved up and towards the door her leg killing her all the while.

When she opened the door she found Abby staring back at her.

“I would like to give you a check up.” the doctor said, and Raven nodded following Abby towards the med bay.

Once they got there Raven looked around trying to get a look at Lexa, but not finding her anywhere.

“Where is she?”

“In a private room, we already gave her another dose of the antidote and her fever is steadily going down, I would have liked to give her some blood, but hers is different she will have to replenish it on her own which means that she will be weak for a few days.” Abby said as she guided Raven to Lexa’s room, grabbing the tablet near the bed and reading some things from it. “The head wound was nothing serious, same as the bruising around the spine, there is just some swelling, it will be bothersome for a few days but it should go away soon.” Abby said, gently touching Raven’s arm so she was standing at Lexa’s side, the doctor moved forward to untie the hospital gown, moving it out of the way so Lexa’s chest was on show, Raven grimaced. “On the other hand, these will cause a lot of pain and discomfort for the best part of the next month. It isn’t uncommon for ribs to break during CPR, specially knowing that the Commander had to endure long sessions of CPR in a very short amount of time. Clarke used the right technic, I taught her myself, and it isn’t uncommon for ribs to break, when her methods got more… forceful… I knew at least some ribs would break or crack, it isn’t life threatening, but she needs a lot of rest and breathing might cause her pain for a while.” Abby said, turning her face slightly to look at the mechanic. The only thing Raven could see was the agony and desperation on Clarke’s face as she lowered her fist over Lexa’s sternum. “I personally wouldn’t have continued CPR after the third failed try, given that the heart failure was being caused by poison, but there was still time and the chance of neurological damage is not too high. Her body went through a considerable amount of trauma, you will have to be very delicate with her.”

“Me?” Raven said, turning to look at Abby.

“You are her wife.” The doctor said and Raven could only stare blankly.

…………

Three days passed and Raven could feel the tension building up, Abby had said neurological damage was unlikely, but the Commander hadn’t woken up and they had a whole army of grounders at their doors.

Raven tried to push thoughts of her wife away from her head as she fiddled with a bunch of tech trash the grounders had found around, trying to see if at least some of it was still salvageable. 

“Shouldn’t you be perched at your wife’s bedside?” Someone asked by the door and Raven internally eye rolled.

“Funny, O.” Raven said, not looking away from the object of her interest, the younger omega moved to sit by her side, propping her elbows on the table.

“You still smell like her.” Octavia said, sensing the smell of alpha covering Raven like a blanket.

“Would be weird if I didn’t.” Raven said under her breath.

“Yeah, that would be expected from marrying the most powerful alpha around. It’s weird, I never pictured you to be the marrying type.” Octavia said. “Not a bad choice though, she is hot, I would totally let her play with me.” the omega finished and Raven’s eyes snapped to look at her, seeing in the mirth on Octavia’s eyes that she was messing with her.

“It isn’t funny, O.”

“You have been locked up in here for days, Raven, I’m just trying to get you to talk about it. You were forced to marry someone you hate, now you have to carry their pups, and given her state you will probably have to face that on your own, because she went and probably got herself killed. It’s a lot, and I just want to let you know that I am here and that you aren’t alone, if she dies you won’t be on your own with the baby, aunty O is here to help.” Octavia said, her eyes softening as she smiled at Raven.

“Thanks, that means a lot. I never imagined myself with children, you know?” Raven said, looking down at her work again, avoiding Octavia’s eyes. “My mother was usually drunk or drugged and I basically grew up on my own, I don’t really know what I am supposed to do with a pup of my own.”

“I don’t think anyone really knows what to do in the beginning, everyone just sort of figures it out as they go, and maybe you didn’t have the best role model, but you are great Raven, you aren’t your mom, and your kid will be lucky to have you to look up to. You just have to be there for them and go from there, you are brilliant, you’ll know what to do.” Octavia said.

“What about, Lexa? What if she wants to teach them how to gut a man or how to snap someone’s neck?” Raven said, not knowing if the grounder lifestyle was what she wanted for her child.

“You will cross that bridge when it comes, you will probably talk to her, try to get some sort of agreement.” Octavia said, “do not worry about that yet, you still don’t know if she is even going to be there.”

Right then the door opened and Clarke came inside.

“She is awake.” the blonde alpha said, “she is asking for you.”

Raven and Octavia shared a look and moments later Raven was walking towards the med bay.

…………

Raven and Clarke entered the med bay to find the Commander standing by the bed, putting her clothes on with her jaw clenched.

“What the hell are you doing?” Raven asked, her eyes moving from Abby to Lexa as the doctor put her hands up.

“I tried to keep her in bed, she obviously decided to ignore me.” Abby said, watching as Lexa finally managed to pull her pants all the way up. The alpha let out a sigh, her eyes moving briefly to Clarke and then settling on Raven as she moved closer to the omega, grabbing her elbow carefully and looking at her up and down.

“Are you okay?” The Commander asked, her eyes intense as they looked at Raven. “Did the doctor see to you? Did she do something about your leg?”

“I’m fine, my leg is fine, as fine as it always is.” Raven said, putting a hand on the Commander’s abdomen and pushing her back slightly. “You are supposed to be in bedrest, you are hurt.”

“I already rested for three days.” The Commander said, managing to put her shirt on and ignoring the pain with a clenched jaw, beads of sweat were starting to form on her forehead from exertion.

“Being unconscious doesn’t count as resting.” Clarke said, her voice sharp, and Raven winced as the room started to stink of alpha. “The only reason you are even standing is because a cocktail of pain meds is in your blood right now.”

“I can manage the pain on my own.” The Commander said, shrugging her black coat on and moving closer to Raven once again, feeling the fabric of her bomber jacket with her fingers and frowning.

“We are entering winter, this type of clothing won’t suffice.” The Commander said, shrugging off the coat she had just put on and giving it to Raven, the mechanic took it, watching drops of sweat roll slowly down the Commander’s neck, she was already looking like she was going to pass out, Raven sighed, she had probably married the most stubborn person on earth. The mechanic sighed again, feeling Clarke’s anger building up and knowing both alphas would butt heads soon if she didn’t do something.

“Can you leave us alone for a moment?” Raven said and Abby nodded, pulling Clarke, who hadn’t made a move to leave, out of the room.

“Now, can you please sit down?” Raven asked and the Commander just continued to put on her clothes.

“Lexa,” Raven said, and the alpha turned to look at her. “My leg is hurting and I want to sit, I want you to sit with me.” Raven said, sitting on the alpha’s bed and smiling to herself when the alpha sat next to her. Lexa was a giver, Raven had noticed, and she would do what the mechanic wanted if that would make her happy, it was the same as when they were in bed together.

“Do not worry, in Polis my healers will take a look at you, maybe there is something they can do for you, we have people who give massages too, they will ease the tension in your muscles. We have to go soon, I will get a gona to help you with your things, just the necessary things, do not bother with clothes, I will provide them for you.” Lexa said, motioning to stand up again when Raven put a hand on her leg keeping her in place.

“I need you to listen to me.” Raven said, staring into Lexa’s eyes and making her voice as serious as she could. “You are hurt, you just woke up from being poisoned, your heart stopped twice which means you died twice and right now youre looking like you are seconds away from passing out.”

“I assure you I am strong enough to-” Lexa began but Raven cut her off.

“This is not about strength, no one is doubting your strength. I know you do not give a shit about dying, but things aren’t the same as before.” Raven said strongly, quickly getting annoyed at the Commander’s stubbornness. “I am your people, and this child is your people, whether we wanted it or not we are family now and we belong to you, to Lexa, not just to the Commander, this child will care about you and your health and your death, they won’t give a fuck about your spirit moving on and all that bullshit, they will only understand that you aren’t there and that will hurt them, do you care about this child?” Raven asked taking Lexa’s hand and putting it over her belly.

“Yes.” the Commander said, looking down at the place her hand was touching.

“I am asking Lexa, not the Commander, do you, Lexa, care about this child?”

“Yes,” Lexa said, looking up at Raven. “I do care about them, Raven.”

“Okay, then I need you to stop your  
bullshit, and start caring about your life and that includes taking care of your health after almost getting yourself killed. I might hate your guts with all my heart, but you are my partner now and we are having this kid together, so you need to be alive, you need to be healthy, did I make myself clear?”

“Yes, I apologize, I didn't mean to upset you.” Lexa said.

“It’s fine, just lay down I will go get Abby.”

“Do skaikru usually talk among each other in this manner?” Lexa asked and Raven thought she saw amusement in her eyes.

“Not all of them, but I do, and you are my wife, so I will talk to you however I want.” Raven said, arching an eyebrow at Lexa.

“You might do as you please, wife, just refrain yourself from doing so in public, I doubt you’d want me executed for letting my partner talk to me in such a way. You might do so when we are in private.” Lexa said and Raven nodded.

“Deal.” The mechanic said walking away and then bringing Abby back with her.

A few minutes later the Commander was back to sleep, which wasn’t surprising after the stunt she had just pulled. Raven stayed sitting by her side, reading the notes Abby had made on the Commander’s chart.

“How did you get her to stop being an idiot?” Clarke asked, standing by the door.

“Reminded her that she has a baby to think about, a baby that won’t feel any better after I explain the spirit thing, they will just care that she’s dead.” Raven said.

“What do you know about the spirit?” Clarke asked, sitting besides Raven.

“Not much, while she was dying she was telling me not to worry, that she was just a vessel and that her spirit would move on to another and we would be safe because after the child’s birth the union couldn’t be broken.” Raven said. “I do not know if she was being oddly religious or if she really expected me to believe the spirit thing.”

“She was being serious, Lincoln told me that the children with nightblood were taken to Polis to be trained and that they were taught that their lives belonged to the spirit, to the flame, and that their only purpose and reason to exist was to either bare the flame or die. Commanders aren’t allowed to have mates, or children, at least of course that it has some sort of political gain. She really believes her life holds no value, all her life she’s been taught that she is replaceable.” Clarke said, her eyes dark as she looked down at Lexa. “Lincoln said that she’s the Commander that has lived the longest.”

“How long?”

“Seven years, the lifespan of a Commander had been four years and a few months, Lexa will apparently double that by the time your child is born.”

“If she makes it, you mean.” Raven said. “I wonder how many assassination attempts she has survived.”

“Three, according to her newest bodyguard.” Clarke said, pointing at the huge grounder that was standing by the door. “He is one of the replacements for the gona that died at the cabin.”

“Three assassination attempts in just this year?” Raven asked, shocked. Clarke turned to look at her.

“Three assassination attempts in the past 2 months, Raven.” Clarke said, and the mechanic understood then why the Commander had told her their child would be better off without her.


	2. Why do I hate you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the support, I really didn't expect anyone to like this so... Thanks a lot!
> 
> Do not get used to the frequent long updates, I will go back to school soon. I promise I will continue trying to update as often as possible.

She woke up startled, eyes wide and chest heaving with panic as she stared at the grey ceiling. She felt the fabric under her body, it was unfamiliar and scratchy, lacking the softness of the furs. Moments later, her ears registered the humming of machines, and the beeping, for a second she thought she had been captured by the Mountain, but then she remembered the Mountain had been destroyed, taken down by Clarke.

“Can’t sleep?” A voice said to her right and Lexa’s head snapped to the side.

“Clarke.” She said, confused, and the alpha slowly walked up to her, noticing her confusion.

“You are in Arkadia, remember?” The blonde said, her eyes following the droplets of sweat trailing down Lexa’s temple. “You are safe.”

They were both transported to another time, having just survived the Pauna and sitting in a clearing, Lexa had said those same words after Clarke had woken up from a nightmare of her own. Lexa’s chest suddenly felt tight and she knew it wasn’t because of her injuries.

“Yes, we were attacked at the cabin…” Lexa said, trailing off, there were jumbled memories in her brain, she wasn’t quite sure if they were real or not.

“But you made it, you have been here for 3 days now, you woke up earlier today, tried to get up and leave. It is normal that you don’t remember, you were quite medicated at the time, your memories will come back to you eventually.” Clarke said, studying Lexa’s face as she watched the Commander take stock of her body.

“Skaikru must have really good pain medication if I was able to stand at all, I can’t imagine being capable of doing so right now.” Lexa said, lying her head back down on the pillow, a headache pulsing at the back of her eyes, she felt like a Pauna had pounded on her chest with its fists, the pain felt crushing. She had had broken ribs before, this time the pain felt different, being located somewhere else, in the middle of her chest instead of the sides.

Clarke’s lips pulled upwards a little, Lexa thought the smile looked bitter.

“Your wounds aren’t life threatening, but they are bothersome and painful, rib fractures are always painful and have to be cared for, if not they could get worse and you could end up with pneumonia, in your state it could kill you.” Clarke said, slowly moving closer to Lexa and pulling the knot that kept her gown together, exposing her chest. Lexa looked down a little, surprised by the bruising over her breast bone. The Commander watched Clarke’s hand move until the side of her fist lay gently over one of the bruises, they matched perfectly. “I’m afraid I’m the reason behind some of your pain.” Clarke said, moving her fist away and letting her fingertips caress the bruising gently. “My people have a resuscitation technique,” Clarke put her hands on Lexa’s chest as if she were to apply chest compressions, “It involves applying a series of chest compressions to get someone’s heart to beat again, one must press down hard and fast in a constant rhythm to make sure oxygen continues to flow through the person’s blood, if the person is not breathing and has no pulse after 30 of those compressions one must lean down, open their mouth and breathe for them…” Clarke said, looking down and into Lexa’s eyes for a fleeting second, “it is called mouth to mouth resuscitation.” Clarke felt Lexa shudder under her fingers and looked away again. “If that doesn’t work after some time the person is dead and there is nothing else that can be done.” Clarke closed her fist over Lexa’s chest again and sighed. “I wasn’t able to do that, I couldn’t stop, couldn’t let you go.”

Lexa saw it all in her head, saw Clarke, blonde hair wild and eyes a storm as she brought her arm up and violently lowered her fist against Lexa’s chest.

Clarke tied the knot again and pulled the blankets up and over Lexa’s collarbones.

“I thought I hated you, no, I hate what you did to me even if your decision makes the most sense in the world we live in, even if that’s what I would have chosen to do as well, even if I understand completely. I hated you and I hate the decision you made and all I wanted to do was kill you with my bare hands because what you did hurt so much…” Clarke said, screwing her eyes shut and moving her head up to look at the ceiling before looking down and into Lexa’s eyes again. “Do you know why it hurt me so much, Lexa?”

Lexa stayed quiet, knowing that Clarke wasn’t really expecting an answer.

“It hurt me so much because while we were standing in that mountain I loved you already.” Clarke said, a sour chuckle breaking past her lips as she moved away from the bed, “You kissed me and all I wanted was to bring you closer, kiss you harder, but I pulled away because I felt ashamed of myself for falling in love with someone I barely knew after the boy I thought I loved had just died.” Clarke paused and walked towards the bed again, leaning down so her face was inches away from Lexa’s. “But what I felt for him wasn’t love, or at least it can’t be compared to what I feel for you. I was scared when I thought a missile would fall on my mother, I was scared when I woke up inside the mountain, I was scared when I thought all my friends would die, but Lexa, I can swear to you and to anyone who asks that I never knew real agony, real fear, real panic until I saw you dead in front of me. I didn’t know how helplessness and hopelessness and real pain really felt until it dawned on me that you were dead, that you were no longer breathing and that your heart wouldn’t beat again, so I denied it and I hit you over and over again until either you woke up or your chest caved under my hands.” Clarke said, straightening her back and letting tears she hadn’t felt fall dry on her cheeks. When she looked down at Lexa, she saw the Commander’s eyes were shining with wetness, were looking at her, wide and big, like a child’s, they were clouded with disbelief and Clarke knew then that Lexa couldn’t really understand, because no one had ever loved her like that before, the Commander had grown up without love and having someone express love to her so openly, so blatantly was something she couldn’t really grasp.

“Clarke,” Lexa said after long seconds of silence, her voice sounded cracked even to her own ears. “I am not deserving of this.”

Clarke smiled, wiping the tears away from her cheeks.

“What I do with my love is my decision not yours, only I decide who is deserving of it and who isn’t.” Clarke said, rolling her shoulders so she could get the tension away from them. “Must I remind you what my people say when someone saves their life?” she said with a small smile, she had been angry at Lexa for two months, she had been furious, she had wanted to kill her and sometimes, when the sorrow was to strong, she still wanted to curl her hands around the Commander’s neck and squeeze the life out of her, but after what happened, after having the image of Lexa dead burnt onto the back of her eyelids, Clarke just didn’t have it in her to be pissed.

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa whispered, her lips softly pulling at the corners into a smile.

Clarke allowed herself to lean down and tuck a strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear, it was tiny, she noticed.

“Just don’t do it again.”

“I can’t promise you that and you know it.”

“You are the most powerful person around and still there have been several assassination attempts in just a few months.”

“As you see, none have succeeded.”

“This one did,” Clarke said, getting angry quickly, her pheromones flaring fast and burning at Lexa’s lungs. “You died, twice, and if I hadn’t been fucking scared out of my mind you’d be dead now. This was close Lexa, how did they know where you were? your exact location? how were they able to take out every single one of your guards? they must have known what you were going to do in that cabin and that after a week of being in rut and what that entails you’d be weakened, your body exerted, it was the perfect time for an attack and they somehow knew it, but how? the news of the union hadn’t gotten out of Trikru yet, or at least they shouldn’t have, not enough time has passed and the other clans should have found out once you told them in the next summit, so how did your enemies knew that you’d be in a secluded cabin in the middle of nowhere and that at the end of the week you’d be weakened by the end of your rut.” Clarke said and Lexa had gotten her point towards the middle of her speech.

“You think there is a spy among us.” Lexa whispered and Clarke looked over her shoulder, wary of the grounder posted outside Lexa’s door. The blonde nodded and Lexa sighed. “It is something that I have thought of as well.” The Commander said and Clarke’s eyes widened slightly.

“What have you done about it?”

“Nothing,” Lexa shook her head, closing her eyes for a second, “the people I knew I could trust blindly are gone.” Costia, Anya, Gustus. Lexa didn’t say their names, but Clarke heard them anyways. “At this point it could be anyone. Even if it is something I have pondered about a lot by now I can’t say anything, telling the wrong general, the wrong guard, I could be telling the spy himself, or I could rise suspicion and they could flee, this is a delicate manner that has to be taken with the utmost discretion and subtlety.”

“What about Indra?” Clarke asked and Lexa shook her head no.

“Indra’s instincts are more about attack and defense than anything else, she’s impatient and her temper could give away our suspicion, it is a waiting game, if there is a spy they are bound to make a mistake sooner or later.” 

“You could get killed and you know it.” Clarke said, not approving of Lexa’s plan, or lack of.

“Hopefully your desperation will save me again then.” Lexa said and Clarke rolled her eyes.

“Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Commander.”

“I think we have established that I am not at my strongest right now.” Lexa said and Clarke looked at her with a very serious expression.

“You do know that making light of my feelings for you won’t make them any less true, right?” Clarke said and Lexa’s face lost all lightness at once.

“I do, I meant no disrespect, I just hoped to ease your worries.”

“I know, Lexa, I’m just worried about the fact that I seem more concerned and traumatized over your almost death than you do.” Clarke said, a frown wrinkling the skin of her forehead.

“Death is not the end, Clarke, and so I’ve been taught not to fear it, during my rule there have been many attacks like this, so far they haven’t succeeded and I haven’t had the time to worry too much about it. Everything will solve itself eventually.”

“What if you die? what then?”

“Your people will be protected, as now they are part of Trikru.”

“I am not talking about my people, Lexa.” Clarke said, her nails digging into her palms as she closed her hands into fists.

“There is not much else I can say. In the event of my death you will have to carry on, move on, keep living. You are strong Clarke, the strength of your heart is like nothing I’ve seen before and with it you will find someone who is actually worthy and deserving of your love.”

Clarke looked away, angry at the fact that Lexa was still so uncaring of her own life. She turned around sharply, the stench of her own anger stinging her nose.

“What about Raven and your child? What will happen to them if you are gone?” Clarke asked, and Lexa held her gaze steadily.

“You promised me you would care for them, Clarke, I know it is an impossible promise, I know that it is too much to ask, but knowing that you will see to them gives me peace. That is something I’m thankful for, too.”

Clarke sighed before walking away.

…………

Lexa looked pale and slightly sweaty, there were bags under her eyes and she looked exhausted.

“If you press that button the pain will go away.” Raven said in a patronizing tone, she knew the Commander knew that already. 

“I’m aware, Raven, it is just not wise for me to be so unaware, they make my mind foggy.”

“If your mind were foggy you wouldn’t be in pain.” Raven said moving her eyes back to the tablet in her hand.

“There are worse things than physical pain, I can take this, I am used to it.” Lexa said, feeling very uncomfortable at not being able to breathe properly. Raven sighed, pressing the button without Lexa’s permission and watching as the Commander’s clenched jaw relaxed.

“Raven-” The Commander started and Raven cut her off before she could continue talking.

“I did not press this to defy you.” Raven said, half lying. “I did it because to avoid the pain you start breathing shallowly and shallow breathing can lead to pneumonia, which in turn could kill you. What will I say to our child after you die for avoiding pain medication ‘sorry darling, your mother was being a stubborn idiot, so she died pitifully gasping and wheezing like crazy’ sounds bad don’t you think?”

“You can’t keep manipulating me with our child.” Lexa said, even if the amount of relief she felt was amazing.

“Yes, I can and I will, even more so at a time like this where you aren’t really needed and are making yourself sick over nothing.” Raven said, sitting down besides Lexa’s bed. “I imagine your position doesn’t allow you to rest much, now that you kinda have to you should make the most of it, you should rest, the poison did a number on your body, plus all your other injuries, take the time to get better without worry, if there is any pressing matter I promise you will be notified.” Raven said and Lexa nodded.

“Press it again.” The Commander said and the mechanic smiled, doing so gladly.

“I wasn’t too sure why you were a member of the council.” Lexa said after a few minutes of silence. Raven looked up, a little surprised by Lexa’s voice, she had thought the Commander was asleep. “You are a very dangerous person, Raven, you make those weapons, you are deadly.”

“Thanks?” Raven said, not really sure if Lexa was saying that as a good thing or not.

“I should thank you for keeping us both safe, without you the attackers would have succeeded, you saved us and our child.” Lexa said, opening her eyes to look at Raven. “I know we aren’t together over ideal circumstances, but I wanted you to know that I am honored to have you as my partner and I know that you will be of great help in making our people prosper.”

Raven stayed silent for a few seconds, seeing in Lexa’s face that she was being honest, surprised by how much price she, as an omega, was getting, which was unusual, and also feeling conflicted because it was already hard to hate Lexa after what she had said about their child, after how she had protected Raven with her own body and now, after what she had just said it was even harder, but Finn was always in her mind, in her heart, and there was always a part of her that would blame Lexa for his death.

Raven was intelligent, more than the average person, she was older, even older than Lexa, and she was a scientist which pushed her train of thought towards logic and reason more than towards emotions and feelings. She knew that if they had been living in the ark Finn would have paid with his life, she knew he had committed a crime, an horrendous crime, attacked a village, shot to death elders, women and children, and Lexa as the Commander was just the person who sentenced him, a sentence declared by the law, a law she hadn’t created, but that she was meant to enforce.

Lexa thought that Raven wouldn’t say anything, so she decided to say something else.

“I don’t think I ever apologized to you for torturing you for a crime you didn’t commit, at the time all the evidence pointed towards you, I ended up being wrong and I hurt you, I am sorry, I never thought Gustus would betray me like that, I wouldn’t have expected it, not from him, never from him.” Lexa said, her voice getting quiet at the end, Raven turned to look at her. Lexa had looked away from her, burying the side of her face in the pillow, but still Raven caught the subtle shudder of her chest. 

“He wasn’t just a guard to you, was he?”

“He didn’t even want to ge a guard, or a soldier, he became one when the Commander before me called every healthy man and woman to be part of his army, he used to build houses.” Lexa said, still looking away from Raven.

“You told me you helped your father carve the front of your house.” Raven said, bile rushing up her throat before she even got the question out of her mouth, “was he your father, Lexa?”

There was fleeting moment of silence, of hesitation, a moment where Lexa’s chest went completely still, and Raven begged, begged for her to say no. Then she saw the Commander’s hands tremble and she knew what the answer was going to be right before the monosyllable left Lexa’s mouth.

“Yes.”

Raven’s heart fell to her feet. She swallowed hard, trying to keep herself from vomiting as she watched Lexa painfully roll onto her side, giving her back to Raven.

That day the mechanic got the first taste of what Lexa’s position truly entailed, what came with it, how crushing and merciless it actually was to the person that had to carry it. The worst of it all was that Raven was sure that little taste was only the beginning. 

If Lexa couldn’t spare her own father for trying to break an alliance, how could she spare a man who had murdered 18 people? Even if Gustus had only been a guard, if Lexa couldn’t spare him for the failed attempt to break an alliance then how could she ever be able to spare someone for murder?

“I do not know who my birth father is, but Gustus raised me for my first few years of life.” Lexa said, and Raven frowned in confusion.

“What do you mean?”

“Even if most people are honored to have nightblood children some others aren’t, some of them don’t like it because they know their child could die at the conclave and others don’t like it because if their child makes it as Commander they will probably will be haunted and taken as away the hurt the Commander, or for a bargain, this people tend to abandon their children. This happened to me, Gustus was walking back home, that day it had been snowing so he took a shortcut through the woods, heard a baby crying and found me lying between some roots, he always used to say he was surprised I could cry that hard because it was very cold and I was completely blue, he said I had a good pair of lungs.” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes watered at the shakiness in Lexa’s voice. “He picked me up and held me against his chest and took me home, to the place where he lived with his sister, for they had lost their parents too. She took her shirt off and held me against her bare chest close to the fire, hoping to warm me up and that I would survive. I lived with them for the next 6 summers, then I was taken to Polis. They were brother and sister, and there was nothing romantic between them, but they were Nomon and Nontu to me.” Lexa paused, Raven’s chest felt tight, “He said I could fit in the palm of his hand.”

Lexa stayed quiet for the next couple of minutes, maybe she was expecting Raven to say something, but the mechanic simply had nothing to say, she was speechless and with every moment that they spent together, with every little piece of Lexa she got to know, she found it harder and harder to hate the girl, even more so when she thought about Finn knowing that his death had been inevitable and that he had put himself in that position, he had sealed his fate the moment he shot those people.

“I am truly sorry about hurting you, Raven, while we were together I saw, I felt the scar on your arm and only now I realize I put it there.”

“It is okay, it’s in the past.” Raven said, and she wished her voice hadn’t felt so empty and hollow, she was sure that with her tone Lexa probably hadn’t believed her, but the mechanic couldn’t help it, her mind was all over the place, she was in shock.

Raven stood up and saw that Abby was right there, half way inside the room, her face contorted in sorrow, having probably heard most of what the Commander had said, Lexa was facing away from them and so Raven put her index finger over her lips, signaling Abby to be quiet.

“Can you press the button again?” Lexa asked, her voice sounding small, quiet and so very exhausted.

“Yes, of course, you should go to sleep, you’ll be better when you wake up.” Raven said, pressing the button and walking out of the room, pulling Abby with her.

“She needs some time alone.” Raven said, not really knowing Lexa enough to really be sure of what she had just said. “Maybe you could do the check up later?”

“Yes, of course.”

…………..

Almost a week had passed since Lexa had woken up, Abby had not given her the clear to travel so Lexa decided to make the most out of her stay in Arkadia and get a run down of how Skaikru worked as a clan and how things would be now that they were part of Trikru, she was having that talk with Abby of all people as they walked around Arkadia’s med bay.

“I was wondering what would become of our living arrangements, now that we belong to your clan the land we live in is ours? do we have the right to do as we please with it? how will we deal with this coming winter?” Abby asked, not really approving of Lexa walking around just yet, but also knowing that the Commander would do as she pleased.

“The subject of the land should be talked with the chiefs of the surrounding villages, I imagine you could form a settlement surrounding Arkadia and I wouldn’t be opposed to that because yes, as a part of Trikru that land is yours now. You just must remember that whatever you produce shall be shared with the rest of the clan, as they will provide for you during the time it takes your village to be self proficient, in this coming winter we will provide for you and during the months that follow as we teach your people the ways of the ground. After that dealings of land and farming and things of the like shall be discussed with the chiefs of the villages and small towns that form Trikru as I am concerned mostly with disputes and relationships among the clans.” Lexa said and Abby nodded along looking at the Commander as she stared at the machines surrounding the medical bay.

“I’ve been thinking of something and I would like to know if you would take part on it as you would be vital for the realization of this project.” The Commander said, sitting on a near chair with a hand on her ribs, Abby took a seat in front of her, nodding at her to continue. “Most of our villages have healers, and this healers usually work on their homes, or they go to the homes of the sick to help as much as they can, sometimes the help provided by our healers is enough, sometimes it isn’t. I am aware of Skaikru’s superiority in this field and I would like to make the most of it, I would like to build a place dedicated only for healing, so you can teach some of my people to heal as you do and so people from other villages and other clans can come and be healed by you.”

“Like a hospital.” Abby said, and Lexa suddenly remembered the word that had escaped her before, she didn’t have much of grasp of it because her people didn’t have a place that could compare to it.

“Yes, like a hospital. Your medbay is small, it’s size logical given your population, but keeping in mind that everyone should be able to come to this place and get help, we would need a bigger place, and we would need more healers like you, so some of my healers could come and help you as they learn from you. I understand you are vital for your people and I wouldn’t want to take you away from them so instead this hospital could be built here, near Arkadia?”

“Why not make Arkadia the hospital and built the houses for the people to live in outside instead?” said a voice by the door, Abby and Lexa turned to look as Raven made her way in. “This is the most sterile place there is, clean, the dirt can’t get in as it can in other places, it is also made of metal, durable and resistant in a way stone or wood isn’t. The hospital would have to have classrooms for the teaching, rooms for the sick, others for surgeries, it would be easier to sterilize rooms here than anywhere else. It would also be easier to build a bunch of little houses for the families here than to built a huge building for the hospital.” Raven grabbed a chair and propped herself down. “There is another option, but I am not too sure you will wanna hear it.” Raven said and Lexa tilted her head to the side.

“The Mountain.” The Commander said and Raven nodded.

“We took it down,” Raven said, “and now that we are married it belongs to Trikru as well, it is still operational and it can be easily turned into a medical facility because it has all the resources you could ever need, the land that surrounds it is deserted because of the acid fog so we could settle there and take that land without bothering anyone, it will also protect us as we would have control over the weapons that lay inside of it, also, if war came we could lock ourselves in there and let the rest of the clans kill each other. We would be foolish not to use it.” Raven said and looked down at her nails nonchalantly. “It is also our right to take it because we got rid of the Mountain Men.”

“It is true that the resources in the Mountain would make a change for the better, they will also allow for research and they have years worth of medication inside.” 

Lexa looked pensive for a while and then shook her head, Raven though that she would reject the idea.

“I think the settlement should remain on the land around Arkadia, the land around the Mountain is uneven and full of trees, it would be more practical to built on the even ground of the clearing Arkadia lies on. The Mountain could be just the medical facility, of course, some of your people could live there if they wish to.” Lexa said, nodding her head, both Abby and Raven looked surprised she had agreed.

“I didn’t expect convincing you would be that easy.”

“It wasn’t really a matter of convincing, it was simply the fair thing to do, you took down the mountain and so it is yours.” the Commander said, receiving a nod from Abby.

“Ours.” Raven said, raising her hand and wiggling her fingers so Lexa would stare at her ring.

“Of course, Raven, ours.”

…………..

Clarke found Lexa sitting on the floor in front of the bed, legs crossed and eyes closed. Clarke sat in front of her and waited for a few seconds, Lexa didn’t seem to notice her presence.

“You should be in bed, your ribs are still sensitive, you know they need at least 6 weeks to heal.” Clarke said, watching Lexa open her eyes and sigh.

“All this time being motionless has been doing more harm than good, I shall go back to my people soon.”

“You will take Raven with you?”

“For the summit yes, I must introduce her to the clan leaders, but after we both will come back to help with the Mountain.” Lexa said, keeping a hand pressed to her chest, already tired of her body’s weakness.

“I’m sure the clans won’t be happy with your decision, with Trikru’s new found power.”

“I will take care of it.” Lexa said and Clarke just stared at her. Ever since she had spoken to her mother, since she had heard of the move towards the Mountain, a bad feeling had developed in her stomach, she dreaded the time of Lexa’s parting and she worried about the Clans’ reaction.

“I will go to Polis with you.” Clarke said watching as Lexa’s eyes widened just slightly.

“I assure you, Clarke, I won’t let harm come to your people.” Lexa said and Clarke tilted her head to the side, saddened at the fact Lexa never seemed to think Clarke’s feelings or desires had anything to do with her.

“It isn’t really about that, I want to go because you invited me I have been curious ever since. Besides, I have no desire of stepping inside that mountain ever again, if I’m at Polis I have a excuse not to be there.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded in understanding.

“Escaping your demons will get you nowhere.”

“I am aware, but I have the right to face them in my own time.” Clarke said, her voice straining as she looked away from Lexa. “Even if I didn’t hate the Mountain because of what I had to do there, why would I want to go back there? it feels as dead as this place.”

“I agree, It is hard for me to imagine a life here.” 

“I never knew anything else, but now I do and if there is something clear in my mind is that I won’t waste my life inside this metal walls.” Clarke said, staring at the lack of color everywhere and frowning in distaste.

“I hope Raven feels the same way, in the event of my death she will probably have to come back here, I mean no offense Clarke, but this is the last place I would like my pup to grow up in.” Lexa said and Clarke huffed in exasperation.

“Do you ever talk about anything other than your death?” Clarke said, not amused in the slightest when Lexa’s lips curled in amusement. 

“It is hard not to speak of it, it has always been breathing down my neck.” Lexa said and Clarke blatantly ignored the comment.

“It may be hard for Raven not to live here, do you know what she does? what her work is?” Clarke asked and Lexa tilted her head to the side, confused.

“Raven makes weapons.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

“Yes, but that’s more like a necessity given the world we live in, back in space she was a mechanic, working to become an engineer.” Clarke saw in Lexa’s face that the Commander wasn’t following, and tried to find better ways to say it. “She works with tech, fixing tech, building tech, designing new tech, it is what she likes to do and I imagine it would be hard for her to do that back in Polis.” Clarke said, watching Lexa nod with a concerned frown.

“I will do what I can to make sure her time in the capital is a pleasant one.” Lexa said at last, her gaze far away, mind working fast to find a solution, to make sure Raven would be happy.

“I know.” Clarke said. “Have you ever had to do something like what I did at the Mountain?” 

Lexa stayed quiet for a few seconds, and Clarke saw her swallow hard.

“Yes, similar things.”

“Things? as in more than once?” 

“Yes, my people pushed me to do that to Skaikru, wipe you out, leave no trace your people ever existed.” Lexa said, “Taking those measures has never been pleasant, it is a waste of life, so I forge alliances instead, like I did with the Coalition, some clans came willingly, drawn in by what they could gain with the trade, some others resisted and I had to force them into the the Coalition, show them that they alone couldn’t stand against the force of many.” Lexa shook her head, looking down at her hands.

“You never did that against your friends like I did, though.” Clarke said, her tone bitter and angry, her sorrow apparent with the smell pouring out of her skin. Lexa’s eyes turned hard, turned into stone, and Clarke almost moved back in surprise.

“Do you have any idea how the Commander is chosen?” Lexa asked, her tone flat, her eyes dead. “Do you know what happens during the conclave?”

“No.” Clarke said, dread pulling in her stomach at the expression on Lexa’s face.

“All the nightblood children are taken to Polis to be trained, then, when the reigning Commander dies the conclave is called and all those children who grew up together as each other’s families, as brothers and sisters are forced to fight each other to the death, until just one is left standing.” Lexa said, clenching her jaw. “I may have not done the same as you, but I did murder all my brothers and sisters, all my friends, and now I’m training my nightbloods, my pups, knowing that the moment I die, they will have to kill each other to become what I am today. So yes Clarke, I believe I know how it feels to be the reason of your friends’ deaths, after all, I killed them all with my bare hands.” 

Clarke was speechless, knowing she had fucked up, badly.

“Lexa, I-”

“The actions and the decisions we have to make come with our roles, Clarke, it is our duty to make them so our people can have better lives.” Lexa said, her tone sharp.

“But how do you move past it?”

“You don’t, you learn to live with it, it will accompany you for the rest of your life like any other part you and you must accept it, learn from it and use it as foundation to work for a future where you don’t have to make the same decision again.” Lexa said, standing up with a wince a hand pressed against her chest. “You feel like the guilt will swallow you whole right now, but in time you will realize you only did what you had to do and you succeeded, focus on that and moving forward will be easier.”

Clarke nodded and watched from the floor as Lexa walked away.

……………

That night Lexa woke up with a shout, her eyes seeing nothing but black soaking her hands, her shirt was soaked in sweat and she was breathing so hard she thought her ribs would snap with how hard she was stretching them.

“Hey… Lexa…. calm…. safe.” A voice tried to filter in, but she couldn’t breathe and the edge of her eyes were turning black. A hand moved up her back and she shuddered, moving away from the touch, she was trapped, locked up in a cage, she couldn’t breathe.

“Ok, I won’t touch you but you have to look at me, Lexa, look at me!” The loudness of the voice made Lexa’s head snap to the side, she stared into brown eyes, her gaze hazy. “Everything is fine, you are safe, and everything is okay.” Lexa watched Raven’s mouth move, but she didn’t understand what she was saying.

“Listen to me Lex,” Raven said slowly and Lexa’s eyes seemed to widen slightly, so Raven used it again. “I’m right here with you Lex, and we are both safe.”

Lex.

Lex.

Lex.

“What happened, strik gada? I am right here with you, little Lex.” The woman picked the small child up and held her against her chest.

“Ugly dream, nomon.” The child whispered, tears rolling down her cheeks as she buried her face in the woman’s neck.

“It isn’t real Lex, and we are both safe.”

“But the ripa are real, nomon.” the child said, shuddering at the thought of the monsters that came and took her people away.

“Yes, but they are far far away, they can’t get us here, ai yongon.” the woman said moving her hand gently down soft tresses of brown hair. “I’ll stay here with you, ai hod yu in, little Lex.”  
Raven watched the Commander calm down slowly, her words, that name, having triggered something in her head, since then her gaze had been lost and her breathing had slowed down.

“Everything is fine,” Raven said again, “We are safe.” Raven whispered and the Commander nodded. “Why don’t we go out for a walk?” the Commander just nodded again, twisting her face into a mask of indifference as they made their way outside and then past the fence.

Lexa breathed in hard, gulping down the fresh air, the scent of trees, of grass, taking in the sounds the animals of the night were making, the wind. She clutched her eyes shut and was finally able to calm her mind. The sudden peace that came with it weakened her knees and she would have gone down like a tree trunk if Raven hadn’t caught her and eased her onto the fresh grass, laying the Commander down gently and then doing the same right next to her.

The Commander stared up at the night sky with relief, seeing the stars, the moon, it was everything she didn’t know she needed.

“I think it is time we leave, you are not made to be inside that metal box.” Raven said after a few minutes of silence, once Lexa’s breathing was back to normal.

“I apologize Raven, you must think you married the weakest alpha around.” Lexa said, shame deeply injected in her voice, she hated that the omega had seen her like that.

“I don’t think that, you had a nightmare, it happens. I am actually glad I saw you like that, now I know you are not a robot.” Raven said and when she turned to look at Lexa the Commander was looking back at her with red eyes and a confused expression.

“I’m afraid I do not know what a robot is.”

“A robot is a machine, a piece of tech, that can do certain things, it is programmed by a computer, by people, and so it does not have intelligence of its own, or feelings, even if some of them can talk and carry actions, they do not feel things, they just act, do what they are programmed to do.” Raven explained.

“Are you saying I lack intelligence, Raven of the Sky people?” Lexa asked and Raven smirked back at her.

“I won’t deny the thought has crossed my mind a few times.” Raven said, and Lexa’s expression didn’t change. “But I was referring to the fact that you don’t express what you are feeling or thinking, right know I basically insulted you and you are just blankly staring at me, like you didn’t feel anything, a robot would do the same if I insulted them, cause they do not have feelings.”

“Acting like a robot is necessary for a person in my position, like that we do not give away what we are going to do.” Lexa said.

“I know, what I mean is that now I know that it is just an act and that you actually are not an emotionless sack of bones. I was worried our child would be a little robot just like you.” Raven said, poking Lexa’s uninjured shoulder with her index finger.

“Our child would get hurt a lot less if they were like a robot, I’m sure.” The Commander said and Raven as usual tried to lighten the mood.

“I think that’s the most depressing shit I have ever heard, Commander.” Raven said, feeling a little proud at the small smile that pulled at Lexa’s lips, by now the mechanic knew that the Commander found her dirty mouth amusing.

“I do not think I have ever heard someone talk in that manner before, Raven.”

“You love it.”

“I find it refreshing, yes.” Lexa said and Raven smiled to herself. “I am curious to see how your relationship with Titus is going to be.”

“Titus?”

“He is the Flamekeeper, he will make sure my spirit passes on once I die, he is the protector of the spirit.” Lexa said and Raven’s expression turned bitter, she rolled on her side and stared at Lexa from above, propped up on her elbow.

“He is the asshole that told you your life doesn’t matter because you are just a vessel for the spirit?”

“Yes, he was my teacher and now my most important advisor.”

“Well, I think he is a fucking idiot and I don’t want him to share word with our child.”

“I do not want him near our child either, Titus is not particularly good with children.” Lexa said and there was something in the way she said it that didn’t sit well with Raven, unconsciously she started pumping out soothing pheromones, hoping to get rid of Lexa’s distressed expression.

“What are we going to name them?” Raven asked at last, looking back up at the night sky.

“I do not know, I never really thought I would get to have children.” Lexa responded.

“Me neither.” Raven said, lying on her back once again. “We can call them Little Robot in the meantime, until we decide, in honor of their mother ”

Lexa turned to look at Raven and the mechanic was surprised to see the small smile in her face.

“Your mockery amuses me, Raven of the Sky people.”

“And so I see, Heda.”

They were silent for a while, it felt like hours and it wasn’t uncomfortable, Lexa appreciated the silence, but she didn’t mind when Raven broke it.

“Do you know what a star is?”

Lexa had looked back at Raven with confusion and then had directed her gaze at the sky, like it was obvious, but then Raven started talking, saying things Lexa couldn’t even begin to understand, to her the stars were just beautiful lights in the sky, to Raven they were balls of luminous gas, kept the together by the pull of their own gravity. Lexa didn’t know what gravity was, or what gas was, but Raven did and she seemed excited about explaining it all. She was passionate about that particular subject, Lexa noted, and the way she seemed to not only have knowledge, but an understanding of that knowledge told Lexa that Raven’s intelligence went farther than she could imagine. 

It made Lexa smile, it calmed her down, to hear Raven speaking in such a manner about something Lexa hadn’t even dwelled on ever before. To her the stars were just there, keeping the moon company, making sure the world wouldn’t be consumed in darkness, but then Raven said that the Sun was also star and Lexa couldn’t help but turn to look at her profile, to stare as Raven’s arms and hands moved, pointing things in the night sky, talking about different kind of stars and explaining why some were brighter than the others, saying that the sun only seemed to be the biggest and brightest because it was the closest in the sky, but that there were others that were bigger and brighter but that were so far away that they were only faint twinkling lights in the earth’s night sky.

Lexa had a hard time keeping up with all of it, nodding along to everything Raven said when she turned to make sure the Commander was following. Lexa just wanted to keep listening to her, with every word that left Raven’s mouth the worries in her mind were muted and the frantic beat of her heart that hadn’t really calmed since she woke up got just a little bit slower. Lexa could finally breathe again.

“Do you see those three stars? the ones that are really close together making a straight line?” Raven asked, pointing with her finger. She didn’t receive an answer and so she turned to see Lexa staring back at her.

Raven then saw something she didn’t expect to see, the Commander of the 12 clans blushing after being caught staring at a girl.

“Just try to follow my finger.” Raven said, not wanting to mortify the Commander more and Lexa did as told.

“Yes, I see them.”

“Those three stars are part of the constellation of Orion, and together they form his belt. Orion was a hunter in Greek mythology, son of Poseidon, god of the sea. That bright star under the belt and towards the left is Rigel, the brightest star in the Orion constellation and ot makes the hunter’s left foot.” Raven said avoiding saying something else when she saw Lexa’s thoughtful expression.

“That one is really bright.” Lexa said, pointing to really bright star under Orion’s belt. “Does it have a name?” the Commander asked and the excitement on Raven’s face told her that the star in fact had a name.

“That’s Sirius, the brightest star on the night sky, it is also called the Dog star as it belongs to the Canis major constellation.” Raven said and Lexa nodded, moving her eyes away from Raven and back to the sky.

“Perhaps, if we have a boy, we could name him that?” Lexa asked tentatively, it would be nice to have their child named after the brightest star in the sky.

“Yeah,” Raven said, staring up at it, “I think I’d like that.”

“Sirius kom Trikru.” Lexa whispered to herself and her next breath came out shaky, she didn’t think she had truly realized she’d have a child until she said the name out loud. “Raven, I didn’t think this would ever happen, I dreamed of it long ago and now it is real.” Lexa rolled to her side, grimacing slightly, her hand hovering over Raven’s belly. “Can I touch you?” 

Raven mutely nodded and a few seconds later she felt Lexa’s rough hand touch the soft skin of her abdomen, right over the place where their child was growing. Right there, feeling Lexa’s gentle, careful touch, Raven wished the roughness of her palms came from building houses instead of fighting wars.

……..

The next day Indra came bursting through the medbay’s doors, Raven looked up from her place next to Lexa’s bed and Abby did the same, she had just been checking the stitches on the slash wound on the Commander’s lower abdomen. Clarke, who had been reading her mother’s notes on Lexa’s chart, was instantly on a state of alert.

“Heda, the Ambassador of Azgeda demands your presence in the capital.” she said, and the uneasy way in which she clutched her sword told Raven that they were heading right into trouble. “It is said that the Queen knows about the union with Skaikru and she isn’t pleased.”

Lexa was out of bed so fast the movement made Raven dizzy.

“Prepare our gona, we leave, now!” Lexa said, her voice coming out as a growl as she stood straight behind Raven, her pheromones flaring so much so a fog of them build up in Raven’s lungs. Indra left the room as fast as she had come in and Lexa grabbed Raven by the arm making her stand up and keeping her close.

“I’m going to scent mark you now, will you let me?” The Commander said, the line between a question and a demand completely blurred, the agitation in Lexa’s usually calm eyes made worry boil deep in the mechanic’s stomach and so she nodded, allowing Lexa to pull her closer, to press their bodies together, her scent covering Raven like a blanket and then retreating as fast as it had come showing just how good Lexa was at controlling herself.

“What is going on?” Raven asked as Lexa pulled back, her grip on Raven’s arm softening.

“Do not concern yourself, just go pack all you need, my gona will carry it for you, do not take long.” Lexa said, pushing Raven gently towards the door.

“Lexa, you know they are probably the ones that orchestrated the attack to begin with.” Clarke said as soon as the gona posted by the door followed Raven to her room.

“Do you mean the cabin attack?” Abby asked, concern fixed on her features.

“Clarke.” Lexa scolded, obviously not wanting to have that conversation in front of the doctor.

“She is my mother, she will not betray us, and do not change the subject you know better than anyone what the Ice Nation is capable of, Raven’s safety is on the line here-”

“I know very well what’s a stake, Clarke.” Lexa snapped, the flare in her pheromones making Clarke step back, the hairs on the back of her neck standing on end. She was an alpha too, but she wasn’t as powerful as Lexa. “That is why I will leave and control the situation before it gets out of line.” The Commander then turned to Abby. “You will continue with the plans regarding Mount Weather, I will come to over see it as soon as I can. I will be taking Clarke with me.”

“What?” Abby said, ready to retaliate when the Commander put her hand up to shut her up.

“You are now Trikru, not Skaikru, and because of that the Trikru ambassador represents you as well, so at least that you want him making all decisions regarding our new united clan you need someone to over see what he is doing, who better than Wanheda herself to do that.” Lexa said, “Clarke is already respected and feared among the clans, and even if she isn’t your leader she is seen as such.”

“But aren’t you the leader of Trikru? wouldn’t all the decisions concerning our united clan fall onto you?” Abby asked.

“I am indeed the leader of Trikru, but my role now as ruler of the 12 nations doesn’t allow me to oversee things as closely as I would like to, that is why the chief of each Trikru village handles their internal affairs on their own and take the needs they can’t manage to the Trikru Ambassador, who later takes those needs to me if he is unable to find a solution on his own.”

“Mom, I will go willingly, Lexa is our leader now and I’ll just be there to make sure she really makes our needs her own.” Clarke said, touching her mother’s hand in hopes of easing her worries. The doctor nodded and pulled her daughter into a hug, cupping her cheeks and placing a kiss on her forehead.

“Be safe.”

……………..

Raven was in the medbay with Abby, getting a last check up before she would have to leave.

“With time your scent will change as a sign of your pregnancy, she will sense it and will get more protective and possessive, her instincts will focus on the protection of the child.”

“I doubt it, she is a strange alpha.” Raven said, staring at Lexa through the glass doors, the Commander was standing outside waiting for Raven.

“She might be, but she can only control herself so much and I doubt she has been trained to control her instinct to protect her children.” Abby said, giving Raven a bottle of pills. “They will help keep the baby healthy. I also think I know why she’s so different from everyone else, why she is so strong.” the doctor said, and Raven motioned her to go own. “I studied a sample of her blood, it is extraordinary, I could not study it properly with the lack of equipment but I was able to notice something, her DNA could have only come from 2 alphas.”

“She is a pure blood alpha, then.” Raven said, in awe. Back in the ark, alphas weren’t allowed to reproduce among each other, pure blooded alphas were too strong, too fast, too aggressive, they caused disasters and the government's way to control them was to float them because they were a threat to their rule.

“Yes, which makes her controlled behavior all the more strange.” Abby said, “her self control is like nothing I have seen before.”

“She kept herself under control even during my heat and her rut, I noticed the strain, but she didn’t allow herself to let go until I told her to.” Raven said and Abby’s eyes widened before they went dark.

“What?” Raven said, concerned at the look on Abby’s face.

“I can’t be sure, but that level of repression can never come from a good place.” The doctor said and for some reason Raven’s mind went directly to Titus and the things Lexa had said about him, her expression while she said that he wasn’t good with children. Raven shook her head, trying to keep her mind from wandering into dark places and directing her gaze back to Abby.

“How do I keep her healthy?” Raven said, tilting her head to the side to show she was referring to the Commander. “She should still be in bed rest.”

“Make sure she sleeps a lot once she is in Polis, remind her to ice her ribs at least twice a day.” Abby said, taking another bottle of pills and offering it to Raven. “I know she probably won’t want to take these, but pain management is always key to the proper healing of broken ribs.”

“I don’t even know how she is standing.” Raven said, turning her head to look at Lexa with a frown.

“You know what they would do to her for showing weakness, imagine what would have happened if she told them to wait until she is healthy.” Abby said, her face contorted in disgust at the grounder ways. “She doesn’t really have much of a choice, either she pushes through the pain or she is executed.” Raven nodded, knowing that Abby was only stating the truth. “Remember, if you feel any discomfort you radio me, okay?”

“Yes, I will, I really hope I won’t have any morning sickness.”

“Everyone's a little different, maybe you won’t.” Abby said, adjusting Raven’s brace for her and then helping her down from the bed. “Make sure someone takes her stitches out in four days.”

“Sure, I will.”

……………  
They had been riding all day, stopping to make camp once they started losing light.  
Lexa was walking across the tent, taking her armor off, and Raven was just watching her, getting exasperated.

“Can you just come to bed already?”

“Do not worry, take the bed, I’ll sleep here.” Lexa said pointing at the floor, Raven rolled her eyes trying to keep herself from face palming.

“I know the bed is small, but I promise I don’t kick.”

“I do not wish to violate your space, Raven.” the Commander said and Raven lay back on the furs with a sigh.

“You are my wife, you have the right to violate my space.” Raven said, shivering at the cold glare the Commander directed at her.

“No one has the right to violate your space.”

“Then I am giving you permission to.” Raven said and Lexa didn’t listen. “We talked about it, you told me you would take care of yourself, we have been riding all day, my leg hurts like a bitch and I can see you are exhausted and in pain too, just come lay down, don’t be a stubborn idiot.”

Lexa sighed and moved closer to the bed, lying down besides Raven and sighing, she was so incredibly sore and uncomfortable.

“Take this.” Raven said, offering Lexa a white pill.

“You know I ca-” Lexa started, but Raven cut her off, rolling her eyes in exasperation.

“It won’t make you unaware, it will just take the edge of, I swear it over our Little Robot.” Raven said, taking Lexa’s hand and pulling it over her belly. The Commander knew she was being manipulated again, but she relented either way, swallowing the pill.

“Rest Raven, we will have a long day tomorrow.”

“Yeah, goodnight, Robot.” Raven said, never missing a chance to mess with the Commander, before curling on her side.

……………

Raven didn’t know why, but next time she woke up she was in the mountain and Cage was drilling into her bones. She felt it all, she fell her skin break, her blood pour out, her bone give away, weak and defenseless against the metal. She felt the pain all over again and so she screamed, she screamed until her lungs burnt more than her injuries, she begged them to stop, but they didn’t and so she screamed louder. She screamed so loud she woke herself up.

A sea of green was right in front of her, the scent of smooth leather, freshly cut wood and grass covering everything as strong arms curled around her, calloused palms rubbing up and down against her skin where her shirt had ridden up in her sleep. Lexa’s eyes were calm, tranquil, silent as they looked intently into Raven’s, grounding her, pushing away her panic.

“I will protect you until the end of our lives.” Lexa said, cupping Raven’s cheek gently. “I will protect you until I can not fight anymore, do you understand that?” Raven nodded jerkily, not quite out of her nightmare just yet. “Do not be afraid, I will keep you safe, I swear it.” the scent of the alpha swallowed her whole and Raven could do nothing but let herself fall into it, pressing her face against the Commander’s neck and curling her arms tight around her shoulders, keeping her close and keeping herself latched onto reality. 

She stayed in the Commander’s embrace for as long as it took her heart to regain a regular rhythm.

“Sorry, I guess I didn’t let you sleep much.” Raven said, noticing for the first time that there were a few candles lit up on the small table next to the Commander’s side of the bed.

“Do not apologize Raven, you are my wife, it is my duty to protect your mind as much as it is my duty to protect your body.” Lexa said, catching with her thumb a lonely tear that was falling down Raven’s cheek. “If it makes you feel better, you must know that I was already awake, so you did not wake me.”

Only then did Raven see the dark shadows under the Commander’s eyes, who was clearly exhausted.

“What were you doing then?” Raven asked, composing herself as she moved further away from the Commander. The alpha reached for something on the small table and offered it to Raven with hesitance.

It was a small piece of wood, Raven could easily hold it in one hand as it was very light and even if it was rough around the edges Raven noticed it had the shape of a dog.

“It is for our child and it still needs more work, do you approve of it?” Lexa asked, her voice quiet and Raven turned to look at her, her eyes warm.

“Yes, of course, this is amazing, I’m sure our Little Robot will love it.” Raven said, looking down at the small dog and then back up at Lexa. “Can you make more of these?”

“Yes, yes, of course, there are few shapes I can’t make out of wood.” Lexa said, reaching to touch the small dog when she noticed some blackness around her fingers, the Commander went to wipe it on the furs when Raven grabbed her hand.

“You cut yourself.”

“Yes, a few times, the lightning is not proper here.” Lexa said, hiding her shock well when Raven took her hand to her mouth and sucked on her bleeding finger.

“There, all better.” Raven said, after running her tongue over the cut and sucking on it until it had stopped bleeding.

“Thank you.” Lexa said, not entirely sure of what she was supposed to say in that particular situation.

“You are welcome, Robot, would it be okay if we went outside for a little while?”

“Whatever you desire, wife.” Lexa said, standing up and draping a coat over Raven’s shoulders. “I would like to hear more about the luminous balls of gas that light up the sky.”

Raven answered with a grin, laying down in the grass with Lexa and ignoring the guards that starred weirdly at them.

“Heda, was there something you needed?”

“No, go back to your post, gona.”

In a few hours Raven fell asleep again talking about constellations. Lexa looked at her, appreciating her beauty and in awe of her intelligence as she gently picked her up, her wounds protesting all the while as she walked back to her tent and lay Raven down on the bed. 

……………

Raven knew they were close to Polis when she saw the massive tower, she gasped, impressed and a moment later Lexa whispered in her ear.

“That is our home, our room is on the top floor, it has the best view over Trikru territory and even beyond.”

“You will have to carry me up there, there is no way I can go up so many stairs.” Raven said, wincing at the mere thought of it.

“You won’t have to, their is an elevator.”

“And it works?” Raven said, turning to look at Lexa, both eyebrows arched.

“Some gona make it work, maybe you will find a way to make it work on its own.” The Commander said and a wave of excitement instantly washed over the omega.

“You will let me work on it?”

“Only if you desire to.”

“Of course, that’d be great.” Raven said and the Commander gave her a court nod.

“We are almost at the gates.” Clarke said from her place on Lexa’s left and the Commander nodded, taking something out of one of the saddle bags.

“It is time you wear this, Raven.” Lexa said, giving the omega the dark red cloth, similar to the Commander’s sash. “Tie it around your waist, like that my people will know who you are.”

Raven did as told just before the gates opened for them, the crowd received then with shouts and cries, overjoyed because of the return of their Heda. They recognized Clarke too, and shouts pricing the mountain slayer quickly accompanied those in favor of the Heda.

They hadn’t even finished making their way inside the tower when a bald man came towards them, bowing slightly to Lexa and not sparing a glance to Clarke and Raven.

“Heda, the ambassadors are waiting for you, follow me.” Titus said, guiding them towards the elevator.

“I apologize,” Lexa said, moving her gaze from Clarke to Raven, “rest must have to wait until after the meeting.”

Both of them nodded and they were guided into a room, the stench of several alphas gathered in one place instantly kicking them in the face. There was a throne in the middle of the room, a smaller one by its side. 

“Rise for the Commander.” Titus said and all the men and woman sitting in a half circle in front of the throne did as told. Clarke was guided towards a chair right next to the one of the Trikru ambassador, both under the Trikru banner.

Lexa placed a hand low on Raven’s back guiding her up the steps and towards the two thrones, they stood before them, facing the ambassadors of the 12 clans as they bowed for their Commander, all except one dressed in white furs.

Titus rose from his bowed position and walked up to the man.

“The Ice Nation will bow before the Commander.” He said. The man didn’t listen and directed his gaze at Lexa.

“The Commander should bow for the Ice Nation, we know not to make Unions with our enemies.” he said, looking at Raven with a disgusted sneer in his face.

“The Commander bows before no one.” Titus said, his tone threatening as he walked even closer to the Ice Nation ambassador, his approach was halted by Lexa’s intervention.

“Stand down, Titus, we have more important matters to take care of.” Lexa said, sitting on her throne, most of the ambassadors followed her example, all except one.

“Yes we do,” The Azgeda ambassador, said, “for example why is Wanheda still alive, if this is your weakness again Azgeda will happily step in.”

“Is that why Azgeda’s army trespassed into Trigedakru territory, because you believe the Commander to be weak?” Titus asked.

“That was a mistake that has been rectified already, as you well know.” The man stated and Titus was quick to intervene.

“The Ice Queen doesn’t make mistakes, she makes threats.” Titus said and Raven watched Lexa stand up and walk slowly towards the balcony located right behind her throne, she turned back around, her face calm.

“There is no need to argue about this, come join me, I have a message for Queen Nia.” Lexa said. 

Clarke and Raven shared a glance, confusion in their eyes as they watched Lexa walk further into the balcony with the Ice Nation ambassador.

“I will happily deliver it.” the man said, turning her body towards Lexa and giving his back to the open balcony only to receive a hard kick to the chest, sending him flying into the void, the sounds of his scream fading as his body fell further down.

Raven could only stare in shock, her heart in her throat as she watched the Commander look at the rest of the ambassadors from over her shoulder.

“I am in an Union with Skaikru’s highest ranking omega, which means they are now a part of Trikru and therefore a part of this Coalition, but you all knew that already, because you all know the meaning of this sacred union. Moving against Skaikru is moving against Trikru, moving against me.” Lexa said, now facing the ambassadors with her whole body. “Now, would anyone else care to question my decisions.”

Raven looked around the room, the stench of fear pungent in her nose as the ambassador sat back, no one dared to mutter a word.

“Good.” the Commander said, “Then let’s begin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think in the comments!


	3. Of conflict and feelings

“So Lexa, tell me, do you usually go around throwing people off your tower, or do you only do it when you are pissed off?” Raven asked casually, she was lying in bed face down, a woman with heavenly hands massaging her back. Lexa was resting next to her, Clarke sitting besides her, putting some ointment on her ribs, the grounders couldn’t really cool stuff up if it wasn’t cold out.

 

Raven turned her head to look at Lexa when the woman didn’t answer, she looked confused.

 

“Angry.” Clarke said after a moment, “Pissed off means angry.” Lexa nodded in understanding and moved her gaze back to Raven.

 

“He implied that I should bow to him, that I am weak, he was questioning my ruling because his clan wants to make a statement by crushing the mountain slayers. Anyone who disrespects me like that is bound to die, I just saved us all time and gave him a swift execution.” Lexa said, straight faced, like killing that man had been nothing to her.

 

“So you do go around throwing people off your tower?” Raven asked a smirk playing at her lips.

 

“The people of Polis know to keep that spot clear, yes.” Lexa said and Raven arched her eyebrows.

 

“That was badass, really hot.” Raven said, looking away and Lexa directed her confused stare at Clarke.

 

“Badass is like tough, powerful, intimidating, and hot refers to when someone finds you attractive physically.” Clarke said and Lexa’s cheeks got a little red.

 

“Like beautiful?” She asked and Clarke tilted her head to the side, amusement dancing in her eyes as she opened her mouth to respond.

 

“No, like they’d totally fuck you.” Raven said.

 

Clarke watched Lexa’s ears get completely red, her eyes widening just slightly in shock.

 

“But I already did that.” Raven said, turning her head to look at Lexa and wiggling her eyebrows. “Many times.”

 

Clarke tried not to laugh at Lexa’s expression, looking down at Lexa’s chest and continuing to apply the ointment.

 

“I think it’d be more accurate to say that I fucked you.” Lexa said. And Clarke could only laugh at Raven’s baffled face. None of them had never heard Lexa curse before.

 

“No one cares about the details, anyway.” Raven said, shrugging her shoulders.

 

“You do, you asked me to do very specific things.” Lexa said and this time Clarke watched Raven go completely red on the face.

 

“Okay, okay, you win, just stop saying those things, it is incredibly awkward.”

 

“As you wish. I appreciate you find me physically attractive, you are quite beautiful too, Raven.” Lexa whispered and closed her eyes, she knew Clarke had slipped something in her drink and avoiding sleep seemed like an impossible task.

 

“Thanks.” Raven whispered, her face soft as she watched the Commander fall asleep. She then remembered Clarke was there and that the whole scene couldn’t be pleasant for the blonde.

 

“Shit, Clarke, I’m sorry.” Raven said, looking at the blonde with concern in her eyes, rolling over and telling the person who was giving her the massage to leave them.

 

“It’s fine,” Clarke said, shaking her head and covering Lexa with soft furs, moving her gaze towards Raven once she was done. “I can’t blame you for finding her attractive and I can’t blame her for finding you beautiful, I mean, you are beautiful, Raven. Besides, I know that look.”

 

“What look, there was no look.” Raven said, crossing her arms over her chest.

 

“There was, you realized that you can’t really blame her for Finn, or for the Mountain, that she made the most logical and rational decisions she could have made, that doing anything different would have gone against her duty, and that she believes she has no value and no worth outside that duty, as a person, so how could she go against it?” Clarke said. “You now know that she is broken and hurt, just like everyone else, if not more, the only thing that makes her different is that she doesn’t have anyone to share that with and that she doesn’t feel she has the right to do it anyway. Believe me Raven, I know that look, it took me seeing her dead in front of me to realize the same things.” Clarke whispered, her gaze getting dark and somber as she looked down at Lexa, they were mournful as they trailed across her face, the high cheekbones, the straight nose, the sharp jaw and pouty lips, Lexa was beautiful and the multitude of scars that started appearing as Clarke’s eyes continued to travel down her body only made more pain and anguish pull at the blonde’s stomach. The wounds Lexa had gotten that night at the cabin seemed harmless, looked like nothing compared to the ones she now was taking the time to see. “How did you realize?” Clarke asked at last, moving her eyes away from Lexa to look at Raven.

“Gustus.” Raven said, and Clarke nodded in understanding, she had seen the look on Lexa’s face after she had had to kill him. “She loved him, and she killed him anyway, she had to kill him. How could I expect her to spare Finn? How could I hate her for doing what she had to do? There was no other way out, was it?”

 

“No.” Clarke shook her head, looking away from Raven’s watery eyes. “She shouldn’t have let me go after I denied her people of their revenge.”

“Maybe she already loved you then and that’s why she spared you.” Raven said tentatively, a bad feeling building in her stomach as she saw Clarke chuckle darkly, her own eyes watering, a translucent tear slipping down her cheek and falling on Lexa’s arm.

 

“No, it had nothing to do with that, I think that even if she had had feelings for me back then it wouldn’t have mattered, I just think she wished she could have done the exact same for Costia, save her all the pain, all the agony.” Clarke said, knowing she had said something she shouldn’t have when Raven’s features twisted in confusion.

 

“Wait, who is Costia?” Raven asked, she had never heard that name before.

 

“I’m sorry, it isn’t my place, I assumed she must have told you, you will have to ask her.” Clarke said. “And Raven?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Don’t be afraid.” Clarke said, standing to leave.

 

“Of what?”

 

“Of not being able to hate her, whatever you feel is fine and you should let yourself feel it.” Clarke said and Raven lay back on the furs.

 

“You really think I will fall for her, don’t you?”

 

“I don’t think so, I’m sure, if I didn’t knew better I’d say you are falling already, just a little bit, but that’d be a stretch, wouldn’t it?” Clarke asked and Raven just took a second too long to answer.

 

“Saying that I’d fall for her at all is a stretch.”

 

“Then why were you looking at her like that?” Clarke asked and Raven wasn’t stupid, she knew exactly what the blonde was talking about.

 

“Even if that was a possibility, and it isn’t, I wouldn’t do that to you.” Raven said and Clarke shook her head.

 

“Don’t use me as an excuse to hide from your feelings, we both know life on the ground is too short for bullshit and for doubt, if you started having feelings for her I’d want you to act on them. We both know it’s been a long time since she felt loved, I’d be happy for her to feel that way again, even if it is not me making her feel it.” Clarke said, leaving the room.

 

Raven sighed, not really knowing what to think. One of Lexa’s handmaidens brought her dinner and helped her change into the softest sleeping gown she had ever worn in her life, not that she had worn any others. The handmaiden waited for her to finish and asked her if she would do something else, Raven said no and the woman proceeded to blow out all the candles, leaving the room in almost complete darkness, only moonlight filtering through the balcony.

 

………..

 

Lexa woke in the middle of the night, the moon still high in the sky, Raven sleeping peacefully by her side. The Commander sighed and rolled onto her side with a wince, thoughts of her child consuming her mind. How would they look like? Would they be calm? shy? would they be wild and open? would they enjoy the winter as much as she did? would they prefer the summer? would it be a boy or a girl? what if she ended up having both?

 

Lexa’s heart beat hard in her chest as she pondered on her last thought, having more than one child at once wasn’t an uncommon occurrence, but most times one of them would die during childbirth, sometimes the mother would die too. Worry gripped at Lexa’s throat viciously, she wanted Raven to be there for their child, she knew her mortality was short, that it was an uncommon occurrence that she had lived so long, so their child would need Raven.

 

The Commander contemplated her wife and hesitantly placed a hand on her belly. What if their child didn’t make it? Lexa was sure she wouldn’t be able to survive that, not again.

 

“Don’t you think it is too late to be giving yourself a headache?” Raven whispered and Lexa pulled her hand away like she had been burnt. 

 

“Forgive me, Raven, it was wrong of me to touch you without permission.”

 

“Don’t be dramatic.” Raven said, reaching for Lexa’s hand in the dark, taking it and placing it low in her abdomen again, keeping her own on top. “It’s not like you shoved your hand down my pants. What’s wrong? You are shaking.” Raven said, frowning and opening her eyes to look at the Commander.

 

“I am afraid for our child, Raven, and for you. If anything happened to you during the birth, before or after, I don’t know what I would do.” The Commander said and Raven could feel the worry in her voice.

 

“You can stop worrying about the birth at least, the pups and their mothers make it safely most of the time in Skaikru.” Raven said, and Lexa’s eyes widened.

 

“Are you speaking true, Raven?” The Commander asked, unconsciously rubbing her thumb back and forth over Raven’s belly.

 

“Yeah, why would I lie about that?”

 

“I apologize for offending you, children and their mothers often die during childbirth here, I am surprised it is so uncommon among skaikru.”

 

“For starters you really need to stop apologizing, I do not find you offensive, when I do I will tell you, and you know our medicine is great, as long as Abby is around I’m sure this baby is gonna be fine, she knows how to handle most things on this field.” Raven said, watching as Lexa’s shoulders relaxed with relief, the Commander directing her gaze back at Raven’s flat stomach.

 

“That is a relief, thank you for telling me, I will make sure your healer is here as soon as the time of the birth gets near.”

 

“There is also all the check ups, if something is wrong with the baby we'll know beforehand.” Raven said and Lexa’s head snapped up to look at her.

 

“We will?”

 

“Sure, we have machines that allow us to see the baby before it is born, we will hear their heartbeat and know their gender and if there is something wrong we will be ready for it.” Raven said and Lexa’s shocked expression, eyes wide and mouth slightly parted, made her smile.

 

“And this machines, they won’t hurt you?” Lexa asked, covering as much of Raven’s belly with her palm, the scent of protective pheromones were making a cloud around them.

 

“No, no, it is supper safe and the test is called ultrasound, we will have our first after the first 10 weeks, we will hear the pup’s heartbeat, we will see the umbilical cord and we will see if we have one or more babies.” Raven explained and Lexa nodded.

 

“Assuming that I managed to get you pregnant on the first try, it has been almost 3 weeks since our first night together, 7 days in the cabin, 10 days at Arkadia and 2 days traveling to Polis, so we will have our first ultrasound in 7 weeks.” Lexa stated and Raven nodded.

 

“Then we will have another one after 5 months to know the gender and to make sure they are growing okay.”

 

“I truly hope so.” Lexa said and she sounded honest. “I hope they bleed red, too.” she added, her tone somber.

 

“Me too, no offense, but I wouldn’t want them to be Commander.” Raven said.

 

“None taken, I wouldn’t want that for them either.” Lexa said, straightening a little to look at Raven. “There is something I would like to talk to you about.” The mechanic sensed trouble in her tone.

 

“Go on.”

 

“If I were to die…” Lexa started and Raven fought the need to eye roll. “There is something I want you to do,  for yourself and for our child.”

“What is it?”

 

“Go to Floudonkru, the Boat Clan, their leader is Luna, we didn’t see eye to eye in some things, but I consider her a friend, she owes me and because of that she’d take care of you and our child. Her clan is peaceful, mostly isolated from all the war and the bloodshed, you’d be safe there and our pup would have a peaceful childhood.” Lexa said, “Her clan is located east towards the ocean and beyond, Lincoln, or Indra will be able to take you there.”

 

“You said you would at least try to care about your life.” Raven said, saving Lexa’s words in her brain anyway.

 

“I know, but it is always good to have a backup plan, your safety and our child’s is of great importance to me.” Lexa said, looking at Raven deep in the eye. “I do not want to lose either of you.” The intensity of Lexa’s voice, the pain that hid behind a veil in her eyes told Raven that there was something more to all of it.

 

“I feel that there is something you aren’t saying.” Raven said and Lexa lowered her head, her scent, protective and possessive a moment before changed, getting weak, shameful.

 

“Before you I had a partner, our laws say that a Commander must have no mate, no children at least that it has some sort of political gain, so my partner and I avoided to bond and she would always drink a tea that would keep her from getting pregnant after one my ruts of her heats. It is said that Nightbloods are particularly fertile, that their seed catches fast so we were always careful, she would drink the tea and sometimes I would try to stop myself from knotting her, or just cum outside of her altogether.” Lexa swallowed hard and with her next sentence her voice broke. “The tea failed and I sensed her scent change. It was early and she hadn’t percibed the change herself, but still I knew, I knew that my seed was growing inside of her and that others would notice if they smelled her, so I covered her with my scent and started preparations to send her to Luna, before I could send her away she was kidnapped by the Ice Nation, their Queen believed Costia knew my secrets because she was mine, she tortured her, cut off her head and sent it to me in a box.” With every word Lexa’s voice had just gotten more and more flat, by the end it was completely emotionless. By the end Raven wanted to vomit

 

“I don’t think Costia knew she was pregnant, but I knew and I haven’t allowed myself to dream of having a family ever since, I haven’t been intimate with anyone since her for the same reason. The pain of losing them both was crippling, I started losing my mind, I felt the desire to take my life and join my partner and my unborn child, but I couldn’t because my life belongs to the spirit, and I couldn’t march on Azgeda because my people would perish in battle, I could do nothing.”

 

Once again, Raven wondered if maybe she was the one violating Lexa for forcing her into their marriage. The Commander couldn’t deny something that would be best for her people so the only way for the Union to be stopped was for Raven to deny, and she hadn’t, she had accepted.

 

“I was incapable of protecting them, I failed them and I-” Lexa’s voice faded into a sob the Commander failed to repress, Raven’s own eyes started to water and she did the only thing she could, she pulled the alpha into her arms and she hugged her.

 

Raven pulled Lexa close, curling her arms gently around the Commanders neck and rubbing her back in a soothing motion, knowing the Commander was still hurt and not wanting to aggravate her injuries.

 

“I need our child to be safe, Raven.” Lexa sobbed against the omega’s neck. “I won’t survive losing them, I can’t-”

 

“Shh, it’s fine, we are going to be okay, all of us.” Raven said, trying to offer comfort as the Commander’s breathing started to get more erratic. “You are going to keep us safe Lexa, just like you did at the cabin, I trust you to keep us safe.”

 

“She trusted me too- and she- she got killed- and I-” 

 

“And you formed the Coalition, your brought peace to the clans, you have done all you can and I trust you will keep us safe. We are all going to be okay.” Raven whispered, letting out as many comforting pheromones as she could as she ran her hand down the Commander’s soft hair, noticing right away how sensitive the back of her neck was and paying that spot special attention by caressing it gently with her fingertips. Lexa ended up laying bonelessly halfway on top of Raven with her head on her chest, letting the beat of her heart calm her worries.

 

Longs moments of silence passed and Raven just kept her hand on the back of the Commander’s neck, reassuring her with her touch.

 

“Have you ever talked to anyone about this before?” Raven asked and it took the Commander a few minutes to respond.

 

“About Costia, yes, I mentioned her to Clarke once, about our child, no.”

 

“Mentioned? No, Lexa, I mean talking about how her loss made you feel, mourning.” Raven said, feeling Lexa gently shake her head against her chest.

 

“A Commander does not have time to mourn, the death are gone, Raven, and the living are hungry.”

 

The mechanic looked up at the ceiling, trying to keep her emotions in check.

 

“I am weak for allowing myself to break like this.”

 

“No you are not, you are a person, you need time to heal, like everyone else does, and you won’t heal if you don’t allow yourself to mourn.”

 

“I can’t do that, Raven, I shouldn’t have even let myself feel for her the way I did, it made me weak, vulnerable.” Lexa said and Raven kept her arm tight around her back, knowing that the Commander was going to try and pull away.

 

“But that’s the thing Lexa, life is not worth it if you don’t have nothing to lose, even after all the pain, what you had with her, wasn’t that worth it?” Raven asked, her voice passionate as she tried to make the Commander see her point. “We all need something, a passion for something, love for people, it humbles us, makes us good.”

 

“But as a Commander I’m not allowed to have that, it would distract me from my duty.”

 

“Wouldn’t a pup and a partner inspire you even more towards building a better world? wouldn’t that make the burden of your duty more bearable?” Raven said, pushing Lexa’s head back gently so she could look at her in the eye. “Lexa is as human as everyone else and she’s dying under the Commander’s armor, she’s suffocating and she is tired, she needs something to hold onto and you are denying it to her and that will be your end.” Raven said holding Lexa’s gaze for a few seconds before letting the Commander’s head rest on her chest again. “Listen to me, hold on tight onto this baby and I assure you everything will be easier, allow Lexa this, please.”

 

\-----------

 

The next day Raven woke up with Lexa’s body heavy on her chest, it wasn’t uncomfortable though, quite the opposite as she felt really warm. When she turned her head she saw the handmaiden standing by the bed, fiddling with her hands nervously.

 

“Is there something you needed?” Raven whispered, trying to keep Lexa asleep as long as possible.

 

“Heda should have been awake hours ago, she missed training.” the young woman said, and Raven looked at the balcony with a frown, the sun was barely rising.

 

“Well, Heda is not allowed to train, she is recovering, her injuries are still tender.”

 

“But Heda has had a week to recover, she never misses training, not even when she is unwell.” the woman said, and Raven clenched her jaw, knowing she couldn’t say anything that would make Lexa seem weak.

 

“Things are different now, Heda has a partner, and that partner has needs, Heda’s duty is to see to those needs, is it not?” Raven said, moving her hand up and down Lexa’s back gently. The woman nodded.

 

“The Flamekeeper won’t be pleased, he is already angry about Heda missing training, he sent me to wake her up.”

 

“Well, you can tell the Flamekeeper to kiss my fuck-” Raven started, quickly getting exasperated, but was cut of by Lexa, who started talking without moving away from Raven.

 

“Eiza, draw me a bath, the water as hot as you can get it and bring my wife her breakfast, only the best, she’s expecting, she must have the best fruit, the best meat, the best bread. Tell the guards that I do not want anyone to come into my quarters unannounced, not even Titus, my partner deserves her privacy so tell him that he must stop barging in here whenever he desires to and that if he doesn’t the guards will keep him out forcefully.”

 

“Yes, Heda.” Eiza said, bowing her head.

 

“One more thing,” Lexa said, stopping her. “You must stay by my wife’s side at all times, everything she needs you must get for her, I don’t want you doing errands for anyone else, I am trusting you with the most important thing to me right now, Eiza, do not disappoint me.”

 

“Of course, Heda, I will not disappoint.” Eiza said, moving quickly and silently outside.

 

Lexa remained in the same position for a few more minutes before she gathered enough strength to push herself up, a grimace twisting her face as she reached to hold her chest.

 

“I see our sleeping arrangements were not the most appropriate.” Raven said as she watched Lexa stand up from the bed.

 

“On the contrary Raven, it’s been years since I last slept so much.” Lexa started undressing, staying in her underwear and bindings as Eiza prepared her bath.

 

“So much? the sun is not completely out yet and Eiza implied that you wake up even earlier than that.”

 

“She is right, I train for 2 hours before sunrise, then I get ready for the day, if I have time and if I have had an especially challenging day I try to fit in another training session before going to bed, I sleep better when I am exhausted. Eiza will fill you in better in my schedule, like that you will always know where to find me.” Lexa said, not really paying attention at the way Raven was staring at her body.

 

“Not surprised about the training thing, it shows, and I appreciate the eye recreation, but I am sure you should be sleeping more than that.”

 

“I can’t afford that, but you can.” Lexa said, watching as another handmaiden brought Raven a tray of food.

 

“Damn, I know I’m eating for 2 but this is an exaggeration.” Raven said, taking in the delicious smells of the food laid out in front of her, mouth watering.

 

“You are carrying a child, Raven, you need food. Eat as much as you can and ask Eiza if you want more of anything.” Raven nodded and watched as Lexa turned her back on her, pulling down her pants and moving towards what Raven assumed was the bathroom.

 

“Wait, wait, wait.” Raven called, remembering what Abby had told her. “You can soak your stitches.” Lexa stopped right before going inside, looking at Raven from over her injured shoulder and then reaching for her knife.

 

“It is time to take them out then.” Lexa said, moving the knife towards her shoulder.

 

“Are you insane? put the knife away!” Raven said, getting out of the bed as fast as she could without spilling the food.

 

“Raven, I haven’t bathed in awhile, I won’t stop myself from doing so now, over wounds that are already closed enough.” Lexa said, standing completely naked in front of Raven and moving to go to the bathroom again. Raven grabbed her by the arm and tugged.

 

“Just wait, Clarke will take them out. Eiza, bring Wanheda here, please.” Raven said, giving Lexa a robe and telling her to stop being an ass and wait for Clarke.

 

Lexa put her underwear back on walked inside the bathroom, staring at the steaming bath until finally Clarke came in carrying a small bag.

 

“I’m taking that bath even if you don’t remove them.” Lexa said as Clarke pushed the robe off her injured shoulder and examined the exit wound of the arrow.

 

“The wound looks good, it’s been 12 days since I did them, we could have taken them out 2 days ago, but we were on the road so I preferred not to.” Clarke said, taking out a pair of small scissors and tweezers to take the stitches on the front and back of Lexa’s shoulder out. “How does it feel?” Clarke asked, touching the skin with her fingertips and cleaning the wounds with a little alcohol.

 

“Fine, sensitive. I didn’t know you had been the one to do them, I assumed it had been your mother.” Lexa said as she moved back a little further so Clarke could take the longer line of stitches on her abdomen.

 

“I got there first with the back up team, you were bleeding a lot from this wound, so I didn’t want to wait for my mother.” Clarke said, gently taking each stitch out after cutting them, Lexa’s abs softly flexing under her hand as she breathed.

 

“You are very good at doing them, Clarke, it looked like a job made by an expert, much better than some of the stitches I have gotten from our best healers.” Lexa said, and Clarke looked up at her from her work to give the Commander a small smile.

 

“Thanks.” The blonde said, and the Commander nodded. “I am not as good as my mother, but I’ve been practicing stitches since I was a child, I planned to follow my mother’s footsteps and study medicine back on the Ark.”

 

“You could still do that, I am sure, Marcus could fill your spot here.” Lexa said as Clarke was finishing up examining the mostly healed wound.

 

“I would have to live in Mount Weather for that and even if that wasn’t the case I don’t think that is what I want now.” Clarke said, standing up and helping Lexa to her feet. They were awfully close and Lexa’s open robe allowed to Clarke to see many things see she wasn’t supposed to.

 

“What do you want, Clarke?” Lexa asked, her voice low and raspy, anxious with having the blonde so close.

 

The Skaikru girl looked up, her blue eyes quickly getting lost in pools of green as her hand reached up to cup the Commander’s cheek, her thumb caressing the bronzed skin with gentleness.

 

“Only things that I can’t have.” Clarke responded at last, moving closer to press a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek. “Try to take it easy today, okay?” the blonde said, trailing her hand down the Commander’s arm until she reached her hand, giving it a soft squeeze. Lexa could only nod mutely, her heart thundering in her chest as she watched Clarke walk away.

 

………….

 

Raven paced outside of the throne room feeling a little angry at herself, she could have been there if she hadn’t felt asleep again after having breakfast. She knew she didn’t need to be there that Clarke would make sure everything went on the right track for their people, but still, Raven wished she could hear what they were saying. That fact that they had been there for hours didn’t make her feel any better, Eiza had already come to take her for lunch twice and she had rejected it, still feeling full from before.

 

Suddenly, Clarke came out of the room, her dark expression making Raven worry even more. The mechanic didn’t get to tell her anything when Eiza was hovering over her side again.

 

“Please, you must come eat, for the child, Heda won’t be pleased if you don’t care for yourself.” The woman said and Clarke gave Raven a look.

 

“Let’s go, we will eat right away.” the blonde said, grabbing Raven by the arm and taking her to the small dining room that Heda had in her quarters.

 

They sat down at the small table and Eiza started filling their plates for them. Moving away once she was done.

 

“How did it go?” Raven asked, and Clarke shook her head.

 

“They are being difficult, they say we are too similar to the mountain men, with our guns and the bombs and all the destruction we have brought, now that they know some of us are going to live there their fears have deepened. Lexa made it clear that now we are Trikru, so attacking us would be betraying the Coalition, that seems to be the only thing holding them back right now, they also seem persuaded by our medicine, they were surprised when I told them we hardly ever lose pups during childbirth, that seemed to be really important to them, apparently it is difficult for their pups to make it even if they do survive the birth. I told them everything we could provide for them and they seemed open to some things, the mountain is a whole other thing, they believed it to be cursed and they seem entirely opposed to going inside, if that continues to be the case we will have to take everything we can and build the medical center somewhere else.” Clarke said, sighing, reaching for some fruit in her plate and putting it in her mouth.

 

“So that’s what Lexa is doing right now? trying to stop them from acting like idiots.” Raven said, cutting her meat in small pieces and bringing one to her mouth, moaning at the taste, she had never tasted anything as delicious, back in space everything tasted bland. When she looked up Clarke was looking at her with a smile and an arched eyebrow.

 

“Yeah,” Clarke said, shaking her head with amusement. “That’s pretty much what she is doing. Do not worry, everything will turn out fine.” the blonde said, putting her hand gently on top of Raven, giving it a slight path before pulling away.

 

“I hope so.” Raven said.

 

The two Skaikru women finished their dinner together, they stayed then in the Commander’s quarters, waiting for Lexa’s return, but the moon continued to rise and there was no sign of the alpha.

 

“Clarke, hey Clarke.” Raven said quietly shaking the alpha’s shoulder until the blonde was awake.

 

“Sorry, Raven.” 

 

“It’s fine, it’s late and you are tired, you should go to bed we will have a tour around the  markets tomorrow.”

 

“I don’t feel good about leaving you here alone.” Clarke said, rubbing her eye with the back of her hand.

 

“It’s fine, I have a shadow now.” Raven said, motioning at Eiza’s general direction with her hand. Clarke looked at the woman warily, pretty much anyone could be the mole, she didn’t feel good about leaving Raven alone with the handmaiden either. “Go Clarke, you know I can defend myself, don’t worry.”

 

Clarke sighed and relented, squeezing Raven’s hand again before leaving.

 

…………

 

The sound of growling woke Raven up from her slumber, at first she thought it was Lexa, so she rolled over, her brown eyes blinked open slowly to find the pale eyes of a wolf looking back at her, the animal was huge in size, mostly black in color, with its chest, tummy, and 2 front paws being completely white, its teeth were bared and its body contorted in a position of attack. Raven couldn’t hold back her scream as she stood on the bed and pulled out her gun, pointing it at the wolf as it snapped its teeth at her, only then did she notice that the animal had two tails, both starting of black and then giving away to white.

 

“Raven, no!” Someone shouted by the door and a figure moved in front of the animal just as the mechanic fired her weapon.

 

Raven watched as a spray of black blood stained the floor and her eyes widened, taking in Lexa’s form as the black substance started pouring down her bicep.

 

“Lexa, what the hell?!” Raven yelled, her chest tight with fear as she reached for the Commander.

 

“It’s fine, it’s fine, he is my friend.” Lexa said, kneeling by the bed and reaching an arm out to the wolf, who instantly moving closer to her, nuzzling his head on Lexa’s shoulder and then lapping at the wound in her arm with his tongue.

 

“What’s going on?” Clarke said as she bursted inside, breathless. “I heard a gunshot.”

 

“Everything is fine.” Lexa said, her eyes calm as she stared at Raven, her hands running down wolf fur. “He must have been scared when he came into my room and found you instead of me.”

 

“He must have been scared?!” Raven said, her voice loud. “I was scared when I woke up with his teeth in my face!”

 

Clarke looked at the gun in Raven’s hand and then the wound on Lexa’s arm.

 

“You shot Lexa?” Clarke face, her voice stone as she looked at Raven.

 

“I shot the fucking wolf, she got in the way.” Raven said, still panicked.

 

“Not now, Clarke.” Lexa said, looking at the blonde from over her shoulder and then back at Raven. The blonde walked out of the room to go for her medical bag.

 

Lexa ordered the wolf to stay down and got onto the bed, pumping out comforting pheromones and moving her arms up and down Raven’s, blocking the mechanic’s view of the animal with her body.

“Hey, it’s okay, I promise he won’t hurt you, he is my friend, he has been with me since he was a pup.” Lexa, whispered, bringing her body closer to Raven’s, covering her with her scent. Raven buried her face in Lexa’s neck, feeling her heart slow down with the presence of the protective alpha. “I’m sorry he scared you, he doesn’t like new people, come meet him.”

 

“He is enormous.” Raven said, sitting on the floor besides the bed with Lexa by her side. The wolf was sitting in front of them, his ears moving back as Lexa caressed the top of his head.

 

“Heya Bouda, I am happy to see you, boy.” Lexa whispered and the animal moved closer to lick at her face. Raven watched in awe as the Commander smiled wide and big, teeth showing as the animal continued nuzzling his snout against her jaw, she looked so so beautiful. “This is Raven, ai houmon, she is carrying my pup.” Lexa said, directing the wolf’s attention to the mechanic, and the wolf started sniffing at her. “You may touch him, Raven.”

 

“He won’t snatch my hand in one bite, right?” Raven said and Lexa looked at her with an unimpressed look, taking her hand and putting it on the soft fur covering the wolf’s head, with Lexa’s hand covering hers they caressed the wolf’s head, the animal seemed to enjoy it, closing its eyes and tilting his head towards their hands. “Oh, that’s not so bad.”

 

“He is a good friend and protector, has saved my life many times.”

 

“How did you get it?”

 

“Found him in the forest, he was small, a few months old at best, he was hurt, so I imagine the pack left him behind, I patched him up and brought him to the healers, they fixed him up, he has been with me ever since.”

 

“Why wasn’t he with you when you were in Skaikru?”

 

“He is still an animal, doesn’t belong behind walls, so I allow him to come and go as he pleases, even if most of times he does prefer staying with me.”

 

“He is gorgeous,” Said a voice by the door and Clarke came in with her medical bag, sitting next to Lexa and taking a look at the wound on her bicep. “Just a grace, but it will need stitches.” Clarke said, as she worked on pulling Lexa’s skin back together.

 

Bouda, the wolf, suddenly stood up and whined, walking toward the door and looking back at Lexa. The Commander frowned, usually the wolf stayed by her side, but he seemed to want to leave again. The wolf walked back towards Lexa, and pulled at the fabric of her pants with its teeth.

 

“What’s wrong, boy?” The animal kept pulling until Lexa stood up. “I have to go, he wants to take me somewhere.”

 

“And you just blindly go wherever your wolf takes you to in the middle of the night?” Raven asked both eyebrows arched. Lexa’s lack of response told her everything she needed to know. “It can be dangerous, and you know that.”

 

“I will take some gona with me, do not worry, just go back to sleep, I will be back soon.” Lexa said, leaving the room. Raven sighed and turned to look at Clarke.

 

“You know she is gonna do whatever she wants.” Clarke said, shrugging.

 

“Yes, alphas are stupid like that.”

 

“Hey!” Clarke said, bumping Raven’s shoulder with her own.

 

“Can you go with her and make sure she doesn’t end up dead, please?” Raven asked. “You know I can’t really walk much.”

 

“If you promise not to shoot her again.” Clarke said, standing up and giving Raven a look.

 

“She got in the way!”

 

………….

 

“Commander!” Clarke called, watching as Lexa and a small group of gona, including Indra mounted their horses. “I’d like to go with you.” she said and Lexa nodded, looking pointedly at the gona by her side, the man unmounted and offered the horse to Clarke, who mounted and kicked at the animal’s side until she was at Lexa’s side.

 

“Who taught you how to ride?”

 

“I did, it became a necessity while I was on my own.” Clarke responded and Lexa nodded.

 

“Bouda!” The Commander called, and the wolf instantly started running. The horses following close behind.

 

“Heda, we are moving deep into the forest, we are far from the city, it could be dangerous.” Indra said, voicing Clarke’s thoughts.

 

“You are free to turn back, general.” Lexa snapped, kicking her horse so it would go quicker. Clarke rolled her eyes at the response and followed close behind Lexa until the wolf slowed down. Lexa unmounted and walked towards her wolf, the huge animal easily reaching her middle.

 

“What is it, Patstoka?” Lexa asked as she continued walking beside her wolf, eventually they came to stop, Clarke’s heart jumped to her throat when she found the dead, mauled bodies of a grown female wolf and 2 pups. The blonde felt the waves of grief come out of the Commander as she watched the sight of the dead animals.

Bouda moved towards Lexa’s side, licking her hand and pulling at the sleeve of her coat. The Commander moved her head away from the sight and towards her wolf, the animal kept pulling until she stood up.

 

“Start digging.” The Commander told her gona.

 

“We didn’t bring anything to dig with, Heda.”

 

“Find a way, or you will be digging with your bare hands, gona.” Lexa said, and the man cowered away at the ice in her tone.

 

“There is a village near, go and bring tools back.” Indra said, two of the gona left and three, including Indra, stayed back to protect the Commander. 

 

Clarke followed after Lexa and the wolf, the animal stopped at a fallen tree, the trunk was hollow and it had a hole in the middle, small whines coming out of it. The blonde watched the Commander brighten up and get on her knees to be able to reach inside the hole, a few seconds later she was pulling a small pup out, its paws and lower body was white, while the back, sides and tail were colored in a mix of grays. Lexa scratched behind its ears until the pup was calm against her chest.

 

“Would you hold it, Clarke? I think there is another inside.” The Commander said and the blonde nodded, reaching out to take the pup from the Commander’s arms. “Try to keep it warm, they are underfed, if whatever attacked them didn’t kill them, the starvation and the cold might.” Lexa said, and Clarke nodded, bringing the pup close to her chest and curling her arms around it as Lexa moved her arms inside the tree, pulling out a completely white pup and standing up.

 

“That’s it?” Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded sadly.

 

“Yes, the other two were killed along with the mother.”

 

“Are we taking them with us?” Clarke asked and Lexa nodded.

 

“Of course, they wouldn’t survive without their mother, Bouda knew that, that’s why he came for help.” Lexa said, patting the head of her wolf gently.

 

Clarke and Lexa sat on the fallen tree as they waited for the gona to come back to dig the graves of the fallen wolf and her pups. Indra build a fire for them and moved a way to keep an eye on their surroundings. 

 

They placed the small pups on the ground and watched as they moved close to the fire, Lexa took off her coat and lay it on the ground, the pups lay there close together, curled around each other.

 

“So this is why Raven has a wolf tattooed on her arm?” Clarke said and Lexa smiled a little, letting out a low whistle that had Bouda walking towards her and lying down with his head on Lexa’s lap.

 

“Ever since Costia died, this guy has been my only family. The people of the 12 Clans belong to the Commander, but this Pakstoka belongs to Lexa, it was the only form of love I allowed myself to have, even if Titus always frowned upon it.” Lexa said, “there have always been wolves in my life, one way or another.”

 

“Maybe he wasn’t frowning at that exactly,” Clarke said, talking about Titus with distaste, “I mean, he is always frowning, I am starting to think that’s just his natural state.”

 

Lexa chuckled and Clarke just marvelled at the sound.

 

“Yes, Titus rarely sports a different expression, or any. Bouda was lucky I found him when I was already Commander, if I had found him before that Titus would have probably made me kill him.” Lexa said, keeping her hand against the wolf’s head. Clarke looked back at her with horror. “He wouldn’t have survived on his own and people do not take wolves to their homes. Titus would have made me kill him to put him out of his misery.”

 

“I’m glad that didn’t happen and I am glad you have him.” Clarke said, looking at Lexa with a small smile.

 

“Would you like to keep one for yourself?” Lexa asked and Clarke looked up at her with surprise.

 

“No, I know you want them for yourself.” Clarke said and Lexa didn’t deny.

 

“That might be the case, but I want you to have one, I’ll help you train it and it will keep you safe, like Bouda has done with me.” Lexa said, looking at the pups. “I will even let you choose.”

 

“The white one.” Clarke said at last and Lexa nodded.

 

“She is quite beautiful.” Like you, Lexa wanted to say but didn’t. 

 

“She just seems calmer.” Clarke said, watching as the grey pup chewed on the white pup’s ear.

 

“Yes, that may make the training easier.” Lexa said, just as the gona came back with shovels. “Keep an eye on the pups while I go help with the digging.”

 

Lexa and two of the gona dug the hole in silence while Indra and the rest of the gona kept watch, when they were done Lexa ignored the rotting scent of the wolf and her pups and put them inside the hole herself, taking the time to cover them on her own, not accepting the help from her gona.

“Yu gonplei ste odon.” she said over the grave, walking back to Clarke looking weary and exhausted and picking up the grey wolf. Clarke carried the white one as they made their way back to Polis.

 

Once they got there Clarke went to her room, using some of the sheets to make a nest for the pup and asking the handmaiden to bring some food for the small animal. 

 

Lexa did the same as Clarke when she got to her quarters, Bouda climbing onto her bed and waking up Raven in the process.

 

“He tends to sleep with me.” Lexa said and Raven glanced at the wolf laid out on the bottom of the bed. “I’m going to take a bath.”

 

“Why don’t you sleep? you are going to be really tired tomorrow.”

 

“Because I stink of rotting flesh and dirt.”

 

“I have smelled worse things.” Raven said and Lexa shook her head.

 

“I won’t take long.”

 

………….

 

A few hours later Raven woke up to find Lexa’s side of the bed empty, she sighed in exasperation and walked towards the bathroom, to find the Commander asleep in the bathtub, her head leaning gently against the edge.

 

For a few seconds Raven was petrified by the image, the Commander’s long hair was free of braids and fell loose in waves down the side of the tub, her eyes were softly closed, lashes brushing the top of her cheeks as soft breaths escaped past her pink pouty lips. Raven moved closer, her eyes trailing over the smooth contour of her cheeks, over her perfect nose and that sharp jawline that Raven found herself aching to touch.

 

Raven placed a hand on Lexa’s bare, wet shoulder, droplets of water slipping down the smooth skin, startled green eyes blinked up to look at her. They were wide and so deeply green, free of burdens, they were light and unwarded. They showed vulnerability and the warmth of a gentle soul.

 

And in that moment, that second forever frozen in time, Raven felt like she was looking at Lexa for the very first time. In that moment, more than anything else in the world, the mechanic wanted to kiss her, kiss Lexa.

 

“I apologize Raven, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here.” Lexa said, breaking the spell Raven had been caught in.

 

The mechanic blinked quickly and moved away from Lexa.

“It’s fine, you were tired, I’ll wait for you in bed, okay?” Raven said and Lexa nodded, sitting up. The mechanic turned away just in time to avoid seeing Lexa’s uncovered chest.

 

That night Raven lay awake thinking, she wasn’t stupid or unaware of herself or her feelings, she had wanted to kiss the Commander, had ached for it. Clarke’s voice rang loud and clear in her head, the blonde was sure she would fall for the alpha eventually, Raven had thought it impossible before, but she had come to know so much about the Commander since they had gotten married, there was so much more to her than her duty. Raven couldn’t stop thinking about how hard her life had been, how she had been taken away from her family, how she had lost her mate and her child, how she had lost her sense of worth as a person. And still, after all of that, she had brought peace to a nation.

 

Raven couldn’t be catching feelings for the Commander, she couldn’t. She was hormonal, sensitive because of her pregnancy, and she had always being sexually active, the Commander was very attractive physically, so it must have been just that, physical attraction, Raven was just crushing on her because the Commander was a beautiful woman. Yes, nothing more.

 

Still, when Lexa started tossing and turning in the middle of the night, Raven stopped herself from helping her right away. Raven knew that another nightmare would mean another layer of the Commander bare for her eyes to see and that would connect them. So she listened, she laid still as Lexa whimpered, distressed sobs wracked her body and giving away to screams.

 

Just as the wolf perched at the end of the bed moved towards the Commander, Raven rolled over and curled her arms protectively around Lexa’s body, whispering soft nothings in her ear and rubbing her back up and down, letting put comforting pheromones that hopefully would calm down the alpha.

 

The Commander unconsciously moved closer to the omega, pressing her nose against her neck in search of the comforting scent that slowly drove her demons away.

 

………..

 

The next morning when Raven woke up Lexa was already gone and a blonde boy was waiting for her, he was a nightblood called Aden and would take Clarke and her for their tour around Polis.

 

…………

 

“Have you named them yet?” Lexa asked as she watched Raven and Clarke play with their wolves in the grounds she usually used to train the nightbloods. 

 

The mechanic picked up the grey and white wolf pup and walked over to Lexa, holding it close to her face so the animal could lick the Commander’s face. The alpha gave Raven a look and the omega responded by giving her an innocent smile.

“I was thinking maybe Vulcan or Jupiter.” Raven said, looking at the pup’s face. “What do you think?”

 

“What do they mean?” Lexa asked, scratching behind the pup’s ear.

 

“Vulcan is an hypothetical planet, it’s existence hasn’t been proved, and Jupiter is the biggest planet in the solar system.” Raven said and as she talked she felt Lexa place a hand over her abdomen.

 

“How are you feeling?” Lexa asked, looking up at Raven’s face.

 

“We are naming our child and you aren’t paying attention.” Raven said and Lexa gave her a look.

 

“I trust you to name the pup on your own, I am more concerned over your health than their name.” Lexa said and Raven couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

“I’m fine, I feel great.” Raven said, warmth blooming in her chest as Lexa continued to show her worry and concern for her, she cared so much.

 

“I think it is better if you go to bed.” Lexa said. “You shouldn’t be on your feet so much.”

 

“Lexa, the baby is not adding any weight right now, I’m fine.” Raven said and Lexa gently grabbed her arm.

 

“It’s not about the baby, it’s about you, you were walking all over Polis this morning and then you were here working with the pup, I’m worried about you, your leg must be bothering you by now, I have someone in our chambers waiting to give you a massage.” Lexa said, she had noticed how Raven’s limp had been more pronounced as she walked over.

 

“You have been in meetings none stop since we got here, you were in training today and you aren’t even healed yet. I will go to bed if you come with me.” Raven said, poking Lexa’s hard abs with her fingers and watching the Commander recoil slightly at the pain, her ribs were still sensitive.

 

“Give me a few hours, I still need to talk to Titus, I have been unable to speak with him privately with how complicated things have turned out to be with the ambassadors.” Lexa said.

 

“Do you think you are going to be done with them soon? They probably need me to sort things out at the Mountain.” Raven asked, letting her chin rest on the pup’s head.

 

“I’ll wrap some loose ends tomorrow and we will probably be able to go there the day after.”

 

“That’s great.” Raven said, moving away from Lexa to walk back to the tower.

 

“Bouda!” Lexa called and the wolf turned to look at her, the Commander tilted her head on Raven’s direction and the wolf instantly followed the mechanic. Lexa watched them disappear, her mind creating images of Raven, swollen with child, when she turned back around Clarke was right in front of her, Lexa was startled and instantly took a step back.

 

“Did the Commander just get startled?” Clarke said, smirking and picking up the pup. “What do you think Pakstoka, did the big bad Heda just get startled?”

 

“Clarke,” Lexa said, her eyes getting dark, “I am sorry for putting in you in this position, I know it must be very difficult.”

 

“It is.” The blonde said, knowing there was no point in denying. “but you didn’t put me in this position, I chose to be here and I do not regret it. I think I have learned more about you by watching how you treat her than with all the time we spent together working on war plans.” 

 

Lexa averted her gaze, not knowing if Clarke was referring to good things or bad things.

 

The blonde put the pup down and reached to cup Lexa’s chin with her fingers, bringing her gaze up to meet hers.

 

“The way you care about her, about your child, it only makes me love you more.” Clarke said and a pretty blush covered Lexa’s cheek. The Commander then reached to caress Clarke’s cheek gently, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear.

 

“I care about you too, Clarke, very much.” Lexa whispered, worrying about saying something wrong as soon as she saw Clarke’s eyes water.

 

“I know.” Clarke said, reaching up to cover Lexa’s hand with her own. “Somehow that makes it all more painful.”

 

“I am sorry, Clarke, I do not know how to fix this.”

 

“No, please,” Clarke said, tears slipping down her cheeks as she cupped Lexa’s face in her hands. “Don’t feel bad, you needed to do this, you did what was required of you and I’m glad that Raven has you to care for her, who better to look after her than the Commander of the 12 Clans?”

 

“You know I have failed before.” Lexa said and Clarke shook her head.

 

“That wasn’t on you, you did all you could and you will do the same now.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded. “I will be here to help you, you aren’t alone.”

 

“Thank you, Clarke.”

  
  


…………….

“Heda, it is no secret that you have been avoiding meeting me in private.” Titus said, standing by the throne with Lexa a few steps in front of him, in the balcony. “Your behavior lately has been unacceptable, it is easy to tell that you care about the Skaikru girl and about the child. As you know, that is something that can’t be, they are pawns in our political agenda, nothing else. That is how things must be and what people must think if you want to save yourself from adding another head to the one you have already received.” He said.

 

Lexa stood by the balcony, jaw clenched tight and breathing slow and deep as she tried to keep herself in control. Titus was the Flamekeeper, he was important, maybe even more so than her as he was the protector of the spirit, she owed him respect. She reigned her alpha in and kept herself from saying something she would regret, she knew that admitting her weakness for Raven and the child would only anger him.

 

“You must feel nothing for them, if not then the best thing that can happen to you is that Queen Nia takes matters into her own hands again or that nature saves her the trouble and rids you of the child and the mother during the birth. The birth of the child, even a dead one would secure the union.” He said, his voice flat an unfeeling.

 

There were a few beats of silence in which Lexa stared at the night sky, Titus words filtering in and turning over and over inside her head. She turned around calmly.

 

“On the other hand we could take matters into our own hands, get rid of them ourselves, make sure you have no weakness.” Titus said, holding no feeling over what he was saying as he looked at Lexa right in the eye. “Don’t you agree, Heda? I can make preparations right away.”

 

Lexa saw red. In the blink of an eye she was on Titus, her pheromones bursting out of her in waves as she threw him to the ground and hit him over and over again.

 

…………..

 

Raven was feeling loose and happy, laying face down on her bed with a wolf and a wolf pup keeping her company, her massage had ended a while ago and she was just waiting for Lexa to come back so she could let herself fall asleep.

 

After a few minutes of talking to Octavia over the radio the doors opened and in came the Commander.

 

“Lexa!” Raven said, eyes wide with panic as she rushed towards the Commander. The entire left side of Lexa’s face was covered in black blood, her eye closed shut with swelling and blood, her clothes were messy and torn and her arms pulled Raven close as soon as she could reach her.

 

A cloud of protective pheromones swallowed her whole as soon as Lexa pulled her into her arms, her grip stronger and more forceful than usual.

 

“Raven,” Lexa whispered, “you are okay.” she said, one hand coming up to cup Raven’s face and the moving down under her shirt to feel her belly. “Our pup is safe.” 

 

“Yes.” Raven said, confused, not even attempting to try to pull out of the Commander’s hold.”What the hell happened to you?”

 

“I-” Lexa started, her eyes suddenly rolling to the back of her head as her body went slack, her head falling limply backwards as Raven tried to hold her up.

 

In panic Raven dragged the Commander to the bed, laying her down and being extra careful with her head. Once she was done she rushed towards the radio, calling for help, calling for Clarke.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think in the comments!


	4. Loveless

Raven was in the bathroom, helping Monty with a power failure through the radio. Clarke was sitting on the bed leaning over Lexa’s body, carefully stitching up a deep cut running above her left eyebrow. Clarke suspected, just by the look of it and the level of bruising around that Lexa had a concussion, there was bruising forming right next to her ear and down the side of her jaw too, she would surely wake up with a massive headache.

 

When Clarke pulled away, green eyes were looking at her, Clarke cupped Lexa’s face and looked into her eyes.

 

“How are you feeling?” The blonde asked and the Commander’s brows pinched a little.

 

“Hurts.”

 

“I know, the cut was deep, for all I know there could be a crack on the bone.” Clarke said.

 

“I’m fine, Clarke, what of Titus?” the Commander asked.

 

“He is alive, your healers are taking care of him.”

 

“His injuries?” Lexa asked, sitting up with a grimace. Clarke tried to push her back down, but Lexa gave her a look and so the blonde arranged the pillows so the Commander would at least be sitting comfortably.

 

“Both his shoulders were dislocated, they weren’t bad so they should heal without an issue, his face…” Clarke trailed off, reaching to take Lexa’s hand, they were both bandaged, her knuckles had had to be cleaned and covered. “His nose is broken, same as his lips, both eyes are swollen shut, his face as a whole is just completely messed up.” Clarke said and Lexa stayed completely silent.

 

“Lexa, I’ve seen you with other people, you do not have sudden outburst like this, what happened?” Clarke asked and Lexa looked away, her eyes getting lost somewhere over Clarke’s shoulder. The blonde knew that all alphas had violent tendencies, ever since presenting she had had them herself, but Lexa was always in control, defying every rule of their nature, stubbornly opposing to it, for her to suddenly beat someone up like that, it just wasn’t like her.

 

“On the contrary Clarke, today was a great show of self control on my part.” Lexa said, her eyes dead. “All I wished to do, with every fiber of my being was to rip his throat out, I wanted to snap his neck, to break all his bones, to kill him, to have my hands drenched in his blood.” Clarke listened to Lexa, trying to keep her expression controlled and not show the utter fear Lexas’s words were provoking in her. “It has been a really long time since I experienced so many feelings, I didn’t think I still had them. But no Clarke, it wasn’t an outburst, it was something I had the desire to do, that I wish I had done, I stopped myself and allowed him to live either way because I can’t afford to lose him right now.”

 

“Why?” Clarke asked and Lexa looked at her, her eyes still blank.

 

“He doesn’t have an apprentice and having a Flamekeeper is necessary, if there was someone to replace him I would have killed him.”

 

“I meant, why do you want to kill him?”

 

“I have too many reasons, Clarke, the main one being that I can no longer trust him, I do not think I ever could.” Lexa said, suddenly holding onto Clarke’s forearm tightly. “I know you don’t think I should kill everyone I do not trust, Clarke, but I need you to trust me on this, what he said, what he insinuated, I can not go past it and I won’t.” Lexa said, her pheromones wild and agitated, her apprehension blatant in the way it stung Clarke’s nose. The intensity of her gaze was like nothing Clarke had seen before and the blonde knew right then and there that Titus was dangerous, and that his impact on Lexa’s life was more than she could ever imagine.

 

“I trust you, he has been your teacher, your mentor, and he is your most important advisor, if you can no longer trust him then he is only a liability.” Clarke said and Lexa’s tense shoulders seemed to relax at her words.

 

“Thank you, Clarke, I didn’t wish to reach an impasse with you, not right now.”

 

“Do you think he could be the mole?” Clarke asked, wondering if maybe the Flamekeeper was the one orchestrating Lexa’s death.

 

“No, he serves the spirit and I have the spirit within me, I have been the only Commander to ever achieve the spirit’s purpose and provide some resemblance of peace to our people. As long as I have the spirit he will be loyal to me.” Lexa said, and Clarke frowned.

 

“But Lexa, what happens if one day he finds you unfit to command? what happens if he starts feeling that you are weak, that you are no longer worthy of the spirit?” Clarke said, and the way Lexa’s face fell didn’t bring any comfort to her already racing heart. “Do you think he would be capable of going as far as killing you to get a more worthy vessel for the spirit? one of the nightbloods, someone younger, easy to mold, easy to influence.”

 

Lexa’s silence only made the void in Clarke’s stomach widen.

 

“That day will be my end, Clarke.” Lexa said, looking resigned, “There is nothing Titus wouldn’t do for the sake of the spirit.”

 

“Then you will do what you must as soon as the apprentice is ready.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded in response. “It will cause you no trouble, right?”

 

“No, when the ambassadors ask, I will tell them what Titus did and he will be publicly executed, death by a thousand cuts.” Lexa said and Clarke looked at her, something was wrong, she could feel it.

 

“You grew up with him, he has been with you for years, it’s okay if you are unsure about this, if it pains you.” Clarke said and when Lexa looked back at her the raw pain in her eyes made Clarke’s heart fall to her feet.

 

“I am not in pain, Clarke, I just hadn’t realized how much control, how much power he had over me until today. I can’t tell what is me and what is him, his teachings, everything he beat into me.” Lexa said, and Clarke’s breath grew ragged, she hoped it was just a figure of speech.

 

“Lexa,” Clarke said, her voice calm, too calm. “Did he ever beat you?”

 

“He would hit us all, Clarke, spare the rod spoil the child, he would say. We had many disagreements and I was stubborn, he saw something in me, potential, so he was harder on me, got angrier, more disappointed when I failed at something, I don’t think he ever used the whip on anyone else.”

 

Clarke froze and the moments that followed were just a blur. 

 

Everything was loud, too loud and she was being forcefully restrained, pressed to the ground with bruising force, it took her a few second to notice that the noise was coming from her own mouth and that the force keeping her down was Lexa, her body draped over Clarke’s. She had seen them, the scars that covered the whole expanse of Lexa’s back, a clear result of flogging, the blonde had never dared to ask. She didn’t think she had ever felt such a level of anger before. He had hurt her, hurt Lexa, for years. Tears of fury and grief trailed down her temples as she tried to push Lexa off her, to get to him, to make him pay.

 

Clarke realized then that she loved Lexa far more that she could ever imagine, she would kill for her without thinking twice about it. She would kill Titus.

 

“No, you won’t.” A voice said by her ear and when Clarke opened her eyes she found herself trapped in Lexa’s hold. The Commander was pumping out dominant pheromones, willing Clarke’s own alpha to retreat, willing the blonde to submit to her. She knew well that she wouldn’t be able to beat Lexa in a battle of dominance, but she fought anyway, for as long as she could, until she entirely exhausted herself and her body gave up for her. Clarke couldn’t stop herself from slumping bonelessly in Lexa’s arms and showing her neck.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly, “forgive me.”

 

Clarke reached out with a shaky hand to cup Lexa’s bruised cheek, barely able to keep her eyes open as she looked up into Lexa’s eyes.

 

“I don’t understand why you are apologizing.”

 

“I didn’t want to do this to you.” Lexa whispered, “I found no other way to stop you.”

 

“Do you think I care about that?” Clarke said, moving her hand to the back of Lexa’s neck and pressing their foreheads together. “I can’t believe he did that to you, how could he be so cruel? you were just a child.”

 

“It is in the past.” Lexa said, and Clarke hated the way she was brushing it off. “I never wished to cause you grief like this, Clarke.” Lexa said.

 

The blonde was baffled at Lexa’s lack of care for herself and her own pain, how she made everything about everyone else and pushed herself to the side so easily. Clarke couldn’t believe it, how much did someone have to suffer to feel that worthless, that undeserving of love and care.

 

Clarke couldn’t let Lexa feel that way anymore.

 

So she kissed her.

 

She tangled her fingers in the soft hairs on the back of Lexa’s neck and pulled down, smooth, plump lips met her own, and Clarke couldn’t help but sigh in relief, tears trailing down the corner of her eyes, she had been dying to do that for so long. She parted her lips and Lexa’s tongue welcomed her with warmth, heat coiled tight in the pit of her stomach, her hand tightening on the back of Lexa’s neck to pull her impossibly closer, lips pressed together hard, moving slowly in a bruising kiss.

 

White lights were shining behind Clarke’s eyelids and she wondered for a second how long they had been kissing, but then the thought was erased as she took in how Lexa kissed her with her whole body, arms curling tight around Clarke’s middle, hands splayed over her back, caressing her gently, back and shoulders tensing in pleasure with every brush of Clarke’s lips, Clarke felt it all as she wrapped her own arms around Lexa’s shoulders, hugging her, holding her, containing every pleasure and every pain that was threatening to burst out of the Commander.

 

They pulled apart breathing heavily, the blonde laying on the floor with Lexa on top of her, the strong arms of the Commander holding her up just slightly. Clarke stared into Lexa’s eyes, pressing another softer, sweeter kiss to the Commander’s kiss swollen lips before leaning forward and holding onto the Commander’s back, pressing her face into her shoulder, locking her in a comforting embrace.

 

“Clarke,” the Commander said, her voice sounding watery, shoulders shuddering with suppressed emotion. “I-”

 

“Just allow yourself this moment, you have denied yourself everything else, just allow yourself this.” Clarke said, clutching her eyes shut, rubbing up and down Lexa’s back. “A person who loves you very much kissed you and is holding you, how does that feel?”

 

Lexa responded with a choked sob, clutching Clarke tighter to her body, her head leaning down to rest on Clarke’s own shoulder.

 

“It feels nice, it feels really nice, Clarke.”

 

Clarke tilted her head up a little to press a kiss to Lexa’s neck, trying to calm the whirlwind of emotion she was feeling as she held the Commander, after having kissed her, after knowing what Titus had done and now normal and unimportant it seemed to Lexa.

 

They laid there quietly for long minutes, Clarke prompting Lexa to let go of her so the blonde could lay completely on the floor and Lexa could rest on top of her. With time Lexa’s breathing slowed to a point where Clarke thought she was asleep, but then Lexa pushed herself off the blonde, hovering over her and leaning down to kiss her, pulling back to stare at the blonde with a tiny smile on her face.

 

“I need to tell you something.” Clarke said, brushing Lexa’s forearm with the side of her thumb. Lexa nodded for her to go on. “What he did to you was wrong, you need to know that.” Lexa looked away.

 

“I did things wrong, I failed and I misbehaved, punishment was necessary.” Lexa said and Clarke’s heart cracked just a bit further.

 

“Then why can’t you say that and look at me in the eye at the same time.” Clarke said, smelling the distress in Lexa’s scent and pressing her fingers against the Commander’s jaw to catch her gaze again. “Violence is not punishment Lexa, it is cruelty and abuse, no child deserves to be treated that way.”

 

“We were nightblood novitiates Clarke, we needed to learn, to erase all weakness.” Lexa said and Clarke frowned, Lexa’s own words echoing in her head. _I can’t tell what is me and what is him, his teachings, everything he beat into me._

 

“I think that is what Titus thinks, but I know that Lexa doesn’t agree and that she couldn’t possibly let him touch her novitiates that way.” Clarke said, hopefully, thinking about Aden, and the innocence that still remained in his eyes.

 

“Of course not, I would never let Titus hurt them, they know not to aggravate him and I have forbidden him from ever hurting them, I am weak, so I can not let them suffer, I can’t.” Lexa said, shaking her head, her bottom lip trembling with her grief.

 

“It isn’t weakness, protecting them is the right thing to do, doing to them what he did to you is inhuman, is the work of a monster. You didn’t deserve that, no one does.” Clarke said, pulling Lexa close so the alpha would lay against her chest once again. “I will keep telling you until you believe it.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Eventually, with Clarke continuously rubbing her back the Commander started to fall asleep and the blonde helped her get into bed, tucking her in and pressing a soft kiss on her forehead.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa whispered and the blonde knew just by the look in her eyes what she was about to say. 

 

“Don’t.” Clarke said, pressing her lips against Lexa’s to keep her quiet. “Don’t say it, it will make things harder for me, please.” Lexa nodded, bringing Clarke’s hand to her lips and kissing her knuckles.

 

“But you know?” Lexa asked, hopeful and Clarke smiled.

 

“Of course I know, I have known for a long time, since the Mountain, you looked dead when you turned your back on me, it took me some time to realize that you had left your heart with me that night, it ripped you apart. I think that is part of the reason why I could never hate you and at the same time it was also why I was so angry.” Clarke said, tucking a loose strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear.

 

“I need you to know, just in case…”

 

“Nothing is going to happen, we will make sure of that.” Clarke said, kissing Lexa’s forehead one more time before leaving.

 

………….

 

Clarke leaned against the door, sighing deeply and trying to hold back the urge to cry at least until she got to her own room.

 

When she opened her eyes Raven was right there in front of her and the Mechanic needed just that lock of eyes to lean in and bring Clarke close, hugging her tight.

 

“God Clarke, are you okay? I have never seen you snap like that. I am sorry I had to leave you there, both your pheromones were taking a toll on me. I am really sorry.” Raven said, keeping her arms around the alpha.

 

“It’s fine Rae, I am better now.” Clarke said, letting her frantic thoughts calm down with the comforting scent of the omega, her calming pheromones bringing a rest to her mind.

 

“What the hell happened in there?” the omega asked, pulling away from Clarke and motioning with her hand to Lexa’s closed door. The blonde grimaced slightly and rubbed her tired eyes with the back of her hand.

 

“Can we talk about it tomorrow? I really need to sleep.”

 

“Sure.” Raven said. “I am here for you, okay?” the blonde smiled at the words and nodded her head.

 

“Yes, I know, thank you.”

 

……………

 

The next day when Raven woke up she found Lexa kneeling by the bed, her eyes on the floor. The sight shocked Raven, having never seen an alpha putting themselves in that position willingly, but once again, Lexa was not just any alpha.

 

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked, taking Lexa’s arm and trying and failing to pull her into the bed. “Can you please sit down or something? seeing you kneeling like that is honestly freaking me out.”

 

Lexa didn’t move an Raven looked up at the roof exasperated.

 

“I kissed Clarke last night, I am prepared to take any kind of punishment you wish to inflict on me for my betrayal.”

 

Raven was a genius, she knew it, and everyone around her knew it, but still she needed a couple of seconds to understand exactly what Lexa had told her. Horrified, she tugged at Lexa’s arm so the Commander would get up, but she didn’t, so the mechanic ignored the pain in her leg as she kneeled beside the alpha, tilting her head down to meet Lexa’s gaze, the alpha refused.

 

“Lexa, I need you to look at me.” Raven said, and when the Commander didn’t move the mechanic couldn’t help but raise her voice. Bouda growled at her from the bed and Vulcan came running towards them, tugging at the Commander’s coat with his tiny teeth. Raven glared at Bouda and ignored the wolf as she grabbed Lexa’s chin and forced her to meet her gaze. “I need you to listen to what I am going to say because I never want to have this conversation again.” Raven said, taking a deep breath and fixing her brown gaze on Lexa’s green one. “I am not going to punish you, not now, not ever, much less for kissing Clarke, you gave me my freedom and I will do the same for you, would you punish me if I found another lover?”

 

“No-”

 

“Exactly,” Raven said, interrupting Lexa before she could come up with some bullshit that would prevent her from having the same liberties Raven had. “I am not going to punish you for kissing the woman you love, I am not mad, so can we please stop kneeling now, my leg is killing me.”

 

“But Raven, I do not want you to feel like you aren’t valued or appreciated, I don’t want you to feel like you aren’t enough, because you are, you are intelligent and carefree and your manner of speech is amusing, besides that you are fierce and strong, and have pushed past adversity with admirable resilience. You are an admirable person, you are beautiful and I don’t want you to feel like anything less than that because I am sure that every person in existence would be lucky to spend the rest of their lives with you.” Lexa said, taking Raven’s hand with her bandaged ones, looking at the mechanic with deep concern, worried at the possibility of Raven thinking less of herself.

Raven was speechless, no one, not even Finn had spoken about her with such devotion and admiration. She looked at Lexa, her green eyes honest and light, so worried about the image Raven had of herself, so willing to deny herself the possibility of being with Clarke if that meant that Raven would be okay, would be confident in herself. Warmth spread across the mechanic’s chest, her eyes stinging just slightly as she looked at the tiny frown forming between Lexa’s brows.

 

“How could I ever feel like that when you go around saying stuff like that?” Raven said, a small smile on her lips as Lexa’s cheeks tinted pink. “I won’t think you appreciate me any less if you decide to try to make things with Clarke work, you guys have history that I can’t begin to understand and I do not want to get in between of that.”

 

“It is wrong.” Lexa said, shaking her head slightly, Titus would surely punish her if he ever found out.

 

“Not by me, I don’t know what other reasons you have to be so against it, but know that you won’t be hurting me if you ever do it, okay?” Raven said, placing her hand on Lexa’s shoulder and bringing the Commander close once the alpha nodded. “Thanks for what you said, it felt really good.”

 

“Do not thank me, I only spoke the truth.” Lexa said, pulling away to look at Raven’s face and then down. “How are you feeling today?”

 

“I am good, hungry, happy your pup is not giving me morning sickness.” Raven said and Lexa instantly called Eiza, telling her to bring them breakfast.

 

“What of your leg?” Lexa asked, frowning at Raven’s grimace.

 

“Hurts, as usual.”

 

“Do you feel like the massages have been helping?” Lexa asked as she pulled herself to her feet and helped Raven onto the bed, fluffling the pillows for her and lifting her legs onto the bed.

 

“They take the edge off, yes, I quite like them, the warm baths help, too. The pain just will never go away entirely.” Raven said, watching the displeased expression on Lexa’s face.

“Don’t worry, I can take it.” the mechanic said, reaching down to pick up Vulcan and setting him on the bed next to her, the wolf pup licked her hand and instantly took to chewing her fingers.

 

“I know you can, I just wish you didn’t have to, your strength is not in doubt, Raven.” Lexa said, moving away from the bed to talk to some other handmaidens. “I will order you a warm bath and a massage, I will make sure we have plenty of the oils you like for our trip to the Mountain.” Lexa said and Raven nodded with a smile, she didn’t think anyone could be so thoughtful. She also didn’t know how Lexa could possibly know what she liked, during her stay at Polis the Commander had been swamped with work, getting to see Raven only at night and very early in the morning, somehow the Commander was keeping an eye on her and Raven couldn’t deny how nice that made her feel.

 

As Lexa spoke with the handmaidens Raven got a little lost in thought, she knew something between Clarke and Lexa would happen eventually and she wasn’t exactly upset about it, however there was this uncomfortable feeling in her stomach. She turned her head to look at the Commander who managed to look beautiful with stitches above her eyebrow and a bruised jaw, she sighed and wrapped her arms around her belly, wondering for the first time if it was really worth it to be caught in a loveless marriage for the sake of her people.

 

Her thoughts came to a stop when the Commander suddenly picked her up, smiling at Raven’s surprised yelp as the mechanic rushed to wrap her arms around her neck.

 

“What are you doing?” Raven asked, feeling the alpha’s strong arms hold her body carefully as they moved towards the bathroom.

 

“Your bath is ready.” Lexa said and indeed when they entered the bathroom they found the water in the tub steaming and letting off a delicious scent. Lexa did know which Raven liked the most.

 

“Yes, but I could have walked here on my own.”

 

“I know.” Lexa said, her lips tilting up just slightly as she set Raven down on a chair next to the tub. “You just didn’t have to. You would have had to put your brace just to walk here and then take it off, it seems like unnecessary over complication.”

 

“That’s what my body requires of me.” Raven said, a little bit of rage building in her veins.

 

“I know, but now you have a partner, I am required and pleased to make your life easier.” Lexa said, putting her hand on Raven’s shoulder. “I have to arrange some things for our departure, seems like they are having a hard time in Arkadia without you. Eiza is always close if you need anything, you can ask her to get me as well. Bouda will stay with you.” Lexa said and the wolf came inside at the sound of his name, the Commander scratched behind his ears and whispered a few things in trigedasleng before leaving. Raven was left thinking.

 

Was it really loveless? was it?

 

……………..

 

It was their first day of riding towards the mountain, the night had fallen and they had stopped for the night. Lexa stayed with Raven until the omega fell asleep, covering her with the furs gently before leaving the tent and asking her guards for an update.

 

“No threats on sight Heda, the night is calm.” The gona said and then tilted his head to the left. “Wanheda however remains restless, unable to sleep, she is with the pakstoka over there Heda, ordered us to give her space.” Lexa nodded, keeping her expression blank as she walked towards Clarke’s position.

 

The blonde had the small wolf pup standing in front of her, watching her attentively.

 

“Sit.” Clarke said, tone sharp as she delivered the order. It took a couple of seconds before the wolf realized what was being asked of her and sat down, accepting graciously the small piece of meat Clarke offered her. 

 

“Very good, Clarke.” Lexa said, watching as the blonde picked the wolf up and let her lick her face.

 

“I am going to miss being able to pick her up like this, I imagine she will be similar in size to Bouda, right?” Clarke asked as Lexa came to stand by her side, running her hand down the pup’s back.

 

“Smaller, the females tend to be smaller than the males.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded. “Have you named her yet?”

 

“I was thinking about naming her Ash, because of her eye color.” Clarke said and Lexa stared at the deep grey eyes of the wolf, they were just like Vulcan’s.

 

“Seems fitting, are you fond of it?”

 

“Yeah,” Clarke said, smiling lightly. “She is very good, training her hasn’t been difficult. How is it going with Vulcan?” Lexa let out a small snort and Clarke turned to look at her with surprise, the Commander’s cheeks were pink.

 

“I haven’t had much time to be with him and Raven only plays with him, it is going to be a slow process.” Lexa said and Clarke chuckled. “Why are you out of bed? we were riding all day you must be exhausted.”

 

“So should you Heda, but here we are.” Clarke said, setting Ash down so the pup could explore. “Sleeping has been difficult lately, even more so than after the mountain.” Clarke looked away from Lexa, unable to meet her eyes. “After the mountain I just felt like monster for killing so many people, I was ridden with guilt and I still am, still feel that way, but I knew that by pushing them out of the picture I was getting my people to safety and in a way I felt safer. But now, after watching you die… I see the same thing every night and in my dreams I am always unable to save you and every day after I wake up sweaty in fear and crying out from the agony of seeing you die again I am afraid, always afraid that someone will try to kill you again and that they will succeed.” Clarke chuckled darkly, wiping her tears away. “I guess one trauma overpowered the other.”

 

Lexa looked at Clarke, her heart tight at being the reason behind the blonde’s grief and pulled her closer, wrapping her arms securely around the blonde, letting her feel her body, letting her hear the beat of her heart and letting her take in her scent. Clarke buried her face in the soft fabric of Lexa’s coat and the fear didn’t go away. Would it ever go away?

 

“You saved my life, Clarke, and I promise you I will fight every day to live one more second if only that will take away your pain.” Lexa whispered quietly in Clarke’s ear, running her hands down her soft blonde hair and feeling her shoulders relax as buried herself closer to Lexa’s body.

 

Their embrace was only broken long moments later when they heard screaming coming from the tents.

 

…………..

 

Lexa bursted into her tent, sword ready to find Raven trashing and turning in the bed, screaming in raw agony. The alpha took a second to make sure there were no threats in the tent before dropping her sword to the ground and getting into the bed next to the omega. Lexa pumped as many protective pheromones as she could, flooding the tent and then took Raven into her arms, trapping the mechanic’s thrashing arms between their bodies and rubbing her back, whispering quietly in her ear words of comfort to try and pull her out of the nightmare.

 

With one last loud scream Raven woke herself up, panicking further at finding herself trapped and then quickly relaxing when she heard the Commander’s voice and took in her scent, she pressed her nose against the scent gland under the Commander’s throat and breathed in, allowing herself to cry for a few more minutes, her body shaking and trembling as Lexa rubbed her back and whispered comforting words, trying to keep her together.

 

“I’m sorry for waking you up.” Raven said, not even attempting to pull away from the alpha’s embrace.

 

“I was already awake, don’t worry.” Lexa said, keeping her omega close and safe.

 

“Do you ever sleep?” Raven asked, her voice hoarse from all the screaming.

 

“Not when we travel, it gets more difficult, do you want to go out again, like last time?” Lexa asked. “I wouldn’t mind hearing more about the sky.”

 

“I’d like to stay right here, why don’t you tell me something this time?” Raven said and Lexa nodded, laying down with the mechanic resting against her chest.

 

“What do you want me to tell you about?”

 

“The spirit thing.” Raven said, her panic rendering her completely awake. “Do you really believe in it?”

 

“I feel it inside of me, so yes, I do believe in it.”

“Feel it how?” Raven asked, skeptical. 

 

“I hear the voices of my predecessors, they speak to me in my sleep, if I concentrate enough through meditation I am able to talk to them. I have thoughts in my head that often contradict each other, that don’t belong to me and sometimes I get a sense of familiarity when I experience new things, it is often because it is something one of my predecessors has been through something similar.” Lexa said and with every word Raven got more and more worried.

 

“And all of this happened after the previous Commander died?” Raven asked, her scientific brain not believing in the possibility of reincarnation.

 

“No, first the Commander died, then came the Conclave, after I won I was put to sleep, when I woke up the voices were there, they have been with me ever since.” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

 

“Did you feel anything different besides the voices?” 

 

“A little pain as the wound healed.” Lexa said and Raven pushed off her chest to be able to look at her.

 

“What wound?”

 

“The scar on the back of my neck, it wasn’t there before I was put to sleep, but it was there when I woke up.” Lexa said, grunting when Raven moved away and pushed her onto her front, moving strands of brown hair away to look at the scar, she had seen it before while Lexa and her had been together but she didn’t think much about it, now that she was actually giving it some thought she noticed that the scar was different from the other’s Lexa had, this one was perfectly straight, clean, done by someone with at least some expertise, it looked like a deliberate cut, a surgical wound. 

 

Raven’s brain was going a mile per minute, with every word that Lexa said the spirit thing moved further away from religion and onto something else. Why would Titus cut Lexa up on the night of the Conclave? Lexa only started hearing voices after waking up, after receiving the so called flame, but why would she need to be cut up if the spirit was not a physical thing.

 

Unless it was.

 

Unless it had to be put inside.

 

Raven’s eyes widened as she pressed her fingers against the scar located just under Lexa’s hairline, just under her brain, she knew the cut had been deep, and that she probably wouldn’t feel anything, but she couldn’t help but wonder…

 

“I need to talk to, Clarke.” Raven said suddenly, getting off Lexa and sitting on the bed to put her brace on. Lexa instantly moved to help her.

 

“Right now?” Lexa wondered.

 

“Yes, I am sure she won’t mind.”

 

“Feels okay?” Lexa wondered, after she tightened the last strap of the brace. Raven nodded and moved to stand up, putting a hand on Lexa’s chest when she tried to follow.

 

“No, you stay, I need to talk to her in private.”

 

“I’ll only scort you there.” Lexa said and Raven gave her a look.

 

“It’s right next to us.” the mechanic said and Lexa didn’t bulge, Raven rolled her eyes and allowed Lexa to walk her there, as soon as she entered the tent she rushed to Clarke’s side, shaking her and noticing the blonde hadn’t been asleep with how fast she responded.

 

“Raven, what’s wrong?”

 

“Something is wrong with Lexa.” The mechanic said, knowing her wording had been wrong when she saw Clarke’s eyes fill with panic, having to hold the blonde down before she could leave in search of the other alpha. “Stop, she is fine, but there is something weird going on, just hear me out.” Raven said, Clarke sighed in relief and nodded.

 

“What is it?”

 

“You know the spirit thing, that they become Commander because the spirit of the previous one is passed on to them.” Raven said and Clarke nodded, laying back against her pillow.

 

“Yeah, what about it?”

 

“We both agree that it is impossible and doesn’t make any sense?” Raven asked and Clarke tilted her head to the side, thinking for a few seconds.

 

“Basically.”

 

“Well, I was talking to Lexa and she told me she could hear the voices of her predecessors speak to her, that she had their thoughts in her brain, knowledge that wasn’t there before.” Clarke reacted exactly like Raven expected her too, fear clouding her face once again.

 

“Hallucinations? it could be anything, an aneurysm, a tumor, a-” Clarke began and was cut of quickly by Raven.

 

“Exactly, I thought that maybe something was wrong with her brain, because one just doesn’t hear things, but then she said something else, that she had been put to sleep without hearing anything but her own thoughts and when she woke up there was a fresh cut on the back of her neck and suddenly she could hear voices.”

 

“Titus cut her up?”

 

“Yes, on the night of the Conclave and in such a delicate place, so close to the brain, what if this spirit, the flame, is not at all a weird ghost entity and is instead a physical thing? why else would he cut her if it wasn’t to put something inside of her?” Raven said, looking at Clarke with wide eyes.

 

“If the Flame is a thing that means that it could be taken out.” Clarke said sounding hopeful and excited. “It would mean that she doesn’t have to die to let it go.”

 

“She could be free.” Raven said, taking Clarke’s hand and holding it tight. “You need to convince her to let me get some x rays and an MRI,maybe.”

 

“I will do my best. Did you notice anything else?” Clarke asked and Raven tried to think for a couple of seconds.

 

“There was a symbol tattooed over the scar, looked like an infinity symbol to me, a broken one.”

 

“If the Flame is a thing that symbol will help us know where it came from.”

 

“Where do we look for information though?” Raven said, “Our main source of information would be Titus and we know he won’t tell us anything.”

 

“We have to try with Arkadia’s database, from what I understand  the Flame has existed all along Trigedakru’s history, it might have come from the old world, and if it does it could show up on the database.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

 

“You will have to convince her to take us to Arkadia at some point then.”

 

“Shouldn’t be too hard, you can always manipulate her with the baby.” Clarke said, shrugging and they both burst out laughing.

 

“Sure I will, Griff.”

 

………….

 

When Raven left Clarke’s tent Lexa was there waiting for her, the Commander moved closer and wrapped an arm protectively around her waist, Raven knew she would only keep getting more possessive as her pregnancy progressed. 

 

“Everything okay?”

 

“Sure, all good, I just needed to talk to her for a few minutes.” Raven said, trying to ease the tension in Lexa’s muscles by rubbing her hand over her shoulders.

 

“Is there something you need? are you hungry?” Lexa asked, placing her free hand over Raven’s abdomen.

 

“No, I’m fine, let’s just go back to our tent.”

 

……………

 

The following days were spent inside Mount Weather, the Commander was going over the inventory the Skaikru had done in her absence, her eyes locked in a specific part of it, the weaponry.

 

It was nighttime and Lexa was sitting in the control room at the Mountain with Clarke, Abby and Raven who were looking at the alpha expectantly as she went over all the weapons that still rested inside the Mountain waiting to be used.

 

“Missiles.” Lexa said at last and Clarke looked at her knowing what she would say. “Is there a way to disable them, make sure they can’t be used again?”

 

“What are you talking about? we need to keep them.” Raven said instantly, taking the words right out of Abby’s mouth.

 

“The level of destruction they cause shouldn’t even exist.” Lexa said, her tone sharp. “It also makes us a threat to the other Clans.”

 

“And that is exactly why we should keep them!” Raven roared, “I’d surely feel better, safer, if we could just blow up everybody that threatened us, instead of having you leave and get yourself killed in the frontlines!” she said, her voice sharp and loud, the scent of her distress and her anger making both Abby and Clarke shift on their feet.

 

“Either way, to disable them or activate them we need some sort of codes, we do not know where they are, so at the moment we are unable to use them.” Clarke said, breaking the intense glaring contest going on between Lexa and Raven.

 

“Do you have any ideas where those codes may be?” the Commander asked, standing up. Abby and Raven shook their heads while Clarke shrugged her shoulders.

 

“In Dante’s office maybe.”

 

“Let’s go and see then.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded leading the way towards Dante’s office, Bouda following them quietly.

 

The wolf curled in dark corner as the two women started searching the office.

 

“Do you agree? do you think we should keep the missiles?” Lexa asked after hours of finding nothing. 

 

Clarke stayed quiet for a couple of seconds, not moving her eyes away from the papers all over the president's desk.

 

“I think someone has been trying to kill you, and I doubt it is just about you, I think they must have a bigger reason, a bigger scheme to want you dead. We all know that you are the one keeping the Coalition together, that it isn’t completely stable, and that a lot of people will die if war breaks out.” Clarke said, finally looking up at Lexa. “You are Commander, the 12 Clans are under your protection, but you are Trikru first, and my people are Trikru now, if there was a way to win a war without having our soldiers, our people, involved I believe I would take it, there would be bloodshed, but not on our side.”

 

“Wars are won by gonas, Clarke, this kind of weapons are the reason why the world ended to begin with.” Lexa said and the blonde nodded, seeing her point.

 

“It is true, wars are won by warriors, but it is your job as a leader to decide how many of them will fight and die.” The blonde said, knowing by the look on the Commander’s face that she knew that already.

 

Clarke watched the Commander give a small nod, a second later her eyes widened and her hand moved to her knife, her mouth opened, maybe to warn the blonde, Clarke would never know, but just a second later she saw something, a dart, sink in Lexa’s neck. The blonde turned around, a man who had just been hiding in the shadows just outside the door came at her with a knife. Clarke saw her end in his blade.

 

But it never came. Lexa, who had been on the opposite end of the desk, jumped over it and threw herself at the blonde, sending them both crashing to the ground. Clarke’s sight went black, her ears ringing as her head made contact with the metal floor. The next thing she felt was a spray of blood on her face, she blinked, her eyes slow to open and quick to close and she saw Bouda, his teeth tight around the man’s throat, viscously ripping it apart.

 

The massive wolf then moved towards them, nudging Lexa’s shoulder with his muzzle until he had successfully moved her off Clarke’s chest. The blonde suddenly could breathe, she gasped loudly, her sight clearing, heart beating fast in panic, turning to look at the Commander when the wolf let out a loud whine, nudging Lexa’s head with his nose, the woman didn’t react.

 

Clarke’s heart went to a sudden stop.

 

She rushed to Lexa’s side, pushing her onto her back gently and leaning down to listen to her breathing and her heart beat, both stable. She then leaned back to look at Lexa, the Commander’s eyes were looking up, glazed and unfocused, unblinking.

 

“Lexa? Lexa are you okay?” Clarke called, fear gripping at her throat when the Commander didn’t respond. She saw the dart stuck in her neck and pulled it out angrily. Reaching for her radio and frantically trying to get help.

 

…………….

 

“You can’t blame her for wanting to get rid of the missiles.” Monty told Raven, he had come to help her in the control room, Abby was sitting in a chair, going over the inventory again trying to figure out if it truly was a good idea  to move Arkadia’s medical resources, it didn’t seem necessary to her.

 

“It is a stupid thing to do and you know it, Monty, with those missiles no one would dare to move against us.” Raven said.

 

“Or they would want to take them for themselves, they would, I don’t know, infiltrate the Mountain, murder us all in our sleep and take the missiles for themselves.” The guy said and Raven looked at him with an unimpressed expression.

 

“Cute.” The mechanic said and Monty shrugged his shoulders.

 

“You know there is no way to infiltrate the Mountain, they couldn’t do it in a 100 years they surely won’t do it now.”

 

“Before there was the acid fog, now there isn’t and we weakened its defenses I am sure that they would find a way eventually.” Monty said and right then Clarke’s voice came out of the radio, frantic and panicked.

 

“This is a code red, I repeat, a code red, we are under attack!” Clarke cried out and Raven’s eyes widened.

 

“Monty tell everyone to lock themselves in their rooms and give me the footage of Dante’s office.” Abby ordered and just as Clarke started talking again an image showed up on the screens.

 

“The Commander is down! The Commander is down! Send medical attention!” Clarke cried, her shoulders shaking as she hunched over the Commander’s body. “Mom, please, help me.”

 

Abby ran out of the room, Raven tried to keep up but couldn’t, dragging her leg behind her painfully as she tried to get there as fast as possible. Monty’s voice was echoing over their heads, red lights shining in the corridors as the alarms were activated.

 

When Raven made it to the office her leg was burning and Abby was talking into her radio as Clarke gently picked Lexa up. The way her limbs fell limply and her eyes stayed frozen and open made shivers run down Raven’s back, her breathing getting agitated with how the Commander looked, if Raven didn’t know better she would think she was dead.

“Octavia, I need you to get Lincoln to medical, we need his knowledge, we think the Commander has been poisoned.”

 

“Again?” the voice responded from the radio and rage burned in Raven’s veins.

 

“Fucking hell Octavia, just get Lincoln to medical or so help me god I am going to fucking kill you!” Raven shouted into the radio as she snatched it from Abby’s hand.

 

They proceeded to move as fast as they could to medical, Raven needed urgently to sit down, but her panic wouldn’t let her so she did her best and followed Clarke’s quick pace.

 

They laid Lexa down on one of the many beds, Abby instantly moved to open her coat and cut a straight line in the middle of the black shirt she was wearing under, leaving her chest only covered by her bindings. The doctor then proceeded to hook her up to machines. Raven stood at the foot of the bed, untying Lexa’s boots and taking them off, trying to make her more comfortable.

 

Lincoln burst through the door with Octavia by his side, he moved to the Commander’s side and then looked up at Abby, his eyes dark.

 

“She won’t survive this.”

 

“What do you mean?” Clarke said, her angry alpha pheromones starting to fill the room.

 

“This poison paralyses, in a few minutes she won’t be able to breathe and because of that she will die.” Lincoln said shaking his head gently.

 

“What about the antidote?” Raven asked, trying to hold on to something, anything.

 

“If the assassin didn’t have it with him, the closest location is TonDC, she doesn’t have that long.”

 

“Go get it.” Clarke snapped, and Octavia opened her mouth to retaliate. “GO!” Clarke said, her hands clenched into fists, her pheromones flaring in a way that made everyone in the room expose their necks. Lincoln and Octavia quickly left.

 

“Mom, if she is paralysed then that means that the respiratory failure may be caused by a paralyzed diaphragm, we can put her in mechanical ventilation, breathe for her while the antidote gets here.” Clarke said, her voice strong and sure, not leaving room for argument. Abby nodded, moving to set up the machine and have everything ready.

 

“Now we wait.” Clarke said, looking at Lexa’s motionless form as she started pacing by her bedside.

 

Raven let herself sink on a chair besides the bed, taking one of Lexa’s hands in her own and moving a little bit closer to whisper in her ear.

“You have to fight this, okay?” Raven said, pumping comforting and calming pheromones as she gently caressed the top of Lexa’s head with her free hand, she didn’t know if the Commander could feel it, but she hoped she did. “We are going to save you, but you have to help us, have to hold on, remember there’s only a few weeks left until we see our baby, our little robot. Just hold on, Clarke and I will be here with you the whole time, okay? you are not alone.” Raven said, keeping her hold on Lexa’s hand as she stared at the monitor beside the bed, she knew that at some point her oxygen levels would drop and she would be unable to breathe.

 

The moment came 20 minutes later, Lexa started gasping, her lungs unable to pull air inside as her oxygen levels quickly went downhill. The most scary and horrifying thing was that she wasn’t moving, her body was completely still, her eyes open, staring blankly at the roof. Raven wondered for the first time if she was conscious, if she could hear and feel everything, if she could feel herself suffocating.

 

“Respiratory failure, starting intubation.” Abby said, tilting Lexa’s head back slightly and opening her mouth. Clarke was close, standing beside Abby and passing her the tolls she needed.

 

Raven watched silently as the doctor pushed the tube down Lexa’s throat, she squeezed Lexa’s hand tighter and wondered if the Commander could feel it, if she could feel the plastic as it was shoved down her throat, if she could feel the oxygen as it was forced into her lungs and then out by the machine. Raven thoroughly hoped she didn’t, she hoped the Commander was unconscious and that she wouldn’t remember any of it when she woke up.

 

All of Raven’s hopes went crashing to the ground when she saw a tiny tear trail down the Commander’s temple.

 

“Oh god, she is conscious.” Clarke said, her hands going up to hold her own head. “I am so sorry, Lexa.”

 

“That machine is keeping you alive, okay?” Raven said gently, caressing Lexa’s forehead with her thumb. “I know that must have sucked, but you will be okay and it all will be worth it, I promise.” Another tear made it’s way down Lexa’s cheek and Raven wiped it away quickly. “You are safe with us, right Clarke?” Raven said, looking up at the blonde and motioning her to come closer, they held one of Lexa’s hands between both of theirs, looking down at the Commander.

 

“Of course, nothing is gonna happen, we are all going to be just fine.” Clarke said, giving her hand a soft squeeze before moving away and walking out of the room, she needed a moment to herself.

 

Two more hours passed before there was any change, with no sign of Lincoln coming back Raven could only stare at Lexa and hope that her heart muscles wouldn’t get paralyzed as well.

 

Her prayers were heard when she suddenly felt Lexa weakly squeeze her hand back.

 

“She squeezed my hand! Clarke!” The mechanic shouted and the blonde was by the bed in an instant, Abby just a few steps behind.

 

“The effects of the poison must be temporary, we just needed to keep her alive until the effects passed.” The doctor said, her tone relieved as she checked Lexa’s vitals. Clarke threw her head back sighing loudly, grabbing Lexa’s hand a kissing her knuckles, relieved when she felt her fingers twitch.

 

The small changes kept happening with the passing of time. Her extremities gained movement first, then a few blinks followed and Lexa was able to move her eyes to look around albeit slowly, then she was able to tilt her head and finally, finally, she gasped loudly, painfully, wheezing as she tried to breathe around the tube in her throat.

 

“Mom!” Clarke shouted and Abby was already snapping on her latex gloves.

 

“Okay, Commander, I know it is difficult, but I need you try and stay calm, okay? I do not want to hurt you.” Abby said, and Lexa gave her a shaky nod, staying as still as she could as Abby carefully pulled the tube out. The Commander instantly started coughing, her eyes getting watery and her cheeks red as she tried to breathe.

 

Raven pumped comforting pheromones to try and calm her down, she rubbed Lexa’s shoulder and along with Clarke helped her into a sitting position so the Commander could drink some water.

 

It took her a few minutes, but at the end the Commander was laying back against the pillows, head thrown back and eyes closed, enjoying how good it felt to just take a breath.

 

“What of… what of the… the assassin?” Lexa asked at last, pushing herself to her feet, stumbling and refusing everyone’s help as she straightened herself with the nearest wall.

 

“Lexa, you need to go back to bed.” Clarke said, trying to keep her pheromones and her tone in check to not aggravate the other alpha. Lexa turned to look at the blonde, her eyes on fire.

 

“I said. Where. Is. The. Assassin?” Lexa said, spitting each word and finishing off with a growl.

 

“We haven’t moved him, he is still in Dante’s office, Indra, Bellamy and Kane are there, keeping everyone away from that area.” Lexa nodded and started walking there, her legs looking like they could fail any minute. 

 

Raven moved in front of her, receiving a glare from the alpha.

 

“I know I can’t stop you, I only intend to button your coat, Abby cut your shirt.” The Mechanic said, carefully buttoning the Commander’s coat for her and then moving a little closer to whisper something only the Commander would hear. “You are shaking and you are unsteady, the poison clearly is still taking a toll on you and you need rest. I am asking you to please listen to me and go to bed.” Raven said, looking up into Lexa’s eyes, pleading with her eyes. Lexa only moved closer, possessively curling an arm around Raven’s waist, dominant pheromones were pumped out and latched onto Raven’s skin.

 

“If you had been the one helping Clarke look for those codes it is likely that you and my child would be gone now, so no, Raven, I won’t go to bed until I know exactly what is going on. I need to make sure you are safe.” Lexa said and Raven sighed, giving the Commander’s arm a gentle squeeze.

 

“Make it short, okay?” Raven asked and the Commander nodded.

 

…………

 

Once they made it they found Indra standing outside, her eyes widening slightly at the sight of her Heda before she moved away to let her in.

 

Inside it was a bloodbath, Bouda had ripped out the assassin’s throat and his face, the assassin and the floor near them was covered in blood. The wolf moved towards Lexa as soon as he saw her, whimpering loudly, his ears moving back as Lexa pressed a hand to the top of his head, caressing the soft fur there.

 

“Mochof, lukot.” The Commander whispered, her lips tilting up just slightly as she looked down at her wolf.

 

“Chancellor Abby, check the body.” The Commander ordered and Abby looked at her with confusion.

 

“I think the cause of death is apparent, Commander.”

 

“It is not the cause of death what interests me, Chancellor.” Lexa said, walking around the room and noticing for the first time that she wasn’t wearing her shoes when she felt wetness stick to her toes. “He came exactly to this room, no other, there must be a reason for that.”

 

“He could have come here for you, to kill you.” Bellamy said and Lexa shook her head.

 

“I was traveling in the woods for two days, that would have been a good time to kill me, but here, inside the mountain, filled with people, people with guns and where it is almost impossible to hide because of how bare the halls are, no, he also had no way of knowing I was going to be here. He came in unprepared, he obviously didn’t know Bouda was here, if he had he would have shot the dart to him, not me, as it would have been possible to incapacitate me in battle.” Lexa said, looking around. “He wasn’t just following me here, I am sure of that.”

 

“It is true,” Raven said. “The guy knew exactly where he was going, he even knew the blind spots of the cameras, if he hadn’t we would have seen him. Lexa has been alone walking all over the Mountain, if his mission was to kill her he would have done it then. And this isn’t just any room, this is Dante’s office.”

 

Abby relented and and reached out her hand, Lexa saw where the doctor’s eyes were and relented her knife, watching as Abby cut off his clothes. There were scars, many of them, but no tattoos and no markings, the doctor checked him all over, finding nothing in his clothes or in his body, until she looked over his left arm and found numbers.

 

“He has numbers carved in his arm.” Abby said, looking up at the people in the room. Raven moved to get a better look.

 

“Could be a code.” the mechanic said.

 

“A code to what?” Clarke asked.

 

“That’s what we must find out, check the room.” Lexa ordered and every single person in the room took action.

 

The Commander watched around as the room was torn apart, thoroughly searched and still, no findings.

 

“Maybe he was here to kill you after all.” Raven said and Lexa tilted her head to the side, running her hands over the desk, ramming her fingers against it, hearing the sound it made. Clarke and her had been hunched over the desk when the assassin attacked, she moved to the chair and sat down, resting her elbows on the desk. She sat down on the same place Dante had and felt the desk, there was something off, a place that was uneven.

 

Lexa grabbed her knife and slashed at the leather that was covering the metal desk to soften it, she pulled it back and saw the uneven part, two holes where her fingers could probably fit in, meaning that there was something under because the top could be pulled off. Lexa pulled back and looked at Raven, the mechanic moved closer, putting her fingers in the holes and pulling until the top came off and a screen surfaced.

 

Raven gasped, her eyes wide as she looked up at everyone in the room.

 

“It’s a self destruct mechanism.” the mechanic said, her words laced with shock. “They wanted to blow us up, destroy the mountain with us inside.”

 

“How did they get in here?”

 

“How did they get the code?”

 

“Who was it?”

 

Everyone started talking at once, asking questions, pheromones flaring and flooding the room.

 

“Empleni!” Lexa called, a blast of her pheromones making everyone shut up and expose their necks. The Commander walked towards the body, pushing at the man’s shoulder with her foot, his almost decapitated head lolling to the side and exposing the white paint covering his face. “I know exactly who it was.” There were no markings and no tattoos but the color of the paint was enough of a give away. “Azgeda.”

 

………….

 

Raven entered the room with hesitance, it was dark, only the faint light coming from the bathroom allowed her to see Lexa, sitting on the bed, staring at the metal wall in front of her.

 

“We could tell the gona to prepare a tent for us outside.” Raven offered quietly.

 

“We are not safe in a tent either, it seems like I can’t keep you safe anywhere.” Lexa said, her voice flat. “Not in Polis, not here, not anywhere.” The alpha said and Raven had never seen her so defeated. The fact that the alpha felt that way about her supposed inability to keep Raven safe and not for her almost death baffled Raven to no end. Raven wondered if Lexa was able to care for herself at all.

 

The omega moved to the bed, sitting next to Lexa, there was an uncontrollable shaking in her hands that hadn’t gone away since she had been poisoned. Raven watched the long, tan fingers trembling, knowing that Lexa’s hand were usually so strong and steady, and a worried frown formed between her brows.

 

“You are the one who is continuously near death, Lexa, it is getting quite annoying.” Raven said, bumping her shoulder against the Commander’s to try and lighten the mood.

 

“Someone almost blows you and our child up, Raven, there is no way I could have saved you from that, you both would have just died.”

 

“But you did, you stopped that guy from getting to the panel and inserting the code, you and Bouda, you saved us.” Raven said looking at Lexa’s profile, the Commander refused to turn to look at her and said nothing.

 

“This is not going to stop.” Lexa said, “You could have stopped this and you didn’t.”

 

“Me?” Raven said, confused, and Lexa turned to look at her, eyes blazing in fury.

 

“You could have rejected the union, you could have been safe, but you didn’t and now you are in danger every second of every day.”

 

“Lexa, I knew perfectly well what I was getting into and I do not regret it, I do not regret marrying you or our child.”

“You should.” Lexa snapped, looking away again, clenching her hands into fists to try and stop the shaking.

 

“You are doing everything you can.” Raven said.

 

“It isn’t enough, it’s never enough.” Lexa said, her voice quiet and ashamed. Raven put her fingers under her chin and tilted Lexa’s head to the side so their eyes met.

 

“To me it is more than enough.” Raven said, her fingers caressing Lexa’s jaw just slightly.

 

Lexa didn’t say anything and Raven knew then that the alpha hadn’t believed a word she had said. 

 

“I have to go back to Polis to deal with the Ice Queen, I understand if you prefer to stay here with your people, the traveling is not good for your health or the child’s. It is best if you stay, I will come back when I can.” Lexa said, her voice flat. Raven could almost see the massive weight on her shoulders crushing her bones.

 

“No, I will go with you.” Raven said, taking Lexa’s hand and running her thumb over the simple wedding band on Lexa’s finger. “My place is by your side now. Our place.” She said a moment after, placing Lexa’s hand into her abdomen. The Commander just nodded slightly, her eyes looking at Raven with awe, the mechanic’s words had moved her.

 

“Besides, maybe I’ll find a way to shove a bomb up the Ice Queen’s ass, watch her go boom.” Raven said with a smirk, wiggling her eyebrows, watching her words dawn on Lexa. 

 

The Mechanic watched with amazement as the Commander’s eyes widened, her lips pulling up on both sides as her teeth showed, mouth opening as a laugh fell through. It wasn’t too loud, it was nice and melodic, sweet, and as Lexa’s eyes closed in laughter Raven watched, her chest filling with warmth in a way she had never experienced before. Lexa continued to laugh, small tears falling down her red cheeks until she managed to calm down. When she opened her eyes Raven was looking back her, beaming.

 

“And I thought you couldn’t possibly get any more beautiful.” Raven said and the Commander blushed. “Let’s go to sleep, Giggles.” Raven said, teasing as she pulled Lexa into bed with her. 

 

With everything that had happened during the day Raven was not surprised when Lexa pulled her tight against her chest, a possessive hand pressed against Raven’s belly. The Mechanic then felt the Commander’s warm breath against the back of her neck.

 

“I am the Commander, Raven, I was not giggling.”

 

“Sure you weren’t.” Raven said teasing, feeling as Lexa pulled the sheets over their bodies.

 

“Mochof, Raven, I feel much lighter now.” The alpha said and Raven smiled, putting her hand over the one Lexa had on her belly and tangling their fingers.

 

“You are welcome. Sleep, I know you are exhausted.” Raven said, feeling Lexa nod against her neck.

 

The Mechanic fell asleep with Lexa’s warm body pressed against her back, the image of the alpha laughing in her head.

 

Was it really loveless? was it?

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	5. Let us have each other

Raven woke up feeling deliciously warm and content, the scent of alpha thick in her nose. She opened her eyes and was able to see because of the light coming from the bathroom, they had never turned it off. At some point during the night Lexa had ended up with her head resting over Raven’s chest, the front of her body pressed to the Mechanic’s side, her arm curled protectively around the omega’s belly. Raven unconsciously smiled a little, her hand gently rubbing up and down Lexa’s back. The best thing about not being in Polis was that no one would come to wake Lexa up, so Raven intended to let the alpha sleep as long as she wanted.

Raven was running her fingertips over the thick scar on the back of Lexa’s neck when the Commander let out a sigh, pushing her nose against Raven’s neck and tightening her arms around her.

“How are you feeling?” The Mechanic asked quietly and Lexa merely ran her fingers over her belly.

“Do you think it is possible for Abby to show us the pup before the 10 weeks?” Lexa asked. “An entire moon cycle and a day has past since conception day.”

“That assuming that you got me pregnant on the first try.” Raven said. “You can’t be sure about that.”

“No, but I have a feeling, I have told you Raven, the seed of a Nightblood is strong, you were in heat and I was in rut. There is no reason for it not to catch on the first try, there is also the fact that you took my knot many times in one night. I am sure our child was conceived that night, I feel it.” Lexa said, and Raven arched her eyebrows.

“Cocky much?”

“No, just honest, that’s simply how things happened.” Lexa said and Raven sighed, relenting, she knew exactly what had happened in the cabin, it had been surprising, not many alphas could knot twice in one night, much less more than that, it was taxing for their bodies, left them exhausted and in need of rest before doing it again. Lexa had not needed such a thing, or at least she hadn’t expressed so.

“Maybe it is the pure alpha thing.” Raven said, thinking out loud, knowing she had made a mistake when Lexa pushed herself up on her elbows to look down at her.

“What do you mean?” Lexa said, and Raven cursed under her breath.

“It is unusual for alphas to form a knot more than 2 times in one night, and you did it with not a problem.”

“I was in rut.”

“We had alphas on the ark, Lexa, they don’t knot more than twice, for them to do it more than once was rare too, they would knot an omega, stay tied during a couple of hours and then sleep, recharge, at least a couple of hours needed to pass before they were able to do it again, you didn’t seem to need it.” Raven said, smirking a little and watching Lexa blush.

“I imagine there is no need for training in space, your people are weaker than us, even your alphas, your omegas are low in weight too, poorly taken care of, when they should be first priority. Maybe that is why your alphas were unable to perform as we do, poor physical state.” Lexa said, getting confused when Raven looked at her with a frown.

“You think Omegas should be first priority?” the Mechanic asked, and Lexa tilted her head to the side, even more confused than before.

“Of course, Raven, Omegas are the base of our society, they bring calm and comfort, they are more fertile than alphas and betas, they bring life. They are excellent leaders, looking for peaceful solutions instead of wars which is what alphas do. Their nurturing nature keeps a community together, which is why most of the town chiefs are Omegas or Betas, Alphas are too volatile. Isn’t this how it worked in space, too?” Lexa asked, frowning deeply when Raven started to laugh.

“No, never, we always got the lower end of the stick up in space, less food, less opportunities. They saw our heats as weakness, it was hard for us to get good jobs because no one wanted a person that every three months would go into a sex rampage. Omegas are also the only ones that could carry more than one child at once, they had to keep our population low for our resources to last, so omegas became a problem in that sense. They would terminate the pregnancy early when they saw that it would be more than one child. They thought that making suppressants for us was also a waste of resources so they would only make them for Alphas, to control their ruts, make sure our leaders would always be clear minded. It was a pretty shitty life for us up there, I mean, it was always the same so it was normal, I suppose, but it sucked some times too, I only made it into the mechanics program because Sinclair liked me, otherwise I don’t think I would have made it in that field.” Raven said in a nonchalant tone, not noticing Lexa’s rage until it was too late.

The alpha was basically jumping out of the bed when Raven scrambled to catch a fistful of her shirt and pull her back.

“Lexa wait, what are you doing?” Raven said, pulling Lexa by her shirt, the Commander was gripping the door so hard her knuckles had turned white.

“I pretend to grab Kane’s head and smash it against one of this shiny metal walls until they are red. Now, let me go Raven.” Lexa said, breathing heavily, her whole body shaking with rage. Raven made it awkwardly off the bed without letting go of Lexa’s shirt and grabbed her arm, standing directly in front of her and the door.

“It’s not Kane’s fault, things have always being that way, he didn’t make the rules.”  
“No, but he had the power to change them and he didn’t, he allowed his people to be mistreated.” Lexa said, spitting her words out with anger. “He allowed you to be mistreated, I will not stand by it.” Lexa said, moving towards the door again, but Raven didn’t move away and so she ended up trapped, her back flat against the door, and her chest completely pressed against Lexa’s. The alpha smelled of fury and destruction, a vein pulsing hard and fast in her neck, her jaw grinded shut as her green eyes stared down at Raven.

“Hey, wait, you can just talk to him, no need to smash his head anywhere, okay?” Raven said, knowing that she was getting into a very dangerous situation, Lexa only seemed to be getting angrier, if the way her fists were clenched tightly shut was any indication, red crawling up her neck.

“No. I understand why you are so skinny now, why all your omegas are, he allowed you to be underfed. He will be removed from his position of power when I remove his head from his shoulders.” Lexa said, grabbing at Raven’s hips to move her away from the door. The omega panicked and did the only think she could think of, she grabbed onto Lexa’s shoulders and kissed her.

The alpha growled from deep in her throat, her hands tightening on Raven’s hips, the sound only made heat pool in the omega’s gut as she buried her hands in Lexa’s hair and continued to move her lips against hers.

“Touch me Lexa,” Raven whispered, her voice low with arousal as she grabbed fistfuls of Lexa’s shirt and pulled hard, ripping it off and leaving the alpha’s chest bare for her to touch, her fingers running down the valley between her breasts and ghosting over her hard abdominal muscles. “I need you to touch me, now.” Raven said, sinking her teeth on Lexa’s bottom lip and pulling it, the alpha growled again, lips curled into a snarl as she picked Raven up and threw her over the bed. The Mechanic snatched her shirt off, grabbing onto the alpha’s arms next and pulling her towards her. Lexa’s mouth landed on one of her nipples, attacking it relentlessly with her teeth and tongue, sucking at it harshly until she had Raven moaning and squirming, the omega placed her hands on Lexa’s shoulders, pushing her down.

The alpha got the message, leaving bite marks all over Raven’s abdomen until she got to the omega’s underwear. Lexa looked up at Raven from between her legs, her fingers pressing against the wet spot on the cloth covering the omega’s intimate parts. Raven whimpered, watching as Lexa lowered her head and sucked on her clit over the fabric, the omega clutched her eyes closed, so awfully close because of Lexa’s show of strength, because of her dominance and her fury, because of the way she was looking down at her, like she was prey, like she was about to be taken.

Lexa ripped off her underwear, pushing her legs apart and staring into Raven’s eyes one last time before moving her head down, before running the flat of her tongue over the wetness pouring out Raven’s entrance, over her clit, doing things that made the omega’s toes curl, her back arch, her insides clench in pleasure. Raven came awfully fast, and she didn’t have time to be ashamed of it, because moments later the alpha was on her again, this time with both her fingers and her tongue.

The omega came to know those two were a deadly combination.

………….

Lexa’s voice made it inside Raven’s head slowly, she felt like she was underwater and everything sounded very distorted. She wasn’t sure if her eyes were open or not, she couldn’t really see anything, but she could feel, she could feel everything. If Raven could compare how she felt with anything, she would say she felt like she was laying down on a cloud, her head high high up, her body loose, unburdened, free. She wondered for a second if it was possible for someone to die during sex, because she was surely in heaven, her body trembling slightly, sweat cooling on her skin, her breath coming out in short pants as her center pulsed, sore with over stimulation. Maybe Lexa had fucked her head off.

When Raven opened her eyes completely a very concerned alpha was looking down at her.

“Raven, I need you to say something.”

“What?” the omega asked dumbly, looking at the alpha hovering above her, all the rage, the fury, gone.

“How are you feeling? You came and then you went completely still, you were unresponsive for a few seconds, I should go for the healer.” Lexa said, trying to move away when Raven grabbed her arm and pulled her back.

“The last thing I want is for Abby to know how thoroughly you fucked me, Lexa.” Raven said, tucking a loose strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s tiny ear. “You didn’t even let me touch you.” Raven said, Lexa had been even harsher than she had been during her rut, she had lost control, lost her grip on her anger.

“I apologize Raven, I promised I would never ask this of you, I am afraid I have broken that promise.”

“Oh please, don’t apologize for that, I feel amazing. You needed to fuck all that anger out of your system before you ended up killing someone. Please, do come and fuck me just like that whenever you feel like it, I enjoyed it.” Raven said with a smirk, feeling strangely warm in the chest when Lexa blushed.

“I will remove your leaders from power if they refuse to change their laws regarding omegas.” Lexa said, moving to lay on her side besides Raven. “I won’t allow for those atrocities to continue.”

“I am sure you can handle it peacefully, and if you can’t I beg you to, I don’t want you killing anyone of my people.”   
“I will try my best.” Lexa said, looking at Raven with concern. “I would still be more comfortable if you got checked by the healer, has this happened before?”

“Me blacking out after earth shattering sex?” Raven asked with a smirk, shaking her head from side to side. “No, not really, I haven’t being that thoroughly pleased before though, I have never reached climax so often in a short period of time, that besides the fact that I haven’t been sleeping well and that I didn’t eat much yesterday… I don’t know, I belive I might be running low on sugar, I’m sure I’ll be fine after I eat.” the omega said and Lexa frowned.

“Why did you not eat properly yesterday?”

“Well I was kind of busy, my mate was sort of dying, again, you know?” Raven said, both eyebrows arched, but the frown remained and deepend on Lexa’s face.

“That is not important Raven, you must keep yourself healthy.” Lexa said and Raven glared at her.

“I am just going to pretend you didn’t say anything, okay? because I just heard something that sounded like bullshit.” Raven said, closing her eyes, Lexa was totally ruining her post coital bliss.

“Raven.” Lexa said after a couple of minutes of silence.

“What?”

“You didn’t tell me what does pure alpha mean.” Lexa said and the mechanic opened her eyes to look at her.

“You know we were talking about your fantastic endurance, you said you thought it was because grounders just had more physical training that the sky people, and that allowed them to resist the exhaustion that came after forming a knot and be able to do it again.” Raven said and Lexa nodded. “I do not think that is the case, I do not know many grounders but my friend Octavia is mated to one, to Lincoln, he is big, strong, has all the training most grounders do and still, he takes a while to sleep after he has knotted her before he is able to do it again. I believe you are specially strong because you are a pure alpha, which means both your parents were alphas, might have been the union of two female alphas, one could have been in rut while the other simply helped her through it, maybe an alpha male and an alpha female. However it happened we know for a fact that you are a pure blooded alpha and that makes you different, more powerful than mosts. It shows in everything you have accomplished and well…” Raven said, smiling a little, “it shows in bed, too.”

“And how could you possibly know who my birth parents were?” Lexa said, her face looking expressionless.

“Abby took a sample of your blood while she treated you back in Arkadia, you have a distinctive DNA that could have only resulted from and Alpha/Alpha union. We know those well because they were forbidden in the ark, a pure blooded alpha was a threat towards the chain of command, could have just taken over the leadership by making all other alphas submit, could cause accidents and endanger people with their strength and their over aggressive nature. We also couldn’t create suppressants that worked well on them, they either not worked at all, or made them sick, not really getting rid of all the rut symptoms.” Raven said, watching as Lexa’s eyes shined in recognition with her last words. “You have had problems with suppressants too?” The Commander nodded.

“They unsettle my stomach, make me dizzy and nauseous, sometimes they give me fevers, but paired with my training they are enough to keep me in control during my ruts.”

“So you do take them?” Raven said, watching the alpha nod again.

“Yes Raven, I hadn’t shared my bed with anyone, not after Costia, until you.” Lexa said and Raven felt warmth bloom in her chest again as the alpha looked down at her.

“You don’t forbid unions between alphas then?” Raven said, trying to keep herself from thinking about what she was feeling.

“No, people may do as they please with their romantic lives, it is no one’s concern. Unions between alphas are uncommon, but not unheard of, and as far as I know no female alpha has ever survived the birth of a child, our bodies are just not as fitting to carry children as the body of an omega.” Lexa said.

“Well, you exist.” Raven said, shrugging her shoulders a little.

“That only means I made it through the birth, doesn’t mean my mother lived after pushing me out.”

“True.” Raven said. “Abby may be able to change all of that, make sure no child is left without their parents, make sure parents are not left without their children.”

“I really do hope so.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, pulling the alpha closer so she would rest on her chest before talking again.

“I am surprised you are not rushing us back to Polis.”

“It will take some time for my riders to reach Azgeda and take the Queen to Polis, it would be pointless to rush when there is no need to do so, we are closer so we will get there earlier and I am still unsure about the traveling arrangements.”

“What about them?”

“I still do not want you to come with me.” Lexa said and Raven glared at her.

“That doesn’t seem unsure at all.”

“I have been speaking to Abby…”

“for the love of god…”

“... she talked to me about the dangers of the first trimester, that the chances of miscarriage are higher and that you should be resting, not straining yourself, it is for the safety of the baby.” Lexa said and the mechanic rolled her eyes. “You are only a few days into your second month of pregnancy Raven, I’d feel better if your fisa was close in case you needed her, that won’t be the case if you are in Polis with me and I won’t be able to help you if something goes wrong with the baby.”

“Clarke will do something, she always does.”

“I doubt this is something she would be able to handle with our lack of equipment.”

“You are not going to face the Ice Queen on your own and that isn’t up for discussion.” Raven said, putting an end to it by curling onto her side and facing away from Lexa. The alpha sighed and pressed her naked front against Raven’s bare back, holding her close, but keeping her grip loose in case her touch was unwelcomed and the omega decided to move away. She didn’t.

“I am just asking you to consider it, for our child.”

“Looks like you are using the baby for manipulation now, too.” Raven said, her tone angry.

“If that will make you see reason, then yes, that is what I am doing. I only want to keep you safe.” Lexa said, pressing her forehead gently to the back of Raven’s neck.

“You don’t want me anywhere near the Ice Queen, do you?” Raven said, knowing that Lexa’s doubts weren’t just placed on her health, or the child’s.

“No, I do not want you near her, but still, my main reason to want you to stay is Abby and that she will be staying here with all the equipment that could save our child if things went wrong.” Lexa said.

“You love Clarke, and still you are letting her go with you.” Raven said plainly, merely stating a fact. “You don’t feel the same for me and still I am the one who has to stay hiding in this Mountain.”

“You know Clarke will do whatever she wants, you know that her position as Ambassador will require her presence in Polis, I wouldn’t be able to ask her to stay here even if I wanted to.” Lexa said and Raven closed her eyes knowing the alpha was right. A moment later Lexa was tightening her arms around her, whispering quietly against Raven’s neck. “You are mistaken if you think I do not care about you.”

“You only care because I am your bomb maker and baby carrier.” Raven said with a huff, feeling Lexa pull away and place a hand on her shoulder, rolling the omega onto her back to be able to look down at her. If Raven didn’t know better she would say the Commander looked deeply saddened.

“That might have been true in the past, weeks ago when we both were forced into an Union we didn’t want for the sake of our people, but since then we have lived together, spent most nights and days with each other and I have grown to care about you as a person, as just Raven. Your safety is of great importance to me, just because of who you are as a person.” Lexa said, moving her hand down to caress Raven’s cheek. “I appreciate your intelligence, I think it is a valuable asset, but I’m most fond of the way you talk, how funny you are, how inappropriate at times, how you are outspoken and free, how you just don’t hold back anything and always say what you feel and think. You are also thoughtful and caring and there is this amazing thing I feel when you smile, and you do it so often, over such little things…” Lexa trailed off, worrying when she saw Raven’s eyes water. “I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Raven said, moving her hand to the back of Lexa’s neck, caressing gently the back of her neck to ease her worries. “People cry when they feel nice, too.” Lexa’s face just went completely confused them.

“Is that so?” Lexa said, contemplative, and Raven nodded.

“Yes people tend to cry when they are really happy, or moved, you wouldn’t know, being a Robot and all.” Raven said, teasing, and the comment made Lexa smile, that tiny smile of hers. “Do not worry Lexa, one day I am going to make you laugh so hard you will pee your pants.” Raven said and Lexa arched her eyebrows.

“Crying and now peeing?” Lexa said, looking unsure.

“You will have to wait and see.”

…………………..

“There is something I need to talk to you about.” Clarke said as she entered the mountain’s library, filled to the brim with books in perfect condition. Lexa was sitting in an armchair reading. Clarke had heard there would be a meeting with the Council later, but she still wasn’t sure about the subject they would discuss.

Lexa looked up at her and Clare tried to forget the dark bruises that had littered Raven’s neck and collarbones. She had seen them when she had gone to the control room to find the omega working with Monty, both of them fighting hard to find a way to disable the self destruct mechanism.  
“What is it, Clarke?” Lexa said, putting her book away and looking up at Clarke.

“Raven told me about the Flame, the voices you hear.” Clarke started, sitting down close to Lexa on another armchair and keeping her voice down. Raven’s scent was latched onto Lexa’s skin and Clarke didn’t have it in her to feel jealous or mad about it, she knew something like that would happen eventually, it was for the best. “We both were worried you might have an aneurism or a brain tumor, or something life threatening that would give you hallucinations as a symptom, but after knowing that Titus cut you up and the voices started suddenly the moment after you took the Flame makes us think he must have put something inside of you.”

“He gave the Spirit of the Commander, that is were the voices come from.” Lexa said, an underlying layer of anger clouding her tone.

“We just want to make some tests, to make sure your brain is okay and that you won’t just suddenly drop dead from a burst aneurysm, that’s all, we just want to make sure you are safe.” Clarke said, knowing that Lexa wouldn’t agree to anything if she kept implying that the Flame was something other than the spirit of the Commander.

“So this tests would only serve to calm your mind?” Lexa asked, her eyes softening.

“Yes, you have been on the edge of dying many times now, I just want to make sure those voices are just the Flame and not something that could kill you, and if it is my mother could probably fix it. It is just a precaution.” Clarke ensured and Lexa nodded.

“If this is something you need to have some peace I won’t deny, Clarke.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded with a small smile.

“Thank you.” Clarke said, grabbing her radio to arrange an appointment with her mother and letting Lexa go back to her book.

An hour of silence passed when Lexa started talking, not moving her eyes away from the book.

“Speak your mind, Clarke. If there is something bothering you I would like to know.”

“I guess it is just dawning on me that we can’t be together.” the blonde said, “I was resigned before, or in denial, I don’t know, I just feel like we make so much sense, we understand each other so well. I am incapable of seeing myself finding someone who will understand me the way you do.” 

“Raven knows I care for you, and after I told her we kissed she said that she will give me the same freedom I give her and that I would be allowed to be with you if I decided to.” Lexa said and Clarke’s eyes widened a little in surprise.

“You told her we kissed?”  
“Of course, I would not lie about something as delicate as that.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

“You do not seem like the type of person to have a relationship outside the marriage, I just know you wouldn't be okay with that. And I am not okay with being the woman on the side, I deserve better than that and it would be humiliating.” Clarke said, making a pause to look straight into Lexa’s eyes. “Even more so when I see that you are falling in love with her.” 

Lexa looked right back at Clarke, not saying anything.

“Do not even deny it, I am not stupid Lexa and it is painfully evident.”

“I was not going to deny it, I have no reason to.”

“Of course not,” Clarke said, tears quickly pouring down her cheeks, “You are falling in love with the person you were forced to marry, it is quite ideal.”

“That was not what I meant, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly, kneeling before Clarke and cupping her face in her hands, her heart aching with the blonde’s pain. “I have no reason to deny my growing feelings for Raven because they have not made my heart ache any less for you.” Lexa said, moving her hands away from Clarke’s face only to hold her hands, “I have tried to stop loving you many times Clarke, I tried when we were making war together, I tried after the Mountain, I tried when I realized I would have to marry something else. Mostly, I tried when I realized that my care for Raven kept evolving into something else, not related to the child. It has not worked Clarke, not then, not now. You are rooted here.” Lexa said, placing Clarke’s hand over her chest. “And here.” she continued, pressing her forehead to the back of Clarke’s hand. “I have only managed to not act on my feelings, but I haven’t been able to get them to go away, because they are true and they are real, and they are so strong, Clarke.”

“But you are married to Raven, it is an union that you can’t break and even if you could I don’t think you’d want to. How could you even think about being with me? I will not be the woman on the side Lexa, I just won’t.” Clarke said, pulling her hands out of Lexa’s grasp and moving away.

“I would never suggest something like that, Clarke. If you accepted to be with me I’d give you the same status as Raven, you would be my wife, too. Houmon kom Heda.”

“Is that even possible?” Clarke asked and Lexa frowned in confusion.

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“I don’t know, in the ark most people just had one partner.”

“Here people may do as they please with their romantic life. And I am Commander, people have no say in my decisions.” Lexa said, Clarke only got more angry.  
“You said you weren’t allowed to have a partner, the only reason why you were allowed to marry and have a child with Raven is because it was convenient for the Coalition.” Clarke said, her shouts echoing in the wide space of the library. “How do I fit into that? What if the Ambassadors decide to kill you for your weakness?”

“The Ambassadors didn’t make that rule, the Flamekeeper did, I do not know if it was Titus, or some other protector of the Flame before him, but he is the one that put that idea in my head, that made me feel guilty about feeling at all, about loving Costia. And he surely can’t have me executed for it, only a unanimous vote from the Ambassadors can remove me from power and now that you are part of Trikru I have at least one vote in favor, and that is enough.” Lexa said, not daring to move closer to Clarke, her distress clear in her scent.

Clarke breathed in deeply, feeling torn and conflicted. She looked away from Lexa and rubbed her hands against her face.

“What about Raven?”

“She gave me the freedom to act on my feelings for you.”

“Not that, Lexa.” Said Clarke exasperated. “What will happen if she starts caring for you the same way? what if she starts loving you?” Clarke said, her shoulders low in dejection.

“Then the decision is no longer in my hands, Clarke.” Lexa said, “You know I could not reject Raven even if I wanted to. You’d be the one to decide if you would still want to be with me, and I understand if you don’t as I see this kind of relationship is unusual among your people. If you feel like me not being solely yours would be a problem then and only then a relationship between us would be impossible. Just know that I am willing to be with you, I am willing to give you what you deserve, a place by my side. More than anything else Clarke…” Lexa said, moving closer to Clarke and turning her around so they could look at each other. “You have to know that I-”

“Do not say it.” Clarke said, closing her eye shut.

“I will say it, and I want you to look at me as I do so.” Lexa said forcefully, gently cupping Clarke’s cheeks and wiping away the tears that fell on her thumbs. “Open your eyes, Clarke.” and the blonde had no choice but to do as she was told. Blue eyes met green and Clarke had never felt her heart beat so fast. She knew exactly what Lexa was going to say. “I love you.”

“Lexa-”

“Ai hod yu in.” Lexa said strongly, not letting Clarke interrupt her. “My growing feelings for Raven are not making what I feel for you disappear, I just love you more everyday and I think of you every second, every minute. And I want to give us a chance to work even if it kills me, I do not care, Clarke. I wish to do what you told me to do.” Lexa said and Clarke was thrown back to the kiss they had shared in Polis not too long ago.  
“Let yourself have this.” Clarke said quietly and Lexa nodded.

“I say the same to you now, Clarke. Let yourself have this, let us have each other. You don’t have to give up on me, on us, we can still be together, if you let us, know that I am willing to try, know that I want to try.” Lexa said, her eyes loving and honest as they stared into Clarke’s own. “You don’t have to decide right away, you can even say no, I will always love you and I will always be waiting for you, okay?” Lexa said and Clarke nodded, a sob bursting out of her mouth as she buried her face in Lexa’s shoulder and let the other alpha hug her tight.

They ended up cuddled up in one of the armchairs, with Clarke sitting on the Commander’s lap, faces close as they shared a soft embrace. Hours passed and none of them moved, none of them said anything, they just took the time to enjoy that rare moment of peace.

“I don’t know if I can do this, Lexa.” Clarke said, tears flowing again.

“That’s okay, you have time to think about it, either way I am always yours.” Lexa said, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head. Clarke was about to say something else when her mother’s voice came from the radio, she was ready for Lexa.

………..

Raven, Abby and Clarke stared at the screen in front of them, Lexa’s brain on show. 

“I have no idea what I am looking at.” the Mechanic said at last, giving herself a headache trying to understand the images.

“Mom?” Clarke said, turning her face to look at her mother’s profile, Abby was staring at the images with a frown on her face. The doctor quickly tapped the screen until an Image showed in the middle, she quickly continued tapping until more images showed up, all of them from the same part of the brain from different sides and angles. 

“Is that thing supposed to be there?” Raven said, not really knowing what she was looking at, but there was something very small attached to Lexa’s brain stem, it showed clearly in the scans.

“No.” Clarke said, breathless as she looked at the screen. “Mom, what the hell is that?”

“I don’t know, doesn’t look like an aneurysm and a tumor in this location is very unlikely. From what you told me Lexa has been hearing voices for 7 years now, if it was a tumor it would have grown by now, or at least she would have developed other symptoms, an aneurysm would have killed her. It must be something else.” Abby said, not moving her eyes away from the screen.

“She has a scar on the back of her neck, so that thing must have been put inside of her.” Clarke said. “She believes the voices come from the spirit, so whatever we are looking at, that is the Flame, Lexa’s status as leader comes from that thing.”

“An implant?” Abby wondered out loud and the blonde nodded.

“A cybernetic implant.” Raven added turning to give a look to both Clarke and Abby. “She hears voices, the past Commander’s talk to her, guide her, give her advice, so that thing must store information, inside of it there must be a copy of the past Commander’s consciousness and Lexa said that when she meditates she is able to hold conversations with them, see them, they show her things in her sleep, so her consciousness interacts with theirs. It is fantastic.”

“And it prevents failure.” Abby said, nodding in contemplation. “She knows her predecessors mistakes, knows the possible outcomes to certain situations, that pushes her to find some other way.”

“How do we know what is her and what is the implant?” Clarke said, “for all we know that thing could be controlling her.”

“I doubt it, Lexa has already done things that the previous Commanders would have disapproved of, assuming that their train of thought was similar to Titus. Not seeking revenge on the Ice Nation for Costia, not seeking revenge on us for the death of her army, for the bridge and the villages we burnt with the flares. Not wiping us out when we are so similar to the Mountain men, we all know from Lincoln how things would have been like if Lexa hadn’t been in command when we landed.” Raven said and Clarke nodded, she knew exactly what the Mechanic meant, had even heard more stories of the dark era that came before Heda Leksa, the wars the clans were consumed in because the previous Commanders hadn’t been able to stop it, the tentative peace that came with Lexa’s reign.

“Let’s say the implant stores information, it may interact with Lexa’s consciousness but she must be the one to decide what to do with it.” Abby supplied. “At the end it must be up to her, the proper working of the implant depends on the host, if someone with bad intentions had it it could mean chaos.”

“And if people knew it was a physical object they would know it is possible to take it away, the line of command would be disrupted, war would break out because who has the Flame, has the throne.” Clarke said, her eyes widening. “That’s why they kill the Nightbloods in the Conclave, why they only let one of them live, because they could threaten the life of the chosen and the Flame could fall into unworthy hands.”

“But that would depend on the person that trains them, I don’t see Aden and the rest of Lexa’s novitiates willingly killing each other, Lexa has raised them as brothers and sisters, they care for each other and are loyal to each other and to Lexa, to the way she does things.” Raven said and Abby looked completely lost so she focused her eyes on Clarke. “And Titus disapproves.”

“Why would he?” The doctor asked and the Mechanic didn’t move her eyes away from Clarke, they were both thinking the same thing.

“Because they could refuse to fight each other.” Clarke provided and Raven nodded.

“It already happened in Lexa’s Conclave, they were nine novitiates, she got a tattoo for each one of her brothers and sisters that fell that day, she only has seven circles marked on her back.” Raven said, knowing by the surprise in Clarke’s eyes that she didn’t know that part of the story. “Someone refused to fight Lexa in the final duel, Lexa let them go even if Titus pushed for their death. Imagine what would happen if all the Nightbloods decided they don’t want to fight each other.”

“The Flame would have no host, there would be no Heda and chaos would follow.” Clarke said and they would have continued talking if a voice hadn’t come through the intercom. They had all forgotten the Commander was still stuck inside the machine.

“Doctor Griffin, I’d like to know for how much longer I will have to stay inside this machine?” Lexa’s said, her voice sounding shaky.

“We are actually done now, Lexa, Clarke will go help you out.”

…………….

“Hey,” Clarke said, offering Lexa some water, the Commander had basically rushed out of the Mountain when they had let her out the medical bay. The blonde had followed without thinking twice about it. “Are you okay?” 

“Yes, I just knew I wasn’t supposed to move, it reminded me of the poison, how my body felt completely dead, it made me feel…” Lexa said, trailing off, not really knowing what word to use.

“Scared?” Clarke offered and Lexa gave her a look.

“Unsettled.” The Commander said and the blonde arched her eyebrows, not believing her at all.

“I heard how you were breathing when I went in there to help you out of the machine. You were on the edge of having a panic attack. You don’t need to lie to me, I won’t think any less of you and you know that.” Clarke said, tentatively reaching for Lexa’s hand, feeling her stomach flip when Lexa latched onto it like it was her lifeline.

“I have gone through a few distasteful things before, but I had never faced that poison before, being unable to move, to speak. I felt like I was losing my mind, like I was trapped and I couldn’t get out. It was frustrating, maddening and I felt like I was suffocating, it’s been a while since I felt so much panic.” Lexa said, looking down at the grass. “I haven’t been able to get back to a calm state of mind ever since, I am on edge, nervous, angry, and I constantly feel like I am about to snap.”

“It only happened last night Lexa, I bet your throat is still hurting from the intubation tube, no one expects you to be over it so quickly.” Clarke said, feeling saddened by how inconsiderate Lexa was with herself.

“I can’t afford to be like this, out of control. It’s dangerous.”

“It’ll get better if you stop pushing yourself, if you give it time.” Clarke said looking up at Lexa, she had an idea.

“Why don’t we go for a ride? I needed to go pick some stuff up back in Arkadia and it is not that far.” Clarke said, happy when she saw Lexa’s eyes lit up.

“We can, I actually have a meeting with the Council tonight, so we could come back to the Mountain with the members that are still in Arkadia.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded, giving her a smile.

“Perfect.”

…………………

They rode quietly for the most part, giving each other short glances from time to time, but not talking. At last they passed the foliage and the clearing surrounding Arkadia came into view. Clarke kicked her horse’s sides, the animal broke into a sprint and she turned around to shout from over her shoulder.

“RACE YOU THERE!” she told Lexa, not giving the surprised Commander another glance as she focused her energy in getting to the front gates first.

She heard the distinctive sound of hooves hitting the ground from behind her and turned around to see Lexa who was still a few feet behind her.

“That’s cheating!” Lexa called, kicking at her own horse’s sides to be able to get closer to Clarke.

“You don’t make all the rules, Heda!” Clarke said, blonde hair wiping with the wind as she reached the main gates just seconds before Lexa did.

The Commander looked at her with a expression that would have seemed blank for most people, but Clarke could see the minuscule pull at the edge of her lips.

“In all races all competitors must take off at the same time, Clarke.”

“You were slow to react, and so you lost.” Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders. “Maybe you would have been faster if you hadn’t been staring at my face.”

Lexa moved her horse closer to Clarke’s, her eyes blatantly moving over the blonde’s face.  
“Then I am afraid I am condemned to be slow for the rest of my life. I can't help myself, Clarke, you are too beautiful.” The Commander whispered, making sure her guards couldn’t hear, they already were looking confused because of the way Heda and Wanheda had just taken off.

Clarke blushed deeply at the way the Commander was looking at her and was still finding something to say when the gates were opened and Marcus stepped outside. Lexa’s expression closed off completely then, her jaw clenched and she tightened her hold around the reins of the horse before dismounting. Clarke did the same and walked up to her.

“Hey, I’m gonna go get what I came here for, maybe you can talk to Marcus in the meantime.”

“Yes, Commander, I was surprised by the sudden Council meeting you called.” The man said and Clarke took that chance to leave. She entered Arkadia and tried to reach Raven through the radio.

“Clarke, where the hell did you go? we need to talk about the flame thing!”

“I’m at Arkadia, I figure I could try to find something about the symbol tattooed on the back of Lexa’s neck here in the database. We know there’s no way in hell the grounders made that implant, it must have come from before the bombs, maybe something will show up and we will know more about it.”

“Great, go to my room, I snuck a computer there, I hacked the Ark’s mainframe so you will have access to most things.” Raven said nonchalantly and Clarke stopped her walking to stare at the radio with amusement.

“You know that’s illegal right?”

“Only if they find out, Griff. Keep me updated, okay?” Raven said and nodded to herself before remembering that the mechanic couldn’t see her.

“I will.”

Clarke quickly walked to the Mechanic’s room, trying to avoid everyone that tried to make conversation with her before entering the room, closing the door and letting out a sigh. She dropped on the chair in front of Raven’s desk and turned on the computer.

“Password?” Clarke said into the radio.

“Mustang68” Raven said and Clarke stared at the radio again.

“What is that?”

“The kind of car I’d like to have in the old world.” The mechanic said and Clarke chuckled.

“I am not even surprised.” Clarke said as she got access to the computer and started looking for anything she could find on the infinity symbol, eight figures and things of the like.

“Well, you wouldn’t think about that password, would you?” 

“Relax, I am not judging, who knows, maybe you will somehow pull one of those out of your ass.” Clarke said, a smile blooming in her face when she heard Raven’s loud laughter come through the radio.

“You are damn right, Griff. Did you find anything yet?”

“Nothing useful, mostly what the infinity symbol means in mathematics, astronomy and philosophy, it is nothing we don’t know already, just the meaning of it, how it is used, what it represents.” Clarke said, scrolling up and down, opening different files and docs to try to find something useful.

“Well, it is a broken infinity symbol, see if that helps.” Raven said and Clarke went back to typing.

“Some bullshit about destiny Raven, I don’t really know what else to look for.”

“Try with cybernetic implants, artificial intelligence, things like that.” Raven said, wishing that she could be right there with Clarke, helping her with the search.

“Now we need to narrow it down, I am getting millions of different results.” Clarke sighed as she read over the articles she found.

“I think I have an idea.” Raven said, and Clarke stopped what she was doing to pay attention to what the mechanic was about to say next. “Grab some paper and a pen.” The omega said, and Clarke reached for a forgotten notebook on the desk, trying at least 3 pens before she had to grab a pencil instead. 

“Got it.”

“Great, now, you have to draw an infinity symbol, right before the left lower line goes up to get to the middle where the two lines cross the symbol breaks, but it isn’t a blank space, the line continues with 3 dots. I’m not sure if I explained myself well.”

“I think so.” Clarke said. “I just drew an eight horizontally, on the lower left side I erased a bit of it and drew 3 dots to fill the space.”

“Perfect, now let the computer scan it and tell me what comes up.”

Clarke did as told, waiting for the information to load and then gasping when she read the name of the files..

“Raven?”

“Why do you sound like you saw a ghost?”

“The computer took me to some old files, there is a common theme in all the documents, Polaris.” 

“The 13th Station? Wasn’t that a myth?” Raven said, shock coloring her voice.

“Not from what I am seeing here, the symbol represents Polaris lab, whose founder was a woman named Becca, she was a doctor and a scientist, she was famous because she found a pathway to the human mind… oh my god, Raven.” Clarke said as she closed a file and opened another one, reading over it, it was about the nuclear apocalypse.

“What, Clarke?” Raven said, it killed her to not be able to see what the blonde saw.

“She provoked the nuclear apocalypse.”

“What?!”

“She created a program, A.L.I.E, with the purpose to make life better for humans, the program believed that the problem with mankind was the over population so it provoked the apocalypse to fix it. Doctor Becca was unable to stop it, it says here that it took her about a year to destroy the program.”

“How does that translate to Lexa having her company’s symbol tattooed on the back of her neck?”

“I do not know, Raven, the remaining files are about the destruction of Polaris Station.”

“Check them out, we don’t really have anything else.” Raven said, and Clarke clicked on another file, several documents displayed on the screen.

“Alpha Station ordered the attack when they found out that Doctor Becca was working on the second version of the A.L.I.E program, they were concerned about it infecting their mainframe and decided to destroy the station to stop it. There were no survivors.”

“Deadend.” Raven said with a sigh and Clarke nodded to herself, leaning back on the chair and rolling her shoulders to free them from the tension.

“Basically.” the blonde said at last.

“Somewhere around the desk there must be a flash drive, bring everything you can find on Polaris, I will try to find something else once you are back.”

“Raven, what will we tell Lexa about this?” Clarke asked while she waited for all the files to be transferred to Raven’s flash drive.

“Nothing, the last thing she needs to know is that some Skaikru scientist accidently provoked the end of the world, I mean, we could tell her, it’s just pointless to me.”

“Guess you're right.” Clarke said, shoving the flashdrive in her pocket and walking out of the room, promising Raven to go and speak with her that same night.

……………….

Clarke asked Lexa for a minute to talk to her, which is why they ended up standing among the trees near the Mountain. Clarke knew there were guards keeping an eye on them, she just couldn’t see them.

They were standing very close to each other, side by side, the Commander quietly brushed the back of her hand against the blonde’s. Clarke didn’t move away.

“If you knew you could give up being the Commander without dying, would you?” Clarke asked. During the ride back to the Mountain she had been thinking, Raven and her were doing all the research to find a way to free Lexa and they didn’t even know if that was something the alpha wanted.

“That is impossible, can’t happen.” Lexa said immediately, not even stopping to think about it.

“It is just a hypothetical question.”

“There is no reason to dwell on impossibilities, Clarke, it is just a waste of time.” Lexa said, moving to walk away. Clarke grabbed her by the arm and pulled her back, the Commander stared at Clarke’s hand on her skin for a few seconds before looking up at the other alpha.

“Come on, Lexa, amuse me.” Clarke said and Lexa sighed, looking away from Clarke and directing her gaze towards the trees.

It took some time, but eventually the Commander answered.

“No, I would not give up my position.” Lexa said, and for some reason Clarke wasn’t surprised.

“This position was forced on you, you didn’t choose it and all the suffering you have ever been through comes from it, why wouldn’t you give it up if you could?” Clarke wondered, her eyes on Lexa’s profile, the Commander had never seemed more closed off.

“That might be true, but still being the Commander is all I have, without my duty I don’t have anything, I would be no one, my life would have no purpose.” Lexa said, and each word broke Clarke’s heart just a little bit further.

“What about Lexa? If you weren’t the Commander you could just be Lexa, you have Lexa.” Clarke said and Lexa smiled, an empty and dark smile that made shivers run down the blonde’s back. That smile was hollow, and dented, shattered, and it showed her that she didn’t really know Lexa, that under the pain she had been allowed to see there was a whole void full of it.

“Honestly, Clarke, I often forget Lexa even exists.” She said and a thin veil of tears instantly covered the blonde’s eyes, her chest felt cold and tight, and the darkness clouding Lexa’s eyes made her feel like all the warmth had been suddenly sucked out of the world. 

The Commander often forgot about Lexa’s existence.

So Clarke kissed her, just to remind her.

They ended up kissing on the forest floor, desperate and loving and so very careful. Clarke straddling Lexa’s lap as she gently moved her lips against hers, their bodies pressed tight and close, Lexa’s arms curled comfortably around Clarke’s waist.

The blonde pulled away when she felt wetness against her cheeks, tears were slowly dribbling out of Lexa’s closed eyes. Clarke could only kiss them away, caressing Lexa’s neck with both her hands. The tears wouldn’t stop falling and Clarke started to worry when Lexa’s bottom lip started to tremble.

“Please, tell me what’s wrong?” Clarke begged, her heart going still in her chest when Lexa opened her eyes, they were clear, gentle, just a little broken, and a small smile, a real one, pulled at the corner of her lips.

“Raven said that people cry when they are happy, when they are really happy. I don’t think I understood until now, you kiss me and I feel this way…” Lexa trailed off seeming speechless, her expression tender as her eyes moved all over Clarke’s face. “I feel very happy now, Clarke, here, with you.” Lexa said and the blonde could only smile in response. Lexa moved closer, pressing a gentle kiss on Clarke’s lips before burying her face in her neck, lovingly nuzzling the hollow of Clarke’s throat with her nose.

Clarke hugged Lexa’s shoulders just as tight, if not tighter, wondering if she was really willing to give Lexa up when the brunette was so open to give them a chance. Clarke wondered then and there, if giving up the chance to be with Lexa was even an option.

………….

Raven decided to wait until Lexa was asleep to leave the room to speak with Clarke, which she quickly realized was a bad idea. At the beginning the alpha was refusing to sleep until the omega did the same, and then when Raven had managed to convince Lexa to just sleep and leave her alone with her thoughts the alpha finally allowed herself to rest halfway on top of Raven, as usual, which left the omega trapped under the alpha’s tight hold. There was no way she could get up without waking Lexa up.

The omega caressed Lexa’s hair gently, calling her name in a soft voice to avoid startling her.

“Hey, Lex.” Raven said quietly, a half closed green eye stared up at her. “I need to go to the bathroom, okay?” the alpha blinked quickly and pushed herself off Raven.

“Do you need help?” Lexa said, her voice hoarse with sleep, Raven was pumping out comforting pheromones, tucking Lexa in with the pillows and the soft sheets, the Commander was quickly getting sleepy again.

“No, just sleep, Robot.” Raven said, gently caressing Lexa’s hair until the alpha was back asleep. 

Then she made her escape. She walked along the empty hallways of the Mountain until she reached Clarke’s room, making her way inside and finding the blonde sitting on an arm chair sketching. The blonde was so focused she didn’t notice the omega’s entrance and was more than a little startled when Raven just dropped to sit beside her.

“That’s gorgeous.” The Mechanic said, staring at Lexa’s face in Clarke’s drawing, the Commander was looking back at her, eyes wide and clear, a small smile playing at the corner of her lips, hair loose, no war paint in sight. “Is that how you see her?”

“I can count with one hand the times I have seen her like this, I want to see her like this every day. Why do you ask?”

“Makes it easier to understand why you love her so much.” Raven said and Clarke arched her eyebrows, closing her sketch book.

“Like you don’t understand that already.” Clarke said, standing up to settle her book on the desk, looking away from Raven.

“I am not in love with Lexa, Clarke, she is all yours.”

“You slept with her just this morning.” the blonde said, giving Raven a none impressed look.

“Well, she was absolutely livid, all I did was direct her anger somewhere else before she could kill someone. Besides, I also slept with Bellamy, do I love him? of course fucking not.” Raven said. “She just needed to fuck the anger out of her system, you can take care of it next time if you want, I don’t mind.”

“Raven.” Clarke said seriously and her tone told the Mechanic she had to stop messing around. “She said she is falling in love with you.”

“What?” the omega said, her face contorting in shock, her heart felt to her feet and then jumped into her stomach, leaving it in knots. “She said she’s falling in love with me?”

“Not with does words exactly, but she said and I quote, that she cares for you and that her feelings for you are growing and evolving into something else. In Lexa’s world that means that she is starting to fall for you.” Clarke said and Raven looked down at her feet, still processing.

“Damn.”

“So, no, she isn’t all mine.”

“But she loves you.” Raven said, confused.

“That isn’t making her feelings for you stop growing. She said that I could marry her if I wanted to, that I would have a place by her side and that we could be together, she said that you have given her the freedom to make a move on me. I need to know if that is true, or if you are only lying to yourself to try and keep pretending that she is only a great fuck and nothing else.” Clarke said, keeping her words clear and to the point, watching as Raven swallowed hard.

“Harsh, Griffin.” Raven said, she was about to retaliate, to tease, to tell the blonde Lexa wasn’t a good fuck, that she was actually an excellent, mind blowing, earth shattering fuck, the best fuck of her life, but she didn’t, because she saw in Clarke’s face that if she messed with her one more time, the alpha wouldn’t take it lightly.

“This is serious, Raven, if there is a chance for the two of you to have a happy life together I will happily step out of the way and leave you guys be.” Clarke said, pacing in the little room while Raven watched her from the chair.

“You know that she will never be happy without you, she’d be incomplete.” Raven said, looking thoughtful.

“Well, at some point she will get to a point where she will be incomplete without you, too, what then? It’s not like she can choose, she was forced to marry you and she can’t get out of it without it having political repercussions.” Clarke said. Raven frowned.

“I wouldn’t want to make her choose anyway.”

“Neither would I, she feels deeply for the both of us, we would just add to her pain unnecessarily. She gave me the chance to choose, though.”

“You don’t want to leave her.”

“No.”

“Then if what you need is my blessing, I give it to you, and it is not bullshit. She is not just a good fuck, but I would not go as far as to say that I have feelings for her. I don’t know what will happen between her and I in the long run, but whatever happens you can be with her, it doesn’t bother me, I promise.” Raven said, and Clarke nodded, some tension leaving her shoulders. “What she feels for me… does that bother you?” Raven asked and Clarke looked back at her for a few seconds before sighing, shaking her her head slowly.

“She thinks you are funny, you amuse her constantly, I love seeing her like that.” Clarke said, her eyes getting just a little lost. “That isn’t a surprise though, you are really nice, Raven.” the blonde said and the mechanic grinned cheekily.

“Who knows, Griff, we might even end up incomplete without each other, too.” Raven said, teasing, and Clarke laughed. “I surely wouldn’t mind having you in bed with Lexa and I, the thought is kind of hot.” Raven said, looking up at the roof with a glint in her eyes, her imagination going to very dangerous places, when she looked back at the blonde, the alpha was completely red on the face. Raven burst out laughing.

“oh god, Raven, I won’t even comment on that. Can we just talk about the Flame and Polaris like we planned to?”

“Sure Griff, whatever you want.” Raven said, wiggling her eyebrows. Clarke could only sigh as she tried not to smile.

Raven decided to leave after a few hours, when she saw the blonde nodding off while she read what they had found about Becca.

“Raven.” Clarke called, the omega already had a foot out the door.

“Yes?”

“All of this might be pointless, she said she wouldn’t give up her title if she could.” Clarke said, looking sad and resigned. Raven got instantly angry.

“Why the hell not? is she some fucking kind of martyr or what?”

“She doesn’t think she has anything outside her duty, outside of being Heda.” Clarke said, she could almost see Raven’s anger boiling in her veins.

“Of course she does, she has you, she has the little robot…” Raven tried to think of something else, she thought about adding herself to the list and then backtracked. “She has… she has Indra!” 

Clarke arched her eyebrows and kept herself from rolling her eyes.

“You know what I mean.” Raven said at last.

“I know, but I don’t think that’s what she means.” the blonde said. Raven closed the door and dropped on Clarke’s bed again, rubbing her leg.

“I am not following, Griff.”

“As Heda she knows who she is, she has a duty, a purpose, she sees a reason to be alive, carry the Flame, fight for peace, that is all she has ever known, without it she thinks there is nothing left. She doesn’t know what she would do. She’d be empty.” Clarke said, looking deeply pained. Raven moved closer and wrapped an arm around Clarke’s shoulders, leaning her head against the blonde’s.

“We both know that isn’t true.” Raven whispered.

“That is how she feels, that’s what that asshole taught her, that she is nothing without the Flame.” Clarke said, her distress showing strongly in her scent. “How are we supposed to make her think otherwise after all the damage that has been done?”

“I don’t know,” Raven said, tilting her head down to be able to look at Clarke. “She is strong and she is wise, she will continue to be those things if she ever loses the spirit, we will convince her of that somehow.”

“You promise?” Clarke asked, her hands tightened around Raven’s shirt.

“Yes, I promise.”

……………….

When Raven went back to her room she found Lexa asleep with frown on her face, her body tense in sleep. The omega got under the covers and gently rubbed her hand up and down Lexa’s arm, the alpha eventually relaxed and opened her eyes to look at the Mechanic, she then moved to lay over Raven, cover her with her body, shield her from whatever could come to harm her at night. Raven stopped her and the Commander frowned.

“What’s wrong? Are you in pain? is it your leg?” Lexa asked, moving to get up. Raven shook her head and made her lay down again.

“I was just wondering if you would let me hold you tonight.” Raven said and confusion quickly covered the alpha’s eyes.

“Why?”

“You hold me every night, you protect me even when we sleep, wouldn’t you want to know how that feels?” Raven said, looking at Lexa expectantly, not really knowing what was going on in the alpha’s head.

“There is no need for that.”

“I know, but I would like to hold you, make you feel what you make me feel, do it, if not for yourself then for me.” Raven said, Lexa hesitated, taking a long time before finally nodding.

Raven curled on her side and laid an arm out, motioning for Lexa to come a little closer. The Commander did as told, laying her head carefully on Raven’s arm, feeling it fold around her neck as it rested gently around her shoulders. Both her arms ended up tucked comfortably against Raven’s chest as the mechanic wrapped her other arm around her waist and held her close.

Lexa was tense, her body stayed stiff as a board for many long minutes. Raven just held her quietly, breathing slowly, rubbing her back up and down until finally the Commander let her body relax, let her forehead rest against Raven’s collarbone and breathed in her scent deeply.

“I know you are strong, I don’t doubt your strength and I admire it, I just wanted to tell you that you don’t need to be strong all the time, you don’t need to be the protector all the time, and you don’t need to feel guilty about the times when you let yourself just feel everything. You can just be you, right here.” Raven said. She was trying to tell Lexa that she didn’t have to be the Commander all the time, that she had a safe place to be herself and she hoped that little by little the alpha would see that she still existed outside of her role. Raven hoped that in some way the Commander understood.

Lexa just managed to nod against Raven’s skin, her soft touch and her scent slowly lulling her to sleep.

……………..

The next morning Lexa noticed that putting on her armor didn’t feel as suffocating as it usually did. She had just shrugged on her coat when Raven gently touched her elbow, moving to stand in front of the Commander and slowly buttoning the coat for her.

“Would things be easier for you if I stayed here?” Raven asked, her eyes on the buttons.

“Titus and the Queen are both a danger to you.” Lexa said and Raven looked up at her. “You must not worry, I will keep you safe.”

“That is not what I asked.” The mechanic said and the alpha sighed.

“I’d feel better if you were somewhere safe, with a healer to look after you. I’d feel better if you weren’t traveling so much, if you weren’t exerting yourself so often, if you weren’t in pain. But I would never force you to do something you don’t wish to do, I won’t force you to stay.” Lexa said as Raven finished with her coat and smoothed the fabric with her hands.

“If I stay you have to promise me something.” Raven said and Lexa reached to take her hands in her own.

“Even if you don’t stay I’d do my best to give you whatever you desire.” Lexa said and the sincere care in her eyes made a flutter manifest in Raven’s stomach.

“Promise me you will stay in touch and that you will come back. Promise me that if for some reason you get delayed you will be here for the first ultrasound.”

“I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a shit week and I am in an off mood, hopefully this chapter wasn't bad.
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


	6. Away from each other

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people have been asking about the A/B/O dynamics in this work, so I will try to explain it as clearly as possible.
> 
> In this work Alpha females only develop male genitalia during their ruts or their mate's (if they are omegas) heats, which means that the rest of the time they keep their female genitals as usual, this allows alpha females to get pregnant if they share sexual intercourse with male betas, male omegas, male alphas, and female alphas if they are in rut and have developed the male genitals. The thing is a female alpha getting pregnant is highly unlikely because they are not as fertile as omegas and are prone to have what is called a hostile uterus, which basically means that is really hard for the sperm to fertilize the egg. They are also more likely to have a miscarriage during the first trimester of pregnancy and to have complications during childbirth if they get to carry the baby to term.
> 
> Besides that, all the aspects of the A/B/O dynamics are pretty much the same, alphas are dominant, powerful and strong, betas are more neutral, level headed, not affected by pheromones as they are barely able to detect them; and omegas tend to be caring and gentle.
> 
> Both alphas and omegas go into ruts and heats respectively every 3 months.
> 
> In Skaikru they had the usual A/B/O hierarchy, with alphas on top with omegas on the bottom, while in grounder society there is some sort of equality, as everyone is valued according to what they are able to provide to the community, omegas being especially important because of their role facilitating the reproduction of the species, and because their peaceful approaches when handling conflict.
> 
> In this work the bite marks aren't too important, couples that wish to have them do and those who don't live perfectly well without them. In this work the bite mark is not what cements the bond, it develops on its own.
> 
> If you have any questions that I didn't answer here please leave them below and I will be happy to answer.

Lexa walked towards the control room with Bouda by her side, she had been tying loose ends at the Mountain ever since the day before, the day she had spoken to the Skaikru leaders about their unfair treatment towards omegas. Things were strained at best, fragile at worst, and even if she hadn’t given them a choice she would still check constantly that the changes she had demanded would be made.

 

She had been in meetings all day, with Clarke, Abby, Kane, Bellamy and Lincoln, who was now a member of the Council as advisor of grounder relations. Raven hadn’t been in the meetings even if she belonged in the Council because she was still working on disabling the self destruct mechanism, as long as it worked their lives were at risk. 

 

They discussed how the new rule put by Lexa could and would be enforced by the Skairku, alpha, betas and omegas would receive equal treatment, equal opportunities, equal rights, and if they didn’t Lexa would end their leadership and take matters into her own hands, after all she was still leader of Trikru and the Sky people belonged to her clan.

 

She finally reached the Control room, tension in her shoulders, she would have to leave the next day at first light, and even if she could breathe better knowing that Raven would stay, she still worried, she still would have liked to stay by the omega’s side and be able to see to her needs properly.

 

Raven didn’t turn around, not noticing the Commander had entered the room, Vulcan was by her feet chewing at the Mechanic’s boot, the omega had given up trying to stop him. Lexa stood behind Raven’s chair and hesitated for a few seconds before putting her hands on the omega’s shoulders. Raven startled for a second, but then she recognized the hands touching her and the scent that came with them and her shoulders dropped. She let out a sigh and turned her head to the side slightly so Lexa could massage better her sore neck.

 

“It is time to rest, Raven.” Lexa said, looking at the untouched plate of food on the desk and frowning. She motioned with her head for the guard standing by the door to come closer and whispered a few things in his ear, he nodded and left.

 

“I still haven’t figured this out.” Raven said, typing furiously with more force than necessary, Lexa felt the omega’s frustration in her nose and turned the chair, crouching down in front of the omega, taking her hands.

 

“Come eat with me.” Lexa said, rubbing her thumb on the back of Raven’s knuckles, “I leave early tomorrow, I’d like to share this night with you.”

 

Raven couldn’t stop herself from smiling a little, there was a very beautiful alpha looking up at her with big green eyes, she just had to accept. She nodded and accepted Lexa’s help to stand up.

 

Raven got more and more confused with every step they took, Lexa was taking her out of the Mountain.

 

“Where are we going?”

 

“Just outside,” Lexa said, her hand curled protectively around Raven’s waist, “I thought you’d like to breathe some fresh air, get out of this place, see the stars.” Lexa said and Raven just looked at her, the alpha stopped walking. “We can always eat inside if that’s what you want.”

 

“No, outside is fine, let’s go.” Raven said, continuing to walk outside with Lexa just a step behind her.

 

Outside she found a few grounders tending to the fire, making food, the smell made her mouth water and her stomach growl. There were blankets and soft cushions strewn all around, Raven turned to look at the alpha with surprise on her face. Lexa blushed a little, looking bashful.

 

“I wanted you to be comfortable.” Lexa said, sitting down with her back leaning against a fallen tree. She grabbed some pillows and cushions letting them rest against the tree and then motioning Raven to sit down. The omega did as told, leaning down with a sigh of content. “We will have to wait some time before the food is ready.

 

Raven nodded in response and shuddered at the cold breeze, she looked around, watched the trees, they would soon lose all their leaves.

 

“Do you think winter will catch you in Polis?” Raven asked, watching as Lexa shrugged off her coat and then put it around her shoulders, leaving her arms bare to the cold autumn air. “You don’t have to do that.”

 

“Yes, it will, but hopefully I will be able to come back before the worst of it.” Lexa said, ignoring Raven’s other comment.

 

“It gets bad?”

 

“Blizzards, snow storms, some years are good, our people get to enjoy the snow, some others the snow kills and it is difficult to help everyone, transportation gets difficult, resources are scarce.” Lexa said, worried, rubbing her hands for warmth. Raven watched her, the tiny hairs on Lexa’s arms were standing on end, the omega moved to take Lexa’s hand between her own and starting rubbing them, blowing warm air on them. When she looked up Lexa was looking back at her with big green eyes, looking so soft and so light, Raven felt her breath catch. “Thank you.” Lexa said and Raven shrugged her shoulders.

 

“It’s okay,” Raven said, wondering when was the last time some cared to see if Lexa was cold, the last time they cared just because she was Lexa, the last time someone offered her warmth. Lexa looked so grateful for such a small gesture. “You are worried about how its gonna be this year?” Raven asked, and Lexa gave her a small nod.

 

“Yes, I have lived many winters, some of them I have loved, some of them I have hated, and I know that it shouldn't be this cold already.”

Raven nodded, feeling the chill in the air and how bizarre it was, for most of her life she had lived with no concept of temperature, the Ark was never cold or hot, it just was, feeling cold was a new sensation that came with living on the ground. Raven told Lexa as much and the Commander looked at her with confusion.

 

“I am glad that you will stay here then, I have noticed it doesn’t get cold in the Mountain either.”

 

“Yeah, it pretty much works the same way.” Raven said. “I am not sure how I feel about you leaving now that I know that the cold is a potential danger.” Lexa looked at her, surprised by the worry she could feel coming off the omega.

 

“Do not worry, with the proper precautions the cold should not be a problem, it is easy to keep warm at Polis.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, they ate under the stars and then they went to bed.

 

That night Lexa held Raven specially tight, nose buried in the omega’s neck, Raven didn’t make a move to pull away. They seemed to lay there for hours and none of them could sleep. Raven moved her hand down and interlocked her fingers with Lexa’s, they had been splayed over her belly.

 

“Everything is going to be okay.” Raven whispered in the dark, feeling Lexa’s hot breath as she sighed against her neck.

 

“Leaving you in your state doesn’t please me, I am your partner and I should be here to see to your needs.”

 

“I need to be safe, more than anything else, and you are leaving to take out a potential threat, to us both, to our people and to our child, you are doing all you can and you are only human Lexa, you can’t split yourself in 2.” Raven said, letting out a sigh when she didn’t feel Lexa relax at all. “You can take a radio with you and like that you will be able to check on me and the pup whenever you want.”

 

“And that wouldn’t bother you?” Lexa asked quietly.

 

“No, I actually expect you to, I want updates on the Ice Nation issue, sounds good?”

 

“Sha, Raven.” The alpha whispered and Raven felt Lexa’s chest move easier with every breath she took against the omega’s back.

 

“Good, now try to sleep, you will be traveling a long way tomorrow.” Raven said and Lexa nodded against the back of her neck, falling asleep rather quickly with Raven’s fingers tangled in her own, her thumb gently brushing the back of Lexa’s.

 

…………………..

 

The next morning Raven woke up feeling like she hadn’t slept at all, she opened her eyes to see Lexa buttoning up her coat and stood up, placing her hand over the alpha’s to stop her and then taking over the task of buttoning the coat for her.

 

“You didn’t plan on leaving without saying goodbye, right?”

 

“I said goodbye, you just weren’t awake to hear it.” Lexa said, and Raven looked at her with a non impressed look. “You were sleeping peacefully, I did not wish to wake you.”

 

“I am going to let it pass just because you look really good in your big bad Commander outfit.” Raven said, feeling a little proud when she noticed she had made the Commander smile with the comment.

 

“You look beautiful everyday, Raven.” Lexa said quietly tucking a loose strand of brown hair that had fallen out Raven’s ponytail in her sleep. Raven felt her face get really hot, and thanked the gods for her complexion, knowing that it wouldn’t show much. Lexa noticed that Raven wouldn’t say anything else and moved her hand away from the mechanic’s face. “I have to go now, but I will leave Bouda with you, he will protect you in my absence.”

 

“There is no need, Vulcan can protect me on his own, right boy?” Raven said, turning to glance at the bed, the pup was splayed on his back in the middle of the mattress, tongue out. When Raven turned back to look at Lexa, the alpha was looking up at her with an eyebrow arched up in amusement, a small smile playing at her lips. Bouda came to stand by her side, looking proud and fierce, standing by Lexa like the loyal protector he was.

 

“Bouda will stay with you Raven, I trust him more than any of my gona, he will keep you safe.” Lexa said and Raven could only agree. The alpha sighed and looked down at her feet for a moment. “I have to go now, please Raven, take care for yourself, don’t spend hours upon hours working, I need you safe and healthy.”

 

“I’ll promise to take care of myself if you do, too.”

 

“I will do my best.” Lexa assured her and Raven new that was the most the Commander could give.

 

“I guess this is goodbye then.” Raven said and Lexa nodded, they looked at each other for a few seconds, none of them knowing what to do, until Lexa crouched down, kneeling before Raven until she was level with the omega’s abdomen. The alpha touched the hem of her blouse lightly before looking up at Raven.

 

“Can I?” Lexa asked and Raven was shocked to see the alpha kneeling in front of her. She only managed a jerky nod. Lexa fixed her gaze on her abdomen and pulled Raven’s shirt up a little.

 

Raven looked down and watched Lexa press her forehead against her abdomen with her eyes closed, her hand pressed low on Raven’s belly as her thumb caressed her skin. Raven heard her whisper something she couldn’t decipher, words in trigedasleng for their child. The omega’s chest felt tight in the best of ways, Lexa stayed there for a couple of seconds, whispering to their child, offering Raven a gentle touch and to finish it off she pressed the soft kiss just above Raven’s belly button.

 

The Commander straightened, her hand lingering on Raven’s abdomen, her features hardening into those of the ruthless leader. The omega watched it all happen with her heart in her throat.

 

“I will look forward to the moment we see each other again, Houmon kom Heda.” Lexa said, picking up Raven’s hand, kissing the back of it and leaving before the omega could get a word out.

 

……………………..

 

“I believe your wife told you to take care of yourself.” Abby said disapprovingly as she watched Raven stare at the screen in front of her with exhausted eyes, they were framed by dark bags and unkempt hair.

 

“My wife told me she would check on me daily and it’s been 2 days and I haven’t heard from her.” Raven said, sounding more annoyed and upset that Abby would expect. The doctor grabbed a chair and sat close to the omega.

 

“Have you seen how it is outside? The sky is falling, Raven, it is basically a downpour.” Abby said, “They are probably having trouble getting to Polis like that.”

 

“Which makes it even more important to make contact, she could be drowning in rain water for all I know.” Raven said, pressing her temples hard with her fingers, she had had a persistent headache for 2 days, it just wouldn’t go away.

 

“It’s okay to miss her, you know?” Abby said, looking at the omega with caring eyes. “She is your partner and she cared for you, offered you comfort and some sort of stability, it’s okay to miss her.”

 

“I don’t miss Lexa.” Raven snapped instantly, closing her eyes.

 

“So you're telling me your inability to sleep, your headache, and your bad mood, which all showed up as soon as the Commander left, have nothing to do with her.” Abby said, both her eyebrows arched. “She slept with you for more than a month now, you are carrying her child, you are pregnant, and your bond with her grows every day she spends with you, you miss her Raven, and the moment you stop lying to yourself about it, you will be better.”

 

“Better how?” Raven said angrily. “For all I know it could make me feel worse.”

 

“Well, you’d stop being stubborn and you would reach out to her through the radio yourself, instead of waiting for her to do it.” Abby said, standing up to leave, she placed her hand on Raven’s shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze. “Think about it.” the doctor said before leaving and Raven let out a heavy sigh, she tried to focus on her work for some time, but the sight of her radio placed there on the desk was taunting her, Abby’s words turning over and over in her head.

 

“Fuck it.” She said, grabbing the radio and trying to make contact. She called for Lexa many times and got no response, she was about to give up when a voice come through.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Clarke?”

 

“Raven?”

 

“Yeah, what are you doing with Lexa’s radio?” Raven asked, “Is she okay?”

 

“Well, she’s probably soaked to the bone right now, I only have the radio because she moved her stuff to the cart with the medical supplies we are taking to Polis. When the rain got bad she ordered me to get into the cart, make sure nothing inside was getting wet, I just wanted to get out of the rain for a little while so I accepted, I have had to stay though, when I cover one leak another seems to show up and the supplies can’t get wet.”  Clarke said, her voice coming cracked and hoarse through the radio.

 

“But inside the cart must be still drier than outside, why isn’t she in it, too?” Raven said.

 

“Why do you think? Because she is Heda, I suggested it and she looked at me like I had insulted her.

 

“Typical.”

 

“Yeah, she’s been in a very sour mood since we left so I decided to just leave her be.” Clarke said.

 

“Do you think you will get to Polis in time?”

 

“If we stop for the night, no, we are behind schedule already, hard to move when the ground is a mud bath, I think we will continue through the night and make it there by early morning, if we don’t there is a chance the Ice Queen will get there before we do, and Lexa doesn’t want that to happen.” Clarke said.

 

“Can you tell her to contact me when she can?” Raven said and Clarke smiled.

 

“Sure Ray, I’m sure she’s going to appreciate it.”

 

“Don’t push it, Clarke.” Raven said before letting the blonde go, standing up and going to her room, she needed to lay down and rest before her head exploded. Both Bouda and Vulcan followed after her. Bouda was tightly pressed to her side, his protective stance never faltering, while Vulcan got in her way, jumping and running, threatening to make her fall. 

 

When she got to her room she got under the covers of her bed and buried her face in Lexa’s pillow, breathing in deeply and and holding Lexa’s scent deep in her chest, the pounding in her head somewhat lessened as the omega continued to take deep breaths. She tried to think nothing of it, she was just tired and needy from her pregnancy, yeah, it was the baby making her feel that way.

 

She opened her eyes for a moment and met Bouda’s, the wolf was staring at her with a deep, focused gaze, his ears were pushed back as he looked at Raven, his two tails tucked in close to his belly.

 

“You miss her, don’t you?” She asked the animal, who just stared back at her for a couple of seconds before closing his eyes, only opening them again when he heard the loud of noise of books tumbling to the floor. Raven rolled her eyes, knowing exactly what had happened. “Vulcan, you are such a dick.” Raven said, reaching down to pick the pup up and letting him onto the bed. “Lay down and do nothing, okay?” she said, staring at the pup, who simply stood on the bed and walked towards her curling up by her belly. Raven rolled her eyes, a smile pulling at her lips as she caressed his back.

 

Raven buried her face on Lexa’s pillow once again and in a couple of seconds she fell asleep.

 

……….

 

The omega woke up to the gentle calling of her name, she groaned and buried her face in her pillow.

 

“Raven?” She heard again, her brain just processing who that voice belonged to, she lurched for the radio, talking back before the person on the other end left.

 

“Lexa?”

 

“Hello, did I wake you? I know it is early.”

 

“No, it’s fine. Did you make it to Polis?” Raven asked, her heart beating fast for some reason.

 

“Yes, I just entered my quarters. The Ice Queen is meant to be here tomorrow, she we’ll have to answer for her crimes as soon as she enters the capitol.” Lexa said. “How are you? How are you feeling?”

 

“I am okay.” Raven said, “Bouda and Vulcan are taking care of me, what about you? I know the rain couldn’t have made the trip easy.”

 

“I am okay, it was just water.” Lexa said and Raven rolled her eyes.

“Cold water and you were stuck under it for almost a day and a half. Did you change your clothes already? you should take a warm bath and have some food.” Raven said, wishing she was there to tell Eiza to prepare Lexa a bath with those special oils the Commander loved so much, and to have a person ready to give her a massage. 

 

“The first thing I did when I came here was reach out to you, Raven, as you requested. Eiza has the bath ready for me, I will go in eventually.”

 

“For the love of god, Lexa, go into the bath and talk to me while you are in it.” Raven said, getting comfortable on the bed. “You must be freezing.”

 

“I am not.”

 

“Just get into the bath, please.”

 

“I won’t be long.” Lexa said and Raven sighed, moving her hand to scratch behind Vulcan’s ears, the wolf pup was chewing and probably ruining the sleeve of her jacket.

 

“Raven, I am in the bath.”

 

“Nice, is it warm?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa said and a sighed escaped her lips before she could stop it. “Now I am relieved you didn’t come with us, it was a hard trip.”

 

“Me too, being in wet clothes for so long would have made me very moody.”

 

“How are you, Raven? have you been feeling okay?”

 

“Yeah, I have had a persistent headache for a while now, but I am sure it is nothing serious.” Raven said and she could basically see Lexa frowning on the other end.

 

“Have you talked to your healer? why hasn’t she done anything to ease your pain?” Lexa said, blatantly angry.

 

“Okay alpha, calm down, Abby already gave me something, I am sure the pain will go away soon.” Raven said and it was a lie, she knew the headache came from the lack of sleep and that the lack of sleep came from not having Lexa in bed with her, and there was no way she would admit that outloud, not to Lexa, and not to herself.

 

“Please, try to get plenty of sleep and food, has the handmaiden I left you being taking care of your needs?” Lexa asked and Raven thought briefly of the young girl that had been following her around and that she had basically kicked out.

 

“I told her to leave, she followed me around everywhere, it was annoying.” Raven said, knowing her moodiness was the reason behind everything, Eiza had done the same as the young girl and Raven had accepted it, but as soon as Lexa and her strong body and her intoxicating scent left she turned into a moody ball of annoyance.

 

“I do not approve of this, you forget to eat and to sleep as you work, Raven, you need someone to care for you.” Lexa said, sounding very displiced and frustrated, the omega sighed, knowing that Lexa had already been torn for leaving and that what she was telling her probably wasn’t helping at all.

 

“Don’t worry, Abby has been making sure I eat properly, and she does it without hovering, giving me privacy.” Raven yawned noisily, hearing Lexa had made her extremely relaxed.

 

“Sleep Raven, I will talk to you tomorrow after the audience with the Ice Queen.”

 

“Okay.” Raven said, burying her nose in Lexa’s pillow. “Sleep well, Robot.”

 

“You too, Raven, I wish for you to have peaceful dreams.” Lexa said, and moments later there was only silence. Raven fell asleep with a small smile on her face. 

 

……………..

 

The next day Raven’s knee continuously bounced with anxiety, she would be pacing if her leg allowed her to walk for long periods of time, it was midday, the audience should have been over hours before, and still Lexa didn’t reach out to her.

 

“Raven? Raven, answer me.” Came Clarke’s aggravated voice through the radio.

 

“Clarke, what the hell is going on? Lexa should have reached out hours ago.” Raven responded immediately, Clarke’s tone only made her heart race in her chest.

 

“There was a coup, Raven. There are only 2 ways to remove the Commander from power, death, or an unanimous vote from the Ambassadors, they all voted for Lexa to be removed.”

 

“What? How did the Ice Queen’s Audience turn into a move against Lexa?” Raven said exalted and exasperated, messing up her hair as she reached up to hold her forehead with one of her hands.

 

“She claimed she was only doing what Lexa had been too weak to do, get rid of us, she said that we are too alike to the Mountain men and that the Union should have never taken place, the other Ambassadors backed her.”

 

“And why Lexa didn’t throw them off the fucking tower?”

 

“Because they all took a stand against her, killing them would have meant war when she had no support, the only reason why she hasn’t been executed is because I didn’t agree to it and that made the vote of the Trikru Ambassador invalid, I had to agree with him for our vote to count and I obviously didn’t.” Clarke said and Raven breathed out in relief.

“What now?”

 

“The Ice Queen challenged Lexa to a fight to the death, Lexa couldn’t refuse because that would have made her look weak. Roan, Prince of the Ice Nation will fight for the Queen.”

 

“And who will fight for Lexa?” Raven asked, even if deep down she already knew the answer.

 

“Who do you think? she won’t let anyone fight for her, which is why I am talking to you, she won’t listen to me, I need you to convince her to let someone fight for her.”

 

“Of course,” Raven said, clearly annoyed. “Typical alpha. I will talk to her, I doubt it will change her mind though.”

 

“We have to at least try, there is still time, the fight will happen a week from today, they need the Flamekeeper to be at least functional in case the Conclave needs to be called, so they agreed to give him one more week to recover, he should be able to move his arms enough by then.”

 

“So we have a week to convince her not to be an idiot.” Raven said, rubbing at her temple with her free hand.

 

“Yes.”

 

“That also means that you have a week to snoop around inside Titus’ temple.” Raven said, “It is somewhere close to the tower, maybe we will find some answers there, you have to do it before he goes back there.”

 

“I will, I can always ask Lexa to take me there herself.”

 

“Okay, keep me updated on your findings, and please Clarke, don’t let her get killed, I have to at least watch you two get married first.” Raven said, trying to lighten the mood.

 

“I haven’t agreed to that.”

 

“Well, you should, we both know you want to have your way with her.”

 

“Bye, Raven.” Clarke said, the line died and the Mechanic couldn’t help but smile a little.

 

………………..

 

“What is this I hear about you fighting to the death with some Prince, Lexa.”

 

“Hello to you too, Raven.”

 

“Cut the crap, you promised you would take care of yourself, I  should have thought twice before believing the words of the person that left us at the Mountain to die.” Raven said, angry, her voice harsh.

 

“Raven, I couldn’t have stopped this.” Lexa said, her voice barely masking the hurt Raven’s words had caused her. “I will win this fight for you and for our child, you must trust me.”

 

“How could I when you go around doing exactly what you promised not to do.”

 

“I won’t fail you, I swear it over our unborn child Raven, you know nothing matters more to me.” the alpha said, and Raven knew then and there that she was talking to Lexa, not the Commander.

 

“If you die…”

 

“I won’t.”

 

“Okay.”

 

……….

 

Raven started being sick the following day.

 

………..

 

The omega cried as she curled around the toilet, expelling everything she had ever eaten in her life. Octavia rubbed her back comfortingly, telling her to let it all out as both Bouda and Vulcan watched from the door, whining.

 

“You need to go see Abby, Raven, you haven’t been able to keep anything down in 2 days, you have to tell Lexa, too.” Octavia said. Raven glared at her, throat on fire.

 

“Come on, don’t be stubborn, Abby can give you something to settle your stomach.” 

 

“I’ll just puke it all.” Raven said, spitting on the toilet before rinsing her mouth with water and standing up to brush her teeth. She felt weak and gross, silly because the only thing she wanted was to have Lexa back, to have the alpha rubbing her back, and curling her arms around her and kissing her neck. Her eyes watered, her stomach lurched and she ended up puking again.

 

“Okay, I am calling Abby.” Octavia said, standing up and leaving the room, ignoring Raven when when she tried to stop her.

 

Bouda moved closer to her, a low whine leaving his throat and laying his muzzle on Raven’s arm, his ears back.

 

“I am fine, boy, you are just like her, you know?” Raven said, crying and not even knowing why. She used the wolf’s body as leverage to get on her feet again, rinsing her mouth and moving to the bed, burying her face in Lexa’s pillow and a sob instantly started building in her throat, Lexa’s scent was fading.

 

Abby entered the room with her medical bag and kneeled besides Raven’s curled up figure, telling Octavia she could go. The doctor checked Raven all over and then sighed.

 

“What?” Raven said, her tired eyes looking up at the older woman. “Is the baby okay?”

 

“I am sure it is fine, but I am afraid this isn’t morning sickness, I don’t think your symptoms have much to do with the pregnancy, Raven.” Abby said, her face serious. “I think it was a mistake for you to stay here.” Abby said, and Raven blinked the blurriness out of her vision, looking up at Abby with confusion.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“In the Ark it didn’t happen because couples were never too far from each other, but here... Indra says it happens when the warriors leave to fight and their mates stay behind, they call it mate sickness.”

 

“You are telling me I am sick because Lexa isn’t here? Are you kidding me? You were the one who told her it would be better for me to stay to begin with!” Raven said, enraged, furious at Abby for telling Lexa she’d be safer at the Mountain, angry at Lexa for leaving, angry at herself for crying so much, she felt like she couldn’t stop.

 

“I didn’t know you were bonding with her, if I had known I would have never suggested for you to stay. I thought you still hated her for Finn, I thought you were only tolerating her because I told you you had to act like her wife”

 

“We aren’t bonding, she hasn’t marked me.” Raven said, not understanding what Abby was saying.

 

“The mark does not create the bond, trust, intimacy, care for one another creates the bond, and you are pregnant, that must be aggravating the symptoms.”

 

“I am not in love with her, Abby!” Raven bursted out, exasperated. Abby just gave her a look and stood up, covering Raven with some blankets.

 

“I will tell a grounder healer to come check on you, I am afraid I do not know how to treat this. Try talking to Lexa more often, it may help.” Abby said, leaving the room and Raven stubbornly refused, there was no way she was sick because of their separation, it was just not possible.

 

……………

 

Lexa made it to her quarters just in time to lose all her food on a wooden bucket, Clarke grimaced a little and went to get the other alpha some water, it took some time before Lexa was finally done.

 

Clarke gently put a wet towel on the back of the Commander’s neck, feeling her cheeks, making sure there was no warmth.

 

“I’m surprised, you held that in for quite a while.” Clarke said, rubbing Lexa’s back.

 

“It was that obvious?” Lexa asked after rinsing her mouth and chewing on some mint leaves to get rid of the awful taste.

 

“You looked a little green, yes. I am sure the nightbloods don’t care, though.”

 

“I’m not worried about the nightbloods, the Ice Queen on the other hand…” Lexa said and Clarke’s eyes widened a little.

 

“You can’t fight like this, it will only get worse, this is why you’ve been so off, the mate sickness.” Clarke said and Lexa instantly covered her mouth.

 

“Be quiet Clarke, no one must know, my stomach is just upset, that’s what everyone must believe.” Lexa said, Clarke nodded and the Commander moved her hands away, sighing.

 

“What about the headaches and the lack of sleep, someone is bound to notice.”

 

“I already send Eiza for medicine, I also told her to send some things to Raven, she must be no better.” Lexa said, not even attempting to hide how upset that thought made her, not in front of Clarke. The blonde smiled and held onto the Commander’s cheek, pulling her head a little to the side so they could look at each other.

 

“This is a good thing.” Clarke said, and Lexa frowned in confusion.

 

“I don’t see how, Clarke.”

 

“Well, if you are suffering from mate sickness is because your bond with her is forming, and it can only form if she cares about you, too.” Clarke said, a little smile on her lips as she watched the information dawn on Lexa. “Maybe she doesn’t love you yet, but your feelings are somewhat reciprocated, if they weren’t you wouldn’t be sick.”

 

Lexa didn’t react and Clarke smiled, curling an arm around the Commander’s shoulders.

 

“Why aren’t you happy right now?”

 

“Caring for a Commander is not easy, Clarke.” Lexa said and the blonde nodded.

 

“I would know, but loving Lexa is easy, and that makes loving the Commander much less complicated.” Clarke said, running her hand gently down Lexa’s braids.

 

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, her voice as hesitant as the look in her eyes.

 

“Yes.” Clarke said, smiling slightly as she leaned in to peck the Commander’s lips.

 

Lexa held onto the back of Clarke’s neck, keeping her close, their foreheads pressed together gently.

 

“That doesn’t make it any less dangerous.” Lexa said, her thumb gently brushing Clarke’s cheek.

 

“No, but I am Wanheda, people want me dead anyway.” Clarke said, stealing another quick peck before pulling away and taking the liberty of laying on Lexa’s bed, pulling the Commander with her.

 

“Have you thought about what I asked you?” Lexa asked, and breathing got just a little harder for the blonde.

 

“Do I have a set amount of time to think about it?” Clarke asked and Lexa shook her head.

 

“No, you can think about it for as long as you want. I just don’t know if I can do this.” Lexa said, rolling on top of Clarke’s body and leaning down, leaving her lips hovering over the blonde’s, just inches apart. “I want to kiss you Clarke, very much, but I would not dare to disrespect you.”

 

“You are sick, Lex.” Clarke said, keeping her hands low on the Commander’s waist.

 

“That might be so, but that doesn’t make me want you, care for you, any less.” Lexa said, her eyes dark as they darted between Clarke’s lips and her eyes. “I want to taste your lips, but I don’t want to make you feel like anything less than what you really are to me.”

 

Clarke couldn’t hold back the big smile that spread across her face, she could feel the heat on her cheeks and she could see perfectly how the light slowly flooded Lexa’s eyes, like the sunrise.

 

“Who would have known the Commander is such a romantic.” Clarke said, her stomach fluttering at Lexa’s tiny smile and bashful look. “Come here, kiss me.” 

 

Lexa didn’t need her to say anything else, she leaned down, eyes closed and heart beating fast in her chest.

 

They kissed until they couldn’t breathe.

 

“Maybe you should send for her, bring her here, it would make you feel better.” Clarke said as soon as she had her breath under control.

 

“Not while the Ice Queen is here.” Lexa said, placing one last kiss on Clarke’s lips before rolling off her.

 

“You should take it ease then, I know you don’t have any more meetings today until late afternoon, try to rest.”

 

“What will you do?” Lexa asked, looking at Clarke with a worried frown as the blonde took off her boots and covered Lexa with warm furs.

 

“I will go explore Polis.” Clarke said, only half lying.

 

“Clarke, please do not leave the tower without your guards.” Lexa said, her eyes pleading.

 

“Of course not, I will be back really soon.”

 

“Before dark.” Lexa said and the blonde nodded, leaning down to place a kiss on the Commander’s forehead before leaving.

  
  
  


Of course she left without her guards.

 

……………….

 

“Eiza, do you know where the Flamekeeper’s temple is?” Clarke asked, watched the young girl stiffen and shake her head rapidly.

 

“You must not be afraid, Heda wants me to go there and see if I can find more evidence about the possible crimes the Flamekeeper could have committed.”

 

“Heda ordered you to go there, Wanheda?” 

 

“Yes, Heda knows she can trust me and you, so she sent me to you, saying that you would give me the right directions, she is too busy to take me herself.” 

 

“Of course, Wanheda, Heda has much to do, come, I will take you to the Flamekeeper’s sacred rooms.” the girl said.

 

Clarke pulled up her hood and covered her face with a long black cloth, telling Eiza she didn’t want to be recognized as they left the tower, they didn’t walk long until they came to a stop at house entirely made out of concrete, probably one of the few that had survived the bombings.

People were walking around, not giving them a second glance as they talked, the city was full of life, Clarke could see it, feel it, and dreaded the moment she would have to go back to the graveyard that was the Mountain.

 

The house was sheltered, hiding behind others, kept away of prying eyes and Clarke noticed a problem as soon as she saw the front of the house.

 

“Eiza, take me to the other entrance.” Clarke said, not really knowing if there was another way in, but hoping there was. “The Flamekeeper was unable to tell us about the location of the key.”

 

“Of course, Wanheda.” the girl said at once, taking Clarke to the back of the house and making sure there was no one around before opening a trap door that was closely pressed to the ground, Clarke knew it probably led to a basement.

 

“Thank you, Eiza.” Clarke said, giving the girl a court nod. “Now, I need you to make sure no one bothers Heda, she intended to meditate, she has many things on her mind as I am sure you know.”

 

Eiza nodded rapidly, bowed a little to Clarke and then left. 

 

The blonde made her way down the trap door slowly, everything was dark and she couldn’t see anything. She soon tripped and fell forwards, feeling her head hit something that felt weirdly like metal. She pushed herself away and into a sitting position reaching for a flashback in her bag and turning it on, pointing the light towards the thing her head had made contact with.

 

She gasped and a moment later she was reaching for her radio.

 

…………….

 

“For fucks sake Raven, answer me!” came Clarke’s aggravated voice through Raven’s radio.

 

“oh I am sorry Princess I was busy puking my guts out.” Raven said angrily as she put the radio close to her mouth.

 

“There is a pod Raven, one just like the one you came in, except it has the Polaris name on the side.”

 

“What?!”

 

“Yes, except the A and the R were burnt off, do you see what that leaves?”

 

“Polis.” The mechanic said, her mind instantly firing off ideas.

 

“There is also a suit with a Commander patch on it.” Clarke said and Raven slowly sat up.

“You have to be fucking kidding me.” Raven said, her temples pounding with pain. “Are you telling me that the entire grounder society is based on Polaris, the 13th Station? You have to be fucking kidding me.”

 

“There are drawings on the walls too, a woman standing atop a bunch of rubble, people worshipping her, fire everywhere.”

 

“So we can assume that the first Commander was Skaikru, I am going to have such a good time telling Titus all of this, imagine what the other clans will do when they find out, assholes.” Raven said, daring to take some sips of water before resting her back against the metal wall behind the bed.

 

“Don’t you see, Raven, this is why Lexa has that symbol on the back of her neck, the Flame came from Polaris lab, whoever came down before the Station was destroyed must have brought it down with them. Their whole religion and leadership system is based on a piece of tech Skaikru made. Raven, they can’t know about this, war would surely break out, no one would believe in the Commander anymore and Lexa would surely be executed.” Clarke said and Raven could clearly hear the panic in her voice.

 

“Okay, calm down, no one has to know but us, things will remain as they are if we only keep our mouth shuts and Lexa will be fine, all we need now is info on the Flame, try to look around and see if you find anything else.”

 

“Okay, I will reach out when I find something.”

 

Two hours passed before the blonde reached out to Raven again.

 

“I’ve got nothing, there are books, history books, they tell what happened since the first Commander fell from the sky, but nothing on the Flame and I can’t keep looking, I told Lexa I would be back before dark.”

 

“Okay, now that you know where Titus’ sacred little house is you can go back later. I will reach out tonight, okay? I will do more research on Becca’s work, after all the Flame came from her lab, maybe I will find out something that tells me more about how it works.”

 

“Okay, see you then, Rae.” Clarke said, putting her radio away, going up the stone steps and opening the trap door, she had only managed to get the half top of her body out when a hooded figure struck her across the face with a wooden stick, rendering her instantly unconscious.

 

……………….

 

Lexa woke up because of a commotion outside her room, she ignored her headache and the sudden bile that rushed up her throat, putting on her boots and her coat before opening her door. Her guards were having a heated discussion with Eiza.

 

“What is the meaning of this?”

 

“We needed to talk to you Heda, someone broke into the Flamekeeper’s sacred rooms and this Beta wouldn’t let us in to tell you and ask you how to proceed.” The gona said, looking at Eiza with a sneer on his face.

 

“Wanheda had orders from Heda to go to the Flamekeeper’s temple, you had no right to imprison her!” Eiza said. Her words struck Lexa like lightning and she fought to control her expression.

 

“We did not know it was Wanheda! She was hiding her appearance, dressed like a bandit, and if she had permission from Heda, why was she sneaking out from the back instead of leaving through the front entrance!” the gona said, rising his voice, Lexa took advantage of the argument to decide what she would do.

 

She knew Clarke had been in Titus Temple, she knew Eiza believed she was there under her orders, she knew Clarke had lied to both her and Eiza, and that she was imprisoned after being mistaken as a bandit by her gonas.

 

“Enough!” Lexa snapped.

 

“Take me to Wanheda, I indeed sent her to visit Titus Temple and I will only forgive your mistake because you did not know it was her.” Lexa said and the gona nodded, hesitant to look at her.

 

“It was an accident Heda, she wasn’t wearing the sash that shows her position as leader of Skaikru, we didn’t know who she was until after we struck her.”

 

In seconds the gona was against the wall, Lexa’s hand wrapped around his neck, the clouds of angry pheromones she let out making a wet spot develop on the gona’s pants. The rest of them fell to her knees exposing their necks in submission, all except Eiza, who as a Beta wasn’t to affected by Lexa, or any other alpha.

 

“You. Did. What?” Lexa hissed out, teeth bared as her hand pressed hard against the gona’s windpipe.

 

“Nothing serious Heda, just a strike to the head, nothing else.” The man mumbled his face getting red as he fought to take a breath.

 

“Do you realize you just injured Wanheda, the Mountain Slayer?” My mate, Lexa wanted to say, but didn’t, biting the inside of her cheek until it bled.

 

“We didn’t know it was her Heda, it was an accident, I apologize, Heda.” The man said, his eyes watering when Lexa only squeezed harder.

 

“It is true Heda, Wanheda was covering her face and hair, there was no way of knowing it was her.” Eiza said quietly, hesitant, and only after hearing the tremble in her voice did Lexa let go of the man’s throat, walking as fast as she could to the underground cells where she knew Clarke was being held.

 

Lexa found her sitting with her knees up, her head tilted down. Clarke knew she was coming, the scent of her fury giving her away long before she came close to her cell.

 

“Open the doors.” Lexa ordered and the gona guarding Clarke’s cell did as told quickly. Lexa moved inside, grabbed Clarke by the arm and pulled her all the way to her rooms without letting go.

 

When they got there Lexa made Clarke sit on the bed, tilting her chin up and staring at the red dried blood that had stained Clarke’s pale skin. The Commander soaked a cloth with water, sitting next to Clarke and cleaning her wound gently.

 

“I know you're mad at me, I am sorry.” Clarke said and right then the Commander stood up, throwing the cloth violently to the ground.

 

“You lied to me, you lied to Eiza, and you made me lie to my gona, you are lucky they went to immobilize and not to kill. You broke the law, Clarke, to me you don’t sound sorry, you sound like you are trying to get yourself killed.” Lexa said, her eyes hard as they stared into Clarke’s own.

 

“There is a reason for all of this!” Clarke said, her voice raising as she stood up to face Lexa, refusing to let her take control. “Raven and I, we have been making research around the Flame and we are so close to figuring out what it is!”

 

“The Flame is the spirit of the Commander, nothing else, and no one asked any of you to do research on it. The Flame is to be respected and valued.” Lexa said, clenching her jaw tight.

 

“The Flame is a piece of tech!” Clarke snapped, shouting, her face getting red with exasperation. “All of your beliefs are based on a thing, on object, that came from a space station called Polaris, the Flame was created by a Skaikru woman, and it is nothing but a very advanced piece of tech.” Clarke said, her voice loud as she tried to make Lexa understand.

 

The alpha’s face froze in shock and Clarke watched all the fight being drained right out of her.

 

“What?” Lexa whispered, the disbelief clear in her voice.

 

Clarke proceeded to explain everything she had found with Raven, what she had found in the Ark’s documents, in Lexa’s tests, what they had gathered from Lexa’s tattoo and the scar behind her neck.

 

“It is just tech, Lexa.” Clarke said after she had finished the whole story, her tone much calmer, her head pulsing with pain even if it wasn’t bleeding anymore. “It interacts with your consciousness and stores information, giving you access to the one it already had from the previous Commanders. Their spirits aren’t there, just copies of their thought process, of everything they knew, but it isn’t really them.”

 

At some point during Clarke’s explanation Lexa had sat down on a wooden chair placed by the bed, now she was just there, staring at the floor as Clarke’s words dawned on her one at a time. Slowly, everything that Lexa believed in was torn down, it crashed and it burnt, everything was a lie.

 

Clarke watched as Lexa stood up slowly, her movements stiff and tense, her face stoic and void of all emotion. The blonde tried to get a sense of what Lexa was feeling through her scent but she couldn’t feel anything.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke said, and that seemed to snap the alpha out of her trance.

 

Lexa roared, grabbing the chair she had just been sitting on a throwing it against the nearest wall as hard as she could. With a shout of pure rage she moved towards the table, throwing all the papers and maps to the ground before picking it up and smashing the table against the floor, the wood splintered and flew everywhere, threatening to hit the 2 occupants of the room, but Lexa didn’t care as she continued to destroy the room.

 

Clarke could only stare from the bed, covering her head with her arms when a piece of wood came too close to her, her heart breaking at what she was seeing, at seeing Lexa snap like that.

 

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the Commander’s room was in ruins, and Lexa fell to her knees in the middle of the destruction, her shoulders dropped in defeat, staring at her hands like she didn’t understand they belonged to her.

 

Clarke moved to her side at once, kneeling beside her and wrapping an arm around her shoulders, placing a soft kiss on the side of her face.

 

“I killed my brothers and sisters for a piece of tech.” Lexa said, her voice steady and low, her face twisted in pain.

 

“You didn’t know.” Clarke whispered, but Lexa didn’t seem to listen.

 

“Costia is dead because I have a piece of tech stuck inside my head.”

 

“Lexa, please…” Clarke said, holding onto the other alpha’s shoulders, not really knowing what she was asking for.

 

“They took me from my mama, just so I could fight other children over a piece of tech.” Lexa whispered. Her face went blank a second later, her body went rigid, she pulled away from Clarke and stood up. “Eiza!” Lexa called and the young girl instantly made her way inside the room, her eyes widened at all the destruction.

 

“Yes, Heda?”

 

“Cancel all my meetings and have someone clean all of this, I do not want you to attempt to do it on your own. I want it to be spotless by the time I come back.”

 

“But Heda, your meeting with the Ice Queen…”

 

“Can wait for as long as I desire to.” Lexa said, Eiza nodded and left the room. Lexa moved to do the same but Clarke grabbed her arm.

 

“Lexa, wait!” the blonde tried, but the other alpha snatched her arm away from the blonde’s wrasp.

 

“I’ve heard enough for today, Clarke, go back to your room, a healer will be waiting to check on your wound.” Lexa said and Clarke saw in her stance, in her attitude, that there was no way of changing her mind, so she nodded and let Lexa go.

 

…………..

 

“Raven, I think I fucked up.” Clarke said, it was nighttime, Lexa wasn’t back and the blonde had no idea what to do.

 

“What happened?”

 

“I told Lexa everything.”

 

“What?!” Raven said, her voice loud through the radio. “I thought we agreed on not telling anyone.”

 

“That was before someone hit me over the head and threw me in a cell for sneaking out of Titus sacred rooms.” the blonde said. “They brought me straight to Lexa, I didn’t know what to say.”

 

“Shit, Griff, are you okay?”

 

“Yeah, just a minor concussion at worst. I am just worried about Lexa.” Clarke said, sighing.

 

“Did you get checked already?” Raven asked and Clarke huffed getting frustrated quickly.

 

“Why are you not listening to me?”

 

“Because there is no way in hell Lexa would have taken that in a good way, in a single day you brought down to the ground everything she knew and believed in, we can’t fix that tonight, but we can at least do something for your head wound, so I will ask again, did you get checked already?”

 

“I sent the grounder away and did the stitches myself, just 4 of them on my temple, nothing serious.” Clarke said.

 

“Okay, just make sure to take care of yourself, you need to be at your best now that you fucked Lexa up.”

 

“Thanks Raven, that is exactly what I needed to hear.” Clarke said, closing her eyes and throwing her arm over them.

 

“It’s not like I’m lying, she’s gonna be fighting to the death in a few days, your timing couldn’t have been worse.”

 

“I didn’t plan this, Raven! Weren’t you worried about me just a second ago?” Clarke snapped, not needing the Mechanic to make her feel more guilty than she already felt.

 

“Yes, but you told me you are fine so I am worried about Lexa now.” Raven said, sighing loudly, “I am sorry Clarke, I just wish I was there, for both of you.”

 

“Me too, I am sure you would have said something inappropriate already and she would have smiled.”

 

“You can help her just fine on your own, Clarke, you will find a way, I am sure. Keep me updated, okay, I have to go back to the control room.”

 

“Still working on the self destruct mechanism?”

 

“Yeah, haven’t managed to disable it yet, but I found something interesting once we did a search on Cage’s office. I hacked his computer and in it we found the missile codes.” Raven said.

 

“That’s great, have you disabled them yet?”

 

“No.”

 

“Raven,” Clarke said in a warning tone. “You know it is what Lexa wanted.”

 

“She can’t decide on her own, the Mountain is ours.”

 

“It became hers when you married her Reyes, you said so yourself.” Clarke said.

 

“There is still time for prenups, I am sure.” Raven said, smiling a little when she heard Clarke sigh. “Okay, okay, calm down, I will see what I can do.”

 

“You better, I will let you go now, don’t stay up all night working.”

 

“No promises.” Raven said.

 

And surely that night she stayed awake, not because she was working, but because she couldn’t stop thinking about Lexa and how she was doing after everything Clarke had told her. 

 

The next morning when Raven woke up there was a package waiting for her, from Polis.

 

“The rider said he wasn’t allowed to stop until her got here, he is exhausted.” Abby said as she brought her the box, giving Raven a knowing smile before she left.

 

Inside Raven found a few long sleeved black shirts that she knew belonged to Lexa and a dark brown leather jacket that she knew the Commander used for hunting, favoring its short length over the coat’s long length. They were drenched in Lexa’s scent, Raven shivered as she brought them close to her face, her skin was covered in goosebumps as warmth spread across her face.

 

Raven shrugged off her sleeping shirt and put on the long sleeve, it was a little lose, there was not an ounce of fat in Lexa’s body, but the muscle in her arms, back and shoulders made her clothes just a little bit bigger than Raven’s. The Mechanic couldn’t help but moan a little in content as she buried her nose in the jacket’s neck, breathing in deeply just were Lexa’s scent was stronger, the jacket had a hood and it’s insides were lined with the softest fur Raven had ever touched in her life. The omega curled in bed with the articles of clothing, trying to make herself believe that she only felt that way because of her pregnancy, nothing else. Deep down she knew she was lying to herself, the mate sickness was proof enough.

 

After dozing off with Lexa’s jacket in her arms she woke up and noticed there was something else inside the box, a smaller one, made of wood. Inside Raven found several flasks and a note.

 

**_Raven,_ **

 

**_I am sure you are not faring much better than I, I apologize, I did not think this would happen, if I had known I would have never left you. Be sure I won’t make the same mistake again. It is my intention to come back to you as soon as I am able, until then please have this medicine my best healers have made, they will help with the mate sickness and you will feel better, take one every morning and every night. Please, forgive this mistake, I see now that I shouldn’t have left you behind._ **

 

**_I hope Bouda and Vulcan are taking good care of you, and I look forward to the day I see you again._ **

 

**_-Lexa_ **

 

Raven held the note close to her chest as she lay back down on the bed, and with Lexa’s scent surrounding her she finally managed to get a whole night of sleep.

 

……………….

 

There was no way to miss the tension in the Polis tower, the Ice Queen’s presence had everyone on edge, she constantly walked around the tower with her warriors, she walked around the market making sure everyone knew she was there and with every day that passed Clarke grew more and more anxious, even more so now that Lexa was basically a walking corpse, they talked about their clans, their laws, trading, farming, political matters, but every time Clarke or Raven tried to approach the subject of the Flame the other alpha would pull back, refusing to talk about it. She had only told them to not mention it to anyone else, nothing more.

 

Clarke feared Lexa would do something stupid during her fight with Roan, Prince of Azgeda, she wasn’t okay and as the duel got nearer fear started clogging her throat. Which drove her to make really stupid decisions, like trying to poison the Ice Queen with a knife only to have the girl that followed Nia around all day, the supposed handmaiden, put her on her back with that same knife against her throat.

 

Clarke walked back to Lexa’s room, humiliated and defeated, her face stained by blood that looked just light Lexa’s.

 

“You can’t fight, a Commander from the Ice Nation would mean chaos for all of us and you know that.” Clarke said, her eyes on Lexa’s back, the other alpha had turned away from her just as she had finished retelling her encounter with Nia.

 

“Only if I lose.” Lexa said. “What you did was reckless, in less than a week you have risked your life twice, you might be Wanheda, Clarke, and you by be Skaikru’s Ambassadors, but that doesn’t mean you will continue to go unpunished if you keep breaking the law, if Nia brings this matter to me you will have to face the consequences.”

 

“But she won’t do that!” Clarke shouted, “She won’t do that because she is too focused on getting rid of you, on taking control of the Coalition, how can you be so calm?” 

 

“If my destiny is to die in that battle then I die, things are how they are, Clarke, my position within the Coalition has already being threatened, my people think me weak already, I can not pull back from the fight now as it would result in my death either way, so I will fight, and you won’t be able to stop me.” Lexa said, unable to see how Clarke’s eyes flooded with tears, the blonde left Lexa’s room in rush, closing the door with a loud bang and leaving the Commander alone with her thoughts.

 

……………………

 

“For a second there…” Clarke said, glancing up at Lexa and then back at the deep slash across her hand. “...I thought you would let him kill you.”

 

“I thought the same.” Lexa said and the seriousness in her tone made Clarke’s breath hitch. “I would have let him if you hadn’t been there watching.” Lexa said, watching as tears fell slowly down Clarke’s cheeks, hitting the fresh bandage covering the wound on her hand. “I have never felt this lost, Clarke, I do not know what to do, or what to think, but I do remember how I felt when I found Costia’s head by my bedside.” Lexa gently cupped Clarke’s cheek, brushing away her tears with her thumb. Clarke held onto her arm like a lifeline, afraid to let go. “I might be lost Clarke, I might not know what my path is anymore, I might not know what my role means anymore, but I know that I love you, and I would never willingly allow you to suffer the way I did when Costia died.”

 

Clarke moved forwards, burying her face in Lexa’s neck, hugging her tightly with her arms curled around her shoulders. Her heart finally finding solace when Lexa hugged her back, just as tight.

 

“I will marry you.” Clarke whispered, her voice watery and shaky. Lexa pulled away to look into her eyes, the Commander’s own were wide, surprised, it was the most emotion Clarke had seen in them since she told her about the Flame.

 

“You don’t need to tell me now, you can have more time to think, you can have all the time you need.” Lexa said, pushing blonde strands of blonde hair behind Lexa’s ear.

 

“No Lexa, we don’t have time, there is always another war, another battle to fight, another danger, and if I am going to die then I want to die as your wife.” Clarke said, her eyes moving quickly all over Lexa’s face.

 

“You are sure?” Lexa asked, and instead of answering Clarke moved onto her lap and kissed all her doubts away.

 

They ended up in Clarke’s bed, completely bare, a thin layer of sweat covering their bodies. Lexa’s hand was below her waist, teasing her clit gently, her fingers sliding easily over the wetness that had gathered there, fingers teasing over the blonde’s entrance.

 

Clarke whimpered, moaning into Lexa’s mouth as they kissed, the blonde wouldn’t let her get too far, but she couldn’t ignore the way her walls clenched around nothing, she couldn’t stand feeling so empty while having Lexa so close.

 

“I need you inside.” Clarke gasped, her legs tensing, her body threatening to fall over the edge with Lexa’s constant and unrelenting ministrations against her clit.

 

“You are sure?” Lexa asked again, pulling away to look into Clarke’s eyes.

 

The blonde pulled the other alpha into a warm kiss, slow and deep, her chest warm with the feeling of Lexa’s tongue against hers, with how gentle the other alpha was being.

 

“Yes, I am sure.” Clarke said, and mere seconds later she felt Lexa’s fingers make their way inside of her. She moaned, her toes curling and her back arching against Lexa’s chest as the pads of Lexa’s fingers brushed against a very sensitive spot on her front wall. 

 

Clarke’s nails sank on the skin covering Lexa’s shoulders, her need to have some sort of control driving her hips faster and harder against Lexa’s fingers, driving her legs to curl around Lexa’s hips and pull her impossibly closer.

 

Lexa slipped another finger inside Clarke’s hot channel, adding strength to her thrusts, watching as Clarke’s cries of pleasure got louder, her mouth taking the shape of an o and her eyes opening sharply as Lexa nudged her clit with her thumb just as her fingers thrusted as hard as they could inside of her. Their eyes met and a second later Clarke fell over the edge, whimpers tumbling out of her mouth as her nerves were consumed by waves of pleasure. Lexa leaned down placing warm kisses all over Clarke’s face as her fingers gently helped Clarke through the aftershocks of her orgasm.

 

“Stay with me for the rest of the night.” Clarke asked, once she could breathe properly again. Lexa smiled down at her, placing a kiss on her lips before nodding.

 

“I will, Clarke.”

 

…………………...

Even if the Ice Queen was dead and the Ice Nation now had a new King, hopefully a just one, Lexa couldn’t go back to the Mountain as fast as she would have liked to. Roan, as the new monarch, had a number of things to talk about with Lexa, mostly in regards of the deals his mother had denied. It was no secret that the Ice Nation was the most hostile territory there was, some of their lands even remained perpetually covered in white for more than six months at a time and his mother, while trying to pretend and to show the other clans that Azgeda could sustain itself with little to no help had made their people suffer, making them live in poor conditions while she kept all the commodities to herself. It made the people bitter, violent, fighting each other for resources. Roan wanted to end all of that and for that they had to convince the other ambassadors to give Azgeda more than what they were giving them already, to give them what Lexa had originally offered before the Ice Queen had stubbornly denied.

 

The Commander knew Azgeda’s army was only as strong as it was because the Ice Queen would first take care of her needs and then the needs of her army, leaving other areas like hunting, trading and farming weak. The Commander also knew that convincing the other clans to give more than they already did would be difficult, even more so because Roan couldn’t offer enough to pay them back.

 

Besides that there was also the fact that Titus was back on his feet, guarded at all times, and Lexa would not let him choose his apprentice, which meant she had to choose one herself, someone she could trust. The task had been more difficult than she had imagined it would be, she didn’t know who to choose, and that kept Titus from starting the training, which in time kept Lexa from killing him, which bothered her greatly, she was wary, worried about what he could do to Raven, to their child, and even Clarke. Lexa needed him gone and for that she needed to find a proper apprentice.

 

Her distrust towards Titus also meant that she wouldn’t let him anywhere near the Nightbloods which in turn meant that their training had been lacking for as long as she was away, as she had been unable to cover for Titus’ absence.

 

There was much to do and without Titus’ help, Lexa was finding it hard to balance it all.

 

But she had Clarke and Raven. The Mechanic would wake them every morning by singing through the radio until they both woke up, Clarke would roll her eyes, kiss Lexa good morning and go wash herself, giving Lexa and Raven some time to talk to each other privately. Those mornings always gave Lexa strength.

 

“You should take a day off.” Raven said one day, two weeks after Lexa had left, one week after she had fought Roan and killed the Ice Queen. “Why don’t you go visit the kids at the orphanage? I know you like doing that, last time I went to visit with Clarke they asked us about you, said that they missed playing war with you. Or at least that’s what Clarke could pick up with her bad Trig. Someone should teach those kids english.”

 

“Or maybe you both should let Trigedasleng.”

 

“Whatever Lexa, just go, I can feel your exhaustion all the way here, taking 30 minutes of your day to visit them and play pretend battles won’t hurt anyone.”

 

“I agree.” Clarke said as she made her way around the room in only a towel, smiling a little when she saw that Lexa wouldn’t move her head any lower than her face.

 

“Just go, Lexa. And remember you have to be back here in 4 weeks for the ultrasound.”

 

“I am sorry, Raven, I have not forgotten, I think about it every day, I will be there.”

 

“Why don’t you send for someone to bring her here?” Clarke asked once Lexa had put the radio down. “The Ice Queen is dead, I know she was the main reason why you didn’t bring Raven to begin with.”

 

“Because Titus is still here, and I am not bringing Raven anywhere near him, and because Raven and the boy, Monty, have been unable to disable the self destruct mechanism, they have recently found a way to change the code, and at this point I am afraid that that will be the only solution.” Lexa said, wrapping her arms around Clarke’s waist and leaning her head against her shoulder.

 

“That wouldn’t be so bad, Raven could be the only one with the code and when she dies the code would die with her and our people would be safe.” Clarke said, rubbing Lexa’s back gently.

 

“It wouldn’t be bad, but it wouldn’t be ideal either, with how things are going it seems like we will have to settle, Raven has done what she can.” Lexa said, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s lips before pulling away. “I will go to the orphanage, if you accept to cover my lesson with the Nightbloods.”

 

“You got a deal.” Clarke said, pushing Lexa towards the door, “Go.”

 

………………

 

A small army of kids ran towards her as soon as she stepped food in the orphanage, Lexa crouched down, doing her best to take them all into her arms as they latched onto her body, cries of Heda going on all around.

 

Lexa took her time to greet them all, to talk to them all, and then she did her best to cover their faces in different styles of war paint, once she was done they split in two groups and played war with tiny wooden swords.

 

A five year old boy ran towards her, sword drawn, and with a loud cry he pushed his sword onto Lexa’s stomach. The Commander faked an expression of shock, holding her stomach and falling to the ground with her eyes closed, not moving an inch and holding her breath.

 

“You killed Heda!” Someone screamed and instantly all the kids moved to clamor around her, Lexa could feel them, their heavy breathing loud with panic.

 

“No, I didn’t”

 

“Yes, you did!” the kids started fighting. And suddenly Lexa sprung to her feet with a shout, scaring them all, the kids ran away and the Commander laughed, falling to her knees and motioning them to come closer.

 

“Not fair, Heda!”

 

“You don’t give your back to your enemies strik gonas, you were distracted fighting each other and gave me time to get up, if this was real I would have had time to hurt you, and I don’t want you to get hurt, so the lesson is…”

 

“We can’t give our backs to our enemies.” One of the boys said.

 

“And we can’t get distracted.” Said the other, Lexa nodded, caressing their heads before telling all the children to go eat.

 

She was left alone for a moment, watching the children run towards the dining table, thinking about her own child.

 

“Heda.” An older boy said in greeting, Lexa couldn’t put a finger on his age, he looked very thin, scrawny almost, but also very tall, dark wavy hair was falling against his forehead, almost covering his eyes, cut a little lower on the sides. Lexa nodded at him and watched as he started to pick up the mess the kids had made.

 

“I don’t believe I have met you before? Who are you?” Lexa said, in trigedasleng, knowing that the boy was no warrior and that because of that he didn’t know english.

 

“Robin, Heda, I have lived here since I was 4 years old.” the boy said, looking nervous, he didn’t look at Lexa in the eye and because of that the Commander hadn’t gotten to see what color they were.

 

“Why haven’t I met you before? I come here often enough.”

 

“I do not do well with people Heda, I preferred staying inside while you were playing with the rest of the kids.” the boy said, and Lexa nodded in understanding.

 

“Why didn’t you avoid me now?”

 

“The caretaker told me I would have no dinner if I didn’t come clean up.” The boy smiled a little, “I am quite hungry, Heda.”

 

“Why don’t you come walk around Polis with me? I have some time to have a pastry with you Robin, if you want.” Lexa said, and the boy looked up, eyes wide in surprise, they had this bright honey color, with specks of gold that reminded Lexa of the sun rays.

 

“I do not wish to bother you, Heda.”

 

Lexa shook her head and walked outside of the orphanage with the boy, they got to the stall where the pastries got sold, the woman that run it smiled at Lexa with familiarity, already knowing what Lexa was going to ask for.

 

“What do you want, Robin?” Lexa asked and the boy looked around not knowing what to say.

 

“I do not know, I have never tried any of these.”

 

“That’s okay, you can have one of my favorites then.” Lexa said, asking for another, smiling kindly at the woman when she refused to take anything Lexa offered for trade.

 

Lexa watched the boy take a bite, watched his eyes get big again and then close in content. He then started eating with extremely small bites, Lexa knew he didn’t want the small pastry to ever end.

 

“What interest you Robin? Have you tried to look for a First? maybe become a warrior in the future?”

 

“No Heda, I am not too fond of violence, I think I wish to stay in the Orphanage, help the caretaker with the kids, she has been good to me.” Robin said, licking his lips, Lexa nodded.

 

“And do you usually go around with a book tucked in your pants, Robin?” Lexa asked, watching the boy blush and then nod.

 

“I do, my mother gave it to me, said my name comes from it.” the boy said, taking the book and offering it to the Commander. “I believe that word is my name.” Robin said, Lexa stared at the front of the book, worn, a little broken, carefully kept together by the boy.

 

“This one.” Lexa said, knowing that the boy had been pointing at the wrong word. The boy blushed even further and looked down.

 

“Don’t be ashamed, reading is not something that was taught to you.”

 

“It should be, I think.” Robin said, and Lexa looked at him with surprise. The boy took it the wrong way and looked away again. “Apologies Heda, I did not mean to say something wrong.”

 

“You didn’t, I was merely surprised, I do not know any other person that believes reading should be taught, most people don’t find it useful.” Lexa said, watching the boy frown.

 

“We won’t know if it’s useful until we read the books, and we won’t be able to read the books if we do not know how to read.” Robin said, and Lexa’s mouth curled a little upwards.

 

“I believe you are right, Robin.” Lexa said, and again the boy blushed and looked away, for an entirely different reason. “There are few people who are able to read, Commanders, Flamekeepers, some leaders of the rest of the clans, and now the Skaikru, all of them read, better than we can even imagine.”

 

“That’s amazing Heda, maybe someday one of them would be able to help me read my book?”

 

“Most of the Skaikru are kind people, intelligent too, I don’t see why they would deny.” Lexa said, just as they made it back to the entrance of the orphanage, they sat down outside of it, watching the people of Polis go around.

 

“Is it safe for you to walk around without guards, Heda?” Robin asked. “Won’t someone try to hurt you?”

 

“Someone might, but my guards are around, they just are very discreet, I can see them, and if you get the right training you will be able to see them, too.” Lexa said and Robin nodded, brushing his hair back, away from his forehead and then rubbing his hands against one another, every day it got colder and colder. Lexa felt bad for making him go outside as she looked at the red tips of his ears, she stood up to a near stall and traded one of her knives for a simple black hat. The man who ran the stall didn’t think Heda’s knife was only worth a hat and so he gave her a matching scarf and gloves.

 

Lexa went back to Robin and offered the items to him, only then did Lexa sense his scent, or the lack of it, a beta. He tried to deny, but Lexa just stared at him until her put on the hat, gloves and scarf.

 

“Is it getting this cold inside, Robin?”

 

“No Heda, the orphanage is warm, I was just unprepared for this weather, it has been getting colder since the sun started to go down.” Robin said, looking down at his hands, marveling at the soft sensation of the fabric that now surrounded his fingers.

 

“Robin, would you like to be Flamekeeper?” Lexa asked, wondering if she would ever find another soul as lost and as lonely as his, it reminded her of her own and she saw in his eyes that he could become so much more.

 

“But why me, Heda?” the boy asked, his face deadly pale, only his cheeks getting some color because of the cold.

 

“You wanted to stay in this orphanage to help the children, that shows kindness and compassion, and you could do the same with the Nightbloods. The Flamekeeper needs to know how to read and write, which few people have interest in, but you are interested, and only those who are wise and intelligent seek out knowledge instead of swords.” Lexa said, knowing that the main reason why she wanted him was because she saw something about herself in him, she never wanted to fight either. “My Flamekeeper failed me, Robin, which is why I am searching for new one, someone compassionate, wise, and strong, someone who will teach my Nightbloods to be that way as well.”

 

“But look at me Heda, I am not strong.” The boy said, his eyes sad and ashamed.

 

“You can be strong, you can train your spirit, your body, your mind, and become someone strong. As an apprentice you will get all the training you need, how to read, write, how to make strategies and understand alliances, many things, how to fight too, but only so you can defend yourself and the Nightbloods.” Lexa said, her voice calm and steady.

 

“And you Heda?”

 

“Yes, only if it is necessary.” Lexa said with a short nod.

 

“I don’t want anyone else to be Heda, I have been seeing you with the children, for years, you care for them. The orphanage was an awful place before your rule.” Robin said, he had always wanted to go and play with Commander Lexa, the greatest Commander they had ever had, but he had never been brave enough.

 

“Well, you can help me make sure my successor will do the best they can for the children, like I have done, maybe even more.” Lexa said, and Robin nodded, looking away. “I will give you this night to think about it, Robin, I am out of time, but do not fear saying no if this is not something you want to do, I will not think anything less of you. If you decide to accept I will be waiting for you tomorrow at dawn at the tower, my guards will know to let you in if you come.”

 

The boy nodded, watching the Commander walk away,

 

That night the Commander and Clarke sat in the bath together, the blonde was massaging Lexa’s shoulder and scalp after the Commander had lost her dinner shortly after eating it. The medicine helped a lot, but it did not take away the symptoms of mate sickness completely.

 

“If he accepts we will be able to go back to the Mountain in 2 weeks.” Lexa said, her eyes dropping at the feel of Clarke’s hands on the back of her neck, sometimes her fingers would brush against the scar there and Lexa would have to think about something else, she still refused to think about the Flame, to talk about it, too.

 

“Do you think he will accept?”

 

“I know he will accept.” Lexa said, groaning slightly when she felt Clarke’s hand trail down her hard abdomen and settle on her center.

 

“Congratulations, Heda.” Clarke whispered in her ear, sucking on Lexa’s neck before letting her fingers move.

 

…………………

 

The next day, right before dawn, Robin stood in front of the Polis tower, his book tucked in his pants, his bag hanging from his shoulder and the hat the Commander had giving him covering his head.

 

…………………

 

Lexa ordered someone from Skaikru to come to Polis to teach Robin how to read, and to continue teaching the Nightbloods, trying to find a way to cut their time with Titus shorter and shorter. They sent a kind girl named Harper, she gave Robin private classes, and worked with the small group of Nightbloods at once as they were more advanced. 

 

Lexa stayed for two weeks, as she told Clarke she would do, making sure Robin had stability, that he had proper clothes and was properly fed, making sure all the aspects of his training were covered by her best warriors and that he really was comfortable with the role he would take in the future. Titus didn’t approve of him and he made sure to let Lexa know, but of course the Commander paid him no mind, leaving back to the Mountain when things with the Ice Nation, with the Nightbloods and with Titus were settled.

 

Lexa glanced up from the trail, knowing she had endangered them all by making them travel at night, but she couldn’t help herself, between their traveling days and her stay in Polis she had been away from Raven, from her child, for a little less than a month, and now that she could go back to see them she found herself feeling anxious, she couldn’t get there soon enough.

 

They stopped for a moment to let the horses have some water and so the warriors could stretch their legs. Lexa stubbornly remained a top her horse, looking at her gona with a frown, to her their break was taking too long. Clarke moved close to her, sitting comfortably atop her horse with a knowing smile on her face.

 

“Is there any particular reason why you are looking at me like that, Clarke?”

 

“No Heda, I just find endearing how anxious you are to see your wife and child.” Clarke said, brushing her leg gently against Lexa’s. The Commander smiled slightly and pressed her leg back against Clarke’s, looking around to make sure.

 

“Soon she won’t be my only wife.” Lexa said and Clarke’s smile got just a little wider.

 

“You are sure Raven is okay with this?” The blonde asked, feeling unsure.

 

“She constantly expresses her excitement for having you in bed with us, if that is what you want, of course.” Lexa said, smiling as she thought about Raven’s inappropriate comments. “I do not think she has a problem with our new arrangement.”

 

“Well, I will have to give that some thought, and maybe  talk about it with her. After all I am marrying you, not her, so I am still unsure about how things will work between us.” the blonde said and Lexa nodded, moving her horse as close as possible to Clarke’s.

 

“It will work however we want it to work, if you want to keep our intimacy exclusively between the 2 of us then we will, if you want to be with Raven and I, you can. In the future, if you ever wish to, you could bond with Raven as well. Things will just work naturally Clarke, what’s important is that we all know how we feel about each other, that we have stayed true to our feelings, that we respect each other and that we have all consented to this.” Lexa said, looking around, seeing that her gona had their eyes in their surroundings, as they should, before reaching out to place her hand a top Clarke’s. The blonde nodded, giving Lexa’s hand a gentle squeeze before letting go, they had to start riding again.

 

……………

 

Raven didn’t hear the door open and close, but she felt the shift on the mattress as both Bouda and Vulcan jumped off of it, the wolves started making excited noises, Bouda going as far as letting out a loud howl that made the Mechanic groan and bury her face further in her pillow.

 

“Shof op, lukot!” Someone said quietly, trying to keep keep the wolves quiet. Raven felt instantly awake, she knew that voice. She sat up quickly to see Lexa petting Bouda’s head while Vulcan pulled playfully at her coat.

 

“Lexa?” Raven said, shocked, and the alpha looked up at her, green eyes wide and apologetic.

 

“I apologize Raven, I hoped my entrance would be quiet.” The alpha said, walking towards the bed and kneeling by its side, close to Raven, who was still just staring at her. Lexa reached for her hands with hesitance, brushing her thumbs over Raven’s skin. “How are you?” 

 

Raven seemed to react then, throwing herself at Lexa, making the alpha fall hard against the metal floors with the omega on top of her. Lexa’s eyes widened in surprise, her arms curling protectively around Raven’s waist, holding her tight. The omega buried her face in Lexa’s neck, feeling like a heavy weight had been lifted from her chest, the omega that rested inside of her sung with the return of her partner and she couldn’t stop herself from crying. Raven told herself those tears were the result of pregnancy hormones, nothing else.

 

Lexa closed her eyes, feeling at peace for the first time since she had left, her hands moving up and down Raven’s back.

 

“I am glad to see you are pleased with my return.” Lexa said, pressing the side of her face against Raven’s head.

 

“You were running out of time, for a second there I thought you wouldn’t be here for the first ultrasound.” Raven said, not moving away from Lexa.

 

“I promised I would come back and I did, two weeks early.” Lexa said, feeling Raven pull away to look down at her, their eyes met and Raven grinned.

 

“I know, I would have killed you if you hadn’t made it.” Raven said, smiling when she saw Lexa’s face turn into a frown.

 

“I’d rather go to war against the Ice Nation than face your wrath, Houmon kom Heda.” Lexa said seriously and Raven’s smile got even bigger.

 

“That’s very wise of you, Heda.” Raven said, standing up and offering Lexa a hand. “Now come to bed with me.” the omega said, knowing that Lexa must have been tired after the long trip. 

 

Raven helped Lexa take off her clothes, staring at the uncovered skin just a second too long before she helped Lexa free her hair from the braids, massaging her scalp and the back of her neck, until Lexa was letting out soft sighs of content. Only then did Raven crawl into bed, resting on her back and pulling Lexa close until the alpha was laying on her chest, her breath warm over the omega’s collarbones, her arm heavy and protective around her waist. Raven kept her hand on the back of Lexa’s neck, massaging it gently, and like that they fell asleep.

 

………….

 

Two weeks later Raven would be once again victim of Lexa’s tongue after the alpha had gotten see her child for the first time.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am still not out of my off mood, so again, I hope this chapter wasn't too bad.
> 
> Tell me what you think in the comments.
> 
> And thank you for reading.


	7. Unrest

It was an exhilarating feeling. Freeing. Powerful.

 

Raven knew she bonded with Lexa everytime they talked, every time she made the Commander smile, every time they fell asleep wrapped around each other. But there was something utterly special in the way Lexa made her fall over the edge when they were being intimate with each other.

 

Raven felt it in the way Lexa touched her, in how she barely said anything at all, but at the same time said so much with her looks, and her skin, and the brush of her lips against Raven’s neck. She felt the difference in how hard she crashed after Lexa made her reach climax.

 

Lexa was quiet in bed, she was all about soft moans and sighs, and the sexiest grunts Raven had ever heard in her life. She would bury her head between Raven’s thighs and delight herself in the sounds the omega would freely let out. Raven got to know that one of the reasons why Lexa refused to let herself come before her was because nothing gave her more pleasure than watching the omega fall apart. 

 

Raven knew it, she had seen it, realized it as she felt her body burn with Lexa’s tongue on her clit. Moans were helplessly tumbling past her lips as her back arched up with pleasure, her eyes meeting Lexa’s, the green almost completely pushed away by her blown pupils, intently looking back at Raven with the darkness that only came with desire. Lexa curled her fingers then, pushing them inside as far as she could while she gave Raven’s clit a particularly hard suck. The Mechanic’s eyes widened, her jaw dropping as a shout made it’s way past her lips, her body tensing all at once as wetness poured out of her entrance, her walls clenching uncontrollably around Lexa’s digits.

 

Raven had fallen back against the mattress, gasping, her body trembling, feeling Lexa use her tongue to gather greedily the omega’s essence. When the Mechanic opened her eyes once again Lexa was hovering over her, eyes hungry, lips and chin shining in the low light with wetness. The sight made heat bubble in the omega’s veins, her whole body shivering, hairs standing on end when Lexa leaned down to take her mouth into an open mouthed kiss. Their tongues met in the middle and the omega’s eyes rolled to the back of her head, moaning hotly against the alpha’s lips as she tasted herself on Lexa’s mouth.

 

Raven buried her nails deeply on Lexa’s shoulders as she felt the alpha suck and gently bite at her lips, their noses bumping as the alpha deepened their kiss once again, molding her mouth with Raven’s and then straightening to grind her center against the Mechanic’s.

 

Raven’s hips jolted in surprise the first time she felt Lexa’s clit bump against hers. Their legs were tangled, their centers tightly pressed together, sliding effortlessly against one another with how much wetness had gathered in between. Raven could only look up in awe, watching Lexa’s abs twitch and contract everytime the alpha rolled her hips against the omega’s, her hair fell in a mess of wild curls around her shoulders, framing Lexa’s face and gently covering Lexa’s firms breasts. Raven tried to reach out, to touch Lexa’s chest, but the alpha would have none of it, she grabbed both of Raven’s wrists and shoved them above the Mechanic’s head, squeezing them hard.

“Do not move.” Lexa said, her words coming out in a growl, leaning down to take Raven’s bottom lip between her teeth, tightening just enough to draw blood. The Mechanic whimpered in pleasure, her heart beating fast, her clit stiff to the point of pain with how aroused Lexa’s actions made her.

 

The alpha straightened once again, angling her hips with Raven’s and continuing the constant grind of their centers, their clits bumping with the constant roll of Lexa’s hips until finally the stimulation was enough to push Raven over the edge once more.

 

The Mechanic threw her head back, eyes clenched shut in pleasure, gasping the Commander’s name to the ceiling as the alpha’s hips pushed hard against hers. Lexa took it all in, collapsing on the omega’s chest, her body consumed with pleasure, triggered by the omega’s call.

 

Worried with crushing the omega, Lexa rolled them over, letting Raven’s body lay over hers as they both fought to catch their breath.

 

“Fuck!” Raven cursed, her eyes closed, her forehead pressed against the Commander’s sweaty collarbone.

 

Lexa buried her fingers in Raven’s hair, brushing it gently, her chest heaving. She let Raven’s body rest on the mattress and stood up. If Raven could have found her voice she would have asked her where she was going.

 

Lexa walked to the bathroom on shaky legs, filling up the tub she had ordered her soldiers to bring inside with the warm water the Mountain was always able to provide, she let clear drops of oil fall on the water, basking in their delicious scent for a few seconds before walking back to the room, gently picking Raven up with her strong arms. The omega hummed in content as she was put inside the tub, the warm water swallowing her whole as Lexa stepped in to sit behind her, wrapping her arms around the omega’s body.

 

Raven let herself lay against the alpha’s chest, resting her head back on Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“If you are going to fuck me like that every time we have an ultrasound we are definitely making more babies after this one.” Raven said, somehow just feeling Lexa’s amusement as the alpha moved her hand to press it over her belly, right where their baby was growing.

 

Lexa buried her face in the omega’s neck, Raven could feel she was smiling.

 

“Our baby is beautiful, Raven.” Lexa said, her tone so beautifully soft. “Their heartbeat was beautiful, and Doctor Griffin said it sounds perfect, that they are healthy, our baby is so healthy, Raven.” 

 

Raven smiled, pushing herself further against Lexa’s chest as she thought about that morning.

 

Lexa hadn’t been able to sleep the night before, Raven had known and had pretended to sleep as the alpha lay her head on her abdomen and whispered soft nothings to their baby, running her fingers over her skin and pressing kisses constantly to her belly. Raven had been overcome with emotion and had done her best to control her breathing as Lexa fell asleep just to wake up a few hours later and repeat the same process.

 

When morning came Raven had woken up to see Lexa standing by the bed already changed, and ready for the day, standing by Raven’s bedside with Bouda next to her. Raven groaned and buried her face in the pillow.

 

“It’s too early for this, Robot.”

 

“It isn’t, Doctor Griffin must be waiting for us already.” Lexa said, her impatience obvious in her annoyed tone.

 

“Doctor Griffin will be there all day, we can go later.” Raven said, curling up only to feel Lexa pick her up bridal style.

 

“Lexa!” Raven said, eyes wide open as the Commander marched around the Mountain's halls. “Haven’t you heard that patience is a virtue?”

 

“I can’t wait any longer, Raven.” Lexa said, comfortably holding Raven as she walked calmly, Bouda by her side, ignoring the weird looks the Skaikru and her gona were directing at her.

 

“Aren’t you the one saying it takes as long as it takes?” Raven said, her eyebrows arched as she patted herself on the back for actually sleeping with shorts on instead of only underwear.

 

“Not this time.” Lexa said as the med bay’s doors opened for her. Abby was standing by her desk, talking quietly to Jackson. Her eyebrows arched as soon as she saw them come in, Raven could only shrug her shoulders.

 

“Commander, good morning.” Abby said in greeting, Lexa gave her a court nod.

 

“Morning Doctor, we come to see the baby, it’s been exactly 10 weeks since conception day.” Lexa said and Abby nodded.

 

“That assuming that you got me pregnant on the first try.” Raven pointed out as she was moved onto a bed.

 

“Of course I did, we already talked about this.” Lexa said, staying glued by Raven’s side as Jackson moved a machine to the side of the bed. Raven rolled her eyes and shared a look with Abby, the doctor told Raven to move her underwear and shorts a little bit down and then squirted a bluish liquid onto her stomach, the omega hissed and instantly Lexa’s hand snapped to grab harshly at Abby’s wrist.

 

“What did you do?” The alpha growled out, teeth bared, and Abby looked up at her, eyes a little wide. Raven grabbed onto Lexa’s hand and tried to get her attention.

 

“Lex, it’s fine, this thing is just a little cold.” Raven said, scooping up a bit of the substance and smearing it across the back of Lexa’s hand. “I am fine, just let Abby go.” 

 

The alpha looked at Raven, breathing deeply before letting the Doctor’s hand go. Abby cleared her throat, rolling her wrist a little before typing and clicking on the machine, setting up Raven’s examination.

 

“I promise you this thing is completely safe, I know it is unfamiliar to you, but please trust Abby, she knows what she is doing.” Raven said, grabbing Lexa’s hand that was tightly fisted and pressed against the mattress. Raven rubbed her palm against Lexa’s fist, trying to get the tension to go away and then simply holding it gently.

 

“Okay, here we go.” Abby said as she moved the transducer around Raven’s belly and images started appearing on the screen. “There they are.” Abby said, smiling a little as she held the transducer on a specific part of Raven’s abdomen and moved the mouse on the screen. “They are about 2 inches in size right now, this over here is the head, and here the butt, this here is one tiny arm and a little lower a leg.”

 

“Oh my god.” Raven gasped, clutching Lexa’s hand as hard as she could, she had been so nonchalant about it before but seeing the baby on the screen, realizing that there was actually a life growing inside of her made her heart jump in her chest and her eyes fill with tears.

 

The omega looked away from the weird looking blood that was supposedly her baby to look at Lexa, the alpha had her eyes locked on the screen, green eyes big and wide, her mouth slightly open in shock.

 

Abby moved the transducer around and they were able to see the baby’s arms move, wiggling around. Lexa took in a shuddering breath, unable to look away as she held Raven’s hand just as hard.

 

“Everything looks just fine, are you ready for the best part?” Abby asked as she typed away. Raven nodded her head shakily and moments later the fast and steady heartbeat of the baby showed on the screen and filled the space between them.

 

Lexa couldn’t hold back a gasp, her knees getting weak as she was forced to kneel by Raven’s bedside, clutching the omega’s hand between both of hers, kissing her knuckles as tears slowly trailed down her cheeks.

 

“Are they- are they okay?” Lexa asked her eyes on the screen, her fingers caressing Raven’s hand.

 

“Their heartbeat sounds strong and steady, their size corresponds to that of a 10 week pregnancy. Everything looks perfect. For what I can see you should be ready to deliver around the end of the first month of summer.” Abby said, leaving the image of the baby frozen on the screen as she started to clean Raven’s abdomen. 

 

Lexa stood slowly on shaky legs, helping Raven sit on the stretcher and then stand up. She watched intently as Doctor Griffin weighed Raven, measured her belly, took her blood pressure and then asked her to go pee in a cup.

 

“It will give us signs of complications.” Abby said, responding to Lexa’s confused look. Raven left to the bathroom and Lexa stayed alone with the Doctor.

 

Abby gave Lexa some ultrasound pictures of the baby, in different positions, and Lexa stared at them with awe. The doctor frowned slightly when she sensed the deep sorrow in Lexa’s scent, sadness, nostalgia.

 

“The baby is fine, Commander, Raven is healthy, we will make sure everything goes okay. You should not worry.” Abby offered. “Soon she will get to 3 months and the risk of miscarriage will be a thing of the past, you should be happy.” Abby said, wondering if she had said something she shouldn’t have when another tear slid down the Commander’s cheek and hit the ultrasound picture.

 

“I had a partner before Raven, she was the only person I dreamed to mate, she was early in her pregnancy, like Raven is, when she was killed by the Ice Nation.” The Commander said, shaking her head slightly, her jaw clenched tight. Abby felt her heart fall to her feet. “I see this images, this baby, my baby, and I can’t stop thinking about the brother or sister they will never meet. I don’t even have an image like this one to remember them by, I don’t know if it was a girl or a boy, if there were more than one child. They don’t even have a name. I just have the faint memory of how my mate’s scent changed, nothing else.” Lexa looked up and her eyes met Abby’s dark ones, instantly the Commander straightened, tensing her shoulders as she wiped away her tears and put up a strong face. “There’s no point in wasting time thinking about it. I will wait for Raven outside.” She said, turning away to leave when Abby suddenly grabbed her arm and kept her from leaving.

 

“In the old world there was a belief about babies that didn’t get to see the world, will you allow me to tell you?” Abby asked tentatively, knowing she was already pushing her luck by grabbing the Commander the way she had. Lexa nodded in response, but her body remained just as tense. “It was said that those babies, with souls as pure as no other, would become protective entities, for their parents, for their siblings, looking after them every single day, making sure they would never be alone.” Abby made a pause as she watched a thin layer of wetness cover the Commander’s eyes. “I believe this to be true. You must be a clear example of it, being in such a dangerous position and still you are alive, you have been so close to dying, that day in the forest I didn’t think you would make it, I told Clarke to stop trying to bring you back because you were gone. You were gone, and still by some miracle, you are still here. To me it sounds like something, someone, is trying really hard to keep you safe, to protect you.” Abby said, stopping for a second when she watched the Commander’s jaw quiver. “You lost a child, and that is the single most painful thing a person could ever experience, however, they are still with you. You have a guardian, Commander, and you shouldn’t think anything different.”

 

Lexa opened her mouth to say something, what exactly? Abby would never know, right then Raven came from the bathroom holding the cup with pee, she gave it to Abby and then walked outside with Lexa right next to her.

 

“I am surprised you didn’t invite Clarke to be with us during the ultrasound.” Raven said after a while of silence, Lexa was carefully washing her back.

 

“She told me this moment belonged to us, and that she didn’t want to impose.” Lexa said, massaging Raven’s tense muscles.

 

“Did you tell her she wouldn’t be imposing, I mean, when you marry her she will be this baby’s family too, so…”

 

“I did, but she insisted, I didn’t want to push her. I believe she rushed into accepting the proposal.” Lexa said and Raven frowned tilting her head back and to the side to be able to look at Lexa.

 

“Why? She has been in love with you for a while now.” Raven pointed out and Lexa nodded, her gaze a little lost.

 

“It just seemed sudden, and being in love with someone does not mean you plan or want to marry them.” 

 

“I think you should accept it for what it is, Clarke is as stubborn as you anyway, if not more, she won’t back off now and if you tell her you think she rushes into things she will think you are doubting her feelings for you, and she loves you.” Raven said.

 

“I do not doubt her feelings, I just worry she will regret things later, she gets to choose, she gets to meet other people, fall in love with someone with a simpler life, be happy, have a peaceful life away from all of this.” Lexa said, looking away from Raven. “And instead she chose me, I do not understand why.”

 

“Because she fucking loves you, I am sorry Lex, but you are pissing me off, she loves you, don’t overthink it, just take it, enjoy it and stop thinking you are so worthless because it makes me want to shove a bomb up your ass.” Raven said, feeling her blood boil with anger. Lexa was just so...argh.

 

“I just want her to be safe.” Lexa said, her voice quiet. Raven turned her head to look at her again. The alpha was looking down her shoulders dropped. “I am going to get her killed, like Costia.”

 

“She is not a little girl Lex,” Raven said, cupping Lexa’s face. “She is a big girl and she chose this so stop doubting her and your own worth, okay?” Raven said, only turning away when she saw Lexa nod.

 

The omega couldn’t deny that her bones turned into mush when the Commander curled her arms round her middle and nuzzled her face right where her neck met her shoulder.

 

“We only discussed boy names, what are we gonna name the child if its a girl?” Raven said, changing the subject for something lighter.

 

“Maybe a star name, like Sirius, but better suited for a girl?” Lexa said. “Do you know any?”

 

“I know many, I just don’t really like them.” Raven said, thoughtful as she leaned her head back on Lexa’s shoulder. “I like other names, but they are not star names.”

 

“Tell me.” Lexa said, pressing her lips gently to Raven’s temple.

 

The Mechanic then started to talk about Rhea, one of Saturn's moons, then about Nova, a nuclear explosion in a white dwarf star, which led to a a very long explanation of different kinds of stars that made Lexa’s brain feel a little fuzzy, but she loved it, she loved to hear Raven speak so passionately about something the Commander couldn’t even begin to comprehend. Then came the explanation about Halley, the comet.

 

“Raven, I am not sure if it is possible, but I believe I have seen it.” Lexa said and Raven tilted her head up to look at her.

 

“It is, Halley is visible to us every 74-79 years, I saw it too, from space, I was a kid then, only 5 years old.” Raven said, feeling a deep sense of awe as she thought about that moment, of Halley crossing the earth’s night sky, of both Lexa and Raven, watching it.

 

“Yes, I remember seeing something just like what you just described, it happened a year after I was taken from Nomon, it had been a year since I had started training to become Commander…” Lexa trailed off, hesitating and Raven turned her body around completely, water pouring down the sides of the tub and soaking the floor. Lexa seemed surprised for having her there, face to face.

 

“Go on.” Raven said, resting her hands on the tub and staring at Lexa with an encouraging smile. Lexa hesitated for a few more seconds before looking away, and Raven saw something, something she had only seen a few times, specially after the attack at the Mountain, when Lexa had felt incapable of protecting Raven and their child. Shame.

 

“That year was difficult to me. I didn’t want to be a Nigthblood, I didn’t want to fight, to kill. More than anything else I didn’t want to leave my Nomon.” Lexa said, her eyes moving to Raven’s for just a second before looking away. “I loved my Nomon, I love her, to me she was the greatest, she made everything beautiful and perfect, and with her any pain I felt just didn’t seem so bad. I didn’t take the separation well, I would cry constantly, refuse to train, which led to Titus punishments. All I wanted was to go back to my village, to my mother, and at the same time that made me feel guilty, unworthy of being chosen by the spirit, unworthy of being a Nightblood, not that any of that means anything now, but at the time it did and it made me feel miserable. I missed my Nomon, which made Titus constantly mock me and punish me, and I felt unworthy of existing, of the blood that gave me life.” Lexa said, her eyes on the small ripples of water that formed between their bodies, her scent thick with shame. Raven wanted it to go away.

 

The Mechanic was having a hard time understanding why the Alpha was feeling so bad, what she was saying made sense, any child would be traumatized for being taken away forcefully from their parents, and Raven wasn’t stupid, she knew Nightbloods were usually taken to Polis right after they were born, if not a few months or years after, when they could already walk. She knew that Lexa had made it there late, and she knew there was a story behind it.

 

Still, Raven couldn’t stand Lexa’s ashamed stance, the hesitance in her words, the way she avoided her gaze, and so she moved a little closer, and placed her hands on Lexa’s biceps, running her thumbs over the smooth skin, stumbling over a scar or two.

 

“We don’t have to talk about this.” Raven said and Lexa shook her head to the side just slightly.

 

“I want you to understand why that comet, Halley, means so much to me.” Lexa said and Raven nodded. “Back then I was the only Nightblood who had been brought to Polis so late, some of the Nightbloods, two or three of them, talked poorly of my mother, called her a traitor and other awful things because she hadn’t brought me to Polis as soon as I was born, or in my case, as soon as Gustus came home after finding me in the forest. That and Titus made things really difficult for me and every night I would cry to myself in my bed, as quietly as possible, praying to the spirit so no one would hear, but someone did.” Lexa said, looking up at Raven, the corner of her lips tilting up slightly. “Her name is Luna, she is older than me for 2 summers and she would always crawl into my bed and hold me until I fell asleep, on the nights I couldn’t because Titus had been particularly strong with his punishment, or because I was simply too agitated, she would grab me and take me up to the rooftop of the tower. Back then I was small and scrawny, too thin for my age because I was refusing to eat properly, I hoped that if I was sick enough they would take me to mother and so, Luna, being two years ahead of me, eating properly and with years of training could pick me up easily, like I weighed nothing. That’s what happened the night of the comet, my back was wide open, it hurt to breathe, to exist, and that feeling of being suffocated kept me from falling asleep. Luna told me to get on her back and took me to the rooftop, right as Halley was crossing the sky.” Lexa said, smiling and Raven saw a brightness flood her eyes.

 

“None of us had ever seen something so beautiful. That was the first time I heard Luna laugh, her hair was wild and curly, and the wind made it get in my face, but I didn’t mind because she smelled really nice. I couldn’t see her eyes, because I was still on her back but right then she said something that changed things for me.” Lexa said and Raven watched her close her eyes for a few seconds before opening them again, they were just a little wet. “She told me that comet was just like my mother, I didn’t understand what she meant and so I asked her if she meant the comet was as beautiful as my mother. I remember she laughed a little and shook her head, telling me that she meant my mother was special and that it was something unique, that happened rarely. I didn’t understand why and she told me that not many mothers would try to hide their Nightblood children to spend as many days with them as possible. She told me that it was against the law, and that parents who did that would be murdered for their crime, and that’s why they gave their children away so readily. She thought my mother was special because she didn’t care she would die if someone found out I was a Nightblood, the only thing that mattered to her was being with me. And that was rare, as rare as whatever we saw in the sky.” Lexa said, breathing in deeply. “That night Luna and I promised each other that if we ever became Commander we would make it so Nightbloods could at least see their parents some times. That night I felt for the first time that there was a reason for everything, a reason why I had black blood, I had a purpose. Luna had given it to me and because of that and how she cared for me, and offered me her friendship, she became the first girl I ever loved. That brought us both some trouble later, but it was all worth it.”

 

“Your mother…” Raven said, hesitant, her throat clogging with fear at what she would ask next. “Did they…?”

 

“No.” Lexa said at once, the thought frightening her. “They couldn’t because of her status, they brought her to Heda, so he could make a decision, and he decided to let her live.”

 

“Her status?” Raven asked, confused, and Lexa nodded.

 

“She was a healer, a healer in training, the only one, the healer we had at the time was already very old and hadn’t found a worthy second until Nomon, killing her would had meant the village would have been left without a proper healer, Heda didn’t have a replacement so he couldn’t kill her.” Lexa said and Raven nodded in understanding.

 

“So she could be alive now?”

 

“It is a possibility.” Lexa said, looking away like she didn’t want to give the idea much thought. 

 

“And, is this Luna the same Luna you have told me to go to if things go south?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa said, giving Raven a court nod.

 

“How is she alive if you won the Conclave?” Raven asked, a frown on her face. “I thought all but one had to die.”

 

“Luna ran away before the final round against me, the favor she owes me is that I didn’t order her execution after she left, Titus insisted on it and I denied. She then became the leader of the Boat Clan and Titus finally stopped insisting on her murder because that would have meant war when we were already fighting Azgeda and the Mountain, we needed allies, not more enemies.”

 

“Why did she escape?” Raven asked, she knew how Lexa was about her duty, and she had met the Nightbloods, who were pretty much the same, she couldn’t imagine one of them just leaving after Titus had raised them to die.

 

“Because she knew she would win.” Lexa said, not even a little bit of doubt in her voice.

 

“She would have beaten you?” Raven said, both eyebrows arched. Lexa breathed deeply and nodded.

 

“Part of the reason why Titus was so hard on me, was because he saw potential, quickly after I started being cooperative with training he saw something in me, in the way I was able to create strategies, he thought my mind was strong, and so was my body, I was a good fighter, fast, intelligent, and was able to beat most of my brothers and sisters, all except Luna. At the beginning I would completely refuse to fight her, I couldn’t handle the thought of hurting her, as she was the most important person to me, my friend. Titus would punish me, whip me, tell me he wouldn’t stop until I fought her. He was afraid someone would do that during the conclave, that one of us would refuse to fight. Luna would stay with me at night, make sure my wounds wouldn’t go bad, quietly beg me to just fight her, to stop being so stubborn and just fight her. She was good, very good, and knew that we were meant to hurt each other if we fought, but she didn’t care, she just wanted Titus to stop hurting me.”

 

Raven didn’t need her to say much else to see where Lexa was going with what she was saying.

 

“You were going to let her kill you.” Raven said, her voice flat, her heart beating fast in panic for an event that had long passed. “You were going to let her win the Conclave.” Lexa tilted her head down in a nod, letting out a heavy breath.

 

“I didn’t start fighting her until Titus threatened with punishing her instead of me, but still I would never allow myself to hurt her much, just enough to satisfy Titus, and Luna would always win, she knew I was holding back, she always knew and she told me that I couldn’t do the same during the conclave, I told her I would, and that there was no one I rather have taking my life than her. When the conclave came, she left, right before the last round, right before facing me. I still wonder why sometimes.” Lexa said.

 

“You must have been as important to her as she was to you, maybe she couldn’t fathom the thought of hurting you, you were her best friend, too.” Raven said, curling her arms around Lexa’s neck.

 

“Thank you for telling me these things. I feel like I am getting to know you, the you that still had some kind of freedom.” Raven said and Lexa nodded, leaning in slowly, with hesitance and placing a gentle kiss on Raven’s cheek, giving the omega time to move away, like they hadn’t been intimate with each other a moment before.

 

Raven smiled and leaned her forehead on Lexa’s collarbone, the water was getting cold and they would have to wash and get out soon enough.

 

“It’s amazing how we both were looking at the same thing, at the same time, while being so far away from each other.” Raven said, thinking about Lexa as a little kid, wrapped around Luna’s back, staring up at Halley, the comet, just as Raven was doing the same thing from space.

 

“We were joined long ago Raven, this just shows things were meant to be just like this all along.” Lexa said, closing her eyes and leaning her head against Raven’s.

 

“So you think this is faith?”

 

“I think Nightbloods are rare, and if I wasn’t one I wouldn’t be Commander, and if I wasn’t Commander I wouldn’t have come here to negotiate with Skaikru, our peoples would have probably fallen in war long ago, you might have gotten killed and I would have never known you even existed, I’d be in my town, living an easy life, training horses, building houses, helping mother with the sick.” Lexa said and Raven chuckled.

 

“Well, if you put it like that then I guess being your partner and getting to fuck you constantly is a much better alternative.” Raven said, teasing, refusing to believe there was anything else between Lexa and her. It was all just sexual attraction, and Lexa only cared so much because she was her baby carrier.

 

Raven didn’t see Lexa’s face contort in disappointment as she moved away from the alpha to wash her body and go back to the room. When Lexa came back she was dressed in her armor, ready to make the most of the rest of the day, she had a hand on the doorknob and was ready to leave when she looked back at Raven.

 

“If the baby is a girl, I would like her name to be Halley.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, giving her a smile.

 

“Sure, I like it, too.” Raven said, Lexa gave her a court nod and left.

 

…………..

 

“Is there any particular reason why you are up there, brooding?” Clarke said, twisting her neck back so she could stare at Lexa, the trees were leafless, the air cold, so it wasn’t hard to spot the Commander, up in the branches.

 

“You shouldn’t be out without your guards, Heda. It is dangerous.” Clarke said and Lexa stared down at her with a non impressed look. Clarke gave her a tentative smile and did her best to climb the tree, she would have ended up with something broken and a bruised ass if Lexa hadn’t caught her by the arm and pulled her up, helping Clarke settle on a branch close to hers.

 

“I shouldn’t really talk about going around without guards, right.” Clarke said, pointed at the scar on her face, left by the gona who had caught her sneaking out of Titus’ sacred rooms. The blonde gave Lexa a smile, but she didn’t react, looking away and into the distance. Clarke sighed, deciding to stay quiet and just keep Lexa company. She leaned her back against the trunk of the tree and staring out into the distance as well, soon wishing she had something to draw with.

 

“You gave me hope, false hope.” Lexa said suddenly, and in her motion to look at her, Clarke almost fell off the tree. Lexa grabbed at her jacket and tugged hard, stabilizing her.

 

“What are you talking about?” Clarke said, frowning, reaching out to place her hand on Lexa’s knee.

 

“You said that if we were getting mate sick it is because she is beginning to feel something for me as well.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

 

“That isn’t false hope, that is a fact, my mom can tell you that, Indra can tell you that, Nyko too. That’s the truth, if she didn’t feel anything, the bond wouldn’t be developing and you wouldn’t be getting make sick.” Clarke said and Lexa looked away, her jaw clenched tight.

 

“Then why does she keep saying she only wants me for the sex? I don’t want to have just meaningless sex with her, it is wrong.” Lexa said, and Clarke understood then, letting out a gentle sigh.

 

“Lexa, you and I, we love each other, right? Even with all the shit, with the wars and everything else, if we move that aside, there is only love, yes?” Clarke asked, and Lexa nodded quickly, clutching Clarke’s hand tightly with her own.

 

“Of course, Clarke, please don’t doubt-”

 

“I am not doubting anything, I am just trying to make you see my point. We love each other, and we understand each other in ways no one else can. There will be a part of us, of you, that Raven won’t ever understand because she has never lived it herself, but we share that, it connects us, right?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa said, not seeing where Clarke was going.

 

“And still when we were apart from each other there were no symptoms of mate sickness, no vomit, no headache, no exhaustion. Even now that we are together, if we were separated those symptoms wouldn’t show, because we are both alphas, and our natures don’t respond like that to our separation. Now, does that make our love less real?” Clarke said, feeling Lexa’s hold on her hand tighten again.

 

“No, Clarke.”

 

“If the mate sickness doesn’t make our love real then what does?”

 

“I feel it.” Lexa said. “My mind and my body, they constantly long for your company.” Lexa said, her cheeks getting a little pink. Clarke smiled and kissed the back of her hand.

 

“But what happens if you don’t let me know about your love? if you hadn’t kissed me, if you hadn’t told me you cared for me?” Clarke asked and Lexa stayed quiet for a few seconds, thinking.

 

“You wouldn’t know, to you my love wouldn’t exist if I didn’t express it, act on it.”

 

“Exactly, and you couldn’t have acted on it, or told me about it if you weren’t aware of it yourself.” Clarke said, watching as understanding slowly dawned on Lexa. “We love each other and there’s no mate sickness, but we act on it because we are aware, we don’t need our bodies to get sick to know. With Raven there is mate sickness, but-”

 

“She doesn’t know so it is like it doesn’t exist.” Lexa said, and Clarke nodded.

 

“She feels something, there is no way to deny it, but she is refusing to acknowledge it as more than sexual attraction, so she keeps telling you and herself that it is all just sex, nothing else, even if it is obvious in the way she acts sometimes that she does care about you.”

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa said, leaning down and moving her head close to Clarke’s, letting the blonde decide to close the distance or move away. The blonde smiled and kissed Lexa’s lips.

 

“It’s fine, the situation we are in is just complicated, things will get better with time.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s cheek as the Commander smiled down at her.

 

“Things are much better already.” Lexa whispered, placing a kiss on Clarke’s forehead, this time it was the blonde’s time to blush. “I have noticed that you still haven’t told your mother about our bonding ceremony, and I know that we won’t be able to get married until she knows.” Lexa said and Clarke groaned, moving away from the alpha, and again forgetting she was sitting on a tree branch. Again, Lexa grabbed at her coat and stabilized her.

 

“We can’t have a secret ceremony?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why?” Clarke said, looking at Lexa with pleading eyes.

 

“Because then it would be seen as me betraying Raven, which is unforgivable. And if it was a secret I wouldn’t be able to give you the place you deserve.” Lexa said, “You don’t want it to be a secret either way, Clarke.”

 

“No.”

 

“Then why haven’t you told your mother?”

 

“Because she won’t accept it for many reasons, relationships between alphas were banned back in the Ark, they were a crime, and relationships between more than two people were seen as filthy, promiscuous, she won’t accept it and I am scared she will make me choose between you and her.” Clarke said and Lexa’s expression hardened, going cold, making Clarke shiver.

 

“I would never make you choose between your mother and me Clarke, if it comes to that I promise I will make things easy for you.” Lexa said, jaw clenched tight. Clarke didn’t think she could love her more, but she did.

 

“No, Lexa, I am not scared about choosing, I just know my choice will break my relationship with my mother, so I am trying to enjoy time with her just a little bit longer.” Clarke said and Lexa’s eyes widened just a little.

 

“You’d choose me over your mother?” Lexa said, shocked, her grip going limp around Clarke’s hand. “Even after everything I have done to you?”

 

“Yes, Lexa. I may never forget about the Mountain, but I understand that you were making an impossible decision, the girl you cared about, or your people. And I know you better now, I know how you feel about your duty, I know that you believe that there is nothing more to you than that. I know that it wasn’t really a choice. And I value that after that you went as far as giving yourself to someone you didn’t love to make sure you didn’t have to do that again.” Clarke breathed in deeply, her heart feeling tight at seeing how moved Lexa was by her words. The Commander’s fingers were lightly shaking and it wasn’t because of the cold. “The Mountain didn’t stop me from loving you, that means something, that means everything.”

 

“You only get one mother, Clarke, only one, while there is always the possibility of finding another partner.” Lexa said, and Clarke would have exploded in anger if she didn’t know how Lexa felt about her own mother, about being taken away from her.

 

“My mother shouldn’t even make me choose between the woman I love and her, it is wrong, and I am truly hoping it won’t happen, but if does I have made up my mind already.” Clarke said, shakily getting to her feet on the thick branch, and sitting with Lexa on the same branch, face to face. She grabbed onto the Commander’s neck, looking down and feeling just a little nauseous. “This branch won’t break under the both of us, right?” Clarke said, feeling Lexa’s strong hands settle low on her waist.

 

“I am not quite sure.” Lexa said, smiling to herself as Clarke tightened her arms around her neck.

 

“It’d be pety to die like this.” Clarke said, nestling her face on Lexa’s warm neck and breathing in deeply, avoiding to shift on the branch altogether. “Especially for you, Lexa kom Trikru.”

 

“I think it would be worst for you. The great Wanheda, Mountain Slayer, who fell from the _ sky _ , died from falling off a branch.” Lexa said, and Clarke could hear the mirth in her voice.

 

“Oh god, that’s true.” Clarke said, looking up at Lexa and grabbing at her cheeks. “At least we won’t care if we are dead.” Clarke smiled, moving just a little closer, her breath ghosting Lexa’s lips. “We should kiss, just in case these are our last moments together.”

 

“I agree.” Lexa said, burying her hand in Clarke’s blond tresses of hair to pull her close, their lips felt like ice from being outside for so long but their tongues felt hot as they met in the middle. Clarke’s brow creased in content, sighing into Lexa’s mouth as she kissed her deeply, slowly, warming the Commander’s lips with her own, feeling her taste, the way Lexa’s hands massaged her back as they kissed.

 

The Commander pulled back, deliberately brushing the tip of her cold nose against Clarke’s, the sweetness of the gesture made the blonde’s insides melt, and for the first time since landing on earth Clarke felt young again, she felt like just a girl, in love, kissing a pretty girl sitting high up on a tree branch. She pecked the Commander’s lips, and it was a little awkward, as she was still smiling.

 

“Do you want to go to Arkadia? Indra is training a group of our guards in combat, we could make fun of them together, watch your gona completely kick their ass.”

 

“I actually have to go and supervise their improvement, you may join me if you promise to keep your amusement to yourself.” Lexa said.

 

“I swear it.” Clarke said, placing a hand over her heart.

 

“I think it would be a good idea for you to join the training, you need to know how to defend yourself.” Lexa said and Clarke groaned, pressing her face to Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“I’m not really into training and I hate running.”

 

“What if I trained you?” Lexa offered, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear.

 

“You would do that?”

 

“Of course.” Lexa said, her lips tilting up slightly as she kissed the scar her gona had left on Clarke’s face. “I need you to be safe.”

 

“Okay. Not today though, today we gotta go and see how is Indra doing with our guards. Can you help me not fall to my death as I try to get to the ground?” Clarke asked, chancing a look down and then back at Lexa, who was clearly amused.

 

“Sure, Clarke, just watch what I do and put your feet where I tell you to, okay?”

 

“Yeah, I can do that.”

 

Clarke obviously couldn’t, she had almost made it when her foot slipped and she started falling backwards, she unconsciously let out a shout and closed her eyes, surprised when her impact wasn’t as hard as she expected it to be. She then realized the surface she had fallen on was moving and scrambled to get up, the Commander stayed there breathing deeply, having broken Clarke’s fall with her body.

 

“Float me, Lex, are you okay?” Clarke said as she helped the Commander get on her feet.

 

“Yeah, do not worry, but we will surely add tree climbing to your training, if you had been higher when you fell things would have ended poorly.” Clarke nodded.

 

“Let’s go, your guards must be looking for you.”

 

…………….

 

Indra stood beside the Commander as they watched two boys, Miller and Bryan, fight each other.

 

“Speak true, Indra.”

 

“They don’t have enough protection, Heda, they posses many guns, but not enough people to carry them. There are around 400 people under the Skaikru banner, 38 of them, the youngest, the ones saved from Mount Weather have accepted to become part of the army after the talks with the Skaikru leaders, many of them are omegas or betas so they believed they couldn’t be part of the Guard, which has been rectified after the laws you installed, Heda. The Skaikru do not let their people choose their own jobs, they are assigned to them according to their skills and necessity, so Kane ordered 42 others to become part of the guard, that plus the 20 that were already guards leaves with a small army of a 100 gona. They have been divided in groups of 10 and my best gona are currently supervising their physical training. We will later have to divide them between Arkadia and the Mountain.”

 

“What about the rest of them?”

 

“We have divided them to make groups of farmers, hunters, builders, scouts, others were assigned to Abby to start learning medicine, others were assigned to work on the maintenance of Arkadia, they need people with similar capabilities to those of your Houmon to keep the place going, make sure they still have power and that their vehicles work, beyond other things that I am not quite able to explain, these people are being handled accordingly by a man that goes by the name Sinclair, who has also requested for some of the people to work as scavengers, to find tek around and bring it to him. They are hoping to build an industrial base, use their machines and what they have found in Mount Weather to produce things. There’s also people that will take over the job of cooking, and others that will be assigned to clean the common areas.” Indra said and Lexa nodded, she knew Kane was a good capable leader and that with Indra’s help they would be able to make of Skaikru another Trikru thriving village. 

 

“The builders are making good progress.” Lexa commented, watching the new structures that were being built around the main camp, grounders and sky people working together.

 

“Yes Heda, they are using parts that had fallen off the ship when it landed as part of their homes. The smoke house has already being built, and they introduced the concept of greenhouse to us, apparently they can control the conditions of one place to make it so they can grow whatever they need in it without taking into account the season. I believe this teaching will be valuable for the rest of the Coalition. They can also tell which land is better for farming by testing it. And they have plans to build underground pipes to bring water from the near river to their camp.” Indra said, and the Commander could feel the undertones of awe in her voice. The general then lowered her head. “I understand now why you wanted them to be part of the Coalition Heda, why you refused to kill them all. I shouldn’t have doubted you, Heda.”

 

“I understood your doubt, and I know it came from concern and not defiance. Do not trouble yourself, I am glad, that you as my most trusted General, are able to see what I saw. I wish you to stay here, supervise their progress, prepare them for winter, while also staying close to TonDC. Do not believe I have forgotten about your village, my lack of attention to it doesn’t come from uninterest, it comes from my trust in you and your abilities to bring the village to how it was before.” Lexa said, and Indra bowed her head.

 

“Of course, Heda.”

 

“I believe it would be of great convenience to build clearer paths between Arkadia and the Mountain, and Arkadia and TonDC. The area around the Mountain is very densely filled with trees, which will make it difficult for their vehicles. The trees taken down for the sake of the path can later be used for building purposes, like that we make sure to not take from nature senselessly. It is important that we later plant the same amount of trees that were taken down elsewhere.” Lexa said watching as another training fight started to take place, this time it was Bellamy with another young man that Lexa hadn’t seen before.

 

The Commander took that moment to look for Clarke, finding her sitting close by with Octavia.

 

“It is within your possibilities to take Octavia back as your second if you wish to, Indra.” Lexa said, and the general moved her gaze away from the fight to look at the Commander.

 

“She made her choice.”

 

“And there is no need for such a choice any longer, we are one now, it is not often that a First is able to find someone with a spirit like hers.” Lexa said, the comment bringing to her thoughts of Anya. She always wondered what she had seen in her.

 

“She saw something similar in you, Heda, I assure you. Anya couldn’t have made a better choice.” Indra said, almost like she had heard Lexa’s thoughts. The Commander could only nod her head. 

 

Indra then stepped in to stop the fight, Lexa hadn’t been paying attention, but apparently Bellamy had easily won. Lexa could see why, he was an alpha, he was physically stronger than most Skariku and had already experience being a part of Skaikru’s militia, still, just from what Lexa could see, he didn’t really use his legs, just his arms, he had no stability, just brute strength. If his fist didn’t always met the target he would surely fall over.

 

“Indra.” Lexa said, taking off her sash and her coat, leaving her arms bare to the cold air. “Allow me.” The Commander said, and she could instantly feel eyes on her, she had drawn people’s attention, including Clarke and Octavia’s. She stepped inside the makeshift ring in front of Bellamy.

 

Lexa watched him in silence, not even putting her fists up, but motioning him to attack first, he came at her, right arm up ready to punch, there was a lot of momentum and strength behind it so as expected when Lexa suddenly moved away he stumbled, fighting to get his balance back as Lexa kicked the back of his knees so he fell over.

 

“You lean too much of your weight forward when you attack, all your weight shouldn't be on your toes, lean on the balls of your feet, fix your stance.” Lexa said, waiting for him to get up, “now, try again.” She said and Bellamy attacked again, he didn’t lose his balance when Lexa moved away, as he was expecting it, so he turned and ducked when she tried to hit him, retaliating with a series of punches of his own. Lexa blocked one his arms, caught a punch to side and instead of moving a way punched him in the neck, later kicking him on the chest, making him fall back.

 

“I’m shorter than you, lighter, faster, you are not going beat me with fast punches, use your body weight, try to wrestle me to the ground, use your strength, do not try with speed because it won’t work, I will be able to move away.” Lexa said, watching Bellamy stand back up again, a hand on his throat.

 

Next time he went low, going for a tackle around her middle. Lexa didn’t move away and let herself being thrown to the floor, Bellamy didn’t get to pull away, she wrapped her legs around his back and kept him pressed against her, delivering a hard punch to his ear that had landed close to her chest during the tackle. He let out a pained yelp and Lexa let him go, pushing him off her and standing up.

 

“You left your head open for attack, jaw, ears, throat, a good hit in any of those and you are done.” Lexa said, looking around at the other members of the group and listing the things she wanted them to keep in mind. “Keep you stance balanced, not too forward, not too back, take in your opponent, if they are bigger they are stronger, if they are smaller they are faster and can easily escape your grasp, find your stronger suit and use it. If you are forced to the ground, don’t let your opponent get too far from you, if they do they will punch you in the head or the chest and injure you, keep them close and try to get a hit to the ear, neck or jaw, they will be left dazed, if not unconscious and you will be able to get them off.” Lexa said and after that she called another member of the group.

 

One by one the Skaikru guards fought the Commander, getting lucky hits in, barely doing any damage at all as Lexa had them all in the ground in a matter of seconds. The Commander wasn’t been a show off, everything she did was to show them something, teach them something, make them better.

 

“I didn’t expect her to be a good teacher.” Octavia said, as she watched Lexa show the group a move, using Miller to show them how to properly place a knee to the ribs.

 

“She has novitiates, little Commanders she has to teach, has been doing it for years.” Clarke said. “They are kids and they all could put us on our backs 10 seconds flat.”

 

“I don’t doubt it.” Octavia said, her head on her knees, staring longingly at the makeshift ring. She dressed like Trikru, had her sword, was mated to a Trikru scout, but her First had left her and so she was again not really Skaikru, not really Trikru. She was lost again.

 

“I know you wanna fight her, ask her, she won’t say no.” Clarke said, bumping her shoulder against Octavia’s.

 

“I am not a member of the Guard, Clarke, she has no reason to do this and even if I want nothing but smack her little traitor face, I probably won’t get a hit in. She is Heda for a reason.”

 

“And Indra chose you as her Second for a reason, you wanna fight her and she is right there, do it, don’t be silly. What’s the worth thing that can’t happen?” Clarke said and Octavia clenched her jaw, standing up and dusting herself off before walking forwards with her back straight and chin tilted up.

 

“Heda.” Octavia called and Lexa turned around to look at her. “May I?” She asked, motioning with her hand towards the ring.

 

“O.” Bellamy said, in warning, but Indra grabbed him by the arm and told him to be quiet. Both Lexa and Octavia ignored him.

 

“You may, but you must know that I expect much more from you, Octavia.” Lexa said, her eyes hard. Octavia nodded, feeling something that extrangely resembled pride bubble in her chest.

 

Octavia threw a punch to Lexa’s face, the Commander moved away, intercepted the arm and threw a hard jab to Octavia’s armpit. The omega yelped and with her free arm punched hard at Lexa’s ribs, it was as thought she hadn’t felt it, Lexa didn’t move back an inch and instead kicked at Octavia’s knee, making the omega fall down. Octavia growled, throwing herself on her back and kicking the Commander’s leg from under her right before the alpha could punch her on the face. Lexa felt on her back hard, feeling Octavia straddle her waist and moving her head to the side right before the Omega’s fist could meet her face. Octavia’s knuckles met the hard ground and the next thing she felt was Lexa’s fist hitting her mouth, her lips cracked and her mouth was filled with iron as she fell to the side. 

 

She caught Lexa’s Lexa’s leg right before it hit her on the chest, wrapping her arms around it and twisting until the Commander was once again on the ground. Octavia let go of the leg to immobilize the Alpha’s arms. And just a second Later she knew she had made a mistake.

 

Many things happened at once. Octavia had landed herself between Lexa’s legs, so it was easy for the Commander to lock her legs around her middle, the omega knew she would end up like Bellamy if she let the Commander’s arms wrap around her head, so she threw a punch that would hopefully meet Lexa’s nose, but it didn’t. Lexa intercepted her arm, her left arm, and pushed it down, making Octavia lean down and make it easy for Lexa to rise her leg form Octavia’s middle and fold it over her left shoulder. Octavia knew she was in trouble then, feeling Lexa’s hard thigh push against the side of her neck. Lexa then grabbed Octavia’s right arm and pulled it to the side, changing her angle at the same time so she could lock the Omega’s head between her thigh, Octavia’s own arm and her calf, which ended up pressing hard on the back of the omega’s head. Soon Octavia was getting dizzy, feeling her own shoulder painfully press against her neck, surely cutting the blood flow to her brain, she was right about to pass out when Lexa’s lock broke, letting her go so she could fall to the ground, gasping for air, feeling the blood rush up to her head all at once.

 

Octavia heard a commotion as she blinked the dark spots away from her eyes, shouts, screams, a struggle and when she finally was able to sit up she saw her brother, laid on the ground, completely unconscious. She then moved her gaze up to Lexa, there was a tiny line of blood falling down the corner of her mouth. Bellamy’s baton was thrown on the grass.

 

The Commander met her gaze and moved out of Clarke’s concerned hold, offering Octavia her hand and then pulling her up all at once when the omega took it. Octavia didn’t need any explanation to know what had happened.

 

“You did know I wasn’t going to choke you to death in the middle of a training exercise?” Lexa said, her eyes hard.

 

“Yes, Heda, forgive my brother, he is quite protective of me.”

 

“No need for apologies, you held yourself in a fight with me longer than any of your guards, longer than you brother. What Indra did with you paid off.” Lexa said, offering a truthful complement, Octavia had potential, and that should not be discouraged.

 

“I know you were going easy on me.” Octavia said bitterly and Lexa tilted her head down to look at her in the eye.

 

“Octavia, I’ve been training since I was six, every single day, more than once. If I hadn’t gone easy on you it wouldn’t have been a fair fight. Imagine fighting any of this people, Zoe, Bryan or Miller, you would have beat them in seconds because you are more advanced than them. If I hadn’t held back the fight wouldn’t have lasted and you wouldn’t have learnt anything.” The Commander said, and even if Octavia knew it was the truth she decided to stay quiet and not say a word.

 

“Clarke mentioned you were going to train her.” Octavia said, and the Commander honestly didn’t know what that had to with anything. The people around them started walking away Miller and Bryan carrying Bellamy’s unconscious body back towards the camp, while the rest of the group sat around drinking some water, Clarke was with them, keeping an eye on their conversation.

 

“I would have liked that to remain in private, but yes, it is my intention to train her.”

 

“I don’t like you, I think you are a traitor, that you are not worth Clarke’s time, or being married to someone as good as Raven, but you are the Commander, you can choke people with your fucking legs  and I could probably get killed for what I just said. The thing is I want to be a warrior, and I can’t do that if someone doesn’t help me train, there’s only so much Lincoln can teach me. If you are going to train Clarke, then maybe you can teach me a few things.” Octavia said, losing her nerve on the last few sentences. Lexa looked at her, expressionless as always.

 

“Wouldn’t you prefer to be trained by Indra?”

 

“Indra won’t even look at me.”

 

“I spoke to her, told her she could go back to be your First if she wanted to.” Lexa said and Octavia’s eyes widened in shock.

 

“What if she doesn’t want to?”

 

“Then, and only then I will train you, privately. I do not have much time to spare so you would have to be ready whenever I ask for you, you would also have to travel with me always, leave Arkadia, for months at a time. If you can’t agree to that then I can’t agree to train you, but first you must give Indra some time.” Lexa said and Octavia sighed.

 

“How much?”

 

“I have to go back to Polis in 2 weeks, if Indra hasn’t spoken to you by then you will come with me, yes?”

 

“Sha, Heda.” Octavia said, bowing slightly before leaving.

 

…………..

 

Clarke and Lexa had always intended to go back to the Mountain, they didn’t count on Kane inviting them to stay, insisting on it, telling Lexa that he wanted to show her their plans about the water system, the underground pipes and what they would have to do to accomplish it.

 

They had decided to stay, and so Clarke found herself in her old room, lying in bed while talking to Raven. Lexa was cleaning herself up after spending most of the afternoon training with Arkadia’s guards.

 

“It’s dark time already, why aren’t you guys back yet?” Raven asked through the radio and Clarke sighed, rubbing her eyes, she was tired and she hadn’t really done much, she couldn’t imagine how Lexa must have been feeling. Though knowing the Commander, she probably wasn’t tired at all.

 

“We aren’t planning to go back.” Clarke said, dropping the radio on the mattress for a second to take off her shirt and bra, sighing contentedly as she sunk in the mattress once again. “Kane wanted Lexa to stay, he wants to talk to her about using the river to install a water system in Arkadia, so we are staying the night and probably going back to the Mountain tomorrow after midday.”

 

“Lexa should have told me that sooner.” Raven snapped, her voice coming through strained, blatantly angry. Clarke was surprised and stared at the radio in her hand like it was a foreign object.

 

“She didn’t plan this and she was busy, she spent the afternoon training with our guards, then we went to have dinner and now we are getting ready to sleep. It isn’t really that late, we are just in winter now, the day gets shorter. She didn’t really a moment until now.” Clarke said, trying to explain, not really understanding why it was even an issue. “Why are you mad?”

 

“If she has a moment now why am I talking to you?” Raven said and Clarke’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline, she didn’t understand what was going on.

 

“Raven, I just told you she is getting ready for bed, I am just making time until she comes back. Why are you upset? Are you feeling mate sick?” Clarke asked and right then Lexa came from the bathroom in only her undergarments, bindings covering her breasts, tight, small shorts, covering her most intimate parts.

 

Lexa sat on the bed next to Clarke and took the radio from her hand, worried at the prospect of Raven feeling unwell, even if it seemed unlikely, given that they had spent most of the morning together.

 

“Raven, are you unwell?”

 

“NO!” the omega said forcefully and both Clarke and Lexa heard her breathe deeply before she spoke again. “It just took me by surprise, I didn’t know you would be staying with Clarke tonight… I got worried about you guys traveling in the dark.”

 

“Do not worry, we are staying here, Kane requires my presence to evaluate a project of his. Are you sure you do not need Abby’s assistance?” Lexa asked, concerned. Clarke placed a hand on her bare thigh, squeezing gently to offer comfort as they both waited for a response.

 

“No, I am fine. I will see you tomorrow then.” Raven said.

 

“Of course, I wish you a good night of sleep, Raven. Tell Bouda to keep you safe for me.” 

 

“Sure.” Raven said. “Bye.”

 

Lexa set the radio on the table next to Clarke’s bed and moved to help the blonde out of her pants before getting into bed. Clarke took off Lexa’s bindings and curled on her side, facing away from Lexa. The Commander wrapped herself around Clarke’s warm body, placing a kiss on her shoulder, nosing at her sweet smelling neck.

 

“Didn’t she seem upset to you?” Clarke asked, turning in Lexa’s arms to be able to face her, her brow twisted into a frown.

 

“Her voice seemed strained, I assumed she was concerned about our safety, she expressed concern about us making the trip in the dark.” Lexa said, tucking a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear. “Why? Do you think it was something else?”

 

Clarke’s gaze got a little lost for a second, thinking about what Raven had said, how she had worded her sentences, how she had said she didn’t know Lexa was staying with her, instead of saying that she didn’t know that Lexa would be staying at Arkadia. Clarke didn’t know if she was overthinking, but the whole conversation seemed really weird.

 

“No, no.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s sharp jaw with her fingers and leaning in to give her a gentle kiss. “Sometimes I just worry she is not as okay with our arrangement as she lets on.”

 

“Worry not, I would have never even attempted this if it wasn’t for her. She told me I could and that I should.” Lexa said, tightening her hold around Clarke’s waist, burying her face in her neck. “I am very happy, Clarke.” Lexa whispered and the blonde smiled, hugging her back.

 

They stayed quiet for a few seconds, sharing kisses and soft touches. Eventually they just end up looking at each other, doing nothing else.

 

“Do you remember what we talked about earlier? About how us not getting mate sick about each other doesn’t make our love less real?” Lexa asked, and Clarke nodded.

 

“Yeah, what about it?”

 

“I don’t think it is quite right.” Lexa said and Clarke frowned, pulling back a little.

 

“What?”

 

“When we parted ways at the Mountain I didn’t start vomiting, or getting feverish or anything like that, I wasn’t make sick. But Clarke, I feel like my heart, my mind, they were sick. I thought of you every second of every day, and at night I couldn’t sleep, my chest was filled with anguish and pain and I was constantly afraid, so afraid that something would happen to you, that I wouldn’t ever see you again, not even by casualty.” Lexa said and Clarke could see her pain in the crease between her eyebrow, the downturn of her lips. “I wasn’t mate sick, but I couldn’t sleep, and I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t live properly with that feeling of unrest in my chest, I was just…” Lexa trailed off, closing her eyes and Clarke pressed their foreheads together, her eyes wet.

 

“Surviving.” Clarke whispered, her chest feeling awfully tight, her fingers digging into Lexa’s skin.

 

“Yes.” Lexa said and Clarke saw a smile bloom in her face. “I have never experienced more relief in my life than that day when you barged into my tent and hit me across the face, you just set everything back into place. I could suddenly breathe.”

 

Clarke laughed, her cheeks soaked with tears that Lexa gently wiped away.

 

“I hit you really hard, didn’t I?” Clarke said with a smile of her own.

 

“Yes.” Lexa said, cupping the back of Clarke’s neck. “It was delightful.” 

 

Clarke laughed again, and Lexa swallowed the sound with her lips.

 

……………

 

Raven was barely able to stop herself from hurling the radio against the wall. She growled loudly and grabbed at her head, throwing herself back on the bed. Soon enough a wet nose came to press against her cheek and the Mechanic had to push Vulcan away, feeling more than a little annoyed.

 

The bed was cold and empty, because her partner, Lexa wasn’t there, and she wouldn’t be there. Raven would sleep alone. That bothered her greatly, made her mind restless, she knew she wouldn’t sleep well, she would have nightmares, and Lexa wouldn’t be there to hold her, to help her through them, to chase them away. Raven would be alone, with Lexa’s scent on the sheets taunting her, the alpha’s spot otherwise empty.

 

Empty because she was somewhere else sleeping with Clarke.

 

Raven shook her head, burying her face in Lexa’s pillow.

 

Lexa hadn’t left to sleep with Clarke, she had left to supervise the guards’ training, she had told her so the day before when she had insisted on going to the ultrasound appointment as early as possible because later in the day Abby would be busy and she had to leave. Yes, but she hadn’t told her she would stay the night there, with Clarke.

 

No, because she didn’t know, it was a last minute arrangement, Kane’s idea. It bothered her, she could feel it, couldn’t deny it. And she didn’t know what bothered her more, sleeping alone, or knowing that Lexa was sleeping with someone else.

 

Oh, she knew. She had always known, straight from the moment Clarke answered the radio instead of Lexa. She was jealous. Damn.

 

Of course she was, Raven thought, she was pregnant and the alpha that had knocked her up wasn’t there for her. Yes, pregnancy hormones. 

 

Raven breathed easier after reaching that last conclusion, she rolled on the bed to rest on her back and opened her eyes to stare at the ceiling.

 

Slowly it downed on her, that her time with Lexa at night, that their shared meals, their star watching, their baths, their conversations, their moments together, they wouldn’t be just theirs anymore. They would have to share them. With Clarke. They would share their bed with Clarke.

 

She was okay with it, she knew that Clarke loved Lexa, and that Lexa loved Clarke, and why would they be apart if they could be together. Raven wanted them to be happy and to be happy they had to be together, and having Clarke in bed with them would be fun, right? Right.

 

Raven realized then that thinking things through had been easy, and that living them, experiencing them, was a completely different story.

 

That night Raven didn’t sleep.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I've been thinking about creating a tumblr account so we can communicate better, talk fanfic or anything else, keep track of the writting progress, chat, stuff like that, tell me in the comments if that's something you'd be interested in, I know I'd like to get to know you guys a bit better.
> 
> Thank you for reading and for leaving comments, I love them and I do my best to answer them all.
> 
> I hope you liked the new chap.


	8. I love her

The next day Raven drowned herself in work, spending much of the morning under one of the Mountain’s vehicles. Raven thought she could fix it and so she refused to eat and worked, trying her best to push thoughts of Lexa away from her head.

“Raven?” Someone asked, and the scent that filled Raven’s nose made shivers run down her spine. “I do not know exactly what I feel about seeing you under a vehicle that could possibly fall on you and injure you, but it is a very unpleasant feeling.”

Raven closed her eyes, clutching them shut. She was dying to see Lexa and at the same time, she wished to never see her again.

“Raven? Are you okay?” Lexa said, and Raven felt the concern in her scent. The Commander was starting to get panicked and only because of that did Raven slide out from under the vehicle.

The Mechanic saw Lexa’s shoulders deflate in relief, she took Lexa’s extended hand and allowed the alpha to help her up. Lexa looked at her up and down, her hand reaching up to cup Raven’s face so very gently, a thumb gently brushing against the dark shadows under her eyes.

“You didn’t sleep well.” Lexa said and Raven merely shook her head, knowing that it was evident. “And you didn’t have breakfast this morning.”

“I was a little nauseous.” Raven said, and it wasn’t completely a lie.

Lexa nodded, looking at the omega with concern.

“Come with me, we can have a light lunch and then stay in for the afternoon.” Lexa said and Raven arched her eyebrows.

“You have nothing to do?” Raven asked, she knew that Lexa didn’t exactly have much free time.

“It can wait.” Lexa said, wrapping her arm around Raven’s waist and walking her back to their room. 

Once there she told one of the guards posted outside to fetch them some food, when she turned around she saw Raven, just standing in the middle of the room. Lexa frowned, standing behind Raven to help her out of her jacket.

“Are you okay?” Lexa asked, crouching so she could take the brace off Raven’s leg and then reaching a little higher to unbutton her pants.

Raven gave the alpha a small smile once they were face to face, Lexa was worried and not even trying to hide it.

“You are not.” Lexa said with a frown. “Please, tell me what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, I am just really tired.” Raven said, and again, it wasn’t completely a lie.

“Can I hold you?” Lexa asked quietly, her green eyes looking hesitant and even nervous as they stared back at Raven.

“Yes.” Raven said, and moments later Lexa’s arms were curling around her, holding her tightly. Raven melted into the embrace, letting her whole body fall into Lexa’s arms, into her warmth and the comfort that came with her.

She finally could breathe a little easier.

Someone knocked on the door and they didn’t move, Lexa closed her eyes and leaned her head against Raven’s, feeling so very content to just hold her. The knocking persisted and Lexa pulled away with a sigh, she carried Raven the few steps to the bed and laid her there gently, placing a kiss on her forehead.

When she opened the door she found the guard carrying a tray with food, Lexa gave him a court nod and took it, bringing it to Raven, placing it on her lap and then laying on the bed next to her after taking her armor off.

They ate in silence, Lexa watched the omega closely, feeling deeply concerned and not knowing what to do.

Lexa took the tray away once they were done and took Raven’s hands, staring into the omega’s eyes.

“Raven, I need you to tell me how to help you, please.” Lexa said, her heart feeling tight when the omega looked away.

Lexa looked down at her lap, feeling lost when Raven cupped her face and kissed her. It was soft and slow, it was deep and gentle, it was something they hadn’t done before.

Raven shuddered into it, her skin aflare with goosebumps, she had never felt something like what she was feeling then, during that kiss. She couldn’t name it.

“Can you just hold me?” Raven whispered, breathing hard against Lexa’s lips, refusing to open her eyes, not daring to break the spell.

Lexa didn’t give her a verbal answer, but in moments she was wrapped up in the alpha’s arms, her head buried in Lexa’s neck, her arms tucked against the alpha’s chest, their legs interlocked. Raven felt her eyes water, and she didn’t know why.

“Sleep.” Lexa whispered, rubbing Raven’s back gently.

“Will you stay?”

“Yes.”

……………..

When Raven woke up Lexa was still with her, this time laying on her back with Raven halfway on top of her, head laid on the alpha’s chest. The Commander was asleep, her head tilted to the side, her lips parted just slightly.

Raven took her in and thought about the night before, how jealous she had felt, how awful it felt to sleep without Lexa there. She wasn’t stupid, she knew where jealousy came from, it come from a place of insecurity, from feeling like you may lose something that you care about. It meant that she cared about Lexa enough to be afraid of losing her to someone else.

Raven’s hands tensed around Lexa’s shirt and she clutched her eyes shut.

If you are afraid to lose something it’s because you care about it, and if you care about something then in some way you must… 

“Love it.” Raven whispered to herself, trying to keep her thoughts under control, but being unable to. Right there laying over Lexa’s chest, Raven started crying.

She couldn’t love her. She couldn’t love her. She couldn’t love her.

No. Absolutely not.

She was a murderer. She was heartless. A cold hearted monster.

A monster that missed her mother every day, a monster that still suffered from the death of her past mate and unborn child, a monster that never once complained about being woken in the middle of the night by Raven’s nightmares. Lexa was a monster that held her gently, talked to her with respect, valued her opinion. Lexa was the monster that spent her almost nonexistent free time making sure she ate and slept enough, making wooden figures for their child to play with.

Yes, she was a monster. Inhuman. Shallow. Cold. Merciless. Like a robot.

That last thought made Raven break into sobs, the sound of it startling Lexa awake in panic. Green eyes opened, wild and furious, Lexa’s first instinct was to wrap her arms around Raven and roll them over so she could protect the omega with her body. She sneaked a hand under the pillow to grab for a knife and waited, her heart beating fast in her chest. No attack came and Lexa allowed herself to breathe in deeply, feeling only Raven’s scent and her own.

Relief came at her in waves and Lexa closed her eyes, but then she noticed that her partner was still sobbing, mumbling unintelligible things. Lexa frowned in concern, curling her arms around Raven’s body and sitting up, holding the omega on her lap.

Lexa rubbed her back, whispered sweet nothings, did her best to calm her down, pumping out protective pheromones in hopes to calm the omega. It helped just slightly and it allowed her to finally understand what Raven was brokenly saying.

“I can’t- I can’t be- falling for you, I can’t-” Raven said between sobs, covering her face with her hands.

Lexa’s heart fell to her feet, the imaginary echo of it cracking resounding in her ears as she let her arms fall from their place around Raven’s back.

Raven felt the drastic change in her scent, somehow she felt Lexa’s emotional retreat and for the first time she noticed what she was saying and how she was saying it, sobbing, crying, completely devastated.

Lexa grabbed at Raven’s legs, lifting and then letting the omega sit on the mattress as she stood up. Raven felt the physical retreat and removed her hands from her face, watching as Lexa stood from the bed. The Commander was clenching her jaw tightly, a crease forming between her brows as she stared at the ground, her eyes cold and detached.

“I didn’t think caring about me would bring you such misery.” Lexa said, her tone flat and emotionless. “Such devastation, such sorrow…”

Raven was speechless, her mouth open, only sobs coming out. Lexa stood there for a second or two, silent, thinking. A moment later she picked up her sash and her pauldron and just like that she was gone.

Raven’s sobs only got louder.

……………….

The sky people were having dinner at the Mountain’s dining hall. Clarke was sitting with her mother, chatting quietly as Octavia and Lincoln did the same right across from them.

“I haven’t seen Raven, or the Commander ever since you came this afternoon, shouldn’t you sent someone to give them some food?” Abby asked and Clarke shook her head.

“Lexa will ask a guard to do it if they get hungry.” Clarke said, “Shortly after we came back I saw a gona with a tray take food to their rooms, maybe they are full and that’s why they haven’t come to dinner.” Clarke said and Abby nodded. 

They were all suddenly startled when the doors violently opened, Lexa came in like a storm, one that would destroy everything in its path. Clarke could see the fury on her face even if she couldn’t smell it, Lexa had a tight grip on her pheromones as usual, but the blonde could see that something had gone terribly wrong.

She was ready to stand up, help her in anyway she could when her mother took a hold on her jacket and kept her grounded to her seat.

“You are alpha and so is she, your scent will only rile her up further, stay very still and do not try anything.” Abby said, hissing through clenched teeth. “Her display of control is impressive, but we can’t know if it will last, listen to me Clarke and do not even look at her.”

Abby only stopped talking when the Commander was close enough to hear them, she didn’t glance at Clarke or Abby, her eyes were on Octavia.

“Training, now.” Lexa snapped, turning on her back and walking away right after. Octavia sat there with wide eyes, her eyes moving from Lexa’s back, to Clarke’s face and then Lincoln’s.

“It would be a dishonor to refuse training with Heda, only gifted fighters and Nightbloods are allowed to train with her.” Lincoln said, he spoke true, but his face was a mask of worry.

Octavia stood up, tension filling her body.

“She doesn’t look like she needs training, she needs a punching bag and it looks like it’s gonna be me.” Octavia said right before following the Commander outside.

……………

Octavia was thrown to the ground for what felt like the hundred time, she gasped, her back aflare with pain.

“This is not going to work.” Octavia said, wincing as she stood up.

They had run around the forest for about an hour, sprinting was a better word to describe what they had done. Octavia had done her best to keep up, but still she always ended up behind the Commander, which might have been a good thing, the ground was uneven, full of sudden dips, holes, protruding roots, fallen trunks. The Commander would avoid them, jumping like it was nothing, Octavia would watch her and do her best to not kill herself by falling over in the dark of the night.

Then the Commander had dropped to the ground and started doing push ups, then sit ups, then pull ups with a low hanging tree branch. She did 200 hundred of each in the time it took Octavia to do a hundred of each. She was fast, she was strong and she barely seemed human.

Even after all of that Octavia could see her shaking, muscles bulging and trembling with pent up energy. Her fists clenched so tight there was no way she wasn’t injuring herself. Octavia knew what she was doing, she knew the Commander was doing everything she could to tire herself, to make herself weaker, to make sure she wouldn’t beat Octavia into a bloody pulp when she finally allowed herself to spar with the young omega.

Octavia knew it hadn’t worked and that made the Commander all the more impressing in her eyes, because when they did finally start to spar the Commander was holding back so much it looked painful, there was not much strength in her punches and kicks, she would throw Octavia to the ground but she wouldn’t do so overly hard. The omega was bruised and sore, but she knew it was nothing judging how strong and how skilled the Commander actually was. She was holding back and that wouldn’t do, that wouldn’t make things better.

“Again!” Lexa snapped, but Octavia didn’t move to attack her again.

“No, listen to me.” Octavia said, panting. “Whatever is bothering you… you need to let it out and you can’t do that with me because you don’t want to tear my head off, and I appreciate it, but we can spar all night, we can run all night, and it won’t help because you are holding yourself back so much I am afraid you will suddenly burst into flames.”

“This is training Octavia, beating you senselessly would achieve nothing.” The Commander said, her mouth twisted into a sneer.

“But it is what you need, you need to beat something senselessly, maybe not a person, but something else.” Octavia said, putting her hands on her knees, she would be so fucking sore the next day. “Come with me.” Octavia said, not letting the Commander say anything else as she started walking.

They ended up back in the Mountain, walking through the almost deserted floors until they made it to the gym. The Mountain men had set it up to keep their people in shape, they couldn’t go out so they had to train their guards inside, keep them at least healthy enough to handle trouble and the reapers. It wasn’t too big, but there was a small ring where Octavia imagined they trained hand to hand combat, there were a few treadmills, many different lifting machines and a row of heavy boxing bags hanging from the ceiling in chains.

Octavia walked the Commander towards the heavy bags and there wasn’t much explanation needed, the alpha went straight in, punching the bag fast, with a force that made Octavia wince and be thankful it wasn’t her face. Lexa didn’t give Octavia enough time to tell her she needed to tape her hands first.

The omega attempted to hold the bag steady for Lexa, but soon she saw it was a bad idea, the punches were too fast, too strong and Octavia couldn’t hold her footing to keep it from moving, so she just moved away and sat on the floor out of the alpha’s way, watching as Lexa punched her knuckles raw on the heavy bag. 

Before long the punches increased in speed and strengths, the sound of the chain that held it to the ceiling rattled and a black stain developed on the bag’s tan fabric.

Octavia saw it coming a second before it actually happened, the rusty chains broke off, a tear developed on the bag as it fell to the floor in a mess of sand. The sight of it only seemed to anger Lexa, who didn’t waste another second looking at it and turned to punch another bag.

This time it took longer for the chain to break and the bag to tear, this time Lexa was left breathing hard, panting, sweat pouring down her temples and neck, shining on her arms and chest. Her braids were loose and strands of hair stuck to her forehead, Octavia watched her reach up to push it away from her face and a smear of black blood was left on her forehead, only then the Commander seemed to notice she had completely messed up her knuckles. She stared at them for a second and then at Octavia, whatever had been bothering her before wasn’t there anymore. It had taken another shape, the Commander looked defeated.

Octavia stood and offered her some water, the Commander took it with a court nod and slowly as she drank her body went back to a state of balance, her breathing went back under control and Octavia assumed her heart did the exact same.

“There are showers over there, we both could use one.” Octavia said, pointing at a random place over her shoulders, Lexa nodded and followed her, watching as Octavia reached in one of the stalls to get the water going. “There you go Commander, the warmth should soothe your muscles.”

“I prefer to have it as cold as it can go.” Lexa said and Octavia looked at her with her eyes a little wide. She then realized that the Commander was traitor and that she could freeze her ass if she wanted to, it wasn’t Octavia’s business.

“There.” Octavia said and Lexa started undressing right in front of her, reminding the omega once again of the grounders lack of care about nudity, she kept her eyes from trailing down and moved away, letting the Commander enter the stall.

Octavia then realized the Commander had no clothes to change to and neither did she, she figured that if she moved fast enough she would be able to go get clothes and come back before the Commander finished her shower. She was about to leave the gym when she came face to face with Lincoln, who looked deeply relieved to see her unharmed. He was holding a small pile of clothes on his arms.

“Glad she didn’t kill me.” Octavia said, reaching up to kiss him.

“I knew she wouldn’t harm you, that’s more Indra’s style of teaching.” Lincoln said with a small smile.

“Wouldn’t I know.”

“Abby said she would be in the medical bay for the rest of the night in case you needed her.”

“Tell her that I am fine, but that the Commander will probably need a little help.” Octavia said.  
“You managed to hurt Heda?” Lincoln said, a little bit of wonder in his voice.

“There’s nothing I want more, but no, she just went to the punching bags without taping her hands, messed them up.”

“Okay, I will be sure to tell her.” Lincoln said, placing a kiss on Octavia’s forehead before leaving.

The omega showered and changed and still the Commander didn’t come out of the shower, she stayed inside for about an hour and when she came out her lips were just a little blue, she looked fresh and clean, her scent was surely tempting, Octavia was sure she would like it if she her heart didn’t belong to Lincoln.

Octavia offered her a towel, looking the other way as the Commander dried herself and then changed into some underwear, shorts and a soft sleeping shirt.

“Abby is waiting to check on those.” Octavia said, glancing at the Commander’s bloody knuckles.

“Octavia.” Lexa said, dipping her head a little lower than usual, it was a thank you and they both knew it. Octavia gave her a nod in return and watched as she walked away.

………..

“In all honesty, I expected Octavia.” Abby said, as she patted one of the beds, telling the Commander to sit there.

“I wouldn’t hurt her, my aim is to train her, make her a better warrior.” Lexa said, sitting on the bed and not saying anything when Abby took one of her hands.

“I know… you just seemed aggravated, I didn’t think you’d be able to stay under control.” Abby said, as she slowly and gently cleaned up the cuts on the Commander’s knuckles.

“I managed with Octavia,” Lexa said, “but I damaged some of your equipment, it is my intention to replace it.” Abby looked up at her for a second, nodded, and then looked down at her hands once again.

“Whatever Raven did to upset you like this, I am sure she didn’t mean it.” Abby said, and Lexa clenched her jaw.

“What makes you assume that this has anything go do with her?”

“You arrived an hour after noon and then you immediately left to check on Raven, you were with her all afternoon, sleeping. Raven is good, she didn’t get what she deserved, the mother she deserved.” Abby shook her head as she injected some anesthesia around Lexa’s cuts, some of them needed stitches. “So I check on her regularly, especially when you aren’t here, it throws her off balance.”

Lexa didn’t say anything and Abby didn’t move her eyes away from the stitches she was applying.

“She is getting attached to you, the bond is developing, I didn’t expect it to happen but I believe it to be a good thing.” Abby said. “I didn’t want her to be trapped in a loveless marriage, not after she was trapped in a loveless family for most of her life.”

“She doesn’t feel the same way.” Lexa said, her tone cold, not even caring she was sharing parts of her private life with Abby, she was too tired to care.

“What do you mean?” Abby asked, stopping what she was doing to look at Lexa for a second, the Commander didn’t meet her eyes.

“She is devastated because she cares about me, crying, sobbing so hard her whole body was shaking. All because she is starting to have feelings towards me.” Lexa said and Abby nodded in understanding, finishing one hand, bandaging it and then moving to the other.

“It isn’t you.” Abby said.

“Of course it is me, I had her lover executed, I abandoned her people to certain death, I had her tied to a pole and cut her up with my own hands, and then I got her pregnant against her will.”

“You didn’t get her pregnant against her will.” Abby said, looking up at Lexa, eyes sharp. “She accepted marrying you and she accepted to carry your children, she could have said no, but she didn't.”

“It wasn’t really a choice for her, and I have tried to make it at least pleasant for her, but that doesn’t change that I am not good, that I have caused her pain, and that makes her feel devastated for caring about me.”

“Raven is not good with feelings.” Abby said plainly snapping off her gloves and throwing them away before looking at Lexa straight in the eyes. “Her mother was a drug addict that exchanged Raven’s food for drugs and alcohol, so she spent most of her childhood staring at the stars and starving, she then met the boy next door and he became the only thing she had, they became friends and then lovers, but what was between them? Love, necessity, dependency? Sure, Raven cared about him, but she didn’t really know why, then she came down to earth and found that her boyfriend had fallen in love with someone else and still she couldn’t cut him off, she was still there for him, but it hurt her, it must have. And then he got himself killed senselessly, trying to save someone that didn’t need saving. Which must have hurt even worse.” Abby said, leaning on the bed next to Lexa.

“What I’m trying to say is that she hasn’t had a good experience with feelings, the people that were meant to love her failed her, and the man that chose to love her failed her as well. She doesn’t know what to do with her feelings, she never had someone to teach her how love works, she never had stability or support, and the person who gave it to her ended up betraying her. So, yes, maybe there are things you have done that make it difficult for her to love you, or to accept she loves you, but that isn’t the main thing, her past, her experience with love is what makes things difficult for her.” Abby said, turning her head to the side to look at Lexa, the alpha hadn’t interrupted, not even once, instead she was listening intently. hanging onto Abby’s every word. “She is having feelings now, feelings that usually have led her to suffer a great deal of pain, she probably has no idea what to do with them, she’s probably scared out of her mind. I am sure she didn’t want to be put in this position again, but you have been good to her, a lot better than I would have dared to expect, so she can’t help it, and believe me when I say that I have been watching her try to talk herself out of those feelings for a while now.”

“I thank you, truly, I had not thought of this.” Lexa said, finally turning to look at Abby, letting their eyes meet.

“No, you jumped straight into blaming yourself, which says a lot about you.” Abby said, moving her eyes all over Lexa’s face. “You treat her well, you do know how to love someone. I wouldn’t have believed that when we first met, I wouldn’t believe it at all if I didn’t see it almost every day now.”

“I believe I learnt from my mother,” Lexa said, turning away for a second, gathering some courage and then looking at Abby, “she was, is-” Lexa shook her head slightly, trying not to let her mind wander into dangerous territory, “a healer, like you. She cared for me, for my wounds with a touch similar to yours, you remind me of her sometimes.” Lexa said, looking away from Abby’s eyes and touching gently the bandages covering her knuckles.

Abby was instantly transported to that moment inside the tent, Lexa was dying and in her agony she had been sure Abby was her mother. Abby remembered that moment with perfect clarity.

Lexa took her silence the wrong way and instantly backtracked. 

“I didn't mean to offend you, I know your skills go way beyond what my healers can even imagine.”

“I took no offense,” Abby said, “you just seem to love her very much, you were saying she taught you how to love?” Lexa nodded and pulled her shirt up, there were 2 tattoos, one below each breast, both were birds, one of them had a broken wing. Abby had seen them before and she assumed the Commander had gotten them for Raven on their wedding day.

“My mother taught me how to love by loving me, I learned from how she treated me and how she cared for me, but one day I was playing outside with her and we saw a little bird fall from the nest, the branch was high and the little bird was hurt. It looked small and scared and it was making the pitiest sound I have ever heard, all because one of its wings had broken. I called my mother over, screamed, telling her it was an emergency.” The Commander smiled a little lost in thought and Abby’s chest got just a little tight. “She picked it up so very gently and asked me to get some supplies for her, then we sat at the table and I watched as she delicately put the bird’s wing in some sort of sling or splint. It was marvellous to watch, the bird was tiny and my mother’s fingers were always very long and strong, similar to mine.” Lexa said, looking down at her fingers, long and full of scars.

She then looked up at Abby, like she had suddenly remembered she was there.

“I didn’t come out of my mother’s womb, but I like to think her hands are mine, too.” Lexa said and Abby nodded, her lips twitching up at the corners. “I was worried about the bird, I didn’t want it to die and so Mother put it on my hands and told me that we would care for it together until it healed enough to fly again. Nomon said that there was no healing without love, without care, without attention. She said that to love properly I needed to be patient and attentive and understanding, that, like healing, I couldn’t expect it to happen all at once. She said that some healed quicker than others, and that it was the same with love, she said that some loved quicker than others, and she also said that even if love, or healing took longer, was slower, it didn’t mean that it was less true.” Lexa said and Abby watched as she absentmindedly caressed the tattoo of the bird with the broken wing. “She also said that the only difference between love and healing is that with love two people heal instead of one.”

Abby was left quiet for a few seconds, thinking, Lexa’s mother sounded like a kind woman. Wise, too.

“Did it work? Did you heal it?” Abby asked and Lexa looked up at her, her eyes looking the lightest Abby had ever seen, and she couldn’t help but imagine a small child, thin and tan and with messy braids, walking around with a small bird on her shoulder.

“Yes, it took some time, but at the end of the day it could fly on its own. After that we would always see it flying around, close to our window, it brought me joy.”

“You must have been proud.” Abby said, allowing herself to smile.

“I was happy and I felt like my mother was some kind of magnificent healing being. In my eyes she was a… how do sky people call it? A hero, I believe.” Lexa said and Abby nodded.

“When I saw the tattoos for the first time I had assumed that the one with the broken wing was for Raven, because of her leg.” Abby said, she didn’t know much about tattoos, but now that she had seen them more closely, actually paid attention to them, she could see that the bird with the broken wing tattoo looked older.

“No, I got this one for Raven.” Lexa said, pointing to the bird on the other side of her ribcage, they looked fairly different, different species of bird, one smaller, broken, the other perfect, defined, wings spread wide across Lexa’s ribs. It was magnificent, and Abby wondered if that was how Lexa saw Raven, even before really getting to know her. “Her leg hardly stops her, her mind is too strong.” Lexa said, standing up from the bed. “I will do my best to make Raven feel better. I appreciate your council, Abby kom Skaikru.” 

Abby gave Lexa a small nod and asked Lexa to wait as she walked towards the supply closet, she came back with a pill bottle and offered it to the Commander. Lexa looked at her with a confused expression.

“You are entering rut, I can smell it on you. It is a little late, but not too much.” Abby said. “With everything that’s happening with Raven I imagine that you wouldn’t want to ask her to-”

“I would never.” Lexa said at once, holding onto the pills and then offering them back to Abby. “Raven has been my first partner in years, I know how to handle a rut without company.”

“I do not doubt it, this will just make it easier. We didn’t spend much trying to keep the omegas comfortable with their heats, but we did everything we could to make sure no alpha would get volatile and violent during rut. The meds aren’t perfect, your genitals will still change, you will still feel the same need as always, but I can assure those urges will be so mild you will be able to ignore them altogether. The side effects aren’t too strong either, but given that you are a pure blood you might have to take a higher dose, just don’t take more than 4 in 24 hours.” Abby said, walking away before Lexa could refuse the meds once again.

……………

The Commander walked to the room where she had left Raven to see Clarke coming out of it with a worried frown on her face. Lexa glanced around the hallway, her guards were standing post next to the door and so she opened a random door and motioned Clarke towards it. The blonde nodded and went in right behind Lexa.

“Hey,” Clarke sighed, pulling the Commander into a tight hug. Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke’s waist and leaned her head on her shoulder, placing a kiss on Clarke’s neck. “How are you?”

“I am okay, I talked to your mother, she brought some clarity to the current situation.” Lexa said, and Clarke pulled away just enough to look at her, eyes a little wide.

“My mother? since when do you talk to my mother?”

“It has only happened twice and I didn’t plan it. She might not be the best leader, but she is a good healer and has given me good council for some things.” Lexa said and Clarke eyebrows went right to her hairline.

“Okay, that’s weird, but okay.”

“It is also good that she sees something different from the usual savage woman that goes around killing people.” Lexa said, “maybe it will make a difference when you tell her about us.” She leaned her forehead against Clarke’s and brushed their noses together.

Clarke cupped her cheeks, feeling impossibly warm, and kissed her.

“I am sure it will, it is really good. You are not a savage though.”

“I know, but I also know that’s how she initially saw me and my people. It is important to me that you keep a good relationship with her.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled, moving in to hug her again, rubbing her hands up and down Lexa’s back.

“I know, you are so good.”

“Sha?” Lexa said, her tone doubtful.

“Sha.” Clarke said, bringing her down for another kiss.

“You were with Raven?” Lexa asked and Clarke nodded.

“Yes, she’s been asleep for awhile, I stayed with her in case she got upset again. I understand why you got upset, there was no way of taking what she was saying in a good way.”

“It hurt.” Lexa said, relenting, “I know how she felt about me initially, what she thought of me, I believed that could have been the reason she was so devastated about caring for me. But your mother said some things and I understand things better now, it helped.”

“Oh my god, this is so weird.” Clarke said, scrunching up her face, “My mother giving you relationship advice.”

“I suppose it is.” Lexa said. “Do you think I should go and try to talk to Raven right now?”

“No, she’s asleep, exhausted from all the crying. I think she needs some time to make peace with what she feels and she won’t be able to do that with you hovering.”

Lexa leaned her forehead against Clarke, feeling deeply concerned.

“Okay. Am I welcomed in your rooms then?” Lexa asked, unsure. Clarke smiled and held tightly onto Lexa’s shoulders.

“You would be any other day, but not today.” Clarke said, pulling away and taking a step back, her body losing contact with Lexa’s. Only their hands stayed locked in the middle.

“What do you mean?” Lexa asked, her brows twisting into a frown.

“Raven just realized she is starting to fall for you, what if that makes her feel differently about you and me being together too? what if she’s no longer okay with it? after all, she only pushed you to be with me because she didn’t love you and because she thought she never would.” Clarke said, her heart progressively aching more and more. A knot was forming in her throat, fire building up in her gut. Lexa’s expression fell so fast it physically hurt the blonde to watch it happen.

“No.”

“Lexa…”

“NO!” the Commander snapped in growl. “She can’t do that. She can’t just push me into doing this and then take it back. I could take it before, when I thought I didn’t have a chance, but now I have you and I can’t stand the thought of losing you.” Lexa pulled away from Clarke, pacing, her face got hot and red, her eyes burned and she suddenly felt like she had to have a go with the punching bag again.

“We both know you won’t marry me if she isn’t okay with it.”

“Clarke-”

“It’s okay, we have had some time, it has been wonderful.” Clarke said, taking Lexa’s hand to stop her from pacing. Her blue eyes were flooded with salty water, it took everything in her to keep them from falling.

“I want more of that, I want it all, until my fight ends.” Lexa said, grabbing Clarke by the arms, shaking her. Her eyes were wild and frightened, jumping all over Clarke’s face.

“You won’t do it if she doesn’t agree.”

“I am Heda, I can do whatever I want.” Lexa snapped, her voice coming out in a growl.

“Yes, but you still won’t do that because you feel like it isn’t okay. This is why you just didn’t came to me, you needed Raven approval first. She is your wife and I understand that, I will make things easy for you. If she disagrees I will quit my position as Ambassador and I will leave, you will never see me again. After all, you were going to do basically the same if my mother didn’t agree with our marriage.”

“It’s not the same.”

“Lexa…” Clarke said, her tone low and sad. “Just go get some rest, you’ve had an awful day.”

Lexa turned to face her, eyes dark and blank as she turned around and left the room, not telling Clarke another word.

When the sun came up she was gone.

…………..

“Come on, I know you aren’t asleep” Clarke said into the dark room, the lump that made Raven’s body was still, but the blonde knew her friend wasn’t asleep. “Come with me, I need to show you something.”

The omega groaned and stood up, knowing that Clarke would take her outside because of the many layers of clothes the alpha made her wear.

When they made it outside they saw the world was covered in white.

“Holy shit…” Raven cursed lowly, reaching down to touch the white stuff, feeling it in her fingers, feeling it as it feel on her hair and face.

“I had a similar reaction. First snow of the season, everyone says it came early.” Clarke said and Raven was transported to that conversation she had with Lexa, the one where the alpha had told her that it had gotten colder earlier than usual.

“What were you doing here? You must have been outside to see it” Raven said, standing up with both hands filled with snow.

“Waiting for her.”

“You think she will come back?” Raven asked and Clarke turned to look at her, eyes sharp.

“I know she will come back. If not for us then for the child, the next ultrasound will come soon enough.”

“I am sorry Clarke, I hadn’t thought of how me fucking her up would also fuck you up.” Raven said, her head hanging low, her hands getting cold.

“She didn’t leave because of you, or at least you aren’t the only reason why she left.” Clarke said, looking away from the omega.

A wave of protectiveness made Raven choke with her own breath, she cleared her throat and angled her body towards Clarke’s.

“What did you do?”

“I told her the truth, I told her that now that you had realized you had feelings for her that you might not be so okay with me being with her too, and that we wouldn’t marry if that was the case.”

Raven’s blood boiled.

“She woke up to me crying, sobbing like someone had died, like the world was ending, like there was a catastrophe happening, all because I realized I’m starting to feel for her…” Raven said, anger coloring her words. “And on that same night you decided to tell her that you wouldn’t marry her? Are you fucking insane? How much do you think she can take, Clarke?!”

“It isn’t that I won’t marry her. She won’t marry me if you don’t approve, and I am not stupid Raven, I know that everything that happened was triggered by the fact that she spent the night with me and not you, you got jealous. I felt it through the radio so don’t even dare to deny it.” Clarke said and Raven looked away, embarrassed.

“I won’t keep her from being with you, she loves you and you love her. I can’t tear you apart, not when I insisted so much, not when I basically pushed her to be with you.”

“You will have to if you can’t handle us sleeping together, Raven.”

“I am new to this Clarke, I do not know how it works, we will figure it out.” Raven said, and it didn’t even sound convincing to her own ears. Clarke walked up to her, until they were only inches apart.

“Your head is saying that, just like it told you to let Lexa be with me, just like it told you it was okay for Lexa to marry me, just like it told you to invite me to the ultrasound. You are being rational and logical and your mind is saying all of these things, all the perfect things, the ideal things. But guess what, Raven? your heart doesn’t fucking agree!” Clarke said, her voice bursting into a shout, her pheromones flaring so much Raven had to look away.

“What you are thinking doesn’t match what you are feeling and you know it.” Clarke said, forcing herself to go back under control. “You invited me to the ultrasound, but I am sure you were glad I decided not to go. You told Lexa to be with me, but you can’t sleep knowing that she’s sleeping with me instead of you. You think so much and you try so hard to twist your feelings with logic, but it isn’t working, I know you are jealous and the only reason Lexa hasn’t noticed is because she believes you are being truthful, she doesn’t think you’d lie to her.”

“Do you think I planned this? That I would push Lexa to you just to get pathetically jealous a few weeks later? I didn’t think I’d ever love her, I thought we’d just fuck around whenever we wanted and that I eventually would get to have a relationship with someone outside of our marriage in secret and so would she.” Raven said, visibly agitated. “I didn’t think I would ever give a shit about her, it’s not my fault she’s who she is, it’s not my fault I still haven’t mastered having complete control over my feelings, Clarke.”

The blonde sighed, shaking her head as she looked down at her feet.

“Clarke.” Raven said softly as she walked up to the blonde and put a hand on her arm. “I am not taking her away from you, you can marry her, you have my blessing.”

“You are not okay with it, Raven.” Clarke whispered, her blue eyes shining with wetness.

“Maybe not right now, but we will work it out. I am not bullshitting you, we will find a way Clarke, together.” Raven said. “I told Lexa she could be with you months ago, things happened between you two, you both were happy. I can’t just go back on it, it would be wrong. It would be cruel. I might not be completely comfortable now but I don’t want to be the person tearing you apart.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

………………………

“I wouldn’t have taken you for the kind of person that runs from her problems.” Raven said, her heart was beating fast in her chest, her mind was turning and she could barely breathe. Lexa was back, after three weeks, she was back.

Raven watched her back, shoulders layered with snow, white covering her intricate braids. Her shoulders had tensed as soon as she had heard Raven’s voice and she straightened, standing from her position, she had been kneeling in front of Bouda and Vulcan, giving them some love.

Raven watched Lexa stand and turn around to face her, her lips looked completely white, her eyes rimmed red, dark circles under them. Raven didn’t know where Lexa had been, but the conditions had obviously treated the Commander poorly. Raven looked at her and felt her muscles tense, worry burning in her stomach, Lexa’s cheekbones and jaw looked sharper than usual with weight loss.

“There is a fucking snow storm going on outside, and you were traveling in it.” Raven said, unable to contain her anger.

“Would you have preferred that I had stayed in the middle of it?” Lexa said, her voice flat and low. “Would you have preferred if I had frozen to death, buried in snow? The storm is getting worse, I couldn’t wait it out. We made it here just in time, there was no storm when we started our trip.” Lexa said, and then her eyes took a dangerous sharpness. “And I do not run from my problems, I did not run from you or Clarke, my duty called and I answered.”

“Your duty called you in the middle of the night?” Raven said, her tone implying that she didn’t believe a word of what Lexa was saying.

“The rider came close to sunrise, I left as soon as I could. A group of Nomads attacked one of our villages, took their rations for the winter, I spent the past three weeks travelling around the surrounding villages, deciding what they could spare and taking it to the village that was attacked. I did not have time to lose.” Lexa said.

“Not even to tell me this?”

“You had exhausted yourself crying, I tried to wake you and you didn’t bulge. I couldn’t wait much longer.” Lexa said and Raven lowered her head, unable to look at her any longer.

“I understand if you are mad at me, it just isn’t what you think.” Raven said, taking a step closer to Lexa. She hoped the Commander would meet her half way, but the alpha didn’t bulge.

“I am not mad, I understand your reaction.”

“You do?” Raven said, incredulous, knowing in her gut that she wouldn’t like Lexa’s answer.

“I am the Commander, the decisions I have had to take don’t make loving me easy. I understand if you feel shameful, resentful to yourself for being able to care for someone like me.” Lexa said and Raven’s heart dropped to her stomach. She walked towards Lexa in 3 long steps and reached out to cup her face, the Commander didn’t let her and moved out of the way.

Raven took a step back like she had been slapped and clenched her hands into fists.

“That’s not why I started crying that day, that’s not why you saw me so devastated and broken, that’s just not it.” Raven said and Lexa just stared at her, eyes cold. “I won’t deny that sometimes when I think about you I think about the murderous traitor that killed my boyfriend and abandoned my people, but most of the time when I think about you I think about the person that holds me at night, that helps me through my nightmares like it is no big deal, that makes sure I eat well and that I don’t overwork myself. I think about the things you give me and also about the things you are, selfless, caring, respectful, honest. I think about you and my stomach starts fluttering and I feel warm inside and then I start thinking about how you kiss me and how you touch me and that brings on a whole lot of other things that have me daydreaming.” Raven said, feeling so very scared when Lexa’s expression didn’t change.

“I am falling in love with you, I feel foolish and silly and I have found myself writing our initials inside poorly drawn hearts all over my notebooks. It feels new and fresh and it makes me feel young and free. And at the same time it makes me feel trapped and contained and like I will never be myself again. Because I have always being mostly on my own and now I don’t like sleeping if you aren’t there, and I miss the sound of your voice early in the morning, when it’s all low and scratchy and you do this thing where you trail your nose up my neck and cheek.” Raven shook her head and held onto her hair tightly, loosening her pony tail. Lexa was staring at her, green eyes getting a little wide, her pale cheeks getting just a bit of color.

“Do you see this? I am rambling, I am rambling about you. It’s silly, it makes me feel stupid and I hate it because it happens all the time in my head and Abby keeps giving me this knowing looks that just make me want to slap her across the face.” Raven said, moving closer to Lexa, cupping her cold cheeks, this time the Commander didn’t move away. “I’ve known you for almost 4 months now and I am falling for you, and I have tried to stop, I have tried to deny it because it makes me feel crazy and out of control and I am not used to feeling like that, not even with Finn. But I can’t deny it anymore, I am falling for you and I can’t handle it, I don’t know what to do with it. I don’t know how to love you without feeling like I am being torn in all directions. Love for me has never ended well, the people I have loved have hurt me, have betrayed me, have left me so I am scared, I am so fucking scared.” Raven had to stop when her voice cracked, her hands were shaking where they were pressed to Lexa’s cheeks and the Commander was looking back at her with those huge, light green eyes that made her stomach flutter.

“Raven-” Lexa tried to say, but the omega cut her off.

“I am really fucking scared, I am so scared I can’t breathe. Feeling all this things scares me and I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to love you and I am sorry. Just please, do not think it is because of you, because it isn’t, it’s me and I don’t know what to do.” Raven said, getting a little upset when Lexa didn’t say anything. “I need you to say something now before I lose my mind.”

“I didn’t know if you were finished.”

“I am, say something.”

“Your heart is precious to me, I do not want to hurt it, to hurt you.” Lexa said, her eyes honest. “But I can’t promise you that I never will, that would be a lie, we will hurt each other one way or another eventually, it just happens. However, I can promise you that I will do everything, absolutely everything I can to keep it from happening. I can promise you that every action I commit towards you will have no malice behind it, and that if I ever hurt you you can be sure that it was not intentional. I can promise that I will apologize and that I will mean it, and I can promise you that I will do my best to fix what I did wrong and that I won’t stop until I have lessened the pain I caused you, because you matter to me Raven, very much.” Lexa said, taking one of Raven’s hands from her cheek and kissing the back of it

Raven nodded quickly, her heart hitting her ribs so hard she felt they would suddenly snap.

“I understand your fear, I am afraid too, for different reasons but still afraid.” Lexa said, “I know you don’t know what to do about your feelings and that you don’t like how out of control they made you feel, you just need to realize that there is nothing to control, you just do what you desire to do, what comes naturally and everything will be okay.”

Raven nodded, shivering when Lexa ran her thumb over her cheek.

“We just have to be, to exist, that’s all.”

“So you aren’t mad at me? you were hurt, I saw it in your face.” Raven said.

“I am not mad, but I won’t deny it hurt to think you felt so bad about caring for me. I thought it was about who I am, what hurt the most was that there’s no way I can change it.” Lexa said her eyes downcast. “I take pride in my title, I feel honored to be the protector of my people, but I’d be lying if I said this is what I would have chosen for myself if I had had a choice.”

“I know, and I get it, I understand your position and most of what it entails.” Raven offered, staring at the lines of exhaustion in Lexa’s face, aching to take her to bed. “I know I don’t understand it to the extent Clarke does, I know I can’t cause I’ve never been in a position like that, but I believe I understand enough.”

Lexa nodded and took a step forward, giving Raven the option to move away or move closer. The omega moved into Lexa’s espace and buried her face in her neck, the Commander’s skin was just starting to warm up after spending so much time outside in the snow storm, and the snow was starting to melt on her clothes, leaving them cold and wet.

“There’s one more thing I need to tell you.” Raven said. “I have started to show.”

“What?” Lexa said, pulling away with a confused expression. “Show what?”

Raven stepped back and Lexa noticed she was wearing her hunting jacket, the one she had sent her to help with the mate sickness. Raven opened the jacket and pulled the shirt up. Lexa froze, her mouth parted in shock, eyes wide as her eyes moved from Raven’s belly to her eyes. There was a curve, small, but noticeable. Raven’s abdomen was no longer flat.

“We are at 4 months now, we can have the ultrasound tomorrow or in a few days, once you have rested, but this one is surely growing.” Raven said and it took Lexa a very long time to react.

The Commander moved close to Raven, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and pressing her lips against her forehead as her free hand reached down to touch Raven’s belly.

“I am so sorry I was not here to see this happen, to tend to your needs.”

“It’s fine, you didn’t leave because you wanted to and you are here now. The baby missed you.” Raven said, refusing to say she had been the one dying to have Lexa near. The Commander didn’t question her and pulled her tightly into a warm embrace instead.

“I missed them and you as well.”

“You can spend some time with us back in bed, you are exhausted and you really need to get out of this clothes.” Raven said, helping the Commander get out of the rest of her armor and clothes and then helping her get into a very warm, intricately knitted sweater and shorts. Raven then prompted the Commander to sit on the bed and took her time to unmake all the braids, massaging her scalp for a few seconds before laying on the mattress with Lexa wrapped up around her.

Raven’s head rested against Lexa’s collarbone, the softness of the sweater pressed against her cheek. She could feel one of Lexa’s arms curled protectively around her waist, while the other was pressed over her belly, laying gently over the soft curve.

“In just a few more months we will have our baby with us.” Lexa said, and Raven could really tell what she was feeling through her tone, she knew the baby was a difficult subject for Lexa, they always would be.

“Next month we will know the biological sex, they will be big enough and we will be able to see it on the ultrasound.” Raven mentioned and Lexa’s arm tightened around her, a moment later Raven felt a kiss being delivered to the top of her head.

“It doesn’t matter, they will be loved and cared for either way. However, it will be nice to be able to call them by their name.”

“So you have no preference regarding gender?” Raven asked and felt Lexa shake her head.

“No, why would I? It makes no difference.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, there was no way to ignore that the traditional gender schemes had no place on the ground.

“Yeah.” Raven said, pushing herself up slightly to look down at Lexa, the Commander’s eyes were half closed, framed by deep bags. Raven wanted to let her sleep, but there was a subject they weren’t touching, one that Lexa was avoiding and Raven couldn’t let her go to bed with that doubt.

“I won’t stop you from marrying Clarke.”

“Raven-”

“No, listen to me, you will marry her and she will be a part of our family.”

“If you are not okay with it-”

“I get jealous, I don’t know how to handle it, but I believe that we can figure it together. I pushed you towards her I can’t just tell you to leave her now, I’d be cruel of me, I’d would hurt you both and I can’t deal with that.” Raven said, putting an end to the conversation by laying back down on Lexa’s chest and telling her to sleep.

“We are not done with this conversation-” Lexa said and Raven kissed her before she could say anything else, when she pulled away the Commander’s eyes were almost closed, red with exhaustion, but there was a small smile on her lips.

Raven ran her thumb over one sharp cheekbone, worried about the weight loss. She knew running around Trikru territory during the winter, hauling supplies from one place to another couldn’t have been easy, much less when she knew the mate sickness had the same effect on Lexa as it did on her. Much less when she knew that Lexa must have gone into rut while she was away.

“Can you just go to sleep now?” Raven asked, looking down at Lexa with an exasperated frown.

“No, I spent the last 3 weeks waiting to see you again. Now that I have the chance I can’t bare to waste it.” Lexa whispered, her voice low and just a little slurred, her eyelids fell shut and they were slow to open.

Raven’s stomach fluttered, her pulse quickened and she couldn’t stop herself from smiling. If she was able to blush she would have.

“You can see me tomorrow and the day after.” Raven said, laying on the bed and rolling Lexa gently until the alpha was resting on her chest. It was unusual, but that night Raven felt like Lexa was the one who needed to be held the most.

The Commander didn’t fight, curling an arm protectively around Raven’s waist and burying her nose in the base of her neck. She felt so pleasantly warm when Raven tightened an arm around her back, when she felt her hand rub gently up and down. Then, when Raven started caressing her neck she knew she couldn’t fight any longer, her eyes felt like they weighted a hundred pounds and she couldn’t even attempt to open them.

“You promise?” Lexa murmured and Raven whispered a quiet yes in her ear, feeling how her breathing evened out just a few seconds later.

That night Raven didn’t sleep, she felt vibrant with relief. The past 3 weeks had been clouded with the fear of Lexa leaving permanently, of being left and abandoned, and now she was back and the omega couldn’t stop looking at her. She just couldn’t stop.

Around sun rise someone suddenly entered the room, Raven was startled and she could only tighten her arms around Lexa. The alpha in her exhaustion didn’t even stir.

“O.” Raven said, taking in her friend, she looked almost as exhausted as Lexa. She had disappeared around the same time Lexa had so there was no surprise they had been together.

“I was ordered to come check on Heda, she has a meeting with the chiefs of the Trikru villages.”

“Why you? Why not one of her guards?” Raven asked quietly, pulling the blankets up so they covered Lexa’s shoulders, she didn’t feel okay with someone watching her asleep, while she was so vulnerable.

“She told me that she would train me if Indra didn’t come to me after 2 weeks, it’s been 3 and Indra was with us.”

“So you are her second now.” Raven said, arching her eyebrows.

“Basically.”

“But you hate her guts.” Raven said plainly and Octavia nodded, there was no point in hiding it, Lexa knew too anyway.

“I do, but I love her fighting style more, she choked me with her fucking legs Raven.” Octavia said. “She’s fast, she’s strong, a traitorous bastard too but still. One is not a second forever anyway, just until I finish my training.”

“If she goes to war for whatever reason you will have to be in the frontlines with her, you could get killed.” Raven said, like Octavia didn’t know that already.

“Who better to train me than the best warrior on the 12 Clans, right? Lessens my chances of getting killed.”

“You do know that there have been 4 assassination attempts against her just in the past months, right?” Raven said and she knew by the way Octavia’s jaw clenched that the omega hadn’t known. “The one on the cabin and then at the Mountain, those were just 2 and there were 2 more before that.”

“The Ice Queen is dead now, so those shouldn’t happen again soon. I will take my chances either way and nothing you say will make me back off so stop what you are doing and wake her up, she has a meeting.”

“The meeting can wait, she’s tired and so are you. The thing with the Nomads, it isn’t good is it?”

Octavia sighed and sat on the floor with her back to the door.

“The bastards are a bunch of deserters, bandits and those that have been exiled from the Clans. Mixed together they have become a problem, grown in numbers over the years. They usually stay in the Dead Zone, the land is theirs and they can hunt and farm near the borders without getting in much trouble, but sometimes they also travel around the clans in small parties stealing. It gets bad during the winter because the Dead Zone goes through something called the freeze, below zero temperatures that they can’t handle with the lack of supplies.”

“So they raid the villages closest to them.” Raven said and Octavia nodded.

“Yeah, they know at this time of the year they are almost impossible to track because of the snow, so the only thing we could do was gather supplies for the raided village and double the security in the villages closer to the Dead Zone, which is a problem with how hard it is to travel in this weather.” Octavia said, resting her head on her knees and sighing.

“So it is just a matter of time before they attack again.” Raven asked and Octavia nodded.

“Yeah, which is why she isn’t going back to Polis. She was supposed to travel there two weeks ago but now she has to stay here, Polis is too far away from the border with the Dead Zone.” Octavia said and then glanced at the Commander’s sleeping form. “I am not surprised she is like this, she was on her feet or riding almost all day, every day for the past three weeks. She was barely sleeping, barely eating and vomiting on top of all of that. That mate sickness medicine doesn’t really help her much. She should delegate more, if she doesn’t start she is gonna end up completely burnt out.”

“She can’t do that, she can’t delegate. And I think the vomiting had to do more with the rut suppressants than with the mate sickness”

“Cause she’s a traitorous asshole with trust issues, she only seems to trust Indra and that isn’t enough.” 

“Everyone else she trusted is dead and it’s not like she can let you help, she knows you hate her guts.”

“True.” Octavia said, shrugging her shoulders. “I hope she dies from exhaustion after she trains me.” the omega said and Raven could have burned a hole through her forehead with the intensity of her glare.

“Relax baby mama, I am only kidding.” Octavia said as she stood up. “What should I tell the chiefs?”

“That she wants them to come up with solutions for the problem on their own and that she will revise them tomorrow, today she needs to oversee things in Polis via radio because she can no longer travel there.” Raven said and Octavia nodded.

“Fine, I’ll come shadow her later.”

“There won’t be any training today O, you can find someone else to choke you.” Raven said and Octavia gave her a look.

“Lincoln does it just fine.” Octavia said, hoping to make Raven uncomfortable, but the omega only smirked.

“Kinky.” Raven said, wiggling her eyebrows, Octavia rolled her eyes and walked towards the door.

“O, wait!” Raven said in a hushed tone.

“Yeah?”

“Tell Clarke to come here.”

“Are you sure you want that? The Princess has been taking suppressants like crazy for the last couple of days, she’s on the last days of her rut according to Monty.” Octavia said. “You were here, how did you know notice?”

Because we have been avoiding each other, Raven thought.

“Just tell her to come for me.”

“Sure thing, Houmon kom Heda.” Octavia said, bowing in a mocking manner before leaving.

………………

Clarke entered Raven’s room, saw Lexa laying on the bed and Raven sitting by the desk. The blonde moved her eyes away from the Commander and rubbed at her sore eyes with her fist.

“You look tired.” Raven said as she regarded Clarke’s expression, her eyelids heavy, her mouth tilted down, her back slouching,

“The suppressants make me sleepy, it came almost a month late. No matter what my mom does I can’t just keep a regular rhythm.”

“I thought you might have wanted to know she is back.”

“I knew as soon as I saw Indra was back.” Clarke said.

“And it doesn’t bother you that she came to me first?” Raven asked, not understanding how Clarke was just so fine with everything.

“You are her wife.”

“You will be the same soon enough.”

“You don’t know that.” Clarke said, pheromones flaring, fists clenching at her sides. She was getting worked up and they both knew Raven wouldn’t leave it alone.

“Why are you just giving up on her?”

“Giving up? Are you fucking kidding me? you threw a fit because she spent the night with me, I won’t be a homewrecker-” Clarke said, shutting up when she saw Lexa stir on the bed with a small frown on her face.

“You are not a homewrecker, we are all consenting adults.” Raven said, her voice a whisper.

“You are saying that, but that’s not how you feel and we both know it.”

“We will work it out.” Raven watched Clarke’s disbelieving expression and stood up, walking up to the alpha and getting in her space. “I know you think it is bullshit but it isn’t, you are ready to accept me being with her too, you are ready to accept it all even if I am sure things don’t feel much better to you either, but you are doing it anyway cause you love her like crazy and because you know she loves you too.” Raven took a deep breath and softened her gaze. “You know her having feelings for me doesn’t make her love you any less, doesn’t make her love for you less real and valid. Her love for you came naturally Clarke, with me it was different, she was forced to marry me and she has been so good to me and sometimes I can barely believe it comes from her heart and not from her duty, so I just need some time. Give me time to realize that she loves me for me and not because of decision she was forced to make, give me time to make peace with it all and to not be so afraid she’s with me cause she has to while you are the person she really loves. I am messy and it will take a while but I truly believe I can do this. Trust that we will make it through this.”

“Okay.” Clarke said, letting out a heavy breath.

“Okay?”

“Yeah, Okay.”

“Good, you can lay with her for a while if you wanna, I have to do some stuff over here.” Raven said, pointing at her desk.

“You sure?”

“Yeah, I know you are dying to hold her. I know I was.” Raven said, sitting on her chair and facing away from the bed.

Clarke breathed in deeply and tentatively sat on the edge of the bed, she looked at Lexa for a couple of minutes and then decided to lay on her side, facing the Commander.

Lexa felt the shift, the muted scent of another alpha coming out of rut greeted her senses and she opened her eyes as best as she could.

“Hey Heda.”

“Clarke.” Lexa said, trying to incorporate herself at once. Clarke shook her head and put a hand on her shoulder to push her back down.  
“I heard the Nomads are giving you a hard time, enjoy this day, tomorrow you will have to go back to the fight.” Clarke whispered, pulling the blankets up to Lexa’s shoulders, they had fallen off when she had tried to sit up.

“She will marry you, Robot.” Raven said from her place by the desk.

“Raven.” Clarke chastised.

“Clarke?” Lexa asked, confused, glancing at Clarke before turning her face to look at Raven.

“Just go back to sleep, we will talk about everything when you wake up, the three of us.” The blonde said. “We are going to work things out, okay?” Lexa nodded and moved a little closer, Clarke did the same, pressing her lips to the top of Lexa’s head before looking at Raven’s back. The Mechanic was typing away on her computer.

“We are going to work it out, I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry for the long wait, for some reason it took me ages to write this. It might have had to do with the fact that I started watching Jessica Jones, so much for being productive. 
> 
> Anyway, here it is and I hope you like it. This work is pretty much character driven, there's plot but it isn't really what keeps the story going, its the characters and their growth with each other. Still, I can write more about the world building and stuff if that's what you'd like and because of that I'd like to know if you would like next chapter to be about the dyanamic between our lovely trio, or about Lexa and what was going on while she was away. If you choose the Lexa themed one you will see the Nomad issue more in depth, and you will see her with Octavia and with Indra.
> 
> I told you last chapter that I would like to get to know you guys better and for you to have a more direct way to reach me if you wanted to for whatever reason so I created a tumblr account, it's pretty much bare but it will let us talk well enough.
> 
> So you can reach me here: http://siriusandhalley.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> Also, I have an idea for a story, an Octavia/Lexa story, tell me if you'd be interested on that. And I also have an idea for a Clexa story with an avatar feel to it, I really need earth bender Lexa in my life. Tell me if you are interested on any of those.
> 
> Hope to read you in the comments!


	9. Over and over again

When Lexa came to she felt more rested than ever in her life, and soon she found out the reason behind that was the omega that was lovingly holding her from behind, her warm breaths ghosting the back of Lexa’s neck. And Clarke was right in front of her, Lexa had her nose pressed against her shoulder and from time to time she would feel Clarke press her lips on her head.

 

Lexa hummed contently, feeling a joy that made her eyes wet.

 

“It took me some time to convince Raven to join us on the bed, but at the end of the day she was just too uncomfortable sitting by the desk. She seems to be sleeping well.” Clarke said and then her voice got even more quiet than before. “Maybe this can work after all.” Lexa felt her heart flutter and she moved her head so she was able to press a soft kiss to Clarke’s neck.

 

“We all need to talk, so I was thinking I could speak to the handmaiden that travels with you and ask her to bring us some food so we can talk.”

 

“I agree, let’s just stay here for one more moment.” Lexa whispered and Clarke nodded with a smile, feeling as one of Lexa’s arms wrapped around her back and squeezed.

 

After some time, Lexa let out a heavy sigh and Clarke smiled and leaned down to kiss her, chaste and sweet, nuzzling her nose gently with the Commander’s right after.

 

“She won’t be scared of loving you forever.” Clarke whispered, knowing exactly why Lexa seemed so resistant to talk.

 

“I hope so.” Lexa said, letting Clarke go so she could talk to the handmaiden.

 

“Why do you never bring Eiza? You seem to trust her more than the others.” Clarke asked, thinking about the handmaiden that Lexa always left behind in Polis.

 

“Eiza is a few years younger than me, she was there when I became Commander and she was there when the new generation of Nightbloods started to come to Polis, she has known them forever as have I. With me gone and with them knowing that Titus is no longer trustworthy, watching him chained and thinking twice about everything he says, it didn’t seem okay to take Eiza away from them too. She has been caring for them for as long as they can remember, she might still be with them after I die and after they fight the conclave. Eiza is kind and strong, she is loyal and I trust her so I feel better knowing that she is with them.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded in understanding.

 

“What about the other ones? Do you trust them as well?” Clarke asked.

 

“Some of them more than others, there are 5 handmaidens in total, 2 of the older ones that were there before my conclave and that I had grown with died recently one of sickness and the other during an assassination attempt inside the tower, at the time Titus was still someone I relied on strongly so he found the replacements. I rotate the 2 between my travels, it gives me a chance to judge their character.” Lexa said, grabbing Clarke’s hand as soon as the blonde was close enough to the bed and pulling her close, making the other alpha lay down again. “I know what you are thinking, and I have considered that idea as well.”

 

“I’m thinking that we haven’t found the mole that revealed your location at the cabin, I am thinking that all your most trusted warriors were killed during the attack and that she was with you as your Handmaiden during the wedding so she might have heard something.” Clarke said, looking into Lexa’s eyes, her own deeply filled with concern.

 

“The 2 new handmaidens were here for the wedding, not only the one around now, I remember they helped Raven dress. I have thought of that possibility Clarke, and while I won’t discard it I believe it to be unlikely. My handmaidens have access to my food, my water, they have access to my rooms, they handle my clothes, Eiza even does my braids which is something only Costia and Anya ever did before.” Lexa said and Clarke sighed, she knew perfectly well where Lexa was going.

 

“They have had plenty of chances to kill you and they haven’t.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Even the new ones, both have been with me for a little more than a year, they went through a very harsh selection process and they have had plenty of chances to kill me. Asha, the one traveling with me now, she sleeps close to me in case I need something and it is winter so her tracks would be covered by the snow if she tried to kill me and then tried to escape, she could have slit my throat and ran away and there wouldn’t have been any path to follow,” Lexa said and she watched Clarke grimace by the comment, making her regret it instantly. “it was the perfect moment to kill me and she didn’t. She spent most nights warming up my furs with heated rocks so I wouldn’t be so cold.”

 

“You need to stop talking about your death like that.” Clarke said with a frown on her face, her eyes downcast. Lexa gave her a small nod and cupped her cheek with one of her hands, pressing their foreheads together.

 

“I am here, Clarke.” Lexa whispered and the blonde closed her eyes allowing her body and her senses to take Lexa in, feel her as she was, close and warm and healthy.

 

“It’s been a long time since someone cared for you just because you are you and not because it is their job, right?” Clarke asked, her voice a little sad, her thumb tracing a thin light scar on Lexa’s neck, someone had put a knife there. Clarke didn’t know it had been Raven.

 

“Eiza seems to care for me to some extent, I consider her a friend.” Lexa said and Clarke rolled her eyes a little. Eiza might care for Lexa, but still, caring for her was her job.

 

“You know what I mean.” Clarke said and Lexa closed her eyes, the weight of Raven’s arm was draped around her waist and she liked it, she liked it so much.

 

“Yeah, it has been a long time.”

 

Clarke moved even closer, trapping Lexa’s body between her own chest and Raven’s. She took the Commander’s lips between her own and kissed her gently, letting their lips just stay pressed together, allowing both of them to breathe each other in before she tilted her head to the side a little to deepen the kiss, Lexa sighed and Clarke tasted her breath in her tongue, a shiver shot down her spine and her hand tightened into a fist around Lexa’s sweater.

 

Breathing was getting harder when there was a knock on the door, the sharp sound made them pull away and Lexa felt Raven stir behind her. Bouda jumped from his position at the end of the bed and walked towards the door, sniffing around to judge who was outside. Vulcan tried to do the same, but he stumbled with Lexa’s leg and would have fallen off if Clarke hadn’t caught him and settled him on the ground. Clarke got up to open the door just as the Mechanic started incorporating herself, glancing at the tray on Clarke’s hand from above Lexa’s shoulder with a sleepy expression.

 

“Damn, I am starving.” Raven said, her voice raspy with sleep as she sat with her back against the wall.

 

Lexa sat up as well and grabbed her pillow and Raven’s, motioning the omega to move away from the wall so the alpha could arrange the pillows comfortably behind her back. Raven shot Lexa a smile and received the tray as Clarke put it on her lap before sitting cross legged in front of Raven and Lexa.

 

The omega started eating quickly, shoving pieces of fruit into her mouth and moaning at the taste, while Clarke and Lexa took a few pieces for themselves. There were too many things on the tray, fresh meat, tea, juice, water and pieces of bread and Raven was just too hungry to notice that her companions were awfully quiet.

 

A few minutes of quiet eating passed before Raven looked up to find Clarke playing with her food and Lexa staring down at her tea.

 

“Okay, you need to stop with this weird mood you both have going on because you are ruining breakfast.” Raven said, pointing at them with her grounder version of a fork.

 

“We should talk, Raven.” Clarke said, looking up and at the omega. “About us. About how things are going to be if I marry Lexa.”

 

“When you marry Lexa.” Raven said. “We are not having this conversation again. I agree, I am all in, just marry her and that’s it, you can have a cute winter wedding with a bunch of candles and torches lighting the place, I can make fireworks and it will be really cool. I will even walk you down the aisle.” Raven said, exasperated and annoyed. “Just stop talking as if you marrying her isn’t a thing cause every time you do it hurts her.” Raven said and both her eyes and Clarke’s moved to look at Lexa at the same time.

 

“I am fine, I understand Clarke’s doubts.” her tone serious and her face blank, Clarke suddenly felt like she was in the throne room witnessing an audience with the Commander.

 

“Bullshit, I am doing what I can, so either you stop being an ass or I won’t be talking about anything.” Raven told Clarke, she knew the blonde was only looking out for her, but she knew that their back and forth was hurting Lexa and the Mechanic already had done enough of that.

 

Clarks sighed and closed her eyes for a second.

 

“We need to talk about how things are going to be when I marry Lexa.”

 

“You both will have the same rights, I will offer you both the same, my protection, my loyalty, my love. I will provide for both of you, care for you and make sure you have everything you need. And now that Skaikru is part of Trikru, you will both be expected to take part on the leadership of the Clan, not of the Coalition, just our clan, which won’t be a problem because you are both part of Arkadia’s Council, what we expect is that in time you also start taking part in the leadership of the whole Clan and not just your village.”

 

“Why didn’t you mention any of this before?” Raven asked, Lexa hadn’t mentioned it before they got married.

 

“You are not expected to do any of it right now because you are with child, given the high number of children that die before or during birth, most of the Clans show great care for a person that is carrying children. So we don’t expect them, nor want them to be part of any stressful situations.” Lexa said, “Clarke is not with child so she would have to be a part of it soon after our marriage, start learning basic things about our clan and our relationship with the rest of the clans.”

 

“Is that why you are always so annoying when I am working on anything around here?” Raven asked and Lexa nodded.

 

“I get bothered because I worry something is going to happen to you and the child, if there was anyone that could do the same as you I wouldn’t allow you to work so much.” Lexa said and Raven arched her eyebrows with a baffled expression.

 

“Allow me?” Raven said and Lexa lowered her head, knowing she had come off a little too possessive.

 

“I wouldn't want you to work so much, I would be against it completely.” Lexa said, rephrasing and Raven nodded, giving Lexa a small smile.

 

“So I would help you with handling Trikru and Raven would do so as well once she gives birth.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded even if it wasn’t really a question. “That’s okay, I wouldn’t want you to keep doing everything by yourself. I think being able to help you would be a good thing, maybe you would have more time to yourself.”

 

“Yeah, maybe you would be less tired, less stressed, you’d stop looking like you have a stick up your ass.” Raven said, Lexa glared at her and Clarke tried and failed to hide a smile behind her hand.

 

“What about our sleeping arrangements?” Clarke asked. And they all looked at each other before Lexa answered.

 

“It would be unfair to one of you if I decided to sleep with the other.”

 

“We could take turns?” Clarke proposed and Raven quickly shook her head, talking before she could process what she was about to say.

 

“I can’t sleep if she isn’t there.” Raven said, blushing when she saw the look Lexa was giving her, her green eyes open wide and a small smile playing at her lips. “I mean I can but it is difficult.” She backtracked, and Lexa’s smile got a little wider.

 

“You smell good, okay? And I’m pregnant!” She tried, but there was no way to forget what she had said.

 

“Okay, no taking turns.” Clarke said, freeing Raven of her mortification.

 

“Would it be too difficult for us to sleep together every night? Waking up to you both brought me a joy I am not able to explain, however, I understand if you are not comfortable with that.” Lexa said and Clarke and Raven looked at each other.

 

“Well, I slept just fine, things were a little cramped in this bed, and they will definitely get tight if Clarke and her little wolf move in here with us but that wouldn’t be a problem in Polis with your enormous bed. We could sleep there just fine, roll over, move around and it would take quite a few rolls for any of us to fall.” Raven said.

 

“I could talk to my mom and we might be able to take Dante’s room, it is three times the size of this one and it is on the higher levels, my mom didn’t take it because she prefers to sleep closer to the medical wing and Kane didn’t take it because he is staying at Arkadia anyway. Either way you are higher in the chain of command than them so you could just take it.” Clarke commented and Lexa nodded, thinking.

 

“Would that really be necessary though? I mean you spend most of your time either travelling or at Polis so…”

 

“That is true, but I won’t be able to go back until the issue with the Nomads is handled, and the safest place that is also close is here, so for the rest of winter, 2 months almost, we will have to stay here. Then we will travel to Polis.” Lexa said, moving her gaze from Raven to Clarke.

 

“We might have to rethink the whole thing because of Raven’s pregnancy, by then she will be six months pregnant, you will be bigger, heavier, more fatigued. We could travel to Polis, but it would have to be in the Rover and it can’t be too fast because of the poor condition of the paths, and my mom would want you back by the end of the 8 month at the latest.” the blonde mentioned and Lexa turned to look at her with a worried expression.

 

“If it is unsafe for the baby to travel then Raven must stay here.” Lexa said and from beside her the Mechanic gave Clarke a harsh glare.

 

“It isn’t unsafe,” Clarke said, watching Raven’s glare soften. “What I am saying is that it might be tiring and that by the end of the eight month we have to be back here, we would have to stay from that point until the birth and then I would recommend for an extra month or two, so the baby is a little bigger, stronger. We would need this room.”

 

“I will talk about it with your mother, we should be able to move there right after the marriage.” Lexa said and the other two nodded.

 

“What about the sex? I am pregnant and I am horny so I need to know when Lexa can take care of my needs.”

 

“Well, I am busy for most of the morning with my mom helping out around the medical wing and then in the afternoon checking how everything is going at Arkadia, so I won’t really be around the room much during the morning and early afternoon.”

 

“Okay, I can work with that, what about you though?” Raven asked.

 

“Lexa is going to start training me soon, that happens long before you even wake up so…”

 

“Got it.”

 

“What if we want some time to just talk in private or something like that?”

 

“We could talk about it? arrange it as it goes?” Lexa offered, “Because of our duty Clarke and I will spend more time together talking politics, but eventually during that time we could take a moment to ourselves, and I constantly come to check on you so we could have that time together too.”

 

“Yeah, I think that should be seeing to it as it happens because it won’t be a regular thing.” Clarke said, “We could also divide the meals, I usually have breakfast with my mom so you guys could share that, Lexa and I could share lunch and dinner…”

 

“Together.” Raven said, “We have to get used to this dynamic and that won’t happen at least that we see each other being with Lexa at the same time, instead of doing it only when the other cannot see.”

 

There was a short moment of silence, of pondering, before Clarke nodded.

 

“Okay, we can work with that for now, if something else comes up we can talk about it. Any rules?”

 

“No one keeps quiet if they are unhappy about something.” Lexa said at once. “I trust you both so if you tell me that everything is fine I will believe it even if it isn’t true, so please, do not lie to me and tell me if there is something that we have to work on.”

 

“I agree.” Clarke said.

 

Raven looked away for a second and then nodded, opening up would be difficult.

 

“Me too, any other rules?”

 

“If there are funny times going on in the bedroom, let the guard outside know so no one interrupts anything and no one sees anything they don’t want to see.” Clarke said.

 

“Agreed.”

 

“Anything else?” Lexa asked, reaching out to hold one of Clarke’s hands and one of Raven’s.

 

“I can’t think about anything right now, but if anyone does we can talk again, right?” The Mechanic said.

 

“Of course.”

 

“What about public displays of affection?” Clarke said. “I mean, can I kiss Lexa and act like her wife if you are there without making you upset?”

 

“We can ease into it slowly, nothing too strong, harmful things, kisses, hand holding, things like that. I promised I would do my best to get used to it, so please, feel free to love her however you want to. We are all trying to make this work.” Raven said and Clarke nodded. Lexa was watching her with a smile.

 

“Okay, it’s better that you go get the ultrasound done before I speak to my mother.” Clarke said, “I will go shower. When you are done with my mother one of you could tell me through the radio so I can talk to her.”

 

“You don’t want me to be there with you? we could tell her together.” Lexa said, her brows pinched in concern.

 

“No, I need to do this on my own. Take a shower, go to the ultrasound, spend some time with Raven and I will see you tonight at meeting with the Chiefs.”

 

“Clarke-” Lexa said, the blonde shut her up with a kiss, she stood up and left before the alpha could say anything else.

 

“She is stubborn, it’s an alpha thing.” Raven commented, trying to lighten the mood. Lexa turned to look at her with arched eyebrows.

 

“What’s your excuse?”

 

“Hey!” Raven said, faking offense, but she ended up chuckling. “come on Heda, let's take a shower so we can go see our pup.”

 

…………

 

They had decided to take a shower instead of bath assuming that it wouldn’t take as long, but Lexa was holding Raven from behind, both hands interlocked and resting on the omega’s belly while her forehead rested on the Mechanic’s shoulder. The warm water was gently falling above their heads and the Commander just wasn’t moving.

 

“Lexa?” Raven asked and the alpha hummed in response. “Are you okay?”

 

“Yes.” The Commander said rubbing her hand up and down the omega’s belly, feeling the curve right under her palm.

 

“You sound tired. I know being in rut while being away couldn’t have been easy, and I know you felt mate sick too. All of that plus the traveling and gathering supplies and everything else you had to do in all those villages… I understand if you are tired, you can admit it, it won’t make me think you are weak, far from it.” Raven said and Lexa sighed.

 

“I am tired.” Lexa admitted, not moving from her position. Raven turned around so they were face to face, she let the Commander’s head rest on her shoulder again and curled her arms around her back, running her fingers gently down multitude of scars covering the skin.

 

“What else?” Raven said and Lexa hesitated, not answering for a very long time. “It’s okay to tell me, you don’t have to keep everything to yourself.”

 

“I am concerned about the Nomads, about the Clans’ reaction to my marriage with Clarke, about Abby’s reaction…” Lexa whispered, not moving her head away from the side of Raven’s neck. The omega moved her hand up the Commander’s naked back and settled it on the thick scar behind her neck, right over the broken infinity symbol.

 

“You are worried about this too?” Raven asked quietly, tentatively, feeling no surprise when Lexa tensed, when all her muscles tightened at once.

 

“Do not mention that, not now.” Lexa said, her tone holding no space for discussion.

 

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, I shouldn’t push, I’m sorry.” Raven said, tightening her hold around the Commander’s back so she couldn’t pull away. “I won’t push, but I need you to know that you can talk to me about this, I’ll be here when you are ready and Clarke will be open to listen as well, okay?”

 

Lexa seemed to relax at hearing Raven say she wouldn’t keep pressing the subject.

 

“Okay.” Lexa said, trying very hard to relax her sore muscles. The warm water was dripping gently down her scarred back and Raven’s scent was thick in her nose, she was sure she could fall asleep again even if she had slept all night.

 

Lexa decided to focus on the steady stream of water falling down her back, she decided to focus on Raven’s hands as they travelled gently up and down her back, she sighed and after some time she felt Raven’s hands move to her side. The omega’s fingers slowly traced the alpha’s skin, up and down, while with her other hand she focused on massaging the base of her neck until Lexa was completely loose and relaxed in her arms.

 

Only then did Raven dare to move her hands somewhere else, one of them gently traced the side of the Commander’s breast, while the other moved down her back to cup her firm behind.

 

“Raven, what-”

 

“I just want to touch you.” Raven whispered in Lexa’s ear, pumping her pheromones, filling the bathroom with her scent, making sure there was nothing but her inside Lexa’s lungs. She felt Lexa’s skin flood with goosebumps. “I want to help you relax, so… will you let me?”

 

“I promised I wouldn’t ask anything from you.” Lexa said, pulling back slightly to look at Raven. “You don’t need to do this; I don’t need this.”

 

“I want to do this and you need to think about something else, so, let me, please?” Raven said, smiling a little when she saw the Commander give her the most imperceptible of nods. Raven looked into green eyes until she was close enough to kiss the Commander’s lips, the omega kissed her shyly, like she had never kissed her before, letting her lips linger before moving to suck gently on the Commander’s bottom lip.

 

Her wandering hands moved slowly, first tracing the Commander’s well defined abs and then lower and lower, her fingers faintly traced the Commander’s clit before retreating, fingers brushing the small bud gently but constantly over and over again until the Commander’s mouth parted open to let out a quiet gasp. Raven took the chance to deepen their kiss, giving Lexa’s tongue a soft swipe before moving back and then again. Slowly she built up the intensity, her fingers pressing harder and harder against the Commander’s clit with every brush, her lips sucking harder at the skin of her neck and collarbones.

 

Raven moved her fingers a little lower dipping just the tip of her index into Lexa’s opening, it was engulfed by thick wetness and warmth and Raven buried her finger just a little deeper.

 

“Raven…” Lexa whispered, her voice coming out in low rasp as she felt her knees get weak. Her center was aching, pulsing with the need to let go, her core was clenched tight, fire burning in the very pit.

 

The omega pressed her gently against the wall, the water coming out of the shower head only barely managing to hit them. Raven grabbed one of Lexa’s arms and prompted the alpha to hold onto her shoulders.

 

“It’s okay, I got you.” Raven whispered, pressing hard circles over the Commander’s center and moving lower, pressing two fingers inside instead of one, a low groan pushed past the Commander’s lips and Raven squeezed her tights, the moment was about Lexa, not her.

 

Lexa was breathing hard, her head had fallen back and against the wall, her body afire with the feeling of Raven’s fingers, with the feeling of her lips against her neck. With every touch every single thought in Lexa’s head just faded away.

 

Raven started thrusting her fingers a little faster, a little harder, angling them just so she could hit that spot she knew would drive Lexa over the edge. Constant low moans were falling out of Lexa’s mouth, more often each time Raven drove her fingers inside. The omega watched her, Lexa’s mouth was parted open, her eyes tightly shut and her brows furrowed in pleasure. Raven felt her walls pulse around her fingers, felt her drip all over her palm and only then did she decide to lower her mouth and wrap her lips around the hardened peak on the Commander’s breast. The Mechanic gave it a sharp suck, burying her fingers inside of Lexa as hard as she could, a second later she felt the alpha’s body stiffen.

 

Lexa came quietly as always, breathing out hard as her body shuddered against Raven’s. The Mechanic helped her partner ride the aftershocks of her orgasm, placing soft kisses all over the Commander’s neck and then moving up her jaw and cheeks.

 

After a few minutes the omega pulled the alpha back under the water and started washing her body and then her hair, eventually Lexa started helping her until they were successfully washing each other.

 

They dried each other with soft towels, the Commander’s legs still feeling a little weak. They didn’t bother with clothes when they fell back into bed.

 

“What about you?” Lexa asked quietly, she wouldn’t dream of falling asleep while her mate was unsatisfied.

 

“Today was about you.” Raven said, pressing herself closer to Lexa’s body, feeling the alpha’s strong arms curl around her. “I just want to take a nap.”

 

“But the ultrasound?”

 

“It can wait half an hour.” Raven whispered, tucking her head under Lexa’s chin. “I am really sorry about how I reacted when I realized I have feelings for you, I know it hurt you deeply and that it made you think that you were the problem and it isn’t that… I am sorry.”

 

“I understand; you don’t have to apologize.” Lexa whispered, her voice raspy with sleep, she was so exhausted.

 

“You left and you had those thoughts circling in your head for three weeks and I know it couldn’t have felt okay, so please just accept my apology.” Raven said, her voice just a little muffled against Lexa’s collarbone. Lexa tightened her hold around Raven, feeling her curved belly press against hers.

 

“I accept it and I forgive you, even if there is not really anything to forgive.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa said and Raven felt a kiss been pressed to the top of her head. “Sleep.”

 

“Sure, Heda.”

 

……………..

 

Half an hour later and looking much more fresh and rested than before, Raven and Lexa walked towards the medical wing, finding Abby working on some Skaikru guard that had been injured during patrol. Abby told them to give her five minutes and so Raven went to lay down on one of the beds while Lexa sat on a chair besides her. Lexa had one hand interlocked with Raven’s and the other pressed over her uncovered belly, soon Raven’s clothes wouldn’t fit.

 

“Are you going to find me attractive when I’m big and fat, when I am unable to look at my own toes?” Raven asked, poking her belly with one of her fingers. Lexa made her stop by interlocking that hand with the one she had been using the caress her child’s home.

 

“You are not going to be fat, you are going to be swelling with my child, glowing with life, there’s nothing more attractive than that.” Lexa assured, looking at Raven with bright green eyes framed by dark bags. The omega untangled their hands and cupped Lexa’s cheek, brushing her thumb under the alpha’s eye.

 

“You really need to take better care of yourself, you lost weight, your cheeks are a little hollow. You need sleep, too.”

 

“Do not worry, I feel just fine.” Lexa said and the way she was brushing off the subject was only serving to anger Raven. The omega was about to give Lexa a piece of her mind when Abby came towards them rolling the ultrasound machine in front of her.

 

“Commander, it is nice to see you well after your travels.”

 

“Likewise Abby, Raven informed me that you played a big part in her care, I am grateful for your help.”

 

“No thanks needed, Raven knows I care about her wellbeing.” Abby said, opening the front of Raven’s pants and tugging them down a little before spreading the cold gel all over Raven’s belly and moving the transducer around, immediately images started showing up on the screen and with a few clicks the baby’s heartbeat filled the room.

 

“Just as strong and steady as last time.” Abby said with a small smile, moving the transducer around and keeping it steady where they could clearly see the baby.

 

Lexa felt her heart beat fast in her chest, she tightened her hold on Raven’s hand and kissed the back of it.

 

“Are they okay?” Lexa asked, moving her eyes away from the screen just to take a look at Abby’s expression.

 

“Perfectly okay, everything is looking well and I have no concerns, just a question.” Abby said, freezing the image on the screen to turn to look at Lexa and Raven. “Do you want to know the sex?”

 

“What?” Raven said.

 

“I thought they needed to grow one more month before you could see the sex.” Lexa said, Raven had told her five months not four.

 

“We can usually tell between week 16 and week 20, sometimes we can tell earlier, sometimes we can’t tell until later on because of the baby’s position, but this little pup it’s making it quite easy for me to tell. It is your decision though; do you want to know?” Abby asked and Lexa moved her yes from the doctor to Raven.

 

“Whatever you desire is okay by me, Raven. You know we never know until the birth. I will respect your wishes.” Lexa said, not wanting to pressure Raven,

 

“I want to know.” Raven said at once and Abby nodded unfreezing the image on the screen, the baby’s head, little arms and legs were clearly visible and so Abby pointed at the screen and told them to pay attention to the genital region.

 

“Okay, just keep your eyes here, if you don’t see anything it is a girl, if you see something it is a boy and if you can’t tell I will help out.” Abby said, moving the transducer around.

 

“I don’t see anything.” Raven said, squinting at the screen when Abby moved the transducer again, slower.

 

“Is that…” Lexa trailed off, her eyes wide as she turned to look at Abby and then back to the screen.

 

“A dick?!” Raven blurted out, her eyes snapping from the screen to Abby, the woman had an amused smile on her lips.

 

“Well, that isn’t what I would call it, but yes, it is-”

 

“A tiny little dick.” Raven said, eyes wide and face pale. “Oh my god, we are having a boy, we are both girls what the hell are going to do with him?”

 

“That doesn’t matter, it doesn’t make a difference, we are going to be just fine.” Lexa said, her eyes glassy as she leaned down to kiss Raven’s forehead. “We are going to have a son, Raven.” Lexa whispered, burying her face in Raven’s neck and hugging her tight. “Thank you.” After a few seconds Raven hugged her back, closing her eyes as the information downed on her.

 

Abby finished measuring the baby, making sure everything was okay and then checking again just to be sure, all the while glancing at the way the Commander’s lips were slightly tilted upwards. The Commander looked particularly worn and exhausted, her travels had obviously been hard on her, but in Abby’s eyes she still looked absolutely happy.

 

“Have you thought of a name?” Abby asked once she finished checking Raven.

 

“Sirius.” Lexa said, “we had decided on one name for a boy and one for a girl.”

 

“The brightest star, sounds about right.” Abby said. “Everything is looking good and perfectly normal with him and with Raven, things are going to be a little easier now without the morning sickness, but as the baby gets bigger you will get more fatigued so don’t forget to sleep well, eat well and take your vitamins.”

 

“I will see to her needs and I will make sure she takes care of herself.” Lexa said, holding the baby’s ultrasound pictures in one hand while keeping her free arm wrapped around Raven.

 

“I don’t doubt it.” Abby said, watching as the Commander and Raven moved a little closer to each other to see the pictures together. “I will see you next month, okay?” the married couple nodded and left the medical wing.

 

………

 

Lexa and Raven walked together towards Raven’s work place and the omega could see that even if the alpha’s face was pretty much blank, on the inside she was vibrating with happiness.

 

“Happy, Heda?” Raven asked, a smile playing on her lips. Lexa turned to look at her, eyes glowing even if the rest of her face showed no expression.

 

“I don’t know any words that could express what I am feeling, but it is wonderful.” Lexa said, brushing the back of her hand against Raven’s as they walked side by side.

 

“What are you thinking?” Raven asked, staring at the Commander’s thoughtful expression.

 

“I’m considering what horse would be the most appropriate for our boy. At the beginning he will need an animal with mellow temperament, a calm one that won’t try to throw him off at a loud sound or at a sudden movement, those characteristics are easily found in older horses but I would prefer a young one for him, so they can grow up together and form a bond, so the animal can develop a sense of loyalty to him. I shall send a rider to the Plain Riders, we have excellent horses here in Trikru but they have the absolute best.” Lexa said, her tone and her face were very serious but Raven was still having a hard time believing what she was saying. “They will send us a couple for us to choose from.”

 

“You do know your child is barely six inches in size, right?” Raven asked and Lexa turned to look at her with an expression that screamed ´what’s your point? ´

 

“I do, but he will be born soon, it is a long way from the Plains to here and they won’t be able to make the trip until winter is over and by then there will be only a couple of months left until birth. And they need to take some time deciding which horses to send us. It would be a dishonor to send the Commander anything but the best and I am sure they will be honored from having me asking specifically for their horses, it will strengthen our relationship with them. Besides, they had to bring us a gift anyway during the celebration of our child’s birth, now they won’t have to wonder what to bring us.”

 

“There will be a celebration?” Raven asked, no one had ever mentioned that. Lexa turned to look at her and placed a hand on her belly, her thumb gently moving back and forth.

 

“Our son means union, peace, prosperity, life, the clans know that and so we will celebrate.” Lexa said, tilting her head down in a court nod.

 

“Did the Bluecliff Clan celebrate too after their Union?”

 

“I imagine they did, by the time I formed the Coalition they already had been in Union for a couple of years. They must have celebrated in some way.” Lexa said and a smirk started stretching Raven’s lips.

 

“Commander, is it just me or are you just eager to throw your son a party?” Raven said, her voice playful, she was obviously teasing so she was surprised when she saw the Commander look around and make sure they were alone before moving closer to Raven.

 

“That might be so.” Lexa whispered in Raven’s ear, pressing a soft kiss on her cheek before moving away. Raven could only laugh as they continued walking.

When they got to Raven’s workplace Lexa stayed with her for a couple of minutes, making sure the omega was settled and comfortable before leaving to take care of her duties. Only then did Raven radio Clarke, telling her they had just left the medical bay.

 

………….

 

“Hey, mom.”  Clarke said as she made her way inside, her mother looked up and smiled at her.

 

“Hey, honey.” Abby said, moving her eyes back to the chart in her hands. “Can you give me a hand? we are making an inventory of the supplies we will be sending Arkadia, it is nothing much, we decided to leave it as an Infirmary while the difficult and most serious cases are brought here. When spring comes we should be ready to be an operational hospital, riders have already been sent, we will be taking 5 healers of each clan to work here, as interns of sorts. They will work on patients and I will teach them our ways and then they will go back to their clans and teach their apprentices and so on and 5 more will come here. The Commander said that those I considered the best could stay and work with us, that I could take one or 2 Seconds if I wanted to.”

 

“Sounds like you will be busy.” Clarke said, her voice calm even if her hands were sweating.

 

“I will, I was wondering if maybe you could stay and help me out, I had to leave Jackson back at Arkadia and I have been training 5 members of our people already to work as nurses and be capable to treat the least serious injuries, but I could use someone with a little more medical knowledge.” Abby said, giving Clarke a small smile.

 

“I don’t think that’d be possible mom, as soon as winter ends I will go back to Polis with the Commander to fulfill my duty as Ambassador.”

 

“I wanted to speak to you about that, I don’t think there is any reason for you to keep that job, someone could replace you and you could come work with me, that was what you always wanted you were always here with me.” Abby said, a pleading look in her eyes, the last thing she wanted was for Clarke to leave again.

 

“Mom, there is something else I need to tell you about, in private.”

 

“Okay, let’s go to my office.” Abby said with a small frown. They entered her office and Abby sat on her chair, Clarke remained standing. “What is it?”

 

“There is something that I’ve been hiding from you, from everyone and it is something that I need to tell you now. I wanted to tell you before anything happened so you had time to process. But before I tell you anything I want you to know that this is not a question, this is a decision I already made, a decision you won’t sway me away from making. This is just me letting you know, okay?” Clarke said watching her mother’s face contort in worry.

 

“Okay.” Abby said, and a second later Clarke opened her mouth.

 

“I am marrying Commander Lexa.”

 

“You are what?!” Abby said, she wasn’t shouting or screaming, but the low and sharp voice in which she talked made Clarke wince.

 

“Just let me explain. Lexa and I had something before the Mountain, she was trying to help me into the role of leadership I had fallen into, she understood what I was going through and she was constantly giving me advice trying to make things easier for me. We have experienced similar things, similar loses, we have been broken in the same ways, her many more times than I could ever imagine. I feel understood by her, completed with her, safe with her. I know that I could live without her, but that would just be a life surviving and I don’t want that, I want to live with her because I love her and because we fit so well together. I love everything that she is and everything that she gives me, and I know that she isn’t perfect but she tries her best and I feel so full, so whole when I am with her. So I am going to do it, I am going to marry her.” Clarke said, breathing hard and with her cheeks red. Even after everything she had said her mother’s expression hadn’t changed, it had just hardened and Clarke knew things wouldn’t go well.

 

“Clarke,” Abby said, her voice as low and dangerous as before. “She is married to someone else, she is having a child with someone else and if you have been sleeping with her all this time you are not the daughter I raised.”

 

“Raven knows about us, she approves of our marriage and grounders have no rules in terms of how many people one person can marry, everyone is just allowed to be with who they want to be.” Clarke said.

 

“Unions between alphas are a crime and you know it.”

 

“Not under Trikru law, we both know Lexa is the daughter of two alphas.”

 

“And how did that go for her?!” Abby snapped. “She ended up abandoned in the woods in the middle of nowhere and she would have frozen to death if someone hadn’t found her.”

 

“So what? are you saying that we would do the same? that we would simply abandon our children? that law was put in place back in space and we aren’t there anymore, that law doesn’t apply here because alpha’s down here are not possessive and violent assholes like they were back in the ark. You know that I ended up not being a total dick because dad could have never allowed that conduct from me.”

 

“I am saying what you are doing is wrong, you are getting in the middle of a marriage, of a family!” Abby said and her voice started getting louder.

 

“I wouldn’t have to if you hadn’t forced the woman I love to marry Raven!” Clarke shouted, her face completely red. Abby froze. “Do you think that I don’t know? Do you think that I didn’t hear how you rejected being a part of the Coalition, that you demanded something permanent and unbreakable? Do you think Lexa and Raven loved each other when they got married? That they enjoyed what they had to do at the cabin? Lexa is still not over the mate she lost, and she hadn’t slept with anyone else until Raven, who she was forced to sleep with because the Union **you** demanded. Did you know that I was the person she first kissed ever since she lost her mate? And it’s been years, mom, years. All that time she kept to herself, all that time she kept in her mind and in her body the memory of her mate, all of it was erased, wiped away, thrown to the side for one of your petty demands. When we would have been just fine as the thirteenth clan.”

 

“If she didn’t want the Union she could have denied it and she didn’t, it was her choice.” Abby said in that patronizing tone she used when she felt like she was right and everything else was wrong.

 

“Don’t you know her at least a little by now? She couldn’t have said no! She couldn’t deny her people peace! And Raven might act like she’s above everything but if she had refused and something bad had happened between our people and theirs she would have blamed herself. They were forced into it by you and you cannot deny it.” Clarke said, her tone furious, her chest was heaving with pent up emotion and she was way past controlling herself.

 

“It doesn’t matter anymore, Clarke. Raven has feelings for the Commander and the Commander has feeling for her, things are going fine for her, they are happy about their baby. The fact that they were forced to marry and that they didn’t care about each other in the beginning gives you no right to put yourself between them now!” Abby said, standing up and pointing an accusing finger at her.

 

“ **I am not coming between them!** ” Clarke shouted, hitting the table with her hand so hard that it made Abby move back a step. “Raven, Lexa and I talked to each other, we had a conversation, we have been talking about it for months now, Raven told Lexa from the very beginning that she could be with me. And now we have agreed to be together, Lexa and Raven, and Lexa and I. We are willing to do this because Lexa loves us both and we both love her, even if Raven’s feelings are just beginning to grow.”

 

“And what will you do when the Commander falls in love with someone else? Will you just be open to her having one more wife, maybe two. Having sex with whoever she wants and then marrying someone else and you being forced to sleep with them too for the rest of your life?” Abby said and everything about what she said and about how she said it made Clarke’s blood burn.

 

“You speak about her like that one more time and I swear to you and every single fucking god that exists that I will never speak to you again. What Lexa feels about me is real, what she feels about Raven is real, we know that and you are not going to make me think otherwise because of your fucked up prejudice. Lexa’s feelings are true, she has barely said the words to me once, but I feel them every single time she looks at me and you are not going to walk all over that.” Clarke said, walking towards the door and then stopping with her hand on the knob.

 

“You know what, mom? Lexa thinks you are important, she tried to break things up with me when she found out that our relationship might be ruined if I decided to be with her. She said that she would let me go, all because to her me having my mother is important. You have had the chance to know her, to see how she is with Raven, to hear things about her life and her past and still as soon as you hear that I am going to marry her, that I am going to do something that has never been seen by our people, you ignore all of that and treat her like she is some animal.” Clarke closed her eyes, the anger turning quickly into sadness. She turned to look at her mother straight in the eye. “I am disappointed and ashamed of you, ashamed of how close minded and judgmental you can be. And you might be my mother, but I need a mother that supports me, that cares about the people I love, that is willing to give them a chance. A mother that is happy for me because I get to marry the person I love.”

 

“I won’t support and I won’t accept what it is so obviously a mistake. This marriage is a mistake Clarke, and you know it.” Abby said, her voice losing some of the severity it had carried before. Clarke’s words had hit her and they had hurt.

 

“It is the exact opposite and even if it was a mistake then it is simply my mistake, and it might be the best damn mistake of my life. And if I hear you disrespecting Lexa, or insinuating things about her that aren’t true I will stay in Polis and not come back. Let’s see if you care about that.” Clarke said, leaving her mother’s office after shutting the door closed with a loud bang.

 

………………

 

“You do know Lexa has been low key looking for you for the past two hours, right?” Raven said as she made it inside the room full of paintings inside of the Mountain. When she heard that Clarke had disappeared she knew where she was, in one of the few rooms Lexa didn’t know about.

 

The Commander had come to her asking if she knew where Clarke could be, and Raven did, she just knew the blonde needed some privacy, if she didn’t she wouldn’t be hiding.

 

Clarke was sitting in front of a painting with her knees pulled up to her chest, her chin resting on them as her hands curled around her legs. Raven knew the painting must have been famous just because she had the impression of having seen it before.

 

“I figured, I am just not ready to talk to her.” Clarke said without looking away from the painting. Raven walked closer and sat down next to the blonde.

 

“I guess things with Mama G didn’t go well.”

 

“She said Lexa only wants to fuck everything that walks and that she will just keep falling in love with every person that steps within eye sight.”

 

“Damn.” Raven said, grimacing. Anger bloomed in her chest accompanied by a wave of protectiveness. “Did she really say that?”

 

“Not with those words, but basically…” Clarke said, wiping her hand over her cheeks. “She didn’t care about my happiness Raven, she basically called me a homewrecker and told me that a marriage between alphas is against our laws… Why can’t she just be happy I am marrying the person I love? None of this would even be happening if she hadn’t forced you to marry each other.”

 

“Yeah, that’s true, but you wouldn’t have come back if you hadn’t heard about the Union either.” Raven said, knocking her shoulder against Clarke’s and making the blonde turn to look at her. “Maybe you’d still be brooding in the woods, going hungry for days, sleeping with some omega you met at a trading spot. Maybe you’d still be who knows where, trying to forget about Lexa. I mean, I know everyone thinks you came for the Union, to make sure the grounders wouldn’t stab us in the back again, but we both know you came back because you heard your girl was getting married to someone else.” Raven said, giving the blonde a small smile. “Your mother might have started this mess, but she also is the person who brought you back, and following that train of thought she is the reason why you got the chance to be with Lexa again.”

 

“We both know she didn’t do it with that intention.”

 

“I know, but it happened that way, and things might be complicated now but you still have your sexy Commander and that comes with a sexy Mechanic, you paid for one and got 2, what else could you need?” Raven said with a teasing smile on her lips and that finally pulled a shaky smile out of the blonde.

 

“Thanks, Rae.” Clarke whispered and Raven shrugged her shoulders halfheartedly with a smile.

 

They staid quiet for some time, staring at the painting.

 

“I guess it is pretty, a weird kind, though.” Raven said with her head tilted to the side.

 

“It’s fine if you think it sucks, that’s how it is with art everyone likes what they like. With Van Gogh for example, this is one of his most popular works, everyone has seen it or heard of it, but not everyone knows that he painted it from his tiny window while he was locked up in an asylum. He was mentally ill and during a crisis he cut part of one of his ears. I look at it and I imagine a madden man enjoying a moment of clarity, looking outside through the bars of his cell when everything that was trapping him was in his head all along.” Clarke said, her gaze was on the painting but she could feel Raven’s eyes on the side of her face.

 

“How do you know he didn’t paint it while he was having one of his crisis?” Raven asked.

 

“In everything I have read about him it says that while he was having a crisis he couldn’t draw or paint, he would have some kind of seizures, he would fall into stupor or unconscious, he would have nightmares and hallucinations. I don’t know if it is true, but the people that have studied him believe that he couldn’t produce art while in crisis.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

 

The Mechanic leaned back on her hands and starred at it, she thought she understood why the blonde was drawn to the painting.

 

“Could you see the stars from your cell up in the ark?”

 

“Yeah, there was a tiny window in the ceiling, I got to see the stars but not the earth. So I would draw what I believed the ground to look like in every surface I could, just to be able to look at something else.” Clarke said.

 

“Did it meet your expectations?”

 

“Exceeded them and crushed them, I couldn’t have imagined someone like Lexa.” Clarke said, turning to look at Raven with a small smile, the Mechanic smiled back.

 

“That ass and those abs are definitely not something you can just come up with.” Raven said with a smirk firmly in her face. Clarke couldn’t help but laugh.

 

“That’s not what I meant, but it is true.” The blonde relented, calming down from her laughter a little, her eyes softened and her chest felt less tight. “Her eyes though, the way she looks at you when she’s about to kiss you…”

 

“The little smiles, the way you just know she’s bursting with joy on the inside.” Raven said.

 

“Her hands, her touch, how you just feel how much she cherishes you and respects you. How proper she is about where she puts them.” Clarke continued and Raven buffed loudly, making the blonde turn to look at her with surprised eyes.

 

“Speak for yourself Griff, that drives me insane sometimes. Most of the time I just want her to put her hands in very improper places. In my head I’m just like ´grab my ass Lexa, come on! Grab it! ´”

 

“Oh god, Raven.” Clarke said, trying to hide a smile behind her hand.

 

“I’m sure you know the feeling, or maybe she gets more possessive with you because you are an alpha too. Maybe that just makes her want to prove a point so she goes all in with you without thinking it twice, because she has to prove her place as alpha of all alphas.” Raven said, wiggling her eyebrows at the blonde, who blushed just slightly.

 

“I’m not talking about that.”

 

“You don’t need to, I’m sure we will end up in bed together eventually.”

 

“If you don’t get jealous, again.” Clarke pointed out and Raven smacked her knee.

 

“I’m working on it.”

 

“I know, I appreciate it. I’m just thankful you are open to this.” Clarke said and Raven just bumped her shoulder against hers.

 

“I’m sure we will be fine, Griff.” Raven said and after a few seconds she looked back at the painting. “You said Van Gogh wasn’t really trapped by the cell, that he was really trapped by his mind, hiss illness. If I may ask, what was trapping you when you were locked up?”

 

“Grief.” Clarke said at one. “The sight of my father being floated is something I saw every night, I looked at the stars and I was always afraid I would see him. Hate, at the time I thought Wells was the one to blame for his death and I hated him for it. Helplessness, knowing that we all would die and being unable to do anything about it, knowing that my father would be executed and being unable to save him. Fear, of seeing him in my dreams, of losing my mind… I was in solitary so sometimes I would sing or talk to myself just to hear something. It frightened me in ways I can’t explain, the things being alone can do to you.”

 

“And still after the Mountain you decided to go, to be alone.” Raven said and Clarke shook her head.

 

“It is different, when I left I knew that I had you at my back, that I could just walk back and my mom would be there, you, O, Monty, Bell, I knew I just had to turn back and you guys would welcome me. In solitary I didn’t have that choice, I would be in that cell until my birthday and then they would float me just like they had floated my father.” Clarke closed her eyes for a second and leaned her forehead on her knees. “Up there everything was quiet, after sometime the humming of the ark was just unnoticeable to me, I felt like I couldn’t hear anything, like I was deaf, so I screamed and sang and talked to myself to make sure I wasn’t. Down here it is different, there is never silence here. Everything is noisy, the wind, the water, the animals, the branches and twigs when you step on them. And I might have been away from you then, but I would see people walking around, I would stay with Nylah, we would speak and other things. I might have felt alone but it never was as maddening as the cell up there. Now I have Ash too, she follows me anywhere.” Clarke said, and Raven nodded in understanding.

 

“Where is she now?”

 

“I was afraid she would damage something here so I left her with Monty. What about Bouda and Vulcan?”

 

“Bouda is back to shadowing Lexa, and I left Vulcan with O, who is also shadowing Lexa, that little monster would have wrecked this place.”

 

A bout of silence passed as Clarke stared at the painting, it remained her of her cell, of being trapped, of being alone, of not being able to go back to the people she loved and the only person in her mind at that time had been her mother.

 

“I don’t know if I can go back to her after this, Rae… We have been trying after what happened to dad, I have come to make peace with what she did, but this, to try to invalidate what I have with Lexa, to try to make me feel like it is wrong, that it is a mistake… I don’t know if I can come back to her after this.” Clarke said and a moment later she felt Raven’s soft touch on her shoulder.

 

“It’s okay if you can’t and it’s okay if you forgive her in the future. Your mom has never been too open to things, change for her is difficult and you are her little girl, I would bet on my life that part of the reason why she is so against it is because in a way she is losing you, you are moving into another part of your life, building a family of your own and that can’t be easy for her.” Raven said, squeezing Clarke’s shoulder. “I know that Abby loves you and that she can’t be far from you for long, it might take some time but at the end I am sure she will suck it up, apologize and come back. You are everything she has so she will make the right choice, it will take her some time but she will get there.”

 

“You are sure?” Clarke said, her eyes glassy and her chin trembling.

 

“Yes, I am sure.” Raven said, reaching out to catch one of Clarke’s tears with her thumb. “Look, I know I can’t offer you a mother, but what if I give you a baby instead.” Raven said as she pulled put the ultrasound picture from the inner pocket of her jacket and offered it to Clarke. The blonde chuckled and took the picture, looking back at Raven with a big smile and wide blue eyes.

 

“A boy?!”

 

“Yes, Sirius kom Trikru. He is Lexa’s son so I am sure you’ll fall in love with him.” Raven said.

 

“I am going to love him because his yours too, Raven.” Clarke said, bumping her shoulder against the Mechanic, who would have probably blushed if she was able too.

 

“He’s going to grow up just fine. You’ll teach him how to draw, art stuff and medicine, I’ll teach him all about science, technology and how to blow shit up, and Lexa will teach him how to kill people.” Raven said and Clarke snorted.

 

“I’m sure that’s the first lesson she’s going to give him.”

 

“In all seriousness though, she sent someone to the Plains to ask for horses.” Raven said and Clarke arched her eyebrows.

 

“So soon?” Clarke asked and Raven nodded with a smile that Clarke later reciprocated. “She is really happy about the baby.”

 

“She’s scared to death, too.” Raven said, placing a hand gently on her belly. “With what happened to Costia, to their child, she just doesn’t have a moment of peace, she’s worried she will lose this baby as well.”

 

“And you.” Clarke pointed out.

 

“And you.” Raven said back. “Seems like a lot of worry and concern for one person.”

 

Clarke’s face went absolutely blank and she moved her arms behind her back while straightening her spine.

 

“Love is weakness, to be Commander is to be alone.” The blonde said, her voice low and her face completely serious. Raven couldn’t stop herself from bursting out laughing.

 

“Oh my god, Clarke, that bastard is probably going to die when he finds out Lexa is going to marry you, if there’s someone he hates more than me it’s you! This is great!”

 

“Well, I do hope so, maybe he will die from a heart attack. I think a lot about Robin, he is a good kid and Titus is probably poisoning him just now.” Clarke said and Raven nodded while wiping away the tears of laughter from her cheeks.

 

“There’s nothing to do about that, only the Flamekeeper can teach him what he needs to know, but Robin must have a good head on his shoulders, if he didn’t Lexa wouldn’t have chosen him, I’m sure he won’t become Titus 2.0”

 

“I hope so.” Clarke said, laying down on the floor and sighing.

 

“Hey, Clarke.”

 

“Hmmm.”

 

“Remember that meeting with the Trirku chiefs about the Nomad issue?”

 

“Yeah, what about it?” the blonde asked and Raven just looked casually at her nails.

 

“It started 2 hours ago.”

 

“Crap!” the blond cursed, standing up at once and running out of the room.

 

………………

 

Lexa had just dismissed the chiefs when Octavia, who now spent most of her time following her around like a Second would, approached her.

 

“Heda, if I may?”

 

“Speak.”

 

“I know the Chiefs of each village are some of the best people in our clan but sometimes I can’t help but feel like they are- “

 

“Incompetent, close minded, impulsive, set on their ways, stubborn.” Lexa provided, rubbing her forehead with two fingers. Octavia smirked at the displeased expression on her face.

 

“I was going to say idiots, but all of those work too.”

 

“Yes Octavia, they sometimes act like idiots, but it all comes from a place of exasperation and frustration, the Nomads are permanent issue that can’t be eradicated, we can just manage it as it presents itself, which is usually during the winter.” Lexa said, pulling her sash up as soon as she noticed that Vulcan had been biting on it.

 

“Wouldn’t it be eradicated if we stopped exiling people as punishment? Every person that is ever exiled ends up being part of the Nomads.” Octavia provided and Lexa shook her head.

 

“No, it could probably diminish their numbers, but it wouldn’t make a considerable difference. They aren’t only formed by those who have been exiled, but also by those who haven’t been able to attain to the laws of each clan. Some people refuse to have limits, refuse to follow orders so they leave their clan of their own free will and start roaming around to sustain themselves and eventually end up with the Nomads. With time they have had children and their children have had children, they have built settlements in the dead zone, but during the winter it gets difficult because of the lack of resources and the weather, so they attack our villages to steal from us.”

 

“What if we attacked their settlements?” Octavia suggested them.

 

“That wouldn’t be possible during the winter because they are moving around the villages, planning which to attack next. The settlements are probably filled with the old, the children and their caretakers, not with the people that are attacking us. And the settlements are not stationary, they move them around Clan borders, they know we will attack them on sight, so they just use the empty land between the Dead Zone and our borders, and between different clans, it is not much and they won’t be able to sustain themselves for long if their population keeps growing.” Lexa said and Octavia saw the reason of her frustration clear as a day just then.

 

“They will want land.”

 

“Yes, and they will want it soon.”

 

……………….

 

Shortly after their conversation Lexa dismissed Octavia, telling her to be ready for training early the next day, then she called Indra inside, the woman was waiting for her at the door after being summoned by the Commander.

 

“How can I be of use, Heda?” Indra said after giving the Commander a short bow. Lexa took something from her coat pocket and offered it to her. Indra took the unfamiliar object, she didn’t know what it was. “Forgive me Heda, but I do not understand what I am seeing.”

 

“This shape here.” The Commander said, pointing at something on the ultrasound picture. “What does it look like to you?” Lexa said and only then Indra was able to give the shape some meaning.

 

“It is similar to a child, Heda.” Indra said, hesitant.

 

“Yes Indra, my child, a boy that is to be named Sirius kom Trikru.” The Commander said and Indra’s eyes widened slightly, looking down at the picture under a new light.

 

“Heda, I congratulate you.” Indra said, receiving a court nod from Lexa.

 

“By showing you this I intend to make you see how much I trust you. You knew me before I became Commander and you know me now, you have been by my side always and you have always being a fine General. Anya is dead, so is Gustus and as soon as I am able I will bury my sword in Titus chest, it hasn’t been made public yet but he suggested that Raven and the child should be killed.” Lexa said and as expected Indra’s face contorted in fury, in seconds her hand was on the handle of her sword.

 

“How dare he threaten the sacred Union! How dare he threaten the life of an unborn child!”

 

“He will pay for it, as soon as he finishes training his apprentice he will be face death by a thousand cuts. And because of that I will be left with no one to fully trust back in Polis, which is why you must become my right hand, you must hand over the title as Chief of TonDC to someone else so you can go back to Polis with me. Danger is looming over us and I need someone I can trust to protect Polis, to protect the Nightbloods, to protect me and I know you are capable of making sure the security in Polis is as good as it can be. Do you accept?” Lexa said, holding back the urge to smile when she saw the way Indra straightened her back even further, tilting her chin up and squaring her shoulders.

 

“It would be my honor, Heda.”

 

“Good, then you have the next two months to make sure everything in TonDC is settled, after that we go to Polis.”

 

“Of course, I will make my departure early tomorrow. I will not disappoint, Heda.” Indra said right before leaving.

 

………………

 

Late at night Lexa made her way towards the bedroom she shared with Raven, with Bouda by her side and Vulcan running ahead of them. She needed to take them both outside and so she did.

 

She made it outside the Mountain with her guards close behind, sitting on a fallen tree trunk as she watched Vulcan run around in the snow, the small pup was almost swallowed by it, but he still managed to run around happily.

 

Bouda stayed pressed close to Lexa’s side and the Commander took the chance to just pet his head and rub her hand down her back several times, his thick fur was soft under her hands and the wolf would lick her hand every time he had it close enough.

 

At some point it started snowing, but Lexa didn’t move, she felt petrified, frozen by the sudden realization than one day soon, probably a sunny day with a clear blue sky, she would become a mother.

 

With each day that passed, with every ultrasound and with every inch in which Raven’s belly grew her son also grew, getting stronger and bigger, getting ready to be born. And Lexa was stricken by how clueless she was about the care of a child. She knew how to care for her people, she had been trained to do just that for as long as she could remember, but she hadn’t been trained to care for a child.

 

Most Nightbloods that went to Polis were toddlers, and those who got there as babies would mostly be taken care of by the handmaidens. Of course Lexa would visit them often, hold them, but she wouldn’t take care of their basic needs. No, Heda’s duty was war, nothing else.

 

Lexa thought of her mother, she would surely know how to care for a baby, after all she cared for Lexa herself and she had done so perfectly. She had taught Lexa how to make bread, how to climb trees, how to properly plant flowers so they could bloom beautifully during the spring. She also taught Lexa other things like swimming on the lake right in front of their house, making braids and how to fix bird’s wings.

 

Her mother would know how to care for a child. Her mother would be able to teach her how to care for her son, how to properly hold him, feed him, bathe him. Because of piece of Tech Lexa would have to learn on her own. Well, not on her own, she would learn with Raven and Clarke.

 

That didn’t stop her from aching for her mother’s presence.

 

Out of the corner of her eye Lexa saw one of her guards shift his weight from one foot to the other several times. She turned to look at them more directly and they stopped at once, but she still saw their bodies quiver slightly, their jaws tremble. They were cold.

 

Lexa took stock of herself and noticed her toes and fingers were completely numb, her ears and nose were frozen, she had lost track of time. The Commander gave Bouda one last pat on the head and stood up, whistling lowly so Vulcan would come back from wherever he was. The wolf pup came back carrying a stick in his mouth and Lexa just let him bring it inside with them so he could chew on it later.

 

When she made it into her room she found Raven asleep on one side of the bed, the blankets tangled around her legs, and Clarke sitting on the other side, probably waiting for her.

 

The blonde stood up with a sigh and walked up to Lexa with a worried frown on her face. She brushed off some snow from Lexa’s shoulders and then reached up to cup her reddened cheeks.

 

“I was worried about you; no one could tell me where you went after the meeting. And I am sorry for not going, I thought it would be rude to enter after it had already begun.” Clarke said, unfastening Lexa’s coat and moving her body closer to the Commander’s to warm her up.

 

“I was worried as well; I couldn’t find you after your talk with your mother. I imagine it didn’t go well and I am sorry I pushed you to tell her.” Lexa said, her eyes downcast and Clarke moved in to wrap her arms around Lexa’s shoulders and hug her tight.

 

“You didn’t push me, I needed to tell her and you knew I would marry you no matter what she said.” Clarke said, running her hands gently down Lexa’s braids.

 

“I still do not appreciate being the reason why you are having problems with them.” Lexa whispered, her cold lips brushing Clarke’s neck. The blonde pulled back and kissed her soundly on the lips.

 

“You are not the reason, she is and I don’t want you to think otherwise. Come, sit down.” Clarke said and proceed to unbraid Lexa’s hair as soon as she did so. “I’m choosing this and I don’t have doubts, so either she comes to me with an apology or she can stay away as long as she wants.”

 

“I am sure she will, you are going against every rule in your people’s culture so resistance on her part is not a surprise, but I know a mother that loves their child when I see one and she will eventually fix her mistake, Clarke.” Lexa said, feeling as Clarke tried her best to get all the snow out of her hair to later press a kiss on her temple.

 

“I hope you are right.”

 

“I know I am right; I am Heda.” Lexa said bringing Clarke down onto her lap and kneading her waist with cold fingers.

 

“You do know you can’t use that as your response to everything, right?” Clarke said and Lexa just brought her down for a long and slow kiss.

 

“Yes, I can.” Lexa whispered against her lips before kissing her again.

 

“How did the meeting go?” Clarke asked after a few minutes of heavy kissing, they were both taking off their clothes to sleep.

 

“Can we talk about that tomorrow?” Lexa asked from the bathroom where she had been washing her face.

 

“Sure, just come to bed.” Clarke said, letting Lexa climb in next to Raven before climbing in herself.

 

The Commander curled up around Raven’s back and wrapped a hand around the omega’s belly, the Mechanic was startled awake slightly by the cold touch, but she was still pretty much asleep.

 

“Cold.” She grunted.

 

“Apologies, Raven.” Lexa whispered.

 

“Just stop walking around in the stupid snow!” The mechanic said right before snuggling back into Lexa’s body and falling back asleep. Lexa couldn’t help but smile and pressed a kiss to the Mechanic’s neck.

 

A moment later warm hands wrapped around her own waist, gently rubbing up and down her abs, Lexa hummed in content, feeling an overwhelming sense of joy.

 

Clarke pulled the blanket over the three of them and moved closer to whisper in Lexa’s ear.

 

“Reshop, Heda.”

 

“Goodnight, Clarke.”

 

A little later, when Clarke thought the Commander was asleep, she leaned in and whispered something else.

 

“Ai hod yu in.” She pressed a kiss to the back of the Commander’s neck and closed her eyes.

 

Lexa heard her, but decided to not say anything back, instead she just lay there basking on the feeling. The feeling of having everyone she loved laying around her.

 

Lexa decided then that she would spend every single day trying to save them all if that allowed her to come back home every night to that exact moment. The only thing she wanted was live it, over and over again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I don't know if you have noticed that I answer the comments just before or after I post a new chapter, well today I am tired so I will answer them all tomorrow even though I have read them all already (I have the email notifications on and I wait like a kid to get them every time I update) So please comment away, you know I love to hear what you are thinking.
> 
> Thanks to those who came by on tumblr to say such nice things, it was nice talking to you and I expect to hear from you again. I am going to leave my account here for those who want to come say hi. https://siriusandhalley.tumblr.com/ 
> 
> And, I know that some of you are going to be like "Raven turned into the green eyed monster and then in this chapter it was gone, wtf..." well guys, worry not, I don't plan to suddenly have her making a 180, she will continue to be jealous sometimes in further situations.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	10. And even after

“You look really nice, Clarke.” Raven said from the doorway, staring at Clarke’s back as the blonde looked at herself in the mirror.

 

It had been a week since their talk, they had announced the wedding the day after, the three of them had done it together knowing that the grounders needed to see Raven’s approval. Their new room was ready and the wedding preparations had been done, Abby completely absent from all of them.

 

Clarke looked at Raven through the mirror, her eyes doubtful and worried.

 

“You still can stop this, just say the word and I will call this off.” Clarke said and Raven sighed, walking closer to the blonde and making her turn around so they were face to face.

 

“I don’t know if I should be thankful that you are so ready to give up on your happiness for mine, or mad that you are so ready to hurt Lexa like that.” Raven said, twirling a curl of blonde hair around her finger before letting it fall over Clarke’s shoulder. “You are not calling off anything Clarke, you are getting married today.”

 

“To Lexa.” Clarke said, swallowing hard, her heart beating hard in her chest.

 

“Yes, to Lexa.” Raven said, giving her a smile.

 

“Were you this nervous when you went through this?”

 

“Yes, in a bad way though, I felt like I was walking to my death. I thought that I would be miserable for the rest of my life, so I didn’t enjoy it, but you will. So please, stop worrying about me. You are having a winter wedding, you know she loves winter.” Raven said, staring at Clarke’s tight fitting long coat, it was mostly white, made with the best fur the grounders could provide and it had blue accents around the neck and the sleeves, the Skaikru colors.

 

“You don’t feel miserable now, right?” Clarke asked, wanting to make sure and Raven quickly denied, moving her head from side to side.

 

“No.” Raven said, staying quiet for a second before speaking again. “After our wedding Lexa and I spent one week on our own-”

 

“Raven.” Clarke said, interrupting, but the omega ignored her and kept going.

 

“With everything that’s going on with the Nomads I know that Lexa won’t be able to take a week to spend with you and that sucks, but I figured that I could at least give you both one night.” Raven said, letting out a little sigh and looking at Clarke in the eye. “This is your wedding night, enjoy it, yes?”

 

“Yes, thank you.” Clarke said, moving in to wrap Raven in her arms, the omega returned the embrace before pulling away.

 

“Let’s go now, it is time.”

 

…………………

 

There were differences between Lexa’s union ceremony with Raven and the one with Clarke. The ceremony with Clarke had no deeper purpose, it was just a regular bonding ceremony, two lives coming together officially, not two peoples. And because of that there was no need for an elder from Polis to officiate the ceremony. Indra, as a well-respected general and as the Commander’s right hand, would do it.

The second thing Raven noticed was that it was more of a private and smaller affair. Lexa’s bonding ceremony with Clarke had nothing to do with their people, so there was no need to involve them, they would just let them know after it happened. Raven walked Clarke towards the clearing where the bonding would take place and noticed the very few people that were there. The Omega saw their delinquent friends, Monty, Miller, Octavia and even Bellamy and the rest, she saw the chiefs of the Trikru villages, who Lexa had invited out of courtesy, because they had been currently staying at the Mountain while dealing with the Nomad issue, and she saw Kane. Abby hadn’t made an appearance.

With the darkness that came with winter and with the cold, the clearing had been decorated with torches that made a circle of fire around the guests and around the soon to be married couple. There were lanterns hanging from the nearest trees, their bare branches spread and hung over their heads.

The ground was covered in white, the sky was looking blue but the sun stayed hidden behind the clouds, and with the glow of the fire Raven couldn’t help but think that it looked beautiful.

And Lexa, Lexa looked beautiful, too.

She was dressed formally, but not in her usual Commander regalia. She wore black tight fitting pants, a lacy black undershirt and on top of it a long coat that reached her ankles and that fitted tightly around her waist and chest. On top of it she was wearing a dark green cloak, kept secure around her shoulders by clasps that were joined together by a thin golden chain. The clasps sported beautifully made trees and Raven realized then that Clarke wasn’t marrying the Commander like she had, Clarke was marrying Lexa kom Trikru.

Raven watched Lexa’s expression change as Clarke walked into the clearing, the straight line that she sported on her lips changed to a small smile and her eyes brightened. Raven tried to remember how the Commander had looked the day of her union and could recall none of it, the omega realized then that she hadn’t been paying attention, all she had cared about was with being done with the ceremony.

“Today we are here for the bonding ceremony of Lexa kom Trigedakru, Commander of the Thirteen Clans and Founder of the Coalition with Clarke kom Skaikru en Trigedakru, Commander of Death and Legendary Mountain Slayer.” Indra said and Raven could just watch as Clarke and Lexa stared at each other. The blonde was so immersed in Lexa’s eyes that she didn’t even blink at the sound of the title she hated so much.

“These two women come here with one purpose only, to promise each other unconditional love until the end of their fights. With this love comes the promise of protection, loyalty, kindness and respect, and with the violation of any of them would come the dissolution of the bond.” Indra said. “Through the joining of the blood we will seal this promise.” Indra said, taking the knife from the child standing beside her, a Trigedakru child, holding the Commander’s dagger on a small pillow. On Indra’s other side there was a Skaikru child, holding two rings on a similar pillow.

Lexa took the dagger and brought it gently over Clarke’s palm, making a shallow cut and then offering it to the blonde while she offered her own hand. Clarke made a similar cut, just deep enough so it would bleed and taking Lexa’s hand in her own soon after. Indra tied a white cloth around their hands and then the exchange of vows started.

“Now, do you, Lexa kom Trikru, swear to be loyal and kind, respectful and honest with Clarke kom Skaikru until the end of your fight?”

Lexa’s voice didn’t waver.

“I do.”

“Do you swear to protect her, to see to her needs and to offer her and the children your union may bring a warm and safe home?”

“I do.”

“Do you, Lexa kom Trikru, take Clarke kom Skaikru to be your wedded wife, to cherish in love and friendship, in strength and in weakness, in success and disappointment, in victory and loss, in sickness and in health, to love her faithfully, today, tomorrow, and for as long as the two of you shall live?” Indra recited the Skaikru vows and Raven saw both Lexa’s and Clarke’s eyes water.

“I do.” Lexa said, her voice strong and sure. A tear trailed slowly down Clarke’s chin and fell onto the snowy ground.

Indra then went through the same process with Clarke and Raven watched the blonde’s eyes flood with tears every time she said ‘I do’, a smile she couldn’t contain was spreading across her face, her eyes never leaving Lexa’s.

The knot keeping the cloth tied around their hands was unmade and the child holding the rings stepped forwards. Lexa took one and held it in her hand as she looked at Clarke.

“With this ring, symbol of my love, I take you, Clarke kom Skaikru, as my partner through life. And like this ring, this circle that has no end, I promise to love you until I draw my last breath and even after.” Lexa said as she slipped the ring around Clarke’s finger, the fog of her breath filling the space between Clarke and her. The blonde took the Commander’s hand and repeated the same words, meaning every single one of them.

“With this ring, symbol of my love, I take you, Lexa Kom Trikru, as my partner through life. And like this ring, this circle that has no end, I promise to love you until I draw my last breath and even after.”

“You are now partners, mates, lovers. You may kiss.” Indra said and Raven watched as Lexa’s lips broke into a smile leaning in to cup Clarke’s face in her hands, kissing her slow and deep, bringing the blonde’s body as close as she could.

Raven tried to remember if Lexa had kissed her like that the day of their union. Had they even kissed at all?

Marcus started an applause and soon the rest of the Skaikru followed, the grounders didn’t wait to make noise as well.

The kiss seemed to last for ages. Raven couldn’t breathe.

…………………

“Are you ready, Houmon kom Heda?” Lexa asked as she helped Clarke take off her coat and then her shirt.

“I am, Wife.” Clarke said, smiling as she sat on her seat with Lexa right next to her, the tattoo artists sat beside them and Clarke offered each one of them a sheet of paper in which she had drawn their tattoo designs.

Clarke would get the face of a wolf for Lexa, she had designed it so the it would resemble Bouda’s, and the right side of it would be made of branches, vines, leaves and trees as an honor to Lexa’s Clan.

Lexa would get a horse for Clarke, one made out of geometrical figures and filled with small dots that would symbolize stars in honor of the place the blonde came from.

As Clarke sat there getting her first tattoo she thought back to the conversation she had shared with Lexa in which they had talked about their tattoos and what they would get. Clarke had always known she would get a wolf, that it was the animal Lexa related to the most, that it was her spirit, but Clarke didn’t know which tattoo should Lexa get for herself. The Commander had known all along.

_ “I will get a horse for you, Clarke.” Lexa said and Clarke had laughed. _

_ “You do know you do not need an excuse to get a horse tattoo, right?” _

_ “It is not an excuse, you simply have the spirit of a horse, Clarke.” Lexa said, moving closer in the bed to tuck a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear. _

_ “Do I?” _

_ “Yes.” Lexa said. “Horses are wild beasts, they can’t be forced to do anything, they can’t be completely tamed or contained, but they are good judges of character, if you show them respect and if they find you worthy they will be open to help you, they will bond with you and they will be forever loyal to you. If a horse doesn’t find you worthy and you try to force it to respect you it will refuse, it will kill you while trying to force it into submission, it will prefer to die before bending its will to you.” Lexa said, offering Clarke a smile. “Doesn’t that sound familiar to you?” Clarke felt herself blush, she felt Lexa kiss the redness on her cheeks. “Horses are strong, powerful and more than anything else they symbolize freedom.” _

_ Clarke looked into her eyes and buried her hand in soft braids. _

_ “Is that what I am to you? Power, strength, freedom?” Clarke asked, not missing how the Commander’s eyes moved down to her lips for a fleeting second. _

_ “You are powerful, you are strong and you are free.” Lexa said, agreeing. “I can’t deny that you offer me strength Clarke, but the reason why I see you and I think about a horse is because of the freedom you have given me. I lost Costia years ago and since then being with you is the only thing I have done for myself. Being with you for love and nothing else goes against everything Titus ever taught me. This, being with you, it breaks the chains of my duty. Do you see, Clarke? It sets me free.” Lexa said with a passion that Clarke only saw so rarely. The blonde felt emotion fill her chest with warmth and leaned in to kiss the Commander until she couldn’t breathe. _

_ “In my opinion, horses are the most beautiful animals, too.” Lexa said, a smile on her lips. Clarke laughed, she couldn’t believe how precious Lexa was. _

It took a few hours for the tattoos to be ready, time that the two women spend talking, chatting quietly about everything and nothing. Once they were done the tattoos were covered and given the proper care. Clarke and Lexa offered the artists their thanks and left, being taken right away to a small feast that the Skaikru had prepared inside the Mountain.

…………..

“Hey.” Octavia said from the doorway of Raven’s old room. The Mechanic was sitting on the floor with her back leaning against the bed.

“Hey, O.” Raven said, not really moving to look at her. Octavia moved inside the room and sat next to Raven.

“Done with wedding celebrations already?” Octavia said. Raven didn’t answer and Octavia didn’t push. “You know they would have stopped if you have asked them to, or at least that’s what Clarke told me.”

“I didn’t want them to stop.” Raven said and Octavia looked at her with skeptical eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” Raven said at once, without giving it much thought.

“Then why are you upset?” Octavia asked, softening her voice as to not pressure Raven.

“Because my wedding wasn’t like that.” The omega said bitterly, bending her good leg and curling her arms around it. “When I married Lexa I didn’t mean any of my vows, I hardly looked at her face, she held my hand in hers to slip the ring around my finger and I was disgusted. We didn’t even kiss, not that I remember at least. And I know for a fact that she felt like she was violating me in some way.”

Octavia nodded in understanding, looking away.

“That’s okay Raven, you didn’t love her when you married her, it’s normal that your memory of the wedding is not the best.”

“It’s not okay, that day was awful, I felt awful and so did she. And now she married Clarke and they had this nice ceremony that was actually about love. They meant all their vows and where they were happy and they kissed at the end like they did love each other.” Raven said, and Octavia felt her distress in her voice, it was cracking with emotion. “I am sure she doesn’t even want to remember our wedding, I honestly don’t want to either.”

“You love her, don’t you? That’s why it bothers you so much that your wedding didn’t mean anything.” Octavia said and Raven nodded.

“I don’t love her like Clarke does, not yet, but I do feel something for her now, she means something to me.”

“And she loves you?” Octavia asked, and Raven didn’t answer as fast as she would like her to. “Come on, you can’t be doubting her, not on this.”

“I know she loves me, I just worry she won’t feel the same way when I am no longer pregnant with her child.”

“I am sure it is not like that.” Octavia said and Raven turned to look at her with a frown.

“Since when do you defend her so much, you hate her guts.”

“I do, believe me, but I was with her for three weeks. It was cold Raven, and at night my duty was to guard her tent for a few hours. She had nightmares every night for a week before she stopped sleeping altogether. The first few nights she woke herself up crying and then I took pity on her sorry ass and woke her up before it got too bad. She would always whisper your name though, always, it was quite pathetic.” Octavia said and Raven glared at her. “After that she stopped the rotations and appointed me as her permanent night guard, she knows we don’t see weakness the same way they do. It sucked for me though cause I would have to sleep for most of the morning and miss all the action, that until she decided to just not sleep, which is stupid if you ask me.” Octavia said, sighing loudly as she put a hand on Raven’s shoulder. “A person doesn’t suffer like that for someone they don’t love. Whatever happened between you guys before we left really hit her, and she wasn’t able to handle it. She kept her ‘I’m Heda all mighty and I have no feelings’ face for as long as she could, but at night she would break Raven, for you. It isn’t only about the baby and you know that, you just think too much, you should stop that before you hurt yourself, or her. I am sure she wouldn’t feel nice if she knew you think she only loves you because you are her baby carrier.”

Raven sighed, shaking her head and leaning her head against her knee.

“I am just not good at this. I feel insecure, I feel like she’s going to hurt me like everyone else has and I am so done with being in pain, O.”

“I know, and she might, no one is perfect and she might fuck up. You just have to keep in mind that she is the Heda of the twelve clans, if she can bring 12 nations into peace I am sure she will be able to make it okay between you guys.” Octavia said and Raven turned to look at her with amusement.

“I guess that’s comforting.” Raven said, “We did manage to fix things after what I said to her, though.”

“Yeah, and I am thankful, she bruised me really bad for the days that followed. Could’ve been worse though, I do appreciate her self control.”

“I will keep that in mind.”

“It doesn’t matter that your wedding sucked and that you hated her back then, all that matters is that you feel for her now and that each moment means something. You don’t need any ceremony for your feelings to be real.”

“Thanks, O.”

“Don’t mention it.” Octavia said and then as an afterthought she smiled and turned to look at Raven with a teasing smile. “We have been back for a week and I have been following her around like a Second does and I have noticed that she stares at you a lot.”

“At my ass?” Raven said teasingly and Octavia opened her mouth to respond when someone else beat her to it.

“At your face, your eyes are gorgeous Raven, and your smile always brightens my day, it is a blessing to me that you do it so often. Bad days doesn’t happen so often now.” Lexa said from the doorway. Raven and Octavia both turned to look at her and the Mechanic couldn’t help but give Lexa one of those smiles the Commander was talking about.

“See? Isn’t she absolutely beautiful, Octavia?” Lexa asked and the omega warrior smirked, poking Raven in the ribs.

“Yes Heda, she is. I will give you some time alone now.” Octavia said, but right before she left she leaned in to whisper in Raven’s ear. “She is so fucking whipped.” she then stood up and left.

Raven stood up as well and in a matter of moments Lexa was in front of her, wrapping her in her arms and burying her face in Raven’s neck.

“I feel like I have barely seen you today, I missed you.” Lexa whispered, her strong hands moving up and down Raven’s back. The omega felt her heart race, her stomach fluttering uncontrollably as she reached up to cup the back of Lexa’s head.

“You have been busy, Heda.” Raven said, resting her head on the alpha’s shoulder when she noticed that Lexa didn’t plan on letting go any time soon.

“Yes, but I am never busy enough to not notice your absence. Is everything okay?” Lexa said, pulling away just enough to see Raven’s face.

“Yes, my leg was just acting up so I came here while you guys got the tattoos.” Raven said and Lexa frowned, staring down at the brace and then at Raven’s eyes.

“Do you wish me to take you to the healer?”

“No, no, it’s fine, I just needed to rest it a bit.” Raven said, moving in to press a kiss on Lexa’s cheek.

“Are you well enough to come to the feast with me? You are free to stay if you are feeling unwell.”

“No, I’m fine. Let’s go.” Raven said taking Lexa’s hand and pulling her towards the door.

……………….

When they made it to the dining hall Raven noticed that Clarke was sitting on the main table talking to Marcus and besides her there two empty seats, one for Lexa and one for Raven.

“Your place is by my side.” Lexa said as they stood for a few seconds staring at the chairs. “Just like my place is by your side.”

Raven couldn’t stop herself from smiling when Lexa leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead.

…………….

Lexa fell onto Clarke’s chest feeling blissfully overjoyed, the exhilaration of being with Clarke after they had gotten married made all the difference to her. To look into the blonde’s eyes as she came and see the woman she belonged to, the woman she had longed for, the woman she thought she would never be able to love made things completely different.

Clarke seemed to be able to read her face because soon after she was bringing Lexa down for another kiss, one hand buried in Lexa’s wild curls, the other still between the alpha’s legs, helping her ride the aftershocks of her climax.

“Married sex is the best, don’t you think?” Clarke whispered as Lexa let herself fall to the side only to have Clarke curl into her mere seconds later.

“It is.” Lexa said, kissing the top of Clarke’s head. “You have made me truly happy, Clarke kom Skaikru.”

They stayed quiet for a few seconds, just basking in the afterglow when Clarke moved away from Lexa’s chest and reached out for something in the bedside table.

“Do you remember the first thing we ever told each other?” Clarke said, and she knew that Lexa remembered, she saw it in the way her eyes seemed to brighten in the low light, she saw it in the small smile that shaped her mouth.

“You are the one.” Lexa said, no doubt in her voice, “I could never forget.”

“I firmly believe that’s the truth. No, I am sure that’s the truth, I know you are the one for me.” Clarke said and the Commander’s eyes got just a little misty. “That’s why I married you and that’s I want to give you this.” Clarke said, taking the object she had been hiding behind her back and giving it to Lexa.

Lexa took it gently, she was unfamiliar with the object, but she knew it must have held a lot of meaning to Clarke. The alpha took it with both hands and pressed it close to her chest.

“Thank you, Clarke.” She said honestly, even if she didn’t know what it was. Clarke smiled, feeling warm, happy and so endeared by her wife.

The blonde leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to the Commander’s lips.

“It belonged to my father, it is the only thing I have left of him and I want you to have it.” Clarke said feeling unimaginables level of tenderness when Lexa’s eyes widened, looking down at the unfamiliar object we a new found realization.

“Clarke.” Lexa said, her voice half a gasp and half a whisper. 

“Please, do not try to give it back. You mean everything to me, I love you and I want you to have it as a symbol of our love and our union.” Clarke said, reaching out for the watch and then for Lexa’s wrist, helping her put it on.

Lexa looked at it, her eyes shamelessly letting tears fall down her cheeks. She cupped Clarke’s face and brought her close for a gentle kiss.

“I love you, Clarke.” Lexa said, pressing her forehead to the blonde’s, her voice shaking with feelings. “So much.”

“Ai hod yu in, Leksa.” Clarke said, smiling. “Will you let me show you just how much for the rest of the night?” Clarke said, her voice husky, her hands travelling lower and lower.

“Yes.” Lexa said, closing her eyes at the feeling of Clarke’s mouth on her neck.

“And for the rest of our lives?” Clarke asked and Lexa pulled away to look at her in the eye.

“For the rest of our lives.” Lexa said. “And even after.”

Clarke’s breath got caught somewhere in her chest and moment’s later Lexa was lowering her back onto the bed.

……………………………...

Clarke and Raven knew that something was happening when they woke up curled around each other.

“Shit princess, your boobs are great and all but where the hell is Lexa?” Raven asked groggily as she pushed herself away from Clarke’s chest.

“No idea.” Clarke said, awkwardly uncurling her arms from Raven’s waist.

“How did she get up without us noticing?”

“The mystery of the year, we basically sandwich her.” Clarke said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.

“She loves it.” Raven said, putting on her brace and getting up from their massive bed, she had only woken up because she needed to relieve herself.

“Bouda is gone, too.” Clarke shouted from the room, petting Ash and Vulcan as the two pups licked at her fingers.

“Do you think there is something wrong?” Raven asked with a frown as she watched the blonde reach for her radio.

“No, we would have heard by now.” Clarke said. “Lexa? Lexa, can you hear me?”

It took some time but eventually the radio crackled and Lexa’s voice came through, she sounded a bit winded.

“Clarke, what are you doing awake at this hour? Go back to sleep.” Lexa said and Raven arched her eyebrows, no one could boss Clarke around like that. The blonde glared at the radio and the omega tried to hide a chuckle by biting her lip.

“I should be the one asking you that. It’s the middle of the night, the night is made for sleeping. Where are you?”

“I am outside…” Lexa faltered and it made both Raven and Clarke look at each other, the Commander never faltered. “...training with Octavia.”

“We train with Octavia in the morning, are you lying to me?” Clarke said.

“No, Clarke.” Octavia’s voice came through the radio. “I am just way more advanced than you, I must know how to fight in every terrain and under every weather condition.” 

Raven took the radio from Clarke.

“O, put my wife on the radio, now.” the omega said, leaving no room for discussion.

“Yes, Wife?” Lexa said.

“What did I tell you about walking around under the stupid snow?” Raven asked, exasperated, and Clarke looked at her with amusement.

“That I should stop, and I have, it is not snowing at the moment.” Lexa said and Raven felt conflicted between giving her a hard time and wanting to kiss her.

“It is still freezing outside and you don’t sleep enough as it is.”

“I am wearing the proper clothing for this weather, worry not, Wife.”

“Not the point. I want you back here now, who knows how long you have been there already,” Raven said, looking at Clarke as the blonde pointed to Raven’s belly, the omega smirked.

“Give me an hour.” Lexa protested.

“No.”

“Half an hour?” Lexa tried again.

“If you are not back in the next 10 minutes I won’t let you touch your son anymore, he is currently in my belly and I won’t let you touch it.” Raven said smiling at Clarke as the blonde gave her a thumbs up. “And Clarke says she will ban you from her boobs.”

They both heard Lexa sighing from the other end.

“I will be there soon.”

“Good.” Raven said as she walked back towards the bed laying down on it.

“I love the baby manipulation.” Clarke said with a laugh as she fell into the bed next to Raven, her eyes going down to the clearly visible baby bump.

“I feel bad when I use it, well not really, but I just wouldn’t be able to go through with it.” Raven said and Clarke’s eyes softened.

“You need her to hold you to sleep.”

“Yes.” Raven said, even if Clarke’s sentence hadn’t been worded like a question. “I think it has to do with feeling safe and protected. She kept me safe at the cabin and she always helps me when I have nightmares, so I relate her to safety now. When she isn’t around I either can’t fall asleep or have really bad nightmares. It’s lame I know.”

“It isn’t.” Clarke said, reaching out to place her arm on Raven’s arm. “Something similar happens to me, I can’t sleep if I am not holding her. Since she almost died at the cabin I’ve been having nightmares about it, I always dream about that moment where I was trying to resuscitate her and she just wouldn’t come back. In my dreams she never does. I fall asleep easier now that I can hold her, it makes me feel like I’m keeping her safe, reminds me she’s very alive, and if I have a nightmare and I wake up startled and agitated I just have to feel her against me and I am able to calm down.” Clarke said and Raven frowned.

“Has it happened since we started sleeping together?”

“A few times, I am never loud enough to wake you and I calm down pretty quickly after I feel Lexa close.”

As if summoned the Commander walked inside of the room, braids and clothes covered in snow. Bouda shook itself off, getting all the white stuff out of his fur.

“Didn’t you say it wasn’t snowing?” Raven said, staring at Lexa from the bed with arched eyebrows.

“It started to snow as we were walking back here, we weren’t too close so-”

“Did you take your guards with you?” Clarke asked and Lexa moved her green eyes from Clarke and then to Raven, her silence said it all.

“You were walking under the stupid snow in the middle of the night alone with Octavia? Are you trying to get yourself killed?” Raven said, getting angry quickly.

“There is no need for guards, people don’t leave their homes in this weather.”

“I am sure the Azgeda do, and the Nomads.”

“Azgeda is no longer a threat and it is unlikely for the Nomads to get this deep into Trikru territory.” Lexa said as she took off her coat and gloves.

“What about the 2 assassinations attempts since you married Raven?” Clarke asked, standing up and crossing her arms across her chest.

“Yes, what about those?” Raven asked and the Commander sighed, her pheromones flaring enough for Raven and Clarke to notice.

“I do not need, nor have to explain myself to any of you. I am the Commander and if I desire to leave in the middle of the night, I will, and if I want to endanger my life and get myself killed, I will.” She said, her eyes losing their warmth and turned into stone as they stared back to Clarke and Raven.

The omega’s eyes widened in shock, her mouth parted open as she was left speechless. On the other hand the flare in Lexa’s pheromones and her hostile tone were enough to rile up Clarke, whose factions hardened as she moved to step right in front of Lexa.

“I don’t give a fuck about you being the Commander, you are my wife, mine and Raven’s and you owe us both to at least give a little bit of a shit about your life and your safety.” Clarke said, getting so close to Lexa they were almost nose to nose.

Raven sensed the pheromones in the air, the hostility between both alphas and knew that things were about to get out of hand.

“Shit, shit, shit.” Raven muttered under her breath as she got to her feet and put herself between Clarke and Lexa.

“Why don’t we take a breath and talk about it?” Raven offered, placing a hand in Clarke’s chest and gently pushing her back and away from Lexa. “You are both being very dominating right now and your pheromones are affecting me in a bath way, you are making me nervous so just stop.” Raven said, pumping her own pheromones to try to placate the alphas. 

Lexa stopped pumping out her own as soon as she heard Raven’s distressed voice, looking away from Clarke to look at her. The blonde didn’t have the same control, but with Lexa’s retreat it was easier for her to gradually calm down.

“Okay, that’s better.” Raven said once it was easier to breathe in the room. “Now, you are being an inconsiderate asshole.” She said, turning towards Lexa. “And we are being too hard on you, you have always been on your own, making decisions by yourself and your role has put you in a position of power where you hardly have to consult anything with someone else.” Raven said, motioning at herself and Clarke as she took a deep breath. “We are pushing too much, but you have to understand that we worry, and not taking your guards with you is idiotic and you know it.”

“My guards weren’t with me but they weren’t far away, if trouble came for us all I had to do was signal them and they would have known my position, I just didn’t have time to explain when you both started assuming things. I have been the Commander for years if there is one thing you should assume is that I know how to keep myself safe.” Lexa said.

“Clearly.” Clarke snapped, sarcasm dripping from her voice. “You are so safe that not 4 months ago I was in the middle of the forest resuscitating you, because a group that we have yet to identify attacked you, killed all of your guards and would have done the same to you and to Raven.”

“It didn’t happen because I know how to defend myself.” Lexa said, her voice tense, they were both getting worked up again.

“It didn’t happen because I was there! Because I did CPR on you! You know that otherwise you would have died, you even told Raven to make sure your body got to Polis, so don’t come here to bullshit me about your excellent fighting techniques when they will sure work for nothing against poison and even bullets!” Clarke said, getting angrier than before. Raven knew they were getting into a tough subject for the blonde and that if she didn’t stop her now things would get messy.

Raven grabbed onto the blonde’s arm and pulled her closer to her, pumping her calming pheromones as much as she could as she held onto the blonde’s face and physically forced her to look at her and not at Lexa.

“She’s fine, she’s safe and she’s with us. Just please, try to calm down so we can solve this.” Raven whispered, letting go of Clarke when the blonde gave her a yerky nod.

They sat on the bed and soon after Lexa took the lead of the conversation, seeing Clarke so upset had softened and so while both the Mechanic and Clarke sat on the bed she knelt in front of them reaching out for their hands.

“I need you both to understand that I will never be completely safe. I am Heda and that comes with dangers and enemies. You are right Clarke, it doesn’t matter how good I am at fighting, or how many guards I have, someday someone may get to kill me and I am sorry that we can’t be at peace but this is something I didn’t choose for myself. All I can do to keep myself safe I am already doing it, you need to trust me on that.” Lexa said, her eyes soft as she looked up at Raven and Clarke.

“But why put yourself in unnecessary danger? Why train in the middle of the night if we can do that in the morning when there is light and when it is less likely to get attacked?” Clarke asked and Lexa sighed, reaching for something in her pocket. The blonde frowned when she recognized the missing pages of her sketchbook.

“I didn’t want to do it like this, but some time ago I found this drawings on Clarke’s book.” Lexa said, offering them the pages. Raven took one of them and unfolded them, in them there were drawings of a house, a beautiful house and on one of the pages there were 3 women and a child standing outside of it. “Gustus didn’t get to train me in house building because I was called to lead my people, but after the wars there was always destruction and I as the Commander always showed support to my people by helping them rebuilt their homes. I planned to build us a home, this home that Clarke drew, on a steady terrain close to the river, it takes only an hour to walk there from here and close by there is a hill, from the top we will be able to see the wild horses running bellow during the summer…” Lexa trailed off, her eyes shy as she moved her gaze from the drawings on Raven’s hands and back to her wives’. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“You leave us in the middle of the night to build this?” Raven clarified, her heart beating hard in her chest, beside her Clarke was speechless.

“Yes, I’ve been doing so since I came back from the villages attacked by the Nomads. I need to get done as much as I can now because when spring comes I will have to go back to Polis. Right now because of the weather it is hard for the clans to communicate, for the riders to travel and reach me if there are any troubles, so basically if there is trouble it is mostly within each clan and it usually doesn’t require my assistance. So I spend my mornings training with Clarke and Octavia, then supervising things in Polis, then in the afternoon I check how things are going with Arkadia and then I leave to work on the house.” Lexa said, tracing the pages with her fingers. “I come back for dinner and we go to sleep, and then I wake up early to work on it for a few hours before training.”

“You are doing this all on your own? This routine is going to kill you.” Clarke said, looking down at Lexa with worry, at the deep bags under her eyes.

“No.” Lexa said with a small smile. “I would like to say that I have the abilities to build a house on my own, but I don’t. I know basic things that I have learnt over the years, but not near enough to do something as big and as complex as this. I called the builders from a near village to help, it is not too far from here, closer than TonDC even but in the opposite way, 2 of them came and they brought their seconds. I put my input where I can, but mostly I just follow their directions, after all they have been doing this for their whole lives, I haven’t.”

Raven turned to look at Clarke, the blonde was staring at the drawing she had made, the 3 women and the child in front of the beautiful log house.

“How long is it going to take?”

“It could take up to a year, maybe a little longer. Right now we have been just making plans, studying the land and choosing the logs, this is the best time of the year to do so because the sap level is low so it will minimize the risk of stain. We want to choose them all now to be able to debark them during the spring, as it is takes less time to do it then than during the winter, then we will store them to dry for about six months. But before we start cutting the trees we need to study the land, make the design of it to be able to judge how many logs we would need. I have always wanted a big home, it is best, more comfortable for children so I told the builders we would do it as big as the land allowed us, we made a rough design of it to be able to start cutting the trees, which have to be chosen carefully so they will last, and that’s what we have been doing for the past week. There’s not really anything to see yet.” Lexa said and her cheeks got a little red.

Clarke didn’t say anything and Raven was a little in shock herself. She was happy though, Lexa was talking about her dreams, about children, as in plural. She was thinking about her future.

“I wanted it to be a surprise, a gift for you both and for our children.” Lexa said, she was quiet, the silence from her wives was starting to make her feel more than a little unsure of herself.

“It is a surprise.” Raven said at last, looking down at Lexa with a big smile. “I think it is really awesome. More than anything, hearing you talk about yourself and us like we have a future is making me really happy.” Raven said, reaching out to take Lexa’s hand.

“I want a future now more than ever before, I don’t know if I will have it but I sure do hope so.” Lexa said and Clarke looked up with her eyes completely wet. In seconds she was down on her knees in front of Lexa, hugging her tightly and crying quietly with her face buried in her neck.

“Clarke?” Lexa called quietly, her arms curled warmly around the blonde’s back. “I thought this would bring you joy, I shouldn’t have taken your drawings without permission.”

“It is not that, I am just feeling too many things.” Clarke whispered, pulling back, her hands were left resting on Lexa’s neck. “I want to help with the house.”

“Me too.” Raven said, reaching out to take Lexa’s hand. “We can do this together, I will even walk under the stupid snow.”

Lexa didn’t seem pleased.

“I want to do this for both of you, I do not want you involved.”

“Oh honey,” Raven said as she kneeled besides both alphas and curled one arm around Lexa’s neck. “It’s cute how you think you have a choice. You might control the 12 clans but you can’t make decisions for us, it will take you nowhere and you know it. Besides, you promised me freedom, didn’t you?”

Lexa mutely nodded her head and Clarke was amused by her quiet annoyance.

“I think it is a good idea, we need to spend more time together anyway, the 3 of us. Things have been going okay for the past week, but it won’t always be like that so this could be a way for us to interact, get along better.” 

“Okay, you can participate, but you will take it easy.” Lexa said, moving her eyes to look at Raven. “You need rest.”

“I am pregnant not sick, right Clarke?” Raven said and the blonde actually gave her a sheepish look.

“I do not think house building is the best thing to do in your state.”

“You asshole! I supported you and now you stab me in the back” Raven said, standing up dramatically and moving towards the bed.

“Raven, come on.” Clarke said, not wanting the omega to be mad at her.

“Next time you go all alpha on each other I will just let you beat each other up.” The omega said from the bed, burying her face in her pillow soon after. “I am working on the house anyway and if any of you try to get all alpha on me I will not be pleased.”

Clarke and Lexa gave each other a look, the blonde rolled her eyes at the omega’s antics and moved forwards to wrap her arms around Lexa.

“I am sorry,” the blonde whispered, “I know it is difficult for you to feel like you are losing control. I was trying to get my point across and I wasn’t listening, I am sorry.”

“I should be the one apologizing, I know you only said those things because you care about me-”

“Because I love you.” Clarke interrupted, watching Lexa’s lips pull into a small smile.

“Yes, because you love me, and I was rude about it. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that.” Lexa said, nuzzling her nose with Clarke’s, their lips awfully close.

“How about we forgive each other?” the blonde offered.

“I agree.” Lexa said, leaning in to take Clarke’s lips with her own.

A pillow was hurdled from the bed and hit them right on their heads. Clarke chuckled and threw it back at Raven, the omega didn’t even flinch, only scooting back against Lexa’s body when the alpha lay down behind her.

“Sleep.” Raven ordered.

And the alphas knew better than to refuse. After a few minutes they were all peacefully asleep, curled around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am having a hard time with myself, so I don't know how to feel about this chapter. Tell me what you think in the comments or on tumblr: https://siriusandhalley.tumblr.com/ I barely know how to use it and that's pathetic I know, but I do know how to use the chat thing so we'd be fine.
> 
> Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment, I appreaciate it :)
> 
> ABOUT THE LACK OF LOVE MAKING AFTER THE WEDDING: the lack of love making wasn't because I wanted to cut Clarke and Lexa time, it was because I am not into writing sex scenes, which is something I said very early on, on the notes of the first chapter I think. To me it is difficult and even uncomfortable at times and right at this moment I don't have the energy or the mindset to write them. It sucks that it came at a time when Clarke and Lexa were getting married, but it wasn't planned, it could have come at any time. I am just not able to write something like that right now. Even more so when there is a big scene coming up soon. So I am truly sorry about that, I know it is unfair. I thought about postponing the wedding so I would be able to do the wedding night properly but that would just mess up with what comes next so I decided against it.


	11. Trouble

Lexa was running, Clarke was in her arms bleeding, and Lexa was running.

 

She made it to the Medbay and saw hell in Abby’s eyes when the doctor’s gaze met hers. In seconds Clarke was taken away from her and lowered onto one of the beds. Abby had her hand pressed hard on Clarke’s head trying to slow the blood flow with gauze.

 

“This is exactly why I didn’t want her to marry you!” Abby snapped, her tone full of hatred as the volume of her voice reached that of a scream. “You forced her hand in TonDC, your forced her hand in Mount Weather, you pushed her into a position of leadership she was never meant to have! And now you are training her to help you lead our people, do you even know if that’s what she wants?!” Abby shouted, angrily taking off her gloves and throwing them to the floor as she reached for some cotton and alcohol to clean the wound on Clarke’s forehead. It was a deep, ragged cut that started on the left side of her forehead and stretched upwards, getting lost in her hairline, the skin surrounding it was starting to darken.

 

“You turned her into this!” Abby said, her eyes on the blood and her voice directed at Lexa. “You turned her into you! And some day you are going to get her murdered!” 

 

Lexa was calm, steady, an immovable object. Her face and her body lacked all feeling and reaction, but inside she was a raging inferno. A storm. Clarke was hurt, and she was the one to blame.  _ Again.  _

 

“You say you love her, but you don’t.” Abby said, cutting right through. “If you loved her you would have stayed away, if you loved her you would have kept her safe by leaving her. But you are just too selfish, and you do not know how to be anything else. I thought you were capable of love, but I was wrong. Your marriage with Clarke was a mistake and my daughter will pay with her life for it.” Abby gave the Commander one last furious glance before calling a nurse to help her push the stretcher away, they needed to get the blonde a CT scan.

 

Lexa stayed there, unable to move. Octavia watched her back, her heart beating hard in her chest, she had wanted to intervene but Abby’s anger had made her blood turn to stone.

 

“Heda.” Octavia said tentatively, the Commander’s face was as blank as usual, but the energy around her was dark and Octavia was afraid. “I will speak to her, I will tell her it was my fault.”

 

“You will say nothing.” Lexa said, not even turning to look at Octavia. “You were upset before training and instead of channeling that to focus your mind you let it turn you erratic and you made a mistake that resulted in this. You are not new to this Octavia, you are not a child, you should be able to control yourself better by now.”

 

“Heda-” Octavia tried, but Lexa didn’t let her get another word out.

 

“You have disappointed me. Leave my sight. Now.” Lexa’s voice was sharp and left no space for doubt, Octavia nodded even if she knew Lexa wouldn’t be able to see her and left.

 

…………….

 

Abby came back after about an hour, her eyes were on a tablet as a nurse moved Clarke to a private room. When the woman looked up she saw that the Commander was still there, standing right where Abby had left her.

 

“I realize I wasn’t clear before.” Abby said. “You are not welcome here.”

 

“Clarke would want me here and I know enough about Skaikru laws to know that I have rights as Clarke’s spouse and one of them is that I get to stay with her and know about her condition, I get to ask for a different doctor if I wish to as well.” Lexa said, taking a step further and getting into Abby’s personal space. “I am not just Clarke’s spouse, I am also the Commander and with the way you spoke to me earlier I have every right to tie you to a tree and cut you up like the beast you think I am, so I suggest that you keep your feelings to yourself and take me to my wife before I decide to walk over you to get to her.”

 

Abby’s face turned red with anger, she clenched her jaw and her fists and moved away, letting the Commander pass into Clarke’s room.

 

Lexa felt her heart wither and burn as she stared at Clarke’s pale face.

 

“She has a serious concussion, thankfully there are no signs of internal brain bleeds, but it is too early to tell if she is okay or not. She hasn’t woken up which is a bad sign after a head injury, but she hasn’t had seizures and her scans are clear so hopefully she will regain consciousness soon. She needs to stay here for observation and after that she won’t be able to do any kind of strenuous activity for about two weeks, or until the symptoms she will surely have disappear. Headaches, sensitivity to light and sound, confusion, irritability, nausea and vomiting. She will need proper care, 24 hours a day, something that you cannot provide for her-”

 

“Abby.” Raven’s voice snapped from behind them. “I want you to leave this room now.”

 

“Clarke is my daughter!”

 

“And I am the Commander’s wife, that gives me enough authority to order the guards outside to drag you out of here and I swear to you I would do it so please leave.” Raven said, ignoring the glare the doctor directed at her as she made her way out.

 

Once they were alone Raven moved to Lexa’s side, moving a hand up her back time and time again until the Commander’s facade started to crumble. Lexa turned her body so she was facing Raven, letting herself fall into her embrace.

 

Raven hugged her tightly, feeling the Commander bury her face in her neck, feeling Lexa’s tears wet her skin.

 

They stood besides Clarke’s bed, Raven holding Lexa tightly as she cried herself to exhaustion.

 

“Whatever she said to you was not true.”

 

“I married Clarke for myself, for no one else, it was selfish of me. It goes against everything I have ever known, it got Costia killed and it will kill her eventually, and you.” Lexa said and Raven sighed. Abby had been good at prodding Lexa’s biggest worries and doubts.

 

“None of that is true, you married her out of love and not selfishness, you both have been happier since you did it. Abby is just scared out of her mind and she is looking for someone to blame. Everything she said was nasty and unfair and you don’t deserve it, okay?”

 

Lexa pulled away and wiped her cheeks dry with her hands.

 

“I do not wish to talk anymore.”

 

“That’s okay, let’s just sit here.” Raven said, pushing the only armchair in the room closer to the bed and sitting on it, pulling Lexa besides her. It was a little tight and they were basically pressed together but it would do. “Hold her hand.” Raven said. “I am sure she would want that.”

 

Lexa looked doubtful, but at the end of the day she ended up taking Clarke’s hand in her own, holding it gently and looking anywhere but her face. Raven looked at her with worry, curling an arm around her back and pulling her closer.

 

“She’s going to be okay.” Raven whispered, pressing a kiss to the Commander’s head.

 

“She is never going to be okay while she is with me.”

 

“Don’t say that, we both know that is not true.” Raven said watching the Commander clench her jaw, she didn’t say anything else.

 

Eventually, after all the stress and the anxiety and the crying Lexa’s head dropped limply against Raven’s shoulder, her body going slack. Raven was quietly thankful for it, she had been watching Lexa fighting exhaustion for so long she almost wanted to cup the side of her face and press it to her shoulder, but she knew the Commander wouldn’t appreciate the gesture.

 

The Mechanic turned her head to the side, pressing a kiss to the crown of Lexa’s head and sighing. She later turned to look at Clarke, she knew that head wounds were delicate, dangerous, but she also knew that Clarke was strong and that she would make it. Raven rested her cheek on Lexa’s head as she stared at the blonde, silently asking her to wake up already.

 

About an hour later the Mechanic was gently tracing one of Lexa’s tiny ears when she heard a soft groan. She turned to look at Clarke and smiled when she saw her eyes blink open slowly.

 

“Welcome back, Princess.” Raven said, her voice light and quiet. “How are you feeling?”

 

The blonde clutched her eyes shut, grimacing.

 

“Like someone put my head in a blender, why is it so bright in here?” Clarke said, her voice sounding hoarse and tired. She went to rub at her eyes with her hand, but quickly noticed one of them was trapped. The blonde frowned a little and looked down, seeing Lexa’s hand attached to her own, she moved her gaze up the arm and found Lexa asleep pressed against Raven’s side.

 

“Well I heard Octavia’s foot met your pretty face and then that pretty face came face to face with a rock, so yeah, the blender thing doesn’t sound too far fetched.” Raven said and Clarke grimaced.

 

“Shit.” Clarke said, squeezing Lexa’s hand in her own. “How long was I out?”

 

“A few hours, your scans are clear, you are just concussed and will be out of the field for a few weeks.” Raven said and Clarke nodded, her head was pulsing and she felt like she was going to puke.

 

“Was Lexa hard on O?” Clarke asked, looking at Lexa’s sleeping face worriedly, she knew the Commander couldn’t have been pleased.

 

“She didn’t tell me, she just told me to come here because your mom was saying some things to Lexa.” Raven said. “She was too late though, she couldn’t find me because I wasn’t on my usual workplace and when I got here the damage had been done already.” 

 

“What did my mother say?” Clarke asked, eyes cold.

 

“It was bad so don’t be surprised if she is off when she wakes up.” Raven said and Clarke grimaced for an entire different reason, squeezing Lexa’s hand while Raven called her name to wake her. It didn’t take much and a moment later Lexa had moved away from Raven’s hold to move closer to Clarke.

 

“Clarke, how are you feeling?” Lexa asked, bringing Clarke’s hand to her lips. The blonde looked at the redness around Lexa’s eyes and felt worry pull in her gut.

 

“I am fine, it was just a bump.” Clarke reassured, but the concerned frown on Lexa’s face didn’t leave.

 

“I must call your mother, she must confirm your health.”

 

“No! Don’t!” Clarke said and the loudness of her own voice made pain pulse behind her eyes. Lexa was already standing and Clarke clutched at her hand to keep her from leaving. “I do not wish to see my mother.”

 

“But she is the healer-”

 

“So am I, I am not confused, I remember what happened, I remember my name and the date and everything, I am just sore and I want you to stay here with me.” Clarke said, but Lexa still seemed unsure.

 

“Stay here.” Raven said, standing behind Lexa and putting a hand on her shoulder. “Sirius and I will go get a nurse, okay?” Lexa nodded and Raven walked out.

 

Lexa took Clarke’s hand between both of her own and looked into her eyes.

 

“Clarke, you must know I never intended for this to happen-”

 

“Do not apologize, this wasn’t your fault, it was a training accident. And you know things like this happen, I am sure it must have happened to you.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

“I do not appreciate being the reason why you are hurt, again.” Lexa said, and Clarke looked back at her with confusion.

 

“Again?” Clarke asked and Lexa only gave her a look, realization dawned on the blonde like a punch to the gut.

 

“Mount Weather was my decision, not yours.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded, that wasn’t what she meant to say.

 

“But  **me** leaving  **you** , it hurt you.”

 

“It hurt us both, I get it Lexa, believe me I do, I made the same choice when I killed them all, we also had allies inside and I decided to leave them to die anyway. You had to leave and I understand that, and it hurt us both, I knew you were in pain too and it is clear it still hurts you.” Clarke said and Lexa lowered her head.

 

“I hurt you at TonDC, I hurt you when I sentenced your lover to death, I hurt you in the Mountain and I have ruined your relationship with you mother, which has brought you pain… I can’t stop myself from thinking that our union brings nothing but bad things for you and it won’t stop if you stay by my side. The people who love me die, that’s just how things are, Clarke.” Lexa said, looking up only when she heard the rustling of the sheets.

 

“Clarke, you have to stay in bed. Clarke-” Lexa was cut off by the sudden press of Clarke’s lips against hers. The blonde buried her hand in Lexa’s braids and pulled her close, kissing her deeply, caressing the Commander’s bottom lip with her tongue until the other alpha gave her access. Right then Clarke was welcomed by the warmth of Lexa’s mouth, she kissed her deeply and slowly, nipping at the Commander’s lips and running her hand over the back of her neck until the dizziness and the pain that came with her injury forced her to pull away.

 

Lexa held her securely in her arms, both of them curled around Clarke’s waist.

 

“You are my wife, Lexa.” Clarke said strongly, looking into the Commander’s eyes as she cupped her face in her hands. “ And I  **love you,** I have never felt anything like this for anyone else so I need you to please stop. TonDC, Finn, The Mountain, those were things that hurt me, but you didn’t do them to me. I decided to leave TonDC, Finn decided to kill all those people, you needed to save your people because they come first. I don’t hold any of those decisions against you because you did not make them to hurt me, you made them to keep your people safe and I would never hold your duty against you. I fell in love with you and you are the Commander, so I love the Commander too. I love this powerful woman whose presence commands attention without even trying, I love this selfless woman who puts everything before herself. I love the woman that respected me and did not put me down or doubt me for my age, the woman that believed from the moment she met me that I had potential and that I would be a good leader to my people…” Clarke had to stop herself to swallow the feelings that were clogging her throat. “You are the strongest person I have ever met, just looking at you gives me strength. I love you and if that gets me killed then I don’t care. I don’t know if there’s anything at all after death, but I do know that I met the person I am meant to be with in this life and I am not going to waste it by leaving you to be safer. A life without you would be just surviving and we-”

 

“Deserve better than that.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled brightly at her, leaning in to press her forehead against Lexa’s, feeling the Commander nuzzle her nose with her own.

 

“Yes, exactly.” Clarke said, pressing a soft kiss to Lexa’s lips. “Now let's sit down because I’m getting pretty dizzy right now.”

 

Instead of opting to put Clarke back into bed, the Commander sat on the armchair with the blonde on her lap. Clarke carefully pressed her head to the Commander’s shoulder, there was no better place to be.

 

“You will get better, I will see to that.”

 

“I know you will, but don’t worry, it was just a bump to the head. I should be able to walk out of here tomorrow. And after that I will just need a few days and everything will be fine.” Clarke said, closing her eyes, feeling already exhausted even if she hadn’t been awake for long.

 

“Your mother believes you are still in danger.”

 

“My mother is trying very hard to make you feel bad about our marriage. It is true that head injuries are difficult and that complications may arise, but I feel well Lexa and there have not being any complications so far so please, trust me.”

 

They heard a commotion outside and suddenly Abby pushed inside, looking more than furious. Raven came behind her looking angry herself.

 

“I told you she did not want to see you!” the omega snapped.

 

“She is my daughter! And I am her doctor.” Abby said before turning to look at Clarke, her rage reached incomprehensible levels when she saw the blonde was out of bed and sitting on Lexa’s lap. “She needs rest! Apparently you can’t keep it in your pants long enough to let her recover.” Abby said, her eyes on Lexa.

 

Clarke saw red.

 

In a moment the blonde was standing, her pheromones blasting out of her with such force that Abby had to show her neck.

 

“GET OUT!” Clarke shouted, her head pounding so bad she thought she would pass out, and at the same time she didn’t even care.

 

“Clarke-” Abby tried, but Clarke didn’t let her get a word out.

 

“GUARDS!” Clarke shouted and in seconds the 2 grounders posted out the door came inside looking like they would pee their pants with Clarke’s unrestrained show of dominance.

 

“Yes, Wanheda?”

 

“Remove my mother from my sight. I do not wish to see her.” Clarke said, without another word one of the guards grabbed Abby’s arm. They looked unsure about how to act, after all she was still Clarke’s mother.

 

At the end Abby let herself be guided outside, her expression clouded with grief and shock.

 

Raven shared a look with Lexa, she knew that while Clarke was upset it wasn’t a good idea for Lexa to near her. The Mechanic moved closer to the blonde and touched her arm gently, pumping her calming pheromones and prompting the alpha to get back in bed.

 

“Can you believe what she said?” Clarke said through gritted teeth, pressing the heel of her hand against her left eye, she felt like someone was drilling the space right behind her eye and the pressure seemed to be helping.

 

“She was an ass.” Raven agreed, looking worriedly at the way Clarke was pressing into her eye, but knowing that leaving the room and bringing a nurse in could still set off the blonde. “You need to calm down before your head blows.”

 

“I am calm.” Clarke said and the omega huffed.

 

“Look at my arm.” Raven said and the alpha did as told, seeing Raven’s skin aflare with goosebumps. “Your pheromones are doing that to me Griff, so please, take a deep breath.”

 

Clarke did as told, repeatedly breathing deeply until the surge of pheromones passed. She was left exhausted, her eyelids dropping heavily as her head continued to pulse.

 

Lexa moved to her side then and pressed a kiss to Clarke’s lips.

 

“She’s been such a bitch.” Clarke said groggily. Lexa’s face was just inches from her own.

 

“It’s okay, just focus on healing.” Lexa whispered and Clarke did her best to open her eyes fully.

 

“I will, if you promise me you will never listen to her bullshit ever again.”

 

“I promise.” Lexa said, lowering her head again to kiss the blonde. Clarke was asleep before she even pulled away.

 

………………

 

Raven moved closer once Lexa straightened her back, she put a hand on her arm and then trailed it down in a gentle caress until their hands were interlocked.

 

“Don’t worry, I will help you take care of her.” 

 

“You don’t have to.” Lexa said. “It is my responsibility, not yours.”

 

“As your wife my responsibility is to help you with yours. I know you have duties to attend to and I can work from our bedroom, it just makes sense.” Raven said, shrugging her shoulders. 

 

Lexa turned her body so she was facing Raven, she placed a hand on her protruding belly and leaned forward to press a gentle kiss to Raven’s cheek.

 

“Thank you. I will try to be better at this.” Lexa said and Raven smirked.

 

“At having two wives? Good luck with that, Heda.” Raven said, pecking Lexa’s lips before turning to leave the room.

 

Before she made it out Lexa grabbed her own and pulled her gently so they were facing each other.

 

“What is it?” Raven asked, seeing the serious expression on Lexa’s face.

 

“I know we didn’t marry each other out of love, but every single day I feel glad, lucky, blessed of having you as my wife. I don’t know what I did to have someone like you and someone like Clarke by my side. I do not believe I deserve it, but you must now I am infinitely grateful and honored.” Lexa said and Raven knew that if she was able to blush she would be doing so.

 

She wasn’t good with words, she had never been good with words so she curled her arms around Lexa’s neck and hugged her tightly, feeling the alpha’s strong arms hold her just as tight.

 

When they pulled away Lexa’s face was just too close to Raven’s and the omega couldn’t resist, she had to kiss her.

 

And she did.

 

…………………

 

Clarke felt it, she felt bones cave under her hands as she insistently pressed down. She heard the crack, the sickening snap of ribs as she continued to try to bring her love back to life.

 

It wasn’t working. Lexa’s eyes stared up at the sky, void of color, of love and life. They were completely empty.  _ Please _ , Clarke begged in her head.  _ Please, please, please _ .

 

“Come on love, you are going to be just fine, you are going to get better, just open your eyes for me.” Clarke said as she leaned down and breathed air into Lexa’s lungs.

 

It didn’t work, and like in every other nightmare Clarke had had in the past months, the hands of her mother pulled her away from the body, they kept her from trying to save the love of her life.

 

Clarke shouted, kicked and screamed but they wouldn’t let her go. Her heart broke all at once as she watched Lexa’s body disappear from her sight and the next thing saw were the grey walls of the Mountain. She didn’t feel Lexa’s body pressed against hers, she didn’t smell her scent. Lexa wasn’t there.

 

Her mind, riddled with darkness and pain could only assume that her dream was not a dream, but a memory. Suddenly she couldn’t breathe, her breath got stuck in her throat, choked gasps falling from her mouth as tears trailed quickly down her cheeks.

 

“Hey, hey, everything is fine.” Raven said as she came out of the bathroom and sat next to Clarke on the bed, wrapping an arm around the blonde’s shoulders, her violent sobs were wracking her chest.

 

“She is- she is-” Clarke cried, unable to even say the words. She held onto her chest, the only thing she could feel were Lexa’s ribs caving under her hands. It all had been for nothing. She was gone.

 

“She is just fine, she stayed with you until you fell asleep and then she left to go with the builders and choose more of the trees they will cut down for our log house. It is the afternoon; she always does that in the afternoon. Remember a few days ago, before the accident? we went with her.” Raven said and Clarke shook her head.

Raven sighed, rubbing Clarke’s back before moving towards the closet, she took the hunting leather jacket that Lexa had given her, the alpha always made sure it carried her scent so everyone would know Raven was under her protection. The Mechanic had grown very fond of it and wore it even more so than her classic bomber jacket.

“Here.” The mechanic said to Clarke, offering her the jacket. The alpha didn’t move and so Raven moved the jacket closer to Clarke’s face, the blonde sensed the scent in it and took it, burying her nose in the neck of the jacket. “See? If she was really gone her scent would have faded by now.” Raven said, sitting next to Clarke and rubbing her back up and down. The blonde was just starting to calm down.

 

“Can you reach her through the radio?”

 

“Sure.” Raven said, reaching for the radio hanging from her belt and offering it to Clarke.

 

“No, no, she will notice something is wrong. You talk to her.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

 

“Lexa? are you around, Heda?” Raven said while she held the radio close to her mouth. Lexa didn’t answer and the Mechanic saw Clarke’s eyes fill with tears.

 

“Forgive me Houmon, my hands were busy.” Came Lexa’s voice through the radio and Raven felt Clarke basically deflate with relief. 

 

“How is my house going?” Raven asked, moving closer to Clarke so the blonde could hear Lexa’s voice a little bit louder.

 

“It is not going yet, we will finish cutting down the trees soon though, it was easier and faster with the machine you provided us and now with the drawings of the house you gave us, they are more accurate than the ones we had made, so it has been easier to determine how much wood we will need. We are currently loading the cart to bring the ones we have cut today to store them in the Mountain.” Lexa said and with every word Clarke seemed to calm down further.

 

“Sounds like we will have it all set to debark them in spring.”

 

“Yes. How are you feeling?”

 

“I am okay, hungry, your son wants food Lexa, come here and eat with us. He misses you.”

 

“I am on my way.” Lexa said at once and both Clarke and Raven felt themselves melt a little inside. “How is Clarke? Is she still sleeping?”

 

Raven offered Clarke the radio but the blonde refused to take it.

 

“Yeah, like a baby. Come back before she wakes up, I know she likes that.”

 

“I’ll be there soon and I’ll bring us all dinner.”

 

“Sounds great, see you then, Robot.”

 

The conversation ended and Clarke was no longer crying.

 

“I am so scared Raven, all the fucking time.” Clarke said, her voice cracking. Raven wrapped her arms around her and hugged her tight, being extra careful with her head. 

 

“I know, I am too.” Raven whispered, gently moving her hand up and down Clarke’s back. “But she is worth it.”

 

Clarke smiled as she nodded her head, moving back a little to look at the Mechanic.

 

“Who would know you are such a romantic, if I didn’t know better I’d say you are head over heels in love with her.” Clarke said, a knowing look in her eyes.

 

“I am, just slightly though.” Raven relented, standing up from the bed and walking back to her desk. “Now pretend to be asleep, she will be here soon enough.”

 

“Sure, Houmon kom Heda.”

 

………….

 

Lexa made it to their rooms with a guard who was carrying a huge tray of food, the man left it on the nearest table before leaving.

 

Raven didn’t bother to turn around, she could smell Lexa’s scent ever since she stepped through the door.

 

The Commander looked at the bed and noticed she was asleep. She wanted to let the blonde sleep a little bit longer so she walked up to Raven, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head and a hand to the Mechanic’s belly.

 

“I have brought you food, everything you like.” Lexa whispered and Raven turned around with a smile.

 

“Thanks, I’ve been dying here.”

 

“I know, you must eat more for the both of you.” Lexa said, reaching out to wrap an arm around Raven’s waist and pull her closer. “I missed you.”

 

Raven smiled, burying her nose in Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“We were together a few hours ago.”

 

“I know, but I still longed for your presence. If it were up to me I’d have you by my side at all times, you amuse me.” Lexa said, pressing a soft kiss to the side of Raven’s face while she massaged the low of her back with gentle hands.

 

“So that’s why you want me? Cause you see me as your personal clown.”

 

“I couldn’t have said it better.” Lexa said and Raven pulled away at once, smacking Lexa’s bicep with her hand.

 

“Hey!” Raven said, pretending to be upset. Lexa’s smile was doing things to her. The Commander only pulled her into a hug in response, pressing her nose to Raven’s pulse point and breathing in deeply.

 

“I meant no offense, there’s not many people who can make me smile and you do it often, your humour is very high on the list of things I like about you.” Lexa said and Raven moved away just enough to be able to look at Lexa’s face, but without moving out of her hold.

 

“You have a list? What else is in it?” Raven asked, there was a strange and unfamiliar fluttering in her stomach. Damn, she was having butterflies. She freaked internally for a few seconds, until every single thought went to a standstill once Lexa leaned in to press a kiss to her lips. It was chaste and short and sweet and it still made Raven feel like there were a bunch of… of… fuck butterflies, having Lexa kiss her like that made her feel like her brain was going to turn into mush. She just couldn’t think at all, to her that was an entirely new feeling.

 

“Your intelligence, your passion for knowledge and the work you do, your sharp tongue and your witty responses. The way you care about others and how you are constantly using improper language. The way you treat others, how you are kind and respectful to those who deserve it, and how you wouldn’t let anyone just walk over you. I like the way you always have your hair up, I enjoy staring at your neck because I consider it beautiful. I like your eyes, their color, I know people usually consider light colored eyes more beautiful than dark ones, but I am always mesmerized by how your eyes seem to turn gold when the light of the sun hits them…” Lexa trailed off and the Mechanic noticed that she was a little embarrassed. “If I keep going our food is going to get cold.”

 

“Of course.” Raven said, leaning up to kiss the Commander because how could she not after the girl had single handedly broken her brain, when they parted Lexa’s eyes were still closed and Raven couldn’t resist so she gave her another kiss. “Go wake Clarke, I will go wash my hands.” Raven said. At the end of the day Clarke had fallen back asleep. Lexa’s ‘I will be there soon’ turned into an hour and half and Clarke was still taking pain meds for her injury, so Raven hadn’t been surprised when the blonde fell back asleep after her nightmare, she just begged anyone who would listen for her friend not to have anymore bad dreams.

 

Lexa sighed, taking off her heavy winter coat, gloves and boots to get in bed with Clarke. The blonde was sleeping soundly, soft snores falling past her parted lips and Lexa felt bad for waking her so she laid behind her and curled up around her body.

 

Her hand moved up and down Clarke’s side while her lips gently kissed her neck, the kisses moved up her jaw and met Clarke’s ear, Lexa knew they were very sensitive so she gently nipped at the lobe, hearing the blonde sigh in content.

 

“Hey.” Clarke said, voice hoarse and low, she knew it was from the crying but Lexa would probably think it was because she had slept away the afternoon.

 

“Hey love, I brought food. Do you feel well enough to eat some?” Lexa asked, the hand on Clarke’s side moving towards her stomach and drawing small circles there. Lexa knew that Clarke had been feeling a little dizzy and nauseous since the accident and more often than not she would refuse to eat.

 

“Yeah, just a bit though.” Clarke said as she turned around to face Lexa. The Commander frowned, her thumb brushing under Clarke’s eye.

 

“Are you okay? Your eyes look red.”

 

“Yeah, don’t worry, it was just a bad nightmare.” Clarke said as she curled up to Lexa’s chest.

 

“Oh. Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“No, it’s fine. Raven helped me out with that and by now I can barely remember it.” Clarke said, half lying. Lexa was right there with her, alive and well, the blonde didn’t want to talk about her death, about her nightmares.

 

“I am here to listen if you ever need to talk about it with someone. I have had some of those too.” Lexa casually commented.

 

Clarke already knew, she sometimes felt Lexa make a very sharp movement that would end up waking her up, but she was good at handling it, she always took a few deep breaths to try and calm herself.

 

“Can I ask what do you dream about?”

 

“Costia.” Lexa said and Clarke already knew that name would come up. “I know exactly what Azgeda does to the people they kidnap, and I am unable to forget the sight of her head, I am unable to forget what I felt when I saw it lying at the bottom of that dirty box.”

 

“I don’t think you have tried to forget.” Clarke said, moving back a little to look into Lexa’s eyes. “I think you keep that memory very close to your heart and use it to punish yourself for loving her.” Lexa didn’t deny and that was answer enough. “Do you remember her?”

 

“Perfectly, she was actually from Azgeda.”

 

“What?” Clarke asked, shocked and Lexa nodded.

 

“In Azgeda they have snow and almost no sun for almost six months a year, because of that their people tend to have a lighter skin tone, very pale, so delicate that it flushes red under the sunlight. Azgeda has always been hostile, violent, and that only got worse when Queen Nia took the throne. Costia’s parents were kind people, it was difficult for them to live under that kind of lifestyle and so they escaped and crossed the border. The Commander at the time would have killed them just because they were Azgeda, but he didn’t because Costia’s mother had been pregnant at the time with Costia’s younger brother and the child had been born in our territory. The birth prompted the father to ask for help and that’s how they got caught. Costia had seen two summers at the time.” Lexa said and Clarke watched her smile a little.

 

“I imagine being an Azgeda kid while your clans were at war couldn’t have been easy.”

 

“It wasn’t, especially because she stood out so much. Her hair, her parent’s hair and her brother’s hair was an unusual shade of brown that almost looked red and their eyes were gray, not like the gray here in your walls, gray like storm clouds. Here hair like yours is a rarity, but still some people have it, but red hair? it was something people hardly saw and Costia’s whole family had it, they knew right away they weren’t from these lands and that coupled by the fact that their skin would burn quickly under the sun gave away that they came from Azgeda. It made her life difficult, kids didn’t want to play with her, some of them weren’t allowed to, some of them were mean, they would throw things at her, so she grew up wary of everyone and everything, cautious and angry. I met her while I was walking around the marketplace, she was fighting a group of kids that had been throwing rocks at her and her brother, I had just ascended back then so it was easy for me to stop them and to ensure it wouldn’t happen again. She was hurt so I offered to take her back to the tower so a healer could see to her wounds, she had wanted to refuse, but her brother insisted on going.” Lexa said and Clarke just listened attentively.

 

“If that’s how she got treated by children I can’t imagine how her parents were treated.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Badly, as you can imagine, their business was not doing well because people didn’t want to trade with them so her father had to become a gona to be able to provide something. Both Costia and her brother were underfed, I noticed as soon as I saw them for the first time and I had heard of her and her family, so I offered her a job here at the tower as a handmaiden, and I gave her father a job in the stables, he had never been fond of fighting. She accepted because she knew my handmaidens weren’t just handmaidens, that they got training in how to fight, how to detect poison, how to make it and the antidotes-”

 

“And also because she could help her family.” Clarke guessed and Lexa nodded.

 

“She was eager to learn, she was happy because she had a mission and a purpose. As part of her training she would go to war with me and one of my older handmaidens. Those were difficult times and she didn’t seem to feel them, she was always vibrant, always alive, even when I felt like death was breaking my spirit. War made my mind restless, I would have awful dreams every night and she would be the one to take care of me through them, she would also tell me stories before I went to sleep, to help me rest. It didn’t take long for me to fall for her. After we got together she would make fun of me, saying she had known that I felt for her all along and that she had decided to make the first move when she noticed I wouldn’t do it. She was very familiar with Titus and what he did to me, she knew about his teachings and she took care of me when his punishments got out of hand. He always hated her, she was wary of her because even if she grew up Trikru, her blood was still Azgeda.”

 

“She sounds amazing, beautiful too.” Clarke said, she knew by the look on Lexa’s face that her mind was very far away.

 

“She was. I think and dream of her often, so I don’t think I can forget, I don’t think I want to.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded in understanding.

 

“Is it always nightmares with her?”

 

“No, but those dreams, the ones that are nice, the ones where we are happy… they break my heart, I would choose a nightmare over them every single time.” Lexa said and Clarke wasn’t surprised, a sight of happiness that would never come true could be more painful than reality itself.

 

“Is it only her in your dreams?”

 

“No, my mother, Gustus, Anya, war… you…” 

 

“Me?” Clarke asked, knowing by the look on Lexa’s eyes that the dreams in which Clarke appeared weren’t too pleasant either.

 

“The look you gave me before I left you at Mount Weather, it haunts me at night sometimes. I spent a lot of time thinking you had died there, too.” Lexa said and Clarke leaned in to hold her closer.

 

“I am right here.” Clarke said and Lexa sighed, nodding her head slowly as she took a deep breath.

 

“I am going to check on Raven, she said she was going to wash her hands and hasn’t come out of the bathroom since.” Lexa said, getting up from the bed.

 

When Lexa opened the bathroom door she found Raven just standing there, holding her protruding belly with both hands, face white as sheet. Lexa felt panic bubble in her chest.

 

“Raven.” She said, moving closer and putting a hand on Raven’s shoulder. “What’s happening?”

 

“I don’t know.” the Mechanic said, voice shaky. “I felt something weird and I thought it was gas so I pulled my pants down and sat down thinking I was just gonna do number 2, but nothing came out so I got up thinking I had imagined it but then I felt it again and I just stood here because I think something’s wrong. Something is wrong, Lexa.” Raven said, her eyes flooding with tears.

 

“We need to take you to the med bay.” Lexa said, reaching to pick Raven up.

 

“No! no! I don’t want to move, I don’t want to move, what if we hurt him? I just need to stay right here.” Raven said, stopping Lexa before she could move her.

 

“What’s going on?” Clarke said, entering the bathroom after hearing Raven’s aggravated voice from outside.

 

“There’s something wrong, it feels weird, I don’t know what to do.” Raven said, her voice shaking, she felt frozen, she thought that if she moved she would somehow make things worse.

 

“Okay.” Clarke said calmly, taking a step closer and reaching out to place her hands on Raven’s belly. “Why don’t you describe the weird feeling to me?”

 

The blonde could almost feel Lexa vibrating with panic from where she stood right beside them.

 

“I don’t know, I thought it was gas but it isn’t and it comes and goes, it’s like a flutter.” Raven said in a rush as Clarke pressed her hands very gently along her belly. “There it is again.” Raven said, a sob building up in her throat.

 

“We need to go and see the doctor.” Lexa said impatiently and Clarke could sense that she was barely keeping herself from snapping.

 

“No, no.” Clarke said, looking up at Raven with a smile on her face as she put her hand over the omega’s. Clarke felt a little something under her palm and smiled again. “Is that your weird feeling?”

 

“Yeah.” Raven said, her heart logged in her throat, barely letting her breathe.

 

“Rae, that’s not a bad thing, that’s Sirius moving around inside of you.”

 

“What?” Raven and Lexa said at the same time. The blonde reached for Lexa’s hand and placed it on the omega’s belly.

 

“That’s your baby, he is moving.”

 

“Oh my god.” Raven whispered, feeling like she could faint from relief alone. Lexa kneeled on the ground, pressing her forehead against Raven’s stomach and whispering sweet nothings to her baby, all the while feeling something right under her palm.

 

“This is a great thing, your 5th month will be over in a few days so he has been making progress right on time.” Clarke said, moving closer to Raven to wipe off the tears on her cheeks. “This is amazing, I promise you nothing is wrong.”

 

“But it could have been and I panicked and froze like an idiot instead of calling for help.” Raven said, shaking her head. Lexa stood up and kissed her silly.

 

“Our baby is moving Raven, this is a happy moment so please stop.” Lexa said, as if Raven’s brain hadn’t gone completely blank as soon as their lips met.

 

“Okay.” The omega said, her brain was still trying to catch up with everything. “Thank you, Clarke.”

 

“It’s nothing.”

 

“It’s everything.” Lexa whispered as she moved closer to hug the blonde tightly. “I was very close to losing my mind and now I am immensely happy.”

 

Clarke smiled against Lexa’s neck, placing a kiss there before pulling away.

 

“We can still have an ultrasound tomorrow to check if everything is fine, but I am sure everything is indeed perfect.” Clarke said, keeping her hand interlocked with Lexa’s as the Commander brought Raven closer to her side.

 

“I had an appointment for the fifth month ultrasound in 3 days anyway so it’d be great. I love seeing him.” Raven said and moment later she watched as Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke’s head and then hers.

 

“Let’s go eat, I am sure our food is cold by now.”

 

………………

 

Octavia always knew the Nomads would attack again, but she didn’t expect it to go as badly as it did.

 

They got word from their scouts of unusual movement around the border, possibly Nomads moving into Trikru territory to attack one of the villages near the border. They knew because of previous attacks that they would raid the village during the night and because of that they had plenty of time to get there periodically in small groups, and hide within the houses. The raiding parties were usually small, made out of ruthless big men whose purpose was to take the supplies instead of attacking the people. 

 

They knew that the Nomads would make some kind of distraction to try to make them move their attention away from the real attack, sometimes they did so with fire, sometimes they would send an injured group of people seeking for help, sometimes they would kill one of the guards in patrol.

 

Things got more difficult over the years with the amount of gonas the Commander sent towards the most vulnerable villages during the winter. And because of that Octavia thought they would have the upperhand, because they had the numbers, and the Nomads didn’t. They couldn’t raid in big groups if they wanted to keep themselves as undetected as possible, she thought they would kick their asses and go home, but of course that whole thought process changed when the gonas that were patrolling the village started dropping like flies.

 

Before any of them knew what was happening the warriors started to fall to the ground.

 

Clarke knew what it was before any of them could say a word.

 

“Get down!” the blonde shouted, pushing Lexa to the floor as heavy gun fire started coming at them. The wooden walls of the small huts had no chance against them.

 

“Base are you there? This is attack team, we need backup!” Clarke said as she pressed the radio close to her mouth.

 

“This is base, what’s going on?” Came Raven’s voice through the radio.

 

“There are bullets coming at us Rae, probably assaults rifles, they are coming at us from the tree line. Send some of our soldiers and an evac team.”

 

“You got it, do not get your ass shot, Clarke.” The omega said seriously before the line went dead. 

 

The people of the village started screaming and crying for help and Octavia saw the Commander run out of the cabin they were hiding in.

 

“LEXA!” Clarke shouted and Octavia threw herself on top of the blonde before she could go outside.

 

Clarke fought Octavia until they both heard faintly the Commander’s voice as she shouted something to her people.

 

“Stay in your homes and get down, if you don’t you will become targets. Get down and do not come out! Blow out all the fires, I want this town in the dark”

 

A moment later Lexa was back inside, breathing heavily because of her fast sprint and thankfully unharmed.

 

“Are you fucking insane!” Clarke said through gritted teeth as she brought Lexa back down.

 

“They won’t know where to shoot at now, the whole town is dark, they won’t be able to see much if we go now. They won’t spend their ammunition in unclear targets.” The Commander said and just as she had predicted the gun fire stopped.

 

“The fire was coming from the border, from the tree line.” Octavia said and Lexa shook her head. 

 

“There is the town, then there is a lake which right now is frozen and covered with snow. And just behind it there is a hill that gives away to the trees. My guess is that they are a top of the hill because the village is below it, the altitud makes it easier for them to see us.” The Commander said and Clarke nodded.

 

“By leaving the whole town dark we are forcing them to come closer so they must be coming across the lake right about now.” the blonde said, looking worriedly at Lexa and Octavia.

 

“The gonas that were on patrol were murdered quickly so we must assume there is more than one shooter out there. And they shot at the houses too, the bullets must have gone through so some of our warriors might have fallen under.” Lexa said and Octavia instantly reached for her radio.

 

“Team 1 to team 2, loses?”

 

“We lost 2 guys O, another one of them is gravely injured, I gave him a tourniquet but he is bleeding a lot.” Bellamy said from the other end. “There’s just me, another gona and the people who live in this house, we have done our best to keep them calm.”

 

“Team 1 to team 3, loses?” Octavia said again.

 

“None, but 2 of our warriors were hurt trying to protect the family that lives here, they made themselves human shields, they are alive but unable to fight. There’s 2 healthy gona and me.” Miller said.

 

“Team 4, loses?”

 

“None, we are all okay.” Brian said.

 

“Team 5, loses?”

 

“One gona is dead and 2 others were injured, when the people panicked they tried go for them and didn’t come back, we only assumed they were injured.” Lincoln said. “I am unharmed and so it’s one other gona.”

 

“There are only 17 of us left.” Lexa said. They had brought 5 teams of 5 gona each, one Skairku on each team.

 

“Does anyone have eyes on the hill?” Clarke asked through the radio.

 

Nothing but silence came for a few minutes.

 

“I do.” Bellamy said, the house he was in was the closest to the lake and the night vision scope in his own rifle allowed him to see better than the rest. “There are 4 figures lying down a top of the hill with rifles of their own. They aren’t moving, just watching. I could try to shoot them down.”

 

“Don’t, you will give away your position. If you can see them in the dark they probably can do the same, they just aren’t shooting because we are inside and they would be wasting their ammunition, they need clear targets.” Lexa said. “Just watch them, if they intend to raid the village they will have to come down the hill and cross the frozen lake.”

 

“Copy that.”

 

“What are we going to do now?” Octavia asked, looking at Lexa expectantly. 

 

“We didn’t come prepared to fight against guns, we must figure another way to fight back without just putting ourselves out there and basically committing suicide.” Clarke said. 

 

“How bulletproof is the skaikru vehicle?” Lexa asked, turning her head to look at Clarke.

 

“It might hold but the dashboard and windows may shatter on impact. I don’t know if they are bullet proof, but it is supposed to be a military vehicle so maybe it will hold.”

 

“We could use it as distraction then, draw their fire towards the vehicle so that Bellamy may be able to shoot some of the shooters.” Lexa said.

 

“As soon as he does they will turn on him anyway, we need someone else to have eyes on the hill, so at least we have 2 against 4, Bellamy won’t be able to do it on its own.” The blonde said, she knew that Bellamy was the closest to the attackers and she didn’t want him to end up dead.

 

“And it has to be a good shooter, it has to be Miller. He is not too far from Bellamy either” Octavia said and Lexa took the radio from her hand.

 

“Team 3 this is the Commander and this are your orders. Miller, your mission is to make it to Team 2’s position and help Bellamy eliminate the shooters. The 2 gona with you must cover your back and make sure you make it there in one piece, understood?”

 

“Yes, Commander.”

 

It was only moments later when they heard rapid gunfire and then silence. They all waited while holding their breath. Octavia watched the Commander, she was completely calm, her shoulders barely tense as she waited. 

 

“Team 1, this is Team 2, Miller made it here, but the 2 gona that covered him have been eliminated.” Bellamy’s grave voice came through the radio.

 

“We will create a distraction and as soon as we do you and Miller must take out the shooters, understood? To do this you must make your way to the chief’s house, there are some walls made of stone that will protect you better from the bullets. Move only when the attackers start shooting the rover”

 

“Yes, Commander. Miller and I are in position.”

 

“The Rover is parked right behind us and none of your gona can drive it, it has to be one of us.” Clarke said, glancing at Octavia before moving her eyes back to Lexa.

 

“Octavia, go.” The Commander said, the omega nodded and stood up, trying to make as little noise as possible as she made it to the back of the cabin and then outside, getting inside the Rover and turning it on.

 

Soon the vehicle was rushing away from their position and rapid gunfire followed.

 

………..

 

Octavia knew that at least 2 of the shooters had been taken out, she noticed as soon as the rain of bullets somewhat slowed. Thankfully the windows had held against the bullets, though she knew they would shatter, the cracks expanded all over the glass like spider webs.

 

She didn’t have orders for when her distraction became ineffective so with her heart beating fast she turned back around and her eyes widened.

 

A flood of Nomads dressed in white were rapidly descending the hill, some would be killed by arrows of the gona that had been able to relocate to a better position to shoot and some by the Skaikru soldiers that had guns of their own. She knew that while there was a shooter a top of the hill they wouldn’t have a fighting chance, their position was just too good, high and with view of everything.

 

While the shooter was distracted trying to take out Bellamy and Miller who were shooting back, the rest of the gonas under the Commander’s banner ran towards the frozen lake to fight the Nomads coming at them, their goal was to keep them from entering the village and killing the people or taking their supplies. And while being so close the shooter up the hill couldn’t attack them without risking hitting one of their own. Octavia could see that Clarke and Lexa were fighting on the lake, right besides the gona and the shooter couldn’t even glance at them because Bellamy and Miller wouldn’t let up with their attack on him. If he so much as even moved or moved his eyes away from them he would die.

 

Still they were losing, simply because they were outnumbered, their gona were dropping dead all around and the Nomads were starting to run to try and cross the lake. Octavia needed to do something before they reached the village.

 

She opened the door of the Rover and circled the lake screaming as loudly as she could.

 

“WE ARE LOSING! RETREAT! RUN AWAY FROM THE LAKE AS FAST AS YOU CAN! RETREAT!” 

 

With her sword buried in a man’s chest the Commander looked up, she knew by the look in Octavia’s eyes that she had a plan.

 

“DO AS SHE SAYS!” The Commander shouted and her remaining gona looked at each other briefly before running out of the lake as fast as they could.

Octavia waited by the edge of the lake, watching the gona jump into the back of the rover to find a source of protection.

 

“O, what the fuck is going on? Are we really retreating? they will masacre the village if we go.” Came Bellamy’s voice through the radio.

 

“Whatever you do, do not let the sniper shoot at anything, keep him cornered, you will see what’s going on soon enough.”

 

“Octavia, what the hell?” Clarke said as she ran towards her, sounding winded and exhausted. The omega could see her friend was hurt and decided to say nothing.

 

Almost everyone had made it across the lake, some of the Nomads laughed and celebrated, some finished killing the gonas that didn’t make it to the other side. Some were fighting the Commander of the blood, keeping her from crossing the lake. Octavia’s heart beat hard in her chest, the Nomads were starting to advance towards the village and she couldn’t let that happen.

 

“I got to go help her.” Clarke said, even if she could barely walk properly herself. Octavia kicked her on the back, sending the blonde crashing forwards and into the snow.

 

Octavia met the Commander’s eyes, she saw the Commander give her a small nod. She saw the victorious Nomads run towards them, towards the village. She saw the Commander fight as best as she could, to try and survive the unrelenting attack of the Nomads around her. She heard the unrelenting shooting above her head as Miller and Bellamy shot at the attacker lying over the hill, keeping him cornered from their safe position in one of the houses.

 

She saw that they would lose, so while some of the Nomads were still running across the lake and while some others fought the Commander, Octavia took two grenades from her bag and threw them as hard as she could.

 

Time seemed to drag, to crawl, as Octavia watched both grenades hit the surface of the lake, frozen solid, covered in snow on one of the coldest night of winter. It took only a few seconds for them to blow, only a few seconds for the bodies of the Nomads who were closest to the bombs to disintegrate in a cloud of blood and dismembered limbs, only a few seconds for the ice to crack and burst, making the whole surface of the lake cave in as the freezing water underneath swallowed the dead bodies and all of those who hadn’t been killed in the explosion.

 

“LEXA!” 

 

The scream that tore out of Clarke’s throat threatened to make Octavia’s heart stop with sorrow.

 

“LEXA!” Clarke screamed again, her face red, her injuries numb, her eyes completely soaked with tears as she watched the water of the lake calm after the explosion, chunks of ice and body parts floating slowly here and there.

 

“WHAT DID YOU DO? WHAT DID YOU DO?” Clarke screamed as she grabbed Octavia by the front of her jacket and threw her to the floor.

 

Octavia didn’t say anything, she knew nothing would help. She let Clarke scream and shout and only dared to stand back up when the blonde fell to her knees by the edge of the lake, holding her head in her hands as she sobbed.

 

Octavia watched the lake silently, feeling numb, the echoing sound of the explosion and Clarke’s screams echoing in her head.

 

“Clarke, the back up is almost there, you guys hold on. They are almost there.” Came Raven’s voice from the radio hanging from Clarke’s belt. Octavia felt herself shiver. She thought about Raven and Sirius, the little boy that would grow up with only one parent. “Clarke? Clarke? Abby, they aren’t answering.” The woman gave some sort of response but it was too distorted for Octavia to hear it.

 

Finally the blonde reached for the radio, her hands shaking.

 

“Rae, everything is going to be okay.” Clarke said, sounding like she had been crying and not even trying to hide it. “I am going to make sure of that, I promise. Sirius and you, you are going to be okay.”

 

“Clarke, why are you saying that? Where is Lexa? Put her on the radio right now please.” Raven said, and Octavia could feel her panic in her veins. “Clarke?”

 

“Clarke.” Octavia said suddenly, seeing something in the water. “Is that-”

 

“Her sash.” 

 

A moment later they were running as fast as they could towards the edge of the lake closest to where the sash had resurfaced, small bubbles were disturbing the calm surface, it meant that someone that had gone under was letting all the air in their lungs go.

 

Octavia grabbed Clarke’s arm before the blonde could throw herself head first into the water.

 

“You do not know how to swim, just wait here.” Octavia said as she took off the heaviest parts of her armor. She braced herself for the cold and jumped in.

 

The water shocked her like nothing before, thousands of icy needles penetrated her skin at once and for a second Octavia couldn’t think. She tried to clear her head and swam downwards as fast as she could, grabbing a flashlight from her belt and turning it on when she noticed that her eyes were open and she still could see nothing.

 

She swam and swam for what seemed like ages, her lungs were burning with the strain and dark spots were swimming in her vision when she saw her. It was Commander Lexa, floating in the darkness of the depths of the lake, eyes closed and chest still. Octavia reached for her and curled and arm around her middle, swimming upwards as fast as she could.

 

The bite of cold air was almost as bad as the shock of the water. She gasped for air and felt the Commander’s head fall limply against her shoulder. She swam as fast as she could to the edge and the Commander’s body was quickly taken away from her. Bellamy reached for her arms and pulled her out of the water wrapping her in warm furs as he tried his best to give her some heat, Octavia had never felt so cold in her life.

 

“The shooter?”

 

“He left after the explosion, disappeared. Miller and Brian are still keeping an eye out, but we really think he isn’t there anymore.” Bellamy said and Octavia nodded, turning her head to the side to see Clarke haunched over the Commander’s body, tilting her head back gently and leaning down to press their lips together as she breathed for the Commander.

 

Octavia watched silently as Clarke pushed down quickly and strongly on the Commander’s chest, willing her to breathe again. She watched as the blonde grew more desperate with every chest compression that she applied, she watched as she cried and begged and pleaded for the Commander to breathe again.

 

Octavia didn’t notice then, but in her mind she was begging for the exact same. The small group of warriors that remained were all standing, leaning on the rover for support as they watched Clarke try to bring their Heda back. They looked somber and hopeless, Octavia guessed that was exactly what Clarke felt, only in levels the gonas couldn’t even begin to understand.

 

But then, just as Clarke leaned down to breathe for the Commander once again, the alpha’s chest seemed to convulse, her body lurching up as she started to cough up water.

 

Clarke let out a sound, a mix between a sob and a laugh and gently rolled the Commander onto her side so she could cough up all the water in her lungs. The blonde was always mindful of the Commander’s injuries, a shard from the grenade was logged on her side and another was buried deeply in her thigh, plus all the other non fatal injuries she had gotten while fighting the Nomads.

 

“Clarke.” The Commander croaked out, eyes barely open as she stared up at the blonde.

 

“I am here love, you are going to be just fine. I am going to make sure of that, okay?” the blonde whispered, leaning down to tuck wet strands of her behind Lexa’s tiny ear. The Commander seemed too weak to say anything else, eyes closing as she gave the blonde a short nod.

 

“Lincoln!” Clarke called and the man moved away from Octavia’s side, leaving her with her brother as he moved to Clarke’s side and gently picked Lexa up from  the cold floor, taking her quickly to the nearest cabin. The family that lived there was quick to round up all the supplies they had for their Heda. 

 

Lincoln laid Lexa down on a cot and soon after Clarke kicked them all out.

 

………………

 

Lexa was blue, nails, fingers, limbs, lips. All of it blue, Clarke couldn’t take her clothes off fast enough, she knew she needed to warm her up as quickly as possible.

 

“Stay awake for me. Don’t fall asleep.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s cheek and leaning down to brush her lips against the Commander’s forehead.

 

The Commander didn’t say anything, she couldn’t, but she kept her eyes open.

 

Clarke had to cut most of her pants and armor off so she wouldn’t mess with the shards protruding out of the Commander’s body. She bandaged and secured them as best as she could, knowing taking them out would be a risk. She then took most of her clothes off and climbed into bed next to Lexa, carefully wrapping her body around the Commander’s to warm her up faster and pulling the furs over their bodies for good measure.

 

“Clarke… I am tired.” Lexa whispered, her eyes were unbearably heavy, the blonde pressed soft kisses over her cheeks, noticing right away the trail of blood dripping down one of Lexa’s ears.

 

“Just a little bit longer, love.”

 

Lexa was doing her best, but her ears were ringing, her limbs felt heavy and there was pain pulsing on the back of her eyes.

 

“Ai hod yu in, Klark.” She rasped out, her head lolling limply towards Clarke as she fell unconscious.

 

The blonde checked her all over, her breathing, her pulse, her wounds. She knew that for the time being her temperature was the most worrying thing and she knew that anything else, including her other wounds could wait. Still, she couldn’t wait for the back up team to get to them, Clarke hadn’t felt it before maybe because of the adrenaline but she felt weak and her sight was constantly going out of focus, she was bleeding from somewhere and she was afraid she would pass out and that there would be no one there to make sure Lexa was okay.

 

Her thoughts were halted as her mother and two nurses came inside the cabin.

 

“Clarke!” Abby said, rushing towards the cot and reaching her arms out for her daughter.

 

“Mom, you need to check on her, she is really cold. I had to give her CPR because she wasn’t breathing.” Clarke rattled off, ignoring her mother’s attempts to reach her.

 

Abby knew her daughter wouldn’t let her get her hands on her until she checked on the Commander, so she relented and looked at the alpha.

 

Her skin was icy to the touch, her breathing and heartbeat were both slow and she had lost all color. Abby hooked her up to some fluids, she put a mask of warm oxygen around her nose and mouth and then put on her gloves to prod the skin around the shards sticking out of her.

 

“The one in her thigh is just buried in muscle, she will have a limp for a while but she will be otherwise fine.” Abby said as she widened the wound gently with her scalpel to be able to take the shard out safely. Blood quickly bubbled out, but it wasn’t an alarming amount. Abby quickly covered it with gauze and asked one of the nurses to hold it there and put pressure while she checked the one in the Commander’s side. “There’s not too much swelling around the wound so she is not bleeding too much internally, but I still would prefer to get some tests done before taking it out.” She said securing the shard in place so it wouldn’t move and then moving to the Commander’s thigh, the wound was harmless but deep so it took sometime for the doctor to finish all the stitching.

 

“Is she going to be okay?” Clarke asked, looking paler by the minute. 

 

“I am worried about her body temperature and about her ear, we need to warm her up slowly if we don’t want her to go into shock so why don’t you let me check you over while the nurses dry her further and wrap her up in blankets, it is all we can do here. We will be able to warm her better once we are at the mountain.” Abby said, watching in Clarke’s face that she didn’t seem happy with the prospect of moving away from the Commander. “You are pale Clarke and there is blood pouring out of your arm in alarming amounts, if you don’t let me treat that soon you will faint and you won’t be able to keep an eye on the Commander.”

 

It pained her deeply, but the blonde knew deep down that her mother was right. She noticed then that the blood smearing all over Lexa’s abdomen didn’t belong to the Commander, it was hers. In the low light her blood looked almost as dark as Lexa’s and the blonde had assumed it was coming from the wound on Lexa’s side.

 

In her state of almost complete undress the blonde stood from the cot, wobbling on her feet until her mother steadied her and sat her down on a near chair. Abby’s eyes widened at the sight of her daughter’s body, bruised and bleeding from wounds that spread all over her skin. The only serious one seemed to be a long jagged cut on Clarke’s forearm, it was deep and bleeding heavily. Abby knew that Clarke had lost more blood than anyone should, she stuck a needle in Clarke’s arm to give her a transfusion and then cleaned the wound on her arm, preparing herself to stitch it, knowing by the depth of it that it would take some time.

 

“You could have bled out from this wound alone.” Abby said, and Clarke, who had kept her eyes on Lexa at all times didn’t hear a word.

 

“Lexa might need this blood.” Clarke said, watching as the Commander’s wrapped form lay on the cot. The nurses had done a good job, the only visible part of Lexa was her face and the fraction of her side where the shard was.

 

“I brought more, for you both and for the warriors that might need it. Those who are still alive are being checked by the healer of the village and his apprentice, and also by two of my other nurses. From what I saw not many of them made it, so maybe we will be able to fit them all in one rover while we move you and the Commander on the other one. The ones who are healthier will remain here for the time being.” Abby said and Clarke nodded.

 

“Are Bellamy and Miller okay? The gun fire was mostly settled on them.”

 

“I do not know the details, but apparently during the fight they moved from one of the wooden huts to a bigger house with walls made of solid stone, it belongs to the chief of the village if I am not wrong. They are wounded but they are mostly just graces.”

 

“How the hell did grounders get their hands on guns?” Clarke said out loud, not really speaking to her mother. Her eyes were still on Lexa, she couldn’t stop seeing the explosion and then nothing, how everyone had gone under.

 

They had known all along that the fight would take place on the frozen surface of the lake, their goal had always been to keep the Nomads from entering the village and right before the village there was the lake. They had known the fight would take place there, the Nomads had probably known so too, and they both had counted on the resistance of the ice, so thick and so steady, basically rock considering the time of the year. The ice was not supposed to crack, but with the explosion of 2 grenades… 

 

Abby had probably answered something but the blonde didn’t hear a word. She could only watch the grenades hitting the snowy surface of the lake before detonating, she could only see how Lexa had just vanished in front of her eyes.

 

“Clarke.” Abby said gently, she had finished her daughter’s stitches and she had bandaged the wound. “We are ready to go.”

 

Clarke put on her clothes quickly and her mother draped a blanket over her shoulders. Then, a few members of the back up team gently loaded the Commander into the rover, Clarke and Abby getting in with her along with Bellamy and Miller. Moments later they were rushing back to the Mountain.

 

………………….

 

“I am sure this can’t be good for the baby, or for your leg.” Monty said as he watched Raven pace in front of the doors. The injured would come through those doors. Lexa and Clarke would come through those doors.

 

Raven had been wanting to vomit since Clarke reached her through the radio, especially because the blonde hadn’t contacted her again.

 

“If you say anything like that again I’ll be sure to puke on you next time I get nauseous.” Raven said. Monty put his hands up in surrender.

 

A few more minutes passed and Monty was about to try to make the Mechanic sit down again when the doors opened.

 

In came the Commander, lying on a gurney that was being pushed by two nurses. Clarke and Abby came in right behind it.

 

Raven felt all the blood rush right out of her face, her stomach felt suddenly hollow. She couldn’t breathe.

 

“Lexa.” She gasped. The only thing she could see was the shard sticking out of her side.

 

“Raven.” Clarke said, moving towards the omega’s side and putting a hand on her arm. “She is okay, my mother has it under control, I promise.”

 

Raven felt her lungs expand with oxygen, she knew that if Lexa was in danger Clarke would be much more upset. She nodded quickly and followed after the gurney as it was pushed towards the medical bay.

 

Soon after they got there the Commander had to be taken to some test and Raven lost sight of her. 

 

“I promise she is going to be okay.” Clarke whispered and Raven turned to look at her.

 

“I believe you.” the omega said, moving closer to the blonde to give her a gentle hug. “Why don’t you sit down? You don’t look much better than her.” Raven said, pushing Clarke to lay down on the nearest bed and sitting down next to her on a chair.

 

One of the nurses that had been with Abby came out to tell them that the doctor had everything she needed to take out the shard sticking out ot Lexa’s side and that in the meantime she had orders to take care of Clarke’s other injuries. Raven stayed close to the blonde, sitting just beside her bed as the the nurse took care of her.

 

“Maybe it wasn’t such a good idea for you to go with her.” Raven commented once the nurse finished with Clarke. 

 

“Why?” The blonde asked, looking back at Raven with a frown.

 

“Well you obviously aren’t good at fighting.” Raven said with a small smile and shrug. Clarke rolled her eyes, but there was no animosity in the gesture.

 

“Lexa is the best fighter and she is still hurt.”

 

“She is.” Raven said. “But not from fighting, I saw her injuries and I know they come from the grenades, so why was she close to one of those to begin with?”

 

“She wasn’t.” Clarke said, knowing that Raven wouldn’t take well what she was going to say. “Between the border and the village there was a lake, we knew the Nomads would have to cross it to reach the village and so we knew the fight would probably happen over it’s surface. At this time of winter the lake it’s frozen solid so we knew we could fight on it without risk of going under. But there were shooters, 4 of them, they shot many of our warriors even before the real fight started, so when it did we were awfully outnumbered. We were losing so Octavia told us to retreat, Lexa backed her, but she was fighting many of them at once and couldn’t get to us. She would have won the fight eventually, but the Nomads were advancing towards the village, so before they could step out of the lake’s surface Octavia threw 2 grenades, the ice broke because of the explosion and they all went under, including Lexa.”

 

Clarke watched Raven’s face eyebrows twitch and her jaw clench.

 

“Octavia did what?” Raven asked, and before Clarke could answer Abby came towards them pushing a gurney in which Lexa was lying on.

 

The Commander was still pretty much covered from head to toe, an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth and a needle stuck to the crook of her elbow. But she was awake.

 

Both Clarke and Raven were by her side in an instant, one on each side of the bed. Lexa’s eyes moved from one to the other slowly and a smile pulled at the corners of her lips under the oxygen mask.

 

“Hey, Robot.” Raven whispered, leaning down to press her lips on Lexa’s forehead. “You just had to get hurt, didn’t you?”

 

“I enjoy swimming.” Lexa said, her voice muffled by the oxygen mask. Clarke smiled as she caressed Lexa’s hair while Raven rolled her eyes.

 

“How is she doing?” The Mechanic asked, moving her eyes to Abby.

 

“She is going to be fine, none of her injuries were fatal, thankfully the shards didn’t hit anything vital, so the wounds were deep but they weren’t a threat to her life. What worries us more is the hypothermia, but we have already taken all the necessary precautions, she should regain a healthy temperature soon enough. Also, I believe she will have partial hearing loss in one ear for some time, there is a tear in her eardrum caused by acoustic trauma, and until it heals she might not hear as well as usual. We have her on pain medication and antibiotics to prevent infections, but knowing her I am sure she will be on her feet in no time.” Abby said, nodding at them both before giving them some space.

 

“You are going to be just fine.” Clarke whispered to Lexa, leaning down to lean her head gently against the Commander’s and smiling when she felt Lexa do the same.

 

Raven was about to tease the Commander about her inability to remain unharmed for more than five seconds when someone entered the medical bay.

 

“I just came to see how she’s doing.” Octavia said.

 

Clarke tensed and Raven’s face went red.

 

The Mechanic walked towards the other omega, feeling completely enraged, and before Octavia could get another word out Raven was closing her hand into a fist and hitting her friend as hard as she could.

 

Octavia felt to the ground with the unexpected hit, her nose bleeding profusely. Raven cursed, holding onto her hand and at the same time feeling damn good about what she had just done. 

 

Standing by Lexa’s bed was Clarke, her jaw had gone slack as she watched the scene with wide eyes.

 

“Why don’t you think about  **that** next time you think about throwing bombs at my wife, you asshole!” Raven said, referring to the punch she had just given the omega and turning away from Octavia before walking back to Lexa’s side. Clarke was still looking at her with shock all over her face. “She deserved more than a punch.”

 

“I know. I wanted to kill her when I saw her throw those grenades, but I know that I couldn’t. I have been holding back ever since, so seeing you do that made me feel a little bit better.” Clarke whispered, hoping that Lexa wasn’t listening, she hadn’t noticed what had happened as she was on her way to falling asleep. The blonde took Raven’s hand and examined her knuckles. “You will need a little bit of ice, but in the meantime…” Clarke said, trailing off as she brought Raven’s hand to her lips. “There, all better.”

 

“Thanks, Princess.” Raven said with a smile. “I am sure Lexa will appreciate you kissing her all over to make her better.” The Mechanic wiggled her eyebrows and Clarke sighed, not at all surprised by the inappropriate comment.

 

From over Raven’s shoulder, Clarke watched as a nurse helped Octavia with her bleeding nose and looked away. The last thing she wanted was to lay eyes on the omega.

 

Raven leaned down and cupped Lexa’s cheek, the alpha’s half closed eyes widened a little to look at her.

 

“When you are better you need to teach me how to throw a proper punch, yes?” Raven asked and Lexa gave her a faint tilt of her head as a nod. “Good, now sleep. We will be here when you wake up, right Clarke?”

 

“Of course.” The blonde said, her blue gaze locked with hazy green. The Commander’s eyes closed and she sighed.

 

“You need to lay down too, Princess.” Raven said and Clarke made a face of clear disapproval. “Don’t make me knock you out.”

 

“Okay, okay.” Clarke said, laying down on the bed right next to Lexa’s and letting out a quiet moan, she was so sore. Her mom had given her pain killers, but they could only help so much. “You wake me if she wakes up, yes?”

 

“Sure, just sleep.” Raven said, moving her chair to the other side of Lexa’s bed, sitting down between both alphas.

 

…………..

 

When Lexa woke up Raven and Clarke were both asleep. The omega was sleeping on a chair and the alpha on her own hospital bed. Lexa reached up to take off the oxygen mask, breathing in deeply once she did.

 

“I don’t think you should be doing that.” Octavia said quietly, she had been standing by the bed, Lexa just hadn’t seen her, or heard her, she couldn’t really hear much from that ear. “I came to apologize for what I did to you.”

 

“For almost killing me?” Lexa asked, her voice hoarse with sleep, her throat hurting after having cough up all that water.

 

“Yeah.” Octavia said, looking down at her feet.

 

“You should be proud of yourself.” Lexa said, and Octavia looked up, her eyes wide. “I know I am proud of you.”

 

“What?” Octavia said, she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

 

“You are not just anyone’s Second, Octavia. You are the Commander’s Second, which means that your duty is the same as mine.” Lexa said, and realization dawned on the omega heavily.

 

“The people come first.” Octavia whispered and Lexa nodded.

 

“Yes. I always knew why Indra chose you, because you are driven, persistent, passionate and you have this need to prove yourself. You would have made a fine warrior and even a good general under her tutelage, but when you asked me to train you I was unsure, do you know why?” Lexa asked and Octavia shrugged her shoulders.

 

“Because there are probably better choices?” Octavia said, not really sure about what she was saying.

 

“No.” Lexa said. “Because I saw how you reacted after you found out about TonDC, because I know that your hate towards me comes from the decision I made that day, and the one that I made at the Mountain. Because I thought you didn’t understand sacrifice.” The Commander said and Octavia swallowed hard. “Both times I made the best decision for my people, but you didn’t understand that. However, tonight you had to be the one to decide and you made the right choice, you sacrificed me for the sake of saving the village. You put our people first even though you knew that you would hurt your friends, Clarke and Raven, your loved ones. You knew you would hurt them and that if I had died they probably wouldn’t have forgiven you and you did it anyway…” Lexa let her words hand in the air, her eyes bright and proud as she looked directly into Octavia’s eyes. “You made the right choice, you did what I would have done, what a Commander would have done. You know that the wellbeing of the people comes first, even before the Commander’s life. And I am sure that if you didn’t understand sacrifice before you understand it now, and maybe you will even start to understand the logic behind my decisions. I do not want you to apologize to anyone for what you did, understood?”

 

“Yes, Heda.” Octavia said, her heart beating fast, she didn’t know how to feel.

 

“Good. Now, bringing me my knife from my belongings.” The Commander said, and Octavia did as told at once.

 

What was left of the Commander’s shredded armor and her weapons were placed on a chair near the bed. Octavia took the knife, it was carefully covered by it’s sheath so the only part of it she could see was the handle. Octavia had never had the chance to look at it up close, and when she got the chance to do so she thought it was quite beautiful, crafted by the best. She offered it to the Commander, but the woman denied. Octavia looked at her with confusion.

 

“I want you take it, to keep it for yourself.” Lexa said. “My own First gave it to me when she found me worthy of being her Second, and now that I find you worthy of being mine I give it to you.”

 

Octavia did her best so her jaw wouldn’t fall to the floor. She looked down at the knife in her hands and then looked up at the Commander.

 

“I promise I will always do my best so you never change your mind about me.” Octavia said and the Commander gave her a court nod.

 

“You may leave, and remember, you made the right choice and you have nothing to apologize for.”

 

“Sha, Heda.” Octavia said, giving the Commander one last look before leaving.

 

When Octavia got to her room she sat down on her bed and stared at the knife in her hands. Her heart was still racing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Abby won't be an ass forever. Next chapter there will be new developments in regards of what happened to Lexa's mother. I truly hope I am not boring you to death, and like always I will leave my tumblr below in case you want to chat or something.
> 
> https://siriusandhalley.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

“Is it wrong of me to like her like this?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Raven curled on her side, grabbing the furs with one hand and pulling them up until they were gently tucked beneath Lexa’s chin. She knew the Commander’s temperature was back to normal, that she had been under for a relatively short time, but to her the alpha still looked way too pale.

 

Raven smoothed the creases on the fur and looked down at Lexa’s sleeping face. There were bruises here and there, her lips were gently opened and letting out warm breaths, and there was just a little bit of darkness under her eyes. To Raven the Commander’s lips were just not as pink as usual and that lead the omega to wonder when exactly had she memorized, or taken the time to notice the exact shade of pink the Commander’s lips usually sported.

 

“When she is hurt she gets to stay in bed and do nothing, she gets to stay with us. I mean, I hate that she is hurt but I can't help but be glad she’s resting, she is always so damn busy.” Raven said, making a face when she heard her own thoughts out loud. “I’m so insane.”

 

“No.” Clarke said from her place on Lexa’s other side. She couldn’t really lay on her side at the moment so she settled on turning her head to the side, she couldn’t see Raven, but the blonde hoped the motion would at least make the omega feel like she was listening. “I get it.”

 

“You do?”

 

“Yes, we are always too stressed, especially her. At least right now she won’t have to deal with the Chiefs.” Clarke said, groaning as she pushed herself to a sitting position on the bed. The blonde leaned down to press a kiss to the Commander’s forehead, her ribs protesting all the while until she straightened again. She tried to be careful, but still when she pulled her hand out of Lexa’s hold, the Commander’s eyelashes fluttered and hazy green eyes peeked out from under heavy lids.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa rasped out, her hand blindly searching for the blonde’s until Clarke grabbed it and gave it a soft squeeze.

 

“I am right here Heda, I’ll just be gone for a little while.” Clarke whispered, brushing her lips over Lexa’s forehead again. The instant frown on the Commander’s brow didn’t leave, her eyes just opened wider.

 

“Why?” The Commander asked and Clarke shared a glance with the omega, they both knew that Lexa would want to go to the meeting with the Chiefs if she heard about it.

 

“I need to stretch my legs.” Clarke said and the frown on Lexa’s face deepened, her hold on Clarke’s hand getting impossibly tighter.

“You are hurt, you need rest.” Lexa said seriously, tugging on Clarke’s hand so she would lie down again.

 

“Don’t worry, I am okay.” Clarke said. She was lying and she knew that if Lexa wasn’t so medicated she would have noticed. Clarke was weak from blood loss and sore from the hits she had taken during the fight.

 

“No, you are not.” Lexa said and Raven looked at Clarke with arched eyebrows, she knew that Lexa wouldn’t let it go.

 

“I promise I won’t take long, I will just take a look around, see how our gona are doing. I will be back really soon; you won’t even notice I left.” Clarke said, giving her wife a tentative smile.

 

“You leaving woke me up, Clarke.” Lexa said, giving the blonde a non-impressed look. “Of course I will notice, how could I not?”

 

Raven covered her mouth with her hand to cover her smile, Lexa’s little argument with Clarke was just too amusing.

 

The blonde glared at her, mouthing the words “help me!” at the omega.

 

“I’ll be checking the time, if she is taking too long I’ll send someone to bring her back.” Raven offered and Lexa’s eyes moved slowly to reach her face.

 

“Do you swear it, Wife?”

 

“I do.” Raven said, nodding firmly and only then did Lexa let go of Clarke’s hand.

 

“I will be waiting for you, Wife.” Lexa told Clarke, the blonde nodded and leaned down to place a chaste and sweet kiss to the Commander’s lips.

 

Clarke left with Ash trailing after her and Bouda took the chance to jump onto the bed and lie next to Lexa, the massive form of the wolf radiating heat to the other occupants of the bed. Vulcan whined by Raven’s side of the bed, the omega kept him from jumping on, he just wouldn’t fit.

 

Raven was lying on her side, her head propped up on her hand as she looked down at Lexa. The Commander’s head lolled towards her slowly, her eyes just a little bit glazed, she smiled up at the omega and Raven felt her chest tighten.

 

“Were you scared?” Raven asked quietly as she tucked a loose strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s tiny ear. A small furrow formed between Lexa’s eyes.

 

“Scared?”

 

“Yeah, when you saw what Octavia was doing, when you realized that you wouldn’t make it out of the ice.” Raven said and Lexa let out a little sigh.

 

“No, I wasn’t scared.”

 

“You weren’t afraid of leaving Clarke and I behind?” Raven asked, feeling more than a little upset. “Weren’t you afraid of not getting to meet Sirius?”

 

“I trust Clarke, I know she will keep you both safe if it ever comes to that, she is strong and every day she gets stronger. And you Raven, you don’t even need protection, I know you can take care of yourself and of our son. You don’t need me and Clarke doesn’t need me, so no, I was not afraid.” Lexa said.

 

Raven felt emotions she couldn’t even begin to describe and reached to cup Lexa’s jaw as she pressed their foreheads together.

 

“If you weren’t hurt already, I would hit you.” Raven whispered. “Clarke and I may not need you for safety, but we need you for other things. And Sirius, Sirius will need you for everything, who is going to teach him all the grounder stuff?”

 

“He wouldn’t need to know about me. He won’t have any attachment to someone who wasn’t there to see him grow.”

 

Raven pulled back with a heavy sigh as she looked down at Lexa.

 

“I thought you were starting to care about your life.” Raven said, her disappointment blatantly clear in her tone.

 

“Do not mistake my lack of fear for lack of care, Raven.” Lexa said, moving a hand from under the blankets to take Raven’s. “There is nothing that I want more than to spend my life with you and Clarke, watching our children grow up. It is the only thing I want for myself, but I know my role may not allow that and that is why my certainty of your and Clarke’s ability to keep yourselves safe gives me peace. If I believed you to be completely defenseless I wouldn’t have a moment to rest Raven, I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night, I wouldn’t be able to stay calm.” Lexa said, staying quiet for a second as she regarded Raven’s expression. The omega looked both sad and concerned.

 

“I was really scared.” Raven admitted. “I felt sick to my stomach when Clarke reached out to tell us the Nomads had brought guns into the fight, because I knew you weren’t prepared for that. I also know how getting shot feels like and it fucking sucks, and I felt so sick just being here waiting for someone to tell me that you had been hurt…” Raven trailed off, breathing in shakily.

 

“Raven…” Lexa whispered, trying to push herself up.

 

“No, just listen to me.” Raven said, placing a hand on the center of Lexa’s chest and then pushing her back down. “We both know that I don’t love you the way Clarke does, she’s like crazy in love with you and we just aren’t there yet. But I feel like we could be there at some point in the future, because I am feeling things, a lot of things and sometimes I don’t know what to do with it, but I do know that I don’t want you to be in pain…” Raven looked away for a moment, feeling frustrated at her own inability to put her feelings into words. “I don’t want you to go, I want you to stay here with me, with us. I want us to have time to see where we go. I want to know you and I want you to know me.”

 

“I promise I will do my best to stay, I will always try as hard as I can to come back to you. Always.” Lexa whispered and Raven knew there wasn’t much more the Commander could give her, Lexa was many things, but she wasn’t a liar.

 

“Okay, I am going to kiss you now.” Raven said, watching Lexa’s lips pull up at the corners as she leaned down to connect their lips.

 

………………..

 

It was night time, but it wasn’t late. Clarke had come back to her room to find that Lexa was on her own because Raven had decided to go and eat in the dining hall. The meeting had been long and exhausting, taking almost all the afternoon and leaving the blonde completely worn.

 

She took off her jacket and laid down next to Lexa, making sure she was okay before allowing herself to close her eyes.

 

She felt like she had just closed her eyes when she felt something hit her already sore ribs, she groaned lowly and opened her eyes to see Lexa lying stiffly on the bed, eyes wide and breathing labored.

 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Clarke whispered, shushing quietly as she pushed a few loose strands of hair out of the Commander’s face.

 

“Clarke.” The Commander whispered, looking at her with green eyes wide and displaying a shocked expression like she couldn’t believe the blonde was really there.

 

“Hey love, that was a pretty awful dream, wasn’t it?” Clarke asked as she propped herself up with her elbow and gently caressed the Commander’s cheek. Small droplets of sweat were trailing down Lexa's temple and getting caught on Clarke’s skin.

 

The Commander took Clarke’s hand and pressed it to her lips, kissing each and every one of the blonde’s knuckles before speaking.

 

“I know my wounds are very recent and should not get wet, but I wish to bathe.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded.

“Let me just wrap them up and get the bath ready.” Clarke said, wincing a little as she stood up. She got a plastic bag and tape and with them she covered Lexa’s wounds to make sure no water would go through.

 

She then got the bath ready, making sure the water was nice and warm. After that she came for Lexa, helping the woman get up and feeling her ribs protesting all the while.

 

“I want you to go with me.” Lexa whispered as she tried to keep her weight off her bad leg.

 

“My body is not looking very nice right now.” Clarke said and Lexa frowned, reaching up to trace a dark bruise on Clarke’s jaw.

 

“You think the bruises make you less beautiful?” Lexa said, her eyes showing an expression of clear disbelief and confusion.

 

“Kind of, my torso looks pretty bad and I will have an awful scar on my arm.” Clarke said and Lexa’s frown deepened.

 

“Does that mean that you find my scars awful, I have them all over, my back-”

 

“No, of course not!” Clarke said at once, shaking her head and closing her eyes. “They remind me how strong you are, they tell me you suffered, but that you pulled through. In a way they give me hope and at the same time I feel sad because I would have wanted to be here and be with you, help you heal. I wish you didn’t have to go through so much. I wish I had been here to help you with that burden.”

 

“Then why would I feel anything different about your scars?” Lexa whispered, taking a step forwards to press her forehead against Clarke’s. “I love you Clarke, because you are you, I don’t care about your bruises or scars, if anything I would have liked to keep you from getting them. You are just as beautiful today as you have always been, as you will always be.”

 

“Sha?” Clarke asked and Lexa only leaned in to take her lips gently, to move her mouth against Clarke’s as softly as she could, worshipping her.

 

“Sha.” Lexa said as she pulled away and pressing a gentle kiss to Clarke’s forehead.

 

After that Lexa helped wrap up the wound on Clarke’s arm so it wouldn’t get wet. They undressed each other carefully, mindful of the wounds the other possessed and once they were completely bare they got inside the tub.

 

Lexa decided to sit down behind Clarke, refusing to put pressure on her ribs. The blonde didn’t feel any better about putting pressure on the injury on the Commander’s side, but she knew Lexa wouldn’t have it.

 

Lexa pulled Clarke closer, curling her arms around the blonde’s middle and pressing her flush against her bare chest. Clarke tried to resist, but at the end all the moving was only aggravating the pain in her chest, so she relented, letting herself slump against Lexa’s chest.

 

“You are not hurting me, I promise.” Lexa said, her eyes closed as she nosed at Clarke’s neck. Clarke sighed and let her head fall back on Lexa’s shoulder.

 

The Commander tightened her hold around Clarke’s middle and the blonde hissed.

 

“Forgive me, Clarke.” Lexa said, clutching her eyes shut as she tried to loosen her hold. The desperation in her voice told Clarke there was something wrong.

 

“Is this about your dream?”

 

“In my dream the Ice Queen had sent me your head in a box.” Lexa whispered and Clarke winced for an entire different reason.

 

“The Ice Queen is dead; she is no longer a threat to us. You made sure of that.”

 

“It is not about that, Clarke.” Lexa said, shaking her head to the side to get rid of the annoying buzzing that persisted in her ear ever since the explosion, she couldn’t really hear anything out of it and she was now constantly dizzy.

 

“Then what is it?”

 

“This morning Raven asked me if I had been afraid when I saw Octavia throw those grenades. I said no, because I was not afraid, I have never been afraid of dying. I would not like to die now that I have you and Raven and the pup, but the thought of my death does not bring me fear…”

 

“But the thought of mine does.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded her head slowly. “I fear yours too, nothing scares me more than the thought of not getting to have a life with you. I want us to die old and gray and together in a nice bed.”

 

Lexa said nothing, she didn’t have to because Clarke already knew what she was thinking.

 

“I know the lifespan of a Commander is short, I know you have already set a new record and that you might die soon, but it is the same for everyone else. We are going to die someday, maybe tomorrow or in a few years, the only thing that’s keeping me sane is that I found you and I got to marry you and that I get to sleep by your side every day, and when I wake in the morning you are always there creepily staring at me with those lovely eyes of yours. And you tell me you love me with that low, hoarse voice you only have when you are just a little tired. And you kiss me, and by now we have kissed so many times I have lost count.” Clarke said, taking a deep breath and weaving her fingers between Lexa’s above her stomach. “I think that day in the forest, when you almost died, marked me so much because I knew I loved you then and you didn’t know. I had spent months trying to hate you and you would die thinking that’s what I felt towards you, when in reality it is the exact opposite. That’s why that day will always be so painful to me, because you could have died without knowing I love you. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life. But I got another chance and I am so thankful for that. If anything happens now, I will die with the memory of our wedding, with the sight of you wearing my dad’s watch, with the sound of your voice in my ear telling me you love me. I am terrified about you being taken away from me, but how many people actually get to have what we have? how many people find the person they are meant to be with?”

 

Lexa tightened her hold around Clarke’s fingers and pressed soft kisses all over her shoulder.

 

“We found each other Lex, and that alone is so much more than what most people get.”

 

“What if having each other and having all these memories only makes losing each other much worse?” Lexa said, her voice quiet and tentative. “Before, I could live each day because I didn’t know what having you felt like, I didn’t really have anything to lose, but now I know. Now I know how loving each other feels, and to think one day I might know that but not have you to experience it is maddening.”

 

Clarke swallowed hard, a shiver shooting down her spine at Lexa’s words. She turned around, water pouring down the sides of the tub with her movement. Lexa’s emerald gaze met hers and Clarke felt her breath catch at the raw feelings displayed in the Commander’s eyes.

 

Clarke curled her arms around Lexa’s neck, looking into her eyes as she pressed a kiss to her lips.

 

“The way you make me feel now, makes all the pain I will feel if I ever lose you worth it. Your love makes me strong.” Clarke said, her hand tracing the scar that split in two the infinity symbol tattooed on the back of Lexa’s neck. “Love is not weakness.”

 

“Love is not weakness.” Lexa whispered slowly back to Clarke, the words foreign in her tongue as she leaned in to cuddle up to Clarke’s chest. The blonde let out a heavy breath, curling her arms around Lexa as she started to wash the Commander’s back.

 

All the while Clarke wondered if she actually could live up to everything she had told the Commander.

 

…………………

 

Raven woke up with the smell of alpha thick in her nose. Except it was not Lexa.

 

She pushed herself back a little and came face to face with a sleeping Clarke, they were tangled up and one of Clarke’s arms was tightly wrapped around her back.

 

Clarke’s eyes opened slowly as she felt movement and she frowned wanting to go back to sleep.

 

“Not that I am not enjoying this, but where is Lexa?” Raven asked, propping herself up to look around, Clarke opened one eye to look at her and then closed it again.

 

“Octavia came early, Robin reached out to Lexa. It sounded urgent so she needed to go talk to him, she didn’t want to wake you so she figured she would go and speak to him somewhere else.” Clarke said and Raven hummed in response.

 

“I still don’t understand how she gets up without us knowing.”

 

“I actually heard Octavia come inside. Lexa can’t really move right at the moment so I had to get up so she could make it out of the bed. You sleep like the dead so I am not surprised you didn’t notice.” Clarke said, smiling a little when Raven halfheartedly smacked her arm.

 

“Well I am sorry for not sleeping with one eye open.” Raven said and Clarke opened her eyes to look at her.

2

“I didn’t say it like a bad thing Rae, I am happy you are resting, soon the baby will move so much you won’t be able to rest properly. So you should rest as much as you can now. I am not excited to deal with cranky Raven.”

 

“Liar. We both know all versions of me are charming as hell.” Raven said, and Clarke just arched her eyebrow with a smile, incorporating herself with a grimace in her face.

 

Raven frowned in worry and put a hand behind Clarke’s back, helping her a little while she also put a bunch of pillows behind her back.

 

“Thanks, Rae.” Clarke said, eyes closed and jaw clenched tight. “Messed up ribs are the worse.”

 

“I don’t doubt it, and they are going to have a hard time healing if you are going to be spending half the day in meetings like you did yesterday.”

 

“It was either me or Lexa, and you know her ear has been bothering her a lot. She gets dizzy, loses her balance, doesn’t really hear anything. We can’t let anyone smell weakness on her.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

 

“I know, but isn’t it weakness that she isn’t showing up to the meetings?”

 

“No, remember when she told us that we were expected to take part on the leadership of the clan now that we are married to her? Me showing up to the meeting instead of her is seen as a sign of trust from Lexa to me, they believe she was taking care of more pressing matters while I told them exactly what happened that day at the lake fight. All we did was analyze what happened and try to come up with ideas of where they could have gotten the guns. I am the expert on that matter too, so it makes sense that Lexa would send me instead of going herself, as Skaikru we know more about guns than they do.” Clarke explained and Raven nodded.

 

“Did you come to any conclusions?” Raven asked. “About the guns?”

 

“The only thing we could come up with that makes sense is that they must have found another bunker, that’s where we got our guns before the Ark fell.” Clarke said, shrugging her shoulders. “It would be silly to think the one we found is the only one.”

 

“Yes but grounders believe they are cursed, even if they find them wouldn’t they be at least a bit wary about touching them?”

 

“Not any longer, they believed that if they touched a gun the Mountain Men would burn their villages, but the Mountain Men no longer exist.” Clarke said. “Without that threat they shouldn’t be so afraid to use them.”

 

“But still how would they figure out how to use them?” Raven said, looking confused as she sat up and leaned her back against the wall, her shoulder pressed to the blonde’s. “I mean even if the guns came with a manual which I doubt, they wouldn’t be able to read it, and sure they could figure out the trigger part, but what everything else? Shooting a gun requires technic, balance, practice. What about learning how to load it and how to aim?”

 

“Someone must have taught them the basics at least, even more considering they were dealing with rifles, not handguns.” Clarke agreed and Raven nodded.

 

“Exactly, but who?”

 

Raven went quiet for a second, her mind going a mile per minute, racing for answers until she noticed that exact same question could be used for another event.

 

“Who tried to blow up the Mountain?” Raven asked, turning to look at Clarke.

 

“What?” The blonde said, not quite understanding why Raven was bringing that up.

 

“We never found out who did it, who gave that Azgeda assassin the code for the self-destruct mechanism.” Raven said, eyes wide and hands moving around as she saw realization dawn upon Clarke.

 

“You think it was the same person?”

 

“It must have been, I mean, do you think it is a coincidence? Two attacks, two situations in which you and Lexa almost get killed, and what do they have in common? The knowledge of the person that planned them, someone who knows how the mountain works, someone who has knowledge on weapons.”

 

“But wait, this person was working with Queen Nia-”

 

“And now they are working with the Nomads-” Raven said, her face going pale.

 

“What if the Nomads and the Ice Nation-” Clarke tried to say but was once again cut off by Raven.

 

“But Roan wouldn’t betray Lexa, not after she saved his life, would he?” Raven asked and Clarke shook her head.

 

“I don’t know, I don’t want to believe he would do that. I don’t see any reason why he would do that, but I don’t know.”

 

“We need to talk to Lexa.” Raven said, moving to stand up. Clarke grabbed her arm carefully and pulled her back into the bed.

 

“We have to wait until she’s done with Robin, just try to stay calm okay, all of this stress is not good for Sirius.” Clarke said, putting a hand carefully on Raven’s protruding belly. The omega sighed and nodded, leaning back against the wall once again.

 

“Mmm, Raven?” Clarke asked, hesitant. The omega turned to look at her with a confused expression. Not knowing why Clarke seemed upset all of a sudden.

 

“What is it?”

 

“How is it going to be when Sirius is born?” Clarke asked, her eyes and her fingers on the place where the pup was growing.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I wouldn’t want to get in the way.” Clarke said as she looked up at Raven.

 

“You won’t be getting in the way. I’m counting on you being a part of his life, I already divided our tasks in my head and everything.” Raven said and Clarke smiled up at her.

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah. Look, I will be in feeding duty, and you and Lexa will be in diaper duty. I will cuddle him during the morning, and you and Lexa will take care of him at night. For everything else we can take turns, but it is vital for you to know that your main duty will be centered on his little butt, as I do not wish to be anywhere near his poop.” Raven said and Clarke laughed.

 

“So you only want the pretty parts of being a mom while Lexa and I do the dirty work.” Clarke said and Raven smirked.

 

“I couldn’t have said it better.” Raven said and Clarke shook her head. “I am serious, though. You will live with us and he is Lexa’s child. It would be stupid to think you won’t develop a relationship with him. You are Lexa’s wife so in a way that makes you his mother too, and that kind of is gives me some relief, you know? you surely know more about babies than Lexa and I do, I know that you even helped Abby deliver a few before you were locked up.”

 

“So you are okay with me being a parent to him too?”

 

“It would be silly for me not to be. We are tied together for life Clarke, there’s no way you aren’t going to mother him in some way, especially if he ends up being born with green eyes and beautiful curly hair atop his head.” Raven said and Clarke smiled again.

 

“I’ll still love him if he ends up with your annoying smirk.” Clarke said and Raven scoffed.

 

“You love my smirk, don’t even pretend to hate it because we both know that’s bullshit.”

 

“Thank you, Rae.” Clarke said and the omega just brushed it off naturally.

 

“Don’t mention it, we are family Clarke, and I might get a little jealous of you sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I hate your guts. You are not the worst person I could have ended up with. You are probably the most reasonable too, with Lexa being all Robot sometimes and me being so happy about bombs, you probably will be the one keeping the pup alive till adulthood.” Raven said as she caressed her belly, feeling Sirius move right under her palm.

 

“You are going to be a great mom, Rae.” Clarke said with a serious expression. “I know you have many reasons to believe you won’t, but you aren’t your mother, you are you. You are amazing and Sirius will be lucky to have the most brilliant person in the planet as his mother. You will do a great job and when you are feeling unsure, or when you don’t know what to do I am going to be there to help, and so will Lexa.” Clarke said and a moment later they heard whines coming from the side of the bed. Both Vulcan and Ash were staring at them expectantly, their tails moving from side to side. “Clearly you will have these guys too, and Bouda.”

 

Raven reached out to scratch behind Vulcan’s ear, her eyes getting a little misty.

 

“A big family, who would have thought?” Raven said, sniffing. She always thought that at some point in her life she would end up like her mother.            

 

“Come here.” Clarke whispered, bringing the omega close before she could protest. Raven didn’t put up much of a fight and ended up with her face buried in Clarke’s shoulder. “You are going to be a great mom and you are always going to have us, I promise.”

 

…………………

 

Octavia stood in the shadows watching Commander Lexa speak to Clarke and Raven. They were in their room, the biggest one in the Mountain, with so much space it allowed for a small table in which the Commander and her wives were sitting on.

 

The Commander had just come from a very difficult conversation with Robin and wanted nothing but to lay down again when both Clarke and Raven expressed that they needed to speak to her. The Commander had agreed, sitting at the head of the table with Clarke and Raven on each side of her.

 

The conversation on its own had made shivers shoot down Octavia’s spine, of course Raven would come up with something like that, of course she would be the one to see links where no one else had.

 

“There might be an alliance between the Ice Nation and the Nomads.” the Commander said once Raven and Clarke had finished talking.

 

“Either they are working together or the same man is working for them both.” Clarke said. “Queen Nia always wanted you dead, we may not have proof but we know that the assassination attempt at the cabin was her doing, she must have been trying to prevent the Union between Skaikru and Trikru, because she knew that if that happened the Mountain and the weaponry would be yours and Trikru would be the most powerful clan, so then she tried to blow the Mountain with us inside and when that didn’t work she prepared the coup. She must have been working with someone close to the high commands of the Mountain Men, someone who knows perfectly well how to use guns and that Dante trusted enough to share the codes with, it can’t be coincidence that the Nomads now know how to use our weapons, too.”

 

“Queen Nia is dead and Roan is many things, but he is a man of his word. He owes me his life but I do not believe he would betray me. No one would dare to move against us now that we have the Mountain for ourselves.” Lexa said, there were many things that didn’t add up to Raven’s theory.

 

“Maybe when the plan with the Ice Nation didn’t work the Mountain Man that gave the Queen the codes had to look for someone else to work with. We have been speaking about the Nomads for some time now, their population has grown, they need land, but they can’t fight for it because they still don’t have enough people to fight against an army, but with guns…” Octavia said, trailing off and knowing that the Commander would follow her train of thought.

 

“With guns they could do significant damage, especially now that a majority of Trikru’s army is spread around the border, protecting the villages that they usually attack during the winter.” Lexa said. “They could do the same that they did to us, kill the patrol and everyone else in sight from afar and then take the land. The only reason we made it is because we have guns of our own and explosives, but the rest of the army does not.”

 

“But what reason does the Mountain man has to do all of this?” Raven asked.

 

“Revenge.” Clarke said, her fists clenched into fists. “I killed all their people, remember?”

 

“That means that if we are right we have to assume that you are the target.” Raven said and Clarke nodded.

 

“We have to talk about this with the chiefs, with have to arm our men at the border before something like what happened to us happens again.” Lexa said, standing up and swaying a little to the side before stabilizing herself with the table.

 

“Wait.” Raven said, putting her hand on top of Lexa’s and asking her to sit down again. “I find unlikely that they attack again, after all that attack only left one of theirs standing and travelling from village to village in this weather is hell.”

 

“We can’t just assume that they won’t attack again because they took a hit, there are 4 villages close to the border that have not been attacked yet and the weather is not getting any better even if it should warmer by now. If things stay the way they are the winter will steal at least one month of the spring.” Lexa said, and Raven felt herself vibrate with panic, Lexa was going to leave again.

 

“Just listen to me for a second.” Raven insisted, squeezing Lexa’s fingers. “You need to arm the gona at the border and they will need training in how to use the guns, that will take some time so I propose that we do something else so none of you have to go there and get you asses shot.” Raven said, her eyes moving from Lexa to Clarke.

 

“You want to put landmines.” Clarke said and Raven nodded.

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“They are explosive devices concealed on the ground, they detonate under pressure, if we put them on the border, right at the spot where the Nomads would have to go through to reach the village they would go off and destroy them as soon as they step on or near them, the noise would also alert our people, telling them that someone is at the border, it would give them time to get ready.” Octavia said.

 

“You do know you are not going to hostile territory to set up explosives, right?” Clarke told Raven, stealing the words right out of Lexa’s mouth.

 

“I know, you just need to give me some time to get them ready and then I can teach Bellamy, Miller, Bryan and Monroe how to set them up. You can also send some of our army to the border, they will teach your gona how to use the guns.” Raven said and Lexa nodded, motioning Octavia to come closer and muttering a few words in her ear, after that the omega left the room and both Clarke and Raven saw something very familiar hanging from her waist.

 

“Is that your knife?” Clarke said, a little shocked.

 

“Was. Now it is hers.” Lexa said as she massaged her temples.

 

“Why?” Raven asked.

 

“Because now I know I can trust her to make the right choices.”

 

“You have to be fucking kidding me.” Raven said, feeling the anger go right to her head. “She almost kills you and you reward her, are you insane?”

 

“The lives of an entire village are worth more than mine, so yes, I am rewarding her. We were losing, elders, women and children were about to be slaughtered and she stopped that from happening by sacrificing only one person. She made the right choice, I understand why you can’t see that, but do not try to make me think differently about it.” Lexa said and right then Octavia came back.

 

“Everything is ready Heda, the Chiefs and the Head of Skaikru’s militia are waiting for you in the council room.” Octavia said, bowing slightly to Lexa after she had finished talking.

 

The Commander nodded and stood up once again, using Bouda’s big body to gain her balance and then straightening, feeling safer and much more confident with the wolf standing by her side.

 

“Lexa, wait!” Clarke said, standing up as well. The loudness of her voice made Ash stand up at once and glue herself to the blonde’s side. “Please, do not dismiss the possibility of Azgeda being a part of this right away, there is something here that doesn’t feel right.”

 

“Of course, Clarke.” Lexa said, moving closer to press a kiss on the blonde’s forehead. “We will continue to discuss this after the meeting.” Lexa then moved to wrap and arm around Raven’s waist, kissing her cheek and leaning closer to whisper in her ear. “Go get those explosives ready, and please be careful.”

 

“Sure, Robot.” Raven said, watching her wife walk away with a barely concealed limp.

 

“She should be in bed rest.” Clarke said, her hand buried in Ash’s fur.

 

“Maybe when this situation calms down we will be able to get her back into bed. Now, you should be in bed rest too, go to bed Griff.” Raven said, squeezing Clarke’s shoulder before moving towards the door. “You better be asleep when I get back.” The Omega said, right before stepping outside with Vulcan walking right behind her.

 

Clarke laid down on the bed with the wolf curled up by her side, huge gray eyes staring at her as she tried to make sense of everything that was happening.

 

She never got to close her eyes.

 

……………………….

 

About a week later Lexa was enjoying a rare moment of peace with her wives after having spent most of the morning supervising Octavia’s training with Lincoln and reviewing the information brought back to her by her scouts. The Commander couldn’t take part in the training yet because of her injuries, so she asked Lincoln to help, telling them both what to do and showing Octavia how to do it properly.

 

She had then left to her room and she had found Clarke sketching on the bed while Raven messed around with some machine on the floor. The Commander helped the omega stand up and then got into bed, both Clarke and Raven curled into her sides and stayed like that as they talked quietly about their days.

 

A knock on the door interrupted the quiet chat and a moment later Octavia came inside. Clarke and Raven were still ignoring she existed.

 

“Heda, a group from the Medical Program just arrived.” The Omega said and Lexa got out of bed followed closely by Raven and Clarke.

 

“They did? Weren’t they supposed to come in spring?” Clarke asked as she turned to look at Lexa.

 

“It is supposed to be spring now, at this time the snow has usually melted, but it looks like we still have a few more weeks of winter. They must have come because we should be in spring now.” Lexa said, moving her gaze towards Octavia and telling her to get Abby.

 

“I assumed you would have liked to welcome them, Heda.” Octavia said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Yes, take them towards the med bay, I will meet them there.” Lexa said as she put on her formal clothing and fixed her braids.

 

“Should we go with you?” Clarke asked even if she had already put on her boots.

 

“Well, I am going. I have been sitting for most of the day, I am sure my ass is disappearing by the minute.” Raven said and Lexa turned to look at her with a frown, her eyes glancing down for a brief second before looking back up.

 

“I assure you it looks gorgeous as always.” Lexa said and Raven felt her cheeks get hot.

 

“Thanks.” Raven said and Lexa frowned again as she moved closer to her.

 

“Why are you thanking me? I was only stating facts.” Lexa said, moving a hand down to Raven’s belly and leaving it there as she turned to look at Clarke.

 

“Don’t you think Raven’s behind looks gorgeous, Hodnes?” Lexa asked and Clarke smiled, nodding.

 

“Sure, it does.”

 

Lexa then turned to look at Raven with an expression that screamed “I told you so” and wrapping an arm gently around her waist she guided the omega towards the door.

 

They walked towards the med bay with no rush, the three wolves walking right behind them. Clarke and Raven were talking about the Medical Program, the blonde explaining some things while the omega listened and soon they were reaching the med bays doors.

 

They were about to put a foot inside when Lexa froze, a sharp gasp got caught in her chest as her eyes widened and all the color left her face all at once.

 

Raven and Clarke turned to look at her with worried frowns, Lexa had been just fine just a second ago.

 

“Lex? What’s going on?” Clarke asked but before she could get a response Abby stood on the other side of the door.

 

“Commander, allow me to introduce you to Caia and to her son Leif, she is one of the Healers of a village near the Glowing Forest Clan, her son is her apprentice.” Abby said and as soon as the words left her lips Raven was transported somewhere else.

 

_“Tell them that I would want them to listen to you, always. I always listened to my nomon, she was gentle with me.”_

 

_“Maybe I could take our child to see her, would you like me to do that?” Raven asked, feeling Lexa shuddering more violently as a choked up yes fell from her lips._

 

_“I don’t know if she is still alive, but we used to- used to .... live in a little village near the border with the Glowing forest clan. There is a house by the lake surrounded by flowers, it has beautiful carvings on the front...”_

 

The omega looked at woman standing in front of her. She was another omega, her scent was soft and sweet, comforting, and her eyes were hazel with a ring of green surrounding the pupil. Her hair was a dark shade of brown that was tied and kept out of her face by simple braids. What Raven was unable to ignore were the tears in her eyes and the brilliant smile that made her whole face come to life. She was staring right at Lexa and the Commander was looking back at her like she had just seen a ghost.

 

“She is one of the most important healers of her village, her mentor died almost 10 years ago and since then she took charge of the rest of the apprentices, she left the most promising of her colleagues in charge so she could come here and learn from us.” Abby continued to say, trying to fill the tense silence that had suddenly developed in the room. Raven just gaped at the woman, a rush of feelings building in her stomach as she felt Lexa’s hand start to shake in hers.

 

_“Your mother…” Raven said, hesitant, her throat clogging with fear at what she would ask next. “Did they…?”_

_“No.” Lexa said at once, the thought frightening her. “They couldn’t because of her status, they brought her to Heda, so he could make a decision, and he decided to let her live.”_

_“Her status?” Raven asked, confused, and Lexa nodded._

_“She was a healer, a healer in training, the only one, the healer we had at the time was already very old and hadn’t found a worthy second until Nomon, killing her would leave the village without a proper healer, Heda didn’t have a replacement so he couldn’t kill her.” Lexa said and Raven nodded in understanding._

When Lexa finally spoke her voice was completely void of emotion.

“Welcome, I am pleased to see that your commitment to this important task drove you to travel in such a hostile weather. I am sure you both will make the most of being under the tutelage of Doctor Griffin, who has accomplished things we could only imagine. I will leave you now with her so she can explain to you how the Program will work; she will answer all your questions.” Without saying anything else Lexa turned around, ready to leave.

“Commander!” Abby said, “These are just two of the healers, the rest are taking a tour of the facilities with one of the nurses, they should be back any minute now.”

“Clarke will welcome them for me, I have more important matters to take care of.” Lexa said, walking away without looking back.

Clarke and Raven gave each other a worried look before turning to look at the woman. She was wiping a few tears that had escaped her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket and the boy standing next to her, Leif, had put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

He didn’t look anything like her, his skin milky while hers had bronze tone similar to Lexa’s, his hair was dark brown, and so were his eyes. His features were sharp and angular where hers were soft. He must have been adopted, just like Lexa.

“Nomon?” Said a tiny voice and both Clarke and Raven glanced down to see a small child, maybe 4 or 5 years old, with jet black hair pulled back in pretty braids and with blue eyes so light they almost looked translucent. With all the commotion they hadn’t noticed her presence. Caia reached down to pick her up and tickled her cheek to get rid of the frown in the child’s face. “Em ste ai sis?” (She is my sister?)

“Sha, Hodnes.”(Yes, Love.) Caia said with a smile, whispering quietly to the small girl. “Em ste yu sis.” (She's your sister)

“Oh my god.” Raven managed to gasp after a couple of seconds. “Clarke I am going to go.”

“Yes, go.” The blonde said at once, her heart beating fast in her chest. “I will be there as soon as I can.”

Raven left in a rush with Vulcan lightly trotting by her side.

Abby gave her daughter a questioning expression but Clarke only shook her head. The nurse had just come back with another 3 healers, two women and a man. Clarke breathed in deeply and welcomed them, explaining everything they needed to know and answering all of their questions. Lexa needed her to take care of this for her and that’s what she would do.

…………….

When Raven made it to their room she found Octavia standing right in front of the door, blocking her path.

“She wants to be alone.” Octavia said and Raven’s blood bubbled hot with anger.

“Move.”

“You need to respect her wishes.” Octavia said and Raven took another step forward, her tone angry and harsh.

“And you need to respect your superiors when they give you orders. I said **_move_**.” Raven said and Octavia sighed, letting her through.

She found Lexa standing in the middle of the room, gasping for air as she tried and failed to take off her coat. Her fingers were shaking so bad she gave up on trying to untie the clasps and resorted to pull on the fabric to get it off of her body.

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, it’s fine.” Raven said, taking Lexa’s face into her hands and caressing her wet cheeks for a second before she reached down to unclasp her coat quickly. Once she was done the alpha pulled it violently off of her body and gasped loudly, clutching at her neck.

“ _Nomon Nomon Nomon Nomon”_ She said quickly and Raven reached up for her hands again, caressing the back of them with her fingers as she tried to meet Lexa’s gaze.

“Yes, she is right here. Did you see how happy she was to see you?”

“I killed him. I killed her brother. Nontu. I-I-” Lexa gasped again and a flood of tears poured down her cheeks.

“She will understand; I promise you she will understand. She was smiling so brightly; didn’t you see that smile she gave you?” Raven tried again, finally getting Lexa to let go of her neck and holding her hands in both of her own.

“She must not know I killed him. She must not know I ordered his execution. Death by a thousand cuts. She must not know I buried my sword in his heart and that I just watched him die. She- she-” Lexa tried to pull away and Raven held her there, curling her arms around the Commander’s shoulders and hugging her tight, trying to contain the tremors wracking Lexa’s body with her own.

“She will know that’s what you had to do. She will understand.”

“She didn’t raise me to become this- this- _monster._ She didn’t raise me to be like this, she will be disappointed, she will loath me. I killed my own _father,_ her _brother._ I was meant to build houses, to ride horses. She didn’t raise me to become this _heartless beast.”_ Lexa said in a stuttered, messy rush and Raven felt her tears soak her shirt.

“That’s not true, you are none of those things.” Raven said, pulling away just a little to look into Lexa’s eyes. The Commander’s breathing was still awfully shallow and the Mechanic was getting increasingly worried. She pumped as many calming pheromones as she could and rubbed Lexa’s back, willing her to calm down. “She will know you didn’t really have a choice, she will understand and she will see how beautiful your heart is. Do you really think a monster; a heartless beast could ever feel this level of pain?” Lexa didn’t say anything and so Raven kept going. “Monsters don’t feel pain, they don’t feel guilt or remorse, they just don’t care. And you feel so damn much for everyone, especially for those you have had to sacrifice. You feel for them and you break with every loss and still you do everything you can so next time you lose less and less. Monsters don’t do that. Monsters are mindless killers that hurt people for no reason, while everything you have done has been to protect your people. You have done what the circumstances have demanded of you, you became the person your people needed you to be and she will understand that. I promise you, she will.”

At some point Lexa’s breathing had calmed and her tears slowed, leaving her standing shakily in front of Raven.

“You promise?” The alpha asked, her eyes wide and vulnerable and so exhausted they looked gray.

“Yes, I promise.” Raven said, pulling her close until the alpha comfortably buried her face in the omega’s neck. Lexa hugged her tight, feeling the omega’s gentle hand rub the back of her neck. “Let’s lay down for a second, okay?”

Lexa nodded in response and Raven made sure she got into the bed first, taking off the Commander’s boots and then her own before getting into the bed and lying on her back so the Commander could cuddle up to her side, nose pressed close to Raven’s pulse point.

“I am sorry, Raven. I should be strong for you and for our pup.”

“No, don’t apologize for that. Holding back your feelings is not strength, I think letting them out, letting yourself feel them completely is a lot like losing control and that is a lot more difficult and scary. Too much has been going on lately and I only have managed not to lose it because you take care of everything, you keep me safe and you make sure everything is okay. I know that must take a toll on you and I am afraid I will never be really able to understand how it feels to have that kind of weight on your shoulders. I wish I could do more for you.” Raven said.

“You already do everything Raven, _you are here_.” Lexa whispered, her hand clenching around Raven’s shirt. At first the omega didn’t understand Lexa’s words, but slowly it settled. Lexa had been alone for so long that just having someone to share a few minutes of her life with meant everything. It _was_ everything.

“Why don’t you close your eyes for a few minutes?” Raven asked, feeling her own eyes get a little misty, her chest felt painfully tight.

“Where is Clarke?” Lexa asked and Raven felt something bitter and twisted crawl up her veins and settle there.

“At the med bay.” Raven whispered and Lexa pulled herself closer to her body, frowning just slightly. Raven swallowed down the bitterness and reached for her radio. “I am going to tell her to come here right now, okay?” Lexa just nodded and a few minutes later the blonde was bursting through the doors, regarding the scene in front of her with worried eyes as she took off her jacket and shoes.

The blonde got on the bed and curled her body around Lexa’s back, pressing soft kisses on the side of her neck.

“I am here, love.” Clarke whispered, her hand caressing gently the Commander’s side. “You can close your eyes; we will be right here when you wake up.”

“We promise.” Raven said and after feeling Clarke nod against her shoulder, Lexa allowed herself to let her eyes fall shut.

…………

“You are Octavia?” A woman asked, the same woman that had been at the Med bay. She had the child on her hip and the little girl seemed to be asleep.

“Yes. I could guide you to your room if you wish to rest.” The omega said, figuring that she could leave her post outside the Commander’s room for a few seconds.

“You are the only second my dau- the Commander has ever taken; she must see a lot of potential in you.” The woman said and Octavia decided to let go her little slip.

“I believe training the Nightbloods and her other duties keep her busy enough. I think we being stuck here and her having almost no communication with the rest of the Clans played a part in her accepting me as her Second.” Octavia said, she didn’t want to be rude but she didn’t want to keep answering questions. “Is there anything I can help you with?”

“Yes. I was wondering if you could tell me how is she, as her second you must spend a lot of time with her.” Caia said, and Octavia frowned slightly, that was surely an odd question to ask.

“She is-” Octavia said, but was suddenly cut off by the opening of the door she had been guarding.

“Caia.” Clarke said, eyes a little wide.

“Wanheda, forgive me. I didn't mean to disturb you.” The woman said and Clarke shook her head quickly.

Lexa had sensed her mother standing outside the door, heard her muffled voice and had asked Clarke to go out and talk to her, she still needed some time.

“Nonsense, join me, we can talk in private.” Clarke said, guiding the woman to the nearest empty room. Caia laid the child gently on the empty bed, covering with the blankets and brushing the hair out of her face before placing a kiss on her forehead.

The blonde knew that Lexa must have been treated the same way, with the same care and the same love, and then suddenly she had been snatched away and trusted into Titus hands. Such a harsh, brutal change.

“I heard what you asked Octavia.” Clarke said and the woman’s eyes widened a little.

“I meant no harm, I-”

“I know who you are, I know where you were coming from.” Clarke said, her voice soft, her eyes showing a mix of sadness and calm.

“She has told you about me?” Caia asked, once again sporting a smile that made her eyes shine. Clarke noticed she did it often, smiled freely and fully, and she couldn’t help but wonder if Lexa had been the same way.

“She speaks of you very fondly. She is still hurt about being taken away from you.” Clarke said and the smile in Caia’s face vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

“I tried to hide her. I tried to keep her by my side as long as I could-”

“I know!” Clarke said, trying to calm the woman. “And she knows too, she knows.”

“Is that why she left the way she did? Does she resent me for not doing more to keep her?” Caia said and Clarke watched her lips tilt down as her eyes filled with tears.

“No! No, I promise it is not that. She is just not the same girl she was when she last saw you, she worries you won’t like the person she became, that you will be disappointed.” Clarke explained, feeling overwhelming amounts of relief when Caia looked at her like she was completely insane.

“That’s nonsense. I couldn’t be prouder.” The woman said, her brows furrowed in worry. “I know she is different now, but she is still the little girl I so dearly loved. I know her soul, I am proud of who she is and of everything she has achieved.” She then looked up at Clarke, eyes frantic and desperate. “You must allow me to tell her.”

“I promise she will come to you when she is ready. She never expected to see you again and now that she knows you are here she is having a hard time processing, but I am sure she will want to see you soon. I am so happy you are here; she has never needed you more.” Clarke said, giving the woman a smile.

“I am sure the same can be said about you. I was overjoyed when I heard that she had become partners with two women from Skaikru, it’s been years since I last heard about her having that kind of relationship with someone.” Caia said, her eyes worried and her tone sad. Costia’s name made an echo in Clarke’s head. “I was afraid she was alone. My concern only deepened when I heard about Anya and Gustus’ passing.”

“She was alone, but she has us now and for what I can tell her family is a lot bigger than she could ever imagine.” Clarke said, smiling at the sleeping child on the bed.

“Two sisters and brother, I hope she doesn't feel like I was trying to replace her.” The woman said, glancing at the child herself with a worried frown.

“I doubt it. She knew you were alone as well and that hurt her, I am sure she will appreciate you were not on your own after Gustus left. I must ask, do you know the circumstances of his passing?” Clarke asked tentatively, fear clogging her throat as she waited for an answer.

“I-” A sudden knock on the door halted the woman at the beginning of her sentence. A moment later Leif came inside, greeting Clarke and telling his mother their rooms were ready.

Clarke looked at him, wondering how old he was. His face looked young, his eyes calm and innocent but he was also very tall and well built, Clarke guessed he must have been around 16 or 17. Clarke watched as he picked the child up gently and let her rest against his shoulder.

“Please Wanheda, tell the Commander that I wish to speak to her.” Caia said, giving Clarke a meaningful look before leaving the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I am really sorry for not posting for almost a month, school was kicking my ass but I am finally done with this semester so I will probably be able to update more often now.
> 
> Also, I did read every single comment you sent me last chapter, I was thinking about answering them all before updating but I figured you'd want the new chapter yesterday so I will post it and continue answering the comments you leave on this one.
> 
> I am feeling quite unsure about this chapter so let me know what you think in the comments, and let me know if you can think about a name for this chapter, I honestly couldn't think about anything.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	13. Chapter 13

Before Clarke could go back into their room Raven stepped outside. Clarke knew at once that she was upset, she could smell it, see it in Raven’s eyes.

 

“What’s wrong?” Clarke asked, letting out a sigh.

 

“I need to talk to you.” Raven said and Clarke looked at her with concern making lines appear around her eyes.

 

“We promised we’d be there when she woke up.” Clarke said.

 

“She can handle herself on her own.” Raven said and the instant flare of Clarke’s anger made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end.

 

“She doesn’t have to, not anymore.” Clarke said, squeezing her hand into a fist.

 

“I won’t let this go, so why don’t you deal with me quickly so you can go back to her, she just fell asleep.” Raven said but Clarke wasn’t relenting. “Octavia will get us if anything happens.” Raven said and Clarke glanced at the omega standing by their door. Octavia looked back at her and gave her a nod. Clarke sighed and nodded, guiding Raven to the same room where she had been speaking with Caia.

 

“What is it?” Clarke asked, standing by the door while watching Raven walk around the room. The omega hadn’t fully turned to look at her when she started talking.

 

“She asked for you.”

 

“What?” Clarke said, confused.

 

“She was having a hard time but I helped her calm down, we were in bed and she was better, I was holding her and all she did was ask about you.” Raven said and realization slowly dawned on Clarke.

 

“Raven-” Clarke started, but the omega harshly cut her off.

 

“Don’t fucking Raven me! We were having a moment, her and I. We were having a moment and she asked me about you!” Raven shouted, her voice loud and her distress pungent in Clarke’s nose. “Will there ever be a moment in which I won’t be under your shadow, the shadow of your love? What the hell was I thinking when I assumed I could ever compare to you, to the bond between the great Heda and Wanheda. You are made for each other, you are supposed to be together, you understand her in ways I can’t. I am sure the whole reason why she married me was so she wouldn’t have to hurt you the way she did at the mountain ever again. Everything you went through together, everything you are and you give to each other, how could I ever compete with that? how could I even compare?” Raven said, not noticing the tears that had fallen down her cheeks and that were currently dripping off her chin.

 

Her shoulders slumped in defeat and she looked away from Clarke, staring down at her feet.

 

Clarke didn’t say anything for a few seconds, wanting to make sure that Raven was done and even then she didn’t speak, she moved closer to the omega and wrapped her arms around her, knowing very well that Raven would probably reject her.

 

Surprisingly the omega didn’t do so, Raven fell into the embrace and sobbed into Clarke’s shoulder, her eyes tightly shut as her body trembled lightly with feeling. Clarke held her as gently as she could, feeling Raven’s protruding belly pressing against her abdomen as she rubbed the omega’s back.

 

Once Raven had calmed down Clarke guided her towards the bed and sat her down, sitting beside her a second later with a hand still gently caressing the omega’s back.

 

“Things are not like that, Rae.” Clarke whispered and the omega chuckled drily with a taste of bitterness on the back of her mouth.

 

“Clarke, every single morning I feel her turn in my arms so she can face you and kiss you for a very long time and then I hear her telling you she loves you in both english and trigedasleng. She has never said that to me, ever.” Raven said, feeling angry at the way her eyes were watering again.

 

“Rae, my relationship with Lexa started almost as soon as we met, there was always something happening there. I don’t need her to tell me she loves me to know she does, I have known since the Mountain. I saw it as she walked away, she left a part of her with me and I am sure that’s part of the reason why I could never hate her.”

 

“That’s really not helping.” Raven said and Clarke sighed.

 

“What I am trying to say is that we are in different places in our relationships with her, it happened differently. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you, it means that she feels tentative, hesitant, doesn’t know how to act because she doesn’t really know where you stand in your feelings for her. You are always denying you love her, saying that you are only  _ beginning _ to fall for her and that’s perfectly okay, no one expects you to develop those feelings overnight. However, we both know that Lexa is considerate, she won’t tell you she loves you until she is sure her feelings won’t be a burden to you.” Clarke said and Raven frowned.

 

“Why would her feelings be a burden to me?”

 

“Well, you did freak out badly when you noticed you were falling for her.” Clarke said, a little smile pulling at the corner of her lips. 

 

“Oh, yeah.” Raven said, looking down at her hands.

 

“She might have married you for the wrong reasons, but now she’s happy that she did it, she feels lucky about having you and she is only holding back because she doesn’t want to push you. Feelings happen when they happen and there's no need to rush them, she wouldn’t put that kind of pressure on you.” Clarke said and Raven groaned.

 

“She’s so unalpha like, it’s annoying.”

 

“It’s convenient for me, makes our relationship easier.” Clarke said. “I am sure we would clash more if she didn’t have such a good grip on her alpha. I just hate it comes from such a bad place, I constantly wonder how would she be if Titus had treated her differently, if she had gotten to stay with her mom.”

 

“Well, maybe she would be someone you wouldn’t love.” Raven said and Clarke nodded.

 

“Yeah, maybe.”

 

“Everything you said about how Lexa feels and why she acts the way she does, did she actually tell you those things?” Raven asked and Clarke nodded at once.

 

“I wouldn’t make it up, that’d be fucked up.”

 

“And hearing her say all those things, doesn’t it make you a little bit jealous?” Raven asked and Clarke looked thoughtful for a minute.

 

“Not really. We are really different people Raven, and Lexa loves different things about us, she loves us differently. For example, I know that we are both alphas and that if I fought her for submission I would lose. I know it and she knows it too, but she doesn’t make it a thing, she respects me, she doesn’t make me feel inferior or treat me as if I am defenseless or vulnerable. She treats me and sees me as her equal even if in terms of power we are not, and I love that, I love her because of that among other things. Because from the moment we met she never looked down on me like everyone in Skaikru did, like my mother did.” Clarke turned to look at Raven, her eyes were bright and she was smiling. “She looked at me and she saw herself and it was the same for me, it was always like that. I know she could look at me and drive me to my knees, make me bare my neck, make me bend to her will and she has never done it not even when we fight. She respects me and you have seen what happens to most people that go against her, that defy her, but she has never done anything of the sort to me.” Clarke paused and breathed in deeply feeling her chest flood with warmth.

 

“She believes in me, she respects me and I know she loves me.” Clarke said. “I don’t need anything else.”

 

“Not even having her all to yourself? How can you not feel like you aren’t enough when she loves someone else?”

 

“Because she doesn’t love us because she need us, she loves us because of who we are. Yes, we offer her things and she does the same for us, but that’s not the main reason why she loves us, she loves me for me and she loves you for you, because our company makes her happy. Because us being there just being us without actually doing things for her makes her happy, she enjoys it, she enjoys being with us.” Clarke said, not really sure if she was making any sense. “You are enough Raven, just for existing, just for being you and you shouldn’t need anyone to validate that feeling.” Clarke said, moving her hands up to hold the omega’s face and get Raven to look at her. “You are brilliant, you are funny, you are crazy stubborn and beautiful and passionate, anyone would be lucky to be with you, Lexa knows that and you should know that as well without needing someone to tell you, Rae.”

 

Raven breathed in deeply, feeling her eyes start watering once again.

 

“Lexa didn’t fall for you because I am not enough for her, she fell for you because of everything you are and fell for me for the same reason. This is not about Lexa, as far as she can tell you hang the stars in the sky, this is about you.” Clarke said. “You don’t need anyone to tell you you are enough, you are, you always have been.” The blonde said looking into Raven’s dark eyes with her blue ones, not letting go of her gentle hold on the omega’s face, not letting her look away.

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Raven said, moving forwards to wrap her arms around the alpha’s neck. Clarke hugged her back, keeping a hand strong and steady on Raven’s back.

 

“You have nothing to thank me for, I was only telling the truth.” Clarke said. “Let’s go to bed, you must be tired. And Rae, if you keep feeling this way maybe you should tell Lexa. She would want to know how insecure you feel about her feelings for you.” Raven nodded and took Clarke’s hand when the blonde offered her to help her up.

 

“We both know that would hurt her, you have seen how she treats me… We both know all of this is coming from insecurities I probably had before she was even in the picture.”

 

“I still think you should talk to her, she is your wife, she deserves to know and you deserve to be able to talk to her about these kinds of things, we both know she’d want to hear you out.” Clarke said, giving Raven a supporting look.

 

Clarke guided her to their room and stopped Raven before she could get into the bed.

 

“What are you doing?” Raven whispered and Clarke ignored her, sitting on the bed next to Lexa’s resting body.

 

The blonde caressed Lexa’s hair gently, her fingers weaving through braids and curls. Then she leaned down to whisper in the Commander’s ear, as Clarke was expecting Lexa’s eyes opened heavily, only opening wider once they took in the blonde.

 

“Hey love, I am sorry to wake you, can you move a little to the side?” Clarke asked and Lexa’s face showed only confusion.

 

“To Raven’s place?”

 

“Yes.” Clarke said and just when Lexa was going to say something else Clarke gave her a meaningful look. The Commander closed her mouth and moved to the side, looking expectantly at Clarke and Raven who were standing by the bed.

 

“Clarke, what the hell?”

 

“Don’t be stubborn, some extra love wouldn’t hurt you tonight and you often end up with your face in my boobs anyway, so this won’t be much different.” Clarke said and Raven looked from her to Lexa and back again.

 

“But Lexa always goes in the middle, what if she doesn’t want this?”

 

“It’s fine.” Lexa said, taking the chance that she was awake to take off her clothes, she had fallen asleep with most of her clothing on, including her coat, so she undressed until she was only wearing an undershirt and some shorts. She also took off her bindings from under the shirt and leaned back down against the pillow opening her arms for Raven. 

 

The omega moved closer to Lexa hesitantly, leaning her head down on the alpha’s strong arm and feeling Lexa’s nose gently nudge her forehead. Raven looked up so she could meet the alpha’s eyes, Lexa was smiling down at her.

 

Raven didn’t have time to say anything because soon enough Lexa was leaning down and pressing their lips together. Raven heard her sigh contently against her mouth and closed her eyes, feeling her heartrate pick up at the feeling of Lexa’s soft lips moving against her own.

 

“Thank you.” Lexa whispered, pressing a short kiss to Raven’s lips. “For earlier.” Lexa kissed her again. “I would have lost my mind if you hadn’t been here with me.” Another kiss, longer, harder. 

 

“You don’t have to thank me for that.” Raven said as her insecurities were slowly pushed to the back of her mind. How could she feel insecure about Lexa when the woman looked at her with that expression, with so much warmth and tenderness, even in the dim light her green eyes seemed to grow lighter, softer as they looked into Raven’s.

 

Lexa smiled at her and pressed a kiss to Raven’s cheek, curling her arm tight around the omega’s waist and closing her eyes, feeling overwhelmingly happy when she felt Clarke’s hand settle around Raven’s middle as well and rest on her own.

 

Lexa looked at Clarke from over Raven’s shoulder wanting to ask some questions about the sudden change, but the blonde only shook her head and gave her a small smile as she ran her fingertips gently over the back of Lexa’s hand before settling behind Raven. Clarke wanted to make her feel loved, cared for, and hopefully like that the omega would have less doubts.

 

…………………….

 

The next morning both Clarke and Raven were surprised to see Lexa up and putting on her armor. Raven turned to look at Clarke with a frown, the blonde looked back at her and shrugged her shoulders, not knowing what to say as she moved her gaze back to Lexa.

 

The omega stood up and walked towards the Commander, stopping the movement of Lexa’s hand so she could clasp the pauldron for her, Lexa looked at her with a smile and nuzzled her nose gently against Raven’s, giving her a kiss good morning.

 

“What are you doing?” Raven asked once Lexa pulled away.

 

“Getting ready, I am going to talk to her.” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes widened, she turned to look at Clarke who didn’t seem surprised at all, her expression sporting concern more than anything else.

 

“You can take your time, you don’t have to do that right away, there is no rush.” Raven said, hearing Clarke sigh from the bed.

 

“If things are going to go wrong I want them to go wrong now, I can not hide here wondering.” Lexa said, meeting Raven’s eyes. “It is shameful and weak of me. Whatever the outcome of my conversation may be I will face it and move past it.”

 

“But Lexa-”

 

“We will be here to help you through it, no matter what happens we will be right here.” Clarke said, cutting Raven off. The blonde had stood from the bed and settled behind the Commander, lightly letting her hand rest on the other alpha’s shoulder.

 

“I don’t doubt it.” Lexa said, curling one arm around Clarke and the other around Raven. She pulled them both close and leaned her head against Clarke’s head, letting it rest there for a few seconds before doing the exact same with Raven. “I am deeply grateful for having you both. Please try not to worry, I will be back as soon as I can.” Lexa pressed a kiss to Raven’s forehead and then to Clarke’s, giving them both one last look before leaving.

 

“Don’t you think she is rushing into things?” Raven said. “She reacted pretty badly last night, I mean she just found out her mother, someone she refused to think about because it was too painful, is alive and well and here. Maybe she isn’t ready for this.”

 

“That might be the case but she can’t just wait, she needs this to end, rip it off like a bandaid. She can’t let all the anguish keep building up, it could make things worse and she can’t really afford to feel so unstable emotionally right now with the Nomad issue.” Clarke said, reaching out to put a comforting hand on Raven’s arm. “Just remember what happened last time someone assumed her actions came from a place of weakness, it puts her in danger and we can’t let that happen.”

 

“Do we think this is going to end well? I mean, how would you feel if your daughter killed your brother?” Raven said, sitting on the bed with a hand mindlessly caressing her belly, Sirius was going a bit crazy with the kicking.

 

“It’s an impossible situation, but if there’s one thing we know about Caia is that she loved Lexa, all we can do is hope that she will understand the circumstances of her brother’s passing, he betrayed Lexa and there was no way around that.” Clarke said as she sat next to Raven.

 

“Well, if I finally understood the circumstances of Finn’s death maybe she will be the same, we can’t blame her for following the laws of her clan, much less when we know that that would have gotten her killed.”

 

“Exactly, we can only hope that she understands, too.” Clarke said, placing her hand on Raven’s shoulder before grabbing her things. “Is there something you need, Rae? I am going to be busy for most of the day.”

 

“No, I am good. I’ll be busy too, we’ll keep in touch in case things with Lexa go south, yes?”

 

“Of course, I will keep the radio close.” Clarke said, stepping closer to the omega and putting lightly a hand on her belly. “Don’t over do it, please.”

 

“No promises, Griff.” Raven said, watching the blonde roll her eyes as she made her way outside.

 

………………..

 

Lexa entered the Medical Bay with Octavia and Bouda trailing after her as usual. Abby, who was speaking to the group of healers turned to look at her. The healers bowed to her as soon as they noticed her presence, all of them, including Caia, and seeing her mother bowing to her made an uncomfortable feeling develop in Lexa’s stomach.

 

“Caia,” Lexa said, her hands were soaked with sweat and she could hear her pulse thundering in her ears. “Come with me, we have things to discuss.”

 

“We are in the middle of something here, Commander.” Abby said as the woman started walking towards Lexa.

 

“Please,” Lexa said, giving Abby a small smile. “feel free to continue.”

 

After that she turned around, knowing that Caia was walking right behind her. They stopped at the entrance of the Council room, Lexa motioned Caia to go inside with her hand as she stayed back with Octavia.

 

“Make sure no one interrupts us, not even Clarke or Raven, understood?”

 

“Sha, Heda.” Octavia said as she took post beside the door, she asked no questions as she watched the Commander take a deep breath and move inside with the wolf by her side.

 

“You were always very fond of animals.” Caia said, giving Lexa a smile once the door closed behind the Commander. Lexa just stared at her, she was unable to look away. Her bones, her muscles, her very skin felt tight and stretched, so tense it could snap at any given moment.

 

“Did you help this one get back to full health as well?” Caia asked and Lexa swallowed hard, knowing her mother was making reference to the bird they had healed together, the one tattooed over her ribs, and also knowing that she couldn’t stay silent. She had to answer.

 

“I did.” Lexa said and those two words took more out of her than entier days arguing with the Ambassadors of the 12 Clans.

 

“No wonder he stayed by your side, wolves are group animals, you became his pack-”

 

“Do you know about Gustus?” Lexa interrupted, her voice sharp and strong, she was unable to keep wondering for much longer. The smile on her mother’s face slipped, her face turning somber, Lexa instantly feared the worst and taking a deep breath she tried to prepare to lose her mother again.

 

“That he betrayed you? Yes, I know about that.” Caia said, and Lexa’s brows were pulled in a millimeter, a expression of confusion she tried but failed to conceal.

 

“That I killed him.” Lexa clarified. She suddenly felt very nauseous and sick and she was sure she would have vomited right then and there if her mother hadn’t answered so quickly.

 

“Yes, I know of his death, but I do not believe you are the one to blame for his demise.” Caia said and Lexa looked up to the ceiling as she blinked tears away.

 

“I buried my sword in his chest.” Lexa said, surprised by her own ability to talk. Her chest felt constricted, her throat tangled in knots and all she could do was stare at the first woman she had ever loved, the one who taught her how to love and hope not to lose her again. Lexa couldn’t stop thinking about how she had been torn away from her mother because of her duty to her blood and how now they would be separated again for the exact same reason. All because a meaningless piece of tech.

 

“Lexa…” Caia said, moving closer to the Commander and stopping herself from reaching her at the last second. “Heda, his death was caused by his decision to go against you, by his betrayal. He was my brother and I love him and I miss him, his death pains me deeply and that doesn’t stop me from blaming him for his own death. Out of the two of us he got to stay by your side for years, he got to see you grow and become the woman you are today. He got to see with his own eyes where your decisions lead our people, how capable you are as our leader, how for the first time in years you brought us peace.” Caia said, stopping for one second to reach up and gently hold onto the Commander’s chin, tilting her head up so their eyes would meet.

 

“And still, after seeing all of that he doubted you and believed himself more capable than you to judge the Skaikru. I know our laws Heda, he was a general, he was your protector, none of his duties included making decisions about political alliances. I think what he did was foolish and I am angry at him for putting you in that position, I am angry at him because if he had trusted you, if he had followed his duty and done nothing else he would still be here today.” Caia said and again, Lexa felt her eyes fill with moisture.

 

“I should have done something, I should have tried harder to spare his life.”

 

“No, that would have gotten you executed and I would never be able to forgive him for that.” Caia said, giving Lexa a small smile. “A mother does not get over the death of her child. A mother loves no one like she loves her child, not her partner, not her brother, no one. I would have been very angry at you if you had put yourself in such a dangerous position by trying to save Gustus from something he so foolishly got himself into. My brother was a good man, a man I deeply loved, a man that made a mistake that cost him his life. You are not to blame for his death, he betrayed you and he was executed for it like any other man would, you could not spare him and you were left with no other choice.”

 

“He was trying to protect me.” Lexa said, her voice still miraculously steady as a tear streamed down her cheek.

 

“In this case the means did not justify the end, he should have trusted you. Even if that alliance with Skaikru had been a mistake he should have backed you up, he should have supported you, it is what was expected of him as a general and as a  protector.” Caia said, pausing for a second and wiping the lonely tear on Lexa’s cheek away. “It is what was expected of him as a father as well. As parents we can only do so much, we offer our children words of advice, we offer them council, but at the end they have to make their own choices. You made yours and he didn’t respect it, that was his downfall.”

 

“You are not disappointed about the person I have become?” Lexa asked, her eyes wide and shining green as they stared deeply into her mother’s. Caia frowned, not even trying to stop herself as she moved to cup the Commander’s face with both her hands.

 

“I do not think I can ever be as proud of anyone as I am of you, Lexa.” Caia said, and all at once the massive weight that had been crushing Lexa’s bones lifted, disappeared into nothing. 

 

The Commander was left breathless, dizzy with relief as she closed her eyes and felt her body succumb into exhaustion after all the tension it was forced to.

 

Caia had her arms open and ready to catch her child, hugging her tightly against her chest as her own eyes flooded with tears of happiness that quickly spilled down her cheeks.

 

“I missed you so much, ai goufa.” Caia whispered into Lexa’s ear as she felt the alpha bury herself deeper into her neck. 

 

Lexa felt warmth spread across her chest, felt her mother hands curl around her body and familiar hands trail gently down her hair. Her mother felt just like she remembered, her embrace was just as gentle and strong, her tone was just as soothing and delicate, her scent was just as sweet and as it filled Lexa’s lungs it made the Commander feel safe, feel at home and loved.

 

“I missed you too, Nomon.” Lexa whispered, knowing that her words couldn’t even come close to describing how she had felt all those years without her mother.

 

Caia pulled away just to hold Lexa’s face in her hands, her smile was wide and radiant, blatantly happy even with tears staining the edges of it. The sight of it made Lexa’s chest rattle with emotion.

 

“You are so beautiful and so strong, just like when you were a child.”

 

“No.” Lexa said, shaking her head and looking away. “I am nothing like I was back then.”

 

Caia frowned and turned Lexa’s head so their eyes would meet again. 

 

“Of course you are, you might not be the exact same but it is the same spirit, I can see it in your eyes and in everything you have done and accomplished. You will always be my child either way.” Caia said, brushing her thumb gently over Lexa’s cheek.

 

Lexa let her hand rest atop her mother’s, looking at her with wet green eyes.

 

“I have needed you so much.” Lexa said and Caia only brought her closer, her own tears spilling down her cheeks.

 

“I have needed you too, ai yongon, so much.”

 

“Yes?”

 

“Of course.” Caia said, and Lexa felt her lips stretch against her forehead, forming a smile. “A mother never fully recovers from losing a child, things get bearable, but there’s never a sense of complete happiness, of being whole.” Caia said and Lexa couldn’t stop thinking about Costia and the child she never got to know, the child she thought about everyday and that she imagined in so many different ways. She understood exactly what her mother was saying and she wished she didn’t. 

 

“You were my first Lexa, you taught me how to be a mother and with you I came to know a kind of love I have never felt before, a love that can’t be compared to any other.”

 

Lexa pulled away with a shaky smile on her face, she did her best to regain her composure and then guided her mother towards the chairs, never moving too far away from her.

 

“Now you have other children.” Lexa said, using the statement to prompt her mother to elaborate.

 

“Yes, 2 daughters and a boy. You are my eldest. There is Leif and Kai, who you already met, and also Sonnet, she is Leif’s twin sister. I took them both in when they were 4 years old and now they have seen 17 summers. She couldn’t come with us, her First wouldn’t allow it, she is the promising Second of our best blacksmith so she couldn’t just decide to leave. The only reason why Leif was able to come is because he is my Second and I brought him so he could help me with Kai while I work with the Skaikru healers.” Caia said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Do they know I am…?”

 

“Their sister? Yes, of course. They know not to tell anyone about it, but I do speak of you often. They know you are their sister and they love you almost as much as I do, they were excited to meet you.” Caia said, gently putting her hand on top of Lexa’s. “I hope us coming here wasn’t the wrong thing to do.”

 

“It wasn’t.” Lexa said at once, her hand moving quickly and gripping strongly at her mother’s. “We have to be discreet, no one can know we are related and that you are my mother. It is against the law for the Commander to have so many exploitable ties, but the fact that I am not truly your blood plays in our favor as there is not any resemblance apart from a similar and fairly common skin tone.” Lexa said and Caia nodded in agreement. “I just need to ask, why come back now?”

 

“Because I could not stop myself any longer.” Caia said, her eyes getting wet. “Losing you was the hardest thing that ever happened to me, the most awful and painful, even more so than losing my own Nomon and Nontu. However, I knew that I couldn’t make a scene, I knew that I would have been executed if I had been found trying to reach you and I knew that Titus would have made you watch, he might have even made you do it yourself, so I stayed away but always with an eye on you. I felt so lucky when I heard you were going to travel around Trirku lands once you ascended, I travelled to each town just to see you get there and talk to the people…” A tear trailed down Caia’s cheek and Lexa felt her lungs expand with affection, she moved a little closer and brushed the tear away with her thumb, feeling her mother press harder into the contact. “Hearing you were going to war always brought me immense anguish and fear, so much so that I wouldn’t be able to get anything down until I heard of your safe return to Polis.” 

 

“Forgive me, Nomon.” Lexa said, looking down as she leaned forward to press her forehead against her mother’s. “I never wished to make you go through such sorrow.”

 

“Nonsense child, you are not to blame for any of it.” Caia said as she traced Lexa’s intricate braids with her fingers. “I heard about your partner, I heard about your First and about Gustus… When I heard of Titus’ betrayal I just couldn’t keep myself away any longer, not when you were completely alone. Though, now that I am here I see that you have very good company.”

 

Lexa blushed, her cheeks getting a very light pink hue as she smiled up at her mother.

 

“I have been very lucky, the luckiest.” Lexa said and Caia smiled.

 

“Maybe life is finally giving back after everything you have done, everything you have lost.”

 

“There’s no way to be deserving of them Nomon, I can only be thankful, love them as best as I can and hope that that will be enough.”

 

“It will be.” Caia said. “You are good at that.”

 

“At what?”

 

“Loving.” Caia said and Lexa looked away in quiet denial, Caia cupped her face in her hands and forced their eyes to meet again. “You are, I know it. You were always so sweet, so caring and I know you are the same now.”

 

“I hope they feel the same way.”

 

“One of them, Raven, she is carrying your child.” Caia stated, the smile on her face getting impossibly wider. Lexa smiled as well, feeling happy as her mind went to Sirius.

 

“Yes, it’s a boy and we will name him Sirius.” Lexa said, her voice dripping with soft affection and joy. 

 

Caia’s eyes widened with surprise.

 

“How?”

 

“The Skaikru have technology that allows them to see the child before it’s born, they can even take images of it.” Lexa said and a moment later she was reaching into the inside of her jacket, from where she took the most recent ultrasound picture she had and showed it to her mother.

 

“Oh!” Caia said, shocked as she stared at the clear outline of the child. “This is… This is…” The woman didn’t know what to say, she never thought something like that was possible.

 

“They are also able to detect sickness before the baby is born. Healer Abby has ensured us that Sirius is very healthy and very strong and that his birth should have no complications.”

 

Tears dripped freely down Caia’s cheeks as she looked at Lexa and brought her into a hug.

 

“I am so happy for you my child, knowing that you will have a child of your own brings me such a joy, you will be an excellent mother.” Caia said, her hands gently pressed to Lexa’s back.

 

“Everyday since I discovered I would be a mother I wished for you to be with me, I cursed my blood from taking me away from you and now you are here.” Lexa’s voice broke and she buried her face in her mother’s shoulder. “I have needed you so much, and now with Sirius on the way… I can not think of a time where I could need you more, I know nothing about how to care for a child, but now you are here, now you can teach me. I have been so concerned and so afraid about hurting him, but now I don’t have to feel that way anymore because you are here to teach me.”

 

“Of course, I will be right here. You have nothing to be afraid of.” Caia reassured pressing soft kisses to the top of Lexa’s head. “Everything will be okay.”

 

………………

 

Clarke had just left a meeting with the chiefs when she was pushed into a dark corner with a warm mouth pressing insistently to hers. The blonde smiled into the kiss, brows arching in a mix of surprise and pleasure when she felt Lexa’s hands wrap tightly around her waist to pull them flush together.

 

The blonde buried her hands in the Commander’s braids and relaxed into the kiss, letting out a soft sigh as she parted her lips a little bit further to invite Lexa in, pleased at the small sound of approval that left the back of Lexa’s throat.

 

“I take your talk with Caia went well?” Clarke said, smiling and leaning her head back against the wall as she felt Lexa press kisses all over her neck.

 

“It did. However, that’s not why I am kissing you.”

 

“No?” Clarke asked, closing her eyes at the sensation of Lexa’s lips on her skin. 

 

The Commander suddenly stopped and Clarke opened her eyes with a pout. Lexa kissed it away, a smile pulling at the corner of her lips.

 

“I am kissing you because I love you.” Lexa said strongly, her eyes on Clarke’s and a hand pressed to the blonde’s chest, feeling her heartbeat right beneath. Clarke smiled as she felt her face fill with heat and her pulse flutter quickly in her neck. “And also because I feel happy today.”

 

“And that has nothing to do with your mom?”

 

“It does, but it mostly has to do with you, with Raven and Sirius. And it isn’t a new feeling, I have noticed it has been here for quite some time.” Lexa said and Clarke’s eyebrows jumped a little in surprise.

 

“Really?” Clarke asked, letting her arms hang loosely around Lexa’s neck.

 

“Yes, I remember feeling it when this beautiful blonde woman burst into my tent and slapped me across the face.” Lexa said, feeling fuzzy with happiness when she heard Clarke chuckle in response.

 

“God Lex,” Clarke said as she cupped Lexa’s cheeks. “I am so sorry about that, I should have never done that.”

 

“I was just so happy to see you were alive and well, I had been so concerned my mind couldn’t quite keep up with what was happening. And you left the tent so quickly… I wasn’t sure if I had imagined it or not, but there was this little sting in my cheek to remind me it had been real and you were okay.” Lexa whispered, leaning in to press her lips against the blonde’s. Clarke smiled and traced the back of Lexa’s neck with her finger tips, knowing the Commander loved the gesture.

 

“You do know I will never touch you like that again, right?” Clarke said pointedly and Lexa nodded, nuzzling her nose with the blonde’s. “Good.”

 

“How did the meeting go?” Lexa asked, stepping away from Clarke but letting their hands hang clasped together in the middle.

 

“Good, the Nomads have been successfully kept in line by the mines so the Chiefs now are worried about how long that’s gonna last, even more so because winter has already started taking over the spring months. I imagine our people didn’t plan for such a long winter, will we have enough food?” Clarke asked.

 

“I believe so.” Lexa said. “Long winters are not uncommon, so we always try to prepare more than what is actually needed just in case. Still, the snow has been less and less in the last couple of days, give it a week maybe two and it will have stopped altogether.”

 

The Commander moved closer and tucked a loose strand of blond hair behind Clarke’s ear.

 

“Thank you for taking care of these matters for me.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled.

 

“No need for that, I am happy to help where I can.” Clarke said, leaning in to kiss Lexa gently. “You already do too much.”

 

“I need you to know I value what you are doing, the burden of my duty feels lighter now and I don’t think I have ever felt this light, not since I became Heda.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded, quietly accepting Lexa’s gratitude. “At the same time I don’t want you to feel like this is something you have to do, you can stop if you wish to, you could take time to yourself to do things you enjoy and that would be perfectly okay as well.”

 

“Well Heda,” Clarke said as she grabbed Lexa by the front of her coat and let their lips meet in the middle. “I very much enjoy kissing you and to do it I need you to be less busy and for that I need to help you out, so really, it is a win win situation.” Clarke said, but still the small smile on Lexa’s lips was being accompanied by the pull of concerned brows.

 

“You are sure? Is this not too much for you? Aren’t you tired?”

 

“I am okay, I promise.” Clarke said, letting herself fall into Lexa’s embrace. The Commander hugged her gently, her arms strong and protective around Clarke’s body.

 

“Imagine how it is going to be when Raven starts helping with these kinds of things too, who knows, maybe you will even be able to take a day off.” Clarke said, humming contently at the smooth smell of fresh air and leather that seemed to come off of Lexa’s skin.

 

“I am not sure I would know how to do that.” Lexa said, stepping away from Clarke, “Please, do not allow me to keep you any longer, I know you have important matters to attend to.”

 

“Please, keep me for as long as you need to. I am not excited to spend the rest of the afternoon working with my mother.” Clarke said, holding onto Lexa’s waist and turning her around so the Commander had her back against the wall. “Although, this is also my chance to make a good impression on your mother.” Clarke said and Lexa smiled.

 

“She will love you.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yes.” Lexa said strongly and Clarke’s blue eyes seemed to get brighter.

 

“Don’t you think she will have a problem with me being an alpha?” Clarke asked, feeling just a little worried.

 

“Why would that matter to her?”

 

“I don’t know, maybe because if an argument got too heated things could go wrong, or maybe because there is a high chance of one of us dying if we get each other pregnant, which means that it is very unlikely for us to have children?” Clarke said tentatively, worry filling her stomach as she saw the frown on Lexa’s face.

 

“Am I the kind of alpha that would let an argument turn me into a mindless beast?”

 

“No, but-”

 

“Are you?”

 

“No, but Lexa, it is in our nature. Our kind fits better with omegas and that’s how it goes.” Clarke said, moving away from Lexa’s personal space. 

 

“Loving is also in our nature and I feel like we are compatible in all the ways that matter, Clarke. Maybe we won’t have children of our own, but why would that matter? We can take in homeless children, we both know the war has left many of them, kids like Robin. You might not trigger my rut and I might not trigger yours but I am satisfied and happy with our sexual life, I enjoy being intimate with you and I enjoy always having a clear head to be able to experience it all and feel it all and choose what I want to do and how I am going to do it without having all this over excitement that borders on painful when in rut…” Lexa said, trailing off as she took Clarke’s hands in her own and brought them up to her lips. “Yes, I know that ruts are easier to handle with omegas, we are both alphas and we know that, it is a fact, but a rut comes once every three months for just a couple of days, what about the rest of the year?” Lexa said and Clarke could only shrug her shoulders.

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“The rest of the year I need someone who fills my heart and my mind with joy, that’s all I really need. I don’t need company during my ruts, I can handle them on my own, what I want and need is someone that brightens my days, all of them, no matter what my body may be craving.” Lexa said, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind Clarke’s ear. “You happen to do all of those things, you and Raven, and I am sure you know she does not make me happy because she is an omega.”

 

Clarke looked away and Lexa’s back straightened at once, her posture getting tense and tight.

 

“Clarke, you do know I do not love Raven because she is an omega?”

 

“Yes, I know that. I am sorry I am just feeling a little weird right now. Your mom is here and I know it doesn't really matter if she likes me or not, we are married and we love each other, but I know how much she means to you and I want her to like me and alpha-alpha relationships are not the most accepted and I don’t want your relationship with her to get as difficult as mine with my mom.” Clarke said.

 

“They are not the most accepted in Skaikru.” Lexa clarified. “Among the clans no one takes that into account because no one has time to ponder on those things and people know it is not their concern. My mother is not going to care you are an alpha, she is not going to care we might not have children of our own, she will see that you love me and that you have brought immense joy to my life.”

 

“And if she doesn’t?”

 

“Then I will love you harder, just because I can. You told me I didn’t need your mother’s approval, you reassured me when I was most worried about it and now it is no different. You do not need her approval, just be you and we will be okay.” Lexa said. The Commander curled her arm around Clarke’s neck, bringing her close and burying her hand in soft blonde locks.

 

Clarke leaned into the contact with a contented sigh, nosing at the hollow of Lexa’s neck and closing her eyes.

 

“We fit well together, don’t we?” Clarke said, not really waiting for Lexa’s answer before she continued talking. “The three of us, you and I, you and Rae, even her and I, we are good to each other, right?”

 

“Yes, sometimes it is difficult, but I believe things will be easier with time, we will find a way to work together. And we may have difficult times ahead of us but at the end of the day I have no regrets, just two beautiful women to be thankful for. The world has given me more than I could ever dream to deserve.” Lexa said quietly as she leaned her head on Clarke’s, catching just a little bit of the sweet smell coming from her hair.

 

“I disagree, no one deserves to be happy more than you do, and one day Raven and I are going to convince you of that.” Clarke said pressing a long kiss to Lexa’s lips before pulling away. “I really need to go now but tonight, tonight we are gonna spend some time together, yes?”

 

“Of course, wife.” Lexa said with a smile. “Have a good day.” 

 

The Commander watched Clarke walk away with Ash trailing quietly after her. Lexa had been so wrapped up in her conversation with the blonde she hadn’t noticed the young wolf. Lexa saw promise in the animal, Ash was quiet and smart, too well behaved for her age and her almost permanent state of calm would serve the blonde well, it would help steady her just like Bouda helped Lexa. 

 

“Heda.” Octavia said after clearing her throat. She had been there all through Lexa’s conversation with Clarke. She was the Commander’s Second, she was supposed to be with her at all times but as soon as she noticed the Commander’s intentions towards the blonde she had been sure to stay back and give them some privacy, which was easier given that the two alphas had retreated into a dark corner.

 

“Yes?”

 

“While you were busy with Clarke someone reached out from Polis through the radio, it was Robin and it sounded important.” Octavia said and the Commander nodded. 

 

“Reach out to him and tell him that I will talk to him in an hour, I must speak to Raven right now. Also, go to my rooms and take the maps of the Trikru territory.”

 

“Of course Heda, may I ask why?”

 

“We are leaving winter so the soldiers we have protecting the border will be moved to other places depending on where they are needed and as my Second you need to know these kinds of things.”

 

“I will go get them right away and I will look for you at Raven’s work place after.” Octavia said, turning away after the Commander gave her a court nod.

 

………………………………..

 

“This is not where I expected to find you.” Lexa said after finding her very pregnant wife walking around the armory.

 

Raven perked up at once, moving away from what she was doing to look at Lexa.

 

“How did it go with your mom?” Raven asked and Lexa just smiled. “Yes!” The mechanic said, walking towards the Commander as fast as she could and hugging her tight.

 

“She does not blame me for Gustus’ death.”

 

“Because it wasn't on you.” Raven said like it was obvious. “I knew it, I knew she would just be happy to see you.”

 

“Yes, you truly know best.” Lexa said. “That’s not a surprise, the Skaikru probably wouldn’t be able to survive without you.”

 

“Damn right. Did you tell Clarke already?” Raven said as she pulled away from Lexa and kept looking around the armory.

 

“Yes, her meeting was a few rooms away from the place where I talked to my mother so I was able to reach her quickly, you on the other hand… I spent quite some time looking for you, what are you doing here?” Lexa asked, being in a place filled to the brim with many different types of guns wasn’t exactly a place where she preferred to be.

 

“Looking for this.” Raven said as she finally found what she was looking for. Lexa took the item in her hands.

 

“A vest?”

 

“Yes, a bulletproof vest.” Raven said and Lexa turned to look at her with a small frown.

 

“You are not going anywhere, you will not step a foot out of this mountain until the Nomad issue is resolved.” Lexa said at once, putting a hand protectively on Raven’s belly.

 

“Relax, it is not for me, it’s for you. You may have to go fight at the border again soon and this would keep you from getting killed, I will just feel better knowing you are wearing this next time you are out there.” Raven said and Lexa brought her closer, rubbing her back gently to try and calm Raven’s worries.

 

“Do not worry, winter will end soon and with it the threat of the Nomads should go away.” Lexa whispered and still Raven cupped her cheeks and looked into her eyes.

 

“You are wearing that vest, Heda.” Raven said, leaving no room for discussion. “It is a demand from your wife.”

 

“I will wear it, some extra protection is never bad, what I mean is that you should not be worried, things will be better soon.” Lexa said and Raven shook her head lightly, brushing her thumb below Lexa’s ear.

 

“I know you still can’t hear very well and that your side is still sore, my weapons did that. Do you know how I would have felt if one of my bombs had killed you?” Raven asked and Lexa frowned in concern at the sadness she could see in Raven’s eyes. “The Nomads might have been the ones trying to kill you and Octavia might have been the one that threw the bombs, but at the end of the day I was the one that gave her those bombs to begin with.”

 

“And a whole town might have been slaughtered if we hadn’t had those bombs.” Lexa said, trying to make Raven understand that they only had done the best they could with the circumstances they were facing. “It is a relief to know you no longer wish to kill me.” Lexa said with a smile on her face, Raven looked back at her with confusion not knowing what Lexa was talking about. 

 

The Commander reached up to touch her own neck, her fingers tracing over the light scar on her neck where Raven had pressed her knife and threatened to end her life.

 

“Oh.” Raven said, realization dawning on her quickly as she returned Lexa’s smile and leaned forward to press a kiss over the faint scar. “In my defense I really hated your guts back then.” Raven said and Lexa’s smile only got wider in amusement.

 

“Really? I couldn’t tell.” Lexa said her tone teasing and Raven laughed.

 

Once she calmed down Raven looked up at Lexa, the Commander was looking at her with soft eyes and a charming smile. Seeing that, Raven could only think about Clarke and what she had said about Lexa loving her, and how could she think anything different when Lexa looked at her like that?

 

“We have come a long way, haven’t we?” Raven said as Lexa traced her jaw with her fingertips.

 

“Well, do you still hate my guts?” Lexa asked, repeating Raven’s exact words. The omega chuckled, she would never have enough of this light and playful side of Lexa. She could only wish to see it more often.

 

“No, I no longer hate your guts. I would actually love for them to stay where they are, so you are wearing this.” Raven said, wiggling her eyebrows with a big smile as she held the vest in her hands. “I think you would look really hot in it too, you could walk around only in the vest, I wouldn’t be mad.” 

 

Lexa laughed with her eyes a little wide in surprise and Raven felt the stupid butterflies that wouldn’t leave her alone go crazy inside her stomach. She made Commander Lexa laugh, how many people could actually say that?

 

Lexa’s laughter died down slowly, she took the vest from Raven’s hands and let it fall to the floor so it wouldn’t get in the way. Then she brought Raven close, pressing soft kisses to the side of her face and fondly caressing her lower back, close to where the scar on Raven’s skin was located.

 

“We have come a long way Raven, and I promise you I will always wear the vest.”

 

“Good.” Raven said, pressing her lips against Lexa’s for a few seconds before pulling away. “Do you think you have time to go get something to eat with me? I am starving.”

 

Lexa figured Polis could wait a few more minutes and nodded, taking Raven’s hand in her own and interlocking their fingers as they walked out of the armory.

 

………………….

 

That night Clarke got back to their room to find Raven eating on her own, Vulcan was lying down on their massive bed chewing on one of Lexa’s boots, Clarke smiled in amusement and left him alone.

 

“Hey Rae, how was your day?” Clarke asked as she sat down besides the omega and started filling her plate with some food.

 

“Good, Sirius has been moving around a lot today.”

 

“Really?” Clarke said with a smile and Raven nodded.

 

“Yeah, come feel.” Raven said, taking Clarke’s hand and placing it on her belly.

 

“I don’t feel anythi- oh! there it is!” Clarke said feeling the movement under her palm. “That’s great, Rae.” Clarke said and Raven felt the baby kick harder.

 

“I think he likes your voice, he kicked me harder when you started talking.” Raven said and Clarke looked up at her with a smile, taking her hand away.

 

“Or maybe he’s annoyed by it.” Clarke said and Raven rolled her eyes.

 

“I doubt it, no one can hate that husky voice.” Raven said with a smirk. “It’s quite sexy.” She said pensively. “I bet it gets Lexa going in no time.”

 

“Of course you had to go there. Thanks for the compliment, though.”

 

“No problem. Where is our dearest wife?” Raven asked.

 

“Don’t know, haven’t seen her all afternoon.”

 

“Weird, she should be back by now.”

 

Almost as she had been summoned, Lexa came through the door wearing an expression that put both of her wives on edge. She moved towards the table but didn’t sit down.

 

“I am leaving to Polis tomorrow morning.” Lexa said, her voice held no hesitation.

 

“What?” Raven snapped at once. “Polis is two days away on horse, it is snowing, less but still snowing and the Nomads have been insistently attacking us for the past couple of weeks, which reminds me that you can still hear barely anything out of one ear and that your side is still sensitive. You are in no position to travel, you are just asking to get yourself killed.”

 

“I agree.” Clarke said, and Raven turned to look at her, giving her a small nod in thank you for backing her up.

 

“Robin reached out to tell me that he no longer wishes to be flamekeeper, that is a dangerous position to be in. It would mean that I would have to look for someone else and because that takes time I would have to take Titus back in the meantime, which would also postpone his execution. I wasn’t able to change Robin’s mind over the radio, but I am hoping that by going there and talking to him I will get him to stay.” Lexa said, looking at both of her wives with a serious expression. “This is important and I must go.”

 

Clarke and Raven looked at each other for a minute, not saying anything before nodding.

 

“Okay, when do we leave?” Raven asked.

 

“I leave tomorrow, both of you are staying.”

 

“What?” Clarke snapped, her pheromones flared and Raven internally cursed.

 

“Raven is pregnant and you are the target of an attack, taking you with me would be exposing you to danger.” Lexa said.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Clarke said, squeezing her fists and looking at Lexa with anger in her eyes. “You are always a fucking target, same as me, I am Wanheda remember? None of us will ever be safe. You can’t force me to stay here.” Clarke said getting into Lexa’s personal space with shoulders pulled back, chest puffed out and flared nostrils. “You can’t force me to do anything.”

 

Raven saw it in Lexa’s face, she saw the very unusual way in which Clarke’s words and stance affected her. The omega saw as Lexa’s teeth were bared in a snarl and her jaw tightened dangerously.

 

“Do you want to test that theory?” Lexa growled out, taking a step forwards into Clarke’s space and using the inch she had on her to reaffirm her dominance.

 

_ Shit, shit, shit.  _ Raven cursed, her mind working fast to think why Lexa was being so susceptible to Clarke’s challenge. The Commander was challenged on a daily basis by Chiefs, generals and warriors with a poor grip on their alphas and Lexa barely reacted to it, but in that moment with Clarke she was snapping.

 

Then it hit her, and Raven suddenly felt like face palming herself. Lexa’s last rut came during the beginning of winter and now it was the beginning of spring, three months had past and the Commander’s rut would probably hit again soon, with Clarke’s own coming just a few weeks later.

 

_ Shit, shit, shit. _

 

Raven put a hand on Lexa’s chest and another on Clarke’s, trying very hard to ignore the powerful waves of dominant pheromones that were being released all over the room.

 

“Okay, why don’t we calm down and talk about it?” Raven tried and was blatantly ignored by the two alphas that were currently caught in a glaring contest.

 

Raven thought about her possibilities, who would she be able to persuade easier? The alpha, or the pure blood alpha?

 

_ Well, damn.  _ Raven thought, and figured that she had better odds with Clarke.

 

The omega moved directly in between the alphas, giving her back to Lexa and hearing the alpha let a low growl behind her as she reached up to cup the blonde’s cheeks.

 

“Hey Griff,” Raven said, patting one of Clarke’s cheeks gently, “Why don’t we go outside for a second?” She asked, releasing wave after wave of comforting pheromones and hoping that it would help both alphas calm down.

 

Clarke didn’t relax her stance, but her eyes did move from Lexa’s to Raven’s. After seeing the pleading look on the omega’s eyes and being assaulted by her pheromones the blonde was able to give her a short nod, but didn’t move away from her position until Raven physically pulled her outside the room. 

 

“I can’t believe just this morning I was telling you how much I loved the way she respected me, did you see what she just did? She was fucking threatening me to make me submit to her.” Clarke said, outraged. Raven squeezed her hand with sympathetic eyes.

 

“I am sure she loves and respects you, it just might be a little hard for her to show that now. It’s been 3 months Clarke, she will probably enter rut soon.” Raven said, watching as Clarke realized what was going on at once.

 

“Oh.” Clarke said. “If hers is close that means mine is not too far either. With all this snow I really didn’t think so much time had passed.”

 

“Relax Griff,” Raven said as she saw Clarke getting a little upset about her own outburst. “We will get Lexa on suppressants right away and once her passes we will start you on suppressants and I will be here playing buffer in case any of you goes completely insane, which I doubt because you two are the most decent alphas I know, but still, just in case.”

 

“And what will we do about her sudden need to leave the Mountain?” Clarke asked.

 

“We will convince her to take you with her.” Raven said, like it was a very simple thing to achieve.

 

“And you?” Clarke asked and Raven huffed.

 

“She’s entering rut, she is not going to let her very pregnant omega wife walk into danger. She wouldn’t do it in a regular day, much less while in rut.”

 

“But she promised she wouldn’t do this again because of the mate sickness.” Clarke said, letting her hand rest on Raven’s arm with a concerned expression on her face.

 

“Yes, but let’s be real, there is people running around with guns trying to kill us, it’s still snowing and the trip to Polis takes a while, besides the fact that the trees aren’t exactly full of leaves which means very little cover and in turn screams ambush.” Raven said, shaking her head gently. “I am pregnant and I care about Lexa more than I can say, but I honestly care more about the baby. I know that if anything happens, even one small hit and I might lose him and we would be far away from Abby. I think I will take the mate sickness over the stress of putting Sirius in danger.”

 

“Wow.” Clarke said, looking very surprised. “But aren’t you worried about me being with her alone?”

 

“What would you guys do that you don’t do already?” Raven said with a small smile. “You are her wife too, and I supported that decision, I support your relationship with her-”

 

“But?” Clarke asked.

 

“But nothing, I have to work things out and I think this will also help to that in a way.” Raven said and Clarke looked back at her looking very unsure.

 

“But that time we spent the night at Arkadia you got all-”

 

“I know, I know.” Raven said, letting out a loud sigh and looking up at the ceiling before returning her gaze to Clarke. “But I have been working on it-”

 

“Just this morning you were-”

 

“Clarke, please.” Raven said, pleading with her eyes. “I am pregnant, I am responsible for a life other than my own. I am not thrilled about you getting to have our super hot wife all to yourself for a prolonged period of time, but I care about Sirius more than I am unreasonably jealous, I guess.”

 

“I’m hearing you and I think that’s very big of you and I admire that, I just don’t want you to be upset.” Clarke said, her eyes wide with concern. “I also don’t want you to be here alone while going through the mate sickness, I think it’s better that I stay to take care of you and make sure you don’t have such a hard time.”

 

Raven smiled wide, touched by Clarke’s concern.

 

“I’d really like that, believe me I would. However, I think Lexa will need you more, she will be going through rut and mate sickness at the same time. I can be here and complain and cry and have all our friends keeping my hair out of the vomit, while our dear wife can’t show weakness so she would have to go through it on her own.” Raven said, placing a hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “To make it short, she needs you to keep her from choking with her own vomit.”

 

“But who exactly would take care of you here? Octavia is probably coming with us and my mom has not being the nicest person.”

 

“I’d be happy to help.” Said a voice coming from the end of the corridor and both Clarke and Raven realized that it probably wasn’t the best idea to talk on such a public place. Luckily that night Octavia was the only person standing by their room.

 

“Caia.” Raven said, not knowing how to feel about the prospect of Lexa’s mother taking care of her. “You came here to learn, I wouldn’t want to get on the way of that.”

 

“I am sure the Commander won’t be gone long while you remain here, and apart from our small group the rest of the healers haven’t been able to come here because of the weather. I will be able to catch up with them once they get here.” The woman said, her voice gentle and her eyes caring. “It would be an honor to look after you, Houmon kom Heda.”

 

“That is actually a very good idea.” Clarke said, knowing that they could trust Lexa’s mother. “Why don’t you come inside and talk to Heda about this idea.” Clarke said, knowing that Lexa would be more easily persuaded to let Clarke go with her with her mother in the room.

 

“Sha, Wanheda.” Caia said, moving closer to them and entering the room once Clarke opened the door for her.

 

Inside they found Lexa pacing like a caged animal, breathing deeply and clenching and unclenching her fists. As soon as the alpha heard the door open she turned around, looking concerned and at the same time much calmer than before.

 

“Clarke-” Lexa said, stopping herself from speaking further when she saw who exactly was accompanying her wives.

 

“It’s fine, we will talk later. Right now I’d like you to hear out our proposal.” Clarke said, and Lexa seeing both her wives and her mother had no choice but to accept.

 

“I am listening.”

………………………..

 

Lexa lay in bed unable to sleep, she held Raven’s sleeping body gently in her arms, feeling the omega’s back press against her chest with every deep breath the she took in her sleep and still the alpha couldn’t seem to fall asleep.

 

“We will leave before sunrise tomorrow, you will be exhausted if you don’t try to rest.” Clarke whispered from Raven’s other side.

 

“What happened earlier… I am ashamed, I should have never said that to you.” Lexa said, feeling too upset with herself to open her eyes and risk meeting Clarke’s. “I regret it and I would take it back if I could. You are completely right, I can not and will not force you to do anything you do not wish to do.”

 

Clarke’s silence made a knot of concern log itself in the Commander’s throat, but it quickly dissolved once a gentle hand caressed Lexa’s side.

 

“I know that on a normal day you wouldn’t have said anything like that and I understand what being in rut does to you, because it does the same to me. It makes you more protective, possessive, volatile and angry. I know your reaction had more to do with you wanting to keep me safe and protected than with you wanting to reclaim your place as alpha. You got like that because even if I am not an omega, the possibility of me being in danger does not sit well with you.” Clarke said quietly.

 

“It angers me.” Lexa admitted, her voice strained as she tried to keep it all in. “Thinking about you going out there and getting hurt… usually it worries me, makes me restless, doesn’t let me sleep, but now, now it makes my blood feel like fire. I won’t lie to you Clarke, every vein in my body is telling me to make you submit to me and force you to stay here, safe and protected.”

 

“But you won’t do that.”

 

“No, never. Though, I will admit that fighting it has proven to be a challenge.” Lexa said. “If something happens to you-”

 

“We will be okay.” Clarke said, curling her arm around Lexa’s back and squeezing Raven between their bodies in the process.

 

“You will be.” Lexa said, her voice sure and steady. “I will make sure of that.”

 

And her words made Clarke feel both safe and scared.

 

……………………..

 

“Promise me you will reach out everyday.” Raven demanded as she clutched Lexa’s coat between her fingers. The alpha hadn’t left and Raven already felt sick.

 

“I will.” Lexa said, looking at Raven with her brows pinched with worry. The alpha caressed gently Raven’s cheek, rubbing her thumbs over the soft skin. “I promise. I don’t believe I can spend a day without hearing your voice.”

 

“Yes, you can.” Raven said with a snort, but at the same time smiling at Lexa’s sweet words.

 

“Yes, I can.” Lexa said, basking in Raven’s indignant expression before smiling. “But I do not  _ want _ to spend a day without hearing your voice.”

 

Raven grabbed the alpha by the neck and pulled her down into a deep kiss. What else could she do?

 

“I will be longing for your presence every single moment. Please, stay safe.” Lexa said and Raven nodded quickly, trying to keep Lexa from seeing how wet her eyes were getting.

 

The alpha was almost out the door when Raven stopped her.

 

“Lexa.” Raven said, and the Commander turned around slowly, almost like she feared that by seeing Raven one more time she wouldn't be able to leave.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I miss you already.” The omega said. Her words were quick, they burst right out of her mouth like a bullet. She wouldn’t have been able to keep them in if she tried.

 

The vulnerability, the feeling of having no control, all of it was worth it to Raven as she saw the Commander’s eyes get impossibly soft, the light green getting covered by a thin film of tears.

 

With two big steps the Commander was back in Raven’s space, pulling her close and holding her tight in her strong arms as she buried her face in the omega’s neck, breathing her in as deeply as she could.

 

“I already miss you, too.” Lexa whispered and Raven let herself melt into her embrace, filling her lungs with as much of the alpha’s scent and holding it until she couldn’t anymore. “I will be back soon, I promise.”

 

“Okay.” Raven said, pulling away and knowing that if she didn’t Lexa would never leave. She smoothed out the creases she had made on the Commander’s coat and moved forwards to press a short kiss to Lexa’s lips. “Be safe.” She whispered, giving Lexa a soft push to get her to walk out the door. The Commander nodded, her eyes wet and looking completely torn in half. A moment later she was gone.

 

“Goodbye, Rae.” Clarke said as she shouldered her backpack. The omega shook her head and pulled the blonde into a hug. “Just be back soon, Griff. And please, do not get your ass shot.”

 

“I won’t. We will be going there in the Rover so we should be there sooner, I will check in every hour to let you know we are safe, okay?”

 

“Yes, thank you. Just go before I make you both stay.” Raven said and Clarke nodded, leaving after giving the Mechanic a small smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess we all noticed that I am worse at updating during vacation, right? I am sorry, I really did sit to write many times, I just had a hard time getting it out even if I did know what I wanted to happen. Anyway, here it is, I feel quite unsure about it so tell me what you think in the comments.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: For suicide talk and suicidal thoughts. Skip the first section completely if this is triggering for you.
> 
> This is a very Clexa centric chapter, I feel like it needed to be this way, but of course you have the rigth to disagree. Just let me know in the Comments if you would like to know what was going on with Raven at the time this chapter takes place, or if you would just like me to continue with the plot as usual.

Clarke lifted her head from Lexa’s shoulder and looked up at her wife’s profile. The Commander wore a blank expression and seemed to be deep in thought; Clarke could not help herself and tried to start a conversation.

 

“We have taken trips on the Rovers a few times now and I have never asked you if you like it.” Clarke said and Lexa turned to look at her. The Commander’s eyes moved down to Clarke’s lips and then went back up to her eyes.

 

“I do not particularly enjoy it, it goes very fast and the seats back here are not too comfortable. When we go over a bump I am able to feel it too clearly, but it does work better than horses, if someone were to shoot at us the arrows would not be able to get through and now we make the trip in half of the time because this machine does not need to rest, it is faster… I prefer horses still, but this works better.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded, thinking for a second before speaking again.

 

“Do you miss it?” the blonde asked, and Lexa turned to look at her with a confused expression.

 

“Your horse, the one that died when you were escaping the cabin with Raven.” Clarke explained and the way Lexa’s expression fell was answer enough, they were on their own so the Commander had not even tried to hide her sorrow.

 

“Yes, he was a majestic beast. Anya chose him for me; she said that my stubbornness matched his and that we would be a perfect match.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled, gently caressing the Commander’s shoulder.

 

“Was she right?”

 

“Yes, he was loyal, strong and fiercely protective of me once we got close. Once, during a skirmish with the Azgeda near the border, he saved my life. Costia’s death was fresh and I was exhausted of everything, of being the Commander, of losing everything I cared about, so I was reckless.” Lexa said, shaking her head slightly as she looked away from Clarke. “Anya and Gustus worked hard to protect me, but it was difficult when I wasn’t really doing anything to protect myself. I remember falling down on the mud and staying there watching as the Azgeda warrior lifted his sword over his head to end my fight, I thought everything would be over when my horse suddenly came. I saw him stand on his hind legs and kick back the Azgeda warrior to later stomp on him with his strong legs; I imagine it must have been a rather unpleasant death.” Lexa said and Clarke looked up at her with sad eyes and a small smile.

 

The blonde reached up to cup Lexa’s cheek and bring her down for a soft kiss; she ran the pad of her thumb over Lexa’s sharp cheekbone and sighed in content.

 

“I am really happy he saved you.”

 

“Me too, I wouldn’t have met you if he hadn’t.” Lexa said, her eyes light and calm as she curled her arm around Clarke’s shoulder and held her close to her chest.

 

Clarke felt warmth spread across her chest as she tucked her head under Lexa’s chin and stayed there, basking in the feeling that came with being held in Lexa’s arms.

 

“Did you ever think about it?” Lexa asked and Clarke frowned a little, not really knowing what she was talking about.

 

“About what?”

 

“About ending it? About being free from the pain and joining those you love?” Lexa said and Clarke stayed quiet for a few minutes. Lexa thought the blonde wouldn’t respond when she suddenly heard her voice.

 

“Yes.” Clarke said, and Lexa couldn’t have imagined that hearing that answer would hurt as much as it did. She squeezed Clarke harder against her chest and kissed the top of her head. “I thought about it a lot after the mountain.”

 

“Why didn’t you?”

 

“I didn’t think I deserved to escape my pain. I don’t know what happens after, heaven, hell, maybe nothing at all. Either way I felt like I needed to stay, to suffer for what I had done.” Clarke said, she suddenly pulled away to be able to look into Lexa’s eyes. “I think that’s the thing about pain, it is never meant to last forever. Eventually, with time, it goes away, it shifts or it turns into something else, it gets mellower, it gets bearable. Maybe we adapt to it or we get stronger, whatever it is we just get to a point where we can handle it. It might have felt crippling and awful, but at some point, we get to breathe again. We just have to hold on, to resist until one day we don’t have to anymore.” Clarke said and Lexa offered her a short nod and a smile.

 

“If I hadn’t waited and I hadn’t resisted I wouldn’t have you today, I wouldn’t have gotten to taste this happiness. Back then, when what I did at the Mountain was still fresh and I couldn’t imagine that I would ever feel this good.” the blonde whispered. She was still smiling when Lexa leaned down to kiss her.

 

Their lips parted, but their faces were still awfully close. Clarke cupped the side of Lexa’s face and caressed the shell of her ear with her fingertips.

 

“I know you have thought of escaping your pain as well.” Clarke said, not daring to move away from Lexa, wanting to keep her as close as possible and never let go.

 

“I have, I’ve just never entertained the thought of doing it myself.” Lexa said, trusting Clarke enough to look at her in the eye as she spoke. “I used to believe the Spirit had chosen me and that because of that my life wasn’t my own, it belonged to the spirit and to my people, so my death could never be my choice… But Death and I, we have always been close, I have felt it many times and sometimes I have wanted to surrender to it.”

 

“Like during your duel with Roan?” Clarke asked and her face clouded with sadness.

 

“Especially then.” Lexa said and once more Clarke felt awful for telling Lexa about the nature of the spirit. “I have suffered and I have failed many times during my rule, maybe I haven’t made as many mistakes as my predecessors or maybe I have and I am only different because I have known how to fix them. I always got back up and fought because the spirit had chosen me and knowing that made me feel worthy, made me feel strong. Most of all, it made me feel that all the pain and the loss had a bigger purpose, but then…”

 

“Then you found out that the flame wasn’t what you thought it was.” Clarke provided and Lexa nodded, gently tangling her fingers on Clarke’s blonde tresses as she caressed her scalp.

 

“Yes, it made everything feel pointless.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded in understanding, tilting her head up just slightly to trace Lexa’s nose with her own. The Commander smiled, basking in the gentle caress as she leaned down to press her lips against Clarke’s.

 

“You have never allowed us to talk to you about the flame before, why now?”

 

“Because I no longer feel like everything is pointless. I have you, I have Sirius, I have Raven, and I might loath my position for what it has taken from me, but I can’t deny it has brought me wonderful things too. I wouldn’t have met you if I wasn’t Heda, and even if I had maybe we wouldn’t connect the way we do if we hadn’t gone through all these moments that makes us who we are today.” Lexa said, one of her hands searched for Clarke’s and their fingers interlocked, fitting perfectly.

 

“You probably wouldn’t have had to enter a political marriage if you weren’t Heda, either.” Clarke said, her eyes happy, her chest filling with joy.

 

“Exactly.”

 

“When did this happen? Don’t get me wrong, I am happy this is how you feel now, I’ve just been really worried about this subject in particular and not been able to talk about it before had been making me a little anxious.”

 

“I started thinking about it after the lake fight, after Raven asked me if I had been afraid. After that I talked to you-”

 

“You said you weren’t afraid about your death, but that you feared ours.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Yes, and that continues to be true. Death is part of life, makes it meaningful, things have no meaning if you have nothing to lose. I didn’t have anything to lose before, if I died someone else would ascend and be Commander and that would be it, but now I have many things to lose, now I mean something outside my duty. Now I am Lexa, Clarke’s houmon, Sirius’ mother, Raven’s wife.” Lexa said, catching a tear that was falling down Clarke’s cheek with her thumb. “So no, I am still not afraid of dying, I respect death, but I am very, very unwilling to die and I pretend to avoid it for as long as I can.”

 

“I am very happy to hear that.” Clarke said, curling her body around Lexa’s and hugging her tight, enjoying her warmth, feeling the shape of her body so alive and healthy pressed against hers. “There’s just one thing I think you got wrong.”

 

“Tell me, Clarke.” Lexa said, her arms protectively curled around the blonde’s back.

 

“You always meant something. You were Lexa, Costia’s lover, Anya’s Second, Caia’s daughter. More than anything you have always meant something all on your own, you are Lexa, horse lover, wolf whisperer, bird healer. You are Lexa, smart, kind, caring, strong, beautiful. Lexa, the one who enjoys swimming, the one who loves running, the one who not so secretly loves cuddles.” Clarke said with a smile, standing up to straddle Lexa’s lap. “You were always someone and you were always meaningful.”

 

Lexa looked back at Clarke, her face contorted in confusion, eyes blinking quickly.

 

“I had never thought of it, not like that.” Lexa said, still running Clarke’s words through her mind.

 

“And I am not surprised, Titus worked hard on making you feel guilty and unworthy about being and feeling anything that was outside of what he thought was proper for Heda. This is living proof of that.” Clarke said, sneaking a hand under Lexa’s shirt and touching gently the scars on her back, left by Titus punishment.

 

Lexa shuddered a little at the contact and let her head fall against Clarke’s chest. The blonde hugged her around her shoulders and pressed her head down on top of Lexa’s.

 

“You have always been worthy, meaningful, without your titles, without Raven and I. You have always been someone. You mean something all on your own.” Clarke whispered against Lexa’s head, gently caressing her back. “And you deserve to live just to be you.”

 

Clarke pulled back to be able to look down at Lexa. She saw in the Commander’s eyes that her words hadn’t fully settled that their concept and the meaning behind them was hard for the Heda to understand at once. However, Clarke was content with knowing Lexa had the words in her head and that they eventually would make sense to her, she would eventually understand.

 

The blonde smiled down at her partner and leaned in to kiss her, their lips pressing together gently, moving in synchrony as they held each other close.

………………

 

“Heda, Wanheda, welcome back.” Eiza said as she saw the Commander enter her rooms with Clarke by her side.

 

“Eiza, it is good to see you.” Clarke said, giving the handmaiden a small smile. The girl blushed a little and nodded.

 

“It is important that you tell us how things have been around here lately, we trust you have kept your eyes wide open, yes?”

 

“Of course. The Ambassadors have been restless, the communications with their clans has been mostly cut off, some of them tried to send riders, but most of them had to turn back or to take refuge on the near villages. There are others who didn’t make it back, we don’t know if they made it to their home clan or if they were lost to the inclement weather. So things at the tower have been tense and quiet, some of the ambassadors were talking among each other about the extra resources the Coalition gave Azgeda and Skaikru for the winter, they knew they couldn’t outright deny your request but they do not seem happy about it, much less when the winter lasted for so long. If it hadn’t stopped when it did their clans probably wouldn’t have had the resources they needed because they were forced to give them away.” Eiza said, Clarke frowned in concern and turned to look at Lexa.

 

“Do not worry, that was to be expected. I will handle it.” Lexa said, placing a calming hand on Clarke’s shoulder. “What else?”

 

“The Ambassadors from the Glowing Forest, Shallow Valley, BlueCliff and Ice Nation also seemed concerned about the lack of attacks on their borders from the Nomads. They know it is possible the reports had just failed to get to them because of the weather, but they still think it is unusual that their borders haven’t been attacked the same way Trigedakru’s border was. The Ice Nation Ambassador seemed particularly concerned about it, taking into account that they share an entire border with the Dead zone and not only parts of it like Trikru.” Eiza said and Clarke and Lexa gave each other look. The lack of attacks on the Ice Nation from the Nomads only served to confirm the possible alliance between Azgeda and the Nomads.

 

“After we finish speaking send riders towards the Ice Nation, I want King Roan here as soon as possible.” Lexa said, her tone steady and clear. Eiza nodded and proceeded to continue talking.

 

“The Nightbloods have continued with their training, the best generals and scouts we have continued to teach them battle tactics and the like, while Titus has been able to give them one lesson a day accompanied by guards at all times. Which leads me to the reason of your return Heda. A few days ago, Robin left one of Titus lessons early, Titus was enraged, screamed at the boy as he made his way outside the room, telling him that he would never be a true Flamekeeper, that he wasn’t capable of it. Since then Robin has only been assisting to physical training, english class and clan management.” Eiza said and Lexa nodded, wondering exactly what Titus had told the young boy. 

“Eiza, please tell Robin his Heda wishes to speak to him, as soon as they are done with that talk prepare Heda’s rooms, soon her rut will hit in full.” Clarke ordered, and without questioning, the woman left.

 

Clarke moved close to Lexa, placing a hand on her arm before looking up at her.

 

“I take you wish to speak with him in private?” Clarke said and Lexa nodded, placing her hands on Clarke’s arms and rubbing up and down gently.

 

“I do. I will tell you all about it tonight.” Lexa said, leaning in to rest her forehead against Clarke’s.

 

“If someone can convince him to stay is you.” Clarke said, nudging her nose against the Commander’s. Lexa smiled a little and curled her arms around Clarke’s waist, pulling her a little bit closer.

 

“I don’t know if I want to. If he is not going to be happy here, I wouldn’t want him to be miserable for the rest of his life…”

 

“I know and I love you for that.” Clarke said leaning in to press a soft kiss to the Commander’s lips. “I know you will know what to do, you always do.”

 

There was a knock on the door and Clarke took that as her sign to leave, she met Robin on the way out and was a little surprised to see what the months of training had done to his body. The lanky boy whose skin stuck to his bones was gone and now in front of her was a boy with fuller cheeks and big eyes, sporting subtle layers of healthy muscle that Clarke knew would continue to grow if he kept training. The blonde smiled at him in passing before losing sight of him.

 

“Heda.” Robin said, his eyes lowered as he bowed to her.

 

“Robin.” Lexa said, giving him a court nod in response. He came further inside the room and Lexa invited him to seat on the nearest sofa, while she sat right in front of him. “Speak true.” She said, wanting to be done and over with the conversation as soon as possible.

 

“I no longer wish to be Flamekeeper.” He said, his voice clear and holding no doubt. Still, his eyes held shame over disappointing the Commander and that was something Lexa could see clearly in his face.

 

“Why? You weren’t able to express yourself clearly over the radio.”

 

“I think I didn’t understand what being Flamekeeper entailed. When you told me I could take this position I assumed I would be your advisor, that I would help caring for and training the Nightbloods. And yes, I knew that I would have to learn about the spirit, that I would have to learn to worship it and respect it, but now Titus is finishing his teachings about the spirit, about the ritual of ascension and about the conclave, and I do not believe I can do what it would be required of me.” Robin said and Lexa looked at him with confusion, not grasping what exactly Robin didn’t believe himself capable of doing.

 

“What specifically can’t you do?”

 

“Choose the Flame over someone’s life. Titus told me that a Flamekeeper’s only purpose is to make sure the Flame has the best available host. He told me that sometimes the host would be worthy at the beginning but with time the fragile body of a human grows weak, and that I should be able to pinpoint when exactly the host is no longer worthy so I can take matters into my own hands in case nature doesn’t take care of it on its own. He told me that a Commander that went against his teachings was a Commander that went against the Flame and that I have to make sure that his teachings live on and that the Flame continues to be passed on at all costs.” Robin said, looking up at Lexa, his gaze steady.

 

Robin ran a hand through his short hair, letting his calloused palm rub the back of his neck as he thought about what he would say next.

 

“I know I am young Heda, but I do not believe myself to be naive or stupid. I know what he was implying and I know you can see it too. He might not have said it with words but he meant to say that I should be ready to betray and to kill the reigning Commander if they dare to go against his teachings, if they become weak. I am not sure I can do that, much less when I believe the Flame has made mistakes in the past when choosing a Commander.” Robin said and Lexa did her best to keep herself impassive. She kept her face contorted into a blank expression, holding back her feelings in regards of what Robin was saying.

 

“You believe the Spirit of the Commander has chosen wrongly in the past?” Lexa asked and Robin looked away. Lexa could see he was nervous, afraid of answering.

 

“Yes, Heda. I believe the Flame has made mistakes.” Robin said and Lexa nodded at him to continue. “In the 17 summers I have lived there have been three Hedas, Heda Rollo, who had been elected 2 years before my birth. I cannot remembering him but I can remember stories about him, he was drunk on power and he believed that his position as Heda allowed him to take everything he wanted, including unwilling omegas that had no choice but to be with him because of who he was. He was rash making decisions and was unable to look ahead, to make plans for the future, which lead to people starving during the winter and to families living in the streets. All he knew was violence and so he razed entire villages in his try to conquest more land for Trikru. Then came Heda Ryker, who had to do what he could with a weakened army and with an equally weakened people, I remember him very well, he was not cruel like Rollo was and he didn’t enjoy power because he wasn’t too sure what to do with it. In his tries to strengthen our armies, he tore apart families, taking everyone that was able and forcing them to fight, many children were left on their own, surviving on whatever the village could spare for them. Heda Ryker did what he could to fix Rollo’s mistakes, but he is still part of the reason your orphanage is full to the brim.” Robin said and Lexa knew he was only speaking true. She had met Heda Ryker, she had lived with him and he had taught her some of the most important lessons she needed. He had given the Clan some sense of stability after Rollo’s reign of terror, but still some of his decisions had made more harm than good and the evidence of that were all the kids around Robin’s age that had had to fend for themselves until her orphanages were established.

 

“That only leads me to the Conclave, Heda. How can a battle to death determine who is going to be a better leader? A fight like that is only a test of strength, how do you test the other three pillars? How do you know the person who wins the battle is wise or compassionate? The Flame obviously can’t tell who is compassionate, wise and strong if men like Rollo are chosen; he was neither wise, nor compassionate. He was cruel and if he had been any other man, if he hadn’t been Heda we would have had him tied to a tree and killed for forcing himself onto unwilling omegas.” Robin took a deep breath, knowing he had gotten a little heated and that he probably shouldn’t be talking to his Commander in such a manner. “I wanted to do this because I believe in you, Heda. However, I do not believe in the Flame, it has failed before and it may fail again. If being the Flamekeeper means that someday I will have to betray you, or threaten your life because you are not following Titus teachings… Then I don’t want to be the Flamekeeper.”

 

Lexa stayed quiet for a few minutes, thinking, processing. She was surprised by what Robin was telling her, by what he had been able to notice and by his lack of blind faith on their culture’s most important symbol. To the Trigedakru and later on to the rest of the Coaliton, being the Commander meant everything, the Spirit meant everything and no one dared going against it, but Robin, a young boy whose life had been ruined by the decisions of past Commanders had his eyes wide open and could exactly pinpoint how their faith had failed them. Lexa knew exactly how he felt.

 

The Commander stood up and slowly walked to a pitcher of water, drinking some of it to try to ease the knot in her throat before going back towards Robin and sitting in front of him. She was getting herself some time, trying to find something appropriate to say without revealing the secret about the Flame to someone else. Robin was a good kid, he was intelligent and apparently loyal, but Lexa still wasn’t sure about giving him such an important information.

 

“Robin, I am going to be as honest with you as I can be and for now that has to be enough, okay?” Lexa asked and the boy nodded. “The Flame is real; I feel it inside of me every single moment. I have dreams about things that happened years before I was born, things I did not experience but that one of my predecessors did. I hear the past Commanders speak to me in my sleep and sometimes when I am awake thoughts that do not belong to me filter into my mind. With meditation I am able to focus enough to talk to them sometimes, or to gain access to some of their knowledge, so I can tell you that the Flame is real.”

 

Robin nodded, and Lexa saw in his face how focused he was and just how intently he was looking back at her, hanging onto every word.

 

“Now, I must agree with you that the method in which we choose who the next Commander is going to be might not lead to the best choice. I do not know if the Flame really chooses its next bearer, if it somehow interferes in the fight and helps the person who ends up winning, or if maybe the fight is so the Flame can know who is the strongest, and that shall be the person who carries it. I can’t answer those questions, but I can tell you why it is a fight to the death.” Lexa said, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “All the Nightbloods are taught that they are worthy of their Nightblood, so in some level we all feel like we should be Commander, that we could be and that we are worthy, so losing might lead to anger, to envy and jealousy. Moreover, those feeling might lead to murder. Killing all the other Nightbloods during the conclave ensures that no one will be trying to usurp the throne and at the same time it shows the Flame that we are willing to give everything up for it, including those who grew up with us as brothers and sisters.” Lexa said.

 

Robin nodded, looking thoughtful. A horrible as it sounded it made sense, having an usurper in the throne would be dangerous and having people you consider family to worry about was a weakness Titus considered a Commander couldn’t be allowed to have.

 

“I imagine it also hardens you.” Robin said. “Killing your brothers and sisters, I don’t think I would ever be the same if I had to kill all the kids I grew up with at the orphanage.”

 

Lexa nodded, trying to keep memories of her own conclave from filtering into her mind. She would not have survived hurting Luna; if she had laid a hand on her, she would have lost a big part of herself.

 

“It does. It is something I haven’t been able to forget and it is something I will always feel guilty about, even if the law required those deaths.” Lexa said, staying silent for a few seconds before she began speaking again. “It is difficult for me to explain the Flame, and I don’t know if Titus already has explained this to you, but I will say it just in case he hasn’t. The Flame does not have the power to change the vessel, Robin. The Flame offers guidance, advice, it allows me to learn from the experience of my predecessors to try and not make the same mistakes they did. However, the way those experiences are analyzed depends on the eye of the beholder, depends on the vessel. Two people don’t look at the world the same way and two people do not listen to the Flame the same way, even if they are receiving the same information.” Lexa said and Robin looked back at her with confusion in his eyes.

 

“I am not sure I understand, Heda.”

 

“Let’s go back to the examples you gave, to Heda Rollo and Heda Ryker. Years ago my partner was kidnapped and murdered by the Queen of Azgeda, what do you think Heda Rollo told me to do when that happened?” Lexa asked and Robin didn’t have to think much to respond.

 

“Gather your armies, burn their villages to the ground.” The boy said and Lexa nodded.

 

“I was angry and I was hurt and all I wanted to do was to rip off the Ice Queen’s eyes with my bare hands. Nevertheless, I didn’t do that, what do you thing Heda Ryker told me? He who was so aware of his weakened army and who was working so hard to bring it back to his previous glory.”

 

“He probably said you couldn’t send your gona to die over one girl, that it would be selfish of you, to make your people bleed for your own sake.” Robin said after giving it some thought for a few minutes.

 

“Exactly. All the Hedas lived different things, all of them ruled differently and all of their knowledge lies within the Flame, but it is up to the vessel to decide what to do with that knowledge. If my need for vengeance had been deeper, if I had been selfish, if I hadn’t cared for the sake of my people I probably would have followed the thirst of blood that echoed in my brain, but I am not like that so I chose a different path. That is why Titus has been trying to teach you that noticing when the vessel grows weak, or when it is inappropriate is so important, because we would not want something as valuable as the Flame to fall into the hands of someone like Rollo again. To this day no one is entirely sure how Heda Rollo died, just that one day a handmaiden went into his rooms and found him lying in his own vomit, he often drank himself into a stupor so everyone assumed it was an accident, but who is to say that Titus didn’t do it himself? He knew that Heda Rollo was bleeding our Clan dry and as protector of the Flame he was required to find a better vessel.”

 

“You think Titus killed him?” Robin asked with wide eyes.

 

“I am not certain, I can’t be, but I don’t think it is a coincidence that Heda Rollo died only a week after Heda Ryker turned 10 summers old, you must know that no child under 10 can participate in the Conclave. Titus is many things, but he is not a fool. He knew he couldn’t get rid of Heda Rollo if none of the Novitiates were old enough to be Heda. I believe that as soon as Heda Ryker was old enough to rule Heda Rollo suffered a very unfortunate accident and Heda Ryker took Command right away because all the other Nightbloods were still too young to fight on the Conclave.” Lexa said and looking into Robin’s eyes intently. “If I were to die today only 3 of my Nightbloods would be able to fight in the Conclave. Aden is the eldest but he is still much younger than Ontari, the Ice Nation Nightblood that the Azplana raised, she should have been in my Conclave, not in Aden’s and we can only assume with which values the Azplana raised her. As Flamekeeper, you need to be smart, you need to know who to trust and take advantage of the power you have, would you be willing to risk someone as Ontari having the knowledge that lies within the Flame? Would you be willing to give her access to my thoughts, my battle strategies? Do you think she would use them to unite us, to bring peace as I did? What do you think she will do when with power of Heda she takes the Mountain for herself?”

 

Robin’s eyes only got wider and wider, his face going completely pale as his features contorted in horror.

 

“She would ruin everything you have achieved, Heda!” Robin said, his voice coming out between a yelp and a choke.

 

“Yes, she would. Because she wants power, because she probably hates the Trikru as much as her Queen did. The Flame can’t change her; the Flame can’t make her compassionate or wise, or strong. That’s why the Flamekeeper is so important, because he must raise the Nightbloods to be compassionate, wise and strong, so once the Conclave comes all of the Nightbloods may be good choices and so the Flame may aid them in becoming more compassionate, wiser, and stronger. The Flame can’t make those traits appear there if they aren’t there to begin with.” Lexa said, trying to make Robin understand. “That’s why when I took Command I made sure my novitiates spent as much time with me as they did Titus, because he is wise and he is strong, but he has no compassion and his views on being wise and strong are very limited. There are many of his views I do not agree with and I am still Heda, I have gone against his teachings and he hasn’t gotten rid of me because my ways have led us to success. He is teaching you things and you should listen carefully, because only by doing so you will be able to analyze his words and form your own opinion and that is what you will teach the Nightbloods, only what you believe is right while still protecting the Flame. I have made you see how important it is that the chosen Nightblood is a good one, but how you intervene to make sure the Flame does not fall into the wrong hands is up to you. No one will force you to use Titus methods and that is partly why he is so angry, why he never took a Second. He knows no one is going to do things exactly as he did and he is so close minded that he thinks his way is the only way, but we both know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.”

 

Lexa stopped to let the words settle, she could see her words turning in his head, she could see that he was overwhelmed and that most of what the Commander had told him were things that hadn’t occurred to him before.

 

“Does this mean that someday the ways of the Conclave could be changed to ensure that the chosen one has everything a Commander should have and not only strength?” Robin asked and Lexa sighed, giving him a short nodded.

 

“The ways of the Conclave can be changed, but timing must be right and now with the Coalition it is no longer up to Heda, because it is no longer a matter of who is going to lead Trikru next. The leaders of the rest of the clans would have to agree to the change and change is always difficult.” Lexa said. “We haven’t been at war for a few years now, but still the Ambassadors fight amongst each other over petty things like children would. They are not used to peace so they push each other, they anger each other and it is up to me to make sure it does not escalate from that. That change, going from war to peace has been difficult and it is still unstable, so as Heda, I must do what I can to make sure it does not fall apart, to make sure the idea of peace settles into their minds and stops being so unfamiliar. A couple of years after I became Heda I made sure Nightbloods were allowed to see their families, Titus fought against it strongly so I made it so the novitiates could see their families once a month.”

 

“But Heda, I haven’t seen anyone coming to see the Nightbloods.” Robin said with a frown.

 

“That’s what I am trying to make you see, I have spoken to the parents of each and every Nightblood that has come here since I took command and told them that they can come and visit their children. They have not come, none of them, because what I told them was foreign to them, because they need time to understand, because change can’t be made overnight, it has to be built. It is the same with the ways of the Conclave, I don’t want to think the children I raised will kill each other someday, but I know I can’t just demand the conclave to be changed, much less now.” Lexa said and Robin frowned in confusion.

 

“What do you mean much less now?” Robin said and Lexa gave him a little smile.

 

“I am about to have a child, what will the ambassadors think if I demand the change now? Months before my child is to be born, what if he is born with black blood?”

 

“They will think you are doing it for him, to make sure he will be safe.” Robin said and Lexa nodded.

 

“I can only work on the change of the conclave if Sirius bleeds red, if he ends up bleeding black I won’t be able to say anything without looking like I am doing it for him. Titus won’t support such a change so it would be up to you if you accepted to become Flamekeeper.” Lexa said and Robin nodded, looking away from Lexa. “You will be excused from your lessons for the rest of the day, take the time to think about what I’ve told you and if tomorrow you still feel like becoming Flamekeeper is not the best choice for you I will allow you to leave.”

 

“Mochof, Heda.” Robin said as he stood up. Lexa walked him to the door and watched him go.

 

Octavia watched the Commander, who looked quite tired. The conversation had been long and she didn’t understand why the Commander hadn’t taken the time to rest after the trip and left the conversation for the day after.

 

“Is there something you need, Heda?” Octavia asked and the Commander turned to look at her, as if she had just remembered she was there.

 

“You may tell Wanheda to come here, the handmaidens are about to serve us dinner. You may also turn in for the night, Octavia.”

 

“Sha, Heda.”

 

…………..

 

When Clarke entered their rooms, she found the table full of food that was getting cold, while the Commander stood by the balcony. The blonde walked towards her wife standing behind her and curling her arms around her middle so she could unclasp the pauldron and let it fall to the floor.

 

Lexa turned in the Clarke’s arms, offering her a weak smile and tilting her head up to place a soft kiss to the blonde’s forehead.

 

“Rough, wasn’t it?” Clarke said as she unclasped Lexa’s armor, placing pieces of it on a near chair.

 

“Worse than I expected, he doesn’t believe in the flame, or in the Conclave and his doubts are not baseless, they are actually the same doubts I have had for years and that I never dared to voice because as a Nightblood it simply wasn’t my place.” Lexa said, shaking her head and looking away with an expression that revealed how thorn she was.

 

“How can there be a Flamekeeper that doesn’t believe in the Flame?” Clarke asked, her brow furrowed, her eyes barely masking her worry.

 

“How can there be a Commander that doesn’t believe in the Commander Spirit?” Lexa asked and Clarke just looked at her.

 

“It doesn’t count, you believed in it when you took the Flame.”

 

“That might be the case, but still, I had doubts.” The Commander said. “I think I was able to explain why it is important, the Flamekeeper position and the Flame itself, but it would have been easier and it would have been more logical if I had told him about the nature of the flame.”

 

“Yes, but that’s something that you can’t share with anyone, not yet. What you told him will have to be enough and I am sure it was.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s face in her hands. The Commander smiled down at her and moved closer, placing a kiss on the blonde’s lips.

 

“Why don’t you eat and come to bed with me after?” Lexa offered, wanting to lay in bed holding her wife.

 

“You won’t have something?” Clarke asked, she was not surprised, but it still made her feel some concern.

 

“No, I am not too hungry. Go, I’ll be waiting for you in bed, maybe watching you will make me hungry.”

 

Clarke could do nothing but accept. She ate until she was full and then asked the handmaiden to take the leftovers away. She then went to the bathroom, washed her face and her teeth and took her clothes off, leaving her only in her underwear before climbing into bed with the Commander.

 

Clarke moved closer, wrapping an arm around the Commander’s waist and pulling her flush against her body, letting their legs interlock in the middle. Lexa’s lips tilted up slightly as she rested her forehead against Clarke’s chest.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarke asked, frowning a little when she felt Lexa pull away.

 

“No, I just want to focus on you.” Lexa said, pressing a soft kiss to the frown on Clarke’s face until it was gone.

 

“Do you want me to distract you?” Clarke asked with an arched eyebrow and Lexa shook her head.

 

“No, I just want be with you without our problems getting in the way. We both know there are hard days coming ahead of us.”

 

Clarke hummed in agreement as she closed her eyes for a second.

 

“There are always hard days coming ahead of us.” Clarke said and Lexa’s answering silence told her that the Commander had taken her words harder than she should have.

 

“You could have chosen a different life; I asked you if you were sure-”

 

“I am sure, Lexa! I do not regret my decision, far from it. I wouldn’t choose an easier life it means I don’t get to have you.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s face in her hands. The Commander moved closer and nudged Clarke’s nose with her own.

 

“Forgive me; I just want better for you, that’s all.” Lexa whispered and Clarke smiled at her.

 

“Don’t you see? To me there’s nothing better than this.” Clarke said, closing the inch between them as she took Lexa’s lips between her own.

 

A kiss that started short and chaste quickly escalated. Lexa nipped gently the blonde’s bottom lip, prompting her to part her lips wider and allow her in. Clarke hummed in content as soon as Lexa’s tongue brushed against her own, she let her hand move down Lexa’s strong back and sneak under her underwear, a second later she was palming the Commander’s behind, pulling her closer until she felt the Commander’s thigh slip between her legs.

 

Lexa felt shivers trail down her spine at the feeling of Clarke’s heat pressed against her skin. Soon enough the blonde started rolling her hips, grinding her center against Lexa’s muscled thigh. Lexa smiled, moving her lips down Clarke’s rosy cheek so she could mouth at her neck, sucking and nipping harder with every kiss, knowing she would leave a mark. She tasted the salt on Clarke’s skin on the tip of her tongue, she heard the soft grunts that fell from her mouth as she grinded against her thigh and couldn’t stop herself from freeing the alpha’s breasts from her bindings.

 

Lexa’s lips stayed latched onto Clarke’s neck while her hand moved down, kneading and massaging her breasts as she purposely avoided the pink bud on top. Clarke groaned and dragged her nails up Lexa’s back, making her wife hiss.

 

“That’s not how you please your wife, Heda.” Clarke whispered her tone breathy and low as she took Lexa’s hand in her own and pressed her calloused palm against her nipple.

 

“Patience, Houmon.” Lexa whispered, but still relented, rolling Clarke’s bud between two fingers, pinching and pulling on it until she heard Clarke let out a soft gasp.

“Just like that.” Clarke said as Lexa continued to fondle her breast. The Commander smiled against Clarke’s neck, giving it one last suck before she rolled Clarke onto her back and hovered above her.

 

Lexa sat back on her knees between Clarke’s legs, looking down at her. Staring at Clarke’s bosom, at her tout stomach and at the wet spot that had darkened her underwear. The alpha felt her mouth water and took a hold of the only remaining piece of cloth that covered Clarke’s body. She pulled the fabric down and looked at the small patch of blonde curls between Clarke’s legs, she could smell her wife’s arousal, and she could see the way her folds glistened in the low light. She wanted to taste and so she grabbed Clarke’s legs, running her hands over her smooth thighs before moving them to the sides.

 

“May I?” Lexa asked, already knowing what the answer was going to be. Asking before taking meant giving Clarke some power and that was something she knew she needed to do, she did not want Clarke to feel less than what she really was.

 

Clarke smiled at her, knowing exactly why Lexa was asking and appreciating it. She nodded in response and Lexa lowered herself, first pressing a deep kiss to Clarke’s mouth before trailing down slowly, taking her time to kiss every inch of skin she could see before coming face to face with Clarke’s center.

 

Lexa blew warm air against the blonde’s clit, instantly feeling the hairs on the blonde’s thighs stand on end. Then she leaned in, marveling at the wetness that was already dripping out of Clarke’s entrance as she traced it with the tip of her tongue, being careful to not slip inside just yet. Lexa traced every inch of Clarke’s center with her tongue before moving to the special place that begged for her attention.

 

The Commander pressed her tongue gently against the blonde’s clit, running her tongue over it time and time again. She started out slow and gentle, adding pressure with every flick, knowing she was doing something right because of the soft sighs that were leaving the blonde’s mouth. She then traced the blonde’s entrance with the tip of her fingers, pushing them in just a fraction before pulling them back. Clarke groaned at the teasing and she reached down with her hand burying it in Lexa’s dark hair, moving the Commander’s mouth exactly to where she needed it. Lexa felt the blonde’s hips buckle against her mouth and so she latched her lips around the blonde’s clit and sucked.

 

Clarke let out a low moan, the feeling of Lexa’s soft lips wrapped around her was making heat pool low in her gut, she tried and failed to control her breathing as Lexa relentlessly sucked and licked at her clit while her fingers finally pushed inside of her.

 

“Lexa.” Clarke gasped, the feeling of pressure, of Lexa’s fingers dragging against her walls making her clutch her eyes shut as she bit her lip in a failed attempt to hide what she was feeling.

 

Lexa moaned against Clarke’s center, the heat wrapping around her fingers enough to make her own clit pulse with need. The vibrations seemed to lit Clarke’s nerves on fire, the blonde clenched the sheets tightly, feeling awfully close to falling apart at the constant drag of Lexa’s digits against her front wall. Finally, when Lexa put more force behind her thrusts, when she kneaded Clarke’s breast with her free hand as she gave her clit a sharp suck did the blonde fall apart.

 

Her body shuddered as her toes curled and her back arched, a soft cry falling past her lips as currents of pleasure travelled up and down her body.

 

Once she had her breathing under control Clarke had to bring Lexa up and away from her center. The alpha had been lapping at her entrance, marveling at the taste of her cum, but Clarke was just a little too sensitive.

 

Lexa pressed one last kiss to the blonde’s clit before crawling up so they were face to face. Clarke brought her down for a deep kiss, moaning softly once she tasted herself on Lexa’s lips.

 

“You are beautiful.” Lexa whispered, nuzzling her nose against the blonde’s in a gesture that made the other alpha smile.

 

“You are not so bad yourself, Heda.” Clarke said, smiling as she rolled them again, lying above Lexa and letting her hand travel down her body.

 

Right before reaching her destiny Lexa grabbed her hand and interlocked her fingers.

 

“What is it?” Clarke asked with a frown. “Don’t you want me to…?”

 

“I do, very much so. I’m just experiencing some discomfort at the moment.”

 

“Already?” Clarke asked. If Lexa’s clit was starting to hurt that could only mean that her rut was very close and that soon her clit would extend to form her shaft.

 

“My rut is almost here, the suppressants are helping greatly, especially with my temper, but soon I will be ready to knot.” Lexa said, tucking a strand of Clarke’s hair behind her ear.

 

“Don’t worry, we will figure it out.” Clarke said, leaning down to press a kiss on Lexa’s forehead.

 

“It will be okay, it is not the first time I spend a rut on my own and the Skaikru medicine has been helping a lot more than I thought it would.”

 

“You are not going to be on your own, I will be here to help you through it.” Clarke said and Lexa frowned, her eyes expressing concern.

 

“I would never ask you to do that, I would never put you in that position.”

 

“I am offering, I want to help you that’s why I also started taking suppressants. It will soften our alphas, make things easier.” Clarke said and Lexa looked up at her with wide eyes.

 

“You would be willing to take my cock?” Lexa asked bluntly and Clarke looked down at her with a small smile.

 

“Yes, I would. I know I won’t be able to please you like Raven could, maybe I won’t even be able to take your knot, but I think that with both of us under suppressants and that if we set some boundaries I will be able to offer you some relief.” Clarke said, tucking a loose strand of brown hair behind Lexa’s ear.

 

“I would never ask you to do this.” Lexa said and Clarke sighed, she had thought about it, she knew what it meant and she thought that there was no bigger commitment than to offer herself to Lexa like that.

 

“Like I said before, I am offering.”

 

“What if I am not able to do the same for you?” Lexa asked, her eyes showing a clear expression of worry. “No one has been inside of me like that, it has always been only a couple of fingers, I am not sure I could take anything more than that.”

 

“I would never ask you to do anything you are not comfortable with, and I am not offering to do this just to make you do the same. I am offering because I love you, because I want to help you and because I want to know how it would feel to have you inside of me.” Clarke whispered, and those words paired with the husky voice made a shot of pleasure assault Lexa’s clit.

 

The mere presence of an omega was arousing, but the thought of being with someone as dominant as she is gave her a sense of power, a rush that she hadn’t experienced before. And having Clarke right there in front of her offering her body like that made her chest fill with warmth, it was special, it was precious, and Lexa appreciated it more than she could say.

 

“What if you don’t enjoy it?”

 

“We could stop and move past it. I would try to keep you as comfortable as possible either way, with my hands or my mouth, maybe both. Or I could just bring you cold compresses, try to keep you as cool as possible, we are lucky the snow is just starting to melt.” Clarke said. Lexa took one of her hands and kissed Clarke’s knuckles.

 

“What if I hurt you?” Lexa asked, looking deeply concerned.

 

“You have never hurt anyone during your rut; you already have a very tight grip on your alpha as it is. You don’t lose it and I don’t think our suppressants would let you either way. Scientist up in the ark were always making them better, we couldn’t afford a fight between alphas up there, and the consequences would have been fatal. You won’t hurt me.” Clarke said, looking down at Lexa and knowing that she wasn’t convinced. “You are powerful and that is exactly why you will be able to control yourself.”

 

“What about the boundaries you mentioned?” Lexa asked, knowing that Clarke wouldn’t let it go.

 

“Maybe we could avoid the most dominating poses while we are at it? I am not sure how I would react if I felt completely… you know.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

“I would never make you submit to me like this, Clarke. I might crave it and the possibility of it happening might be arousing but I would never-”

 

“I know, I know.” Clarke said leaning down to kiss Lexa’s lips. “I know.” She repeated once again, pulling back just a few inches to look into the Commander’s eyes. “I just thought I’d mention it.”

 

“Of course, you can tell me anything.” Lexa said. A moment later she was incorporating herself, Clarke was still sitting on her lap so they ended up face to face. “Promise me that if for whatever reason I am unable to stop, that if I am hurting you, that if I start doing something you are not comfortable with you will stop me. Promise me you will do whatever you must, anything.”

 

“I promise.” Clarke said, moved by Lexa’s concern. She wrapped her arms around the Commander’s shoulders and hugged her tight, feeling as Lexa buried her head on her neck. “Let’s go to bed now, okay?”

 

Lexa nodded in response and Clarke felt the movement against her skin. A few seconds later they were lying face to face, legs interlocked, arms thrown over each other’s sides, eyes closed.

 

……………………

 

The next morning, right before first light there was a knock on the door. Lexa’s body tensed her senses on high alert until she felt Clarke’s hand trail up her back.

 

“Shh, it’s okay.” The blonde whispered, voice hoarse with sleep and eyes still closed. She knew Lexa’s rut was near, her scent had changed overnight, getting more pungent, stronger, it was right there, tickling Clarke’s nose. Clarke didn’t feel particularly repulsed by it, she guessed it was because it belonged to Lexa and alpha or not, she was in love. The scent just wasn’t her favorite in the world. She knew an omega would drool over it, but she wasn’t an omega.

 

“It must be Robin.” Lexa said, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s temple before getting up. The discomfort between her legs had grown, had turned into pain, aching and pulsing. She knew that by nightfall her shaft would be fully formed and extended. The thought of being inside of Clarke, inside of an alpha was surprisingly arousing to her. Her body probably had never been spread in such a way; Lexa guessed that Clarke would feel tighter than any omega, just because her body was not accustomed to that sort of stretch.

 

Those thoughts made the ache between her legs deepen, so she tried to drive them away as she put on her clothes and fixed her hair to look as presentable as possible. Then, she moved towards the door and when she opened it Robin was there waiting for her.

 

Lexa let him in and noticed that Clarke had left towards the bathroom to give them some privacy.

 

“Have you decided?” the Commander asked and Robin looked up at her, his gaze unreadable.

 

“Do you truly believe that change can be made?”

 

“Yes, it will take time and work, but as long as there’s someone supporting those ideas and working towards them steadily, change can be made. The Coalition didn’t form itself overnight, it took time, pain, blood, but I knew what I wanted, I knew it was different, but it happened. I made it happen. Power comes with pain, power can be a burden, but power can also allow you to make a difference. As long as Titus remains Flamekeeper very little can be done, he is against change, he considers it a disrespect to our laws and he plays an important role in shaping the minds of the Nightbloods, which is why we need someone different. Someone who protects the Flame while having an open and receptive mind at the same time.” Lexa said, she could almost see the wheels turning in Robin’s brain. “I can’t promise you that things will be different in a few days or in a few years, but I can promise to listen to you and that I will always be open to new ideas that will make us better, that will make our people flourish.”

 

Robin nodded, he was young and inexperienced, but he was intelligent and he knew that changes regarding the Conclave and the Flame in general wouldn’t be easy to make, not when their whole society stood upon those beliefs.

 

More than anything, he knew that he wouldn’t be able to do much from the orphanage. At least, as Flamekeeper, he would be able to try.

 

“I wish to stay, Heda.” Robin said and Lexa nodded, doing her best to keep her face neutral even if on the inside all she felt was relief.

 

“I believe training awaits.” The Commander said, offering Robin a small smile. The boy’s eyes widened a little at the sight and pride filled his veins at pleasing his Heda.

 

“Of course, Heda.” He said as he started to turn around.

 

“Robin?” Lexa said, just as the boy reached to open the door.

 

“Yes, Heda?”

“I know you will not disappoint me. You have a mind full of marvelous thoughts and I trust you will know what to do to ensure our people are safe.”

 

Robin swallowed hard and nodded, thanking his Heda right before leaving.

 

“He decided to stay.” Clarke said as she came from behind Lexa and curled her arms around her waist. Lexa leaned back against her embrace and sighed.

 

“I know that you and Raven will be safe for as long as he remains Flamekeeper.”

 

“Do you think it is wise for us to tell him what the Flame really is at some point in the future?” Clarke asked and Lexa turned in her arms to be able to look at her.

 

“I think it is a secret that must die with us. The Flame may not choose its bearer, the Conclave may be a poor choosing method, but A.I or not the knowledge within the Flame is valuable and should be protected from falling into the wrong hands at all costs.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded with a thoughtful expression on her face.

 

“I guess destroying it is not an option.”

 

“No.” Lexa said at once. “That would leave the whole society too instable, it would also be a lie to say the knowledge from my predecessors didn’t help me get to where I am now.”

 

“Okay.” Clarke said. “Let’s talk to Eiza then, your skin is already feeling quite heated.”

 

Lexa nodded and leaned her forehead against Clarke’s, closing her eyes.

 

“Remember what you promised me yesterday.” Lexa insisted and Clarke nodded, tilting her head up to press a kiss to Lexa’s lips.

 

“I will, don’t worry.”

 

……………..

 

Late that night Clarke was woken up by the feeling of Lexa tossing and turning on the bed, she rolled onto her side to look down at her wife and found her asleep with her eyes screwed shut, the collar of her shirt was completely soaked with sweat and she was breathing heavily. The blonde looked down and saw the tent that had formed in between the alpha’s legs, she stood up and reached for her bag taking 2 suppressant pills and swallowing them with some water, she took another 2 and walked to Lexa’s side of the bed, kneeling down and pressing her hand to the Commander’s heated cheek.

 

“Hey love, open your eyes for me.” Clarke whispered and soon enough the Commander’s green eyes met hers. “Take this.” Clarke said as she offered the pills, the Commander took them and swallowed them at once, feeling cooler just by drinking the water.

 

Clarke then sat on the bed next to her wife and helped her take her sleeping shirt off, followed by her underwear. She watched the Commander’s cock, already as hard as it could get, slap against the alpha’s abs. The sight made Clarke grimace slightly; she knew her wife must be in a lot of discomfort and even some pain.

 

Clarke took her own clothes off and laid down next to Lexa, making sure to move all the furs away, Lexa was already hot enough. The blonde also couldn’t help but notice how her wife’s eyes travelled from her face to her breasts and stayed there for more than a couple of seconds. The blonde rolled onto her side and prompted her wife to do the same, she moved closer until she could feel Lexa’s breasts pressed against her own, and then she cupped the side of her face and leaned in to kiss her.

 

The kiss was short and felt quite tense, Clarke could feel how stiff Lexa’s body was, she could feel the corded muscle in her neck, strained and tight, ready to snap with how much restraint the Commander displaying.

 

“It’s okay, love.” Clarke whispered as she reached for one of Lexa’s hands and moved it to her center. “Just think of last night, it was perfect. You won’t hurt me.”

 

Clarke tried again, massaging Lexa’s jaw with her fingertips as she leaned in to kiss her again. Lexa’s lips seemed to tremble against her own as she parted her mouth and allowed Clarke’s tongue to meet her own. The movement stayed slow and steady, deep and languid as Lexa finally started to apply gentle pressure to Clarke’s clit.

 

The blonde hummed contently against her wife’s mouth, letting her know that things were okay and that she enjoyed what she was doing. Soon enough the feeling of Lexa’s skin against hers, the constant brush of her tongue against the blonde’s lips and the steady rhythm of her fingers circling her clit made arousal start to develop between the blonde’s legs.

 

Lexa groaned lowly once her fingers met the increasing wetness, she kept her eyes closed and her lips interlocked with Clarke’s as she dipped two fingers inside. The blonde let out a quiet moan and needing to take some control of the situation, she started to grind her hips against Lexa’s fingers.

 

The Commander moaned at the sensation, Clarke’s channel felt warm, slick, tight, and thinking about being inside of her only made her cock throb harder, it pulsed painfully against Clarke’s thigh. Things just got a lot more intense once the blonde started massaging the Commander’s breasts.

 

“Clarke…” Lexa whined, opening her eyes to look into her wife’s eyes. “I can’t. I am going to hurt you. Please, let’s just stop.” Lexa said, all she wanted was to rut mindlessly into her wife’s cunt, but she couldn’t do that. It didn’t matter how much her alpha roared inside of her, it didn’t matter how much it hurt to hold back, she wouldn’t force Clarke into submission for her own pleasure, they were equals and she wouldn’t hurt her.

 

A voice deep inside the Commander’s head screamed at her that they were not equals, that she was the most powerful one out of the two, that she was a pureblooded alpha. The alpha of all alphas and that making Clarke submit to her would not be hard.

 

“Hey love, look at me. Please.” Clarke whispered, nuzzling her nose against Lexa’s.

 

“I am going to hurt you.” Lexa said, going very still once again. Her eyes, blown from arousal, filled with tears.

 

“No, you won’t. I want to feel you inside me.” Clarke said, reaching down to hold Lexa’s cock gently in her hand. “I need you inside me; we just have to go slow for a little bit. Can you do that?” The blonde asked, caressing the back of the Commander’s neck, knowing the gesture would calm her. Lexa nodded her head and stayed very still as Clarke moved away and took an unfamiliar plastic bottle in her hands.

 

The blonde squirted some of its contents into her hands and then reached to spread it over the Commander’s cock. Lexa hissed at the feeling of smooth slick and warmth, she was too sensitive and she couldn’t even imagine how good she would feel inside of Clarke if just the touch of her hand affected her so much.

 

Clark curled one of her legs around the Commander’s waist, reaching a hand down to align Lexa’s shaft with her entrance. The Commander was shaking with the effort to hold back, she was breathing fast and hard, her chest heaving up and down making her breasts brush against Clarke’s, the blonde could see droplets of sweat dripping down her skin.

 

“Look at me, just keep your eyes on me.” Clarke whispered as she curled her arm around the Commander’s back, her palm flat over the tattoos and the scars that covered her skin. Lexa nodded, her green eyes locked with blue as Clarke pushed her hips forwards.

 

The blonde gasped, her mouth falling open as she felt the thick head of Lexa’s cock push against her entrance and then slip further inside. She had never been spread in such a way, she had never felt so much pressure, and as she continued to push her hips slowly forwards she couldn’t hold back the small moans that continued to fall from her mouth. Lexa was thicker and longer than anything she had ever taken, and by the time Lexa was buried to the hilt inside of her Clarke felt completely full, overwhelmingly so.

 

Lexa watched Clarke’s face contort with pleasure, she felt her walls clench around her shaft tightly, and she felt her warmth and her slick. Right then she confirmed what she had initially thought. As an alpha, Clarke’s channel was tighter than anything she had experienced before, not used to been filled like Lexa’s shaft was filling her.

 

The Commander’s skin chilled and her muscles tensed with the ache to pull out and thrust her shaft back into the blonde’s center. Her alpha roared and screamed at her to take, to possess, to domain, and Lexa continued to refuse, she looked into the blonde’s eyes, she felt the love she felt for Clarke overpower the wishes of her most animalistic side and waited, trying not to come because of the feel of the blonde’s cunt alone.

“You can move, love.” Clarke whispered after a few minutes of adjusting.

 

“It’s okay; we can wait a little longer.” Lexa insisted, leaning in to press a kiss to the blonde’s lips.

 

“You are shaking, Lex.” Clarke said, her chest filling with warmth because of how considerate and thoughtful Lexa was being in such a difficult situation. “I am ready, I promise.” Clarke insisted, but still the Heda did not move.

 

The blonde smiled and leaned in to press her lips against the Commander’s. The hand she had on Lexa’s back moved down until it pressed against her behind, making the Commander’s hips push forwards as she did the same, meeting her thrusts right in the middle.

 

Lexa gasped against Clarke’s lips, her veins on fire as their hips continued to meet. The Commander wrapped her arm around the blonde’s back, pulling her flush against her own body. Their chest and bellies met, skin on skin as their arms stayed wrapped around one another. Their hips never stopping the slow and steady push and pull movement. Lexa would pull back, leaving only the head of her cock inside Clarke’s warm channel, Clarke would do the same and then they would push forward at the same time, joining in the middle.

 

“Clarke-” Lexa gasped, her voice getting cut by a moan provoked by the delivered clench of Clarke’s walls around her shaft. The blonde had started moving faster and Lexa felt a mix of worry and overwhelming pleasure clog her throat. “Clarke-”

 

“Harder, love.” Clarke whispered, assuring Lexa that it was okay. “Just a little bit faster.”

 

“Clarke…” Lexa said, feeling unsure, she didn’t know if she would be able to stay in control if she started rutting into Clarke any faster.

 

“Look at me.” Clarke said, her voice dripping with arousal as her walls continued hold Lexa’s shaft in a vice like grip. Lexa’s thrust had become shallower and Clarke knew that her knot must have formed and that she wouldn’t be able to take it.

 

Lexa opened her eyes and kept them locked on Clarke’s, she could feel her knot grind against the blonde’s entrance and groaned deeply, she wouldn’t be able to hold on for much longer.

 

“Do it love, faster, you won’t hurt me. I promise.” Clarke whispered, curling her arm around Lexa’s back once again, hugging her impossibly close as the Commander finally relented and started pushing in and out of the blonde faster and harder, her hips snapping against the blonde’s, her knot getting soaked with the blonde’s arousal.

 

Clarke’s moans grew in volume, became more constant as Lexa continued to thrust, her walls fluttered wildly, clenching around Lexa’s shaft as hard as they could. The overwhelming pressure, the feel of the head of Lexa’s cock dragging against her walls, the feel of their breasts pressed together and the look of overwhelming pleasure in Lexa’s face finally pushed the blonde over the edge, a loud moan fell from her lips as her walls squeezed the Commander’s shaft, triggering her orgasm. Strong ropes of come splashed hotly against her insides, electrifying shivers cursed through Clarke’s veins as she shuddered in the Commander’s embrace, blue eyes locked in green as they both climaxed.

 

Clarke didn’t think her bond with Lexa could grow more, but it somehow did. When they shuddered into ecstasy while looking into each other’s eyes, wrapped in a tight embrace the blonde fell an intensity she had never felt before, she felt connected to Lexa in a way she hadn’t before. It was intimate, it was intense, and it was loving. It was everything they had always been before and more.

 

“I love you.” Clarke whispered repeatedly as she leaned in to brush her nose against Lexa’s. The Commander hadn’t pulled out, keeping her knot pressed against the blonde’s entrance in an attempt to keep her seed inside, it didn’t work as well as it would have if she had knotted an omega, but everything inside of her told her that she needed to try.

 

“Ai hod yu in.” Lexa responded, mumbling her words against Clarke’s lips as she attempted to kiss her. She had enjoyed herself, she had climaxed intensely and being inside of Clarke had been an otherworldly experience. At the same time holding back so much had been difficult and taxing for her body. After reaching climax her mind was finally calm, her rut satiated for the time being, and she knew she wouldn’t be bothered by those kinds of urges any time soon, not with how much it had taken out of her.

 

“You were so good.” Clarke said, caressing the Commander’s hair gently, tucking it behind her small ear.

 

“Sha?” Lexa asked, some of the worry she had felt before coming back to make a frown appear between her brows. “I didn’t hurt you?”

 

“No, not at all.” Clarke whispered, smiling at her exhausted wife. “Do you feel better now? Are you still in pain?”

 

Lexa shook her head no, leaning forwards slightly to hide her head in the crook of Clarke’s neck.

 

“Can’t feel anything… My body tingles...” Lexa mumbled and soon enough her limbs went limp, her shaft still buried deep inside of Clarke.

 

Clarke held her gently, kissing the top of Lexa’s head and whispering sweet nothings into her ear until she fell asleep.

 

…………………..

 

“Rae, hi.” Clarke said covering a yawn with her hand. “How are you doing? Are you feeling sick already?”

 

“I am okay, just tired, sleeping is hard when I have this huge bed all to myself. I am controlling the mate sickness with the Trikru medication, so I’ve been nauseous but I haven’t been vomiting too much. I have also been wearing Lexa’s clothes so that helps too.” Raven said and Clarke felt deeply relieved.

 

“I am really happy to hear that, Rae.” Clarke said, rubbing her eye with her fist. “Lex has been really worried about you.”

 

“Where is she by the way?”

 

“She is not doing too well with the mate sickness, she is in the bathroom with Eiza right now, and everything she ate is coming back up. She told me to come out and answer the radio. I just don’t know if it would be okay to mix the mate sickness medication with the suppressants and at the same time I feel like she’s puking up the suppressants so I don’t really know what to do.” Clarke said, grimacing as she heard Lexa continue to vomit from the bathroom.

 

“Sounds like you need to speak to your mother.” Raven said hesitantly. “I know we are in a weird place with her, but Lexa is going to be bedridden soon if she doesn't get to keep anything down.”

 

“I have tried to reach out, she is just not picking up.” Clarke said. “You know I’d do anything for Lexa, including talking to my mother.”

 

“She’s at Arkadia, must be in some meetings, try to contact Marcus maybe he will be able to get you in touch with her.”

 

“I will, and I’ll keep you posted.”

 

“Thanks, Griff. Talk to you soon.”

 

………………………

 

“I think you could have handled things better, at the end of the day it was Clarke’s decision and it is not your place to judge those choices.” Marcus said, he was with Abby in Arkadia’s med bay, they had been talking about their people and eventually their conversation had moved towards Clarke.

 

“I am terrified, Marcus. I can’t sleep, I can’t think, I can’t breathe without feeling like in any minute someone will tell me that my daughter was murdered. I can’t stop thinking that she would be in a much safer position if she hadn’t decided to marry the Commander. You know it is the truth, you know that Clarke wouldn’t have to be involved in the leadership of the clan, that she could have found a nice omega and that they could have had a small house and a couple of kids. But no, she just had to marry the Commander, who seems to be in mortal danger every two seconds and who is an alpha, a pure blooded alpha whose word is literally the law.” Abby said.

 

“I doubt Commander Lexa would ever use her power to force your daughter into anything.” Marcus said and Abby looked at him with a disbelieving expression.

 

“She is an alpha, it is in her nature. And even if by some miracle, she was respectful towards Clarke that doesn't take away the fact that Clarke’s life is in danger just because she stands next to her. I know what I said to them was wrong, I know I went overboard and I lost it, but my child was unconscious and bleeding and it all went back to the woman she decided to marry. Do you think the Commander doesn’t know she is putting Clarke in danger just by being with her? Of course she knows, but she decided to be with her anyway, how is that love? It is selfishness, and I just can’t stop myself from feeling like I am going to lose my mind every second Clarke remains by her side because I know it will get her killed.” Abby said, looking at Marcus, begging him with her eyes to understand.

 

“I understand that you are worried, and I understand that you are scared. However, I am afraid the only thing you can do is to try to control your fears if you want Clarke to remain in your life. She already married the Commander, she already made it clear that she loves her and that she chooses her that is not going to change, so as far as I can see you only have two options. Either you continue to antagonize the Commander and destroy your relationship with Clarke, or you get a grip on your fears and try to make peace with them. For better or for worse Clarke loves the Commander and so if you want to have a relationship with Clarke you will have to at least tolerate the Heda-”

 

Marcus was suddenly cut off by the sound of Clarke’s voice coming from the radio that hung from his belt.

 

“I am here, is everything okay at Polis?” Marcus asked and Abby waited, listening carefully, she hadn’t heard from her daughter in almost 4 days.

 

“More or less, I need to speak to my mother. Raven told me she was at Arkadia.” Clarke said and Marcus arched his eyebrows as he turned to look at Abby.

 

“She is right here with me, wait a second.” Marcus said, offering Abby the radio. The doctor took it and watched as Marcus left the med bay, leaving her alone with a nurse that walked around, not really paying attention to what she was saying.

 

“Clarke?”

 

“Mom, I need your help with something.” Clarke said, going straight to the point.

 

“What is it?” Abby asked, being careful to avoid saying anything that might aggravate her daughter.

 

“Lexa, she went into rut the day after we got here, she was okay but yesterday she started developing mate sickness symptoms. She was feeling kind of weak and nauseous, but nothing too serious, today she started vomiting and I am afraid she might be just vomiting her suppressants. I don’t know if maybe I should give her mate sickness medication and suppressants at the same time?”

 

“No.” Abby said at once. “We don’t really know what’s in that grounder medication, it could mix poorly with the suppressants. If this is her third day of rut it means that she only has another 2 to go, keep the suppressants and ask one of the grounder healers to give you some of their anti-nausea medication. It is a plant that you will have to boil for a few minutes and have the Commander smell the fumes it lets out, it will reduce the nausea significantly for the next 2 days. Once the rut stops she may take the mate sickness medication, remember that they will get worse the longer you stay in Polis, now they are mellow in comparison to how they will get in a week from today.”

 

“Okay, thank you.” Clarke said, not saying anything else.

 

When Abby went to say goodbye Clarke wasn’t there.

 

……………….

 

“How are you, Love?” Clarke asked as she wrapped an arm around the Commander’s shoulders. Lexa was hunched over the steaming bowl, breathing in deeply.

 

“Much better.” The Heda said as she looked up, turning to Clarke with a small smile and leaning in to kiss her cheek.

 

“I am glad to hear that.” Clarke said, knowing they wouldn’t be able to properly satiate the Commander’s rut if she was weak from not being able to keep anything down.

 

Lexa had washed herself, had taken her suppressants and then had spent almost an hour breathing in the fumes coming from the steaming waters. The nausea that had distracted her from the ache between her legs was gone and all she could feel was the aching pulse of her cock.

 

Clarke watched the tent on the Commander’s pants and smiled, taking the bowl from her hands and placing it on the table beside the bed. The blonde stood by the bed as she took her shirt off, she could feel Lexa’s eyes on her as her bindings fell to the ground leaving her breasts exposed.

 

A moment later Lexa was on her feet, cupping the back of Clarke’s neck and bringing her into a deep kiss.

 

“Remember your promise.” Lexa whispered as she opened Clarke’s pants and sneaked a hand under her underwear.

 

“You won’t hurt me.” Clarke said, reaching down to take off her pants and underwear in one go and then reaching for Lexa’s belt, opening it and helping her take the rest of her clothing off.

 

The Commander’s body vibrated with anticipation as she helped the blonde in her arms, feeling her shaft rest between Clarke’s smooth thighs as she allowed herself to press kisses all over the blonde’s throat. All she wanted to do was thrust inside, bury herself inside the blonde’s sweet cunt, but she wouldn’t do it, she would ache for it until the blonde was ready.

 

Clarke hooked her leg over Lexa’s waist, holding onto the Commander’s shoulders to maintain balance on one leg, feeling the Commander’s cock brush against her center and nudge her clit.

 

“Do it, Lexa.” Clarke said, keeping her voice strong and firm, knowing the other alpha wouldn’t move an inch if there was even a small chance of Clarke getting hurt. “I am ready for you, love.” Clarke said, keeping one arm around Lexa’s neck as she reached down with the other, taking the Commander’s pulsing shaft in her hands and giving it a few pumps before she finally aligned it with her entrance.

 

Their groans mixed into one sound of pleasure as the Commander finally buried herself inside of Clarke. The blonde started grinding her hips, letting the other alpha know she could start moving.

 

Lexa kept one hand on Clarke’s leg, keeping it secure around her waist, the other stayed on the blonde’s behind, squeezing tightly as she used the leverage to pump her hips against the blonde’s. A quiet roar escaped her mouth and her hands tightened around the blonde’s hips, Clarke was moaning quietly in her ear and the sound coupled with the slick heat that wrapped her cock threatened to drive her insane.

 

“You can go harder, Hodnes.” Clarke said, her voice coming out between pants against Lexa’s ears. She caressed the back of the Commander’s neck and littered kissed all over her shoulder, trying to ease some of the tension on Lexa’s muscles. The blonde knew what Lexa truly wanted, she knew what her alpha desired, and the fact that Lexa refused to give in spoke volumes about her strength and how much she truly cared about the blonde. “You won’t hurt me.” Clarke whispered deliberately tightening her walls around the Commander’s cock, shivers shot down her spine and straight to her clit at Lexa’s answering moan.

 

“All I want to do is push you against the wall and-” Lexa cut herself off, clenching her jaw so hard her teeth ached. She buried her face in Clarke’s neck, calming the heat in her veins by mouthing at the salt trailing down the blonde’s skin.

 

“Do it, push me against the wall and fuck me however you want to.” Clarke said, feeling Lexa’s hips stutter against hers, falter for just a second as she felt the Commander’s shaft throb inside of her.

 

Lexa ignored her words and placed open-mouthed kiss on Clarke’s neck to distract herself.

 

“Look at me.” Clarke said, pulling gently on the Commander’s braids to get Lexa to look at her.

 

Blue eyes met green and Lexa felt her breath catch in her throat.

 

To Clarke, the fact that Lexa didn’t do what she wanted and waited for approval felt like a concession of power. It felt like an agreement, and if Lexa was willing to offer her all her restraint to make sure she didn’t hurt her, then Clarke could let her do this. They both were giving each other something, and none of them would feel like they were dominating the other.

 

“Pick me up, hold me against the wall and fuck me.” Clarke said, her eyes sure and steady as they looked into Lexa’s.

 

“Are you su-” Clarke cut Lexa off with a kiss and a moment later she felt both of the Commander’s hands settle on the back of her thighs and pick her up easily. Her back crashed against the nearest wall and Lexa pulled out of her, leaving only the tip of her shaft inside before snapping her hips forwards as hard as she could into the blonde’s channel.

 

Clarke let out a sharp cry, the new angle making the Heda’s shaft rub against her front wall with each thrust. Lexa stared at her, at Clarke’s face, mouth open as moans fell from deep in her chest, head thrown back against the wall as her eyes stayed screwed shut. She was enjoying what Lexa was doing and the sudden slick that soaked the alpha’s cock was confirmation enough for the Commander to rut into the blonde’s channel hard and fast. Her cock ached, pulsed with the beat of her heart as Clarke’s walls continued to milk it, to squeeze it as hard as they could; the friction and the intense pressure made Lexa’s eyes roll to the back of her head as her hips continued to hit Clarke’s.

 

Time seemed to slow down as one thrust blurred into the next. Clarke’s eyes opened and all she could hear were the erotic grunts falling from Lexa’s lips. Her gaze traced the Commander’s face, her eyes were closed in pleasure, messy strands of hair fell over her forehead, droplets of sweat travelled down her temples and her jaw, so sharp and strong, was clenched tight as the alpha tried to quiet her passion.

 

The blonde’s eyes travelled lower, towards Lexa’s neck, and the ache in her center only seemed to grow stronger as she regarded the corded muscle and the bulging vein that pulsed fast. Clarke could only stare with hungry eyes at the Commander’s sharp collarbones, at her smooth skin, at her firm breasts and finally at the swollen shaft that pulled out of her only to sink back in. If the sight alone aroused her beyond measure, it made sense that the feeling was so overwhelming.

 

Clarke gasped as the Commander’s fingers dug into the back of her thighs. Her own hands stayed wrapped around the Commander’s neck, her palms dragged down the Commander’s back and then back up, knowing how sensitive the skin there was and feeling each and every scar with the utmost clarity.

 

“Clarke.” Lexa mumbled, her voice cut by a low moan. “ _Clarke_ ” She said again and the blonde felt like coming just by the tone in which the Heda pronounced her name.

 

Clarke felt it then, the sting of Lexa’s knot grinding against her entrance.

 

The mix of pain and pleasure send a rush of heat straight to the blonde’s clit, Clarke moaned, muffling the sounds escaping her mouth by pressing her lips to Lexa’s. The kiss was deep and messy, teeth tugging at lips, lips sucking on tongues, tongues brushing over the roof of someone’s mouth. Clarke shivered into an orgasm as she cried out against Lexa’s mouth, her eyes opening wide as waves of electricity spread from her center and outwards, filling every inch of her body. Her walls clenched hard around Lexa’s shaft as her toes curled and her muscles stiffened. The blonde could taste her wife’s climax on her tongue as Lexa snapped her hips upwards one last time, the green of her eyes almost swallowed completely by her blown pupils as they stared into Clarke’s.

 

They continued to shiver and shudder in each other’s arms, sharing the aftershocks of their joined climax as they kissed between shaky breaths with trembling lips.

 

“You can let me down now, Love.” Clarke whispered. Lexa still had her pressed up against the wall, her head tucked to the side of Clarke’s neck.

 

“I can’t feel my legs.” Lexa mumbled. All her limbs were tingling and she was afraid of dropping Clarke if she moved. She also needed to keep her knot pressed against the blonde’s entrance for as long as possible. They were both alphas and Lexa knew that the chance of Clarke getting pregnant was slim to none, but still everything in her, the beast inside of her, the animal pushed her to try and keep her seed inside as long as possible.

 

Clarke chuckled and tangled her fingers in Lexa’s soft curls, caressing her nape with the tips of her fingers. Lexa hummed in content and sighed, nuzzling into the blonde’s skin even if it was physically impossible to get any closer.

 

Clarke didn’t know how long she stayed there, pressed against the wall with Lexa’s cock buried inside of her, but eventually, after an hour or more, Lexa’s knot shrunk and she was able to pull her softened shaft out of the blonde’s warm channel. Still, the Commander didn’t let Clarke’s feet touch the ground; she carried her all the way to the bed, laying down with Clarke’s body draped comfortably over hers.

 

Clarke lifted her head from the Commander’s chest and looked up at her; she pressed a soft kiss to Lexa’s forehead and then her lips, watching the Commander smile in return.

 

“Thank you, Hodnes.” Lexa whispered, tracing Clarke’s spine with her fingers.

 

“Don’t thank me for that, it is not like I didn’t enjoy it.” Clarke said, cupping Lexa’s cheek and caressing her soft skin with her thumb. “Maybe with time it will be easier and it won’t take so much out of you.”

 

“I prefer it like this, when I am this exhausted my rut can’t bother me.” Lexa said looking up at Clarke with loving green eyes.

 

“Don’t you wish it was easier, though?” Clarke asked and Lexa frowned, her tired eyes blinking up at Clarke as she shook her head from side to side.

 

“No. I love you just like this. And I enjoyed making love to you; it showed me I am stronger than I thought. I didn’t hurt you and I didn’t disrespect you.” Lexa said, feeling quite proud of herself. Being with another alpha had been a challenge, everything in her had been telling her to fight for dominance, but she had been able to keep herself under control and Clarke was okay.

 

“No, you didn’t hurt me.” Clarke said, lovingly bumping her nose against Lexa’s and leaning down to kiss her gently.

 

“That’s nice.” Lexa whispered, her eyes barely open. Clarke chuckled and rolled off Lexa to lay on the mattress on her side.

 

Lexa whined at the loss of warmth and pulled Clarke further into her side.

 

“I am not going anywhere.” Clarke said, placing a soft kiss on Lexa’s cheek.

 

Soon enough they were both asleep.

 

………

 

A couple of days later Clarke woke up to Lexa lying face down with the blonde’s head resting between her shoulder blades. Clarke buried her face on the back of Lexa’s neck and breathed in deeply, smiling slightly once she didn’t sense the pungent rut scent on Lexa’s skin.

 

Clarke straddled Lexa’s firm behind and started massaging the Commander’s back, making sure to help her release all the tension. Being in rut was always tiring, especially when it was over.

 

A few minutes later soft hums of content started coming from the loose body beneath her and Clarke smiled.

 

“Good morning, Heda.”

 

“My mornings are always good with you, Hodnes.” Lexa whispered, tapping Clarke’s leg softly so the blonde would get off her and allow her to turn around.

 

Lexa directed her gaze to the space between her legs and sighed in relief, her shaft was gone and in its place was her clit, it felt sensitive but she was no longer bothered or in pain.

 

“Relieved?” Clarke asked, knowing how uncomfortable being in rut was.

 

“Very. Having a penis is always quite uncomfortable, this time it was better because you were here and because the Skaikru medication works very well, but usually it just hurts and I can’t do nothing to ease that pain.” Lexa said and Clarke looked at her nodding in understanding.

 

“Well, you could have taken an omega, just for the night. I am sure very few would refuse you.” Clarke said, she knew Lexa would never do something like that, but it was obvious that was an option.

 

“I wouldn’t use anyone like that. I believe a lot of trust is needed to share that kind of intimacy, that’s why that first time with Raven was quite uncomfortable to me. She was a stranger that hated me and I couldn’t help but feel like I was doing something wrong. I would have liked to be a beta, things would be much easier.” Lexa said and her last statement surprised Clarke.

 

“You would give up the possibility of getting someone pregnant?” Clarke asked and Lexa nodded.

 

“I don’t need my children to have my blood to feel like they are mine. That’s why you shouldn’t worry about us not having children of our own, their blood doesn’t matter, Clarke.” Lexa said, reaching to take Clarke’s hand in her own. “One day, when we are ready, we can go to the orphanage and see the children there, they are all wonderful and lovely, they all deserve a family and I am sure we will want to take them all with us.”

 

“That sounds nice.” Clarke said, sporting a watery smile as she leaned down to curl up at Lexa’s side. “Maybe we could do that once Sirius is a bit older?”

 

“Whatever you desire will be okay by me, I just want to make you happy.” Lexa said, turning her head to place a kiss on top of Clarke’s head.

 

“We should talk about it with Raven, too.” Clarke said and Lexa nodded.

 

The blonde had noticed that Lexa had been avoiding talking about the omega and Clarke was almost completely certain that Lexa was only doing that to not worsen her mate sickness, to try to quiet the longing that had been right there in her chest from the moment she had turned her back on Raven.

 

Lexa had spoken to Raven each and every day, but besides that, she would avoid talking about her.

 

“Yes, I doubt she will be against it.”

 

“It’s okay to miss her, you know?” Clarke said, tracing shapes on Lexa’s abdomen.

 

“I know, it just makes things harder.”

 

“I know.” Clarke said, knowing by Lexa’s overall body language that she didn’t want to keep talking about Raven, even if they hadn’t really said much about her in the first place.

 

“We can leave before the mate sickness gets too bad, the thing with Robin is fixed, your rut is over, and there is no reason to stay here any longer.”

 

“I need to stay for a week at least, maybe two. I want to make sure Robin is really settling into his role and I need to oversee the Nightblood’s training. I was away for too long, their lessons with me didn’t happen. These kind of thing isn’t uncommon because as Heda I tend to travel constantly, especially now with the Coalition, but I still feel like I should take some time to see their progress, to see what they have learned while I was gone and to make adjustments if needed.” Lexa said and Clarke let the silence hang in the air for a second before speaking.

 

“Then we must bring Raven here.” Clarke said, knowing exactly how Lexa was going to react.

 

“You know that is not an option, not right now. Give me two more weeks here and then we will go back and we’ll figure a way to fix this that won’t put Raven and Sirius in danger.”

 

“Of course, it’ll be okay. We will make it better.”

 

…………………………

 

Raven was lying in bed with her eyes wide open. She had her arms wrapped around Bouda’s big body while Vulcan stayed curled up against her back, Ash stayed by the foot of the bed and Raven had her feet buried in her fur. Having three wolves in bed with her should have made her feel warm and safe, but it didn’t, she wanted the warmth of Lexa’s arms, she wanted the safety that came with her strong body and her protective presence, she wanted the comforting scent that seemed to latch onto her skin and calm Raven’s racing thoughts.

 

Bouda whined lowly, sensing her distress and Raven shushed him, petting the top of his head and running her hand between his ears.

 

“I am sorry, Bouda.” Raven whispered. “But it’s not you, it is me.” Raven chuckled at her lame attempt to cheer herself up and ended up crying, her eyes watered before she could do anything about it and she ended up with her face buried in the pillow, trying to fill her lungs with Lexa’s fading scent.

 

“Raven? Houmon? Are you awake?” Came Lexa’s voice from the radio. Raven’s eyes widened and she ended up pushing Vulcan off the bed in her rush to pick up the radio.

 

“Hey Robot, how are you?” Raven said at once, her chest feeling less tight with the sound of Lexa’s voice, two weeks of separations was too much and to think they had at least one more week to go was only making her feel worse.

 

“I am okay, how are you? Are you feeling okay? I am sorry I can’t be there sooner. I am sorry.” Lexa said, and Raven could feel her grief even through the static that came from the radio.

 

“It’s fine, I get it.” Raven said, because she did get it, but it was not fine in any way. “I know you are doing your best and I did agree to stay here.”

 

“I wish I could be a better partner to you.” Lexa whispered, her voice filled with sorrow and pain. Raven’s heart clenched painfully and she wondered were Clarke was and why was she letting Lexa feel so upset.

 

“You are doing everything you can, that’s enough, I understand.” Raven said, trying to be reassuring.

 

“It is not enough, Raven!” Lexa snapped and the loud tone of her voice surprised the omega. “You are in pain because of me, I could avoid this, and I could have prevented this.”

 

“Lexa…”

 

“I am sorry, forget what I said. I shouldn’t be here complaining, I know you must feel a lot worse than me. Is the medication helping?”

 

“Yes, it is.” Raven said, because it truly was, which made the separation much more bearable than the first time. “Caia is taking great care of me, she has even taken to giving me massages, they are way better than the ones we get at Polis and those are amazing.”

 

There was silence, Lexa didn’t say anything but Raven could hear her breathing through the radio.

 

“I miss you, Raven.” Lexa said, and somehow her voice managed to sound steady and fragile at the same time.

 

Raven knew that Lexa wouldn’t lie to her; Lexa wouldn’t say something that she didn’t mean, but still the omega couldn’t quiet that little voice of insecurity in the back of her head.

 

“You have Clarke.” Raven said, her voice flat. Lexa answered immediately, quickly, she didn’t seem to feel the bitterness on Raven’s voice, and she didn’t seem to understand how Raven’s answer related to what she had said.

 

“Yes,” Lexa said, “And Clarke knows I miss you, too. She constantly tells me it is okay to feel this way and that I shouldn’t try to avoid it.”

 

Raven swallowed hard, not knowing what to say.

 

“Having Clarke there with you… doesn’t that make you miss me less?” Raven asked and when Lexa answered, the omega was sure she could feel the alpha’s confusion through the phone.

 

“How would she make me miss you less? She is not you.” Lexa said, her tone told Raven that she felt like the omega wasn’t making any sense. “You have your own place in my chest Raven, just like Clarke has her own.”

 

Raven pulled the radio away from her face and let out a shuddering breath.

 

“I just thought she would help somehow.” Raven said, wiping the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand.

 

“She does, with her here I get to shed my tears with company instead of on my own, and that’s good. She just doesn’t stop me from missing you, she’s actually doing the opposite, telling me that it is okay to feel this way and that I shouldn’t shy away from it.” Lexa said, sounding thoughtful. “It is quite unusual; I was taught that feelings like this are weakness. I guess that makes me weak for you, Raven.”

 

Raven felt like her heart was going to jump right out of her chest. She wasn’t good with feelings, though, so she tried to cover it up with some teasing.

 

“Was the big bad Heda really crying over some omega?” Raven said, unable to keep herself from smiling.

 

“You are not some omega.” Lexa said immediately. “I do not appreciate you talking about yourself in that manner.”

 

“Relax, I wasn’t being serious.” Raven said. “And you didn’t answer the question.”

 

“Yes, Raven, I do cry about you sometimes. The longer we are apart the more I feel my mind ache for your presence.”

 

“Is it the silent tear kind of crying or full blown sobbing?” Raven asked and in her head, she could picture Lexa looking up at the ceiling asking for mercy.

 

“That holds no importance.”

 

“Robots don’t cry, Lexa.” Raven said, humming a little as she continued to tease the Commander. “Maybe I shouldn’t call you that any more. What should I call you then? Baby? Babies cry a lot.”

 

“I am no child, Raven.” Lexa said and the omega could hear the exasperation in her tone.

 

“I bet you were sobbing, wailing for me.” The Mechanic said, lying down in bed, she could picture perfectly well the blush that was surely coloring the Commander’s cheeks.

 

“I was not wailing, or sobbing.” Lexa said and the undertone of annoyance in her voice made the omega laugh.

 

Raven would never know, but hearing her laughter through the radio instantly made the Commander smile.

 

A moment of silence came, a moment were both women kept the radios close, hearing each other breathe.

 

Finally, Raven gathered enough courage to say the words that clawed at the bottom of her throat in their try to get out.

 

“I am weak for you too, Lexa.” Raven said, closing her eyes, her hand shaking as it held the radio. She could not take it back, she didn’t want to. “I miss you and I was actually crying a bit when you reached out.”

 

“Was it the silent kind or were you sobbing?” Lexa asked and Raven couldn’t stop the sudden laugh that came out of her mouth. She was deeply thankful for how Lexa had quickly eased the tension that had settled in her chest after what she had said.

 

“The silent kind, it might have escalated into sobbing eventually though, it really sucks to sleep without you, you know?”

 

“I’ll be back as soon as I can.” Lexa said and Raven wanted to punch herself after hearing the sadness filter back into Lexa’s tone.

 

“I understand, really. Take as long as you need.” Raven said, and she knew that she didn’t mean that last bit at all.

 

“What I need is to be back home with you and Sirius and Clarke.”

 

“I know, but you are Heda and your people need you. I don’t want you to feel bad about any of this, okay? I am okay and our baby is okay, too.” Raven said and she heard Lexa sigh on the other end.

 

“I sent you a gift, it should be arriving tomorrow.” Lexa said suddenly and Raven smiled, her eyes wide with surprise.

 

“Really? What is it?”

 

“I won’t say, I want it to be a… How do the sky people call it? Surprise?”

 

“Come on, Lex!” Raven said, shamelessly whining. “Now I am going to be thinking about it all night.”

 

“Don’t be. I wouldn’t want you to be disappointed once you get it. It is possible that you don’t like it.” Lexa said, sounding hesitant.

 

“I am sure I will like it-” Raven said and yawn she couldn’t contain cut her off. “I am going to try and reach out as soon as I get it tomorrow, okay?”

 

“Of course, I will let you sleep now. I will try to reach you at a more decent hour next time.”

 

“Don’t worry about that, just reach out, whenever.” Raven said, and her cheeks were instantly filled with heat.

 

Again, Raven would never know, but back at the Polis tower Heda Lexa was smiling.

 

“I will, sleep well, Raven.”

 

“You too, Heda.” Raven said, letting out a contented sigh as she curled up on her pillows with one hand caressing her swollen belly.

 

…………………..

 

Once Lexa made it back into bed Clarke rolled onto her side to look at her with a small smile and arched eyebrows. The Commander sighed, looking back at the blonde with a smile of her own.

 

“Is this ‘I told you so’?” Lexa asked and Clarke’s smile only got wider.

 

“Kind of, I did say you would feel better after talking to her.” Clarke said, sounding smug. Lexa rolled over to give the blonde her back, Clarke only chuckled, wrapping her arms around the Commander. “You know you feel for her, don’t shy away from it, if you feel sad because she’s not around then cry about it, if you want to grab her and kiss her do it, if you want to whisper beautiful things in her ear do it. You are holding back because you don’t want to burden her with your feelings, and I get that, but I am sure she won’t feel burdened by this. I understand that right now you avoid talking about her and thinking about her because you think that will help you handle the mate sickness but that is not working and you know it.”

 

“You are sure it won’t be too much? I don’t want to overwhelm her, or to make her think that she has to feel the same way about me.” Lexa said, rolling over so she could lock eyes with Clarke.

 

“Why don’t you try? If things go wrong you just stop and if things go well…” Clarke smiled, leaning forward to place a kiss on Lexa’s forehead. “I am sure it is going to be fine. You’d feel better if you allowed yourself to feel things freely, I know that you have been missing Raven from the moment we left, but you haven’t spoken about it.”

 

“Sometimes with you I feel like I don’t need to.” Lexa said. “I am sure you knew I was crying about her this morning, I didn’t feel like I needed to say anything, you already knew.”

 

“Yes, but sometimes putting feelings into words helps, it makes it easier to deal with them. You don’t have to keep everything to yourself, not anymore.” Clarke said and Lexa gave her a shy smile, interlocking her fingers with Clarke’s.

 

“I am going to try.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded, leaning forwards to tuck her head under Lexa’s chin.

 

“Good, now sleep, Heda.”

 

“Reshop, Clarke.”

 

“Goodnight, Love.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope this super long chapter makes up for the delay with the update. I hope you guys liked it and that the explicit scenes didn't suck too much. Feel free to tell me what you think in the comments.
> 
> NEW WORKS:
> 
> Also, at the beginning of the story some of you told me you would have liked this work to be Lexaven only, so around that time I started working on a story for that pairing very similar to this one for those of you who really wanted this to be Commander Mechanic. It is also abo, it is also settled after the Mount Weather thing and it will probably involve Lexaven kids too. It is very Lexaven centric and it is mostly character driven, I could probably post the first two or so characters for that if you are still interested, so let me know.
> 
> Besides that I started writting a Clexa work with an X-Men feel to it, I am kind of in love with Legion so I had to write it down, let me know if you'd be interested in that too.
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked the chap and that the smut wasn't too awful.


	15. Chapter 15

Raven was sitting on a bed inside the medbay being checked by Abby when a grounder came inside holding a big box in his arms. Raven instantly perked up at the sight and reached out for it, placing it on the bed next to her and opening it.

 

“From Heda.” The man said and Raven thanked him.

 

Abby sighed and let go of Raven’s leg to let the omega pay her whole attention to the box.

 

Raven suddenly gasped and Abby saw her take out a beautifully carved wooden box, on top it had a very detailed raven with its wings spread out. The omega opened it carefully and was instantly filled with joy.

 

“Oh my god, Yes!” Raven exclaimed, reaching for one of her favorite Polis pastries and taking it to her mouth. “I am sorry Abby, but I am not offering any.” Raven said, moaning obscenely as she felt the sweetness fill her mouth.

 

Abby didn’t say anything, instead she watched quietly as Raven took another pastry to her mouth and reached towards the big box, from the inside she took a leather jacket, it was a dark red color similar to Raven’s bomber jacket, only darker, it had several pockets on the outside and it was lined with soft fur. As soon as Raven took it out the space around them was filled with the Commander’s strong alpha scent.

 

Abby watched as Raven’s eyes watered, the young omega brought the jacket to her nose and breathed in deeply, a shiver going down her spine.

 

Raven wrapped the jacket around herself, immediately feeling like Lexa was giving her a hug. A moment later she noticed that the box wasn’t empty and that there was something wrapped in a cloth in the bottom. Raven took it carefully, it fell just a little heavy and she had to hold it with both hands. When she took the cloth away she gasped.

 

Raven scrambled for her radio and called to Lexa insistently until the Commander answered.

 

“Hello, Houmon.” The Commander said and Abby turned her back on Raven to give her some privacy even if she could still hear everything she was saying.

 

“How did you know? Did you make it? It’s amazing!” Raven said, feeling overwhelmingly happy as she stared at the detailed wooden figure in her hands.

 

“Clarke mentioned you would want a vehicle like that in the Old World, we saw it in a book on the Polis library. When she mentioned it, I figured I could give you one, I know you can’t drive it, but… I don’t know, it feels pointless now.” The Commander said and Abby was surprised by the vulnerability she could hear in the alpha’s voice.

 

“Pointless? Are you kidding?! This is amazing, I am really happy to have it, you are so talented, it looks just like the real one, just in a small wooden form.” Raven said, a smile on her face as she regarded the wooden model of the Mustang 68 sitting carefully on her lap.

“I could make you a bigger one, if you want.” The Commander asked, tentative and Abby frowned in confusion. The blatant need to please and to make Raven happy seemed so unlike an alpha.

 

“This is perfect, I can’t wait to put it on my desk, though it might distract me a little.” Raven said, “I can’t stop looking at it.”

 

“I am glad you are pleased.” The Commander said, sounding relieved. “Was everything else to your liking?”

 

“Yes, for sure. The pastries were delicious, the jacket is beautiful and very comfy and the box in which the pastries came, did you make that too? The carvings on the outside are really gorgeous.”

 

“Yes, I thought maybe you could use it for something else later on.”

 

“Thank you, really.” Raven said and Abby felt her tone get lower, take sad undertones. “Are you coming back soon? It’s been quite some time now.”

 

“Yes, Roan is due to get here soon, after I speak to him I will have a better sense of when I will make it back, it shouldn’t be much longer. I am sorry, Raven.” The Commander said, her voice clouded with guilt. “I will try to make it up to you however I can.”

 

“Just come back, that’s enough for me.” Raven said and after that her voice got so quiet that Abby could barely hear her. “I miss you.”

 

“I miss you too.” The Commander responded, her voice cracked on the last word and Abby arched her eyebrows in surprise. “I will do my best to be there as soon as possible, I swear it.”

 

“I know, I believe you.”

 

“I have to go now, but I will reach out tonight, okay?” The Commander said and Raven nodded, moving the radio away from her mouth as she sniffled, the last thing Lexa needed was to know she was a crying mess.

 

“Sure, talk to you later.”

 

Abby gave Raven a few minutes to gather herself before turning around to resume her work on the Mechanic’s leg.

 

“She is quite talented.” Abby admitted as she watched the wooden figure in Raven’s hands.

 

“Yeah, she has been making animal figures for Sirius too, they are very beautiful and realistic. I think when she comes back she will start debarking the trees she took down for our house.”

“What?” Abby asked, looking up at Raven with surprise.

 

“Lexa is making a house for Clarke and I, she saw the drawing on one of Clarke’s notebooks and started planning to build it, studying the terrain, stuff like that. She said she would debark them on the spring.”

 

“Clarke never mentioned it.” Abby said, her heart constricting in her chest. At some point in the future her daughter would move away permanently.

 

“It is not like you make it easy for her to talk to you.” Raven said, “she loves Lexa and you went against her, you said horrible things that couldn’t be farther from the truth. I know there are alphas that match the descriptions that you made, but Lexa is not like that. You went too far and you couldn’t be more mistaken.”

 

“I know.” Abby said. “How would that work, though? I thought the Commander had to remain in the capital.”

 

“She does, but during times of peace she has more time to herself, we are hoping that things will be calm enough for her to stay with us at least for a week at a time, if not we will move to Polis and keep the house as a vacation spot, a place to relax, it is right next to a lake after all, so that’s nice.” Raven said. “She doesn’t want her children to grow up in the tower, she wants to gives us as much normality as possible.”

 

“Children?” Abby asked, her eyes a little wide. “Do you plan to have more children with her? You know you don’t have to Raven, we just needed one child for the union to take place, you don’t need to share your body with her anymore if you don’t want to.”

 

“I do want to keep sharing my body with her, maybe we will have another kid in the future, when Sirius is a little older, it is not a sure thing but I am not completely opposed to it. And I am sure that Clarke and her will want to have a kid of their own.” Raven said and Abby’s expression instantly shifted into shock.

 

“They can’t get each other pregnant, they could die during the birth or even before it, alphas are not made to carry children, it is unlikely that they would survive it.” Abby said, fearing for her daughter, she knew it was unlikely that the Commander would get herself pregnant given her position.

 

“I know, they have talked about adopting a child from the Polis orphanage, the wars have left many children to fend for themselves.” Raven said as she observed Abby’s pale face. “We are a family and if you want to be a part of Clarke’s life you will have to start accepting that, I know we are in an unusual situation, but we are happy and that should mean more to you than whatever prejudice you are holding on to.”

 

“We are done here.” Abby said, wanting to be on her own. “You may go now, remember that you have the ultrasound in a few weeks and we have to do it even if she isn’t here.”

 

“Sure.” Raven said, picking up her stuff and leaving the room, Caia was waiting for her outside.

 

………………..

 

“Is there any particular reason why we are holding the meeting in your private quarters instead of the throne room, Heda?” Roan asked, his tone flat and holding distrust.

 

The man, now king, sported fancier robes than the last time Clarke had seen him, there was no crown on his head, though, and Clarke was then reminded of a conversation she had had with Lexa not too long ago. Her wife had mentioned that things within Azgeda were not stable after Queen Nia’s fall, and that Roan wanted his people to trust him, to find him worthy of the throne before sitting on it. He was the ruler, he led the people, he just hadn’t been coronated.

 

“What we are about to discuss is not something I wish the Ambassadors to know, which is why I invited you to the Capitol instead of speaking with the Azgeda representative. I know your position as leader of Azgeda is not yet established and I have no desire to put you in a more precarious position by saying what I am going to say in front of the other Clans.” The Commander said, and Clarke watched Roan’s factions harden.

 

“You are going to accuse me of something.” He said, hands clenched into fists.

 

“I am going to tell you a sequence of events and you will tell me what you would think if you were in my position.” Lexa said and Roan nodded.

 

“Months ago, an Union was formed between Trikru and Skaikru and we became one clan. I spent a week consummating said Union with my wife, Raven, and as you know the Union will only be complete after the birth of a child. Just as we were about to leave we were attacked by several warriors, all of them unmarked, all of them using arrows soaked in a very particular kind of poison, one that comes from a flower that can only survive during the winter. In most of the clans we have access to that poison for 3 moon cycles, but Azgeda has it for 6, almost 8 if the winter is as merciless as it has been this past season. I couldn’t blame the attack on your mother, I did not have enough proof, but then-”

 

“Then another attack came, a man with his face painted white tried to blow up the Mountain with all of us inside. Maybe he was sure of his success, because maybe if he hadn’t been he wouldn’t have worn your Clan colors with so much pride. As you know, he had the codes for the Mountain’s self-destruct Mechanism and that is knowledge only a Mountain Man would have.” Clarke said, taking over for Lexa. “Somehow your Mother allied herself with a Mountain Man and together they planned the attack, he would get to have me killed for what I did to his people and your mother would have killed Lexa, it was a win-win situation for both of them.”

 

“My mother was killed for her crimes.” Roan said, his tone pinched, his eyes hard.

 

“She was killed for her crimes and still we don’t have the man that provided her with the information necessary to blow up the Mountain. Just weeks ago, a group of Nomads attacked us with guns, the weapons of the Mountain and of the Skaikru, everyone belonging to the Skaikru has been accounted for, they hardly wander too far from their territory. So, if they didn’t train the Nomads in how to use guns, that only leads me to believe that they were trained by the same person that gave the Azgeda assassin the codes of the self-destruct mechanism and that in turn means that there is a possible alliance between the Nomads and the Azgeda.” Lexa said, and the slight widening of Roan’s eyes as well as the sudden paleness of his lips lead Clarke to believe that if there was an alliance between the Azgeda and the Nomads, Roan probably had nothing to do with it.

 

“Heda…” Roan said and his voice went extinct. Clarke just knew that kind of surprise and shock couldn’t be faked. “I owe you my life, I took your brand, I would not betray you. I know I am my mother’s son, but I believe to have honor and I have no desire to break our alliance.”

 

“You deny having an alliance with the Nomads?” Lexa asked, fixing Roan with a sharp gaze.

 

“I deny being a part of it. I am afraid there are too many things linking my people to the Nomads to deny such alliance, but I can assure you that I play no part in it and that it was not forged by me.” Roan said, his eyes honest and his voice steady.

 

“But you do believe that your people could be linked in some ways to the Nomads?” Clarke asked and Roan looked back at her thoughtfully.

 

“I couldn’t say for sure. There are groups of people that are loyal to my mother’s beliefs and ways of thinking, they believe me weak for having lost to you on that duel, they believe that Azgeda should lead the Coalition, they believe that our clan is superior and that because of that the other clans should seek us out and not the other way around. Some of them think me being so open and accepting of the trading with the other clans makes us look like we need them, make us weak… And the Nomads’ numbers have grown over the years, they need to form settlements, they need land, Azgeda wouldn’t be willing to give up theirs, but they would be willing to give them something else in return for their help.” Roan said.

 

Clarke watched Lexa walk towards the balcony and lean against the railing, she could see the tension crawl up the woman’s spine and settle right there, atop her shoulders.

 

“So, you believe the Nomads would help the Azgeda Rebels take power of the Coalition if they promise to give them land in return after they win?” Clarke asked, even if she already knew the answer.

 

“I believe so. Right now things are tense among my people, many are set on my mother’s ways, but still many more are already enjoying the benefits that come from the trade, they don’t care it makes them look weak, they just care about having food on the table every night and furs to keep them warm, so even if the rebel groups got bigger they would never be enough to fight against the Trikru Army, but if they have guns and the Nomads to help them they could do significant damage.”

 

“That does not matter.” Lexa said, she was still standing by the balcony, looking ahead into nothing, her brain working a mile per minute trying to find answers. “They don’t need an army to take control of the Coalition.”

 

“What?” Clarke asked, confused. “What are you talking about? There is no way a group of Azgeda rebels would be able to take us all down, it is just not possible.”

 

“Don’t you see, Clarke?” Lexa said, sharply turning around. “They do not need to take us all down, they just need to kill 9 of us.”

 

“The Nightbloods.” Roan said then, realization dawning on him quickly. “Ontari.”

 

“Where is she?” Lexa said at once, walking up to the Kind of Azgeda.

 

“Back at the Palace, she was fiercely loyal to my mother and she is a Nightblood, you are correct Heda, they don’t need an army, they just need to kill you and the Nightbloods and then she would have the right to be Heda because she bleeds black, by becoming Heda she would be able to give the Nomads the land they wanted, she would be able to command the Coalition’s army.” Roan said, knowing exactly what Lexa was thinking.

 

“That’s why the attack on us have gotten so frequent, they just need to kill you, Ontari will be summoned to Polis for the Conclave and she could win given that she is much older than Aden and the rest.” Clarke said. “What if you kill her?” The blonde said, turning to Roan, and even before he responded Lexa started shaking her head.

 

“He can’t do that, it is against the law.” Lexa said, thinking hard as she started to pace around the room. “The blood of a Nightblood is sacred, he won’t kill her, his people would never trust him if he did. We can only kill her if we catch her doing a dishonorable act, something that would bring shame to the spirit, that’s why Titus was so willing to kill Luna after she left, because he thought her unworthy after her escape, after her betrayal to the flame.”

 

“We need to make a plan then, we need to eliminate the threat of the Nomads, we need to eliminate Ontari’s system, if she has no supporters she will be forced to act on her own.” Clarke said.

 

“Heda, if I may.” Roan said and Lexa gave him a nod to continue. “I believe the threat within Azgeda must be neutralized first, the rebels that are against my rule need to be controlled, I have done what I can, but it is not enough if they have been able to keep steady connections with the Nomads. That will also help us eliminate Ontari’s supporters, we have to assume she is the leader, she is the only person with power that would want my mother’s dream to become a reality.”

 

“We need to call the war council, now that we know what’s happening I will do my best to convince them of your loyalty.”

 

“I will also insist on making these meetings in a more private setting, if I am not wrong we still do not know who betrayed your position at the cabin, Heda. We have to assume we are being heard.” Roan said and Clarke nodded along, that had been part of the reason why Lexa had decided to meet Roan inside her bed chambers and not on the throne room, the two guards posted at the door, which was the only way inside the room, had lost their tongues in battle, they were devoted to Lexa and had been ordered to not let anyone enter the floor they were in until their meeting was finished.

 

“Let’s hold the war council on the Mountain then, nobody but a few Skaikru plus the healers are inside. We can agree to not let anyone else in beside the representatives of the clans, there are also cameras everywhere so if there is anyone doing something unusual we will see it.” Clarke offered and Lexa nodded along.

 

“Roan, I would like you to go to the war council yourself instead of sending a representative. I find the current Azgeda ambassador very unpleasant.”

 

“Of course, Heda. I will prepare to replace him as soon as I get back to my lands, we wouldn’t want him to end up as the last one, would we?” Roan said, and Clarke saw the corner of his mouth tilt up in a smirk.

 

Lexa’s face remained impassive at the comment, none of her factions showed any kind of reaction to Roan’s words.

 

“I personally wouldn’t mind it, but if he does end up standing in the balcony with me at least you were warned beforehand.” Lexa said and Clarke did her best to keep herself from laughing.

 

After settling a few more things with Roan the king left the Commander’s chambers, leaving the two alphas on their own.

 

Clarke immediately moved towards Lexa, wrapping her arms around her wife’s middle. On the outside Lexa was calm and collected, as she usually was, but Clarke knew that on the inside she was anything but that.

 

“We will solve this, we will get through this just as we have gotten through everything else.” Clarke said, feeling as Lexa’s arms wrapped around her shoulders and hugged her close.

 

A moment later Lexa was pulling away, looking into Clarke’s eyes with an expression that made shivers shoot down the blonde’s spine.

 

“Promise me that if things go wrong you will do what you must so that Ontari does not take power. You and I both know that the Flame, that the Conclave doesn’t really mean anything, you hold no respect towards the flame, promise me you will do this for me.” Lexa said and Clarke opened her mouth to respond just to close it again.

 

She was going to say that things would be okay, that they would make it, that they were going to beat everything that came their way, but then she realized that that wasn’t the kind of reassurance Lexa needed.

 

“I will do what I must to make sure Ontari does not ascend, I promise you.”

“Thank you.” Lexa whispered, her shoulders losing some of the tension and slumping forwards as she allowed herself to fall into Clarke’s embrace.

 

“At least we get to go home now.” Clarke whispered, feeling Lexa smile against her neck.

 

……………

 

Raven was woken up by the sound of Bouda’s claws hitting the metal floors, she sat up in bed just in time to see the door open. The Commander entered the room a second later.

 

Raven’s face split into a smile as she got up from the bed and threw her arms around Lexa’s shoulders. Strong arms wrapped around her waist and held her tightly, the scent of smooth leather, wood and fresh grass filled her nose and goosebumps covered her skin. Raven breathed in deeply, her nose buried in Lexa’s neck as she did her best to get as much of her scent as she could into her lungs.

 

Lexa’s lips curled into a smile as she nosed at Raven’s hair, her hands unconsciously moved under the fabric of the omega’s sleeping shirt and she felt her skin, warm and soft. After so long the Commander finally felt calm, Raven was okay, Clarke was okay and Sirius was growing and growing.

 

“It is so much bigger now.” Lexa whispered, moving a hand from the small of Raven’s waist to her swollen belly.

 

“Are you calling me fat, Heda?” Raven asked, pulling away to stare into Lexa’s eyes, so green, light and tender.

 

“No, I am saying that our pup is much bigger now.” Lexa said as she smiled down at Raven. “He will be born in a few months, how are you feeling?”

 

“Heavy, my back and my feet are constantly sore, but the massages your mom has been giving me have helped a lot.” Raven said and she saw on Lexa’s face that she had completely forgotten about her mother’s presence in the mountain.

 

“My mother.” Lexa said, as if she had just found out.

 

“Yes, she is here with your siblings, I can’t believe you forgot.” Raven said, her face sporting confusion.

“It just seems unreal sometimes, I didn’t have much time to think about anything while I was away.” Lexa said and Raven had no trouble believing her, the Commander looked thoroughly exhausted, lines of worry marking the contour of her eyes.

 

“Things are rough out there, aren’t they?” Raven asked, reaching up to curl her hand around Lexa’s neck, tracing the soft skin there with her fingertips. Lexa let out a soft sigh and leaned her forehead against Raven’s.

 

“We will have plenty of time to talk about that tomorrow, let’s go to bed.” Lexa said and Raven nodded, unbuckling the Commander’s armor with ease, feeling happy and relieved once she took of her coat and shirt to see the bulletproof vest under. Raven gave Lexa and appreciative smile and took off the vest, leaving the Commander in her bindings and underwear.

 

“I think you owe me something.” Raven whispered, tilting her head up to press her lips against the commander’s. Lexa sighed contently, hugging Raven’s body tight against her own, feeling the soft curl of her belly press against her tight abdominal muscles. “I missed you.” Raven whispered, her eyes suddenly watering as she pressed another hard kiss to Lexa’s lips.

 

“I missed you, too.” Lexa answered, leaning in to hug Raven once again.

 

They lay in bed together, face to face, legs intertwined. Lexa kept a hand on Raven’s belly, feeling their baby kick right underneath.

 

“Where is Clarke?” Raven asked, noticing that the other alpha hadn’t come in with Lexa.

 

“She wanted to give us the night, said that she would stay in her old room.” Lexa said and Raven frowned.

 

“She didn’t have to do that, she belongs in this bed with us.”

 

“She insisted, I couldn’t convince her to come with me.” Lexa said and Raven sighed.

 

“Just for tonight.” Raven whispered, cuddling up to Lexa once again, burying her face against the alpha’s neck and remembering the conversation they had had over the radio just a couple of nights ago. Raven tilted her head up slightly so her lips would brush over the shell of the Commander’s ear. “I missed you, _baby_.”

 

The omega fell Lexa tense and a moment later the Commander was pulling back just to look at Raven in the eye.

 

“I am not a baby, I am Heda.” Lexa said, her tone was serious, but her eyes were soft and Raven knew that she wasn’t really bothered.

 

“Well, oh great Heda Lexa, I feel high levels of affection towards you, so it is only logical for me to call you something that expresses that affection, a term of endearment such as baby is perfectly suitable.” Raven said, using a very steady tone of voice, as if she was giving a lecture.

 

Lexa just looked back at Raven and leaned in to nuzzle her nose against hers, it was sweet and having Lexa’s mouth so close only made the omega want to kiss her.

 

“See? You are sweet, like a baby.” Raven said and Lexa sighed, pulling back to look into her eyes.

 

“I will ignore the infantilizing quality of the term and allow it only when we are in private.”

 

“Deal!” Raven said, leaning in to press her lips against Heda’s.

 

That night Raven could finally sleep properly.

 

………….

 

“If they want to kill the Nightbloods for Ontari then we must use them as bait, make them come out from wherever they are so we can take care of them.” Clarke said, as she stood by Lexa’s side at the head of the table.

 

“That would put the Nightbloods in danger, we can’t afford to endanger their sacred blood.” The Trishana Ambassador rushed to say.

 

“We know there is a mole among us, what we need is to make our enemy think that the Nightbloods are leaving the capital, they will try to attack the envoy to kill the children which would allow us to kill them.” The Commander said. “We won’t really be putting them in any danger.”

 

“Our enemy must not know that we know about them, so the Nightbloods would be leaving the tower under another excuse, to complete training with a general, to gain more experience with the dealings of a clan, what is important is that we all know and tell the same story, we are being heard so we can’t allow for our real plan to be noticed by our enemy.” Clarke said. “We would value your involvement during this fight, we are trying to avoid using the full strength of our armies because the Nomads are spread all over our borders and locating them would be difficult, but at the moment we need some of your gona to take them to the Ice Nation, the idea is that every clan spares some gona so that no clan will feel like they are under protected, at the given time it is important that we control and try to avoid the rising of Ontari Kom Azgeda and for that we need to neutralize the rebels that stand by her side. Roan has done his best, but there is no real way of knowing who is on his side and who isn’t, because of that we need reliable gona, who are loyal to you as their leaders and to the Commander as head of the Coalition.”

 

“We must force them to attack in a place where we can also hide our gona. I believe it would be a good idea to spread the Nightbloods, send them in different directions, that would force them to divide themselves and would ensure that they would be outnumbered during the attack.” The Plain Riders Ambassador said and Lexa nodded in appreciation, motioning them all towards the map on the table.

 

“Yes, that would surely give us some advantage over them.” The Commander said. “There are routes that we usually avoid because they are vulnerable places for attack. The bridge that runs over the frozen river, it is north of Trikru and the water comes down from the north, from Azgeda. Bridges are always dangerous because it is likely that the enemy would cover both ends and trap us in the middle-”

 

“We should let them.” Raven said suddenly, she had been quiet for most of the meeting but now she had an idea. “The carriage that would have the Nightblood inside should be empty and there should be only one rider, said rider could jump into the river and trigger an explosive that would be inside the carriage, the explosion would kill all of those within reach and those who aren’t would fall into the river, we just need some of our gona to be around in case any of them would be left alive.”

 

“Our enemy would be wary of a carriage that is supposedly holding a Nightblood and that only has one gona for protection, they know Heda wouldn’t send a Nightblood child so unprotected.” The Ambassador from the Broadleaf Clan said.

 

“They wouldn’t be wary if they thought that was part of the plan all along.” Raven said, and all the ambassadors sitting around the table looked at her with confusion. Lexa and Clarke watched her intently, the Commander with pride in her chest and the blonde with a small smile on her lips.

 

“We know someone is spying on us and feeding Ontari information, we just need that person, whoever they are, to hear about Heda’s plan, about how she plans to send out 2 carriages for each Nightblood, one heavily protected but empty, and one without protection but holding the Nightblood inside. Heda would do this to trick the enemy into attacking a carriage that has been empty all along. Of course, we all know that both carriages would be empty either way because the Nightbloods are not really been sent anywhere.” Raven said, watching realization dawn on their faces. “If they were still wary and attacked the heavily warded carriage it wouldn’t matter anyway, because our gona would take care of them and the Nightbloods would still be safely inside the Tower.”

 

 “We could split the Nightbloods in pairs and supposedly use 4 routes to send them away, one of them would be the bridge, there is a town 10 minutes away in horseback, when they hear the explosion our gona would go there and take care of those who survive the bomb. Then there is the path right next to the incline west of Trikru territory, there are rock formations around it where our gona could hide and from where they could attack. We could also use the path between the village of Vale and the village of Attes, there are cave formations around it where our gona could hide and finally the path between Polis and Arkadia, we would pass over the Bunker, it is big enough to hold several gona and it is underground so they wouldn’t be seen.” The Commander said, putting small wooden pieces on the exact places on her map.

 

“Would we use the Skaikru explosives in all of them?”

 

“We could, just not the same way.” Raven said, looking thoughtful. “Our enemy has guns, if they fired towards the carriage it would blow upon impact, on the bridge it would work because they have to get at least towards each end of the bridge to trap the carriage in the middle, so even when they started shooting, they still would be within range of the bomb, but on the other places they could shoot from a tree. If they tried to shoot the rider, they could miss, hit the carriage instead, the bomb would detonate and wouldn’t kill a single Nomad.”

 

“We need to be smart about this, our weapons are deadly but they are not infinite, we need to save as many resources as we can, we won’t have this number of weapons forever.” Clarke said, putting her hands on the table and leaning forwards slightly while she tried to lay eyes on each of the ambassadors. “We know the Nomads mostly attack at night, we know they have no sense of honor, which means that they will attack when we aren’t looking, we know that they have guns and that that gives them the power to attack from afar if they have good visibility. The good thing about knowing all of this is that we want them to attack us because we want to get rid of them, but at the same time we have to make sure that we will come out of each fight victorious and that the tide won’t turn against us.”

 

“Which is why none of the carriages will ever stop for the night on a clearing at least that we plan it that way, they know we must stop somewhere, that we need to set camp during the night, but we can’t do that in an open space because shooting us down then would be far too easy, we need them close and at the same time we need to be ready for a change of plans. It makes the most sense to attack on the bridge, on the rock formation near the incline, but we need to be ready in case they do not do that, which is why we plan to have our gona spread all over the route disguised as regular villagers in case they attack somewhere else. We will put ourselves in a vulnerable position, tempting them to attack us, but if they don’t we will have back up.” Lexa said, leaning over the table to place her hand on the bridge that went over the Frozen River. “We know that the Nomads favor attacking at night, so we have to make sure our carriage passes over the bridge once the sky is dark, not a second early. It is the same with the West route by the incline, with the path between Vale and Attes and the caves, with the route between Polis and Arkadida and the Bunker. For the first two we need to make sure the carriage passes by the bridge and the rock formations when dark and for the last two we need to make sure the carriages settle for the night near the bunker and near the caves.”

 

“Heda, if I may.” Octavia said from where she stood behind Lexa. The Commander turned around with an unreadable expression and motioned Octavia to move closer we a nod of her head.

 

“You may speak.” The Commander said, and Octavia nodded.

 

“I believe the Nomads will want to win this as much as we do, they need Ontari to rise for her to give them the land, so they will want to prepare to attack those carriages as soon as they know they are going to be in the move.” Octavia said and the people around the table looked at her with blank eyes, she was basically stating the obvious. “What I mean is that if I were the Nomad Commander, or their leader, I would want to use those rock formations and those caves to hide my gona too. I would want to make a surprise attack, so I need my gona to be ready to strike and for that I need them to be hidden as much as we need our gona to be hidden, do you see what I am saying?” Octavia said, looking up at Lexa with sure eyes. The Second’s chest filled quietly with pride when she saw realization down on the Commander.

 

“You think we will be able to take them down even before they attack the carriage.” The Commander stated, tilting her head down to prompt Octavia to elaborate.

 

“Yes, Heda. I mean, the lay out of the land is the same for both parties, they don’t think we are coming for them, they don’t think we are even looking their way now that the Winter is over, so they will probably use the smartest places to hide just like we would, meaning the rocks and the caves. With the bridge and the bunker is different because we don’t know where they will come from, but with the rocks and the caves, there is not really much of a choice, the territory is too unstable and hostile so those are safest and smartest bets.” Octavia said, pointed at the map excitedly to make her point. “Look at these routes, they can’t hide in hills, they can’t hide behind trees, the caves and the rocks are the only choice, we just have to be there before them, that’s where our gona were going to hide in either way. So as soon as we spread the news about the Nightbloods leaving the capital, we have to locate our gona on those places in case the Nomads try to locate their gona there, too. We only have to make sure they can’t communicate with each other, because if the Nomads that plan to attack the bridge get notice of our attacks towards the Nomads that will be in the caves they could suspect our intentions.”

 

“That is highly unlikely, the four routes are far from each other, it would take a rider days to travel between them because of how dangerous the paths are, it takes time to go through them.” The Commander said. “The lands of Trikru are vast, even bigger now that the territory around the Mountain can be lived in, they won’t be able to communicate with each other at least that they have a communication system like Skaikru’s.”

 

“Even if they had it it would be a stretch to say they would be able to communicate, our radios are only able to reach Polis because the Mountain’s technology helps us boost the signal.” Raven said and Clarke nodded in response, picking up right where the omega had left.

 

“It is also unlikely that they have radios, we didn’t find anything like that in our bunker, so we have to assume they would communicate on foot.” Clarke said and the conversation continued onto something else.

 

The conversation extended for a few more hours as the planning got more detailed, timelines were made and they were divided into groups. The squadron that would attack the bridge would be led by Bellamy, who was familiar enough with Raven’s explosives; the one that would attack near the bunker would be led by Clarke, who was the most familiar with the area and with the bunker itself and the one that would attack near the caves would be led by Indra.

 

“What about the one that will attack near the rock formations?” an Ambassador asked and Lexa looked up from the map with a calm expression on her face.

 

“My Second will be leading that group.” Lexa said. “I will be with Clarke in the bunker, which right now seems to be the least controlled attack with the highest possibility of things going wrong, while Octavia and Indra deal with the rocks and the caves as it is possible that we will be able to get rid of them before they even attack the carriages, and Bellamy takes care of the bridge. We will finish planning tomorrow.” The Commander said, dismissing everyone.

 

Once the Ambassadors had left and both Raven and Clarke stepped outside, Octavia called the Commander, stopping her before she could leave.

 

“Heda, I am still a Second, I do not think it is proper for me to lead the attack team.” Octavia said, her voice hesitant. The Commander tilted her head up, staring at Octavia in a way that made the omega a little nervous.

 

“Do you not trust my judgement?”

 

“No, Heda- I mean, I do trust your judgement I just believe someone with more experience should lead something as important as this.” the omega said.

 

“You have been training with me, you follow me everywhere, you now have a wider vision of how the dealings among the clans work. Most of all, you proved to me that you can be trusted to make the right decisions, that’s what I need right now. There is a mole, someone feeding the enemy information, I need someone I can trust. Besides, you were the one to point out that we might be able to eliminate the threat in the caves and the rocks before it even becomes a threat. Experience is important, but you won’t have it if I don’t allow you to do things like this and I don’t want you to be my Second for the rest of your days.” The Commander said and Octavia nodded.

 

“Mochof, Heda.” She said, and Lexa gave her a small smile.

 

“Go rest, tomorrow will be a long day.”

 

“Sha, Heda.”

 

………………………….

 

That night Lexa, Raven and Clarke lay in bed quietly, the blonde had fallen asleep first curled protectively around Lexa’s back, with one arm wrapped securely around the Commander’s middle. Lexa was on her side with her head resting on Raven’s chest, she was unable to sleep and so she lay there, staring down at the omega’s swollen belly. The birth of their child was close, only two months away and the Commander was more worried than she would admit.

 

Raven, knowing that the Commander wasn’t asleep, had her hand curled around the back of Lexa’s neck, burying her fingers in soft hair and drawing light shapes, knowing that if that didn’t help the Commander relax, nothing would. Almost an hour later the Commander was still awake. Raven sighed, her fingers still entangled in the soft hairs on the back of Lexa’s head.

 

“Baby?” Raven called, her voice quiet. Lexa only hummed in acknowledgement. “What’s troubling you? You are thinking so loud I can’t fall asleep.”

 

“Forgive me.” Lexa whispered and didn’t say anything else. Raven frowned and stilled her fingers.

 

“I am not looking for an apology, I want you to tell me what’s going on. Are you worried about the Nomad/Azgeda issue?” Raven asked, keeping her voice down to try and not wake up Clarke.

 

“No, I am just… The birth of our child is only months away and I know both of you are as healthy as you can be, but I can’t help but worry about you. I know that you said that there were hardly complications during pregnancy and childbirth among your people, but here it is not like that. Sometimes omegas die during labor, things go wrong and the child is born healthy but in a pool of their mother’s blood, it doesn’t happen often and it isn’t as dangerous as it would be for an alpha to give birth, but I still worry that something is going to happen to you.” Lexa whispered into Raven’s chest one of her hands placed gently atop her belly.

 

“Can you look at me?” Raven said. Lexa closed her eyes for a moment, unwilling to agree, but after a couple of seconds she tilted herself back, looking into Raven’s eyes with concern. “You are not losing another child, Sirius is going to be okay.”

 

“But what if I lose you instead? What if I have to choose between saving you and saving him?”

 

“You will choose him, there is no other choice, he is the child that will seal the union between our people. And even if he wasn’t, I don’t think you would choose me over him, I wouldn’t want you to. He deserves to live.” Raven said her tone sure and leaving no room for argument.

 

“But how could I love him if he becomes the reason why you are not by my side?” Lexa asked, her expression deeply troubled, her eyes dark as they stared into Raven’s.

 

“You know it wouldn’t be his fault.” Raven said, frowning.

 

“I know it wouldn’t, I know he is innocent of all faults, but I am only human Raven. How will I look at him without seeing your death? How will I stop myself from letting the most irrational part of me blame him for your absence?” Lexa asked, her face contorting in agony as if the thought alone was causing her pain.

 

“You will love him more than you have ever loved anything and because of that you won’t blame him for whatever happens to me. You will lay eyes on him and you will fall in love.” Raven said and somehow the words left a weird taste in her mouth. She knew it couldn’t possibly be that easy, she knew that there was a bond forming between her and Lexa and that if she were to die the Commander would be in pain and Sirius wouldn’t be able to stop it, the grief of losing one’s mate was known to drive some people into madness. Simply losing someone dear to your heart, not necessarily a mate, but maybe a close friend or a family member was enough to weaken the strongest person.

 

“I worry about you dying, I worry about him dying, I worry about being unable to love him if I lose you. That would truly make me a monster, if I am not one already. Sirius is my boy, my child, and I love him, but what if you die and I start hating him for it.” Lexa said, her voice quiet and ashamed, she was horrified by the possibility of feeling such horrible things, but she just couldn’t see herself without Raven, not anymore.

 

“If something goes wrong and I die during birth you will love Sirius for the both of us. If you ever feel like my absence is his fault then you will never act on it, you will make sure he is happy, you will keep him safe and you will be the best mother you can be because he is mine, he is a piece of me and treating him wrong would be like treating me wrong. If I die you will love him because he is the only part of me you’ll have left and if that’s not enough then you will make it so, because if you don’t I will never forgive you.” Raven said and her words did nothing to calm Lexa’s mind.

 

“Forgive me for having these awful thoughts. I will go for a walk.” Lexa said and before Raven could say anything else the Commander was up and out of bed, Bouda right behind her as she closed the door.

 

Clarke woke up startled by the sudden movement, she stared at the door and then at Raven, the look on the omega’s face was enough to worry her.

 

“Wait, just leave her be for a moment.” Raven said, grabbing Clarke’s arm and keeping her from going after Lexa. “Trust me on this one, she needs a little time for herself.”

 

None of them slept that night.

 

…………….

 

Raven was only able to sleep for few hours right after sunrise, once she realized that Lexa wouldn't come back. Clarke had remained quietly by her side, holding her hand, and only got up when she was summoned for the meeting with the ambassadors.

 

“Whatever it is we will figure it out.” The blonde said, pressing a kiss to Raven’s forehead before walking towards the door.

Raven called Clarke back, keeping her from leaving and asking her about her rut.

 

“Seems like it won’t be coming.” Clarke said. “My mother believes it’s because I started taking suppressants weeks before my rut was due to handle Lexa’s better.”

 

“Damn.” Raven responded, giving the blonde a teasing smile. “I was looking forward to that.”

 

Clarke answered with an eye roll, placing another kiss on Raven’s forehead before leaving.

 

A few minutes later Caia had come with her breakfast and with Kai, Lexa’s little sister. Even after the Commander had come back Caia still came to check on Raven regularly every time she could.

 

“Hello, pretty girl.” Raven told the child, offering her a small smile. The little girl blushed and walked closer to the bed.

 

“Heya, Raven.” Kai said, her blue eyes light and big, her hair braided beautifully, her smile making a dimple appear on her left cheek.

 

“Do you want me to borrow you some of Sirius’ toys?” Raven offered, knowing that the girl had taken a liking to the wooden animals Lexa had made for their child.

 

“Can I go to the hallway with Vulcan instead?” The child asked and after hearing his name the wolf stood on the bed, much bigger than he was a few months ago.

 

“Sure, be careful not to get lost though, this place is too big.” Raven said and the girl nodded rapidly, dashing out the door with the wolf by her side.

 

Caia placed the tray with food on Raven’s lap and sat down by her feet, taking out a bottle of oil and letting some of its content fall onto her palms, a moment later she was massaging Raven’s sore feet.

 

“Thank you.” Raven whispered and Caia looked up at her with a smile. “Have you been able to talk to her yet?”

 

“No, she has been busy with the ambassador and the generals, locked in the council room with them for most of the day. I assumed you would be in today’s meeting as well.” Caia said, her hands never stopping her motions over Raven’s feet.

 

“No, everything I have to do was basically covered yesterday, today they will discuss things that don’t concern me.” Raven said and Caia nodded in understanding. “I am sorry you haven’t been able to see her and that she hasn’t had the time to bond with Leif and Kai.”

 

“Don’t apologize for that, I didn’t expect her to act anything differently when I came here. She is the Commander, she has more pressing matters to take care of. I am happy to be around her and see her, maybe when things calm down we will be able to spend more time together.” Caia said and Raven nodded. The omega knew that Lexa couldn’t just walk up to Caia and hug her, that would be unbecoming of a Commander and would give her another weak spot for people to exploit.

 

“Is there something bothering you, child?” Caia asked, half an hour had past and Raven’s food was still on her plate.

 

“Can I ask you something?” Raven said, her face contorted in a worry. Caia looked up from Raven’s feet and nodded. “If you had a partner and you got said partner pregnant and then that partner died during the birth of your child, would you blame the child for it?”

 

“Is this something Lexa is worried about?” Caia asked, her tone sad as the corners of her lips tilted downwards. Raven tried to deny it, but it was to no avail.

 

“She worries about me dying during the birth, about being unable to look at Sirius without feeling my absence, about blaming him for it, treating him wrongly.” Raven said, shaking her head with a troubling expression. “I know Lexa, I know her heart, I know she would never be able to hate a child, would she?”

 

“No.” Caia said, reaching out to hold Raven’s hand. “But she is capable of hating herself.”

 

“What?” Raven said, confused. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

 

“It doesn’t make sense that she blames herself for Costia’s death either, but she does. She thinks about the what ifs, _what if I hadn’t pursued my feelings, what if I had given her more protection, what if I had stayed away_. She hates herself more than she ever hated the Ice Queen. I believe it would be the same if something happened to you during the birth of the child, _what if I hadn’t accepted the union, what if I had forced the Skaikru to join the alliance without the merger of the two clans, what if I hadn’t accepted Raven as a suitable candidate, what if I hadn’t gotten her pregnant, what if I hadn’t allowed myself to care so much._ ” Caia said, closing her eyes for a second and tilting her head down. “Right know she worries about how she will feel about the child if you die, but that only happens because she can’t love if she’s too busy hating herself and blaming herself. She will feel like she killed you for getting you pregnant, like she took away your life, your freedom. And how can she have something as precious as a child if she has done such awful things.”

 

“That’s just- she can’t- that’s-” Raven stuttered, unable to finish a single sentence as Caia’s words dawned on her.

 

“You know what I say is true, I know I have been away for years but Lexa is still the dying child that came to life because of the heat radiating from my chest. She came to life with her small hands clutching at my skin, and she might have changed but her essence is still the same.” Caia said, looking up at Raven with a concerned expression. “I truly hope that it doesn’t come to that.”

 

“Me too.” Raven whispered, her hands reaching down to caress her belly, feeling Sirius kick lightly right under her palm.

 

…………….

 

At some point the exhaustion caught up with Raven and she fell into an uneasy sleep, Caia’s words latched tightly onto her brain.

 

She woke up with the feeling of something unbelievably soft caressing her cheek, she immediately knew it wasn’t Lexa, the Commander was gentle, but the callouses on her palms were not something that could go ignored. Still, when Raven opened her eyes she saw the Commander, sitting by her side with a beautiful flower in her hand.

 

“For you.” the Commander said, offering Raven the flower. “I hope you can forgive me for what I said earlier, I know that if things go wrong Sirius would be innocent from all faults. It is my responsibility.” Lexa said, confirming exactly what Caia had told Raven earlier.

 

“Lex-” Raven tried to intervene but the Commander stood up from the bed and outstretched her arms towards the freshly made crib that stood beside the bed. It was beautifully carved with vines and leaves and because of the shape of it Raven knew it could move in a rocking motion. “Did you spend the whole night working on this?”

 

“I could not sleep and the birth is near, we need to gather everything he will need. The best clothes from the softest fabrics are already being made in Polis, they will send them soon. Everything will be ready on time, I promise.” Lexa said and Raven frowned in concern.

 

The omega stood up and moved close to Lexa, cupping her cheeks and leaning her forehead against the alpha’s. She could see the exhaustion in the deep bags that darkened her eyes and in the heavy hang of her shoulders.

 

“I am going to build him the best live, I promise you.”

 

“I know, I don’t doubt it for a second.” Raven said, leaning in and fitting her mouth to Lexa’s, kissing her gently and feeling the Commander’s lips tremble between her own. “It’s okay, it’s okay.” Raven whispered, cupping the back of Lexa’s neck and bringer her close, hugging her tightly. “You are not going to lose me, Abby is going to do her best so everything goes well and she is very good at what she does. And if anything goes wrong you must know it is not on Sirius, or on you, it is nature, okay?” Raven said, and even though the Commander nodded in response the omega knew Lexa hadn’t believed a word she had said, she felt it in how tense her shoulders got, in how her scent filled with guilt and shame.

 

“Everything will be okay.” Raven insisted, but it did nothing to calm the Commander’s mind.

 

………………..

 

The following days were filled with activity for everyone, Raven making explosives, Clarke planning the Bunker attack, Lexa coordinating everything at Polis. The Commander had left back to the capital to spread the news about the Nightbloods leave and on that same day the four attack teams were to settle on their respective positions.

 

Fake meetings were held at the Polis tower, the ambassadors talking about the locations the Nightbloods would go to and why, plans about the routes were made and the Commander’s supposed secret plan about sending out two carriages for each pair of Nightbloods was whispered from mouth to mouth. They tried to be cautious enough to not seem like they wanted everyone to know, even though that was the real objective.

 

On the day the Nightbloods were supposed to leave, almost three days after their trip had been announced, the Commander and her most trusted warriors moved the children towards the stables, there they used a secret tunnel that lead them from the stables to the tower’s underground levels. The people of Polis watched the Nightbloods go into the stables, they saw the carriages leave, but the children were not inside.

 

After that the Commander got into the rover and Miller drove her back to the place where she would meet Clarke and their gona inside the bunker, knowing that by using the vehicle they would make it to the location much faster than the carriage would.

 

Just as Octavia had predicted, on the third day after the announcement was made, groups of Nomads reached the rock formations west of Trikru territory and the Caves between the villages of Vale and Attes. The Nomads, unsuspecting of the attack, had been completely bested by the forces of the Coalition. Indra and Octavia made sure to be done with them swiftly and painlessly, making sure none of them got to escape to warn the rest. They only let one of them live for questioning, if they could prove that Ontari was behind the whole plan that would make her unworthy of the flame and she would be judged as any other citizen.

 

The bridge attack went in a similar fashion. The Nomads trapped the carriage in the middle of the bridge, opening fire on it and killing the rider, who didn’t have time to trigger the explosive. In the end it wasn’t needed, once a bullet hit the bomb the bridge exploded, collapsed and most of the Nomads, being so close, were killed by it. A few minutes later, when Bellamy and his group reached the bridge they found it in ruins, the bodies of the Nomads that had been farther away from the bomb had been thrown back and they were laying there in the grass, mangled and bloodied but still alive. Bellamy made sure to end their misery with a bullet to each of their brains, letting only one of them live, the one that was less hurt and that they thought would make the trip back to the Mountain.

 

They spent the following days searching the river, picking up what they could recover of the Nomads that had fallen under after the explosion, making sure none of them had made it out alive.

 

The attack near the Bunker didn’t go so swiftly. The carriage passed over the bunker as they had planned and the few gona, dressed as villagers, that had been traveling with the carriage settled camp nearby. They had a man up in the trees that would keep an eye on the carriage and that would inform them if there was any movement, but as the moon continued to go up on the sky they heard nothing from him.

 

Clarke tried to reach out through the radio they had given the gona, but only static came back as a response.

 

“We can only assume he was taken down.” Clarke said, looking up at Lexa in the dim light. They had been huddled inside the bunker for days, the stench was beginning to make her dizzy and she was sure she would be blinded by the sun next time she saw it.

 

They were about to send another gona out to check what was going on when they heard something heavy land on the bunkers’ metal door. Several feet passed over it before things went quiet.

 

“Where were they?”

 

“Up in the trees, I believe.” Lexa said. “They must have gotten here and climbed up the trees to remain hidden.”

 

“Our gona would have seen them get here.” Clarke said. “And last time he checked in there was no movement outside.”

 

“They must have gotten here this morning after the last scheduled check in. We might not have revealed this location as the rest point, but they only needed to use logic, they know as well as we do how long does it take to get to Arkadia from Polis, so they only needed to know at what time the carriage would leave the capital to figure out where the carriage would be once the sun went down.” Lexa explained, “They must have gotten here sometime this afternoon, after the check in, they might have encountered our gona, assumed he was a scout and killed him and then they climbed the trees, we wouldn’t know because we aren’t out there to see it.”

 

“How do we proceed now?” Clarke asked and Lexa looked around the bunker, prompting her gona to move closer.

 

“We are not hearing any more footsteps so we need to assume they are going towards the carriage, we will go out, hide behind the cover of the trees and take them while they aren’t looking. Skaikru gona, I want you to take out as many of them as you can while the Trikru take care of those who try to run away. They have guns as we do, so try not to leave yourselves open. We will go out slowly and we must be careful of where we step on, if they hear us, they will shoot us.”

 

Things were done as Lexa had ordered them, but it couldn’t be that easy, as soon as they made it out the Trikru gona started dropping to the ground like flies, there were still Nomads up in the trees. And of course, as soon as they started shooting, the Nomads that were surrounding the carriage turned around and opened fire on the Commander’s gona as well.

 

Before things could get any worse Clarke dove behind a fallen tree trunk, keeping her body pressed to the ground as bullets flew over her head. She took a device Raven had given her from her pocket and made the explosives inside the carriage detonate.

 

The explosion took the lives of many Nomads that had been in close proximity to the carriage and had sent the rest, the ones that had been a little farther away, flying, unconscious and injured. The flow of bullets slowed and came only from the top of the trees and because the Commanders gona had quickly taken cover the Nomads were forced to drop down to the ground to not waste their ammunition shooting at unclear targets.

 

Once on the ground the playing field was evened, with both sides shooting at each other from their respective covers. The Nomads aided by guns and the Commander’s gonas aided by guns and bows.

 

Eventually the Commander’s gona were forced to move out of their covers and attack. With both sides in hiding the fight didn’t seem to go anywhere, so Lexa tried to see where the enemy was before diving from behind the tree and towards another, which was a little closer to the Nomads, bullets were instantly shot her way but luckily none of them managed to hit their mark. The gona, seeing what their Heda was doing, started trying to do the same, moving forward by diving behind the cover of one tree to another, and getting as close as they could to the Nomads. The dark of the night helped, but still some bullets managed to hit their targets, and some of the Commander’s gona ended up on the grass, bleeding.

 

Still, with the approach of the gona the Nomads were forced to move and were quickly shot down by the Skaikru gun men. The ones that stayed within their covers were taken by the Commander herself and those who had managed to get close without getting shot. It took time and many of the Commander’s gona ended up injured, but in the end the Nomads were defeated and Clarke walked around trying to save as many of the gona as she could.

 

“Will they make it?” Lexa asked. Clarke stood up from where she was kneeling beside one of the gona.

 

“Yes, most of them will. They were moving so they didn’t get to aim right, didn’t manage any kill shots. I have managed to stop the bleeding, but they need to be treated quickly. A team is already on its way from the mountain, they shouldn’t take long.” Clarke said, wiping her bloody hands on her pants before reaching out for Lexa’s hands. “Are you okay?”

 

The Commander nodded, leaning in to press a kiss to Clarke’s temple and noticing the blood dripping down her arm. Lexa frowned and reached out to examine the wound on Clarke’s arm.

 

“Don’t worry, it is just a grace, barely even hurts.” Clarke said as she watched a quiet fury fill Lexa’s eyes. The Commander ripped a piece of her sash and tied it around Clarke’s wound. “Hey.” Clarke whispered, cupping Lexa’s chin with her hands and looking up into her eyes. “I am fine, I promise.”

 

Lexa was suddenly distracted from the small smile on the blonde’s face by something glinting in the moonlight from behind the blonde. Lexa recognized the barrel of a gun and pushed Clarke away a second before the shot was fired. A moment later sharp pain exploded in the middle of her chest, the air was knocked right out of her lungs and she was thrown back.

 

Clarke crashed to the floor, eyes wide with shock as her gaze moved from Lexa’s fallen body and towards the Nomad laying near the remains of the carriage, she was missing a leg but was still leaning up with the gun shakily held in her grasp. Clarke didn’t have to think twice as she angrily pulled out her gun and shot her right between the eyes.

 

The blonde scrambled desperately to Lexa’s side. The alpha’s eyes were open and a little watery, she breathed heavily as she clutched her chest. Clarke moved the Commander’s hands away, removing the ballistic vest and then unbuckling the Commander’s armor, taking it off as quickly as she could until she came in contact with skin. Unpenetrated skin. Relief crashed against the blonde in waves, she knew the bruising would be deep, that the pain would remain for days to come and that the Commander would have to be checked for internal injuries, but there was no blood.

 

“You are okay.” Clarke said, looking up at Lexa with a watery smile. The Commander nodded, placing her hand on the center of her chest with a wince.

 

“I am okay, Clarke.” Lexa said. “However, I must admit that was rather unpleasant.”

 

“I don’t doubt it.” the blonde whispered, reaching out to take the Commander into her arms and hold her close, placing soft kisses to the Commander’s head. “We can go home now. I am going to take care of you once we are there, okay? And you have to promise to take it easy.”

 

“There’s no need, it is only some pain. Nothing I can’t deal with.”

 

“You still need to get checked so please, don’t be stubborn and listen to me. If you hadn’t had the vest that bullet would have ripped through your lungs, maybe your heart would have been compromised too, so just listen to me.” Clarke said, looking into Lexa’s eyes with a very serious expression.

 

“I always listen to you.” Lexa said and Clarke smiled, leaning down to press a kiss to the Commander’s lips.

 

“Good.” Clarke said, and from afar she heard the rumbling of the rover. She helped the Commander to her feet and then kept her close as they were taken away and back to the mountain.

 

…………….

 

Once Lexa woke up again she was at the Mountain’s med bay, Abby was standing beside her bed writing something in what she guessed was her chart, while Raven stood up from her chair and moved closer to her.

 

“Look Lexa, when I ask you to do something I expect you to do exactly that not the opposite. So, when I ask you to not get your ass shot, that means that you should not get your ass shot, nothing else.”

 

“It’s just some bruising.” Lexa said, reaching out to hold Raven’s hand.

 

“There are actually a few cracked ribs, deep bruising and soft tissue damage.” Abby said without looking up from the chart.

 

Raven arched her eyebrows at Lexa, feeling annoyed and a little angry.

 

“I am fine, I have had worse injuries.” Lexa said, smiling up at Raven as she reached out for her hand.

 

Abby hummed and gave a short nod, agreeing with the Commander.

 

“There is not much we can do to accelerate the healing process, but I can offer you some pain medication to keep you comfortable.” The Doctor said and Lexa nodded.

 

“Will they have any side effects? I can’t afford to be unaware, not now.”

 

“No, they are very mild, you shouldn’t experience any side effects.” Abby said and the Commander nodded.

 

“You did know that Clarke was wearing a vest as well, right? I mean, I didn’t want her to get hurt either, but she would have been fine.” Raven said, sitting down when her ankles started to ache. She was ridiculously big and standing up for a prolonged period of time fatigued her to no end.

 

Lexa sat up on the bed, a hand unconsciously going to the place where the bullet had hit her chest.

 

“I would never willingly let Clarke get hurt. This pain is unpleasant, but I am glad I pushed her away in time.” Lexa said and Raven stood up to settle between her legs, both her arms curled around the Commander’s neck as she leaned in to kiss her.

 

“You noble idiot.” Raven said, her lips tilted up in a smile as she felt Lexa press gentle kisses against her cheeks.

 

“Let’s go settle for the night, yes?” Lexa said, standing up and wrapping an arm around Raven’s waist while the other caressed her swollen belly, Sirius was kicking incessantly right under her palm. “You must be exhausted.”

 

“Of course, because I am the one who has spent the last couple of days fighting Nomads.” Raven said, her hands busy as they buttoned Lexa’s coat.

 

“I am sure being with child is just as exhausting.” Lexa said, rubbing Raven’s back gently as she leaned in to press a kiss to the top of her head. “Let’s go.” Lexa said, turning her head until Abby was again on her field of vision and giving the Doctor a short nod before leaving with Raven by her side.

 

The Doctor nodded back, staring at the door after they have left for a couple of seconds. She didn’t know that Lexa had taken the bullet for Clarke, much less that she had done it while knowing that her daughter wouldn't have been seriously hurt either way.

 

………..

 

“I can’t keep sleeping in the middle, I basically pee every five seconds now.” Raven said as she pushed Lexa towards the middle of the bed.

 

“He is going to be born soon, the supplies should be brought from Polis in a few days.” Lexa whispered, moving her hand under the Mechanic’s belly and caressing her soft skin.

 

“We have everything we need here, we don’t really need anything else. I was thinking we could transform the small studio over there into his room though, I know you wanted him to be here with us, but the studio is right there, we would just have to cross the room.” Raven said as she looked over at the studio that was near the bathroom. She rarely went there, but Lexa liked it, it had many books that weren’t in the Polis library and that the Commander hadn’t read yet.

 

“We have access to it from our room, so it might be a good idea.”

 

“I was thinking maybe Clarke could paint it.” Raven said, sounding hesitant. “This place is so grey and bland, maybe Clarke could do something cool with the metal walls.”

 

“That would be nice, we can ask her when she comes back from the medbay.”

 

“Okay, baby.” Raven said, moving closer to cuddle into Lexa’s face. The Commander smiled, curling her arms around the Mechanic’s back and placing a kiss atop her head.

 

……………….

 

The morning after Lexa woke up with a sweet, warm scent tickling her nose. At first, she thought it was Raven, as that was what the omega had started to smell like when she got pregnant, but as she continued to breathe in she realized that Raven’s scent was still quite different. Lexa frowned slightly, opening her eyes with confusion. She was met with the pale skin belonging to the arch of Clarke’s neck.

 

A cool shiver traveled down the length of Lexa’s spine, her skin was flooded by goosebumps and she felt all the blood drain from her face at one. Clarke’s scent had taken the same warmth, the same sweetness that Raven’s had, that Costia’s had taken so long ago.

 

The sudden stiffness of Lexa’s body made her clutch at Clarke’s arm harder than necessary, making the blonde wake up with a small wince. Clarke frowned in confusion, blinking the sleep away from her eyes as she rolled over to look at Lexa.

 

“Love? What’s wrong?” the blonde asked, feeling scared at the paleness of Lexa’s cheeks.

 

“We need to go see your mother.” Lexa said, her tone flat and blank as she stared back at Clarke.

 

“Why? Are you feeling okay? Is the bullet wound bothering you?” Clarke asked, concern filling her chest as she reached out for the deep bruising on Lexa’s chest.

 

“No, Clarke.” Lexa said, stilling Clarke’s hands with her own and letting her gaze meet the blonde’s. “You are pregnant.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I suck at updating, I am sorry. At least the chapters are long-ish(? I hope you guys liked it, I feel quite unsure about it, like maybe it was boring? maybe there wasn't enought fluff? I just needed certain things to happen to move the plot and the characters forward, but still, I'd like to know what you think so be sure to let me know in the comments.
> 
> I've been busy with school and have been feeling kind of low on energy and mood so updates might continue to be inconsistent for a while. I am sorry about that, be sure I'll do my best to finish this, shouldn't be too long now.
> 
> Also, I had this planned all along, just so you know. Hope you arent too mad at me for the cliffhanger.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

It was barely even morning when Abby watched her daughter and the Commander come inside the Medbay. The doctor moved to the Commander’s side, the pallor of her skin and the utter panic in her eyes making her think that something was wrong with the Commander.

 

“We need and ultrasound.” Clarke said before Lexa could get a word out. Abby frowned in confusion, she was sure there was no internal bleeding from Lexa’s wound, and it was unlikely for one to develop overnight.

 

“I believe Clarke is pregnant.” the Commander said and her lips only seemed to go paler. Abby’s eyes widened, a multitude of emotions traveling up and down her back. Clarke cut her off before she could say anything.

 

“It’s impossible mom, I made sure it wouldn’t happen. I took our pills and I took the grounder’s tea.” Clarke insisted. 

 

Abby moved her eyes from her daughter’s face to Lexa’s. The Commander looked like someone had strook her, her factions were contorted in shock and her eyes were so distraught, tears covered them in a thin film. Right then Abby accepted that the Commander knew exactly what were the implications of Clarke being pregnant, as her reaction was the exact opposite of when she had found out about Raven’s pregnancy. Still, Abby moved her daughter towards one of the beds, telling her to move her shirt up as she set up the ultrasound machine. Abby knew Lexa had noticed Costia’s pregnancy by her scent alone, same with Raven’s, what were the chances of her being wrong this time?

 

The Commander stood besides Clarke’s bed, holding her hand as Abby squirted some of the cold blue gel over the blonde’s flat stomach. A moment later images started showing on the screen and Clarke gasped. Lexa knew she was right, she had always known.

 

The room was then consumed by silence, three pairs of eyes staring at the screen. Lexa wasn’t too sure about what she was looking at, but she knew by the sudden hardening of Abby’s face that she was right.

 

“Four weeks, maybe five.” Abby said finally.

 

“Oh God.” Clarke gasped, and Lexa’s hand went limp in hers. The Blonde’s head snapped up to look at her wife’s. “It’s fine Lex, mom will make sure I am okay.”

 

“Yes, of course.” Abby said, standing up from the chair and taking off her gloves. “The procedure is quick and mostly painless, lasts no more than an hour, and you both should be able to go back to your lives in no time.”

 

“What? No, mom!” Clarke said, pulling down her shirt and standing up. “What the hell are you saying? I am not getting an abortion!”

 

“You are not made to carry a child, no alpha is. We found out the pregnancy early, it is only an embryo, it will feel no pain, there’s no brain, no lungs, it is not a person yet. This is the best option for you.” Abby insisted.

 

“I will not kill my own child, mom! How could you even suggest that?” Clarke said, her face contorted in horror and anger as she stared back at her mother with disbelief.

 

“How could I? It is endangering your life! You know well that if you even manage to carry it somewhat close to term I won’t be able to save you both! An abortion is the best option, if after that you wish to have a child with the Commander then you could adopt like you had planned.” Abby said her hands moving around wildly as she tried to make her point.

 

“I am keeping the baby and that is final.” Clarke said, standing her ground, tilting her head up and letting her mother know that she would not change her mind. That did not stop Abby from trying.

 

“We are talking about physical disability, cognitive impairment. The chances of you carrying it to full term are basically non existent, the baby will have to stay in an incubator for months, their lungs won't get to develop properly, it will suffer-”

 

“Shut up! Just stop!” Clarke said, her voice rising into a shout.

 

“Clarke, please.” Lexa said, her voice quiet as she intervened for the first time. “Let your mother finish.”

 

There was a tense moment of silence in which Clarke processed Lexa’s words. The blonde turned around slowly, her eyes clouded by pain and disbelief.

 

“What?” Clarke said, her disbelief quickly turning into anger. “Is this about Sirius? You already have a child so you do not care about having another. Is it because there is no political agenda behind the conception of this child? Because it serves no purpose to your people?”

 

“Clarke…” Lexa said, her voice barely moving past her lips as she stepped back like she had been physically hit.

 

“I would think that after losing one child you would be completely against losing another, but no, it seems like you are ready.” Clarke said. Abby watched the Commander’s face crumble, pain contorting every feature as twin tears fell down her eyes.

 

“That’s enough, Clarke.” Abby said, her voice hard as she stared at her daughter like she could barely recognize her.

 

“So  _ now  _ you are defending her.” Clarke said, clenching her jaw hard. “You stay out of this, you have no right, no say, this is my decision.” The blonde said, turning her head away from her mother and towards Lexa once again.

“I will do this without you if I have to. This is my child and if you don’t want it I will want it for the both of us.” Clarke said, looking away before Lexa could say anything.

 

Clarke walked towards the door with fast strides, barely giving Lexa nother glance before leaving the medbay.

 

Abby and Lexa were left there, standing in the middle of the medbay in complete silence. The Doctor saw clearly how a tear dripped down the Commander’s chin and hit the floor.

 

“Commander-” 

 

“I trust you will do what you can.” The Commander said, her voice hoarse and scratchy.

 

Abby wanted to talk to her, to try and push her to convince Clarke to give up the idea of having the baby, but the air of defeat and dejection that seemed to surround the Commander prevented her from it. Abby sighed and nodded.

 

“Of course,” She said, “I will do everything in my power.”

 

The Commander nodded and walked out of the room. Octavia was right there, waiting for her, the look on her face was enough for the Commander to know that she had heard most of what Clarke had told her, if not all of it.

 

“Allow me to change, then we can face the day.” The Commander said. She had left her quarters in a sleeping shirt and pants.

 

“Of course, Heda.” Octavia said, bowing her head slightly and not daring to say another word.

 

…………..

 

Octavia didn’t know exactly how it happened, but one moment they were walking over the quiet corridors of the Mountain and the next she was pushing the Commander into an empty room.

 

The Commander’s composed breathing had turned fast and erratic, short gasps coming past her lips as she started to sweat profusely. Her skin, pale mere moments before, suddenly took a reddish tone that spread up her neck and all over her cheeks, her hands started to shake and she desperately clutched at her neck, feeling unable to breathe as uncontrollable sobs tore through her throat.

 

Octavia barely got to grab her before she collapsed to the ground, lowering her down gently.

 

“Hey, Heda, everything is fine.” Octavia said, trying to keep her voice calm. The Commander didn’t seem to listen, she kept clutching at her neck, red lines appearing on her flesh as she scratched her skin. “I will help you with that, just try to breathe.” Octavia said, pumping out as much of her omega pheromones as she could, she knew they wouldn’t have the same effect as Raven’s, but she hoped it would help in some way.

 

Octavia reached for the collar of the Commander’s sleeping shirt and tore it hard, leaving it hanging loosely around her shoulders, hoping it would feel less constricting. Then she took one of the Commander’s hands and pressed it against her own chest, breathing deeply several times.

 

“Just try to do the same as me, okay?” Octavia said. “In and out. Slowly. Yes, just like that. In and out. Yes, better.”

 

Once the Commander’s breathing had gotten back under control, Octavia sat in front of her, hoping that her presence would be calming enough and not aggravate the Commander even more.

 

“I need you to do something for me.” The Commander said, looking up at Octavia with red rimmed eyes.

 

“I don’t think it is a good idea to leave you here on your own.” Octavia said, feeling quite unsure. She had heard what Clarke had said and no one should be left on their own after listening to something like that.

 

“You will, if you want to help me.” The Commander said and Octavia sighed, giving the Heda a short nod. “I need you to bring my mother.”

 

“What?” Octavia said, feeling even more confused than before. “Your mother?” Octavia started to really worry about the Commander’s mental state right then.

 

“Caia, the healer.” The Commander said and Octavia’s eyes widened.

 

“She’s…?”

 

“Bring her to me.” the Commander said. “I trust you will know how to handle this information.”

 

“Of course, Heda.” Octavia said, giving her a sharp nod before standing up. “I’ll bring her here right away.

 

……………

 

Mere minutes later Caia was entering the room to find her child sitting on the floor with her knees pressed up to her chest.

 

“Ai yongon.” Caia whispered, sitting down quickly and pulling Lexa close to her chest. 

 

Lexa buried her face in her mother’s neck, calming quickly just by her scent and her protective hold.

“Clarke is pregnant, Nomon. I did that, I will get her killed just like Costia. I should have never allowed her to help with my rut.” Lexa whispered. “I might even lose her and the child.”

 

“Oh, my child. I am sure the sky healer has a way to fix it.” Caia said, rubbing her hand over Lexa’s back in small circles, letting her head rest gently a top her daughter’s.

 

“She seems to believe that the best solution is for Clarke to give up on the child, she doesnt think Clarke will be able to carry it to term and that the child might live a painful life, if it even makes it.” Lexa whispered and Caia felt the wetness of tears hit her skin. The Commander moved even closer to her and clutched her eyes shut.

 

“I am so sorry, ai goufa. I am sure Clarke and you will find another way.”

 

“Clarke refuses to give up the child, Nomon. Her mother was explaining the implications of that decision, but Clarke wouldn’t let her finish. And when I asked to hear the rest she got so angry at me, Nomon. I don’t know what to do, I am not ready to lose her.” 

 

“I know, yongon, I know.” Caia whispered, pressing soft kisses to the top of Lexa’s head with a concerned expression on her face. “I believe you need to finish that conversation with the Sky doctor, maybe there is something that can be done to lower the chances of either of them passing.”

 

“But what happens if Clarke dies? What then? I am living on borrowed time, Raven might end up alone with two children to take care of. How could I do that to her?” Lexa asked, feeling as panic started feeling her veins. She thought about Raven, how unsure she was about her own worth and her ability to be a good mother, she thought about her alone with two young pups. Lexa’s throat started feeling tight once again.

 

“Then I will help her and so will your brother and your sisters. I am sure you know how capable I am when it comes to raising children.” Caia said, tracing Lexa’s face with her finger tips and offering her a small smile. “If anything happens, I will take care of your pups as if they were my own, because they are. I promise you, my child.”

 

Caia’s words seemed to give Lexa a little peace. The Commander leaned her head back down on her mother’s shoulder, closing her eyes and trying not to think. All she could think about was Clarke’s death and all it did was make her sick. Clarke’s words were at the front of her mind too, and they were almost as painful as the thought of her love dying.

 

“Nomon, what if I had to choose between Clarke and the child? How could I make that decision?” Lexa whispered, her voice shaking.

 

“It seems like Clarke already made that choice for you, my love.” Caia said, sighing and clutching Lexa close to her chest.

 

The Commander closed her eyes, trying and failing to keep more tears from falling.

 

………………

 

Raven was inside their bedroom, lying in bed and contemplating getting up, it honestly seemed like an impossible task. It had been unusual to wake up without Clarke and Lexa, as most of the time at least one of them would be with her, usually Clarke, but that day she woke up to cool sheets and the absence of both alpha’s. She had tried to reach out to them, but both their radios had been left in the room.

 

After a moment of pondering she decided to reach out to Octavia, as she usually was where Lexa was.

 

“Hey O, do you have eyes on my wife? I am missing my good morning kiss.” Raven said, rubbing her belly with the palm of her hand, wincing slightly at Sirius’ constant kicks.

 

“Raven, something happened. I don’t want you to worry, they are both physically fine, but things are going to be difficult from now on, okay? The Commander is already on the way to your room.”

 

“Okay.” Raven said, worry creeping up her spine. She stood up and took a short walk around the room until she heard the door open. Lexa’s red rimmed eyes met her own and Raven moved to her side as fast as she could.

 

“What’s wrong?” Raven asked, brows furrowed in concern as she cupped Lexa’s cheeks

 

“Clarke is pregnant.” Lexa said and Raven’s hands instantly fell to her sides.

 

“What?” Raven said, shocked.

 

“We shared my rut, but it seems like the measures we took to keep this from happening didn’t work.”

 

“That’s just great, that’s just amazing.” Raven said, turning away from Lexa, looking visibly angry. Lexa looked at her with confusion.

 

“What, Raven?” Lexa said, she could not take anything else.

 

“How could you even ask that?” Raven said, turning around and speaking loudly. “All I had over her was this child. The only thing that I could give you that she couldn’t was children, but now I have nothing. How am I supposed to compare to her now? How could I even live up to the epic love you two have?”

 

“Raven-” Lexa tried to say but the omega interrupted her.

 

“All I had was this baby, now I will have to live in the shadow of your love for the rest of my life…”

 

“Raven-” Lexa tried again.

 

“You just had to get her pregnant, you just-”

 

“RAVEN!” Lexa shouted, making Raven instantly shut up, Lexa had never screamed at her before. “Be quiet.” Lexa whispered, moving closer and pressing her forehead against Raven’s as she cupped her cheeks.

 

“I won’t ever compare to her.” Raven whispered, her eyes full of tears as she reached up to hold onto Lexa’s wrist.

 

“Shhh.” Lexa pulled away slightly, not moving her hands away from Raven’s face, brushing her thumbs over the omega’s damp cheeks. “Be quiet and look at me.” Lexa said, her tone leaving no space for questions. Raven did as told, her brown eyes meeting Lexa’s green ones.

 

“What?” Raven said and Lexa shushed her again.

 

“Be quiet and listen to me.” Lexa said, looking intensely into Raven’s eyes. “I love you.”

 

“What?” Raven asked, eyes wide.

 

“Stop talking and listen.” Lexa said, pressing her thumb gently over the omega’s lips. “I love you all on your own. I love you and the baby separately. I do not love you for your ability to carry children, I love you for you. I love Raven. Do you understand?”

 

“You had never said it before, if you are just saying it to make me feel better-”

 

“I didn’t say it because I believed you were not ready to hear it. I thought my feelings would burden you. I see that keeping it to myself was a mistake now, and I am sorry, I was not aware my feelings for you were in doubt.”  Lexa said, her eyes dark with sorrow.

 

“It’s not you.” Raven rushed to say, holding onto Lexa’s wrist so the alpha wouldn’t move it away from her cheek. “I am just insecure, you have always shown me how you feel, and Lexa… I love you too.”

 

A tear rolled slowly down Lexa’s cheek.

 

“You shouldn’t. I kill everything I touch. First Costia, then Anya and Gustus, now Clarke. Soon you will meet the same fate.”

 

Raven frowned, reaching up to run her hand soothingly up and down Lexa’s arm.

 

“Those deaths are not on you. Why Clarke?”

 

“She has decided to keep the child, her mother believes it will lead to her death, her body is not made to carry children.” Lexa said and her shoulders fell forward in defeat. Raven looked up at her with a concerned expression.

 

“I am sure Abby will find a way to keep them both safe, what else did she say?”

 

“I don’t know, when I asked her to explain further Clarke got angry at me, she said some things…” Lexa’s voice wavered and Raven’s eyes widened, her veins filling with fury.

 

“What did she tell you?” Raven asked, her tone flat.

 

“Do not worry. I must interrogate the Nomads we took for questioning. I will see you soon.” Lexa said, pressing a soft kiss to Raven’s forehead before she walked away

 

……………..

 

The next few days were tense, Clarke would barely cross words with Lexa and Lexa was too concerned to try and fix things with Clarke. Because of that Raven went back to sleeping in the middle, even if she ended up waking both of them up at night when she needed get up to pee.

 

Lexa was almost never in bed anyway, whenever Raven would wake up she would find Lexa’s side of the bed empty and each time she would reach out to Octavia to see if she had any idea where her wife was. The answer was always the same, the Commander was outside building furniture in the middle of the night, at first it was only for Sirius, but after the news of Clarke’s pregnancy the Commander had taken to getting similar furniture for the new baby, a fact that Clarke ignored for her unwillingness to talk to the Commander.

 

Soon the lack of sleep started to show, deep bags rested permanently under Lexa’s eyes and her clothes started to hang loose around her body. Immediately after finding out about Clarke’s condition and that her wife had only nine months left, if not less, the Commander started being unable to hold her food down, she lost her appetite and would only accept to eat when her vision started getting blurry. 

 

Eventually Raven found out through Octavia what Clarke had said that day, her gut reaction had been to go find the blonde and share some words with her, but Octavia stopped her, saying it wasn’t her place and so she tried to spend as little time with blonde as possible, resulting on the three of them only sharing the same space at night when it was time to sleep.

 

Raven was only beginning to get used to the tense air in their room when Lexa and her generals were able to get through the Nomads they had taken for questioning. They knew the locations of their settlements and so the Commander and part of her army would go to those locations, knowing that probably there were only children, their caretakers and the old left behind.

 

“I will give birth soon and now you are leaving.” Raven whispered, leaning her head against Lexa’s shoulder. She could practically smell the exhaustion pouring out of the Commander’s pores.

 

“I must, and if everything goes according to schedule I should be back here just in time for the birth, just make sure that Sirius doesn’t decide to come early. Rest, Raven.” Lexa said, leaning in to place a sweet kiss on the omega’s lips.

 

The omega savored it for as long as she could, curling her hands around the Commander’s neck and deepening the kiss. Lexa felt goosebumps erupt in her skin and her toes curled at the taste of Raven on her lips.

 

“Be back soon, baby.” Raven whispered, her fingers gently caressing the back of Lexa’s neck.

 

“I will. I promise.” Lexa said, bringing Raven close for a gentle hug. “It should be nothing, they used all their warriors during the fight, there should be no need for violence.”

 

“You better come back in one piece then.” Raven said, smiling up at the alpha.

 

“I will, please, do not worry.” Lexa said, leaning down for a short kiss and nudging Raven’s nose with her own before pulling away. “I will be longing for your presence.”

 

“And I for yours, Heda.” Raven said, pressing a kiss to Lexa’s cheek before watching her go.

 

“I will keep an eye on her, don’t worry.” Octavia said and Raven pulled her into a hug.

 

“You better. Try not to throw any grenades at her this time.”

 

“You are never gonna forget that, right?” Octavia said as she pulled away.

 

“No, but I will let it pass because I know you helped her with her panic attack.” Raven said, keeping her voice low.

 

“Maybe you should try to talk to Clarke, we both know she is pretty good at being stubborn and holding grudges. I know that day was probably overwhelming, I know that what Abby was saying about her baby would be upsetting for anyone, but the Commander didn’t say she wanted to abort too, and even if she had said it I think she would have been in her right, I mean, they are together and the baby is also hers. She at least should be allowed to have an opinion.” Octavia said and Raven sighed, she wasn’t Clarke’s biggest fan.

 

“I’ll see what I can do.”

 

“See you later then, Rae.”

 

“Bye, O.”

…………………………..

 

“I made all the furniture for the baby, it is placed in what was supposed to be Sirius’ room. I imagine there won’t be a problem with them sharing it.” Lexa said, her voice blank as she stared at Clarke’s back. The blonde was standing in the art room, staring at some painting or another.

 

“So now you want the baby.” Clarke said with an icy tone and without turning around.

 

“I never said I didn’t want it. Raven was going to ask you to paint the room, you might do so if you want. I will be gone for some time.”

 

“Of course, that’s what you do when things get tough, isn’t it?” Clarke said, not moving an inch to look at the Commander. “You leave.”

 

“I am not deciding to leave, my duty is forcing me to. However, you did decide that I must lose you, that I will live the rest of my life without you. You made that choice. I truly hope you still breathe by the time I come back, Clarke. Goodbye.”

 

By the time Clarke turned around the Commander was already gone.

 

…………….

 

“You were cruel.” Raven said. It was the middle of the night and she was alone in bed with Clarke, but she knew the blonde wasn’t asleep.

 

“I know.” Clarke said, her voice cracked. Raven was filled with confusion, she turned her head to see translucent tears glinting under the moonlight against Clarke’s skin.

 

“Why are you crying? Have you finally figured out that you were a total dick?” Raven asked, arching her eyebrows.

 

“It is easier this way, Raven.” Clarke said. Raven frowned, rolling onto her side to be able to  look at Clarke properly.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

Clarke rolled onto her side too, looking at Raven with a small smile on her lips.

 

“I figured my death would hurt less if she fell out of love, if I hurt her enough for her to hate me.” Clarke whispered, tears falling down the bridge of her nose.

 

“Oh my god, Clarke. You can’t be serious.” Raven whispered, her heart clenching in pain as she moved forwards to wrap her arm around the blonde.

 

“I needed to do this Raven, it is the best I can do for her, to make sure it won’t hurt as much.”

“You are such an idiot.” Raven said, clutching Clarke close to her chest as she rubbed her back in comforting circles. “She isn’t going to fall out of love.”

 

“But she won’t suffer so much if she is busy being angry. I said awful things Raven, she can’t look at me the same after that. When I die, that will be the last memory she will have and it will make my absence less awful, I am sure of that.” Clarke insisted, the tears in her eyes didn’t stop falling. 

 

“That doesn’t make any sense, Clarke. Please, reconsider this.” Raven begged, her own eyes filling with pain.

 

“Don’t you see, Raven? The distance I put between us will help her ease into things once my absence is permanent, it won’t be so sudden, so abrupt.” Clarke said. “It will make it easier.”

 

“But you don’t know if you are gonna die. For all we know you might both make it.” Raven insisted, her eyes wide as they looked into Clarke’s.

 

“Of course I know, Rae. I told my mother that if it came to it she must save the child.”

 

“But why, Clarke? I thought you had agreed to adopt, just think about the life with her that you would be missing, you have barely lived.” 

 

“We both know that she is still not over losing her first pup, Raven. I can’t put her through that again. I can’t ask her to choose between me and the child, that’s just awful. She is always making the hard decisions, she is always being tore in two, I can’t do that to her, so I chose for her, so she doesn’t have to.”

 

“You are breaking your heart and you are breaking hers.” Raven said, hardening her gaze, trying to make Clarke understand.

 

“Just so she doesn’t suffer so much later.”

 

“But how do you know that she won’t? She will blame herself for everything, she is already doing it! This choice will come to haunt you, Clarke. You will regret it.” Raven said, squeezing Clarke’s arm to try and make her point clear.

 

“I can’t only hope it will make it less painful for her, I broke her heart, I said awful things, if that doesn’t make my death less painful, I don’t know what will.”

 

“That’s the point, Clarke. Nothing, absolutely nothing will make it less painful. I beg you to reconsider.”

 

Clarke shook her head, burying her head in Raven’s shoulder. The omega could only hug her tighter.

 

………………………..

A sharp and intense pain shot down Raven’s back and spread quickly over her abdomen, she winced, her body tensing and reached down to spread her hands above her belly, for the last few weeks Sirius had moved lower and even if she could breathe a little better, the peeing had gotten a bit ridiculous. Raven breathed through the pain as it faded and tried to keep calm, there were still a few weeks left, it was probably Braxton Kicks. She glanced at Clarke, the blonde was asleep with one of her arms thrown around Raven’s waist, the blonde might be pregnant as well, but she was still a protective alpha. Raven considered waking her, but she didn’t, she couldn’t be entering labor, right?

 

The omega dozed off for a moment and was woken up minutes later by another sharp pain, she wasn’t sure how long it had been, maybe 20 minutes, 30? She wasn’t sure and so Raven decided to wait, this time she stayed awake and kept track of the minutes that passed. When another 20 minutes past another shot of pain came, just a little stronger than the last. She started feeling a little nervous. In the next 15 minutes another pain came, it was too constant, too regular and too strong to be Braxton Kicks. 

 

“Clarke?” Raven called quietly, she didn’t want to freak out. 

 

The blonde hummed and opened her eyes to look at Raven.

 

“What is it? Is there something you need?” Clarke asked, running her hand gently over Raven’s belly.

 

“I think I am having contractions.”

 

The sentence alone was enough to wake Clarke up, the blonde incorporated herself in bed and looked down at Raven.

 

“How far apart?”

 

“15 minutes now.”

 

“Okay, don’t worry, let me reach out to mom.” Clarke said as she helped Raven sit up and put on some shoes.

 

“What about Lexa? She said she was on her way here, you have to talk to her and tell her to get her ass here faster.” Raven said. Clarke nodded and helped Raven to her feet.

 

The blonde took the radio and breathed in deeply, she hadn’t spoken to Lexa since she had left, but she had always stayed to listen as the alpha spoke to Raven. The Commander would always ask how she was doing and how her pregnancy was going, Raven would always look at Clarke and offer her the radio but the blonde would never take it, forcing Raven to answer all of Lexa’s questions.

 

“Lexa?” Clarke said as she held the radio close to her mouth.

 

“Yes, Clarke?” the Commander answered immediately and Clarke knew then that the alpha had never gone to bed.

 

“Where are you?” Clarke asked.

 

“On our way to the mountain, we are resting for the night. We have at least one more day if the weather remains good.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded to herself.

 

“Okay, I need you to stay calm and listen to me. There is nothing wrong happening.” 

 

“I am listening.”

 

“You need to get here as fast as you can. Raven has entered labor.” Clarke said. “It’s her first birth and the contractions are still far apart so if you take the rover and rush here you may make it on time for the birth. Just take it with Octavia and let one of the generals in charge of your warriors, they will get here eventually.”

 

“Make sure Raven knows I will do everything in my power to get there.”

 

“I will.” Clarke said and the line went dead.

 

Soon enough they made it to the Medbay, where Abby was already waiting with a private room settled for Raven.

 

Clarke helped Raven out of her clothes and into a gown, then she helped her onto the bed as Abby started moving around her, hooking her up to machines and bringing close an ultrasound machine to check out the baby’s position.

 

“Everything is going to be okay, Rae. I am going to be right here with you the whole time.” Clarke promised, sitting next to Raven and holding her hand. 

 

“What about Lexa?” Raven asked, wincing as another contraction pulsed through her body.

 

“She’s on her way, she wouldn’t miss this.” Clarke said, even if she had no way to know.

 

…………………..

 

10 hours later Raven was completely dilated, she was sweaty, crying and in pain and there was no sign of Lexa.

 

“Raven, you need to start pushing now.” Abby said sternly from her place between Raven’s legs.

 

“No, we need to wait a little bit longer, Lexa must be close.” Raven said a sob bursting pass her throat as she glanced towards the door.

 

“The baby is ready to come out, Rae.” Clarke said, her voice soft and comforting as she held Raven’s hand, allowing her to squeeze it until it was completely black and blue. “Sirius wants to be born, you can’t hold him in, he is ready.”

 

“But I’m not ready!” Raven snapped, tears pouring down her cheeks and sobs falling from her mouth. “I can’t do this on my own!”

 

“You are not on your own, I am here with you, you know you can count on me, Rae.” Clarke told her, placing a comforting hand on Raven’s shoulder while the other was continuously squeezed.

 

“But for how long! In a few months you are gonna be gone and Lexa is always fucking dying and I am going to end up on my own with all of this!” Raven said, her voice loud and ringing as intense pain shot down her back and lower abdomen, the need to push was overwhelming, but she was just too scared to give in to it.

 

Clarke took a step back like she had been punched, her mouth opening and closing as she was left at a loss of words.

 

“Raven, listen to me.” Abby said sternly, looking up and into the Mechanic’s eyes. “You will not be alone with anything, you are like a daughter to me and I am going to be here to support you no matter what. Now, I need you to push.”

 

Raven nodded shakily, her eyes filling with tears as she squeezed her eyes shut and pushed as hard as she could. A rumbling groan build in the back of her throat as she did so again, the pressure in her temple was like nothing she had felt before.

 

Her brow was soaked with sweat, her eyes were dripping her tears and her mouth was starting to be filled with blood with how hard she bit the inside of her cheek.

 

“You are doing great-” Abby was suddenly interrupted by the sudden opening of the door. Raven opened her eyes to see Lexa across the room, slightly disheveled and out breath, looking like she hadn’t slept in days.

 

“Lexa! You asshole!” Raven shouted, trying to seem angry but unable to hold back the smile on her face.

 

A nurse almost loses her head as she stopped the Commander from getting closer, telling her to take off her armor, leave only her clothes and put on a gown, while she pulled back her hair and hid it away under a blue cap. She also disinfected her hands thoroughly and dried the beads of sweat on her face, before letting her finally get close to the omega.

 

“Forgive me, love.” Lexa whispered, closing her eyes as she pressed a soft kiss to Raven’s forehead. 

 

“Raven, I need you to push, he is close!” Abby said and Lexa’s eyes snapped to where the doctor was located, her eyes widening slightly.

 

With Lexa’s presence and with Clarke’s hand still in her hold, Raven pushed as hard as she could, a small cry tearing past her throat.

 

“You have been outstanding, I am so proud of you.” Lexa said, pumping her strong alpha pheromones to try and help her omega feel stronger.

 

“I see the head!” Abby said from between her legs.

 

“Just another big push, Rae. Just one more.” Clarke said, brushing her thumb over the back of Raven’s hand.

 

The omega grinded her teeth, squeezing her eyes shut as she pushed once again. Suddenly, the pressure gave away to relief and a loud wail filled the room.

 

Raven opened her eyes to see Abby gently hold the crying baby up to her with a smile on her face.

 

“Welcome to the world, handsome.” Abby said as she lowered him gently to Raven’s chest. 

 

The Omega held him with eyes wide, tears on her cheeks as she looked down at him, his face scrunched up, a small puff of brown hair atop his head, already looking like it was going to be at least a little curly, his little hands and feet moved around as he continued to cry.

 

“Oh my god.” Raven said, trying to hold him as gently as she could, a warmth she had never felt before blooming in her chest as she looked at his small nose and cute pout. 

 

“Commander.” Abby said. And Lexa, who had been so focused staring at the child on Raven’s chest, her child, finally moved her gaze to look at the doctor. “Do you wish to cut the cord?”

 

The Commander nodded, her own cheeks wet, her eyes shining as she cut the cord. She had gone to battle many times in her life, but he heart had never beat as fast as it did while she looked down at her boy.

 

“Okay, everything is looking good down here. In a moment a nurse is going to help clean you up, while I take Sirius for a quick check up, okay?”  Abby said, standing up from her place between Raven’s legs and reaching up from the baby.

 

“You going to take him already?” The omega said, clutching her baby just a little closer. 

 

“Don’t worry, you will have an entire lifetime with him, this won’t take long.”

 

“May I come with you.” Lexa asked, unwilling to lose sight of her son. 

“Don’t you wish to stay with Raven?” Abby asked, as she moved the baby into Jackson’s arms who would start checking him.

 

“I will stay with her, you go.” Clarke said, giving Lexa a small nod.

 

“I love you, Raven.” Lexa said, cupping Raven’s cheeks and placing a hard kiss on her lips before leaving after Abby.

 

………………………..

 

Abby suctioned his mouth, nose and applied antibiotic teardrops in his eyes, she checked his heart rate and breathing, his reflexes and skin tone, all under the watchful eyes of the Commander.

 

“He is okay?” The Commander asked as she watched the doctor work quickly and efficiently, cleaning him up just the necessary before she wrapped him up in soft and thick blankets, later putting a white cap on top of his head.

 

“Everything is going accordingly, Commander. What matters now is that we keep him warm, after a few hours we will be able to properly wash him and do further testing, but everything is pointing towards a very healthy baby, with very strong lungs.” Abby said, and a shiver went down Lexa’s spine. That was the exact same thing Gustus had said about her. Strong lungs.

 

“Are the blankets enough? should we bring more? what can I do?” Lexa asked, looking down at the small bundle with soft eyes.

 

“The best way is to put him skin to skin with his mother, so why don’t you pick him up and take him back to Raven? He should be kept perfectly warm against her bare chest.”

 

“Pick him up?” The Commander asked and the hesitance in her voice made Abby look up at her.

 

“Yes, I will help you.” Abby said, picking Sirius up gently before lying him gently on Lexa’s arms. “Just make sure you keep his head nicely supported at all times. Yes, perfect.” 

 

“I could drop him, I believe it would be safer for you to take him.” Lexa said, feeling terribly unsure of herself. She was strong, in top physical condition, but still with Sirius in her arms she was shaking like a leaf.

 

“You won’t drop him and it is a short walk from here back to Raven’s room. You also need to start getting used to this.” Abby said, her tone gentle, she could see that the Commander’s head wasn’t quite there, it was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

 

“You will make sure he is okay?” Lexa asked, her eyes moving up to look into Abby’s brown ones.

 

“I will, always.” Abby said, and the meaning of her words wasn’t lost to Lexa. The Commander’s shoulders finally fell from their tense position and she was able to breathe a little bit easier.

 

“Thank you.” The Commander said honestly and Abby nodded, staying close to her as they walked back to Raven’s room. Sirius had fallen into a quiet slumber.

 

Raven smiled sleepily upon seeing them, getting a little surprised when Abby pulled away her blankets and opened the front of her gown, leaving her chest bare. The doctor later moved closer to Lexa, unwrapping the blankets and picking up the baby, gently cooing to him to avoid waking him and lying him down carefully against Raven’s chest. 

 

Raven laid her hands gently on the small body, one of them gently cupping the back of the baby’s head. Abby then wrapped the blanket around them both.

 

“Is he okay?” Raven asked quietly, afraid to wake him.

 

“So far everything is going accordingly, right now it’s important to keep his temperature regulated, so once he has warmed up we will do further testing. In an hour or so he might get a little hungry, so be sure to page me or one of the nurses to help you with the breastfeeding.” Abby said. “Also, if you want to rest we have set up a nursery and Jackson would be more than willing to take care of him, that’s why I asked him to come here and stay for a few days-”

 

Abby was suddenly interrupted by Octavia, who came inside hesitantly and stayed close to the door.

 

“Forgive me, Heda. The generals want to be told the decisions that have been taken about the Nomads, I tried to hold them back, but they are getting quite impatient.” Octavia said.

 

Lexa sighed audibly and looked down at Raven and her sleeping baby.

 

“You stay here, I will go.” Clarke said, she hadn’t moved from Raven’s side.

 

“You don’t know what happened out there.” Lexa said.

 

“Octavia will fill me in, it’ll be fine. And if it isn’t I have the authority to tell them to wait, I am sure it will work better coming from Wanheda than from a Second.” Clarke said, leaving the room before Lexa could continue fighting her about it.

 

“Come here.” Raven said, reaching out for Lexa’s hand as she carefully moved to the side to give her some space on the bed.

 

Lexa turned to look at Abby, asking for permission. The doctor nodded, saying that it was not a problem and so Lexa took off her shoes, lying on her side next to the omega.

 

The Commander moved a hand under Raven’s neck and around her shoulders, pulling her closer and letting her head lean close to the omega’s. Her other hand moved under the blanket and joined Raven’s on Sirius back, their fingers interlocking.

 

“I am never forgiving you for getting here late.”

 

“I am not forgiving myself either.” Lexa said and Raven instantly felt bad about her comment, she had been teasing, but she should have known that it was a bad idea and that Lexa wouldn’t have taken it well after been so emotionally strained for the past weeks.

 

“I didn’t mean it Lex, we both know he came a little early. And I know, you didn’t decide to come here late.” Raven said, turning her head to place a soft kiss to Lexa’s lips.

 

“You were brave.” The Commander said, her face still awfully close to Raven’s, their noses brushing.

 

“He is perfect. Did you know he is the first sky child to be born down here?” Raven asked with a smile on her face.

 

“Yes, he is. And no, I hadn’t thought of it.” Lexa said, smiling at the way Raven rested her head against her arm and closed her eyes. “You should sleep too, if he wakes I will wake you.”

 

“What if he falls off?”

 

“He won’t” the Commander said as she pressed a kiss to Raven’s head. “I will protect you both.”

 

Raven hummed contently, letting her eyes close in the protective embrace of her partner.

 

…………………….

 

A few hours later, when the commotion was over. Raven and Lexa where still in bed, Sirius held between them both as his lips sucked eagerly at Raven’s breast.

 

Right then, when everything was calm, they finally saw their son’s eyes open.

 

“Look at that, Lex.” Raven said, her eyes soft as she looked at Lexa’s profile, “Seems like your genes won this one.”

 

Lexa’s eyes filled with tears that she didn’t even try to hold back. All because Sirius was staring up at her with his own machine pair of green eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't hate me


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you for all the comments and kudos, I know I didn't respond to them and I am sorry about that, I just have been a little low on energy and down on mood, but I promise I have read them all. Especial thanks to those two beautiful readers (athena_sampaio and velvetfist) tha sent me super long comments, it is always great to read those.
> 
> I hope you enjoy the chapter! I think this is offically the begining of the end.

During the days that followed the birth and once they were settled back in their room, Raven always waited to be woken up by crying. It was the normal thing to happen, Sirius should have woken up crying out of hunger, or because he needed a diaper change, and she should have gone up to him to soothe him and feed him and fulfill his needs.

 

Instead, there was Lexa.

 

The Commander would come to their bed with Sirius cradled close to her chest and then she would wake Raven, who would usually wake up to her baby making quiet noises and her wife looking down at her. Lexa would sit on the bed with Sirius’ gently laid across her arms, telling Raven that she thought he was hungry, she would let Raven sit up before carefully handing him over, watching all the while as Raven wiped the tiny tears away from their baby’s face and fed him.

 

After that Lexa would take him back, already having a towel draped over one shoulder, and would start burping him, giving him soft pats on the back. Abby had recommended to keep him upright for a few minutes after eating, so it would always take some time for Lexa to go back to bed. Some nights Raven couldn’t tell if she came back at all, as she often fell asleep pretty quickly after feeding the baby.

 

“You don’t have to get up all the time to take care of him, you know?” Raven told Lexa one morning, they were having some time for themselves as they shared a shower. They knew Sirius would be safe with Clarke looking after him.

 

“I am unable to take care of him during the day, it is only fair that I look after him at night.” Lexa responded, humming in content as Raven gently ran her hands over her wet skin.

 

“You come see how he is doing like fifteen times a day, you spend every single second you can spare with him. It’s unfair for you to be the one getting up every time he needs something at night.” Raven insisted.

 

“I think you should start pumping your breasts as Abby recommended, like that I would be able to feed him without waking you.” Lexa said, as if she hadn’t even heard what Raven had just told her.

 

“You are not going to stop going for him before I even get up, are you?” Raven said, sighing as she curled her arms around the Commander’s neck.

 

“No.” She said, nudging her nose against Raven’s softly, letting the bridge of her nose gently caress the omega’s before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “You are with him for most of the day, I know it is exhausting, so please, allow me to help you at night.”

 

Raven knew Lexa wouldn’t change her mind, and because of that she started pumping her breasts.

 

From then on, she barely woke up during the night and when she did Lexa was already picking Sirius up from his crib.

 

………………….

 

“I think she’s sleeping on the rocking chair.” Clarke said as she looked down at Sirius’ green eyes and made funny faces at him. The baby wiggled around, tiny hands trying to reach out towards the blonde’s face as he giggled.

 

“What?” Raven said from the bathroom, coming out a moment later with the toothbrush hanging from her mouth.

 

“Lexa, I don’t think she’s sleeping with us. I mean, she falls asleep next to us but then when Sirius’ wakes up the first time, she goes for him and doesn’t come back.” Clarke said, she tickled Sirius’ tummy and under his chin, making him close his eyes as he burst into giggles, reaching out for her desperately with his flailing arms. Clarke picked him up, making sure to hold his head securely and letting it rest against her shoulder.

 

“I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually did that.” Raven said. “Around two nights ago I woke up to find her watching him sleep. It took me sometime to convince her to come back to bed with me, she is convinced that something might happen to him during the night, she read something in some book about babies suffocating at night. I brought her back to bed though I am not sure if she stayed.”

 

“You should talk to her. Even if she is sleeping on the rocking chair inside his room, she needs more rest than that.” Clarke said and just like she had been summoned Lexa came through the door.

 

She seemed to scan the room for the baby, finding him in Clarke’s arms and then moving closer. The blonde took a deep breath, trying to not make it so evident, it had been a while since she last was so close to Lexa.

 

“How is he doing today?” Lexa asked, looking down at her child, two pairs of green eyes met and the Commander smiled, her heart feeling warm all of a sudden.

 

She moved her hand towards her baby, marveling at the way he curled his tiny hand around her index finger.

 

“He is okay, I just fed him so he will probably need a nap soon.” Raven said as she moved closer to them, sticking her tongue out at her baby. “He is very sweet, I wonder where did he get that from.” Raven said, teasing.

 

“I was meaning to take him to the medbay, I scheduled an appointment with doctor Griffin.” Lexa said and both Clarke and Raven frowned with confusion.

 

“What for? Is she going to teach us something else?” Raven asked, the first week Abby had practically stayed stuck to their side, teaching them the basics of handling a newborn. She taught them everything, from feeding, to burping, to diaper changing, to getting him into his clothes, everything, and when things came up that she hadn’t mentioned Clarke was usually capable of helping. They were not experts by any means, but so far, they had managed to keep Sirius alive and well.

 

“No, I just want her to check him. Make sure everything is fine.” Lexa said as she pressed her hand flat over Sirius’ chest. Her palm was so wide and her fingers so long that she was basically able to cover the whole expanse of his chest with her hand.

 

“Lexa, I was feeding him 5 minutes ago. He is fine.” Raven insisted, placing a comforting hand on her wife’s back. Still, Lexa reached to take the baby from Clarke’s arms.

 

“There’s no harm in corroborating, I will bring him back before my meeting.” Lexa said and Raven sighed in exasperation.

 

Clarke held her tongue, biting the inside of her cheek, she was dying to say something, to keep Lexa from leaving, to tell her she needed to rest, but she couldn’t.

 

“Why don’t you use this time before your meeting to take a nap? You can lay down with him on the bed, he will get sleepy soon enough.” Raven insisted. Lexa shook her head.

 

“I do not need a nap. It is not okay for him to sleep with us in our bed, we could crush him.” Lexa said, leaving the room before any of her wives could say anything else.

 

“You really need to talk to her.” Clarke said, looking worriedly at the closed door.

 

“Why don’t you talk to her?” Raven said, exasperated, she was quite tired of the tension she had been living in ever since they found out about Clarke’s pregnancy.

 

“You know why.” Clarke said, looking away.

 

“No, I really don’t. You are an alpha Clarke, I am sure you never thought about carrying a child, you had plans for the future, helping Lexa with our house, helping your mom with the medical program, a school for the kids of Polis and the near villages, you had plans and now suddenly you are willing to give everything up for something you had never even considered for yourself.” Raven said, staring at the blonde right in the eye.

 

“I cannot kill it, Raven.” Clarke said.

 

“Your life is valuable too and you know it, this pregnancy puts your life at risk, no one would judge you for ending it.” Raven said and Clarke sighed.

 

“I did not decide to keep it because I was afraid of what people may think. I decided to keep it because we have living proof that this baby can be just as healthy as any other child.” The blonde said, referring to Lexa. “If I can just carry it long enough, they might just be as healthy as Lexa.”

 

“But we don’t know what happened to her mom, for all we know she died giving birth to her.”

 

“And she still did it, who knows where would we be in a world without Lexa. I cannot kill them, I cannot deny them the chance to live, I do not want to. More than anything, I know they were conceived out of love, so much of it that I cannot possibly explain it to you. This is Lexa and I, nothing will ever make our union more permanent than this child.” Clarke insisted, her hands protectively curled around her belly.

 

“Clarke-”

 

“This is the best thing we'll ever do, Raven. Just watch how good she is with Sirius, she will make them both happy.”

 

“You don’t know what will she become when you are gone. We both know that there was a before and after Costia-”

 

“You won’t let it get to that. After Costia she was all alone, now she won’t be, she has you.”

 

Raven moved closer, placing both her arms on Clarke’s arms, trying to make her listen.

 

“You know I won’t be able to fill the space you will leave.”

 

“No, but maybe you will distract her from it.” Clarke said and Raven shook her head, knowing that Clarke wouldn’t change her mind.

 

“Why don’t you try to make the most of the time you have left with her? If you tell her why you said those things she will understand and she will tell you just how dumb that idea is.”

 

“Us swimming in a bubble of happiness now is just going to make things harder in the long run and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to avoid.”

 

“This plan will come bite you in the ass, I can promise you that.” Raven said, bringing Clarke into a hug. “I don’t want you to go either.”

 

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep them from watering.

 

“It’s going to be okay, Rae.”

 

\--------------------------

 

“Everything is looking good.” Abby said, smiling at the baby laid out in front of her.

 

“Yes?” The Commander asked, moving her gaze from the baby towards Abby and then back again.

 

“Yes, he looks very happy and very alert. Are you having any trouble putting him to sleep?”

 

“We tried what you told us about putting him inside the crib in the dark, but he just cried, so now I just let him fall asleep while I hold him and then I put him to bed.” Lexa explained and Abby nodded.

 

“That’s okay, sometimes babies are so exhausted after eating that they don’t need much help falling asleep, but if Sirius does need a bit of help then that’s okay.” Abby said as she gently clothed the baby, who had slowly gotten a little quiet, his eyes looked heavy and tired. Lexa gently picked him up, holding him close to her chest and pressing her lips to the top of his head.

 

“I thought you would have taken him out by now.” Abby said, looking at the Commander with a bit of worry bubbling in her stomach. The signs of exhaustion were blatantly obvious on the other alpha and the constant need for checkups even when Sirius was visibly healthy spoke of a deep concern that just wouldn’t go away.

 

“No.” The Commander said at once. Her hand gently rubbing small circles on Sirius’ back. “Outside is not safe for him, not right now with Ontari and the Mountain man loose.”

 

“As far as I know the ground is the safest it has ever been. He is your son, he is a little grounder and I am sure you dream of showing him the world. He could use a little bit of sun, I’d be good for him.” Abby insisted and the Commander didn’t say anything for a long time, her jaw clenched and unclenched.

 

“I will think about it.”

 

“Good. Now, how are the three of you sleeping? The first months are always the hardest, but with time he will be able to sleep for most of the night.” Abby asked, regarding the Commander’s expression. The woman didn’t seem to be paying much attention anymore, her eyes were on her child, her fingers gently caressing the short brown curls atop his head.

 

“I haven’t heard Raven or Clarke complain about exhaustion or tiredness. I try to get him before his crying gets too loud and with the passing of the days, I have been able to get a sense of a sleep pattern, he tends to wake up two or three hours after eating, so I am always attentive to see if he wakes up.” Lexa said, pumping protective pheromones to help her baby fall asleep quicker. Sirius seemed to find comfort in her scent and her voice, he always fell asleep quicker if she hummed to him.

 

“You should not be the one that gets up every time he needs attention.” Abby said with a concerned frown. “Waiting for him to wake up isn’t necessary either, you could and you should just let the crying wake you up, if not you will not get enough sleep.”

 

“The first few months after birth are key for the correct development of mental health. Not attending the baby’s needs could lead to him feeling like the world around him is hostile and that in turn could lead to problems in the future. I read that in one of the books you recommended.” The Commander said, and Abby’s eyebrows went up slightly in surprise.

 

“Yes, and in it they are referring to the kind of parents that leave their children alone for hours, feeling hungry and without a change of diapers that usually leads to a kind of irritation that results very painful for the child. I assure you, letting him cry for a few minutes won’t result in any issues.” Abby said and the Commander turned to meet her eyes.

 

“Why would I let him cry for minutes if I can avoid it?”

 

“It is one thing to answer his crying quickly and another altogether to wait for him to wake up because you are somewhat accustomed to him waking up at certain periods of time. This last one is not okay, because you would be losing sleep, especially if you don’t let Raven and Clarke help you.” Abby said sternly, noticing in the tense set of the Commander jaw that the other woman was getting aggravated.

 

“Even if I let Raven and Clarke help me with him at night it would be pointless because his cry would wake me up either way.”

 

“It is not the same.” Abby said, shaking her head. “One thing is to be woken up briefly and then go back to sleep because your partner is going to take care of him, and another is to get up, feed him, burp him, and walk him around or rock him until he goes back to sleep, change his diaper… the whole process could last 30 minutes or more and you would be getting hardly any sleep. I know, it is difficult for you to rely on others, I know that is not something you usually do, but I need you to listen to me, because if you don’t you will make yourself sick and you won’t be able to care for him.” Abby said and Lexa gave her a short nod, thanking the doctor for the check up before leaving.

 

…………………..

 

“I feel like you are just letting me punch you.” Octavia said as she watched the Commander run her tongue over her split lip. Octavia had never been able to land a punch on the Heda until after a few weeks after Sirius’ birth.

 

“You are getting better.” The Commander said, blinking the black spots that had been dancing in front of her eyes. She tried to think when was the last time she ate and nothing came up.

 

She had been in Sirius room, keeping a close eye on him after having fed him from the bottle. He had fallen asleep quickly, tucked against her neck, but the sun would soon come up so she had kissed his head before putting him down. She had then moved to their room and leaned down to kiss Raven’s forehead, the omega had pulled her back to bed and they had shared deep kisses while the Commander tried to pull herself away. Then she had reminded Raven that Sirius was on his own and put on her armor.

She had stopped for a second to look at Clarke, sleeping quietly beside Raven, and pondered on kissing her goodbye as well before deciding against it. She leaned down to kiss Raven’s lips and walked towards the door.

 

She remembers finding Octavia waiting for her outside and telling her guards to remember bringing her wives breakfast.

 

No, she hadn’t had anything herself. Had she had dinner? She could remember that Raven had brought her something, but after putting Sirius to bed she had only pulled the omega close, buried her head in Raven’s neck and fallen asleep. She could faintly remember that the omega insisted she ate something first.

 

“Maybe, but I don’t think that’s it.” Octavia said, looking at the Commander warily. Nobody’s lips should look that white.

 

“You have gotten better, Octavia. Is validation what you need?” Lexa asked, leaning against the closest tree.

 

“Forgive me, Heda.” Octavia said, knowing that she couldn’t and she shouldn't be disrespectful, not if she wanted the Commander to accept her help. “You just didn’t put your hands up to avoid the punch. You didn’t block me.”

 

Octavia watched the Commander clench her jaw, the woman was going to say something, but she stumbled with her next step. Octavia rushed to catch her, arms curling around the Commander’s waist as she held her up.

 

Octavia brought her down gently and sat her up against a tree trunk.

 

“Hey, Heda.” Octavia said, finding the Commander with her eyes barely open. She patted her cheek gently, trying to rouse her and keep her from losing consciousness altogether.

 

“I’m fine.” The Commander mumbled, trying to get up.

 

“No, you are not. I need to get you to Abby.” Octavia said, reaching out to pick the Commander up.

 

“No, no one can see me like this.” The Commander said, “I’ll be okay in a moment.”

 

Octavia looked at her, her pale complexion, her white lips, the dark bags under her eyes.

 

“I will just tell her to come here, she will keep this private.” Octavia said, reaching for her radio and talking to Abby before the Commander could say anything else.

 

“You really should take better care of yourself.” Octavia said as she sat down next to the Commander, she was half holding her with an arm around the Commander’s shoulders, if she let go, she was sure the Heda would just slump to the side.

 

“I am trying.” The Commander said, her head lolling back limply and falling against the trunk of the tree with a thump.

 

“No, you are taking care of Sirius, you are taking care of Raven and Clarke. You are barely giving yourself a second thought.” Octavia said. “I have seen it and I am happy Sirius has someone that loves him as  much as you do, but you need to let Raven and Clarke help more, I know they have told you this and Abby has done it as well and you are not listening.”

 

“You do not understand.” Lexa said, trying to open her eyes further to look at Octavia.

 

“I do. You are afraid and you have every reason to be, but you need to talk about this to someone, if you don’t want to make yourself worse. What if just now you had been holding Sirius? You collapsed, you would have dropped him.” Octavia said and just then Abby’s rushed steps came to sound next to them.

 

The doctor knelt next to the Commander and cupped her face gently with her hands, checking her eyes, looking at her complexion, measuring her heartbeat and her blood pressure.

 

“What happened? Did you hit her?” Abby asked, moving her eyes away from the Commander to look at Octavia.

 

“No, I felt dizzy. Everything went black and then I was sitting here.” The Commander said. “I told Octavia this wasn’t necessary.”

 

“She hasn’t been eating, drinking or sleeping properly.” Octavia insisted and Abby looked back at Lexa with worry.

 

“Yes, she is showing signs of low blood sugar.” Abby said, reaching for her medical bag and offering her a few glucose tablets and some water. “There is not much I can do about this, you need to get some food, fruits, maybe a sandwich. You need to start doing that regularly if you don’t want this to keep happening.”

 

“I will shove it down her throat if I have to.” Octavia said. “I spent most of the day with her either way.”

 

“Okay, good.” Abby said. “I would like you to come to the medbay for further testing, just to make sure the fainting was caused by lack of food and nothing else. I would like to stay here with you to oversee your recovery, but I am supposed to meet with Clarke and if I am not there, she will start asking questions.”

 

“Meet Clarke for what?” The Commander asked.

 

“A checkup. Time is running out, soon it won’t just be a ball of cells and aborting would be-”

 

“She has decided to keep the child.” Lexa said, the flatness of her tone surprising Octavia. It was the sound of resignation. “Please, keep me informed on her wellbeing and the child’s.”

 

“You may come if you wish to.” Abby said and Octavia watched the Commander’s jaw work from side to side, her throat bobbing with a hard swallow.

 

“She didn’t tell me about the checkup, my presence is obviously unwanted.” Lexa said, her eyes frozen into solid ice as she stared back at the doctor.

 

“As unwanted as it might be it is still your baby, you have the right to see them and to be there during the checkup.” Abby said and Lexa only shook her head from side to side.

 

“It is not my wish to aggravate Clarke further, much less now that anything could harm her and the baby. I will hear everything I need to know from you once I go to the medbay for my check up.” Lexa said and the doctor nodded, pulling Octavia out of earshot.

 

“You need to speak to Raven, or Clarke, this can’t continue. She’s constantly travelling and fighting, what if something like this happens in battle? She needs to eat and she needs to sleep and she needs to be able to be away from Sirius for 5 seconds without feeling like he is going to die.” Abby said and Octavia nodded, her gaze calm and steady.

 

“I will keep an eye on her, I will get back to you if I see she’s taking it too far.”

 

“She is taking it too far already. I have seen her drinking some grounder tea to keep herself awake. I have seen the grounder healers making it and bringing it to her, I don't know what’s in it, but she drinks it like it is water. We need to get her head back on track or she is going to hurt herself.” Abby said in a harsh whisper. Octavia nodded, she had seen the flask the Commander carried around, tucked safely in her coat.

 

“It’s going to be quite difficult to get her to be calm, she walks every day knowing the person she loves is going to die and that in some way she put her in that position.” Octavia said and Abby nodded, no one was more conscious of Clarke’s situation than she was.

 

“She is the Commander and she is Sirius’ mother, as insensitive as this might sound, she has to deal with it. We both know Clarke won’t change her mind.”

 

“But why? I just don’t understand her reasoning.”

 

“Clarke hates herself for being a killer, it is something that will never go away, even if she did it for survival there will always be a part of her that won’t be at peace with her actions. How do you think she would feel if she killed her own blood, her own child, a child that is also the vivid form of the love she shares with the Commander? Clarke doesn’t feel like she has done anything good, that all she has done is kill, even if it is to protect her people. But a child, the result of her love with the Commander… she probably feels like this is the best thing she will ever get to do, and she only has to give herself in exchange. For someone who has been through so much the decision is far too easy. There is also the fact that the Commander has lost a child before, that she is still heartbroken about it, Clarke probably doesn’t want her to feel that way again.” Abby said. “She is going to go past the first trimester soon, at this point all we can do is be here and handle things as they come.”

 

Octavia nodded her head and let Abby go, going back to her place next to the Commander. The omega picked up her water bottle and a fruit that she had saved for after training and offered it to the Heda.

 

Lexa shook her head, looking away from the food.

 

“You need this and you know it, you have a meeting soon and you cannot go like this. Just eat this, you will feel better.” The Commander accepted with a frown on her face, eating the food slowly, like it required a great deal of effort.

 

“Aren’t you hungry?” Octavia asked, not understanding what was happening. If the Commander hadn’t eaten in quite some time she should have been starving.

 

“No, If I was, I would eat, Octavia.” The Commander said and the omega frowned.

 

“But you haven’t been eating.”

 

“I feel constantly nauseous and getting things down has become a difficulty.” The Commander said and Octavia frowned further.

 

“Have you told anyone? Raven? Clarke? Your mother? She is a healer, she could help you.” Octavia insisted. “I am sure Abby would help too if she knew.”

 

“They are all preoccupied with other things, Raven takes care of Sirius for most of the day, Clarke helps her and has insisted on helping find a solution for the Nomad problem and there is also our baby. I am sure Abby is also concerned about her daughter’s safety.” Lexa said and Octavia rolled her eyes internally, of course the Commander would keep everything to herself.

 

“What about your mother? As far as I know she came here for you, I am sure she will be happy to help you, she will be happy you even need her still.” Octavia continued pressing, she could see in the Commander’s expression that she was considering it. “Come on, she is your mom!”

 

“I will speak to her when I am able.” The Commander said and Octavia decided to take it as a win.

 

A moment of silence passed between them. Octavia lay down on the forest floor while the Commander ate her food.

 

“Thank you, Octavia.” The Commander said and the warrior just nodded, taking a moment to think about what she was going to say before actually saying anything.

 

“If something happens to you, or to Clarke, or to any of you, those kids won’t be alone. Abby will be here for them, so will your mother and your siblings, and I will keep an eye on them, too.” Octavia said, watching as the Commander’s shoulders dropped just slightly.

 

“Thank you.” Lexa said once again, this time turning to look at the omega in the eye.

 

“It’s fine.” Octavia said, shrugging like it wasn’t a big deal. “With your genes and Clarke’s that kid is going to be nothing but a small ball of cuteness. Sirius is already so gorgeous.”

 

A smile stretched across the Commander’s face as she nodded.

 

“Yes, he is quite beautiful, quiet too.”

 

“Maybe that has more to do with the fact that you barely let him cry at all.” Octavia said and the Commander nodded, looking away with a light blush on her cheeks. Octavia smiled at her.

 

“I can’t know how his future is going to be like, but I can make sure he is happy now. He probably won’t remember any of it, but I hope what I do keeps his heart safe.”

 

“It will, I am sure.” Octavia said as she stood up and offered the Commander her hand to help her up.

 

The Commander looked at the offered hand for a few seconds before taking it, barely making any effort to get to her feet.

 

………………………

 

“Clarke! Clarke! CLARKE!”  the sudden shout of her name made the blonde’s eyes snap open. Her heart was racing and she felt shaky, she could feel her shirt sticking to her back uncomfortably and her face, her face was wet.

 

The first thing she saw was Raven leaning over her with concern in her eyes. The next thing she felt were the omegas arms around her, hugging her close and tight.

 

“It’s fine, we are safe in our room.” Raven whispered, worried as she felt Clarke’s heart beat uncontrollably against her chest. “Shhh, it’s just me, we are all okay. I am here, Lexa is probably pummeling Octavia’s face, Sirius is in his crib smelling like death and needing urgently a diaper change. All is well, I promise.” Raven said, feeling a little relieved when she heard Clarke let out a wet chuckle.

 

“I should get to that then.” Clarke said, her voice hoarse with sleep as she tried to move away. Raven didn’t let her, holding onto the blonde’s arm to keep her on the bed.

 

“I just said that to make you smile. Do you want to talk about your dream?” Raven asked, pulling away just enough to be able to look at the blonde’s face.

 

“I don’t remember it exactly, I just have this feeling…” Clarke said and a shudder wracked her body. Raven frowned in concern and moved closer once again, hoping to calm the alpha’s body with her own.

 

“It’s over now.” Raven whispered, running her hand gently over the blonde’s soft hair. “Do you want to stay here for a little while? We have sometime before your appointment.”

 

“We? You are coming with me?” Clarke asked, looking back at the omega with surprise.

 

“Well, who else? You didn’t tell Lexa, and I would never let you go on your own.” Raven said, rubbing Clarke’s arm. “I think your plan is horrible still, but I know how much it would break her to choose between you and the baby, so I don’t know, I think it will end up badly, like really badly, but I’m here for you. You don’t have to be broken hearted and lonely, just broken hearted.” Raven said, giving the blonde a small smile.

 

“Thanks, Rae. Really.” Clarke said. “You need to promise me you won’t let her turn into someone else because of me.”

 

“Please,” Raven said, her face falling. “do not talk about yourself like you are dead already, I am sure Abby will find a way to keep you both safe.”

 

“Raven, I am an alpha, my body is not designed for this.”

 

“If it wasn’t you wouldn’t have been able to get pregnant to begin with. Look, I know your pregnancy might not go as swiftly as mine, and that the birth might be complicated, and that you or the baby might die, but I have to believe that our technology and our knowledge are worth something. Here, on the ground, the healers basically work completely blind, barely able to tell if the baby is even in the right position to come out. You are young, you are strong, you are healthy, I have to believe that things will be okay. Someone has to.” Raven said and Clarke closed her eyes for a moment, breathing deeply as she let her forehead rest against the omega’s shoulder.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good, now go get changed, we have an appointment.”

 

…………………………...

 

“Nomon?” Lexa asked as she opened the door that lead to her mother’s quarters.

 

Caia turned around with a smile, holding in her hand a small shirt. Lexa assumed it belonged to her little sister, to Kai. Judging by the small pile of clothes on the bed Lexa guessed her mother was folding clothes.

 

“Hello, my love. I am happy to see you.” Caia said, letting the small shirt fall on the bed as she moved closer to Lexa, opening her arms to let the woman fall into a hug if she wanted to. Lexa moved forwards and buried her head in her mother’s neck, Caia’s hands rubbed up and down her back and Lexa clutched the older woman tight to her body.

 

“You saw me yesterday, Nomon.” Lexa said as a small smile spread across her face. Caia pulled away just enough to cup her daughter’s cheeks.

 

“I am happy to see you always.” Caia said easily, a bright smile on her face. Lexa felt warmth spread across her chest and leaned forwards to hug her mother just a bit longer.

 

“I wish to talk to you, if you have the time.” Lexa said.

 

“Of course, my child. Come, come!” Caia said, bringing her daughter to sit next to her on the bed. “What is it?” the woman said, reaching a hand up to caress her daughter’s hair.

 

“I have been feeling sick lately and I do not know why. I was hoping you could help me.” Lexa said and Caia’s smile instantly shifted into a worried frown.

 

“Sick how? How are you feeling?”

 

“Mostly nauseous, I have vomited a few times and when I take care of my needs those aren’t as they should be either.” Lexa said, her cheeks blushing slightly towards the end. “Because of that I haven’t been eating much lately and it is starting to affect me.”

 

“Of course, being sick while taking care of a child must be leaving you really exhausted. Have you been eating or drinking anything unusual? Or have your eating habits stayed the same?” Caia asked and something instantly came to Lexa’s mind. She reached for the inside pocket of her coat and pulled out a flask offering it to her mother.

 

Caia took the flask and opened it, sniffing its contents and looking back up at Lexa with wide eyes.

 

“How often have you been drinking this?” Caia said and Lexa sighed.

 

“It’s basically all I am drinking right now, I need it to stay awake, to take care of Sirius properly.”

 

“Darling, you are having more than your body can take. You can’t drink so much of this, it helps you stay awake but it has side effects, stomach aches, headaches, heart palpitations. You won’t be able to keep anything down if you keep drinking this.” Caia said, looking up at her daughter worriedly.

 

“But how will I manage to stay awake during the night without it?”

 

“You are not supposed to stay awake all night, your partners should be helping you with Sirius and you should be able to get some sleep.” Caia said as she worried looked up at her daughter.

 

“I am just so afraid something will happen to him. Also, I just want to be with him for as long as I can, I feel like every day I have with him is a gift that could be taken away in a matter of seconds. I know it is not logical and that he wouldn’t remember me, but I will remember and these moments are all I will get to take away with me.” Lexa said, her eyes getting covered by a thin film of tears.

 

“My child…” Caia whispered, her tone pained as she pulled Lexa closer, so the Commander would lean her head comfortably against her shoulder. “You won’t be able to do much for him if you get yourself sick. He needs you strong and well rested.”

 

“I just can’t help but feel like I am not going to be here for long and that I need to make the most out of every single second I have with him, because it all can be taken away so fast. I know he doesn’t need me, I know he will be okay, but I still want to be here, I have never wanted anything more than this.” Lexa said, her voice hoarse and tired.

 

“I understand, love. But you need to keep in mind that if you had to be taken to the infirmary for dehydration, exhaustion, or for poor nutrition you wouldn’t be able to spend time with him either. I understand you are afraid of not being able to spend time with him. I know how it feels, I didn’t get to see you grow up, but you can’t worry about things you can’t control. It is out of your hands, my love. But you can take care of yourself and you must.” Caia said, lovingly rubbing circles on Lexa’s back as she leaned her head on her daughter’s.

 

“I don’t know how to stop feeling this way, Nomon. I just feel like I am going to miss out on everything.” Lexa said, her eyes watering as she buried her face further into her mother’s shirt.

 

“You have to know that wouldn’t be your choice, it wouldn’t be your fault and he would never blame you for it. You need to accept that this may be something that happens to you and as unfair as it is, that’s just how life works sometimes.” Caia whispered and Lexa gently nodded against her neck.

 

“And everything with Clarke is just…” The thought alone was enough for Lexa’s face to contort in agony, tears streamed down her face as a sob build in her chest. She couldn’t really put what she was feeling into words.

 

“I know, my love.” Caia whispered, her heart aching for her daughter. “I know.”

 

Caia took the chance to help her daughter down gently, letting her curl up against her chest as she held her close

 

“I am right here for you, right here.” Caia continued to whisper, feeling like if she spoke any louder Lexa would just break in her hands.

 

…………………

 

Clarke woke up in the middle of the night for no particular reason, she saw Raven lying comfortably next to her and pulled the blankets up so they would cover the omega’s shoulders. Then, she looked further to side and found Lexa’s side of the bed empty. Clarke sighed and got to her feet, moving towards Sirius’ room. As expected, Lexa was right there, holding the baby close to her chest with her head tilted gently towards his, she was humming a soft melody, one that as far as Clarke could tell had no words. That melody was probably the reason why Lexa was the best out of the three of them at getting him to sleep.

 

Clarke could see that Sirius was asleep, had probably been asleep for quite some time, but Lexa seemed unable to put him down.

 

“He is asleep, Lexa.” Clarke said softly, trying her best not to wake him. “He won’t be waking up anytime soon, you can come back to bed.”

 

“I must leave tomorrow at first light.” Lexa answered, turning around to look at Clarke with tired green eyes. “I am needed at Polis and I can’t refuse to leave.”

 

“I know.” Clarke said, hiding her surprise at the news. Now she knew why Lexa had barely said two words after dinner. “He will be fine with us.”

 

“I know. I am just trying to get as much time with him as I can before leaving.”

 

“Then bring him to bed with us.” Clarke said and Lexa shook her head.

 

“We could hurt him.”

 

“We won’t, we will put pillows around him, our bed is big enough. Or you could just hold him.” Clarke said, watching the exhaustion in Lexa’s face with worry.

 

“He could fall.”

 

“Not if you sleep in the middle.” Clarke said and Lexa turned to look at her. Their eyes locked.

 

“I don’t think that’s something you want.” Lexa said and in the low light her eyes glistened.

 

“It’s fine, just go back to bed.” Clarke insisted and Lexa finally nodded.

 

“Rae.” Clarke whispered as she got to their bed and shook Raven awake.

 

The Mechanic opened her eyes with annoyance, her eyes widening slightly when she saw Lexa with Sirius in her arms.

 

“Scoot, we have a visitor.” The blonde said and the Mechanic smiled as she moved to the side, welcoming Lexa with open arms as the Commander laid down next to her with her precious baby sleeping on her chest.

 

“My babies.” Raven whispered, pressing a kiss to Sirius head and another to Lexa’s cheek as she curled an arm around her baby and her wife.

 

Clarke laid down on Lexa’s other side, pulling the blankets up over their bodies, but not getting too close to the Commander.

 

“To what do I owe this pleasant surprise.” Raven said with a big smile as she caressed her baby’s little head.

 

“I will be leaving at first light.” Lexa said quietly, her eyes downcast, knowing that she should have told Raven sooner.

 

“Oh.” Raven said, her first instinct was to give Lexa a piece of her mind for not saying anything before, but Clarke’s meaningful look from the Commander’s other side made her rethink her response. “Don’t worry baby, we will be okay for a few days.” Raven said, placing her hand over Lexa’s on Sirius’s back and letting their fingers interlock.

 

“I know, I just… worry.” The Commander said and both Raven and Clarke looked at her with concern.

 

“We knew this would happen eventually, but once the issue with the Nomads is resolved we will move back to Polis and we won’t have to be apart too often. It is just a matter of time.” Raven said, moving closer to press a kiss to Lexa’s cheek. “It’s going to be okay, baby.” the omega insisted, letting her forehead rest against Lexa’s temple.

 

Clarke watched silently, wanting to help, wanting to comfort Lexa, but knowing that soon enough she wouldn’t be there to do so.

 

Lexa leaned back against the pillows with her hands holding Sirius’ small body and with Raven tucked close to her side, closing her eyes and trying not to think about how she soon would be gone.

 

……………………….

 

“Why don’t you go join her in the shower?” Clarke asked Raven, they were both still in bed, with Sirius lying comfortably on the mattress between their bodies. “She needs you right now, leaving was already hard before this little guy was born.”

 

“She needs you too, will you join us?” Raven asked, already knowing that Clarke would say no, but wanting more than anything for Clarke and Lexa to be what they were before.

 

“Can you just please go? I can’t stand the look in her face any longer, she is in pain, Raven.” Clarke said, frustrated.

 

“I know, and so am I. Hell, so are you. We both know that when she leaves there’s always a pretty good chance of her not coming back, how would you feel if she left now, got killed and the last memory of you she will have are those things you said in an idiotic move to protect her from a pain that you don’t even know she will even get to suffer.” Raven said, her eyes pleading with Clarke to listen to her, to understand.

 

“Raven-”

 

“No, Clarke. I am on your side, I am backing you up and I am supporting your decision, but you are handling it poorly. You are counting on the fact that you will be able to carry the baby somewhat close to term and that you are going to die during birth, what if none of that happens? I am sorry, Clarke, but we both know this a high-risk pregnancy, has been one from the moment it started, and you might have a miscarriage. What would you do then? After losing your baby and breaking Lexa’s heart? I know you are just trying to protect her, but things may not even go the way you think. It’s not worth it.” Raven said and she watched Clarke’s eyes fill with tears.

 

The Mechanic leaned forward, reaching out over Sirius’ small body to rub Clarke’s back.

 

“I know it’s rough, I know it is an impossible decision. And I am sorry you can’t just have a normal pregnancy. I am really sorry, Clarke.” Raven said, moving her hand further up to catch a few of the tears trailing down the blonde’s cheek with her thumb.

 

“I can’t give up on this baby, I can’t kill it, Raven. I just can’t.” Clarke whispered, her voice shaking.

 

“Then tell her, figure it out with her, but don’t put this void between the two of you, I know your thing with her hasn’t always been my favorite thing in the world, but seeing you both like this is killing me. I know you want to prepare her from when your absence is permanent, if it ever gets to be, but that doesn’t matter, she will be in pain either way.”

 

“This will make it easier, it has to. It will be less painful because the distance, my absence won’t be so new, so sudden.” Clarke said, her voice shaking as a multitude of feeling started filling up her chest, she had never been so overwhelmed.

 

“Look me in the eye and tell me you really believe that’s going to work out.” Raven said and Clarke wasn’t able to hold her gaze. “I am going to keep her a little longer in the bathroom, you try to think, okay? You can talk to her before she leaves.” The omega said, pressing a kiss to Clarke’s forehead and then Sirius’ before moving to the bathroom.

 

Clarke stayed in bed with the small child. Sirius was wiggling around, his fingers curling around Clarke’s and squeezing. The blonde smiled as her insides were filled with something other than dread and pain, as warmth spread across her chest.

 

“How could I ever keep her from experienced this again?” Clarke asked the baby. “She’s going to love them as much as she loves you and like that, she will always have a part of me with her. And you’ll have a little brother and sister to play with, won’t you?” Clarke whispered at the baby, leaning down to blow a raspberry on his cheek, Sirius seemed to smile as the blonde pulled away, placing soft kisses on his cheek and caressing the top of his head. “You both are going to make everything worth it, I am sure.”

 

…………………………..

 

“You have been here for a while.” Raven said as she got inside the shower and wrapped her arms around Lexa’s slick bare body from behind. The Commander only hummed in response, relaxing in Raven’s arms as the omega ran her hands over the deep lines that framed her abdomen.

 

Raven decide to stay still for a moment, only holding her wife gently and placing gentle kisses over her shoulders, she knew Lexa was making time on purpose, she knew she didn’t want to go.

 

After a few minutes the Commander turned around in Raven’s arms, bumping her nose against the omega’s with a small smile.

 

“Ai hod yu in, Raven kom Skaikru.” Lexa said, her voice quiet, her eyes sincere. Raven felt her heart speed up in her chest. She held Lexa’s hand in her own and placed it over her chest.

 

“And I love you.” Raven said, leaning in to take Lexa’s lips with her own. The kiss was deep, languid, slow. Their chests were pressed close, so much so that they could feel each other’s hearts beating fast and strong.

 

“Forgive me for leaving you like this, I am sorry, Raven.” Lexa said, looking deeply into the omega’s eyes in hopes she would see she was being honest.

 

“I know that if it was your choice you would never leave, that means everything to me.” Raven said, cupping the back of Lexa’s neck with her hand and caressing her skin with as much gentleness as she could manage.

 

“Thank you for understanding. If you ever get tired of waiting for me you can tell me, I will understand and you may find someone who will be by your side.” Lexa said, her eyes downcast as Raven’s expression instantly turned into a deep frown.

 

“Don’t say that, that’s a whole bunch of nonsense.” Raven said, pulling the Commander into a tight hug. Her arms wrapped themselves around the Commander’s back and clutched her hard, feeling as Lexa buried her face on the crook of her neck, nosing at her skin and letting her lips kiss everywhere they could. “I will wait for you for as long as I need to.”

 

“No.” Lexa said, pulling away to look into Raven’s eyes. “Promise me that if you are ever unhappy you will stop waiting.”

 

“Lexa-” Raven tried to interrupt.

 

“Promise me, I can’t go knowing that you will always be waiting even if you are unhappy.”

 

“You said you would only be away for a week, two at most, are you planning to go for longer?” Raven said, even if she knew Lexa wasn’t talking about her trip.

 

“Raven, please, I need to know you will be happy.” Lexa insisted.

 

“Where is this coming from? Is not like you are going to war, you are just meeting with the Ambassadors to discuss the Nomad issue. Lexa, is there something you aren’t telling me?” Raven asked, her heart freezing in her chest when the Commander looked away. “Lexa, what the hell is going on?”

 

“Roan has lost sight of Ontari.”

 

“He has lost sight of Ontari…” Raven was three seconds away from blowing up. “How the fuck did he lost sight of Ontari? And since when do you hide things from me?”

 

Lexa winced at Raven’s tone and the omega didn’t have it in her to feel sorry about it.

 

“Don’t worry, please. It is nothing.”

 

“Do you seriously pretend that I believe that after you have basically given me a goodbye speech? When did you find out about Ontari? Why didn’t you tell us?” Raven asked, anger bubbling hot in her veins.

 

“The rider came yesterday, I didn’t mention it because I was still trying to figure out what it all means, I am still trying to figure it out. And it isn’t a goodbye speech, I love you, I need to know you are going to be happy if I want to keep my mind steady.” Lexa said, trying to make Raven understand.

 

“After everything we have been through, after Sirius, I thought that you would value your life more than this.”

 

“I value it, Raven. All I want is to stay here, with you, with Clarke, with our child, but I can’t. Can you even understand how that feels? I don’t have a choice, Raven. I can’t tell my people I no longer want to be Commander because they will execute me. This is not about how much I value my life, this is about how things are, about how much I love you and how I can’t leave knowing that you will be holding on to someone who will never be able to give you everything.” Lexa said, her eyes flooding with tears as she looked away from Raven. Her heart filling with shame and sorrow.

 

“Lexa, I swear to god, I do not need you to be here every second of every day. I fell in love with you knowing who you were, knowing what your duty demanded of you and I fell in love anyway. Whatever happens I feel like all of it was worth it, you are worth it and I would do it all again if I had to, because I love you and you make me happy.” Raven said, cupping Lexa’s jaw with her hand and feeling the alpha lean into the contact.

 

“I am leaving and I don’t know what is waiting for me out there. I need to know that you will let go if I don’t come back.”

 

“Lexa, why do you have to bring this up? You are going to come back.” Raven said and this time it was Lexa the one to cradle her face gently in her hands.

 

“One day I may not, and at the beginning I could manage what that meant because I thought you didn’t love me, but now you love me and as beautiful as it is it may bring you pain in the future. I need to know you will be able to let it go and find someone else.” Lexa said and Raven’s eyes filled with tears, she knew that things between them were different now and she knew that Lexa wouldn’t be able to leave clear headed if Raven didn’t tell her what she needed to hear. However, Raven wasn’t sure she could do what Lexa was asking of her, they were bonding, her heart had never been in a better place and she wanted Lexa. So, she said something that would appease the Commander’s mind, but that didn’t bind her to find another romantic interest if the Commander were to die in the near future.

 

“I will try my best to be happy, I promise.” Raven said, watching as Lexa’s shoulders fell with relief. The alpha moved forwards and wrapped Raven in her arms.

 

“Forgive me, if I could I would give you everything.” Lexa whispered in Raven’s ear.

 

“You already do, baby, you already do.” Raven said, closing her eyes as she breathed the alpha’s scent deep into her lungs, as she let herself feel Lexa’s slick skin against her own.

 

………………………

 

Watching Lexa say goodbye to Sirius was one of the most heartbreaking things Clarke had ever seen in her life.

 

The Commander held the small child close to her chest, whispering things no one else could hear into her son’s small ear. She rubbed his back and pressed kisses to the top of his head, she apologized and told him she loved him. She buried her nose in his short curls and breathed in, trying to make his scent latch itself onto her lungs.

 

To make things worse Sirius wasn’t too happy when Lexa put him back on Raven’s arms, he started crying and Clarke could see Lexa’s heart shattering right in front of her eyes. The Commander went to pick her son up again when someone knocked on the door, telling her that everyone was ready to go and that they were already behind schedule. Lexa clenched her jaw and fists, she moved close to Raven and pressed a kiss to her lips, leaving another on Sirius head before leaving the room.

 

“Do not let her go like this.” Raven told her, giving her a look that Clarke couldn’t ignore. The blonde left the room in a hurry and called out to Lexa just before the Commander could turn on the corner.

 

“Lexa!” Clarke said and the Commander seemed to freeze, her muscles clenching as she turned around to look at the blonde.

 

“Yes?”

 

“I need to speak to you.” Clarke said, her hands shaking.

 

“Heda.” one of the generals called. “We are already behind-”

 

“Wait!” Lexa snapped, her eyes blazing with fury, she was already upset enough without her generals pushing her buttons.

 

“It’s fine, it can wait until you come back. I just…” Clarke stammered, not knowing what to say next. “I had a checkup and you should have been there… the baby and I, we are both okay and healthy so far and my mom says that if I keep taking care of myself, I should be able to carry the baby past the first trimester. I just wanted to bring you this.” Clarke said as she offered Lexa an ultrasound picture.

 

The Commander took it slowly, her chest feeling tight and heavy as she stared at the image.

 

“I made you this, too. I thought maybe you would like to take it with you.” Clarke said, offering Lexa the most recent drawing she had made of Sirius.

 

Lexa felt her heart clench in her chest as she looked at her baby’s face. She looked up and Clarke watched her eyes turn gray with sadness under the pale lights of the Mountain.

 

“Thank you, Clarke.” Lexa said quietly and the blonde nodded.

 

“We will talk when you come back?”

 

“Of course. I’d appreciate if you kept me updated with your health.” Lexa said and Clarke nodded quickly, awkwardly, the tension between them hard and palpable.

 

“I will, have a safe trip.” The blonde said and Lexa nodded, she seemed to hesitate before leaving, taking a step towards the blonde only to think better of it and turn back around, getting lost in the Mountain’s halls in a matter of seconds.

 

…………………………..

 

During the two weeks that followed taking care of Sirius was a lot harder than Raven and Clarke could have ever imagined. Nights were especially awful, Sirius would cry and cry, he would fuss and move around in their arms, they knew that he wanted Lexa and they knew that he could tell them apart, either by their voices or their scents, he knew they weren’t the ones that put him to sleep at night and he wasn’t too happy about it.

 

Things got slightly better when they started putting on Lexa’s clothes at night to help him fall asleep. He seemed to be comforted by her scent, but still getting him to fall asleep took a lot longer than before. Raven was heartbroken, as was Clarke, they had never heard him cry so much and during the day he had turned into a moody little thing, his face scrunched up and just a bit of darkness under his eyes.

 

Raven was ready to pull her hair out. The worst part of everything was that they couldn’t tell Lexa about it, they knew that the Commander couldn’t do what she had to do in Polis if she heard that her son wasn’t sleeping as much as he usually did because his mom was away for work. Lexa would feel awful and they knew it.

 

“I finally managed to get to an agreement with the ambassadors.” Lexa told them, almost a week and half after she had left. “Given that most of the able-bodied men and women belonging to the Nomad people were killed during the attack and that the ones left are the old, the children and their caretakers, we decided to spread the remaining of their people among the 12 clans, if not the ones that remain are going to end up dying. The Ambassadors decided to agree under the conditions that the Nomads took part doing hard labor and that they couldn’t have the same freedom as the rest of the citizens. They will be watched by the guard and they won’t be able to leave the villages they will be assigned to. They will have to work hard, but at least they will have a bigger chance to make it than in the Deadlands.”

 

“That’s honestly better than I expected, I assumed your Ambassadors would go for their heads.” Raven said, keeping her voice down to keep Sirius asleep for as long as possible.

 

“They did, I just had to remind them that the people that attacked us are dead already, the people left behind did nothing but try to survive.”

 

“Does that mean you are coming back soon?”

 

“Yes, I already sent some of my most promising warriors towards the Deadlands so that they might give our offer to the Nomads, those that refuse may stay and die, those that accept will be taken towards the different clans. I should be going back to the Mountain in two days.” Lexa said and Raven quietly sighed in relief, next to her Clarke wrapped her arm around the omega’s shoulders and hugged her with a smile.

 

“We will be waiting for you, Sirius is excited to see you.” Raven said and then softly, quietly. “I love you.”

 

“And I love you.” Lexa answered, without hesitation. “I will be there as soon as I can.”

 

……………….

 

Two days later the rescue teams came back to the Mountain with the survivors belonging to the Commander’s travelling party. None of them were the Heda.

 

Clarke and Raven were waiting by the doors as a stretcher was pulled out of one of the rovers. Panic was filling their veins, fear clogging their throats. They quickly recognized Octavia’s blood-stained face and rushed to her side, Clarke uncovered the heavily bleeding wound on her shoulder, a big hole rested under the bandage, it could have only been provoked by a high caliber rifle. Octavia’s clavicle was probably shattered.

 

“O. O! Please, where is she?” Raven begged as she stared down at her friend. The young omega was pale, her eyes barely open and hazy from the blood loss.

 

“Octavia!” Clarke said strongly as she cupped the omega’s face between her hands, patting her cheek to try to rouse her slightly. “Heda, where is Heda?”

 

“He… He… took he-her.” Octavia mumbled, her eyelids fell heavily and a shallow breath left her lips.

 

“Who?” Clarke asked, she knew her friend needed medical attention, she knew she was being selfish by keeping her from getting to her mother, but she needed to know and so did Raven.

 

Octavia’s eyes opened wider, filling with clarity as they stared back into Clarke’s blue ones. A moment later a name came out of her lips, a single word, the only one that could possibly turn the blonde’s blood into ice.

 

“Emerson.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, don't hate me.


	18. Chapter 18

_ We both know that when she leaves there’s always a pretty good chance of her not coming back… _

 

Clarke reached for the toilet and spilled all the contents of her stomach inside of it.

 

_...how would you feel if she left now, got killed… _

 

She tried to breathe, but her lungs wouldn’t listen. All she could think about was that last moment with Lexa. How the Commander had stepped towards her with a hand stretched outwards, how she had looked at Clarke with her eyes full of pain and sadness, how she had clenched said hand into a fist and walked away, believing that her touch would be rejected.

 

She should have stopped her, taken her by the waist and kissed her slowly and gently, like Lexa deserved to be kissed. She should have reassured her, told her that everything between them would be okay, that she loved her, that she would love her always. She should have never let Lexa leave without the spark she had extinguished from those green eyes.

 

She should have told Lexa she loved her, she should have… she should have...

 

. _..and the last memory of you she will have are those things you said. _

 

She wanted to scream, her face was red and blotchy with the urge, her chest hurt like never before as everything inside of her started collapsing inwards. She thought she had fallen apart before, but nothing compared to this. She reached for a towel and put it in her mouth, screaming into it as hard as she could, trying to muffle the sound and hoping Raven would not wake up. The Omega had barely closed her eyes in days and Clarke knew she needed rest, for herself, for Sirius. Thinking about the child only made her scream louder, her throat aching with the strain as she started to sob, keeping the towel in her mouth at all times to avoid waking up the omega.

 

The flushing of the toilet almost made her heart jump straight out of her chest. She looked up with a sob stuck in her throat and tears rolling down her cheeks to meet Raven’s own pair of bloodshot eyes.

 

“I noticed you had spiked my tea,” Raven said, her tone blank and her eyes swollen as she sat next to Clarke, curling an arm around her shoulders. “I’m smart, you know?”

 

“I am sorry, you just haven’t been sleeping and I am worried and I just-” Clarke fumbled with her words before they were altogether cut off by a sob. Raven turned and hugged her tight, letting the blonde rest her head on her shoulder.

 

“I know. We are doing everything we can, we will find her soon, I am sure.” Raven said, trying to keep her thoughts at bay, it had been almost a week, they had most of the Trikru army spread over the land and they hadn’t found anything.

 

“I’ve been lying to you,” Clarke said and the omega stiffened at once, pulling away to look into the blonde’s eyes.

 

“What are you saying, Clarke?” Raven said, instantly furious.

 

“The gona have found a couple of things in the forest, spread over the land in no particular order or pointing to any particular direction,” Clarke said, her voice was shaky, as was her heartbeat.

 

“What things?” Raven said, her voice cold. Clarke could feel her shaking with anger.

 

“First they found her sash, then her shoulder pauldron, then-” Clarke’s voice broke and Raven’s heart broke with it, she instantly knew something bad was coming. “her fingernails, all ten of them…” Raven broke into sobs, Clarke seemed to falter and the omega just got impossibly angrier.

 

“Just finish, damn it!” Raven demanded and Clarke closed her eyes, reaching for the inside of her jacket and taking from it Lexa’s wedding band. Raven took it from Clarke’s fingers, anxiously looking at the inside inscription and seeing that it said Clarke’s name, not her own. Lexa was still wearing the ring that symbolized her union with Raven.

 

“They are hurting her,” Raven said in a whimper. The mere thought of Emerson touching Lexa made her sick.

 

“He sent something else,” Clarke said, offering Raven a note that had come inside the box.

 

“You know she is not the one I want. Have your radio ready, we will negotiate tonight.” Raven read out loud and frowned, her heart ached. She knew exactly what he meant.

 

“He wants you,” Raven said, quietly.

 

“Yes, don’t worry, we will arrange a trade, and she will be back by your side. You and Sirius, you both will make her all better.” Clarke said, nodding to herself as she looked back at Raven.

 

“Are you completely out of your mind?” Raven asked. “Emerson will kill you, kill Lexa and kill the baby you are carrying, there is no way he’s letting any of you leave. We don’t even know if Lexa is alive.” 

 

“We will ask him to talk to her, if he doesn’t agree we have to assume she is gone.” Clarke said, her eyes filling with tears once again, but I need to believe that won’t be the case, I know she is alive.”

 

Raven shook her head, knowing that things were just about to get uglier.

 

………………..

 

“I have heard the savages call you Wanheda now, the legendary Mountain Slayer. To think you got that title by bathing in the blood of my son and wife.” Emerson said, his voice cracking and sounding very far away as it came through the radio, the signal was weak, barely connecting, that was enough to tell them he was farther away than they had expected. “I think it is time for me to take something of yours. I can’t explain the joy I felt when I heard about your wedding, finally, there was someone I could take from you that would cause you at least some of the pain that I felt.” He said, aggressively, angry, before he calmed.

 

He stayed silent for a few moments and the people around the table only listened quietly. Abby, Marcus, Clarke, Raven, Indra, and some of the Commander’s most trusted generals.

 

“Your wife is making me feel quite insecure now. She doesn’t believe you will come to save her. At the beginning I thought she was just trying to protect you, so I tried to beat the truth out of her, even after I split my knuckles against her teeth she kept insisting, she told me that you had barely spoken to her, barely touched her in such a long time she couldn’t even remember the last time she held you. I couldn’t believe her so I started using the whip, it is not something I am too familiar with, but someone belonging to the Nomads taught me how to make one, sadly someone had already had the same idea, her back is such a masterpiece, I was honored to add to it. She kept insisting, saying that you wouldn’t come, much less that you would trade your life for hers so I tied some rope around her neck and pulled it as hard as I could. I watched her struggle to breathe, dark splotches appear on her eyes, on her face, I saw her make peace with death just to realize I wouldn’t let her go so easily. She told me to get it over with, that you weren’t coming, and it just pissed me off, Clarke, so much.” Emerson said.

 

Clarke sat on her chair, her whole body shaking, her fists clenched into fists as she tried to keep herself from throwing the radio against the wall. By her side was Raven, staring ahead, her face slack, barely breathing.

 

“So tell me, Clarke, are you really that heartless? Do you not love this woman anymore? She is completely sure you won’t be coming for her. I have to give it to her, she is a strong one, hasn’t screamed, not once, and believe me, I have tried.”

 

“I need proof that she is alive,” Clarke said before Emerson could say anything else.

 

“I knew you would ask that,” Emerson said and for a few moments only static came from the other side. “Speak, savage!” Emerson said and muffled sounds came from the other end before Lexa’s voice came through, broken, weak, hoarse with pain and exhaustion. 

 

“Cl-Clarke?” The Commander mumbled, she sounded congested, probably the result of a broken nose.

 

Raven seemed to react then, she took the radio from the table and clutched it hard with her hands, holding it close to her body.

 

“Lexa, baby, I love you, I love you!” Raven said insistently as she tried not to sob.

 

“Raven-” Lexa said and was cut off by a round of harsh, wet coughing. “Forgive me, please, for...give…. me…”

 

“Don’t say that love, you are going to be okay, I promise,” Raven said, sobbing when Emerson’s voice came from the radio instead of Lexa’s.

 

“I think that’s enough,” Emerson said. “I have no interest in the grounder savage, I want the legendary Wanheda, give yourself to me and I will let her go. I am sure you can track the signal of her radio, but just to make sure… We are at the Crumbling City, there is a building in the middle of it, I have your Commander on the third floor. The deal is easy, as soon as you step inside the building I ask some of my partners to dump your wife somewhere outside where some of your savages will find her. You must come alone, I am not by myself, and if my companions see or hear anything suspicious I will crack her skull with the sole of my boot. You have four days to get here, if you don’t I will continue sending her back to you in pieces. Finger by finger, toe by toe, until you have enough to complete the puzzle.”

 

After that, the communications went dead and Emerson didn’t continue answering.

 

Before anyone could say anything Raven stood up and walked away.

 

………………

 

When Raven got back to her room she found Caia holding Sirius, caressing the back of his head as she hummed a soft melody, the same Lexa used to hum to him. Now Raven knew where she had gotten it from.

 

The woman turned slowly when she heard Raven come in, her bloodshot eyes met the Mechanic’s and right then Raven understood why Clarke hadn’t initially told her about the packages. There was no way she was telling Caia that someone had sent her daughter’s nails in a box.

 

“She is alive, there is still hope,” Raven said, watching as the woman’s eyes instantly filled with hope.

 

“She is? Did you speak to her?” Caia asked and Raven nodded, trying very hard to offer the woman a small smile.

 

“I did, she is strong, she will hold on until we get her back,” Raven said, reaching out with her hand to caress her baby’s back, he was having such a tough time, too. He missed Lexa, Raven was sure of it, he was a calm, quiet baby, but since Lexa had left his sleeping pattern had gotten a bit out of control, he was tired, irritable, and would often cry for no particular reason. Wrapping him up on Lexa’s clothes was the only thing that helped, that and Caia’s humming, but Raven couldn’t help but wonder what she would do when Lexa’s scent worn off from her clothes. The thought alone made her chest ache.

 

Caia just nodded, not saying anything. Every breath felt like a stab in her chest, her child was gone, suffering, alone with bad people. Caia could only hope she would see her again, and she promised to herself that if she did, she would never be away from her daughter again, she would take care of her always, like she was supposed to.

 

“Can you look after Sirius for a few more hours?” Raven asked, already knowing that Caia wouldn’t say no. “I need to help them find a way to get her back.”

 

“Of course. Please, let me know if you hear anything else.” Caia said, her eyes red-rimmed as they stared into Raven’s own.

 

“I will, I promise.”

 

……………………..

 

“Rae, hey,” Octavia said as she watched the other omega move inside the room. Lincoln was sitting by her side feeding her some soup.

 

“Hey, how are you doing, O?” Raven said, sitting carefully on the edge of the bed, she didn’t want to move her friend and cause her pain.

 

“Good, I am healing well. Abby says that if I take it easy I will have better chances to get full mobility on my shoulder.”

 

“That’s good, that’s good,” Raven said. Octavia was still really pale, her cheeks looked slightly hollow and her body looked weak where it laid in the middle of the bed. “I was hoping I could ask you both some questions.”

 

“Of course,” Lincoln said at once, offering Raven a small smile.

 

“The Crumbling City. Why have I never heard of it?”

 

“Because no one goes there, people forget it exists and no one in their right mind would want to be near it,” Octavia said, she knew about the Crumbling City, she knew where it was and why it was so easily overlooked, the Commander had shown it to her when she had been teaching Octavia about the Trikru territory. 

 

“Why?” Raven asked, hanging onto Octavia’s every word.

 

“You have seen how Polis is built around the remnants of a city from the old world, how the people there have been able to use the remaining buildings, houses, their structure, to build their homes. The Polis tower is the biggest example of this, it’s old, but it is stable enough to last many years and for it to be safe to live there.” Octavia said and Raven nodded along.

 

“The Crumbling City it’s the opposite,” Lincoln said. “It has many buildings, structures like Polis does, but they are weakened, weathered by time and damaged because of Praimfaya. Everything in there is collapsing, people don’t go there because it is very likely to end up buried under rubble. Of course, there are some structures that are stronger than others, some have fallen with a strong wind, or with a storm, others remain, but they are all meant to fall sooner or later.”

 

“Emerson took Lexa there, he told Clarke to go there for an exchange,” Raven said, trying to think. “He has men in the perimeter and he said that he would kill Lexa if he got word of someone other than Clarke going to the city.

 

“There is no way he has enough men to cover the whole city,” Octavia said at once. “The Nomads have been accounted for, when we were on the settlement there were no able-bodied people left.”

 

“But what if the ones we took care of weren’t the only ones, they can’t be, Emerson wouldn’t feel so safe if they were,” Raven said and Octavia stopped for a second to think. “They could be Azgeda, after all, Roan lost sight of Ontari.”

 

“No, I was there when the news were delivered to Heda. The gonas sent from the other clans to contain Azgeda managed to kill everyone that was helping Ontari, she is the only one that managed to escape and as far as we know she was injured in the process.” Octavia said and Raven nodded, frustration covering her features.

 

“We are back to the Nomads then,” Raven said and Octavia agreed with a short tilt of her head.

 

“When we were coming here the order to move the Nomads among the clans had already been given, some of them are being brought to Tondisi, the stronger ones are supposed to help rebuild the village and one of them must know how many Nomads are left,” Octavia said and Raven’s eyes brightened just slightly, there was still hope.

 

“It’s been quite a few days, they should be here soon, but we could always go to them, catch them on the way here.” Lincoln offered and Raven nodded quickly.

 

“Lincoln, please get the Rover ready, I will speak to Clarke.”

 

……………..

 

The conversation between the leaders of Skaikru and the Trikru generals was suddenly cut off by Raven, who dropped something on the middle of the table with a deafening sound.

 

“Raven, what-” Clarke began, but the omega didn’t let her finish.

 

“High caliber precision rifles, this rounds can go through concrete from 800 yards of distance, maybe more,” Raven said, looking at everyone around the table with an intense gaze. “We can kill him and he won’t even know we are coming. Everyone he will have protecting the perimeter, they don’t have radios, they can’t communicate with Emerson instantly, they will do something else, but we won’t give them time to do so, because we can kill them before they even notice. We can save her, we just need to plan it right, and we need good shooters.”

 

“Raven, please, do not make this more difficult,” Clarke said, her eyes tired, no hope left in them.

 

“Listen to me, you idiot. I have supported you through everything, I stood by your side as you broke her heart, I stood by your side when you put in motion that stupid plan to protect her and I stood by your side when you decided to keep that baby. I have respected your decisions, I have been right here and I haven’t done all this shit so you can go now and get yourself killed!” Raven said, utterly furious, her voice loud as it echoed against the metal walls. “We all know Emerson is a fucking bastard, he won’t keep his word, he will take you and he will not give us Lexa, so you can stop this fucking martyr show you have going on because I don’t have time for it, we don’t have time for it, we need to save our girl,” Raven said, looking into Clarke’s eyes, her own were filled with fire. “I just had a kid and I’ll be damned if I don’t fight to keep his mothers safe, Lexa and you. So, please, just stop being a dick for five seconds and contemplate the plan I am laying out for you. Please.”

 

The council room was left completely quiet, no one dared to say a word. Clarke couldn’t continue holding Raven’s gaze, she looked away and to the floor.

 

“I know you feel like you need to make this sacrifice for her, I know that you love her and that you just want her to be safe, but it is not right to give Emerson what he wants. You shouldn’t have to make this choice. You have put yourself through hell for keeping the baby, that baby deserves a chance to live, so do you, so does Lexa, so please, fight with me.” Raven said, her factions softening as she reached out to hold Clarke’s hand between both of her own.

 

It took a few seconds, but eventually, Clarke reacted. Her back straightened and her gaze turned into solid steel.

 

“What’s the plan?”

 

…………………………

 

“First we need to find Lexa’s maps, I know she has the layout of the land somewhere,” Raven said, knowing that her wife had taken the time to recreate every inch of her territory. “Then we need to meet with the Nomads that are being moved to Tondisi, we need to know how many able-bodied men and women weren’t on the attacks and currently stand beside Emerson. Based on that we will decide how many of our people will go with you. This will have to be a stealth mission, our gona must take down every single person Emerson will have around the place and take positions around the central building, from where they will be able to shoot him down.”

 

“What if there are no windows? What if they can’t see who they are shooting at?” Clarke asked and Raven stopped for a moment to look at her.

 

“I don’t know, we have to work on the plan, but I am sure we will find a way. Bellamy and the rest could storm in there if they don’t have a clear shot. The most important thing is to get rid off the Nomads who will be informing Emerson of anything that happens outside the building, once we make sure he has no back up we will be able to get rid of him.” Raven said, placing a reassuring arm on Clarke’s arm. “All you need to do is give our gona time to get in position around that building, they need to get rid of every single one of Emerson’s people first, so you just have to make time, don’t let him kill any of you before we have a chance to save you.”

 

Clarke took a deep breath and nodded, trying to keep the tears from soaking her eyes.

 

“Rae, if she doesn’t make it…”

 

“She will. I promise you, she will.” Raven said, cupping Clarke’s cheeks and looking deeply into her eyes before pulling her in for a tight hug.

 

………………….

 

“10.” Said the Nomad woman as she held her child in her arms, she was sitting on the ground having a full meal for the first time since she could remember. “Apart from the men and women that were killed trying to murder the Nightbloods there are 10 left, you could say they are the closest thing we had to a form of leadership, so they weren’t part of the attacks.”

 

“I haven’t even asked a question,” Clarke said, her eyes registering shock as she looked at the other woman. She had spent most of the day speaking with the Nomads that would be taken in by Tondisi and most of them had said that they didn’t know anything, some of them gave her an estimate of how many Nomads could be on Emerson’s side, but none of them had seemed sure. Clarke had started losing hope.

 

“I haven’t eaten anything like this in years.” The woman said, tilting her head to the side so she could brush her nose over her child’s soft hair. Clarke looked at her, a little girl, maybe two years old, with bright honey eyes and chocolate hair, she had rosy cheeks and a tiny smile on her lips and she would often reach with her arms to touch her mother’s face. “My little girl has never eaten anything like this in her life.”

 

“But the Nomads, they are your people,” Clarke said, confused. The Woman laughed.

 

“My people? No, Wanheda, they aren’t my people.” She said. “I loved a man who bloodied his hands killing another. I was young, had barely seen 17 summers and that man had left me with child so I dropped to my knees in front of Heda’s throne and begged for mercy, to exile him and not to kill him. The Heda did as I asked, the circumstances in which my partner killed the other man where unclear, no one had seen anything, no one had heard anything and my partner claimed he had just been defending himself, only because of this and because of my begging, my suffering the Heda accepted to exile him.” The woman made a pause, placing the bowl of soup on the ground as she propped her child more comfortably on her lap, she then took the bowl again and offered her child a spoonful of soup, the child slurped on it, making a joyous sound, small legs kicking about as she clapped her hands.

 

Clarke looked at the small thing with a smile on her face, unable to keep her thoughts from going to Sirius, to the life growing in her belly.

 

“I was young, foolish, scared because I didn’t have anyone else and I didn’t feel capable of being a mother on my own. So when the man I thought I loved begged me to go with him I accepted. I loved him and I thought he was the one for me and that I would be with him forever, our child was born in a Nomad tribe we had run into in the deadlands, and he died months later from a sickness we couldn’t treat because we didn’t have the supplies to do so.” The woman said and Clarke could see how much she hated herself in the darkness of her eyes. “If I had been in Polis I could have asked Heda for help, if I hadn’t left, my child would still be here. The Nomads weren’t my people Wanheda, they were my mistake. And now that Heda has taken us back, that my child has a real chance to live, to do something good with her life instead of wasting away in the dirt I can not be more grateful, I owe my life to Heda. And because of that everything I know, you will know.”

 

“Thank you,” Clarke said, moved. She reached out to place a hand on the woman’s own. “Heda will know you took part on her rescue. Do you know anything else?”

 

“They will use fire to communicate. If one of them lights a fire the Mountain Man will know that there is someone besides you in the city. They will be divided into pairs, two will be in the entrance of the city, and the rest will be guarding the building, two in the front, two in the back, and two on each side.”

 

“Do you know why he chose the third floor of the building in the middle of the city?” Clarke asked and the woman frowned, trying to think, trying to remember if she had heard anything.

 

“I believe the upper floors are too open, the walls have collapsed over time. There are columns and slabs for many floors up, but most of the walls have fallen off. On the ground floors, the damage is less and I believe he can look out towards the city without being completely uncovered.” The Woman said and Clarke nodded.

 

“I won’t forget this, thank you,” Clarke said, and then she remembered that the woman had never told her her name, she had started speaking as soon as Clarke had approached her. “May I know your name?”

 

“Ava kom Trigedakru.” The woman responded and then looked down at her child. “and this is my daughter Willow.”

 

“After we succeed in bringing Heda back here, you will be properly thanked for your help,” Clarke assured her and the woman shook her head with a small smile on her face.

 

“I have a roof over my head and I get keep my child’s belly full. I don’t need anything else.” The woman said and Clarke gave her a nod, before going back to the Mountain.

 

………….

 

“Do we have everything we need?” Raven asked as she loaded medical supplies on one of the Rovers, they would take two of them towards the Crumbling City. One would be driven by Bellamy, they would stop at least 4 miles away from the Crumbling City and from there the blonde would continue the journey on horse. The Rovers were noisy and they couldn’t alert anyone of their presence. On the back of that same Rover would be Miller, Monroe, Lincoln, Monty, Bryan, and Harper, all of them with rifles strapped across their chests and night vision sensors hanging from their necks. On the second Rover would be Abby, Jackson and Raven with the medical supplies and the radio systems, each skaikru guard would have one radio and each one of them would be paired up with a grounder gona, who would get there by horse, leaving a total of 14 warriors in the field against 10 Nomads.

 

“Yes, and we need to leave soon, we are not close and we risk Emerson killing her if we don’t get there soon enough,” Lincoln said, as he helped load the other Rover with ammunition. 

 

They had a very tight timeframe that left no space for delay, they were just in time to make it to the Crumbling City by the end of the second day,and  they needed to make it at night. They counted on being able to see in the darkness while the Nomads couldn’t. They knew their enemies would use fire to communicate so they probably would only use the light of the moon to see, and if they had torches they probably would be small ones, as they wouldn’t want to reveal their position.

 

“Is Clarke ready?” Bellamy asked as he secured his armor, they were ready to go.

 

“She is with Sirius, I will go find her,” Raven said, walking towards the armory.

 

She opened the door and Clarke was there, sitting on the floor with Sirius clutched close to her chest. She caressed his back gently, feeling his breath hit the side of her neck as his little hand clenched and unclenched around her shirt.

 

“I am going to bring your Nomon back, I promise you. You won’t miss her anymore, she will put you to sleep, she will hum the melody you like, she will hold you for as long as you want and she will go to you as soon as you need something. I will bring her back to you, don’t worry, I know her scent is not enough and that you want her and that you probably don’t understand why that person that made you feel so nice is not around anymore, but she will be back, I promise.” Clarke kissed the top of his head, letting her nose buried in his tiny mop of brunette curls, his scent was calming, it had little things of Lexa and little things of Raven. His scent had touches of the outside, of rainy days and wildflowers, Clarke could almost sense touches of engine oil and rocket fuel in it, too. Then there was something sweeter, something that was all his, the result of his mothers’ scents coming together. He was Raven and he was Lexa. He was perfect.

 

“If you want him to be okay then you must get your ass back here, too,” Raven said as she sat in front of Clarke, reaching a hand out to place it on her baby’s back. 

 

“If it comes between choosing between Lexa’s life and my own…”

 

“It is not only your own anymore.” Raven reminded her and Clarke looked up at the ceiling, torn in two. Was that how Lexa had felt when she found out about Clarke’s pregnancy? She knew it was and it made each and every bone in her body ache. She knew better than anyone that there was always something tearing her wife apart. She couldn’t help but wonder if Lexa would ever be able to be whole, to have every part of herself finding common ground in one single place.

 

“I know, I know, and I want this baby, I want my baby. I just… I want Lexa, too. I want all of us, the five of us to be happy, Raven. Why can’t we just…?” Clarke trailed off, tears trailing down her cheeks.

 

“We will be,” Raven said, cupping Clarke’s cheeks and pressing her forehead against hers, releasing calming pheromones to help the alpha in front of her from losing her mind. “We have been through a lot and we have come out of the other side, this is just another thing we must face and after that, we will have our family. Two alphas, one omega, two babies and three wolves, doesn’t that sound beautiful?”

 

Clarke nodded and wrapped one arm around Raven’s shoulders, bringing her close with Sirius safely between them.

 

“I don’t know how you are keeping it together.”

 

“Because I am livid and I have a mission, I won’t allow myself to break down, not until I have her back, not until he is gone,” Raven said. “I know you think this is your fault and I can’t even begin to think how that’s making you feel, but right now we have a chance. We need to go and next time we are here she will be with us.”

 

Clarke nodded and after Raven stood up she passed her the sleeping baby. Raven walked around with him for a few minutes, trying not to wake him, she knew that if she looked into his eyes she wouldn’t be able to leave.

 

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Raven whispered against his forehead, placing a kiss there between every sentence. “I will be back soon, I promise.” She caressed his back, she kissed his cheeks, and she told him that she loved him as many times as she could.

 

When they left the armory Caia was there with Leif and Kai, Lexa’s siblings. Caia received Sirius and Leif wrapped an arm protectively around Kai’s little body. They hadn’t had the chance to spend time with Lexa, there was hardly any space for it, but they were still family and they only hoped for a chance to live like one.

 

“We will bring her back,” Raven said, it was the only thing she could say, to everyone else and to herself. Caia needed to hear it, the woman looked completely worn, filled with pain and sorrow, her eyes were perpetually bloodshot ever since the Commander had gone missing.

 

Caia could only nod in response, holding her daughter’s baby close to her chest. She didn’t know what she would do if she lost her daughter, she didn’t know if she would be able to handle it, but she knew she had to because she promised Lexa that she would look after Sirius and she would never break that promise.

 

Minutes later all the members of the rescue team were getting in the rovers and on the horses, soon they were departing and Caia could only hope they would be back with her daughter. Caia could only hope they would bring her back in good shape, that she would be able to heal her, help her. She could only hope they brought her back so she could live and not so they would put her in a pyre.

 

…………………………..

 

Bellamy knew that rescuing the Commander was probably the most important mission he would ever be a part of. He knew that many of the people he loved would be hurt if things didn’t work out, so he had decided, long before they got to the Crumbling City that he would make it work out if he had to.

 

They had followed Clarke, they had seen from a safe distance how the Nomads at the gates of the city had directed her towards the center building. She had to act like she didn’t know where it was even if she had studied the map a hundred times. They planned on doing everything quickly, so they could get to the building closely behind Clarke, their goal was to give her as little time alone with Emerson as possible. So they waited until they could only see her back in the distance before they attacked.

 

“It’s time,” Lincoln whispered by his side and Bellamy nodded. 

 

“We have to do it at the same time,” Bellamy said as he took aim. “We can’t let one of them react and make noise.”

 

Lincoln nodded as he took aim.

 

“I will take the one on the left, aim for the head, we don’t need them getting up and causing trouble,” Bellamy said, his finger was steady on the trigger, he had his eyes locked on the Nomad’s forehead through the scope of his rifle. He wouldn’t attempt the shot with a handgun, but with the rifles Raven had provided for them… he knew he would hit his mark and that they were well within the range of their weapons. “1, 2, 3” 

 

Two shots were fired, the sound barely suppressed by the silencer. It was still noisy but being far away and in an open space helped disperse the sound. Both Nomads dropped to the ground like rocks and they were quick to quietly move towards them and hide the bodies.

 

“Okay, now we split. Try to take them down without the guns, now we are closer and they might hear the shot, once everyone is in position we check in. We need to be fast, we need to be quiet, every second they are in there with him is one more second they are in danger.” Bellamy said and moments later they were entering the city in four groups, one for each pair of Nomads. 

 

There were two skaikru and two Trikru in each group, leaving four groups of four and one pair made by Lincoln and Bellamy.

 

“Let’s go. Keep to the shadows and keep quiet.” Bellamy reminded them before they all split.

 

They started walking, which was difficult on its own, there was no clear path as everything was covered in rubble and ruins. There were structures, buildings still standing but they were falling apart, constructions that seemed to have had quite the number of floors were reduced to piles of dust, with only some lonely column still standing. Bellamy understood then why the grounders remained clear from that place, there was not knowing when the rest of those buildings would just drop to the ground.

 

After an hour of walking, they found the Nomads guarding the back of the building. Bellamy and Lincoln hid behind the nearest structure and watched the central building in which Emerson was. 

 

The building used to be at least 10 floors tall, judging by the bare columns that stretched up towards the sky, but there was barely anything left of the top five floors, the walls had fallen and littered the floor surrounding the building, only the slabs that made up the floors remained and those were covered in rubble and destruction caused by nature itself. The first floor seemed to be mostly intact and Bellamy didn’t understand why Emerson hadn’t chosen to use it until he saw someone stand by a hole on the wall on the third floor. He grabbed Lincoln by the jacket and pulled him to the ground hoping that he hadn’t seen them.

 

The first floor didn’t have as much visibility as the third. It was surrounded by rubble, the windows were probably blocked and so Emerson couldn’t see what was happening outside. Something similar must have happened with the second floor, he wanted visibility, to be able to see if someone was coming, why he didn’t go further up was another question, but Bellamy assumed that it was the lack of walls of the fourth floor and up. The third floor had walls that could be used for cover, but it also had windows and holes for visibility, it was perfect. 

 

Once they watched Emerson move away from the hole in the wall Lincoln and Bellamy got back to their feet and checked the Nomads’ positions. They were both standing close to the building, looking around, if they got any closer they would be seen.

 

“We should go up,” Lincoln said, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to stop the Nomads from giving away their position if they were seen. “We are fairly close, I could shoot them from above.” Lincoln whispering, glancing at the quiver and bow he had hanging from his back, those didn’t make noise.

 

Bellamy nodded and they started walking, circling the building they were hiding behind and looking for an entrance, once they did they looked for the stairs, thankfully they were mostly intact so they went up to the second floor, it didn’t have a window or a hole from which they could see the Nomads so they had to go another floor up. Bellamy saw a collapsed balcony facing right at Emerson’s building and at the hole in the wall he had stood by just a moment before. Bellamy and Lincoln hid on the corners of the room, knowing that if they stood on the open space the balcony had left Emerson would see them.

 

Suddenly there was a gunshot, the sound of it cracked in Bellamy’s ears as he dared to glance at the building facing theirs.

 

“NO, EMERSON, PLEASE!” Clarke was screaming, she was sobbing. Bellamy watched her kneeling on the ground and a few paces in front of her was the Commander hanging by the wrists from a beam in the ceiling. “LEAVE HER ALONE, JUST LEAVE HER.” They had known all along Emerson wouldn’t release her once Clarke got there and he had just shot her, right in front of Clarke.

 

“This is team 1, we were unable to take down the Nomads at the back of the building, we were left too open for attack and Emerson could see us from the third floor, I need someone to come from the left and someone from the right and catch them when they aren’t looking,” Bellamy said, speaking fast and quiet towards the radio.

 

“On it.” Someone responded. Bellamy didn’t recognize who it was, he was too busy watching what was happening right in front of his eyes, he could take the shot, he could. Emerson was right there, walking in the space between Clarke and Lexa, waving the gun in the Commander’s face. Clarke only screamed louder, begged and begged, Bellamy felt like his ears were bleeding.

 

“The Nomads are out, all clear,” Miller said and Bellamy nodded to himself.

 

“Does anyone have a clear shot?”

 

“Negative. The front wall on the third floor is intact”

 

“Negative. I can’t get high enough on the left side, I can’t see him.”

 

“Negative. There is a decent sized hole on the wall on the left side, but the Commander’s body is in the way, I might hit her.”

 

“I could take him from below next time he comes to stand by the hole on the back wall,” Bryan said as he stood hiding exactly where Bellamy and Lincoln had been hiding before. “We have to take him down quickly. The next time he glances down he will see that the Nomads aren’t there, he will know something is going on.”

 

“No,” Bellamy said, thinking of something quickly. “I am on the third floor of a building facing where he is, but there is almost no wall here, no cover. With the fires he has inside and the light of the moon he would see it clearly if Lincoln or I moved and I don’t know what he would do then.”

 

“Try to see if there is a small hole on the wall you are using for cover, one you could see out of without losing your cover, you could also find a place where the concrete is weakened and make the hole with the barrel of your rifle.” Monty’s voice came quietly from the radio, thankfully, Clarke’s screaming ensured that they wouldn’t be heard.

 

“Bellamy, I got one,” Lincoln said. Pressed to his corner with his face basically flush to the wall that faced Emerson’s building.

 

“Good, next time you see him face away from us you will tell me, I will go onto the open balcony and shoot him before he can do anything,” Bellamy said, and Lincoln nodded.

 

For a few minutes, there was only Clarke’s screaming, for a few minutes there was only fury bubbling in Bellamy’s veins as he heard his friend’s suffering. For a few minutes, all he could do was get ready, get his hands into the right position, hold the rifle adequately, put his finger on the trigger.

 

And then, after agonizing seconds that seemed to drag into hours Lincoln’s voice filled the space between them.

 

“Now.” He said.

 

Bellamy stepped into the open balcony, facing the hole on the back of Emerson’s building, facing his back. 

 

Before Bellamy could even think Emerson’s body collapsed to the ground and Clarke, with her hands tied in front of her lurched for the gun that had fallen from Emerson’s hand, holding it awkwardly.

 

Bellamy was at a loss, not knowing why that had been her friend’s first reaction. But then she saw her aim and do her best to shoot with her hands tied and Bellamy realized there was someone else there.

 

Two shots were fired from the gun in Clarke’s hand and for a moment the blonde’s shoulders fell in relief, a second later she was back moving, dragging herself to Emerson’s body and taking the knife that was in his boot. Clarke started the process of cutting her bindings and Bellamy grabbed the radio once again.

 

“Emerson is down, go to the third floor,” Bellamy said.

 

“Copy that,” Monty responded, and Bellamy watched as Clarke stood up and rushed towards the Commander, her hands hovered awkwardly for a few seconds not knowing where to touch before she finally went for the rope that kept the Commander hanging from the ceiling.

 

As soon as it broke the Commander collapsed into Clarke’s arms, barely able to stand. Bellamy could see their mouths moving, but he couldn’t tell what they were saying.

 

Bellamy watched as they slowly walked towards what he assumed where the stairs, but then he saw something else flying in the air. Thrown by whoever Clarke had shot.

 

Bellamy’s mouth went ahead of his head and he screamed. Lungs aching, panic filling every fiber of his being.

 

“GRENADE!”

 

The explosion soon followed and once the dust cleared Bellamy could only see a hole where the third floor had previously been.

 

……………………

 

Clarke expected the worst, but she couldn’t have imagined this. Lexa’s hands were tied above her head, one of them looked particularly bloody, the fingers of it broken and out of place. She was barely clothed, her armor, her coat, her undershirt, and her pants had been taken off, only leaving her in her bindings and undershorts. Wherever Clarke’s eyes landed there were bruises and blood, open wounds, cuts, and burns. Emerson had done everything he could think of to hurt her and he had succeeded. Clarke was almost afraid to look at Lexa’s back, she already knew what he had done to it.

 

“Well, look at that, Commander,” Emerson said as he walked towards Lexa. Clarke felt her chest burn at the mere sight of him, she would tear him apart with her own hands given the chance.

 

Lexa didn’t react, her head had fallen forwards, resting limply against her chest. She had taken a brutal beating, Clarke wasn’t sure she could open her eyes with how swollen they were. There were cuts on her lips, open and spewing blood slowly, and there was another, deeper wound up on the top left side of her forehead, the blood pouring from it had soaked the entire left side of her face. Clarke wasn’t really sure she was even alive.

 

“Your wife has come to rescue you, just like I knew she would,” Emerson said and Lexa didn’t react, she didn’t respond to him. The next thing Clarke saw was Emerson lifting her arm, gun in hand, and hitting Lexa across the face as hard as he could. Drops of black blood fell like small raindrops onto the floor and Clarke lurched forwards.

 

“Don’t move!” Emerson shouted, swinging the gun at Clarke. “Do not fucking move, or I will spill her brain on the floor, am I clear?”

 

Clarke put her hands up and stayed very still watching as Emerson grabbed at Lexa’s ruined braids and pulled, forcing her head up. Her swollen eyelids were fighting to lift.

 

“Oh, there she is, you need to be awake for this. Your wife came for you, Commander.” Emerson said. The Commander’s brows pulled in a clear sign of pain, her chest heaved with immense effort.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa mumbled, her voice hoarse and weak, her tone filled with disbelief.

 

“I am here,” Clarke said, her voice shaking as her clear blue eyes met one of Lexa’s own. She was so, so tired. Clarke could see it in her face, how the Commander had already made peace with dying in that place.

 

“Clarke…” Lexa said again, cut off by a round of violent coughing. The episode left her face paler than it already was, it left her breathless, with traces of blood dripping down her chin.

 

“I must admit both of you are very hard to kill, but I guess waiting so long for this moment has its benefits, the frustration I’ve been feeling only makes this moment so much sweeter,” Emerson said, as he traced the side of Lexa’s bruised face with his gun.

 

“You said you would let her go,” Clarke said, even if they had known all along that that wouldn’t happen.

 

“I will.” He said. “I will let her go once you see her suffer with your very eyes, after that I will kill her, I will rid her of her misery and you will have to watch it all. Only then will I let her go, I will let my partners take her body and dump it somewhere in the forest, let the animals feast on her flesh.” He grabbed a knife from his boot and ran its tip over the Lexa’s abdomen, the skin split and black blood instantly bubbled out, dripping down and staining the Commander’s undershorts. The tattoos over Lexa’s ribs, the one that represented her mother and the one that represented Raven had been carved with a knife as well, leaving them open and bleeding, making Lexa’s whole torso a mess of black blood.

 

Lexa didn’t react to the pain, she just let her head fall against her arm. Clarke shouldn't be there, she should have stayed back, she should have stayed safe, even more so in her state. Now Emerson would kill them both and Lexa would be responsible for it. It seemed that one way or another she always ended up being the reason behind Clarke’s pain. 

 

“Please stop!” Clarke cried out. “I killed your family, not her. I hurt you, not her. Your son and your wife, I made them burn, not her. You should punish me, I am to blame for their deaths, not her. She didn’t do anything to you.”

 

“I agree,” Emerson said. “Which is why you deserve to feel what I felt, you deserve to lose the love of your life, the person who matters most to you. You will watch her suffer, you will watch her die and then I will do the same to you.”

 

Lexa growled, her black stained teeth bared as she sneered and growled at Emerson.

 

“Don’t... touch... her,” Lexa said, as she pulled at the ropes keeping her wrists tied, she had tried to get free for as long as she had been there, her wrists were bloody and scrapped raw from the friction, but she didn’t care, he couldn’t hurt Clarke, she wouldn’t let it happen.

 

Emerson laughed in Lexa’s face, moving closer until he was almost nose to nose with her.

 

“You are in no position to be making demands, savage,” Emerson said, but before he could move away Lexa snapped her head forwards and hit him right on the nose.

 

Red blood started pouring down his face as he shouted in a fit of rage. Moments later he was swinging his arm at Lexa, hitting her over the head with his gun once more. The metal hitting her forehead made pulsing pain explode inside her skull, her vision darkened and threatened to render her unconscious. Somehow that helped because it prevented her from feeling as Emerson’s fist continuously met her face and chest. She was too out of it to feel much of anything and she was sure that soon enough she wouldn’t feel anything at all.

 

With Emerson’s back turned to her Clarke saw the perfect chance to throw herself at him and snap his neck, but before she could even move another voice stopped her.

 

“Move and I will drive my knife through her ribs.”

 

“Ontari,” Clarke said, not at all surprised when she saw the woman appear behind Lexa. She had been in the room all along, hiding in a dark corner.

 

The exchange seemed to drag Emerson from his anger, as he left Lexa alone, stepping away from her with a last brutal punch to her gut. He wiped away the blood under his nose and punted the gun at Lexa.

 

“Tie her up.” He told Ontari. The Azgeda Nightblood moved towards the blonde to do as she had been told while Emerson kept his eyes on her. “Move and I’ll shoot her, it’s not like I haven’t done it before.” He said, poking with the barrel of his gun a wound on the Commander’s hip.

 

Clarke could tell it was old, probably from the ambush, and it seemed to be the only wound that they had bothered to try and heal, it was covered up with a dirty cloth, but at least they had attempted to stop the bleeding.

 

Ontari finished tying her hands and her feet, forcing Clarke to her knees before going back to her corner and out of sight.

 

“In all the time she has spent here she had never said anything, never made a sound, never reacted. She only spoke to tell me you weren’t coming. Now I see all she needed was a little incentive.” Emerson said, “And I am ready to give it to her.”

 

Emerson’s leg met Clarke’s face and the blonde’s mouth was instantly filled with iron, she fell back hard and the next thing she heard was Lexa’s voice.

 

“Don’t touch her,” Lexa said, clearer this time, gathering all her strength as she trashed against her bindings. Her wounds started bleeding steadily with her violent movement, but she didn’t care, she needed to get to him, get to Clarke and keep her safe. Protect her wife and protect her baby.

 

“Or what? what are you going to do?” Emerson said, grabbing Clarke by the front of her shirt and straightening her. His fist met Clarke’s cheek and Lexa’s growls only got louder, her blackened teeth snapped at him, every instinct inside of her told her that she needed to get to him and rip his throat out, she pulled at the ropes and felt warm blood spill down her arms. She didn’t care, her pain didn’t matter, not when Clarke was being hurt.

 

“I said  _ stop _ ,” Lexa said, her voice low and cold.

 

A shiver ran down Clarke’s back and she instantly snapped her neck to the side, baring her neck for the superior alpha even if the onslaught of pheromones being released hadn’t been directed at her.

 

Lexa’s pheromones were being released like never before and with every second that passed the alpha felt her life force slipping away, it took too much, more than she could give on a normal day and so much more than she could give being so injured. 

 

And it shouldn’t have worked, not with Emerson, not with him being a beta, but still, his fist froze midway to Clarke’s face and he found himself unable to touch her.

 

“STOP THAT!” He screamed, completely enraged, swinging his arm around and shooting the gun in Lexa’s general direction.

 

“NO, EMERSON, PLEASE!” Clarke screamed, feeling as Lexa’s pheromones just vanished all at once. “LEAVE HER ALONE, JUST LEAVE HER.” Clarke couldn’t see where Lexa had been hit, there was black everywhere, she couldn’t see, she just couldn’t see. Tears spilled from her eyes as she continued to beg him to leave Lexa alone.

 

He stood up and wrapped his hand around Lexa’s neck, squeezing as hard as he could.

 

“If you do that again I might just kill her before I kill you, do you understand?”

 

Lexa didn’t respond, he was talking and she could see his mouth move but she couldn’t understand a single word. Everything was foggy, confusing, her body hurt, her flesh, every pore and every hair pulsed with pain. Her very blood bubbled hot inside her veins, seeming to carry broken glass over her insides. She thought she could keep Clarke safe, she thought she could go back to Raven. She thought she could make them happy, she thought that with her hands and with her heart, that with her very essence she would be able to build a happy ending for the three of them. But it wasn’t true, she would die and she would drag Clarke to death with her.

 

She had failed. She was a failure.

 

“Are you listening to me?!” Emerson shouted in her face, his putrid breath making her want to gag. And no, she was not listening, she could only stare at Clarke from over his shoulder. She could only watch her agony, her panic as the blonde’s mouth moved, as she screamed as tears poured down her bruised cheeks and slipped past her bloody lips.

 

Lexa would die and then Emerson would do to Clarke what she had done to the Commander. Lexa couldn’t stop herself from wondering, would he whip her too? would he rip off her nails and beat her with his fists until her bones were broken? would he run his knife over Clarke’s skin just like he had done to her? would he wrap his hands around Clarke’s gorgeous neck and squeeze as hard as he could, only stopping when she felt like her life was slipping away, only stopping just after convincing her she would be free of the pain? 

 

Would he spend the day describing how he would grab the people she loved and rid them of their skin, how he would break their bones and take their teeth? Would he repeat over and over again how he would take her loved ones, rid them of their tongues and their eyes, of their hair and their nails? Would he describe it all with vivid detail just like he had done to Lexa? Would he make all her fears come true like he made Lexa’s by having Clarke and their child there, in his power?

 

Would he break Clarke, just like he had broken her?

 

He would and at the end of the day, it was all Lexa’s fault. If she had stayed at the Mountain that night, Clarke wouldn’t have been the one to make the call, she wouldn’t have had to pull the lever. She wouldn’t be the one Emerson wanted, but Lexa had turned her back on her to ensure her people’s safety. She had followed her duty, saved her people, returned them to their families and by doing so she had sacrificed her heart and now she was paying for the consequences. It was foolish to believe that she could have it all, that she could be Heda and have love.

 

She was a fool.

 

Lexa was pulled from her thoughts when gentle hands cupped her face.

 

“It’s okay, love, it’s okay. I got you, I am going to take you home. I promise. I love you. I love you.” Clarke whispered fast as she reached up to cut the ropes around Lexa’s wrists.

 

Lexa didn’t understand what was happening, but before she could think her feet were touching the ground again and her arms were being lowered. Blood rushed to her limbs and it hurt, spirits, it hurt so much. The pain of it all was threatening to pull her under, but there was a scent in her nose, one she knew very well.

 

“Clarke…” Lexa whispered, barely able to see blonde hair and blue eyes with her only open eye. Everything was blurry and dark, and every time she blinked it just got blurrier, darker.

 

“It’s fine, it’s fine, just lean on me. I will take you to my mom, she will fix you up, okay? You are going to be fine, I promise. I love you so much.” Clarke said and she was speaking so fast, Lexa couldn’t process it all, but they were close, they were touching, they hadn’t been so close for so long.

 

A lonely tear dripped down the Commander’s eye.  _ Clarke was holding her again. _

 

“Clarke…” She repeated like it was the only word she knew. And before she could do anything else she heard a scream, just one word, only one, one she could process.

 

“GRENADE!” 

 

Lexa could only use the last of her energy to wrap her body around the blonde’s and hope that she would make it out alive.

 

The next thing she knew was that the floor had vanished from under her feet.

 

…………………..

 

Clarke woke up coughing, dust seemed to be latching onto the walls of her lungs. Her eyes were irritated and sore, and there was pain coming from somewhere, she just wasn’t quite sure where.

 

Memories started filtering in slowly.

 

The grenade.  _ Lexa _ . 

 

She didn’t have time to panic, because her brain registered that the surface she was lying on was much softer than it should have been.

 

“Lexa, Lex, are you awake? Lexa, wake up?!” Clarke cried out, panic rushing back when she noticed that the body beneath her own gave no response. 

 

The explosion created a massive hole on the floor, making the slab of concrete that worked as their surface to shatter, making them fall to the second floor. Lexa had broken said fall with her body, softening the impact of Clarke’s body as it fell on Lexa instead of the floor.

 

Clarke instantly tried to push herself off, trying to get her weight off of Lexa’s beaten body. She cried out in pain when she pulled her foot from under a heavy piece of concrete, it was broken for sure.

 

The blonde reached to feel Lexa’s pulse, feeling it beat slow and weak under her fingertips. The darkness didn’t help, the fires that Emerson had lit up were extinguished during the fall which left only the light of the moon, it was only enough to see the outline of Lexa’s bruised face. 

 

“Hey, please, wake up, please,” Clarke said as she patted Lexa’s cheek as gently as she could while she tried to wake her, Lexa didn’t need any more pain. Clarke looked around, feeling thankful when she saw that there was not much rubble around her preventing them from getting out. The floor where they had been standing had been the only thing to collapse during the explosion and the pieces of concrete were lying all around them.

 

“Clarke…” Lexa whispered, one eye closed, one eye half open. “Leave… please… get… safe…” Lexa knew she wouldn’t resist much longer, there was a weight in her chest that barely let her breathe, soon it wouldn’t let her heart keep beating.

 

“Not without you. We are going home.” Clarke said, feeling deeply relieved when she heard voices, when she heard frantic steps coming up the stairs. “OVER HERE!” She screamed, making sure they knew she was alive.

 

“Tell... Raven… Sirius… I… love… them…” Lexa said with difficulty, her breathing got more erratic, each breath getting out in the form of a wheeze, and getting in like a gasp. Lexa couldn’t really see much, but she could feel Clarke’s presence, she knew she was there and for a moment, knowing that she wouldn’t die alone made the weight on her chest feel just a little less heavy. “Ai… hod… yu… in.” Lexa whispered for only Clarke’s ears to hear. She thought of Clarke’s eyes, she imagined Raven smile and thought of the little sounds her son made as her sight went completely dark.

 

“You will tell them yourself,” Clarke said, holding onto Lexa’s shoulders and feeling wetness soak her palms. “I love you.” She said, but Lexa was no longer awake to hear her.

 

Suddenly someone picked her up and she lurched towards Lexa’s body.

 

“Stop, Lincoln’s got her,” Bellamy said and Clarke watched as the large man carefully picked Lexa up from the floor and rushed her down the stairs. Bellamy followed right behind him.

 

“Lexa!” Clarke heard Raven’s voice cry out and when she looked up she saw the Mechanic, Jackson and her mother.

 

Raven’s eyes were soaked with tears, she froze at the sight in front of her. Lexa, her wife, her love, unconscious, broken, bleeding, showing no signs of life. Raven froze, thinking that she was dead and before she could do anything Abby was ordering Lincoln to place the Commander in the back of the rover where she had her medical supplies

 

“I need to stabilize her before we start the trip back. Jackson, come with me. Monty, Harper, come in as well, I need you both to hold your flashlights over her body, I need to be able to see.” Abby said and everyone rushed to do as she had asked.

 

Clarke forced Bellamy to let her down and limped painfully towards Raven’s side.

 

“Rae,” Clarke whispered, the Mechanic’s eyes were locked on the back of the rover, were locked on Abby as she worked on her wife, trying to bring her back from the edge. “We got her, Rae.” Clarke said, wrapping an arm around the omega’s waist.

 

“I am not too sure about that.” She said, her voice shaking, her heart aching with every beat as she watched Abby cut into Lexa’s side and then use a pair of scissors to make the hole just slightly wider.

 

Raven winced, almost feeling the pain in her own body as she watched Abby push the scissors inside, blood rushed out and the doctor was quick to insert a tube, blood started coming out of it instead, soaking the rover’s floor.

 

“Come on, come on, come on,” Abby whispered under her breath as her gloved hands held Lexa’s cheeks. She was pale, too pale, her lips completely blue, she was completely unresponsive and Abby had known what she had to do as soon as she saw that the left of her chest wouldn’t lift when she tried to breathe. “Just breathe, come on,” Abby said, getting ready to beg if it was necessary. She would do anything, she wouldn’t let her die, not while there was a child waiting for her.

 

The doctor leaned down and pressed her lips against the Commander’s cold mouth, breathing air into her lungs. She did it twice, three times, tasting iron in her mouth as her lips were stained with black. She could feel Raven’s eyes, she could feel Clarke’s. 

 

“You can’t die here, not like this,” Abby whispered, blowing air into the Commander’s lungs and making sure her chest lifted right before she started chest compressions.

 

After what felt like forever the Commander gasped, taking in a sharp breath. Abby saw one of her eyes flutter open for a second before it rolled to the back of her head and she fell unconscious.

 

Abby placed an oxygen mask over her nose and mouth, connecting it to a manual pump.

 

“Harper, give Monty your flashlight and help me here,” Abby said, guiding the girl’s hand towards the pump, there was barely any space. Lexa was placed on the open space between the two benches on each side of the rover, but still getting more people inside would just make it more cramped. “Just keep a steady pace, try to mimic your own breathing,” Abby instructed the girl as she moved to check on the rest of the Commander’s injuries.

 

Abby was pleased to see that Jackson had already started trying to control the bleeding on the deeper wounds and that he had already hooked up the Commander to fluids and a blood bag.

 

“Seems like she was hit on the head repeatedly,” Jackson said and the doctor immediately moved to asses the damage.

 

Abby checked the Commander’s pupils and wasn’t pleased with what she found.

 

“There’s not much we can do out here to treat a brain injury, we can only hope her condition doesn’t deteriorate and pump her with medications to try and prevent swelling. We won’t know for sure until we get some scans.” Abby said, trying to clean up as much as she could the blood on the Commander’s forehead, there was a deep cut on the left upper side of her forehead, going up vertically and getting lost in her hairline, and there was another on the right side of her head, going horizontally from her temple to above her eyebrow. Abby made sure the bleeding was under control before she bandaged them.

 

Once the Commander was mostly stable she asked Monty to give the flashlight to Jackson and get out. She also switched places with Harper, taking control of the manual pump and asking the girl to leave the rover.

 

Soon Raven and Clarke were getting inside the vehicle, the doors closing behind them. The Mechanic looked down at her wife, wanting to touch her but not knowing where to do so without hurting her. Clarke did the same, staring at Lexa’s pale face with her hands limp on her lap.

 

The rover took off, going as fast as it could towards the Mountain. The people inside barely said anything during the whole trip, they remained as silent as Lexa, who didn't show signs of consciousness.

 

...............

 

Their arrival to the Mountain was rushed, noisy with Abby shouting directions to her healers and nurses. Loud with how she called the guards and asked them to get Raven and Clarke out of her sight.

 

Both women were forced to stay by the many beds. For a while Clarke was taken to get an x-ray of her foot, the break was clean and after a few moments, she was in crutches and a cast. The cuts and bruises on her face from when Emerson had hit her were taken care of, as were the other, smaller injuries she had gotten during the blast. They had been lucky as nothing had fallen on top of them. 

 

One of the available healers had also checked on Clarke's baby, and miraculously their heartbeat was still strong, they were okay, and Clarke was advised to get plenty of rest just in case.

 

Almost four hours passed before they heard any word from Abby.

 

"Doctor Griffin asks you to leave and get some rest," a nurse said, looking at Raven and Clarke with soft eyes. "The damage is extensive and she doesn't think she will be able to take care of it at once. At the moment she is alive and she is stable, you might go to bed and come for an update after you have gotten a few hours of sleep."

 

"She will make it?" Raven asked, her voice shaky. She had already fulfilled her mission, she had already done all she could to save her wife and she had succeeded at bringing her back home. She couldn't be strong anymore, she wasn't angry anymore. No, now her heart was just broken, shattered by the pain her love had been put through. Every fiber in her being ached viscerally, almost like she lived in Lexa's flesh.

 

"She is stable for now." The nurse said and both Clarke and Raven noticed how she didn't answer the question. 

 

"She wouldn't want you to be here," a voice said by the entrance and both Clarke and Raven turned to see Octavia, her arm still pressed close to her chest and held in a sling after getting shot. "She would want you to be with Sirius and to rest, you will need your energy to help her heal."

 

Traveling to the Crumbling City had taken some time, as did coming back and Raven had never been away from her son for so long, she missed him, even more so now that Lexa felt so far away.

 

"Where is he?" Raven asked and Octavia tilted her head to the side.

 

"With Caia, she has him in her room," Octavia said and Raven moved her eyes back to the nurse.

 

"Please, keep us updated, come for us if there are any complications."

 

"I will. Don't worry, she is in good hands."

 

"Clarke, come with me," Raven said, turning to the alpha who had been awfully quiet the whole time. The blonde nodded, using her crutches to walk beside Raven towards Caia's room.

 

They knocked gently, knowing that Sirius could be asleep and the door was opened seconds after.

 

Caia looked back at them, eyes red-rimmed and frantic.

 

"Is she-"

 

"Alive," Raven said, offering the other woman a weak smile. "She is really hurt, but Abby is taking good care of her."

 

"Thank you! Thank you!" Caia said, tears pouring down her cheeks as she wrapped one arm around Raven and another around Clarke, hugging them as tight as she could.

 

"Don't thank us yet, she will need us now more than ever. I will take Sirius and maybe you could get some rest, we won't know any more about her until sunrise." Raven said.

 

"I just got him to sleep, he probably won't wake up until a few more hours," Caia said, letting Raven come inside to look at her baby, laid out in the middle of Caia's bed, surrounded by pillows.

 

Raven smiled down at him, feeling like she hadn't seen him in ages. She placed a hand on his chest and felt his heartbeat under her palm, then, as gently as she could, she lifted him. He seemed to sense her, his mouth turned into a small pout as he moved his head so his face was buried against her shirt.

 

"Thanks for looking after him," Raven said and Caia quickly dismissed her, giving Sirius one last pat on the back before watching them go.

 

……………………………..

 

Raven started to understand some of Lexa’s reasoning around the time she started to lose faith in her wife ever waking up.

 

“Collapsed lung, TBI, phalanges and metacarpals of the left hand shattered, broken collarbone caused by GSW to the left shoulder, GSW to the lower right quadrant caused damage to the hip bone…” Abby had said, she didn’t see the point of giving Clarke and Raven the specifics of Lexa’s injuries, but her daughter had insisted, and she couldn’t deny, but she could try to be as vague as possible about it. “Multiple lacerations over the expanse of the back and deep bruising caused by blunt force trauma over the chest and abdominal areas.”

 

“You forgot the burns, the broken nose, the bruising all over her face, the cuts on her cheeks and lips, the wounds on her wrists from fighting her ties, the damage to her neck from when he tried to choke her.” Clarke had said, as she stared at her wife lying on the hospital bed, “You forgot to mention the infection too, she has open wounds that were never properly cleaned up or taken care of.”

 

“Abby, please, just tell us if she’s going to make it,” Raven remembers asking, so much hope in her tone as she stared down at her wife, wrapped up in bandages, covered in bruises and blood and pain everywhere.

 

“Right now she is stable, she could recover if there are no further complications.” Abby had said, and Raven hadn't had to ask what those complications had been. She already knew Lexa’s heart had stopped during surgery, she already knew she had died in Abby’s table.

 

But still, when they were having that conversation, Lexa was stable, she was wounded badly, and she would have a long way to recover, but she was alive. Raven had allowed herself to think that things would be okay.

 

She was such a fool.

 

Lexa had been awake at some point, during the days that followed the rescue she had been conscious for brief periods of time, she would be heavily medicated and completely out of it, but sometimes her eyes would open and they would look straight at Raven, almost as if she wasn’t completely high. She never said anything, she couldn’t, not with the tube shoved down her throat, but she was alive and awake and Raven had allowed herself to hope.

 

Then came the infection. They had pumped her with antibiotics, they had done everything they could, but still, the gunshot wound on Lexa’s hip got terribly infected and with it came the fever and the delirium and the seizures. Lexa would clutch her eyes shut and moan and groan and try to scream around the tube in her throat until she was sedated. Raven had seen tears trail helplessly down her temples, she had seen her shake and flail on her bed, trying to get up and fight or run or just save herself from whatever was haunting her, she had seen her clutch at the bedsheets and bang her head against her pillow until Abby put her to sleep.

 

They got through it. Abby got the infection under control and Raven really thought she would be able to hear her wife’s voice soon, that she would be able to look into her eyes and see them clear, free of drugs and free of pain. She thought she would get to see Lexa looking back at her like she was the most precious thing in the world, like she put the stars in the sky, like she loved her with everything she had.

 

She was a fool.

 

Brain injuries were complicated, and a wound that had seemed harmless at first ended up being a death sentence. Initially, the scans had been clear, but with time a small bleed developed and well…

 

Raven liked to think Lexa was asleep. She liked to think she would wake up any second, she would wake up and they would have the reunion they deserved, Raven would kiss her, would hold her, would give her all the love she deserved and more. Raven would give her everything, no more hesitating, no more holding back, no more second-guessing Lexa’s feelings or her own.

 

But Lexa wasn’t just asleep, and she wouldn’t just wake up.

 

So as time passed, as weeks turned into months and her baby got bigger, Raven couldn’t help but understand in some way Lexa’s reasoning. The Commander had been worried, had been afraid of ever hating or not loving her baby if something happened to Raven during the birth, Raven couldn’t grasp how that could happen before, but now she understood. She looked into Sirius’ eyes, into  _ Lexa’s  _ eyes in his face and it hurt.

 

It  _ hurt _ . So much. 

 

Raven loved her son, she would do anything for him, he was the most important human being in the world to her. And that still didn’t stop her from feeling like her blood was liquid pain being pumped all over her body every time she looked at him, every time she saw his eyes and thought of how she might never look at Lexa’s ever again. Every time she ran her hand over the little curls atop his head and thought of how she might never get to massage Lexa’s head, to run her hands over long brunette curls and feel the Commander relax under her touch.  Every time she stared at his little ears, they were tiny, so very small and perfect, just like her wife’s… 

 

She couldn’t look at him without thinking about her, she couldn’t be around him without missing her, she couldn’t hold him without thinking of holding her. She loved him, she did, with every fiber of her being, and still being close to him made her bones ache.

 

Raven truly believed things couldn’t get any worse, not with Lexa in a coma, not with Clarke pregnant and possibly dying giving birth to a child, not with her son being the vivid image of the love she would most likely lose.

 

Raven should have learned not to hope for anything because two months after Abby told them the Commander had fallen into a coma Robin arrived at the base of the Mountain. 

 

With the Commander’s life hanging by a thread a Flamekeeper was needed, so Robin’s training had been rushed and he had been appointed Flamekeeper by the Ambassadors of the 12 clans. Titus had been furious about it, but he was a traitor to the Flame and to the Commander so his word meant nothing.

 

Still, Raven knew from the moment she saw him that Robin’s presence couldn’t mean anything good. Raven loved to be right, always did, but just this once, she wished she was wrong.

 

She knew she wasn’t when Robin opened his mouth.

 

“I have come to retrieve the Flame.” He said.

 

Raven watched Clarke’s face fill with confusion and disbelief, not understanding what Robin meant. Raven just sat back on her chair, hopeless, she should have known something like that would happen, every good thing she had ever had was taken away from her, Lexa wasn’t going to be the exception.

 

“I have come to take the Flame back to Polis and call the Conclave,” Robin said, and realization filled Clarke’s eyes, the sudden understanding was quickly followed by utter heartbreak.

 

For a moment, before the kidnapping and the torture and the rescue, when everything was okay, or at least a little bit normal, Raven had allowed herself to believe she could have everything. She could have the cool job as a Mechanic, she could have the hot wife that loved her to pieces, she could have the nice house by the lake and the cute kids. She had thought that with Lexa and Clarke she would have everything.

 

She was a fool.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, sorry for making you wait that long after that awful cliffhanger, but here it is. In advance I am sorry if things didn't make sense or if there were more mistakes than usual, I am just in an off mindset and I don't know when I am getting out of it so I figured I would just update and not make you wait forever. Also, I know Lexa is always getting hurt in this work, I am very aware of it and I am sorry if things are feeling repetitive or boring to you, there's just no need to point it out, I already know and don't worry, this thing is almost over.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy

**Author's Note:**

> Feed back is always welcome!


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